1 00:00:00,807 --> 00:00:05,323 All those kids and their hipping and their hopping. 2 00:00:05,487 --> 00:00:08,957 Pull up your damned pants, you morons! 3 00:00:11,927 --> 00:00:16,557 Second Comedy Central special, it`s gonna be great! 4 00:00:16,727 --> 00:00:20,686 No, Mommy. l don`t want to wear the pink bow. 5 00:00:20,847 --> 00:00:25,159 He even does this in his sleep. What a freak! 6 00:00:25,327 --> 00:00:28,444 Would you idiots give it a rest? 7 00:00:28,607 --> 00:00:31,599 Would you like to see my stick? 8 00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:37,319 JEFF DUNHAM SPARK OF lNSANlTY 9 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,763 Thank you! 10 00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,159 Thank you. 11 00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:59,996 Are you doing alright? Thank you. 12 00:01:01,087 --> 00:01:03,726 Thank you so much. 13 00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:16,077 Alright. Thank you. Thank you so much. 14 00:01:17,247 --> 00:01:23,197 You can`t fool me. l know it`s all for the little guys in the suitcase. 15 00:01:29,007 --> 00:01:32,443 Thank you for coming out tonight. This is such a pleasure. 16 00:01:32,607 --> 00:01:36,964 Before we start, l must say it is a true honor to be in this theater- 17 00:01:37,127 --> 00:01:41,484 -with you people, in the capital of the greatest country in the world- 18 00:01:41,647 --> 00:01:43,638 -the United States of America. 19 00:01:52,527 --> 00:01:55,200 ln driving around the city the last couple of days- 20 00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:58,803 -l couldn`t help but realize that here in D.C., like everywhere else- 21 00:01:58,967 --> 00:02:02,198 -gas prices suck! 22 00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:07,566 My wife and l live in L.A., and we were owners of 2 big SUVs. 23 00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:11,002 We decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing. 24 00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:17,276 We got rid of one of the big, giant SUVs and got a Prius. 25 00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:20,200 l don`t know why you`re laughing, it`s a great vehicle. 26 00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:23,723 You jump on the freeway and punch it, it goes: 27 00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:30,845 When you can drive underneath an 18-wheeler and go: 28 00:02:31,007 --> 00:02:34,124 ``That`s really dirty``, and drive back out... 29 00:02:36,687 --> 00:02:39,645 That is just too damned small. 30 00:02:39,807 --> 00:02:44,005 lt`s cool at the gas pump. On one tank you`ve driven 2 or 3000 miles. 31 00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:48,604 You fill up and go: ``Oh, all done! l`ll be damned.`` 32 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:51,361 ``10 cents? That`s amazing!`` 33 00:02:51,527 --> 00:02:55,281 l`m not used to a vehicle like this. l`ve had big trucks and SUVs. 34 00:02:55,447 --> 00:02:58,564 The one vehicle l refuse to get rid of, l`ve had it for 10 years. 35 00:02:58,727 --> 00:03:01,480 l love this thing. l`ve taken good care of it. 36 00:03:01,647 --> 00:03:04,525 lt`s not politically correct to drive it. l don`t care. 37 00:03:04,687 --> 00:03:09,238 H-1 Hummer. The real one, the big one, the military version. 38 00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:16,196 l love this thing. lt has a 38-gallon tank. 39 00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:20,326 Gets 7 miles to the gallon. 40 00:03:20,487 --> 00:03:24,719 Diesel, where l live, at its peak was $3.84 per gallon. 41 00:03:24,887 --> 00:03:27,640 Yeah. l went to fill it up that week, it wasn`t even empty. 42 00:03:27,807 --> 00:03:31,720 lt cost me a hundred forty-eight dollars. 43 00:03:31,887 --> 00:03:36,039 l pushed the vehicle home. 44 00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:38,721 As l rolled it into the driveway, l told my kids: 45 00:03:38,887 --> 00:03:42,562 ``Girls, look at our new front yard ornament.`` 46 00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:45,764 ``Get in the Prius.`` 47 00:03:45,927 --> 00:03:48,521 ``You suck, Dad!`` 48 00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:54,199 l used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer. 49 00:03:58,687 --> 00:04:02,600 During the holidays last year, we took the Hummer in for maintenance. 50 00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:07,045 Then we were driving home and my wife is behind me in the Hummer. 51 00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:09,277 l`m in front driving the Prius. 52 00:04:09,447 --> 00:04:12,803 l was tricked somehow. l don`t know how that happened. 53 00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:15,765 She calls me on the cellphone, laughing. 54 00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:18,885 Let me explain why. Our Prius is not a black Prius. 55 00:04:19,047 --> 00:04:22,722 lt`s not a red Prius, it`s a blue Prius. But not really blue. 56 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:27,085 lt`s more of a ...blue... Prius. 57 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:32,361 lt`s pretty. 58 00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:35,246 Sparkly! 59 00:04:35,407 --> 00:04:39,559 l did that a little too well, didn`t l? 60 00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:57,319 While l`m driving, l`m holding in my arm, my wife`s 3-pound Chihuahua. 61 00:04:59,607 --> 00:05:03,964 You have to hold it while you drive or it`ll fall down between the seats. 62 00:05:04,127 --> 00:05:07,358 ``Where the hell is this dog? Oh, there you are!`` 63 00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:12,237 ``Let me put down the parking brake, that`ll hold you, you bastard.`` 64 00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:17,438 ``l`ve got to shift... Oh!`` 65 00:05:25,447 --> 00:05:29,918 ``That was your head? l`m sorry. l thought it was the shifty thingy.`` 66 00:05:30,087 --> 00:05:33,966 ``Same size. Leather, fur, l don`t know the difference.`` 67 00:05:34,127 --> 00:05:37,199 ``l thought l was grinding the gears.`` 68 00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:44,323 Thanks for laughing at that. That`s the stupidest joke l tell all night. 69 00:05:44,487 --> 00:05:47,320 That morning, l don`t know why l didn`t see it- 70 00:05:47,487 --> 00:05:51,605 -my children had taken vinyl window holiday decorations- 71 00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:54,884 -and put them all over the back window of the Prius. 72 00:05:55,047 --> 00:06:00,075 Christmas trees, Santa Claus. Snowflakes. lt was so pretty. 73 00:06:00,247 --> 00:06:02,807 My wife calls me, laughing hysterically. 74 00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:07,006 ``What`s so funny?`` ``Can you see yourself?`` 75 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:11,957 ``You`re driving a powder blue Prius, holding a 3-pound Chihuahua.`` 76 00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:15,915 ``There`s pretty Christmas decorations all over your car.`` 77 00:06:16,087 --> 00:06:20,478 ``And you make a living with dolls. You`re gay!`` - Click. 78 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:35,276 And l`m like, ``Bitch!`` - click. 79 00:06:38,687 --> 00:06:42,726 A Chihuahua. That`s my wife`s idea of a family pet. 80 00:06:42,887 --> 00:06:46,516 The dog l picked out is Bill, our Golden Retriever. He`s 80 pounds. 81 00:06:46,687 --> 00:06:50,646 Now that is a dog, ladies and gentlemen. 82 00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:56,522 l named him Bill because l got him when Clinton was in office- 83 00:06:56,687 --> 00:07:00,043 -and as a puppy, he was humping everything. 84 00:07:06,047 --> 00:07:08,117 When it comes to dogs- 85 00:07:08,287 --> 00:07:11,040 -l have criteria for what is and is not a dog. 86 00:07:11,207 --> 00:07:18,158 Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks. 87 00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:24,361 Not a dog: anything l can easily drop-kick over my back fence. 88 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:30,318 Not a dog: anything that is regularly terrified by a running leaf. 89 00:07:30,487 --> 00:07:34,878 That`s not a dog, that`s a yapping Beanie Baby, that`s what that is. 90 00:07:35,047 --> 00:07:39,563 lt`s the Richard Simmons of canines, that`s all l`m saying. 91 00:07:56,447 --> 00:08:00,076 ``Honey, what was that?`` ``l don`t know!``, 92 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:03,364 Bill`s sitting next to me: ``l don`t know either!`` 93 00:08:03,527 --> 00:08:06,564 ``You`re a genius, do it again!`` 94 00:08:06,727 --> 00:08:09,195 Size does matter in the canine brain. 95 00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:12,165 Bill, Golden Retriever, very smart animal. 96 00:08:12,327 --> 00:08:16,400 lf he pooped on the living room carpet, l stuck his nose in it. 97 00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:20,719 Three times later, he figured out: ``l`m not supposed to crap here.