0:00:00.807,0:00:05.323
All those kids and their hipping[br]and their hopping.

0:00:05.487,0:00:08.957
Pull up your damned pants,[br]you morons!

0:00:11.927,0:00:16.557
Second Comedy Central special,[br]it`s gonna be great!

0:00:16.727,0:00:20.686
No, Mommy.[br]l don`t want to wear the pink bow.

0:00:20.847,0:00:25.159
He even does this in his sleep.[br]What a freak!

0:00:25.327,0:00:28.444
Would you idiots give it a rest?

0:00:28.607,0:00:31.599
Would you like to see my stick?

0:00:31.767,0:00:37.319
JEFF DUNHAM[br]SPARK OF lNSANlTY

0:00:46.647,0:00:48.763
Thank you!

0:00:50.167,0:00:53.159
Thank you.

0:00:56.367,0:00:59.996
Are you doing alright?[br]Thank you.

0:01:01.087,0:01:03.726
Thank you so much.

0:01:11.367,0:01:16.077
Alright. Thank you.[br]Thank you so much.

0:01:17.247,0:01:23.197
You can`t fool me. l know it`s all[br]for the little guys in the suitcase.

0:01:29.007,0:01:32.443
Thank you for coming out tonight.[br]This is such a pleasure.

0:01:32.607,0:01:36.964
Before we start, l must say it is a[br]true honor to be in this theater-

0:01:37.127,0:01:41.484
-with you people, in the capital of[br]the greatest country in the world-

0:01:41.647,0:01:43.638
-the United States of America.

0:01:52.527,0:01:55.200
ln driving around[br]the city the last couple of days-

0:01:55.367,0:01:58.803
-l couldn`t help but realize that[br]here in D.C., like everywhere else-

0:01:58.967,0:02:02.198
-gas prices suck!

0:02:02.367,0:02:07.566
My wife and l live in L.A.,[br]and we were owners of 2 big SUVs.

0:02:07.727,0:02:11.002
We decided to do the economically[br]and ecologically right thing.

0:02:11.167,0:02:17.276
We got rid of one of the[br]big, giant SUVs and got a Prius.

0:02:17.447,0:02:20.200
l don`t know why you`re laughing,[br]it`s a great vehicle.

0:02:20.367,0:02:23.723
You jump on the freeway[br]and punch it, it goes:

0:02:28.047,0:02:30.845
When you can drive[br]underneath an 18-wheeler and go:

0:02:31.007,0:02:34.124
``That`s really dirty``,[br]and drive back out...

0:02:36.687,0:02:39.645
That is just too damned small.

0:02:39.807,0:02:44.005
lt`s cool at the gas pump. On one[br]tank you`ve driven 2 or 3000 miles.

0:02:44.167,0:02:48.604
You fill up and go:[br]``Oh, all done! l`ll be damned.``

0:02:48.767,0:02:51.361
``10 cents? That`s amazing!``

0:02:51.527,0:02:55.281
l`m not used to a vehicle like this.[br]l`ve had big trucks and SUVs.

0:02:55.447,0:02:58.564
The one vehicle l refuse to[br]get rid of, l`ve had it for 10 years.

0:02:58.727,0:03:01.480
l love this thing.[br]l`ve taken good care of it.

0:03:01.647,0:03:04.525
lt`s not politically correct[br]to drive it. l don`t care.

0:03:04.687,0:03:09.238
H-1 Hummer. The real one,[br]the big one, the military version.

0:03:12.487,0:03:16.196
l love this thing.[br]lt has a 38-gallon tank.

0:03:16.367,0:03:20.326
Gets 7 miles to the gallon.

0:03:20.487,0:03:24.719
Diesel, where l live,[br]at its peak was $3.84 per gallon.

0:03:24.887,0:03:27.640
Yeah. l went to fill it up that week,[br]it wasn`t even empty.

0:03:27.807,0:03:31.720
lt cost me[br]a hundred forty-eight dollars.

0:03:31.887,0:03:36.039
l pushed the vehicle home.

0:03:36.207,0:03:38.721
As l rolled it into[br]the driveway, l told my kids:

0:03:38.887,0:03:42.562
``Girls, look at[br]our new front yard ornament.``

0:03:42.727,0:03:45.764
``Get in the Prius.``

0:03:45.927,0:03:48.521
``You suck, Dad!``

0:03:50.047,0:03:54.199
l used to pick Priuses[br]out of the grill of my Hummer.

0:03:58.687,0:04:02.600
During the holidays last year, we[br]took the Hummer in for maintenance.

0:04:02.767,0:04:07.045
Then we were driving home and[br]my wife is behind me in the Hummer.

0:04:07.207,0:04:09.277
l`m in front driving the Prius.

0:04:09.447,0:04:12.803
l was tricked somehow.[br]l don`t know how that happened.

0:04:12.967,0:04:15.765
She calls me[br]on the cellphone, laughing.

0:04:15.927,0:04:18.885
Let me explain why.[br]Our Prius is not a black Prius.

0:04:19.047,0:04:22.722
lt`s not a red Prius, it`s a[br]blue Prius. But not really blue.

0:04:22.887,0:04:27.085
lt`s more of a ...blue... Prius.

0:04:29.767,0:04:32.361
lt`s pretty.

0:04:32.527,0:04:35.246
Sparkly!

0:04:35.407,0:04:39.559
l did that[br]a little too well, didn`t l?

0:04:50.527,0:04:57.319
While l`m driving, l`m holding in my[br]arm, my wife`s 3-pound Chihuahua.

0:04:59.607,0:05:03.964
You have to hold it while you drive[br]or it`ll fall down between the seats.

0:05:04.127,0:05:07.358
``Where the hell is this dog?[br]Oh, there you are!``

0:05:07.527,0:05:12.237
``Let me put down the parking brake,[br]that`ll hold you, you bastard.``

0:05:14.287,0:05:17.438
``l`ve got to shift... Oh!``

0:05:25.447,0:05:29.918
``That was your head? l`m sorry.[br]l thought it was the shifty thingy.``

0:05:30.087,0:05:33.966
``Same size. Leather, fur,[br]l don`t know the difference.``

0:05:34.127,0:05:37.199
``l thought l was grinding the gears.``

0:05:39.727,0:05:44.323
Thanks for laughing at that. That`s[br]the stupidest joke l tell all night.

0:05:44.487,0:05:47.320
That morning,[br]l don`t know why l didn`t see it-

0:05:47.487,0:05:51.605
-my children had taken[br]vinyl window holiday decorations-

0:05:51.767,0:05:54.884
-and put them all over[br]the back window of the Prius.

0:05:55.047,0:06:00.075
Christmas trees, Santa Claus.[br]Snowflakes. lt was so pretty.

0:06:00.247,0:06:02.807
My wife calls me,[br]laughing hysterically.

0:06:02.967,0:06:07.006
``What`s so funny?``[br]``Can you see yourself?``

0:06:07.167,0:06:11.957
``You`re driving a powder blue Prius,[br]holding a 3-pound Chihuahua.``

0:06:12.127,0:06:15.915
``There`s pretty Christmas decorations[br]all over your car.``

0:06:16.087,0:06:20.478
``And you make a living with dolls.[br]You`re gay!`` - Click.

0:06:31.567,0:06:35.276
And l`m like, ``Bitch!`` - click.

0:06:38.687,0:06:42.726
A Chihuahua. That`s[br]my wife`s idea of a family pet.

0:06:42.887,0:06:46.516
The dog l picked out is Bill, our[br]Golden Retriever. He`s 80 pounds.

0:06:46.687,0:06:50.646
Now that is a dog,[br]ladies and gentlemen.

0:06:53.007,0:06:56.522
l named him Bill because l got him[br]when Clinton was in office-

0:06:56.687,0:07:00.043
-and as a puppy,[br]he was humping everything.

0:07:06.047,0:07:08.117
When it comes to dogs-

0:07:08.287,0:07:11.040
-l have criteria[br]for what is and is not a dog.

0:07:11.207,0:07:18.158
Here is what is not a dog:[br]anything that bounces when it barks.

0:07:19.367,0:07:24.361
Not a dog: anything l can easily[br]drop-kick over my back fence.

0:07:24.527,0:07:30.318
Not a dog: anything that is regularly[br]terrified by a running leaf.

0:07:30.487,0:07:34.878
That`s not a dog, that`s a yapping[br]Beanie Baby, that`s what that is.

0:07:35.047,0:07:39.563
lt`s the Richard Simmons[br]of canines, that`s all l`m saying.

0:07:56.447,0:08:00.076
``Honey, what was that?``[br]``l don`t know!``,

0:08:00.247,0:08:03.364
Bill`s sitting next to me:[br]``l don`t know either!``

0:08:03.527,0:08:06.564
``You`re a genius, do it again!``

0:08:06.727,0:08:09.195
Size does matter[br]in the canine brain.

0:08:09.367,0:08:12.165
Bill, Golden Retriever,[br]very smart animal.

0:08:12.327,0:08:16.400
lf he pooped on the living room[br]carpet, l stuck his nose in it.

0:08:16.567,0:08:20.719
Three times later, he figured out:[br]``l`m not supposed to crap here.``

0:08:20.887,0:08:25.039
Next two dogs, same thing. Now the[br]brain-dead Chihuahua comes along.

0:08:25.207,0:08:27.516
She poops on the carpet,[br]l stick her nose in it-

0:08:27.687,0:08:33.842
-three times later she thinks,[br]``l`m not supposed to crap, ever.``

0:08:38.447,0:08:43.043
And that`s why they shake.