`` 98 00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:25,039 Next two dogs, same thing. Now the brain-dead Chihuahua comes along. 99 00:08:25,207 --> 00:08:27,516 She poops on the carpet, l stick her nose in it- 100 00:08:27,687 --> 00:08:33,842 -three times later she thinks, ``l`m not supposed to crap, ever.`` 101 00:08:38,447 --> 00:08:43,043 And that`s why they shake. 102 00:08:53,127 --> 00:08:55,960 Another way Chihuahuas prove their lack of intelligence: 103 00:08:56,127 --> 00:09:00,166 Most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you run with it- 104 00:09:00,327 --> 00:09:03,524 -you put the stick in your mouth sideways. 105 00:09:05,967 --> 00:09:10,677 l am not kidding. This little idiot dog found a stick as long as she was- 106 00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:14,522 -and she stuck it in her mouth straight out the front. 107 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:17,645 This is all true. We`re on the couch watching TV. 108 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:21,766 She runs through the house, as fast as she can, stick straight out. 109 00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:28,036 As she runs across the carpet she decides to quickly look down. 110 00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:31,279 Oh yeah. Stick in the carpet, crammed down her throat. 111 00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:35,281 With momentum, she actually pole-vaulted over the stick. 112 00:09:46,007 --> 00:09:48,999 Of course my wife and my girls are all... 113 00:09:49,167 --> 00:09:53,319 l couldn`t breathe, l was laughing so hard. 114 00:09:53,487 --> 00:09:56,923 l thought, ``Damn, if she`d been going a little faster-`` 115 00:09:57,087 --> 00:10:01,638 ``-l`d have a new puppet. A Chihuahua on a stick!`` 116 00:10:11,647 --> 00:10:14,844 My wife started going nuts with the Chihuahua thing. 117 00:10:15,007 --> 00:10:16,998 She named her Chihuahua Darby. 118 00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:21,445 After a year and a half my wife decided it was time to breed the dog. 119 00:10:21,607 --> 00:10:27,364 My wife got on the internet and found the 3-pound...stud...Chihuahua. 120 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:31,236 l don`t know how you call anything that`s 3 pounds `a stud`. 121 00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:35,082 We picked up little Jake. The owner wanted to get rid of him. 122 00:10:35,247 --> 00:10:38,717 So Jake came to live at our house. He was full grown, ready to go. 123 00:10:38,887 --> 00:10:40,843 Then Darby came in heat. 124 00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:44,966 Not long afterthat we had three tiny little Chihuahua puppies. 125 00:10:45,127 --> 00:10:49,279 The two larger ones my wife gave away. The runt of the litter... 126 00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:53,759 The runt from two 3-pound dogs we decided to keep. 127 00:10:53,927 --> 00:10:58,159 Rusty is now full-grown, at a whopping 1.8 pounds. 128 00:10:59,887 --> 00:11:03,482 The cool part is he and 80-pound Bill are best friends. 129 00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:05,763 l don`t know how you can be best friends- 130 00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:10,478 -with someone who is the same size as your poop. 131 00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:19,606 My kids question whether l`m funny or not. 132 00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:25,524 l pointed that out in the backyard to them. l`m a comedy genius now! 133 00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:31,124 The cool part is little Rusty picked me over everyone else to bond with. 134 00:11:31,287 --> 00:11:33,437 He likes me best, we don`t know why. l kinda like it. 135 00:11:33,607 --> 00:11:35,802 l come home, he runs to the front door, l pick him up- 136 00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:41,644 -take him to my office. l have a stuffed car, he sits in that car. 137 00:11:41,807 --> 00:11:45,561 lf he sits just right, it looks like he`s driving around my desk. 138 00:11:45,727 --> 00:11:50,403 People walk in my office, ``lt`s a rat! Oh, it`s your dog.`` 139 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:57,365 The bond between Rusty and me has gone beyond just companionship. 140 00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,757 There`s an emotional bond. 141 00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:03,397 This has happened 5 times. lt can`t be coincidence. 142 00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:06,923 The three Chihuahuas sleep in the bed with my wife and me. 143 00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:10,363 My wife and l will get into an argument, go to bed angry. 144 00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:14,520 You`re not supposed to do that, but we`re tired. 145 00:12:14,687 --> 00:12:17,838 Rusty hears the argument, knows we`re not happy with each other. 146 00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:21,044 But he takes my side. At 3 or 4 in the morning- 147 00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:25,405 -he will wake up, and pee on my wife. 148 00:12:35,127 --> 00:12:37,561 l am not kidding. 149 00:12:37,727 --> 00:12:41,242 lt`s the greatest thing ever! 150 00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:43,637 l have the satisfaction of knowing- 151 00:12:43,807 --> 00:12:48,403 -if l go to bed angry with my wife, it`s gonna be taken care of. 152 00:12:50,007 --> 00:12:52,475 This is all absolutely true. 153 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:56,959 l had to get up early for an East Coast flight, about 3:30. 154 00:12:57,127 --> 00:13:00,164 My wife and l had argued, l wake up still mad at her. 155 00:13:00,327 --> 00:13:03,205 4 am, l`m ready to walk out the door, but l still love her. 156 00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:06,325 l go to kiss her. l walk over and put my hand on her... 157 00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:10,196 ``Rusty, my man!`` 158 00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:15,196 lt`s still warm, she hasn`t woken up yet. 159 00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:20,680 l lean over, ``l love you honey, see you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!`` 160 00:13:20,847 --> 00:13:24,283 Rusty`s at the end of the bed just wagging his tail. 161 00:13:24,447 --> 00:13:29,567 l`m at the front door, ``l hope he doesn`t teach Bill to do that.`` 162 00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:36,518 We have three daughters. They are 9, 11 and 15 years old. 163 00:13:36,687 --> 00:13:40,805 They`ve had normal childhoods. Most things have been great. 164 00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:44,642 Some things have been different because of the ventriloquism. 165 00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:48,561 For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak. 166 00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,321 Not when Mommy`s around. 167 00:13:55,487 --> 00:14:00,197 ``Ken, you smell like beer and cigarettes.`` 168 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:05,325 l`m a lot of fun at Toys `R` Us around Christmastime. 169 00:14:05,487 --> 00:14:11,517 Boys run to their parents, ``Mommy, know what that Gl Joe said to me?`` 170 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,882 They will never catch me. 171 00:14:18,047 --> 00:14:20,561 We try to take family walks as often as possible. 172 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:23,287 On these walks, we let one kid pick out one dog. 173 00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:26,883 One evening we let Kenna, the 9-year-old, choose. 174 00:14:27,047 --> 00:14:32,405 Kenna seems to have a real twisted sense of humor. 175 00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:36,276 We don`t know where that came from. 176 00:14:36,447 --> 00:14:41,362 We have a leash. One of those big self-retracting leashes. 177 00:14:41,527 --> 00:14:44,280 You push the button and it quickly retracts. 178 00:14:44,447 --> 00:14:48,235 Don`t beat me to the funny part. 179 00:14:48,407 --> 00:14:51,638 l walk out the front door and think l`ll be the first one there. 180 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:55,356 Kenna is out front and has Darby hooked up to that leash. 181 00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:59,042 She`s 2 feet away. Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up. 182 00:14:59,207 --> 00:15:02,882 Darby is going... l ask Kenna, ``What are you doing?`` 183 00:15:03,047 --> 00:15:07,199 ``l`m trying to make her heel automatically.`` 184 00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:11,679 l say, ``Kenna! lt doesn`t work. l already tried it.`` 185 00:15:11,847 --> 00:15:13,997 ``High five.`` 186 00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:17,079 We`re out for a walk and Kenna has the dog at full extension. 187 00:15:17,247 --> 00:15:21,160 30 or 40 feet on the leash and she hasn`t given up on what she`s trying. 188 00:15:21,327 --> 00:15:24,125 As we`re walking she`s pushing the button and letting it up. 189 00:15:24,287 --> 00:15:26,642 Looking at the dog, looking at the leash- 190 00:15:26,807 --> 00:15:28,843 -the wheels in her head turning... 191 00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:32,079 ``What is this twisted little child going to do?`` 192 00:15:32,247 --> 00:15:36,126 As we`re walking, she pushed the button. Quickly and on purpose- 193 00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:38,881 -dropped the leash. 194 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,799 Do you see the brilliance here? 195 00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:49,836 The leash then began to chase the Chihuahua. 196 00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:04,396 A big hunk of black plastic skimmed across the pavement. 197 00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:07,639 The Chihuahua stopped. She heard a new noise. 198 00:16:07,807 --> 00:16:11,356 She looked behind her. Here comes the leash. 199 00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:13,916 At this point, the Chihuahua is smart enough to know- 200 00:16:14,087 --> 00:16:17,523 -that now would be a good time to panic. 201 00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:21,760 She took off like a bullet down the street running as fast as she could. 202 00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:25,966 But the leash was slightly faster. 203 00:16:26,127 --> 00:16:30,439 l`m standing there, ``Where`s the video camera?`` 204 00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:33,997 ``We can win 10,000 bucks! `Watch what happens!``` 205 00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:37,523 And sure enough... 206 00:16:37,687 --> 00:16:41,282 Of course my wife and my two oldest girls... 207 00:16:41,447 --> 00:16:45,884 Kenna and l are rolling in the lawn. 208 00:16:54,727 --> 00:16:57,764 l`m high-fiving her, telling her she`s a genius. 209 00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:00,316 Mommy turns around, sees us laughing. 210 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:04,116 ``Crap! Don`t look her in the eye. Look down. Back away slowly.`` 211 00:17:04,287 --> 00:17:07,996 ``Rusty will piss on her later.`` 212 00:17:14,887 --> 00:17:17,320 Ladies and gentlemen, you`re an awesome audience. 213 00:17:18,406 --> 00:17:23,083 How about we get to the people you came to see tonight? 214 00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:33,046 The first guy, l think audiences enjoy because everyone- 215 00:17:33,207 --> 00:17:36,961 -knows someone like this. ln your own family or where you work. 216 00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:40,119 Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter. 217 00:18:02,327 --> 00:18:05,000 Get a life. 218 00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:12,521 -How you doing, Walter? -What happened to your hair? 219 00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:15,565 Looks like you were in a fricking car wreck. 220 00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:20,926 -They said it makes me look hip. -l think it makes you look homeless. 221 00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:26,445 Been in D.C. fortwo days and you`re already fricking homeless. Holy cow. 222 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,837 -Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.? -Oh yeah. 223 00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:35,525 There`s nothing quite like being mugged in our nation`s capital. 224 00:18:35,687 --> 00:18:39,362 There`s a lot of excitement that goes on in Washington, D.C. 225 00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:45,204 Yeah, what happens in D.C. stays on YouTube. 226 00:18:52,607 --> 00:18:54,882 So you don`t like being in D.C.? 227 00:18:55,047 --> 00:18:57,880 No, l like it. l get screwed on my taxes every year. 228 00:18:58,047 --> 00:19:03,121 So it`s fun to come visit the source. 229 00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:08,720 -What did you do for fun today? -Stood in front of the lRS building. 230 00:19:08,887 --> 00:19:11,720 l just flipped them off. 231 00:19:18,687 --> 00:19:21,076 -Did you go to the White House? -Oh yeah. 232 00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:24,603 That`s where the most powerful man in the free world lives. 233 00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:27,964 Oprah? 234 00:19:34,447 --> 00:19:38,679 -What`s wrong with you tonight? -l don`t know. l`m just pissed. 235 00:19:38,847 --> 00:19:41,441 -l don`t want to go home. -Why not? 236 00:19:41,607 --> 00:19:44,440 l think my house is haunted. 237 00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:48,919 -Why do you think that? -My wife is there. 238 00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:59,120 l walk in the front door and all l hear is, ``Get out!`` 239 00:20:02,247 --> 00:20:04,807 You got in another argument on the phone today, didn`t you? 240 00:20:04,967 --> 00:20:07,356 -You heard that, did you? -Oh yeah. 241 00:20:07,527 --> 00:20:12,396 Hung up on her. She called right back, ``Did you hang up on me?`` 242 00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:16,958 l said, ``l don`t know, did it sound something like this?`` - Click. 243 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:28,843 -Did that make her angry? -l felt a disturbance in The Force. 244 00:20:29,007 --> 00:20:31,680 You ever made her that mad when you`re standing in front of her? 245 00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:36,238 Yeah. My mothertold me if you`re in a jam and don`t know what to do- 246 00:20:36,407 --> 00:20:40,036 -you should think, ``What would Jesus do?`` 247 00:20:40,207 --> 00:20:43,722 So l tried to turn her into a fish. 248 00:20:46,207 --> 00:20:51,839 l stood there going, ``Begone, Satan!`` 249 00:20:52,007 --> 00:20:55,886 ``Hello, Shamu!`` 250 00:20:57,927 --> 00:21:02,955 Well, at least Shamu has only one blowhole. 251 00:21:10,287 --> 00:21:14,519 Aw, screw you. That was funny. 252 00:21:19,047 --> 00:21:22,278 Look, it`s the ClA. 253 00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:32,564 l see you. 254 00:21:36,847 --> 00:21:40,237 We can all see you. 255 00:21:44,687 --> 00:21:49,636 You know, the show looks a lot better from the front. 256 00:21:49,807 --> 00:21:53,163 ls the director drunk? What the hell? 257 00:22:06,207 --> 00:22:09,085 What? Holy crap! 258 00:22:17,487 --> 00:22:20,479 Wait, come back. Let me see in there. 259 00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:25,721 This is Comedy Central. l can see Cartman. 260 00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:30,756 l can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed. 261 00:22:41,247 --> 00:22:43,363 You`ve been married a long time. 262 00:22:43,527 --> 00:22:47,076 Ups and downs in any marriage. Ever been to marriage counseling? 263 00:22:47,247 --> 00:22:49,920 -Yes. -What did that do for you? 264 00:22:50,087 --> 00:22:55,480 Look at me. l`m happy! 265 00:22:55,647 --> 00:22:58,639 Come on. What were the results of the counseling? 266 00:22:58,807 --> 00:23:03,961 At the end of it all, there were two folks who thought l was an ass. 267 00:23:04,127 --> 00:23:08,564 And l`m paying both of them. 268 00:23:08,727 --> 00:23:12,276 -But you are happy to be here? -Oh sure. Betterthan last week. 269 00:23:12,447 --> 00:23:15,564 Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida. You didn`t like that? 270 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:22,724 No. Everyone in Fort Lauderdale, Florida looks exactly like me. 271 00:23:30,847 --> 00:23:34,806 l swear, it`s like one giant nursing home. 272 00:23:34,967 --> 00:23:38,357 Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape those ``Girls Gone Wild`` videos. 273 00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:43,282 That`s during Spring Break. The rest of the time it`s ``Girls Gone Saggy``. 274 00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:48,525 Or it`s ``Girls Gone Senile``. 275 00:23:48,687 --> 00:23:51,804 And then it`s just ``Girls Gone``. 276 00:23:54,287 --> 00:23:56,881 -You didn`t like the weather either. -Oh my God. 277 00:23:57,047 --> 00:24:01,723 Even in the middle of winter, it`s humid as hell and hot as hell. 278 00:24:01,887 --> 00:24:04,196 We got there, l took a shower on Monday. 279 00:24:04,367 --> 00:24:07,916 Friday, still not dry. 280 00:24:08,087 --> 00:24:12,046 l swear, l have moss on my ass. 281 00:24:17,567 --> 00:24:19,956 You said the weather changes too quickly. 282 00:24:20,127 --> 00:24:24,405 l know it changes fast everywhere, but in Florida, it`s ridiculous. 283 00:24:24,567 --> 00:24:27,684 -What are you talking about? -l was standing on the beach. 284 00:24:27,847 --> 00:24:30,645 ln the sunshine, having a little iced tea. 285 00:24:30,807 --> 00:24:33,924 l looked over and go, ``Ooh, look, a little cloud.`` 286 00:24:34,087 --> 00:24:37,716 About three minutes later... 287 00:24:37,887 --> 00:24:41,323 ``Holy crap!