0:08:53.127,0:08:55.960
Another way Chihuahuas[br]prove their lack of intelligence:

0:08:56.127,0:09:00.166
Most dogs know when you find a stick[br]in the yard and you run with it-

0:09:00.327,0:09:03.524
-you put the stick[br]in your mouth sideways.

0:09:05.967,0:09:10.677
l am not kidding. This little idiot[br]dog found a stick as long as she was-

0:09:10.847,0:09:14.522
-and she stuck it[br]in her mouth straight out the front.

0:09:14.687,0:09:17.645
This is all true.[br]We`re on the couch watching TV.

0:09:17.807,0:09:21.766
She runs through the house, as[br]fast as she can, stick straight out.

0:09:21.927,0:09:28.036
As she runs across the carpet[br]she decides to quickly look down.

0:09:28.207,0:09:31.279
Oh yeah. Stick in the carpet,[br]crammed down her throat.

0:09:31.447,0:09:35.281
With momentum, she[br]actually pole-vaulted over the stick.

0:09:46.007,0:09:48.999
Of course my wife[br]and my girls are all...

0:09:49.167,0:09:53.319
l couldn`t breathe,[br]l was laughing so hard.

0:09:53.487,0:09:56.923
l thought, ``Damn, if she`d[br]been going a little faster-``

0:09:57.087,0:10:01.638
``-l`d have a new puppet.[br]A Chihuahua on a stick!``

0:10:11.647,0:10:14.844
My wife started going nuts[br]with the Chihuahua thing.

0:10:15.007,0:10:16.998
She named her Chihuahua Darby.

0:10:17.167,0:10:21.445
After a year and a half my wife[br]decided it was time to breed the dog.

0:10:21.607,0:10:27.364
My wife got on the internet and[br]found the 3-pound...stud...Chihuahua.

0:10:27.527,0:10:31.236
l don`t know how you call[br]anything that`s 3 pounds `a stud`.

0:10:31.407,0:10:35.082
We picked up little Jake.[br]The owner wanted to get rid of him.

0:10:35.247,0:10:38.717
So Jake came to live at our house.[br]He was full grown, ready to go.

0:10:38.887,0:10:40.843
Then Darby came in heat.

0:10:41.007,0:10:44.966
Not long afterthat we had[br]three tiny little Chihuahua puppies.

0:10:45.127,0:10:49.279
The two larger ones my wife[br]gave away. The runt of the litter...

0:10:49.447,0:10:53.759
The runt from two[br]3-pound dogs we decided to keep.

0:10:53.927,0:10:58.159
Rusty is now full-grown,[br]at a whopping 1.8 pounds.

0:10:59.887,0:11:03.482
The cool part is he[br]and 80-pound Bill are best friends.

0:11:03.647,0:11:05.763
l don`t know how[br]you can be best friends-

0:11:05.927,0:11:10.478
-with someone[br]who is the same size as your poop.

0:11:16.887,0:11:19.606
My kids question[br]whether l`m funny or not.

0:11:19.767,0:11:25.524
l pointed that out in the backyard[br]to them. l`m a comedy genius now!

0:11:26.767,0:11:31.124
The cool part is little Rusty picked[br]me over everyone else to bond with.

0:11:31.287,0:11:33.437
He likes me best,[br]we don`t know why. l kinda like it.

0:11:33.607,0:11:35.802
l come home, he runs[br]to the front door, l pick him up-

0:11:35.967,0:11:41.644
-take him to my office. l have a[br]stuffed car, he sits in that car.

0:11:41.807,0:11:45.561
lf he sits just right, it looks[br]like he`s driving around my desk.

0:11:45.727,0:11:50.403
People walk in my office,[br]``lt`s a rat! Oh, it`s your dog.``

0:11:53.087,0:11:57.365
The bond between Rusty and me[br]has gone beyond just companionship.

0:11:57.527,0:11:59.757
There`s an emotional bond.

0:11:59.927,0:12:03.397
This has happened 5 times.[br]lt can`t be coincidence.

0:12:03.567,0:12:06.923
The three Chihuahuas sleep[br]in the bed with my wife and me.

0:12:07.087,0:12:10.363
My wife and l will get into[br]an argument, go to bed angry.

0:12:10.527,0:12:14.520
You`re not supposed to do that,[br]but we`re tired.

0:12:14.687,0:12:17.838
Rusty hears the argument, knows[br]we`re not happy with each other.

0:12:18.007,0:12:21.044
But he takes my side.[br]At 3 or 4 in the morning-

0:12:21.207,0:12:25.405
-he will wake up,[br]and pee on my wife.

0:12:35.127,0:12:37.561
l am not kidding.

0:12:37.727,0:12:41.242
lt`s the greatest thing ever!

0:12:41.407,0:12:43.637
l have the satisfaction of knowing-

0:12:43.807,0:12:48.403
-if l go to bed angry with my wife,[br]it`s gonna be taken care of.

0:12:50.007,0:12:52.475
This is all absolutely true.

0:12:52.647,0:12:56.959
l had to get up early for an[br]East Coast flight, about 3:30.

0:12:57.127,0:13:00.164
My wife and l had argued,[br]l wake up still mad at her.

0:13:00.327,0:13:03.205
4 am, l`m ready to walk out the door,[br]but l still love her.

0:13:03.367,0:13:06.325
l go to kiss her.[br]l walk over and put my hand on her...

0:13:06.487,0:13:10.196
``Rusty, my man!``

0:13:11.567,0:13:15.196
lt`s still warm,[br]she hasn`t woken up yet.

0:13:15.367,0:13:20.680
l lean over, ``l love you honey, see[br]you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!``

0:13:20.847,0:13:24.283
Rusty`s at the end of the bed[br]just wagging his tail.

0:13:24.447,0:13:29.567
l`m at the front door, ``l hope[br]he doesn`t teach Bill to do that.``

0:13:33.287,0:13:36.518
We have three daughters.[br]They are 9, 11 and 15 years old.

0:13:36.687,0:13:40.805
They`ve had normal childhoods.[br]Most things have been great.

0:13:40.967,0:13:44.642
Some things have been different[br]because of the ventriloquism.

0:13:44.807,0:13:48.561
For example,[br]their Barbie dolls actually speak.

0:13:48.727,0:13:51.321
Not when Mommy`s around.

0:13:55.487,0:14:00.197
``Ken, you smell[br]like beer and cigarettes.``

0:14:01.207,0:14:05.325
l`m a lot of fun[br]at Toys `R` Us around Christmastime.

0:14:05.487,0:14:11.517
Boys run to their parents, ``Mommy,[br]know what that Gl Joe said to me?``

0:14:14.287,0:14:17.882
They will never catch me.

0:14:18.047,0:14:20.561
We try to take[br]family walks as often as possible.

0:14:20.727,0:14:23.287
On these walks,[br]we let one kid pick out one dog.

0:14:23.447,0:14:26.883
One evening we let Kenna,[br]the 9-year-old, choose.

0:14:27.047,0:14:32.405
Kenna seems to have[br]a real twisted sense of humor.

0:14:32.567,0:14:36.276
We don`t know[br]where that came from.

0:14:36.447,0:14:41.362
We have a leash. One of[br]those big self-retracting leashes.

0:14:41.527,0:14:44.280
You push the button[br]and it quickly retracts.

0:14:44.447,0:14:48.235
Don`t beat me to the funny part.

0:14:48.407,0:14:51.638
l walk out the front door and[br]think l`ll be the first one there.

0:14:51.807,0:14:55.356
Kenna is out front and has[br]Darby hooked up to that leash.

0:14:55.527,0:14:59.042
She`s 2 feet away. Kenna keeps[br]pushing the button and letting it up.

0:14:59.207,0:15:02.882
Darby is going...[br]l ask Kenna, ``What are you doing?``

0:15:03.047,0:15:07.199
``l`m trying to[br]make her heel automatically.``

0:15:07.367,0:15:11.679
l say, ``Kenna![br]lt doesn`t work. l already tried it.``

0:15:11.847,0:15:13.997
``High five.``

0:15:14.167,0:15:17.079
We`re out for a walk and[br]Kenna has the dog at full extension.

0:15:17.247,0:15:21.160
30 or 40 feet on the leash and she[br]hasn`t given up on what she`s trying.

0:15:21.327,0:15:24.125
As we`re walking she`s[br]pushing the button and letting it up.

0:15:24.287,0:15:26.642
Looking at the dog,[br]looking at the leash-

0:15:26.807,0:15:28.843
-the wheels in her head turning...

0:15:29.007,0:15:32.079
``What is this twisted[br]little child going to do?``

0:15:32.247,0:15:36.126
As we`re walking, she pushed[br]the button. Quickly and on purpose-

0:15:36.287,0:15:38.881
-dropped the leash.

0:15:41.807,0:15:44.799
Do you see the brilliance here?

0:15:44.967,0:15:49.836
The leash then began[br]to chase the Chihuahua.

0:16:00.767,0:16:04.396
A big hunk of black plastic[br]skimmed across the pavement.

0:16:04.567,0:16:07.639
The Chihuahua stopped.[br]She heard a new noise.

0:16:07.807,0:16:11.356
She looked behind her.[br]Here comes the leash.

0:16:11.527,0:16:13.916
At this point, the Chihuahua[br]is smart enough to know-

0:16:14.087,0:16:17.523
-that now would be[br]a good time to panic.