`` 288 00:24:41,487 --> 00:24:43,682 The locals are hanging on to the palm trees. 289 00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:47,123 ``We love it here!`` 290 00:24:47,287 --> 00:24:49,847 You dumbasses! 291 00:24:50,007 --> 00:24:54,762 l say, leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out! 292 00:25:03,367 --> 00:25:05,642 Alright, so you want someplace a little cooler. 293 00:25:05,807 --> 00:25:08,241 Remember, we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin. 294 00:25:08,407 --> 00:25:14,880 Yeah, in February! lt was negative 20 with a negative 30 wind chill. 295 00:25:15,047 --> 00:25:20,405 l`d get on stage every night and say, ``You people are idiots``. 296 00:25:20,567 --> 00:25:25,561 ``Did you know the borders are open?`` 297 00:25:25,727 --> 00:25:29,003 ``Pack up your Suburban and get the hell out!`` 298 00:25:29,167 --> 00:25:32,045 Another thing. Green Bay Packers stadium, what`s it called? 299 00:25:32,207 --> 00:25:38,123 -Lambo Field. -Lambo Field. No roof. Hello! 300 00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:42,280 How many football season weekends have good weather in Green Bay? 301 00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:45,519 That would be...none. 302 00:25:45,687 --> 00:25:50,807 Note to self: build a fricking roof. 303 00:25:50,967 --> 00:25:55,836 We have the technology. 304 00:25:56,007 --> 00:26:00,876 Yeah, you talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say? 305 00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:05,006 ``We love it here.`` 306 00:26:05,167 --> 00:26:08,443 ``We`re a hardy people.`` 307 00:26:08,607 --> 00:26:12,282 A bunch of frozen dumbasses, is what you are. 308 00:26:12,447 --> 00:26:16,725 Walter, you don`t like humidity, you don`t like extreme cold. 309 00:26:16,887 --> 00:26:18,878 You want someplace warmer and drier. 310 00:26:19,047 --> 00:26:24,679 -Well in August, we were in Phoenix. -August in Phoenix, Arizona. 311 00:26:24,847 --> 00:26:28,999 Your agent is a moron. 312 00:26:31,367 --> 00:26:34,723 lt was 112 forthree days in a row. 313 00:26:34,887 --> 00:26:39,517 What do all the locals say? ``But it`s a dry heat.`` 314 00:26:39,687 --> 00:26:43,282 Screw you. 315 00:26:48,887 --> 00:26:52,243 A bonfire`s a dry heat. 316 00:26:52,407 --> 00:26:55,922 You don`t see me sticking my ass in one of those, do you? 317 00:26:56,087 --> 00:27:00,444 ``Your ass is on fire.`` ``lt`s a dry heat!`` 318 00:27:02,207 --> 00:27:06,803 ``l was in Florida, l gotta burn off the fricking moss!`` 319 00:27:10,727 --> 00:27:14,436 -Did you enjoy New York City? -Oh, l love New York City. 320 00:27:14,607 --> 00:27:18,885 lt was great. Do shows in Manhattan, about midnight get back to the hotel. 321 00:27:19,047 --> 00:27:21,686 At 1 a.m., l`d lay my head on the pillow- 322 00:27:21,847 --> 00:27:26,716 -and listen to the sounds of the city. 323 00:27:32,287 --> 00:27:34,755 Oh my God. 324 00:27:34,927 --> 00:27:38,602 -The city that never sleeps. -Well, it needs a fricking nap. 325 00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:43,477 You`ve eliminated every corner of the country. What about where we live? 326 00:27:43,647 --> 00:27:46,525 People love the weather in Southern California. 327 00:27:46,687 --> 00:27:50,316 At least with Florida and hurricanes, you get a little notice. 328 00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:54,321 You turn on the news: ``You have three days to get the hell out!`` 329 00:27:54,487 --> 00:27:56,796 -So? -ln L.A., we`ve got earthquakes. 330 00:27:56,967 --> 00:27:59,401 We don`t know jack. 331 00:27:59,567 --> 00:28:03,799 One morning, you could be sitting on the toilet and all of a sudden... 332 00:28:06,367 --> 00:28:09,962 There`s crap flying around the house. 333 00:28:10,127 --> 00:28:14,006 ``We love it here!`` 334 00:28:27,007 --> 00:28:29,760 You`re a dumbass, too. 335 00:28:29,927 --> 00:28:32,805 -Remember that last big earthquake? -Sure. 336 00:28:32,967 --> 00:28:35,527 -Bad timing on that earthquake. -How`s that? 337 00:28:35,687 --> 00:28:42,001 Not two seconds before it hit, l told my grandson to pull my finger. 338 00:28:46,847 --> 00:28:51,318 He pulled it, l farted and half the neighborhood fell down. 339 00:28:56,847 --> 00:29:01,796 That kid hasn`t come near me since. 340 00:29:01,967 --> 00:29:06,119 The other day l cracked my knuckles and he dove underthe couch. 341 00:29:25,887 --> 00:29:30,915 -What was that? -We`re in D.C. That was a veto. 342 00:29:39,047 --> 00:29:43,245 Walter, l`m listening to you and l get the feeling we travel too much. 343 00:29:43,407 --> 00:29:45,398 Oh, you think? 344 00:29:45,567 --> 00:29:49,924 -Why don`t you like airplanes? -l`m your carryon, for God`s sakes. 345 00:29:50,087 --> 00:29:54,399 l go in the x-ray machine. l could have cancer tonight! 346 00:29:54,567 --> 00:29:58,401 -Tell them what happened at O`Hare. -We`re going through the airport. 347 00:29:58,567 --> 00:30:01,923 l come out the other side of the x-ray and hearthe guy say to Jeff: 348 00:30:02,087 --> 00:30:04,442 ``Sir! l`ve got to look inside your suitcase.`` 349 00:30:04,607 --> 00:30:07,440 l`m lying there thinking, ``Aw crap, here we go.`` 350 00:30:07,607 --> 00:30:10,565 Jeff`s standing there, the guy opens the case, l pop up and go: 351 00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:14,356 ``Hey! Shut the damned door!`` 352 00:30:20,327 --> 00:30:25,003 Scared the crap out of the guy. Then l thought about it a second and said: 353 00:30:25,167 --> 00:30:28,876 ``l do not want to go to Los Angeles.`` 354 00:30:36,807 --> 00:30:40,720 -And what happened? -We were detained. 355 00:30:40,887 --> 00:30:45,722 Them bastards have no sense of humor. 356 00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:48,003 They have to be tight on security these days. 357 00:30:48,167 --> 00:30:50,920 l know. The terrorist threats and all that crap. 358 00:30:51,087 --> 00:30:53,920 There`s one group of folks l don`t understand at all. 359 00:30:54,087 --> 00:31:00,401 Damned suicide bombers. Good God, what the hell is this? 360 00:31:05,807 --> 00:31:09,720 Well, way to go, habib. 361 00:31:09,887 --> 00:31:13,516 Bet you can`t fricking do it again. 362 00:31:26,287 --> 00:31:28,755 Dumbass. 363 00:31:28,927 --> 00:31:31,839 Walter, those guys believe that if they martyrthemselves- 364 00:31:32,007 --> 00:31:35,204 -there will be 72 virgins waiting forthem in Paradise. 365 00:31:35,367 --> 00:31:38,803 Well, April Fool, dumbass! 366 00:31:43,047 --> 00:31:48,599 lf there are virgins waiting for you, it`ll be 72 guys just like you! 367 00:31:50,887 --> 00:31:54,960 ``Oh no, this is not what Osama said it would be``. 368 00:32:03,687 --> 00:32:09,842 72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what they`re doing? 369 00:32:29,287 --> 00:32:33,246 He had a longer fuse. 370 00:32:34,847 --> 00:32:39,284 l wonder if they pull that joke on each other every once in a while. 371 00:32:39,447 --> 00:32:43,486 What joke? 372 00:32:46,407 --> 00:32:48,921 What the... 373 00:33:00,807 --> 00:33:03,958 ``Did you see Jamil`s face?`` 374 00:33:04,127 --> 00:33:07,244 ``lt`s gone now, but did you see his face?`` 375 00:33:11,807 --> 00:33:16,597 72 virgins. Sounds like a punishment to me. 376 00:33:16,767 --> 00:33:22,125 l gotta teach 72 women how to have sex? Oh my God! 377 00:33:22,287 --> 00:33:26,075 l hope there`s no Viagra in heaven. 378 00:33:26,247 --> 00:33:31,241 lmpotence is God`s way of helping a man like me to `just say no`. 379 00:33:37,127 --> 00:33:42,042 lf l take Viagra, it`s just to help me keep from rolling out of bed. 380 00:33:52,807 --> 00:33:56,004 -Did you get that one? -She got it! 381 00:33:57,007 --> 00:34:00,477 -lt`s a kickstand joke. -Will you stop? 382 00:34:06,327 --> 00:34:09,399 What`re you shaking your head at? You got a good love life? 383 00:34:09,567 --> 00:34:12,525 -Sure. Yeah. -Good sex life? With your wife? 384 00:34:15,127 --> 00:34:17,561 -Yes. -Good for her, too? 385 00:34:17,726 --> 00:34:20,560 -Yeah. -How do you know? 386 00:34:23,087 --> 00:34:27,603 -What? -How do you know? 387 00:34:29,327 --> 00:34:32,159 We`re waiting! 388 00:34:32,327 --> 00:34:36,114 Well, sometimes she calls me... 389 00:34:36,286 --> 00:34:38,562 ...``The Hurricane``. 390 00:34:38,726 --> 00:34:43,039 -The what? -``The Hurricane``. 391 00:34:43,206 --> 00:34:48,839 Yeah, l get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. 392 00:34:56,047 --> 00:34:58,959 You know, maybe she should call you ``FEMA``. 393 00:35:01,407 --> 00:35:03,477 Now what does that mean? 394 00:35:03,647 --> 00:35:08,357 Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results. 395 00:35:11,687 --> 00:35:14,155 You should know. How long have you been married? 396 00:35:14,327 --> 00:35:16,682 -47 years. -That`s amazing. 397 00:35:16,847 --> 00:35:20,237 l know it. That old bitch will never die. 398 00:35:21,687 --> 00:35:24,281 -How long you been married? -17 years. 399 00:35:24,447 --> 00:35:26,677 That`s pretty good. How do you do it? 400 00:35:26,847 --> 00:35:30,237 l learned a long time ago that every couple argues. 401 00:35:30,407 --> 00:35:33,956 l learned that when we`re in the middle of a big argument- 402 00:35:34,127 --> 00:35:36,846 -l just think of something completely different. 