0:16:17.687,0:16:21.760
She took off like a bullet down the[br]street running as fast as she could.

0:16:21.927,0:16:25.966
But the leash[br]was slightly faster.

0:16:26.127,0:16:30.439
l`m standing there,[br]``Where`s the video camera?``

0:16:30.607,0:16:33.997
``We can win 10,000 bucks![br]`Watch what happens!```

0:16:34.167,0:16:37.523
And sure enough...

0:16:37.687,0:16:41.282
Of course my wife[br]and my two oldest girls...

0:16:41.447,0:16:45.884
Kenna and l[br]are rolling in the lawn.

0:16:54.727,0:16:57.764
l`m high-fiving her,[br]telling her she`s a genius.

0:16:57.927,0:17:00.316
Mommy turns around,[br]sees us laughing.

0:17:00.487,0:17:04.116
``Crap! Don`t look her in the eye.[br]Look down. Back away slowly.``

0:17:04.287,0:17:07.996
``Rusty will piss on her later.``

0:17:14.887,0:17:17.320
Ladies and gentlemen,[br]you`re an awesome audience.

0:17:18.406,0:17:23.083
How about we get to the people[br]you came to see tonight?

0:17:29.087,0:17:33.046
The first guy, l think audiences[br]enjoy because everyone-

0:17:33.207,0:17:36.961
-knows someone like this. ln your[br]own family or where you work.

0:17:37.127,0:17:40.119
Please help me[br]welcome my old friend, Walter.

0:18:02.327,0:18:05.000
Get a life.

0:18:08.767,0:18:12.521
-How you doing, Walter?[br]-What happened to your hair?

0:18:12.687,0:18:15.565
Looks like[br]you were in a fricking car wreck.

0:18:15.727,0:18:20.926
-They said it makes me look hip.[br]-l think it makes you look homeless.

0:18:21.087,0:18:26.445
Been in D.C. fortwo days and you`re[br]already fricking homeless. Holy cow.

0:18:27.607,0:18:29.837
-Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.?[br]-Oh yeah.

0:18:30.007,0:18:35.525
There`s nothing quite like being[br]mugged in our nation`s capital.

0:18:35.687,0:18:39.362
There`s a lot of excitement[br]that goes on in Washington, D.C.

0:18:39.527,0:18:45.204
Yeah, what happens in D.C.[br]stays on YouTube.

0:18:52.607,0:18:54.882
So you don`t like being in D.C.?

0:18:55.047,0:18:57.880
No, l like it. l get screwed[br]on my taxes every year.

0:18:58.047,0:19:03.121
So it`s fun to come visit the source.

0:19:04.807,0:19:08.720
-What did you do for fun today?[br]-Stood in front of the lRS building.

0:19:08.887,0:19:11.720
l just flipped them off.

0:19:18.687,0:19:21.076
-Did you go to the White House?[br]-Oh yeah.

0:19:21.247,0:19:24.603
That`s where the most[br]powerful man in the free world lives.

0:19:24.767,0:19:27.964
Oprah?

0:19:34.447,0:19:38.679
-What`s wrong with you tonight?[br]-l don`t know. l`m just pissed.

0:19:38.847,0:19:41.441
-l don`t want to go home.[br]-Why not?

0:19:41.607,0:19:44.440
l think my house is haunted.

0:19:44.607,0:19:48.919
-Why do you think that?[br]-My wife is there.

0:19:53.727,0:19:59.120
l walk in the front door[br]and all l hear is, ``Get out!``

0:20:02.247,0:20:04.807
You got in another argument[br]on the phone today, didn`t you?

0:20:04.967,0:20:07.356
-You heard that, did you?[br]-Oh yeah.

0:20:07.527,0:20:12.396
Hung up on her. She called right[br]back, ``Did you hang up on me?``

0:20:12.567,0:20:16.958
l said, ``l don`t know, did it sound[br]something like this?`` - Click.

0:20:22.847,0:20:28.843
-Did that make her angry?[br]-l felt a disturbance in The Force.

0:20:29.007,0:20:31.680
You ever made her that mad when[br]you`re standing in front of her?

0:20:31.847,0:20:36.238
Yeah. My mothertold me if you`re in[br]a jam and don`t know what to do-

0:20:36.407,0:20:40.036
-you should think,[br]``What would Jesus do?``

0:20:40.207,0:20:43.722
So l tried to turn her into a fish.

0:20:46.207,0:20:51.839
l stood there going,[br]``Begone, Satan!``

0:20:52.007,0:20:55.886
``Hello, Shamu!``

0:20:57.927,0:21:02.955
Well, at least Shamu[br]has only one blowhole.

0:21:10.287,0:21:14.519
Aw, screw you.[br]That was funny.

0:21:19.047,0:21:22.278
Look, it`s the ClA.

0:21:29.367,0:21:32.564
l see you.

0:21:36.847,0:21:40.237
We can all see you.

0:21:44.687,0:21:49.636
You know, the show[br]looks a lot better from the front.

0:21:49.807,0:21:53.163
ls the director drunk?[br]What the hell?

0:22:06.207,0:22:09.085
What? Holy crap!

0:22:17.487,0:22:20.479
Wait, come back.[br]Let me see in there.

0:22:20.647,0:22:25.721
This is Comedy Central.[br]l can see Cartman.

0:22:25.887,0:22:30.756
l can see Kenny.[br]Oh, he just got killed.

0:22:41.247,0:22:43.363
You`ve been married a long time.

0:22:43.527,0:22:47.076
Ups and downs in any marriage.[br]Ever been to marriage counseling?

0:22:47.247,0:22:49.920
-Yes.[br]-What did that do for you?

0:22:50.087,0:22:55.480
Look at me. l`m happy!

0:22:55.647,0:22:58.639
Come on. What were[br]the results of the counseling?

0:22:58.807,0:23:03.961
At the end of it all, there were[br]two folks who thought l was an ass.

0:23:04.127,0:23:08.564
And l`m paying both of them.

0:23:08.727,0:23:12.276
-But you are happy to be here?[br]-Oh sure. Betterthan last week.

0:23:12.447,0:23:15.564
Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida.[br]You didn`t like that?

0:23:15.727,0:23:22.724
No. Everyone in Fort Lauderdale,[br]Florida looks exactly like me.

0:23:30.847,0:23:34.806
l swear, it`s like[br]one giant nursing home.

0:23:34.967,0:23:38.357
Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape[br]those ``Girls Gone Wild`` videos.

0:23:38.527,0:23:43.282
That`s during Spring Break. The rest[br]of the time it`s ``Girls Gone Saggy``.

0:23:45.567,0:23:48.525
Or it`s ``Girls Gone Senile``.

0:23:48.687,0:23:51.804
And then it`s just ``Girls Gone``.

0:23:54.287,0:23:56.881
-You didn`t like the weather either.[br]-Oh my God.

0:23:57.047,0:24:01.723
Even in the middle of winter,[br]it`s humid as hell and hot as hell.

0:24:01.887,0:24:04.196
We got there,[br]l took a shower on Monday.

0:24:04.367,0:24:07.916
Friday, still not dry.

0:24:08.087,0:24:12.046
l swear, l have moss on my ass.

0:24:17.567,0:24:19.956
You said[br]the weather changes too quickly.

0:24:20.127,0:24:24.405
l know it changes fast everywhere,[br]but in Florida, it`s ridiculous.

0:24:24.567,0:24:27.684
-What are you talking about?[br]-l was standing on the beach.

0:24:27.847,0:24:30.645
ln the sunshine,[br]having a little iced tea.

0:24:30.807,0:24:33.924
l looked over and go,[br]``Ooh, look, a little cloud.``

0:24:34.087,0:24:37.716
About three minutes later...

0:24:37.887,0:24:41.323
``Holy crap!``

0:24:41.487,0:24:43.682
The locals are[br]hanging on to the palm trees.

0:24:43.847,0:24:47.123
``We love it here!``

0:24:47.287,0:24:49.847
You dumbasses!

0:24:50.007,0:24:54.762
l say, leave it to the Cubans[br]and get the hell out!

0:25:03.367,0:25:05.642
Alright, so you want[br]someplace a little cooler.

0:25:05.807,0:25:08.241
Remember,[br]we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

0:25:08.407,0:25:14.880
Yeah, in February! lt was negative[br]20 with a negative 30 wind chill.

0:25:15.047,0:25:20.405
l`d get on stage every night and say,[br]``You people are idiots``.

0:25:20.567,0:25:25.561
``Did you know[br]the borders are open?``

0:25:25.727,0:25:29.003
``Pack up your Suburban[br]and get the hell out!``

0:25:29.167,0:25:32.045
Another thing. Green Bay Packers[br]stadium, what`s it called?

0:25:32.207,0:25:38.123
-Lambo Field.[br]-Lambo Field. No roof. Hello!

0:25:38.287,0:25:42.280
How many football season weekends[br]have good weather in Green Bay?

0:25:42.447,0:25:45.519
That would be...none.

0:25:45.687,0:25:50.807
Note to self: build a fricking roof.

0:25:50.967,0:25:55.836
We have the technology.

0:25:56.007,0:26:00.876
Yeah, you talk to the locals[br]in Green Bay, what do they say?

0:26:01.047,0:26:05.006
``We love it here.``

0:26:05.167,0:26:08.443
``We`re a hardy people.``

0:26:08.607,0:26:12.282
A bunch of frozen dumbasses,[br]is what you are.

0:26:12.447,0:26:16.725
Walter, you don`t like humidity,[br]you don`t like extreme cold.