403 00:35:37,007 --> 00:35:40,238 That takes my mind off it, and l don`t stay angry as long. 404 00:35:40,407 --> 00:35:43,319 So you think of something completely different? Like what? 405 00:35:43,487 --> 00:35:49,164 Oh l don`t know. Like if you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 406 00:36:01,367 --> 00:36:03,517 -Choke a Smurf? -Right. 407 00:36:03,687 --> 00:36:08,681 ls that what they`re calling it now? 408 00:36:16,207 --> 00:36:19,677 What the hell happened to the chicken? 409 00:36:32,167 --> 00:36:35,239 Let me get back to marriage. You`ve been married a long time. 410 00:36:35,407 --> 00:36:38,717 -Do you still really love your wife? -Of course l love her. 411 00:36:38,887 --> 00:36:41,959 -Told her lately that you love her? -Naw. 412 00:36:42,127 --> 00:36:44,197 -Why not? -She knows it. 413 00:36:44,367 --> 00:36:48,042 -How does she know it? -l smile a lot. 414 00:36:51,127 --> 00:36:53,595 -Have you ever cheated on her? -No! 415 00:36:53,767 --> 00:36:56,281 Dammit. 416 00:36:56,447 --> 00:37:01,362 -Marriage is supposed to be forever. -And this one`s taking too damn long. 417 00:37:01,527 --> 00:37:05,964 -Marriage is an institution. -So is Alcatraz. 418 00:37:06,127 --> 00:37:08,641 You can`t compare marriage to prison. 419 00:37:08,807 --> 00:37:13,597 l guess you`re right. The warden doesn`t max out your credit cards. 420 00:37:13,767 --> 00:37:18,363 The other day she got me some of that spray-on hair crap in a can. 421 00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:23,043 -Did you use it? -Yeah. On your Chihuahua. 422 00:37:26,487 --> 00:37:29,957 Turned it into a Shi-Tzu. 423 00:37:30,127 --> 00:37:34,006 Your birthday wasn`t too long ago. Did your wife get you anything? 424 00:37:34,167 --> 00:37:37,796 -She got me a book on reincarnation. -Do you believe in reincarnation? 425 00:37:37,967 --> 00:37:40,640 -Hell, l don`t know. -Who would you come back as? 426 00:37:40,807 --> 00:37:44,959 l`d come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone. 427 00:37:49,007 --> 00:37:52,204 -You pick on her all the time. -Yeah, l know. 428 00:37:52,367 --> 00:37:56,645 Maybe one day, l`ll be reincarnated and come back as a sensitive guy. 429 00:37:56,807 --> 00:38:01,244 Driving a blue fricking Prius. 430 00:38:09,727 --> 00:38:14,437 -That is the saddest little vehicle. -lt`s a great car! 431 00:38:14,607 --> 00:38:16,518 You ever heard it when you`re driving by? 432 00:38:16,687 --> 00:38:20,157 lt goes, ``liiiiii`m gay.`` 433 00:38:25,127 --> 00:38:28,358 ``liiiiii`m gay.`` 434 00:38:31,127 --> 00:38:34,802 When it idles it goes ``homohomohomohomo...`` 435 00:38:40,967 --> 00:38:44,004 -ls that a new watch? -No, l`ve had it a long time. 436 00:38:44,167 --> 00:38:49,764 A long time ago you had a rubber, plastic ugly funny name thing. 437 00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:53,283 That was years ago when l was in college. 438 00:38:53,447 --> 00:38:57,360 They were popular and might be coming back. lt`s called a Swatch. 439 00:38:57,527 --> 00:38:59,677 What in the hell is a Swatch? 440 00:38:59,847 --> 00:39:04,284 A company in Switzerland invented that watch, so they called it Swatch. 441 00:39:04,447 --> 00:39:07,325 Good thing they weren`t in Croatia. 442 00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:21,158 ``What time is it?``, ``l don`t know, let me look at my Crotch.`` 443 00:39:25,487 --> 00:39:29,366 ``Sorry l`m late, but my Crotch is a little slow.`` 444 00:39:29,527 --> 00:39:33,918 -lt`s like the Timex, it takes a ... -Walter! 445 00:39:34,087 --> 00:39:37,159 That`s Walter, there we go! 446 00:39:50,727 --> 00:39:52,718 Thank you. 447 00:39:52,887 --> 00:39:57,358 As we all know, there`s a big mess in the Middle East right now. 448 00:39:57,527 --> 00:39:59,643 When it comes to the terrorists- 449 00:39:59,807 --> 00:40:03,436 -most of us don`t understand their extremist views and beliefs. 450 00:40:03,607 --> 00:40:07,964 l was thinking, how would it be to sit and talk to one of those guys? 451 00:40:14,767 --> 00:40:18,442 We have that opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome- 452 00:40:18,607 --> 00:40:21,280 -Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. 453 00:40:44,407 --> 00:40:48,082 -Good evening, Achmed. -Good evening. 454 00:40:48,247 --> 00:40:51,717 lnfidel. 455 00:40:51,887 --> 00:40:56,199 -So you`re a terrorist. -Yes. l am a terrorist. 456 00:40:56,367 --> 00:41:02,556 -What kind of terrorist? -A terrifying...terrorist. 457 00:41:04,167 --> 00:41:07,682 -Are you scared? -Not really. No. 458 00:41:11,007 --> 00:41:14,477 -And now? -Not really. No. 459 00:41:18,807 --> 00:41:21,162 -How about now? -No. 460 00:41:21,327 --> 00:41:24,205 Goddammit. 461 00:41:27,567 --> 00:41:30,798 l mean...uh...l mean, Allahdammit. 462 00:41:32,007 --> 00:41:34,202 Silence! 463 00:41:34,367 --> 00:41:36,961 l kill you. 464 00:41:45,767 --> 00:41:49,282 -So, Achmed. -No, no. ls Achmed. 465 00:41:49,447 --> 00:41:53,235 -That`s what l said. -No, you said Achmed. ls Achmed. 466 00:41:54,367 --> 00:41:57,006 Silence! 467 00:41:57,167 --> 00:42:00,159 l kill you. 468 00:42:07,487 --> 00:42:11,844 -How do you spell it? -What? 469 00:42:12,007 --> 00:42:15,556 -How do you spell your name? -Oh let`s see. A. 470 00:42:15,727 --> 00:42:17,718 C... 471 00:42:18,767 --> 00:42:21,759 Phlegm. 472 00:42:23,967 --> 00:42:27,721 Silence! l kill you. 473 00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:39,641 As a terrorist, l suppose you have some sort of specialty. 474 00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:42,844 Yes. l am a suicide bomber. 475 00:42:43,007 --> 00:42:46,920 -So, you`re finished. -What? 476 00:42:47,087 --> 00:42:49,920 -You`ve done your job. -No, l haven`t. 477 00:42:50,087 --> 00:42:55,445 -You`re dead. -No, l`m not. l feel fine. 478 00:42:55,607 --> 00:43:00,123 -But you`re all bone. -ls a flesh wound. 479 00:43:00,287 --> 00:43:04,599 Silence! l kill you. 480 00:43:07,287 --> 00:43:11,519 What the hell happened to my feet? 481 00:43:11,687 --> 00:43:17,637 Son of a bitch. What the hell? What are you doing? Stop it! 482 00:43:17,807 --> 00:43:22,403 What are you trying to... Stop touching me! 483 00:43:27,887 --> 00:43:31,084 l kill you! 484 00:43:31,247 --> 00:43:33,761 -We`ll fix this. -What are you doing? Holy crap! 485 00:43:33,927 --> 00:43:39,160 l`m in the air, wait wait. Something is backwards. Holy crap. 486 00:43:39,327 --> 00:43:42,080 l need some ligaments. 487 00:43:42,247 --> 00:43:44,397 -Just sit still. -Okay. 488 00:43:44,567 --> 00:43:47,798 l will not move my ass. 489 00:43:47,967 --> 00:43:52,597 You idiot, you don`t have an ass! 490 00:44:00,207 --> 00:44:02,596 -ls that Walter? -Yeah. 491 00:44:02,767 --> 00:44:05,804 He scares the crap out of me. 492 00:44:07,527 --> 00:44:10,758 Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase. 493 00:44:10,927 --> 00:44:14,886 -Why? -He has gas! 494 00:44:15,047 --> 00:44:20,041 Saddam`s mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart. 495 00:44:20,207 --> 00:44:24,644 Ah, ha ha ha ha. 496 00:44:30,207 --> 00:44:35,281 lt`s not funny. He will kill us. 497 00:44:35,447 --> 00:44:37,722 Listen, l have something to tell you. 498 00:44:37,887 --> 00:44:40,640 -What? -You really are dead. 499 00:44:40,807 --> 00:44:46,359 Are you sure? l just got my flu shot. 500 00:44:46,527 --> 00:44:48,882 -You really are dead. -Wait, if l`m dead... 501 00:44:49,047 --> 00:44:52,722 That means l get my 72 virgins. 502 00:44:55,687 --> 00:44:58,360 Are you my virgins? 503 00:44:58,527 --> 00:45:01,166 -l hope not. -Why? 504 00:45:01,327 --> 00:45:05,036 There`s a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there. 505 00:45:07,847 --> 00:45:11,681 lf this is Paradise, l`ve been screwed! 506 00:45:11,847 --> 00:45:14,566 Did they say it would be only female virgins? 507 00:45:14,727 --> 00:45:17,287 Holy crap! 508 00:45:24,887 --> 00:45:28,766 Wait! l can have Clay Aiken. 509 00:45:34,087 --> 00:45:37,318 l told a joke. 510 00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:43,676 -Achmed, where did you come from? -Yourfricking suitcase. 511 00:45:43,847 --> 00:45:45,838 l told another one. 512 00:45:46,007 --> 00:45:48,077 lf you`ve been in my suitcase- 513 00:45:48,247 --> 00:45:51,557 -how have we been getting through airport security? 514 00:45:51,727 --> 00:45:58,166 That`s easy. They open the case and l go, ``Hello! l am Lindsay Lohan!`` 515 00:46:03,167 --> 00:46:08,116 l told another joke! l can do this crap too. 516 00:46:08,287 --> 00:46:11,324 Here`s another one. Two Jews walk in a bar... 517 00:46:11,487 --> 00:46:13,842 -No. No. -What? 518 00:46:14,007 --> 00:46:16,567 You don`t let Jews in your bar? 519 00:46:16,727 --> 00:46:19,400 You racist bastard. 520 00:46:19,567 --> 00:46:23,276 What l mean is, l don`t want racist jokes in my act. 521 00:46:23,447 --> 00:46:26,598 Oh. Okay. How about if l kill the Jews? 522 00:46:26,767 --> 00:46:29,520 l`m kidding. l would not kill the Jews. 523 00:46:29,687 --> 00:46:35,444 l would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. 524 00:46:39,647 --> 00:46:46,166 Yes, yes. l did the same thing with two Catholic priests and a small boy. 525 00:46:51,487 --> 00:46:56,356 Yes, yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson! 526 00:46:59,327 --> 00:47:01,682 Achmed, stop doing this! 527 00:47:01,847 --> 00:47:06,363 -You can`t tell jokes like that. -Why not? l`m killing, so to speak. 528 00:47:06,527 --> 00:47:09,360 You can`t tell jokes like that. lt offends people. 529 00:47:09,527 --> 00:47:12,724 l`m dead, what do l care? 530 00:47:12,887 --> 00:47:15,924 What do you want me to do, knock-knock jokes? 531 00:47:16,087 --> 00:47:18,442 -lt would be better. -Okay, knock-knock. 532 00:47:18,607 --> 00:47:21,440 -Who`s there? -Me, l kill you. 533 00:47:21,607 --> 00:47:24,565 As a suicide bomber, did you have training? 534 00:47:24,727 --> 00:47:27,924 Of course. We had the suicide bomber training camp. 535 00:47:28,087 --> 00:47:32,399 -ls that a nice facility? -lt used to be. 536 00:47:32,567 --> 00:47:35,764 -What happened? -New guy! 537 00:47:35,927 --> 00:47:39,317 The idiot tried to practice. 538 00:47:39,487 --> 00:47:44,402 -What did you guys learn from that? -Location, location, location. 539 00:47:46,527 --> 00:47:50,679 Do you have a motto, like... ``We`re looking for a few good men``. 540 00:47:50,847 --> 00:47:54,476 ``We`re looking for some idiots with no future.`` 541 00:47:54,647 --> 00:48:00,802 -Where do you get your recruits? -The suicide hotline. 542 00:48:03,927 --> 00:48:07,442 That was dark, was it not? 543 00:48:07,607 --> 00:48:11,282 What exactly happened to you? What happened? 544 00:48:11,447 --> 00:48:16,316 lf you must know, l am a horrible suicide bomber. 545 00:48:16,487 --> 00:48:21,163 -What happened? -l had a premature detonation. 546 00:48:21,327 --> 00:48:26,401 l set the timerfor 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds. 547 00:48:26,567 --> 00:48:30,560 You know what that`s like, right? 548 00:48:36,807 --> 00:48:40,800 ``Mr. Hurricane.`` 549 00:48:42,007 --> 00:48:45,238 Ha ha ha ha ha. 550 00:48:47,367 --> 00:48:50,200 Achmed, what exactly happened to you? 551 00:48:50,367 --> 00:48:54,201 l was getting gasoline and l answered my cellphone. 552 00:48:54,367 --> 00:48:57,404 ``Can you hear me n...?`` 553 00:48:57,567 --> 00:49:01,799 At first, l thought it was because l went over my minutes. 554 00:49:01,967 --> 00:49:07,200 lt`s okay, l took that Verizon bastard with me. 555 00:49:14,447 --> 00:49:17,484 What`s it like to die? Do you see a white light? 556 00:49:17,647 --> 00:49:20,844 lf you`re dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes. 557 00:49:21,007 --> 00:49:24,522 Some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see? 558 00:49:24,687 --> 00:49:26,882 l saw flying car parts... 559 00:49:27,047 --> 00:49:29,641 What was the last thing through your mind? 560 00:49:29,807 --> 00:49:32,799 My ass. 561 00:49:34,087 --> 00:49:37,204 Waltertold me to tell that joke. 562 00:49:37,367 --> 00:49:44,125 -You never saw a white light? -No, but l saw a blue Prius. 563 00:49:46,167 --> 00:49:49,762 Do you really have one of those vehicles? 564 00:49:51,127 --> 00:49:54,756 That is not a car. That`s a lunchbox. 565 00:49:54,927 --> 00:49:58,476 Did you know, when you`re going down the highway in a Prius- 566 00:49:58,647 --> 00:50:03,596 -if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn? 567 00:50:03,767 --> 00:50:06,725 -You did this for a bunch of virgins? -Are you kidding me? 568 00:50:06,887 --> 00:50:10,846 l`d kill you for a Klondike bar. 569 00:50:12,047 --> 00:50:15,198 -So, l guess you are Muslim? -l don`t think so, no. 570 00:50:15,367 --> 00:50:20,122 Look at my ass. ``Made in China``. 571 00:50:20,287 --> 00:50:25,645 Walter says l`m just a stinking Halloween decoration. 572 00:50:28,487 --> 00:50:32,116 -Do you like being in D.C.? -l think some idiots must live here. 573 00:50:32,287 --> 00:50:35,279 -Why? -The Washington Monument. 574 00:50:35,447 --> 00:50:40,601 -Yes? -lt looks nothing like the guy. 575 00:50:40,767 --> 00:50:45,921 lt looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. 576 00:50:52,167 --> 00:50:54,442 -What do you think of Bush? -Oh, l love bush. 577 00:50:54,607 --> 00:50:57,440 Oh, you mean the President. l`m sorry! 578 00:50:57,607 --> 00:51:01,077 That`s Achmed, the Dead Terrorist! There we go. 579 00:51:08,567 --> 00:51:13,243 Thank you. There`s never been a bettertime than right now- 580 00:51:13,287 --> 00:51:15,403 -to introduce a brand new superhero. 581 00:51:15,527 --> 00:51:17,518 We have that very thing this evening. 582 00:51:17,687 --> 00:51:20,247 He`s big. He`s powerful. Please help me welcome- 583 00:51:20,407 --> 00:51:25,003 -the superhero...Melvin. 584 00:51:32,407 --> 00:51:36,400 H...h... Hi! 585 00:51:36,567 --> 00:51:38,558 -Good to see you, Melvin. -Thank you. 586 00:51:38,727 --> 00:51:42,640 lt`s nice being here in our nation`s capital. 587 00:51:42,807 --> 00:51:46,766 So, you`re a superhero. What is your most outstanding feature? 588 00:51:49,567 --> 00:51:52,320 My costume. 589 00:51:52,487 --> 00:51:54,955 -lt`s a very nice costume. -Thank you. 590 00:51:55,127 --> 00:51:58,483 -What does the `D` stand for? -Oh, that`s my theme song. 591 00:51:58,647 --> 00:52:04,040 -What`s your theme song? -Da da-da daa! 592 00:52:04,207 --> 00:52:08,962 -Where did you get the costume? -That is a superhero secret! 593 00:52:09,127 --> 00:52:11,925 -EBay? -Dammit! 594 00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:16,285 -How did you deduce that? -A tag on the back says EBay. 595 00:52:16,447 --> 00:52:19,484 lt`s as plain as the nose... Oops, sorry. 596 00:52:19,647 --> 00:52:23,401 Okay, so you`re a superhero. Do you fight crime? 597 00:52:23,567 --> 00:52:26,127 -Yes, of course! -What kind of crime? 598 00:52:26,287 --> 00:52:28,676 Bad kind. 599 00:52:28,847 --> 00:52:34,080 -So what have you done lately? -Today, l was battling a terrorist. 600 00:52:34,247 --> 00:52:37,045 -Achmed? -Yes. 601 00:52:37,207 --> 00:52:41,598 -And what kind of battle? -Checkers. 602 00:52:43,647 --> 00:52:48,118 Every time l`d get a king, he`d blow it up. 603 00:52:48,287 --> 00:52:51,597 -So what did you do? -l issued a verbal threat. 604 00:52:51,767 --> 00:52:56,124 And then Walter gassed him. 605 00:53:03,647 --> 00:53:06,480 -Melvin, do you have any powers? -Yes! 606 00:53:06,647 --> 00:53:09,798 -Like what? -l can fly. Really far. 607 00:53:09,967 --> 00:53:15,087 -How far? -How far can you throw me? 608 00:53:15,247 --> 00:53:18,683 -Do you have other powers? -X-ray vision! 609 00:53:18,847 --> 00:53:21,998 Can you see through something practical, like clothes? 610 00:53:22,167 --> 00:53:25,318 Oh, you`re sick. 611 00:53:25,487 --> 00:53:28,126 Yes. 612 00:53:28,287 --> 00:53:31,996 l love looking at boobies. 613 00:53:34,807 --> 00:53:38,880 That`s a beautiful pair, isn`t it? 614 00:53:39,047 --> 00:53:44,644 l`m glad l`m wearing loose shorts. 615 00:53:44,807 --> 00:53:52,487 Oh, l forgot. l can`t see through silicone. 616 00:53:52,647 --> 00:53:56,925 What? They`re good. Those are super-hooters. 617 00:53:57,087 --> 00:54:01,603 lf she had a theme song, it would be Ta ta-ta taa! 618 00:54:05,927 --> 00:54:11,479 lf she had a costume, she`d have two Ds on her chest. 619 00:54:11,647 --> 00:54:14,684 -l can look but l can`t touch. -Why? 620 00:54:14,847 --> 00:54:17,998 l`m lactose intolerant. 621 00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:23,195 You can fly and have x-ray vision. Those are the same as Superman! 622 00:54:23,367 --> 00:54:28,157 -Can you stop a speeding bullet? -Once. 623 00:54:31,527 --> 00:54:36,078 Shut up! lt hurts like hell. 624 00:54:36,247 --> 00:54:38,761 Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound? 625 00:54:38,927 --> 00:54:43,637 Why the hell would l do that? There`s not a lot of call for that. 626 00:54:43,807 --> 00:54:47,402 -Superman does that. -Show-off. 627 00:54:47,567 --> 00:54:51,845 He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effing thing. 628 00:54:53,087 --> 00:54:57,444 l can`t curse. l think the President should. 629 00:54:57,607 --> 00:55:00,565 -The President? -Yeah. Think about it. 630 00:55:00,727 --> 00:55:07,326 We had the A-bomb, the H-bomb. lt`s time for him to drop the F-bomb. 631 00:55:15,367 --> 00:55:19,280 He could go, ``Hey, terrorists! F you!`` 632 00:55:19,447 --> 00:55:22,917 So, like Superman, do you change clothes in a phone booth? 633 00:55:23,087 --> 00:55:25,282 What? 634 00:55:25,447 --> 00:55:29,645 -Superman does that too. -He`s got issues, doesn`t he? 635 00:55:29,807 --> 00:55:32,605 My wife met Lois Lane once. 636 00:55:32,767 --> 00:55:37,158 She said she acted like an H-O-R-E. 637 00:55:37,327 --> 00:55:39,966 You mean a W-H-O-R-E. 638 00:55:40,127 --> 00:55:46,839 What`s a `w-hore`? ls that like a Klingon? 639 00:55:47,007 --> 00:55:49,726 So you`re married. Does your wife have any powers? 640 00:55:49,887 --> 00:55:51,798 -Yes. -Like what? 641 00:55:51,967 --> 00:55:55,801 Once a month... 642 00:55:57,287 --> 00:56:00,438 She becomes evil. 643 00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:03,679 And l cannot defeat her. 644 00:56:03,847 --> 00:56:09,205 Our children run in terror. Our big dog cowers underthe couch. 