0:26:16.887,0:26:18.878
You want someplace[br]warmer and drier.

0:26:19.047,0:26:24.679
-Well in August, we were in Phoenix.[br]-August in Phoenix, Arizona.

0:26:24.847,0:26:28.999
Your agent is a moron.

0:26:31.367,0:26:34.723
lt was 112 forthree days in a row.

0:26:34.887,0:26:39.517
What do all the locals say?[br]``But it`s a dry heat.``

0:26:39.687,0:26:43.282
Screw you.

0:26:48.887,0:26:52.243
A bonfire`s a dry heat.

0:26:52.407,0:26:55.922
You don`t see me sticking[br]my ass in one of those, do you?

0:26:56.087,0:27:00.444
``Your ass is on fire.``[br]``lt`s a dry heat!``

0:27:02.207,0:27:06.803
``l was in Florida,[br]l gotta burn off the fricking moss!``

0:27:10.727,0:27:14.436
-Did you enjoy New York City?[br]-Oh, l love New York City.

0:27:14.607,0:27:18.885
lt was great. Do shows in Manhattan,[br]about midnight get back to the hotel.

0:27:19.047,0:27:21.686
At 1 a.m.,[br]l`d lay my head on the pillow-

0:27:21.847,0:27:26.716
-and listen[br]to the sounds of the city.

0:27:32.287,0:27:34.755
Oh my God.

0:27:34.927,0:27:38.602
-The city that never sleeps.[br]-Well, it needs a fricking nap.

0:27:38.767,0:27:43.477
You`ve eliminated every corner of the[br]country. What about where we live?

0:27:43.647,0:27:46.525
People love[br]the weather in Southern California.

0:27:46.687,0:27:50.316
At least with Florida and hurricanes,[br]you get a little notice.

0:27:50.487,0:27:54.321
You turn on the news: ``You have[br]three days to get the hell out!``

0:27:54.487,0:27:56.796
-So?[br]-ln L.A., we`ve got earthquakes.

0:27:56.967,0:27:59.401
We don`t know jack.

0:27:59.567,0:28:03.799
One morning, you could be sitting[br]on the toilet and all of a sudden...

0:28:06.367,0:28:09.962
There`s crap flying around the house.

0:28:10.127,0:28:14.006
``We love it here!``

0:28:27.007,0:28:29.760
You`re a dumbass, too.

0:28:29.927,0:28:32.805
-Remember that last big earthquake?[br]-Sure.

0:28:32.967,0:28:35.527
-Bad timing on that earthquake.[br]-How`s that?

0:28:35.687,0:28:42.001
Not two seconds before it hit,[br]l told my grandson to pull my finger.

0:28:46.847,0:28:51.318
He pulled it, l farted and[br]half the neighborhood fell down.

0:28:56.847,0:29:01.796
That kid hasn`t come near me since.

0:29:01.967,0:29:06.119
The other day l cracked my knuckles[br]and he dove underthe couch.

0:29:25.887,0:29:30.915
-What was that?[br]-We`re in D.C. That was a veto.

0:29:39.047,0:29:43.245
Walter, l`m listening to you and l[br]get the feeling we travel too much.

0:29:43.407,0:29:45.398
Oh, you think?

0:29:45.567,0:29:49.924
-Why don`t you like airplanes?[br]-l`m your carryon, for God`s sakes.

0:29:50.087,0:29:54.399
l go in the x-ray machine.[br]l could have cancer tonight!

0:29:54.567,0:29:58.401
-Tell them what happened at O`Hare.[br]-We`re going through the airport.

0:29:58.567,0:30:01.923
l come out the other side of the[br]x-ray and hearthe guy say to Jeff:

0:30:02.087,0:30:04.442
``Sir! l`ve got[br]to look inside your suitcase.``

0:30:04.607,0:30:07.440
l`m lying there thinking,[br]``Aw crap, here we go.``

0:30:07.607,0:30:10.565
Jeff`s standing there, the guy[br]opens the case, l pop up and go:

0:30:10.727,0:30:14.356
``Hey! Shut the damned door!``

0:30:20.327,0:30:25.003
Scared the crap out of the guy. Then[br]l thought about it a second and said:

0:30:25.167,0:30:28.876
``l do not want to go to Los Angeles.``

0:30:36.807,0:30:40.720
-And what happened?[br]-We were detained.

0:30:40.887,0:30:45.722
Them bastards[br]have no sense of humor.

0:30:45.887,0:30:48.003
They have to be[br]tight on security these days.

0:30:48.167,0:30:50.920
l know. The terrorist threats[br]and all that crap.

0:30:51.087,0:30:53.920
There`s one group of folks[br]l don`t understand at all.

0:30:54.087,0:31:00.401
Damned suicide bombers.[br]Good God, what the hell is this?

0:31:05.807,0:31:09.720
Well, way to go, habib.

0:31:09.887,0:31:13.516
Bet you can`t fricking do it again.

0:31:26.287,0:31:28.755
Dumbass.

0:31:28.927,0:31:31.839
Walter, those guys believe[br]that if they martyrthemselves-

0:31:32.007,0:31:35.204
-there will be 72 virgins[br]waiting forthem in Paradise.

0:31:35.367,0:31:38.803
Well, April Fool, dumbass!

0:31:43.047,0:31:48.599
lf there are virgins waiting for you,[br]it`ll be 72 guys just like you!

0:31:50.887,0:31:54.960
``Oh no, this is not[br]what Osama said it would be``.

0:32:03.687,0:32:09.842
72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads[br]who know what they`re doing?

0:32:29.287,0:32:33.246
He had a longer fuse.

0:32:34.847,0:32:39.284
l wonder if they pull that joke on[br]each other every once in a while.

0:32:39.447,0:32:43.486
What joke?

0:32:46.407,0:32:48.921
What the...

0:33:00.807,0:33:03.958
``Did you see Jamil`s face?``

0:33:04.127,0:33:07.244
``lt`s gone now,[br]but did you see his face?``

0:33:11.807,0:33:16.597
72 virgins.[br]Sounds like a punishment to me.

0:33:16.767,0:33:22.125
l gotta teach 72 women[br]how to have sex? Oh my God!

0:33:22.287,0:33:26.075
l hope there`s no Viagra in heaven.

0:33:26.247,0:33:31.241
lmpotence is God`s way of helping[br]a man like me to `just say no`.

0:33:37.127,0:33:42.042
lf l take Viagra, it`s just to help[br]me keep from rolling out of bed.

0:33:52.807,0:33:56.004
-Did you get that one?[br]-She got it!

0:33:57.007,0:34:00.477
-lt`s a kickstand joke.[br]-Will you stop?

0:34:06.327,0:34:09.399
What`re you shaking your head at?[br]You got a good love life?

0:34:09.567,0:34:12.525
-Sure. Yeah.[br]-Good sex life? With your wife?

0:34:15.127,0:34:17.561
-Yes.[br]-Good for her, too?

0:34:17.726,0:34:20.560
-Yeah.[br]-How do you know?

0:34:23.087,0:34:27.603
-What?[br]-How do you know?

0:34:29.327,0:34:32.159
We`re waiting!

0:34:32.327,0:34:36.114
Well, sometimes she calls me...

0:34:36.286,0:34:38.562
...``The Hurricane``.

0:34:38.726,0:34:43.039
-The what?[br]-``The Hurricane``.

0:34:43.206,0:34:48.839
Yeah, l get it. Exciting at first,[br]then it ends in disaster.

0:34:56.047,0:34:58.959
You know,[br]maybe she should call you ``FEMA``.

0:35:01.407,0:35:03.477
Now what does that mean?

0:35:03.647,0:35:08.357
Slow to respond and[br]not a lot of satisfying results.

0:35:11.687,0:35:14.155
You should know.[br]How long have you been married?

0:35:14.327,0:35:16.682
-47 years.[br]-That`s amazing.

0:35:16.847,0:35:20.237
l know it.[br]That old bitch will never die.

0:35:21.687,0:35:24.281
-How long you been married?[br]-17 years.

0:35:24.447,0:35:26.677
That`s pretty good.[br]How do you do it?

0:35:26.847,0:35:30.237
l learned a long time[br]ago that every couple argues.

0:35:30.407,0:35:33.956
l learned that when we`re[br]in the middle of a big argument-

0:35:34.127,0:35:36.846
-l just think of[br]something completely different.

0:35:37.007,0:35:40.238
That takes my mind off it,[br]and l don`t stay angry as long.

0:35:40.407,0:35:43.319
So you think of something[br]completely different? Like what?

0:35:43.487,0:35:49.164
Oh l don`t know. Like if you choke[br]a Smurf, what color does it turn?

0:36:01.367,0:36:03.517
-Choke a Smurf?[br]-Right.

0:36:03.687,0:36:08.681
ls that what they`re calling it now?

0:36:16.207,0:36:19.677
What the hell[br]happened to the chicken?

0:36:32.167,0:36:35.239
Let me get back to marriage.[br]You`ve been married a long time.

0:36:35.407,0:36:38.717
-Do you still really love your wife?[br]-Of course l love her.

0:36:38.887,0:36:41.959
-Told her lately that you love her?[br]-Naw.

0:36:42.127,0:36:44.197
-Why not?[br]-She knows it.

0:36:44.367,0:36:48.042
-How does she know it?[br]-l smile a lot.

0:36:51.127,0:36:53.595
-Have you ever cheated on her?[br]-No!

0:36:53.767,0:36:56.281
Dammit.

0:36:56.447,0:37:01.362
-Marriage is supposed to be forever.[br]-And this one`s taking too damn long.

0:37:01.527,0:37:05.964
-Marriage is an institution.[br]-So is Alcatraz.

0:37:06.127,0:37:08.641
You can`t compare[br]marriage to prison.

0:37:08.807,0:37:13.597
l guess you`re right. The warden[br]doesn`t max out your credit cards.

0:37:13.767,0:37:18.363
The other day she got me some[br]of that spray-on hair crap in a can.

0:37:18.527,0:37:23.043
-Did you use it?[br]-Yeah. On your Chihuahua.

0:37:26.487,0:37:29.957
Turned it into a Shi-Tzu.

0:37:30.127,0:37:34.006
Your birthday wasn`t too long ago.[br]Did your wife get you anything?

0:37:34.167,0:37:37.796
-She got me a book on reincarnation.[br]-Do you believe in reincarnation?

0:37:37.967,0:37:40.640
-Hell, l don`t know.[br]-Who would you come back as?

0:37:40.807,0:37:44.959
l`d come back as my wife[br]and leave me the hell alone.

0:37:49.007,0:37:52.204
-You pick on her all the time.[br]-Yeah, l know.

0:37:52.367,0:37:56.645
Maybe one day, l`ll be reincarnated[br]and come back as a sensitive guy.

0:37:56.807,0:38:01.244
Driving a blue fricking Prius.

0:38:09.727,0:38:14.437
-That is the saddest little vehicle.[br]-lt`s a great car!

0:38:14.607,0:38:16.518
You ever heard it[br]when you`re driving by?

0:38:16.687,0:38:20.157
lt goes, ``liiiiii`m gay.``

0:38:25.127,0:38:28.358
``liiiiii`m gay.``

0:38:31.127,0:38:34.802
When it idles it goes[br]``homohomohomohomo...``

0:38:40.967,0:38:44.004
-ls that a new watch?[br]-No, l`ve had it a long time.

0:38:44.167,0:38:49.764
A long time ago you had a rubber,[br]plastic ugly funny name thing.

0:38:49.927,0:38:53.283
That was years ago[br]when l was in college.

0:38:53.447,0:38:57.360
They were popular and might[br]be coming back. lt`s called a Swatch.

0:38:57.527,0:38:59.677
What in the hell is a Swatch?

0:38:59.847,0:39:04.284
A company in Switzerland invented[br]that watch, so they called it Swatch.

0:39:04.447,0:39:07.325
Good thing they weren`t in Croatia.

0:39:16.687,0:39:21.158
``What time is it?``, ``l don`t[br]know, let me look at my Crotch.``

0:39:25.487,0:39:29.366
``Sorry l`m late,[br]but my Crotch is a little slow.``

0:39:29.527,0:39:33.918
-lt`s like the Timex, it takes a ...[br]-Walter!

0:39:34.087,0:39:37.159
That`s Walter, there we go!

0:39:50.727,0:39:52.718
Thank you.

0:39:52.887,0:39:57.358
As we all know, there`s a big[br]mess in the Middle East right now.

0:39:57.527,0:39:59.643
When it comes to the terrorists-

0:39:59.807,0:40:03.436
-most of us don`t understand[br]their extremist views and beliefs.

0:40:03.607,0:40:07.964
l was thinking, how would it be[br]to sit and talk to one of those guys?

0:40:14.767,0:40:18.442
We have that opportunity tonight.[br]Please help me welcome-

0:40:18.607,0:40:21.280
-Achmed, the Dead Terrorist.

0:40:44.407,0:40:48.082
-Good evening, Achmed.[br]-Good evening.

0:40:48.247,0:40:51.717
lnfidel.

0:40:51.887,0:40:56.199
-So you`re a terrorist.[br]-Yes. l am a terrorist.

0:40:56.367,0:41:02.556
-What kind of terrorist?[br]-A terrifying...terrorist.

0:41:04.167,0:41:07.682
-Are you scared?[br]-Not really. No.

0:41:11.007,0:41:14.477
-And now?[br]-Not really. No.

0:41:18.807,0:41:21.162
-How about now?[br]-No.

0:41:21.327,0:41:24.205
Goddammit.

0:41:27.567,0:41:30.798
l mean...uh...l mean, Allahdammit.

0:41:32.007,0:41:34.202
Silence!

0:41:34.367,0:41:36.961
l kill you.

0:41:45.767,0:41:49.282
-So, Achmed.[br]-No, no. ls Achmed.

0:41:49.447,0:41:53.235
-That`s what l said.[br]-No, you said Achmed. ls Achmed.

0:41:54.367,0:41:57.006
Silence!

0:41:57.167,0:42:00.159
l kill you.

0:42:07.487,0:42:11.844
-How do you spell it?[br]-What?

0:42:12.007,0:42:15.556
-How do you spell your name?[br]-Oh let`s see. A.

0:42:15.727,0:42:17.718
C...

0:42:18.767,0:42:21.759
Phlegm.

0:42:23.967,0:42:27.721
Silence! l kill you.

0:42:35.887,0:42:39.641
As a terrorist, l suppose[br]you have some sort of specialty.

0:42:39.807,0:42:42.844
Yes. l am a suicide bomber.

0:42:43.007,0:42:46.920
-So, you`re finished.[br]-What?

0:42:47.087,0:42:49.920
-You`ve done your job.[br]-No, l haven`t.

0:42:50.087,0:42:55.445
-You`re dead.[br]-No, l`m not. l feel fine.

0:42:55.607,0:43:00.123
-But you`re all bone.[br]-ls a flesh wound.

0:43:00.287,0:43:04.599
Silence! l kill you.

0:43:07.287,0:43:11.519
What the hell happened to my feet?

0:43:11.687,0:43:17.637
Son of a bitch. What the hell?[br]What are you doing? Stop it!

0:43:17.807,0:43:22.403
What are you trying to...[br]Stop touching me!

0:43:27.887,0:43:31.084
l kill you!

0:43:31.247,0:43:33.761
-We`ll fix this.[br]-What are you doing? Holy crap!

0:43:33.927,0:43:39.160
l`m in the air, wait wait.[br]Something is backwards. Holy crap.

0:43:39.327,0:43:42.080
l need some ligaments.

0:43:42.247,0:43:44.397
-Just sit still.[br]-Okay.

0:43:44.567,0:43:47.798
l will not move my ass.

0:43:47.967,0:43:52.597
You idiot, you don`t have an ass!

0:44:00.207,0:44:02.596
-ls that Walter?[br]-Yeah.

0:44:02.767,0:44:05.804
He scares the crap out of me.

0:44:07.527,0:44:10.758
Please, do not put me[br]back in the same suitcase.

0:44:10.927,0:44:14.886
-Why?[br]-He has gas!

0:44:15.047,0:44:20.041
Saddam`s mustard gas was[br]nothing compared to a Walter fart.

0:44:20.207,0:44:24.644
Ah, ha ha ha ha.

0:44:30.207,0:44:35.281
lt`s not funny. He will kill us.

0:44:35.447,0:44:37.722
Listen, l have something to tell you.

0:44:37.887,0:44:40.640
-What?[br]-You really are dead.

0:44:40.807,0:44:46.359
Are you sure?[br]l just got my flu shot.

0:44:46.527,0:44:48.882
-You really are dead.[br]-Wait, if l`m dead...

0:44:49.047,0:44:52.722
That means l get my 72 virgins.

0:44:55.687,0:44:58.360
Are you my virgins?

0:44:58.527,0:45:01.166
-l hope not.[br]-Why?

0:45:01.327,0:45:05.036
There`s a bunch[br]of ugly-ass guys out there.

0:45:07.847,0:45:11.681
lf this is Paradise,[br]l`ve been screwed!

0:45:11.847,0:45:14.566
Did they say[br]it would be only female virgins?

0:45:14.727,0:45:17.287
Holy crap!

0:45:24.887,0:45:28.766
Wait! l can have Clay Aiken.

0:45:34.087,0:45:37.318
l told a joke.

0:45:37.487,0:45:43.676
-Achmed, where did you come from?[br]-Yourfricking suitcase.

0:45:43.847,0:45:45.838
l told another one.

0:45:46.007,0:45:48.077
lf you`ve been in my suitcase-

0:45:48.247,0:45:51.557
-how have we been getting[br]through airport security?

0:45:51.727,0:45:58.166
That`s easy. They open the case and[br]l go, ``Hello! l am Lindsay Lohan!``

0:46:03.167,0:46:08.116
l told another joke![br]l can do this crap too.

0:46:08.287,0:46:11.324
Here`s another one.[br]Two Jews walk in a bar...

0:46:11.487,0:46:13.842
-No. No.[br]-What?

0:46:14.007,0:46:16.567
You don`t let Jews in your bar?

0:46:16.727,0:46:19.400
You racist bastard.

0:46:19.567,0:46:23.276
What l mean is,[br]l don`t want racist jokes in my act.

0:46:23.447,0:46:26.598
Oh. Okay.[br]How about if l kill the Jews?

0:46:26.767,0:46:29.520
l`m kidding.[br]l would not kill the Jews.

0:46:29.687,0:46:35.444
l would toss a penny between them[br]and watch them fight to the death.

0:46:39.647,0:46:46.166
Yes, yes. l did the same thing with[br]two Catholic priests and a small boy.

0:46:51.487,0:46:56.356
Yes, yes. And the winner[br]had to fight Michael Jackson!