645 00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:13,963 -You have a big dog? -Actually, l borrowed your Chihuahua. 646 00:56:14,127 --> 00:56:19,326 Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has all the same powers as Superman. 647 00:56:19,487 --> 00:56:22,843 That`s ridiculous. lf Krypto sniffs your crotch- 648 00:56:23,007 --> 00:56:26,841 -he`ll suck your lungs out your ass. 649 00:56:28,607 --> 00:56:33,078 lf he humps your leg, you`ll be in traction for a year. 650 00:56:33,247 --> 00:56:39,482 -Do you have an arch enemy? -Pinocchio. 651 00:56:39,647 --> 00:56:42,684 -Do you have a weakness? -Cupcakes. 652 00:56:42,847 --> 00:56:46,726 And porn. 653 00:56:46,887 --> 00:56:50,880 What? Not at the same time. 654 00:56:51,047 --> 00:56:55,404 l need a free hand. 655 00:57:01,327 --> 00:57:04,364 So, when there`s a problem, how are you summoned? 656 00:57:04,527 --> 00:57:08,076 l`m making a deal with the Commissioner to light up the sky- 657 00:57:08,247 --> 00:57:10,761 -with a spotlight of my symbol. 658 00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:15,045 -What`s your symbol? -A big nose in the sky. 659 00:57:15,207 --> 00:57:20,156 Trouble is, sometimes it doesn`t exactly look like a nose. 660 00:57:27,007 --> 00:57:31,205 lt`s not a cupcake, either. 661 00:57:31,367 --> 00:57:34,359 Da da-da daa! 662 00:57:34,527 --> 00:57:36,518 Are you friends with other superheroes? 663 00:57:36,687 --> 00:57:38,962 -Some of them. -How about Aquaman? 664 00:57:39,127 --> 00:57:42,483 l like Aquaman, he can breathe underwater and talk to fish. 665 00:57:42,647 --> 00:57:47,482 Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as SpongeBob. 666 00:57:49,047 --> 00:57:51,322 -How about the Hulk? -Why do you like the Hulk? 667 00:57:51,487 --> 00:57:53,717 The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets. 668 00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:58,517 Yeah, like every white trash guy on Cops . 669 00:58:02,967 --> 00:58:06,846 -l like the Flash. -He has no powers! 670 00:58:07,007 --> 00:58:10,079 He`s on meth. 671 00:58:10,247 --> 00:58:13,876 -Catwoman? -l used to date Catwoman. 672 00:58:14,047 --> 00:58:19,724 She gave me something l had to take medicine to get rid of. 673 00:58:19,887 --> 00:58:22,924 And boy, does it itch. 674 00:58:23,087 --> 00:58:26,523 And now it burns when l fly. 675 00:58:26,687 --> 00:58:30,043 Da da-da daa... 676 00:58:45,767 --> 00:58:49,316 Son of a bitch! 677 00:58:49,487 --> 00:58:52,923 lt`s the terrorists, l tell you. 678 00:58:56,527 --> 00:59:00,122 l look like Lex Luthor. 679 00:59:00,287 --> 00:59:05,281 -Can you put it back? -Sure. Here we go. 680 00:59:05,447 --> 00:59:09,918 -How`s that? -Da da-da daa. 681 00:59:17,487 --> 00:59:20,559 That kinda sucked. 682 00:59:20,727 --> 00:59:25,357 -Do superheroes date each other? -We date mortals sometimes, too. 683 00:59:25,527 --> 00:59:29,998 Did you know that Superman was dating Rosie O`Donnell? 684 00:59:30,167 --> 00:59:32,203 -l did not know that. -He had to quit. 685 00:59:32,367 --> 00:59:35,518 Because she got too big. 686 00:59:35,687 --> 00:59:40,158 He took her on one flight and threw out his back. 687 00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:44,036 Embarrassing when you`re flying a girl around Metropolis- 688 00:59:44,207 --> 00:59:47,802 -and yourfeet are still dragging the sidewalk. 689 00:59:52,487 --> 00:59:55,763 Da da-da daa. 690 00:59:55,927 --> 01:00:00,796 This looks like a job for Slim-Fast! 691 01:00:03,287 --> 01:00:06,165 -One last guy, how about Batman? -Oh. 692 01:00:06,327 --> 01:00:10,764 A grown man in a rubber suit, running around with a young boy? 693 01:00:10,927 --> 01:00:16,047 l don`t have to have x-ray vision to see what the hell`s going on there. 694 01:00:16,207 --> 01:00:20,120 l wondered about these superheroes and their young men sidekicks. 695 01:00:24,647 --> 01:00:29,437 You have five men in a suitcase. 696 01:00:29,607 --> 01:00:33,566 And one of them`s on a stick. 697 01:00:42,367 --> 01:00:46,599 Who is sliding down the proverbial Batpole now? 698 01:00:46,767 --> 01:00:51,887 lf you had a theme song, it would be La la-la laa. 699 01:00:52,047 --> 01:00:57,963 -You know, l have a wife and kids. -So does Tom Cruise! 700 01:00:59,007 --> 01:01:02,044 And that`s Melvin the Superhero. There we go. 701 01:01:07,527 --> 01:01:09,916 Thank you. 702 01:01:15,167 --> 01:01:18,079 Thank you so much. 703 01:01:18,247 --> 01:01:22,206 lf you`ve seen my show before, you`ll recognize this next guy. 704 01:01:22,367 --> 01:01:25,518 Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut. 705 01:01:36,087 --> 01:01:38,476 -How you doing, Peanut? -Pretty good, how are you? 706 01:01:38,647 --> 01:01:42,526 -l`m fine. -That`s good, that`s gooooooood. 707 01:01:43,887 --> 01:01:48,119 -So, you like it here? -Oh, l love being in D.C. 708 01:01:48,287 --> 01:01:53,839 D.C! lt`s great. And l love this theater, the Warner Theater. 709 01:01:54,007 --> 01:01:56,760 lt`s fantastic. And they`ve got a cool website. 710 01:01:56,927 --> 01:01:59,964 And a link to our website which is jeffdunham.com. 711 01:02:00,127 --> 01:02:02,846 -The thing that... -Peanut, stop... 712 01:02:03,007 --> 01:02:06,238 What? 713 01:02:06,407 --> 01:02:11,720 The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! 714 01:02:18,847 --> 01:02:22,157 l talk, you talk. l talk, you talk, that`s it! 715 01:02:22,327 --> 01:02:26,081 Focus. 716 01:02:29,727 --> 01:02:32,844 l am so sick of this crap. 717 01:02:33,007 --> 01:02:37,000 -l have tried going solo. -What happened? 718 01:02:37,167 --> 01:02:42,036 l kept falling off this fricking thing. 719 01:02:42,207 --> 01:02:44,277 Why did you interrupt me? 720 01:02:44,447 --> 01:02:48,076 -You mispronounced my last name. -l know. 721 01:02:48,247 --> 01:02:52,320 -lt`s Dunham. -Not when you look at it. Dun-Ham. 722 01:02:52,487 --> 01:02:55,285 Haaaaaam. 723 01:02:55,447 --> 01:02:59,042 You`re the other white meat. 724 01:03:02,367 --> 01:03:04,676 Don`t confuse everyone. lt`s Dunham. 725 01:03:04,847 --> 01:03:07,156 lt says Dun-ham ham ham ham. 726 01:03:15,687 --> 01:03:20,715 Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. 727 01:03:20,887 --> 01:03:25,677 Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. 728 01:03:29,847 --> 01:03:35,319 And when you think about it for 30 seconds, it`s Jefa Fa Dun Ham. 729 01:03:36,327 --> 01:03:38,363 Dot Com. 730 01:03:38,527 --> 01:03:42,520 Jefa Fa. You`re using an unneeded `F`. 731 01:03:42,687 --> 01:03:47,841 Jefa Fa. Dun Ham. 732 01:03:48,007 --> 01:03:50,919 Dot Com. 733 01:03:54,487 --> 01:03:58,878 Am l pissing you ofa fa? 734 01:04:08,287 --> 01:04:10,755 Jefa Fa? 735 01:04:10,927 --> 01:04:15,443 Dun Ham. Dot Com. 736 01:04:15,607 --> 01:04:20,965 The weird part is, l am actually pissing him off. 737 01:04:21,127 --> 01:04:24,961 And he would like to kill me. But he will not- 738 01:04:25,127 --> 01:04:29,120 -because that would be a form of suicide. 739 01:04:30,607 --> 01:04:32,677 -You want to kill me. -No, l don`t. 740 01:04:32,847 --> 01:04:38,797 Yes, yes, yes. Search yourfeelings, Jefa Fa. 741 01:04:42,607 --> 01:04:46,839 Dun Ham. Dot Com. 742 01:04:57,327 --> 01:05:01,639 -What? -Dude, you need a Tic-Tac. 743 01:05:06,727 --> 01:05:11,084 You know what your breath smells like? Done ham. 744 01:05:12,927 --> 01:05:14,918 Dot Com. 745 01:05:18,847 --> 01:05:21,281 What the hell was that? 746 01:05:21,447 --> 01:05:23,677 -What? -What did you just do? 747 01:05:23,847 --> 01:05:27,476 -l didn`t do anything. -You picked your nose. 748 01:05:27,647 --> 01:05:33,119 Did you see that? - Oh my God. 749 01:05:33,287 --> 01:05:38,236 You fricking picked...your nose! 750 01:05:52,287 --> 01:05:56,121 -What? -You didn`t do a very good job! 751 01:06:05,647 --> 01:06:08,719 -There`s still something there. -Cut it out! 752 01:06:08,887 --> 01:06:11,959 -You gotta get it. lt`s wiggling. -Stop it! 753 01:06:12,127 --> 01:06:17,326 Oh wait! You`re a ventriloquist. Make it talk. 754 01:06:21,247 --> 01:06:26,605 That`d be funny as hell! Only give it a French accent. 755 01:06:26,767 --> 01:06:32,364 ``Bonjour! l would like to come out of your nose!`` 756 01:06:36,327 --> 01:06:38,557 Stop it. 757 01:06:53,927 --> 01:06:56,680 Holy crap, you`re quick. 758 01:06:56,847 --> 01:07:01,159 lt`s like you know. 759 01:07:18,247 --> 01:07:21,080 You do that now, you just go... 760 01:07:21,247 --> 01:07:26,640 -That`s always been yourthing. -You do it. Short one, long one. 761 01:07:26,807 --> 01:07:29,719 Do it! 762 01:07:35,967 --> 01:07:38,765 Do it. 763 01:07:42,567 --> 01:07:48,881 What the hell was that? You sound like some anemic French guy. 764 01:07:52,127 --> 01:07:54,721 German: jawohl ! 765 01:07:54,887 --> 01:07:58,197 Chinese: 766 01:07:58,367 --> 01:08:00,961 Gay guy: 767 01:08:07,647 --> 01:08:12,846 Oh, oh! Wait, wait. A guy driving a blue Prius: 768 01:08:21,487 --> 01:08:24,001 You know what would be funny as hell? 769 01:08:24,167 --> 01:08:30,322 When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show is sponsored by Toyota. 770 01:08:34,447 --> 01:08:37,883 And they have no idea. 771 01:08:38,046 --> 01:08:42,006 One night they`re watching this like, ``Hey!