0:46:59.327,0:47:01.682
Achmed, stop doing this!

0:47:01.847,0:47:06.363
-You can`t tell jokes like that.[br]-Why not? l`m killing, so to speak.

0:47:06.527,0:47:09.360
You can`t tell jokes like that.[br]lt offends people.

0:47:09.527,0:47:12.724
l`m dead, what do l care?

0:47:12.887,0:47:15.924
What do you want me to do,[br]knock-knock jokes?

0:47:16.087,0:47:18.442
-lt would be better.[br]-Okay, knock-knock.

0:47:18.607,0:47:21.440
-Who`s there?[br]-Me, l kill you.

0:47:21.607,0:47:24.565
As a suicide bomber,[br]did you have training?

0:47:24.727,0:47:27.924
Of course. We had[br]the suicide bomber training camp.

0:47:28.087,0:47:32.399
-ls that a nice facility?[br]-lt used to be.

0:47:32.567,0:47:35.764
-What happened?[br]-New guy!

0:47:35.927,0:47:39.317
The idiot tried to practice.

0:47:39.487,0:47:44.402
-What did you guys learn from that?[br]-Location, location, location.

0:47:46.527,0:47:50.679
Do you have a motto, like...[br]``We`re looking for a few good men``.

0:47:50.847,0:47:54.476
``We`re looking for[br]some idiots with no future.``

0:47:54.647,0:48:00.802
-Where do you get your recruits?[br]-The suicide hotline.

0:48:03.927,0:48:07.442
That was dark, was it not?

0:48:07.607,0:48:11.282
What exactly happened to you?[br]What happened?

0:48:11.447,0:48:16.316
lf you must know,[br]l am a horrible suicide bomber.

0:48:16.487,0:48:21.163
-What happened?[br]-l had a premature detonation.

0:48:21.327,0:48:26.401
l set the timerfor 30 minutes,[br]but it went off in 4 seconds.

0:48:26.567,0:48:30.560
You know what that`s like, right?

0:48:36.807,0:48:40.800
``Mr. Hurricane.``

0:48:42.007,0:48:45.238
Ha ha ha ha ha.

0:48:47.367,0:48:50.200
Achmed,[br]what exactly happened to you?

0:48:50.367,0:48:54.201
l was getting gasoline[br]and l answered my cellphone.

0:48:54.367,0:48:57.404
``Can you hear me n...?``

0:48:57.567,0:49:01.799
At first, l thought it was[br]because l went over my minutes.

0:49:01.967,0:49:07.200
lt`s okay, l took[br]that Verizon bastard with me.

0:49:14.447,0:49:17.484
What`s it like to die?[br]Do you see a white light?

0:49:17.647,0:49:20.844
lf you`re dumb enough[br]to watch the explosion, yes.

0:49:21.007,0:49:24.522
Some people say when they die they[br]see a white light. What did you see?

0:49:24.687,0:49:26.882
l saw flying car parts...

0:49:27.047,0:49:29.641
What was the last thing[br]through your mind?

0:49:29.807,0:49:32.799
My ass.

0:49:34.087,0:49:37.204
Waltertold me to tell that joke.

0:49:37.367,0:49:44.125
-You never saw a white light?[br]-No, but l saw a blue Prius.

0:49:46.167,0:49:49.762
Do you really[br]have one of those vehicles?

0:49:51.127,0:49:54.756
That is not a car.[br]That`s a lunchbox.

0:49:54.927,0:49:58.476
Did you know, when you`re[br]going down the highway in a Prius-

0:49:58.647,0:50:03.596
-if you put your hand out the window,[br]the vehicle will turn?

0:50:03.767,0:50:06.725
-You did this for a bunch of virgins?[br]-Are you kidding me?

0:50:06.887,0:50:10.846
l`d kill you for a Klondike bar.

0:50:12.047,0:50:15.198
-So, l guess you are Muslim?[br]-l don`t think so, no.

0:50:15.367,0:50:20.122
Look at my ass. ``Made in China``.

0:50:20.287,0:50:25.645
Walter says l`m just a[br]stinking Halloween decoration.

0:50:28.487,0:50:32.116
-Do you like being in D.C.?[br]-l think some idiots must live here.

0:50:32.287,0:50:35.279
-Why?[br]-The Washington Monument.

0:50:35.447,0:50:40.601
-Yes?[br]-lt looks nothing like the guy.

0:50:40.767,0:50:45.921
lt looks more like[br]a tribute to Bill Clinton.

0:50:52.167,0:50:54.442
-What do you think of Bush?[br]-Oh, l love bush.

0:50:54.607,0:50:57.440
Oh, you mean[br]the President. l`m sorry!

0:50:57.607,0:51:01.077
That`s Achmed,[br]the Dead Terrorist! There we go.

0:51:08.567,0:51:13.243
Thank you. There`s never been[br]a bettertime than right now-

0:51:13.287,0:51:15.403
-to introduce[br]a brand new superhero.

0:51:15.527,0:51:17.518
We have that very thing this evening.

0:51:17.687,0:51:20.247
He`s big. He`s powerful.[br]Please help me welcome-

0:51:20.407,0:51:25.003
-the superhero...Melvin.

0:51:32.407,0:51:36.400
H...h... Hi!

0:51:36.567,0:51:38.558
-Good to see you, Melvin.[br]-Thank you.

0:51:38.727,0:51:42.640
lt`s nice being here[br]in our nation`s capital.

0:51:42.807,0:51:46.766
So, you`re a superhero. What is[br]your most outstanding feature?

0:51:49.567,0:51:52.320
My costume.

0:51:52.487,0:51:54.955
-lt`s a very nice costume.[br]-Thank you.

0:51:55.127,0:51:58.483
-What does the `D` stand for?[br]-Oh, that`s my theme song.

0:51:58.647,0:52:04.040
-What`s your theme song?[br]-Da da-da daa!

0:52:04.207,0:52:08.962
-Where did you get the costume?[br]-That is a superhero secret!

0:52:09.127,0:52:11.925
-EBay?[br]-Dammit!

0:52:12.087,0:52:16.285
-How did you deduce that?[br]-A tag on the back says EBay.

0:52:16.447,0:52:19.484
lt`s as plain as the nose...[br]Oops, sorry.

0:52:19.647,0:52:23.401
Okay, so you`re a superhero.[br]Do you fight crime?

0:52:23.567,0:52:26.127
-Yes, of course![br]-What kind of crime?

0:52:26.287,0:52:28.676
Bad kind.

0:52:28.847,0:52:34.080
-So what have you done lately?[br]-Today, l was battling a terrorist.

0:52:34.247,0:52:37.045
-Achmed?[br]-Yes.

0:52:37.207,0:52:41.598
-And what kind of battle?[br]-Checkers.

0:52:43.647,0:52:48.118
Every time l`d get a king,[br]he`d blow it up.

0:52:48.287,0:52:51.597
-So what did you do?[br]-l issued a verbal threat.

0:52:51.767,0:52:56.124
And then Walter gassed him.

0:53:03.647,0:53:06.480
-Melvin, do you have any powers?[br]-Yes!

0:53:06.647,0:53:09.798
-Like what?[br]-l can fly. Really far.

0:53:09.967,0:53:15.087
-How far?[br]-How far can you throw me?

0:53:15.247,0:53:18.683
-Do you have other powers?[br]-X-ray vision!

0:53:18.847,0:53:21.998
Can you see through[br]something practical, like clothes?

0:53:22.167,0:53:25.318
Oh, you`re sick.

0:53:25.487,0:53:28.126
Yes.

0:53:28.287,0:53:31.996
l love looking at boobies.

0:53:34.807,0:53:38.880
That`s a beautiful pair, isn`t it?

0:53:39.047,0:53:44.644
l`m glad l`m wearing loose shorts.

0:53:44.807,0:53:52.487
Oh, l forgot.[br]l can`t see through silicone.

0:53:52.647,0:53:56.925
What? They`re good.[br]Those are super-hooters.

0:53:57.087,0:54:01.603
lf she had a theme song,[br]it would be Ta ta-ta taa!

0:54:05.927,0:54:11.479
lf she had a costume,[br]she`d have two Ds on her chest.

0:54:11.647,0:54:14.684
-l can look but l can`t touch.[br]-Why?

0:54:14.847,0:54:17.998
l`m lactose intolerant.

0:54:18.167,0:54:23.195
You can fly and have x-ray vision.[br]Those are the same as Superman!

0:54:23.367,0:54:28.157
-Can you stop a speeding bullet?[br]-Once.

0:54:31.527,0:54:36.078
Shut up! lt hurts like hell.

0:54:36.247,0:54:38.761
Can you leap[br]tall buildings in a single bound?

0:54:38.927,0:54:43.637
Why the hell would l do that?[br]There`s not a lot of call for that.

0:54:43.807,0:54:47.402
-Superman does that.[br]-Show-off.

0:54:47.567,0:54:51.845
He could avoid all the fuss and[br]just walk around the effing thing.

0:54:53.087,0:54:57.444
l can`t curse.[br]l think the President should.

0:54:57.607,0:55:00.565
-The President?[br]-Yeah. Think about it.

0:55:00.727,0:55:07.326
We had the A-bomb, the H-bomb.[br]lt`s time for him to drop the F-bomb.

0:55:15.367,0:55:19.280
He could go,[br]``Hey, terrorists! F you!``

0:55:19.447,0:55:22.917
So, like Superman, do you[br]change clothes in a phone booth?

0:55:23.087,0:55:25.282
What?

0:55:25.447,0:55:29.645
-Superman does that too.[br]-He`s got issues, doesn`t he?

0:55:29.807,0:55:32.605
My wife met Lois Lane once.

0:55:32.767,0:55:37.158
She said she acted[br]like an H-O-R-E.

0:55:37.327,0:55:39.966
You mean a W-H-O-R-E.

0:55:40.127,0:55:46.839
What`s a `w-hore`?[br]ls that like a Klingon?

0:55:47.007,0:55:49.726
So you`re married.[br]Does your wife have any powers?

0:55:49.887,0:55:51.798
-Yes.[br]-Like what?

0:55:51.967,0:55:55.801
Once a month...

0:55:57.287,0:56:00.438
She becomes evil.

0:56:00.607,0:56:03.679
And l cannot defeat her.

0:56:03.847,0:56:09.205
Our children run in terror.[br]Our big dog cowers underthe couch.

0:56:09.367,0:56:13.963
-You have a big dog?[br]-Actually, l borrowed your Chihuahua.

0:56:14.127,0:56:19.326
Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has[br]all the same powers as Superman.

0:56:19.487,0:56:22.843
That`s ridiculous.[br]lf Krypto sniffs your crotch-

0:56:23.007,0:56:26.841
-he`ll suck your lungs out your ass.

0:56:28.607,0:56:33.078
lf he humps your leg,[br]you`ll be in traction for a year.

0:56:33.247,0:56:39.482
-Do you have an arch enemy?[br]-Pinocchio.

0:56:39.647,0:56:42.684
-Do you have a weakness?[br]-Cupcakes.

0:56:42.847,0:56:46.726
And porn.

0:56:46.887,0:56:50.880
What? Not at the same time.

0:56:51.047,0:56:55.404
l need a free hand.

0:57:01.327,0:57:04.364
So, when there`s a problem,[br]how are you summoned?

0:57:04.527,0:57:08.076
l`m making a deal with[br]the Commissioner to light up the sky-

0:57:08.247,0:57:10.761
-with a spotlight of my symbol.

0:57:10.927,0:57:15.045
-What`s your symbol?[br]-A big nose in the sky.

0:57:15.207,0:57:20.156
Trouble is, sometimes it[br]doesn`t exactly look like a nose.

0:57:27.007,0:57:31.205
lt`s not a cupcake, either.

0:57:31.367,0:57:34.359
Da da-da daa!

0:57:34.527,0:57:36.518
Are you friends[br]with other superheroes?

0:57:36.687,0:57:38.962
-Some of them.[br]-How about Aquaman?

0:57:39.127,0:57:42.483
l like Aquaman, he can[br]breathe underwater and talk to fish.

0:57:42.647,0:57:47.482
Yeah, great. He has all[br]the same powers as SpongeBob.

0:57:49.047,0:57:51.322
-How about the Hulk?[br]-Why do you like the Hulk?

0:57:51.487,0:57:53.717
The angrier he gets,[br]the stronger he gets.

0:57:53.887,0:57:58.517
Yeah, like[br]every white trash guy on Cops .

0:58:02.967,0:58:06.846
-l like the Flash.[br]-He has no powers!

0:58:07.007,0:58:10.079
He`s on meth.

0:58:10.247,0:58:13.876
-Catwoman?[br]-l used to date Catwoman.

0:58:14.047,0:58:19.724
She gave me something[br]l had to take medicine to get rid of.

0:58:19.887,0:58:22.924
And boy, does it itch.

0:58:23.087,0:58:26.523
And now it burns when l fly.

0:58:26.687,0:58:30.043
Da da-da daa...

0:58:45.767,0:58:49.316
Son of a bitch!

0:58:49.487,0:58:52.923
lt`s the terrorists, l tell you.

0:58:56.527,0:59:00.122
l look like Lex Luthor.

0:59:00.287,0:59:05.281
-Can you put it back?[br]-Sure. Here we go.

0:59:05.447,0:59:09.918
-How`s that?[br]-Da da-da daa.

0:59:17.487,0:59:20.559
That kinda sucked.

0:59:20.727,0:59:25.357
-Do superheroes date each other?[br]-We date mortals sometimes, too.

0:59:25.527,0:59:29.998
Did you know that Superman[br]was dating Rosie O`Donnell?

0:59:30.167,0:59:32.203
-l did not know that.[br]-He had to quit.

0:59:32.367,0:59:35.518
Because she got too big.

0:59:35.687,0:59:40.158
He took her on one flight[br]and threw out his back.

0:59:40.327,0:59:44.036
Embarrassing when you`re[br]flying a girl around Metropolis-

0:59:44.207,0:59:47.802
-and yourfeet[br]are still dragging the sidewalk.

0:59:52.487,0:59:55.763
Da da-da daa.

0:59:55.927,1:00:00.796
This looks like a job for Slim-Fast!

1:00:03.287,1:00:06.165
-One last guy, how about Batman?[br]-Oh.

1:00:06.327,1:00:10.764
A grown man in a rubber suit,[br]running around with a young boy?

1:00:10.927,1:00:16.047
l don`t have to have x-ray vision to[br]see what the hell`s going on there.

1:00:16.207,1:00:20.120
l wondered about these superheroes[br]and their young men sidekicks.

1:00:24.647,1:00:29.437
You have five men in a suitcase.

1:00:29.607,1:00:33.566
And one of them`s on a stick.

1:00:42.367,1:00:46.599
Who is sliding down[br]the proverbial Batpole now?

1:00:46.767,1:00:51.887
lf you had a theme song,[br]it would be La la-la laa.

1:00:52.047,1:00:57.963
-You know, l have a wife and kids.[br]-So does Tom Cruise!

1:00:59.007,1:01:02.044
And that`s Melvin the Superhero.[br]There we go.

1:01:07.527,1:01:09.916
Thank you.

1:01:15.167,1:01:18.079
Thank you so much.

1:01:18.247,1:01:22.206
lf you`ve seen my show before,[br]you`ll recognize this next guy.

1:01:22.367,1:01:25.518
Please help me welcome[br]my buddy, Peanut.

1:01:36.087,1:01:38.476
-How you doing, Peanut?[br]-Pretty good, how are you?

1:01:38.647,1:01:42.526
-l`m fine.[br]-That`s good, that`s gooooooood.

1:01:43.887,1:01:48.119
-So, you like it here?[br]-Oh, l love being in D.C.

1:01:48.287,1:01:53.839
D.C! lt`s great. And l love this[br]theater, the Warner Theater.

1:01:54.007,1:01:56.760
lt`s fantastic.[br]And they`ve got a cool website.

1:01:56.927,1:01:59.964
And a link to our website[br]which is jeffdunham.com.

1:02:00.127,1:02:02.846
-The thing that...[br]-Peanut, stop...

1:02:03.007,1:02:06.238
What?

1:02:06.407,1:02:11.720
The hell is wrong with you?[br]We cannot talk at the same time!

1:02:18.847,1:02:22.157
l talk, you talk.[br]l talk, you talk, that`s it!

1:02:22.327,1:02:26.081
Focus.

1:02:29.727,1:02:32.844
l am so sick of this crap.

1:02:33.007,1:02:37.000
-l have tried going solo.[br]-What happened?

1:02:37.167,1:02:42.036
l kept falling off[br]this fricking thing.

1:02:42.207,1:02:44.277
Why did you interrupt me?

1:02:44.447,1:02:48.076
-You mispronounced my last name.[br]-l know.

1:02:48.247,1:02:52.320
-lt`s Dunham.[br]-Not when you look at it. Dun-Ham.

1:02:52.487,1:02:55.285
Haaaaaam.

1:02:55.447,1:02:59.042
You`re the other white meat.

1:03:02.367,1:03:04.676
Don`t confuse everyone. lt`s Dunham.

1:03:04.847,1:03:07.156
lt says Dun-ham ham ham ham.

1:03:15.687,1:03:20.715
Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com.

1:03:20.887,1:03:25.677
Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com.

1:03:29.847,1:03:35.319
And when you think about it for[br]30 seconds, it`s Jefa Fa Dun Ham.

1:03:36.327,1:03:38.363
Dot Com.

1:03:38.527,1:03:42.520
Jefa Fa.[br]You`re using an unneeded `F`.

1:03:42.687,1:03:47.841
Jefa Fa. Dun Ham.

1:03:48.007,1:03:50.919
Dot Com.

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Am l pissing you ofa fa?

1:04:08.287,1:04:10.755
Jefa Fa?

1:04:10.927,1:04:15.443
Dun Ham. Dot Com.

1:04:15.607,1:04:20.965
The weird part is,[br]l am actually pissing him off.

1:04:21.127,1:04:24.961
And he would like to kill me.[br]But he will not-

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-because that would be[br]a form of suicide.

1:04:30.607,1:04:32.677
-You want to kill me.[br]-No, l don`t.

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Yes, yes, yes.[br]Search yourfeelings, Jefa Fa.

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Dun Ham. Dot Com.

1:04:57.327,1:05:01.639
-What?[br]-Dude, you need a Tic-Tac.

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You know what your breath[br]smells like? Done ham.

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Dot Com.

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What the hell was that?

1:05:21.447,1:05:23.677
-What?[br]-What did you just do?

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-l didn`t do anything.[br]-You picked your nose.

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Did you see that?[br]- Oh my God.

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You fricking picked...your nose!

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-What?[br]-You didn`t do a very good job!

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-There`s still something there.[br]-Cut it out!