`` 772 01:08:42,167 --> 01:08:46,877 ``He making fun of our cars!`` 773 01:08:51,846 --> 01:08:55,044 ``He say our car is gay.`` 774 01:08:55,207 --> 01:08:58,323 ``lt not gay, he gay.`` 775 01:08:58,487 --> 01:09:01,001 ``Let`s get Godzilla to kill him.`` 776 01:09:12,527 --> 01:09:15,439 -lt`s a tiny little car, isn`t it? -lt`s small. 777 01:09:15,607 --> 01:09:21,238 l bet to get in and out, you gotta use a lot of lotion. 778 01:09:35,846 --> 01:09:40,398 -That`s not funny. -They are laughing like hell. 779 01:09:42,287 --> 01:09:45,085 -Does your wife drive that car? -The Prius? Oh, sure. 780 01:09:45,247 --> 01:09:48,000 -Good. How`s she doing? -My wife? She`s fine. 781 01:09:48,167 --> 01:09:50,805 -Oh, good. How`s the family? -They`re fine. 782 01:09:50,966 --> 01:09:55,358 -Oh, good! l was just wondering. -Thanks a lot. 783 01:09:55,527 --> 01:09:57,518 -Everything`s fine? -Everything`s fine. 784 01:09:57,687 --> 01:10:02,841 l just want to make sure. Because l`m your pal. 785 01:10:03,007 --> 01:10:06,716 -Thank you. -So l`m concerned. 786 01:10:06,887 --> 01:10:11,597 -About what? -l was just thinking the other day. 787 01:10:11,767 --> 01:10:17,637 We`re on the road a lot. You`re away from home a lot. 788 01:10:17,807 --> 01:10:22,039 And your wife`s at home alone. A lot. 789 01:10:22,207 --> 01:10:26,086 -Okay? -Yeah. 790 01:10:26,247 --> 01:10:30,035 -She`s not exactly bad-looking. -No. 791 01:10:30,207 --> 01:10:32,846 She`s hot. 792 01:10:34,287 --> 01:10:38,360 And her prime is now. 793 01:10:38,527 --> 01:10:43,555 Yours was 20 years ago. 794 01:10:48,967 --> 01:10:52,755 And she`s home. Alone. 795 01:10:52,927 --> 01:10:55,646 Are you sure? 796 01:10:55,807 --> 01:10:59,925 -Yeah. -How do you know? 797 01:11:00,087 --> 01:11:04,000 l trust her. 798 01:11:05,887 --> 01:11:08,765 What if she`s been with someone else? 799 01:11:08,927 --> 01:11:11,919 Like...me! 800 01:11:12,087 --> 01:11:15,966 Oh, come on. You go purple, you never go back! 801 01:11:21,247 --> 01:11:24,125 l really don`t think my wife has slept with you, Peanut. 802 01:11:24,287 --> 01:11:28,678 Well, think about this for a second. ln a twisted kind of way- 803 01:11:28,847 --> 01:11:33,557 -all five of us on stage have slept with your wife. 804 01:11:35,807 --> 01:11:38,765 When you`re wacky and having a great time, that`s me! 805 01:11:38,927 --> 01:11:41,236 When you`re pissed off, lying there thinking- 806 01:11:41,407 --> 01:11:46,356 -``why did l marry this broad?``, that`s Walter. 807 01:11:46,527 --> 01:11:51,123 When you`re so angry you want to kill her, that`s Achmed. 808 01:11:51,287 --> 01:11:54,484 So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick? 809 01:11:54,647 --> 01:11:58,162 You`re a sick man! 810 01:11:58,327 --> 01:12:02,206 And here he is, Jose Jalapeno on a Stick! 811 01:12:11,407 --> 01:12:16,197 -Good evening, Jose. -Hola, Senor Heff. 812 01:12:16,367 --> 01:12:20,155 -lt`s good to see you. -Gracias, Senor Heff. 813 01:12:20,327 --> 01:12:23,524 -Excuse me! Who the hell is `Heff`? -That`s Jeff. 814 01:12:23,687 --> 01:12:26,281 -No, he said `Heff`. -lt`s the same thing. 815 01:12:26,447 --> 01:12:28,802 No, it`s not. 816 01:12:28,967 --> 01:12:31,765 -Jose, what did you say? -l say Senor Heff. 817 01:12:31,927 --> 01:12:34,805 What the f...Now he said `Cheff`. 818 01:12:34,967 --> 01:12:39,643 -lt`s all the same. -Didn`t you watch Sesame Street? 819 01:12:39,807 --> 01:12:43,846 Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff and Cheff is Cheff. 820 01:12:44,007 --> 01:12:48,285 One of these things just doesnt belong here! 821 01:12:55,647 --> 01:13:00,277 Tonight`s show is sponsored by the sound chhhhhh. 822 01:13:00,447 --> 01:13:04,998 -l`m sorry, Jose. -ls okay. He`s an idiot. 823 01:13:05,167 --> 01:13:12,278 You`re on a stick. Stica ka. Jefa fa. 824 01:13:14,807 --> 01:13:18,595 l have a question for Josie. 825 01:13:26,247 --> 01:13:28,681 My name is Jose. 826 01:13:28,847 --> 01:13:35,036 Oh, l`m sorry, l thought we were in America, speaking fricking English. 827 01:13:35,207 --> 01:13:39,325 But l didn`t see the little...overthe `e`. 828 01:13:39,487 --> 01:13:43,878 Which magically changes Josie into fricking Jose. 829 01:13:44,047 --> 01:13:46,720 And l didn`t see the...over the `n`- 830 01:13:46,887 --> 01:13:50,960 -which changes jalapeno into jalapeno. 831 01:13:51,127 --> 01:13:53,322 So a...overthe `n` and a...over the `e`. 832 01:13:53,487 --> 01:13:59,437 Two keys l can never fricking find on a fricking keyboard. 833 01:14:02,887 --> 01:14:06,766 Apparently it`s a secret known only to the Mexicans. 834 01:14:06,927 --> 01:14:11,717 So, Jose, when you`re typing... Oh! l`m sorry. 835 01:14:17,407 --> 01:14:21,878 Talk about `hunt and peck`. 836 01:14:22,047 --> 01:14:27,644 -l`m sorry, Jose. -ls OK. l`ll hire Achmed to kill him. 837 01:14:27,807 --> 01:14:30,799 So, what`s your question? And be nice. 838 01:14:30,967 --> 01:14:35,643 -You`re a jalapeno. - Si, senor. On a stick. 839 01:14:35,807 --> 01:14:40,039 -You`re a Mexican jalapeno. -On a stick. 840 01:14:40,207 --> 01:14:43,643 Are you a legal Mexican jalapeno? 841 01:14:45,687 --> 01:14:49,441 -What? What did l say? -This is not the appropriate time. 842 01:14:49,607 --> 01:14:55,079 Too late! So, Jose, are you legal? Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...? 843 01:14:57,767 --> 01:15:00,486 -What? -l know the answer to the question. 844 01:15:00,647 --> 01:15:02,638 Jose? Are you legal to be in this country? 845 01:15:02,807 --> 01:15:05,958 Si, senor. l have my green card. 846 01:15:06,127 --> 01:15:11,440 -Where is your green card? -lt`s in my other stick. 847 01:15:14,767 --> 01:15:18,965 -Did you know he had another stick? -l had no idea. 848 01:15:19,127 --> 01:15:25,521 You know what that means? That means that one comes out! 849 01:15:37,967 --> 01:15:43,678 Oh my God! l thought it was just stuck up his ass. 850 01:15:43,847 --> 01:15:47,123 -What`s wrong? -He doesn`t have an ass. 851 01:15:47,287 --> 01:15:49,278 -lt`s just a jalapeno. -On a stick. 852 01:15:49,447 --> 01:15:51,722 l know! 853 01:15:51,887 --> 01:15:54,321 -How did he get on the stick? -l don`t know. 854 01:15:54,487 --> 01:15:57,638 Probably a horrible pogo accident. 855 01:15:57,807 --> 01:16:01,197 You know...doink doink. 856 01:16:03,367 --> 01:16:06,564 Ole! 857 01:16:12,647 --> 01:16:16,083 Jose, immigration is a big topic in the country right now. 858 01:16:16,247 --> 01:16:19,762 Would you mind if l ask a few questions? 859 01:16:19,927 --> 01:16:23,681 There are more National Guard on the border between USA and Mexico. 860 01:16:23,847 --> 01:16:25,838 -Does this concern you? -No, senor. 861 01:16:26,007 --> 01:16:30,683 -Why not? -He`s already here! 862 01:16:33,527 --> 01:16:37,076 You really are an idiot! 863 01:16:37,247 --> 01:16:41,479 Jose, are you here on a temporary visa, or on a work visa? 864 01:16:41,647 --> 01:16:45,356 He`s here on a stick. 865 01:16:48,007 --> 01:16:52,205 -Do you enjoy being in this country? -Sometimes l`m afraid for my life. 866 01:16:52,367 --> 01:16:55,962 -Why? -Taco Bell. 867 01:17:03,287 --> 01:17:06,359 -Jose, do you have a new girlfriend? - Si, senor. 868 01:17:06,527 --> 01:17:10,440 -What, a fricking pickle on a pencil? -Stop it! 869 01:17:13,687 --> 01:17:15,962 -Peanut, are you prejudiced? -No! 870 01:17:16,127 --> 01:17:21,326 A bunch of my best friends are on sticks. 871 01:17:21,487 --> 01:17:24,001 Peanut, l meant are you prejudiced towards Mexicans? 872 01:17:24,167 --> 01:17:28,479 No. My mother`s Mexican. 873 01:17:30,807 --> 01:17:34,083 Okay, l meant New Mexican. 874 01:17:34,247 --> 01:17:38,001 She`s like Jose, just...fresher. 875 01:17:38,167 --> 01:17:41,682 -Jose, you speak English very well. -Gracias, senor. 876 01:17:41,847 --> 01:17:45,283 What were some of the first phrases in English that you learned? 877 01:17:45,447 --> 01:17:49,122 ``Will you help me push my car?`` 878 01:18:01,527 --> 01:18:05,406 -``Does this lD look real?`` -Will you s... 879 01:18:05,567 --> 01:18:10,163 -``Where`s the nearest Home Depot?`` -Stop it! 880 01:18:10,327 --> 01:18:14,923 Actually, the last one was true. 881 01:18:15,087 --> 01:18:18,477 l`m sorry about this, Jose. l`m happy to have you in the act. 882 01:18:18,647 --> 01:18:20,763 - Gracias, senor. -Just make sure he`s legal. 883 01:18:20,927 --> 01:18:25,239 -He`s legal. Why are you concerned? -Are you not concerned? 884 01:18:25,407 --> 01:18:29,685 -Why should l be concerned? -He works for you! 885 01:18:29,847 --> 01:18:34,318 Some of those laws pass and he`s not legal, it`s your ass thrown in jail. 886 01:18:34,487 --> 01:18:37,718 And trust me, you would not do well in prison. 887 01:18:37,887 --> 01:18:42,085 -Why not? -``Come here, puppet boy!`` 888 01:18:49,447 --> 01:18:53,235 ``Make your daddy talk.`` 889 01:18:53,407 --> 01:18:57,525 That`s nice. So you`re pretty sure l`d soon become someone`s... 890 01:18:57,687 --> 01:18:59,882 -Bitch. -Right. 891 01:19:00,047 --> 01:19:02,197 On a stick. 892 01:19:02,367 --> 01:19:08,920 You guys have been an awesome audience. Thank you. Good night. 893 01:19:09,087 --> 01:19:13,683 Subtitle: D K Vaught PrimeText lnternational