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-You gotta get it. lt`s wiggling.[br]-Stop it!

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Oh wait! You`re a ventriloquist.[br]Make it talk.

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That`d be funny as hell![br]Only give it a French accent.

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``Bonjour! l would like to[br]come out of your nose!``

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Stop it.

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Holy crap, you`re quick.

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lt`s like you know.

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You do that now, you just go...

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-That`s always been yourthing.[br]-You do it. Short one, long one.

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Do it!

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Do it.

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What the hell was that? You[br]sound like some anemic French guy.

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German: jawohl !

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Chinese:

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Gay guy:

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Oh, oh! Wait, wait.[br]A guy driving a blue Prius:

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You know what[br]would be funny as hell?

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When this gets on Comedy Central,[br]if the show is sponsored by Toyota.

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And they have no idea.

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One night[br]they`re watching this like, ``Hey!``

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``He making fun of our cars!``

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``He say our car is gay.``

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``lt not gay, he gay.``

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``Let`s get Godzilla to kill him.``

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-lt`s a tiny little car, isn`t it?[br]-lt`s small.

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l bet to get in and out,[br]you gotta use a lot of lotion.

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-That`s not funny.[br]-They are laughing like hell.

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-Does your wife drive that car?[br]-The Prius? Oh, sure.

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-Good. How`s she doing?[br]-My wife? She`s fine.

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-Oh, good. How`s the family?[br]-They`re fine.

1:09:50.966,1:09:55.358
-Oh, good! l was just wondering.[br]-Thanks a lot.

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-Everything`s fine?[br]-Everything`s fine.

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l just want to make sure.[br]Because l`m your pal.

1:10:03.007,1:10:06.716
-Thank you.[br]-So l`m concerned.

1:10:06.887,1:10:11.597
-About what?[br]-l was just thinking the other day.

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We`re on the road a lot.[br]You`re away from home a lot.

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And your wife`s at home alone. A lot.

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-Okay?[br]-Yeah.

1:10:26.247,1:10:30.035
-She`s not exactly bad-looking.[br]-No.

1:10:30.207,1:10:32.846
She`s hot.

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And her prime is now.

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Yours was 20 years ago.

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And she`s home. Alone.

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Are you sure?

1:10:55.807,1:10:59.925
-Yeah.[br]-How do you know?

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l trust her.

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What if she`s been[br]with someone else?

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Like...me!

1:11:12.087,1:11:15.966
Oh, come on.[br]You go purple, you never go back!

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l really don`t think my wife[br]has slept with you, Peanut.

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Well, think about this for a second.[br]ln a twisted kind of way-

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-all five of us on stage[br]have slept with your wife.

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When you`re wacky and[br]having a great time, that`s me!

1:11:38.927,1:11:41.236
When you`re pissed off,[br]lying there thinking-

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-``why did l marry this broad?``,[br]that`s Walter.

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When you`re so angry[br]you want to kill her, that`s Achmed.

1:11:51.287,1:11:54.484
So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick?

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You`re a sick man!

1:11:58.327,1:12:02.206
And here he is,[br]Jose Jalapeno on a Stick!

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-Good evening, Jose.[br]-Hola, Senor Heff.

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-lt`s good to see you.[br]-Gracias, Senor Heff.

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-Excuse me! Who the hell is `Heff`?[br]-That`s Jeff.

1:12:23.687,1:12:26.281
-No, he said `Heff`.[br]-lt`s the same thing.

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No, it`s not.

1:12:28.967,1:12:31.765
-Jose, what did you say?[br]-l say Senor Heff.

1:12:31.927,1:12:34.805
What the f...Now he said `Cheff`.

1:12:34.967,1:12:39.643
-lt`s all the same.[br]-Didn`t you watch Sesame Street?

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Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff[br]and Cheff is Cheff.

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One of these things[br]just doesnt belong here!

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Tonight`s show is[br]sponsored by the sound chhhhhh.

1:13:00.447,1:13:04.998
-l`m sorry, Jose.[br]-ls okay. He`s an idiot.

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You`re on a stick.[br]Stica ka. Jefa fa.

1:13:14.807,1:13:18.595
l have a question for Josie.

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My name is Jose.

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Oh, l`m sorry, l thought we were in[br]America, speaking fricking English.

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But l didn`t see[br]the little...overthe `e`.

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Which magically[br]changes Josie into fricking Jose.

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And l didn`t see the...over the `n`-

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-which changes[br]jalapeno into jalapeno.

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So a...overthe `n`[br]and a...over the `e`.

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Two keys l can never[br]fricking find on a fricking keyboard.

1:14:02.887,1:14:06.766
Apparently it`s a secret[br]known only to the Mexicans.

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So, Jose, when you`re typing...[br]Oh! l`m sorry.

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Talk about `hunt and peck`.

1:14:22.047,1:14:27.644
-l`m sorry, Jose.[br]-ls OK. l`ll hire Achmed to kill him.

1:14:27.807,1:14:30.799
So, what`s your question?[br]And be nice.

1:14:30.967,1:14:35.643
-You`re a jalapeno.[br]- Si, senor. On a stick.

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-You`re a Mexican jalapeno.[br]-On a stick.

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Are you a legal Mexican jalapeno?

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-What? What did l say?[br]-This is not the appropriate time.

1:14:49.607,1:14:55.079
Too late! So, Jose, are you legal?[br]Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...?

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-What?[br]-l know the answer to the question.

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Jose? Are you legal[br]to be in this country?

1:15:02.807,1:15:05.958
Si, senor.[br]l have my green card.

1:15:06.127,1:15:11.440
-Where is your green card?[br]-lt`s in my other stick.

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-Did you know he had another stick?[br]-l had no idea.

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You know what that means?[br]That means that one comes out!

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Oh my God! l thought[br]it was just stuck up his ass.

1:15:43.847,1:15:47.123
-What`s wrong?[br]-He doesn`t have an ass.

1:15:47.287,1:15:49.278
-lt`s just a jalapeno.[br]-On a stick.

1:15:49.447,1:15:51.722
l know!

1:15:51.887,1:15:54.321
-How did he get on the stick?[br]-l don`t know.

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Probably a horrible pogo accident.

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You know...doink doink.

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Ole!

1:16:12.647,1:16:16.083
Jose, immigration is a[br]big topic in the country right now.

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Would you mind[br]if l ask a few questions?

1:16:19.927,1:16:23.681
There are more National Guard on[br]the border between USA and Mexico.

1:16:23.847,1:16:25.838
-Does this concern you?[br]-No, senor.

1:16:26.007,1:16:30.683
-Why not?[br]-He`s already here!

1:16:33.527,1:16:37.076
You really are an idiot!

1:16:37.247,1:16:41.479
Jose, are you here on a[br]temporary visa, or on a work visa?

1:16:41.647,1:16:45.356
He`s here on a stick.

1:16:48.007,1:16:52.205
-Do you enjoy being in this country?[br]-Sometimes l`m afraid for my life.

1:16:52.367,1:16:55.962
-Why?[br]-Taco Bell.

1:17:03.287,1:17:06.359
-Jose, do you have a new girlfriend?[br]- Si, senor.

1:17:06.527,1:17:10.440
-What, a fricking pickle on a pencil?[br]-Stop it!

1:17:13.687,1:17:15.962
-Peanut, are you prejudiced?[br]-No!

1:17:16.127,1:17:21.326
A bunch of[br]my best friends are on sticks.

1:17:21.487,1:17:24.001
Peanut, l meant are you[br]prejudiced towards Mexicans?

1:17:24.167,1:17:28.479
No. My mother`s Mexican.

1:17:30.807,1:17:34.083
Okay, l meant New Mexican.

1:17:34.247,1:17:38.001
She`s like Jose, just...fresher.

1:17:38.167,1:17:41.682
-Jose, you speak English very well.[br]-Gracias, senor.

1:17:41.847,1:17:45.283
What were some of the first phrases[br]in English that you learned?

1:17:45.447,1:17:49.122
``Will you help me push my car?``

1:18:01.527,1:18:05.406
-``Does this lD look real?``[br]-Will you s...

1:18:05.567,1:18:10.163
-``Where`s the nearest Home Depot?``[br]-Stop it!

1:18:10.327,1:18:14.923
Actually, the last one was true.

1:18:15.087,1:18:18.477
l`m sorry about this, Jose.[br]l`m happy to have you in the act.

1:18:18.647,1:18:20.763
- Gracias, senor.[br]-Just make sure he`s legal.

1:18:20.927,1:18:25.239
-He`s legal. Why are you concerned?[br]-Are you not concerned?

1:18:25.407,1:18:29.685
-Why should l be concerned?[br]-He works for you!

1:18:29.847,1:18:34.318
Some of those laws pass and he`s not[br]legal, it`s your ass thrown in jail.

1:18:34.487,1:18:37.718
And trust me,[br]you would not do well in prison.

1:18:37.887,1:18:42.085
-Why not?[br]-``Come here, puppet boy!``

1:18:49.447,1:18:53.235
``Make your daddy talk.``

1:18:53.407,1:18:57.525
That`s nice. So you`re pretty sure[br]l`d soon become someone`s...

1:18:57.687,1:18:59.882
-Bitch.[br]-Right.

1:19:00.047,1:19:02.197
On a stick.

1:19:02.367,1:19:08.920
You guys have been an awesome[br]audience. Thank you. Good night.

1:19:09.087,1:19:13.683
Subtitle: D K Vaught[br]PrimeText lnternational