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It was 2:45 PM

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on a rainy Friday in Los Angeles.

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My dad was just brewing
a cup of coffee in the kitchen

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when he answered a call
from an unknown number.

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He froze as he heard a woman
violently crying and screaming

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on the other side of the line.

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Next, a strong masculine voice came on.

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And he said to my dad,

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"We have your daughter,

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and if you don't listen
to every single word that we say,

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we're going to kill her."

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My dad paused,

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he lost his breath for a moment,

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and he managed to ask,

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"Can I talk to her?"

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"Do you want us to break her arm?"

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They taunted him.

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Now, you have to understand
I am one of two daughters.

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And sadly,

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just six months
before this phone call came in,

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we took my big sister off of life support.

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I'll never forget the day that she died.

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My dad looked at me with this grief,
with this heartbreak,

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bigger than the entire sky,

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and he kept repeating to me, saying,

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"Now I only have one daughter left."

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So, as anyone would when they're in fear,
he gave his power away,

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and he desperately said to the kidnappers,

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"This is my only daughter;
I'll do whatever you want."

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"Are you alone?"
the kidnappers asked him.

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And in that moment, he locked eyes
with my mom across the kitchen,

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pressed his fingers to his lips,
silently begging her to remain quiet.

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And he said to them, "Yep, I'm alone,"
as he scribbled on a napkin.

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He wrote,

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"Go outside, quiet, call 911.
Ashley's been kidnapped"

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My sweet mom, she hurried outside
with her hands trembling,

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and she managed to call 911.

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Meanwhile,

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my dad was being commanded
by the kidnappers.

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"Get in your car," they said to him.

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"You're going to the bank,

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you're keeping us on the phone,

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and you're going to pay a ransom.

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And if you don't cooperate,

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we'll be sending you
her body parts in the mail."

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My mom let the police know
to meet her at the bank,

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and she tiptoed in the car
so that they wouldn't hear her.

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The conversation in the car to the bank
was all over the place.

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In one minute, they were asking
my dad how his day was.

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In the next minute,
they were threatening to rape me.

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They pulled up at the bank,

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and my mom went to meet
the police officer,

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and meanwhile, my dad
stiffly walked into the bank

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with his phone on
in his pocket as promised

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so that the kidnapper
could hear him wiring the funds.

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Meanwhile, as all of this was unfolding,

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I was actually sitting
in my quaint, little Beverly Hills office,

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conducting a podcast interview.

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I remember throughout
the conversation with my guest

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kind of seeing my phone
light up across my desk

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and not thinking much of it.

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No, it wasn't until my guest left
that I saw a slew of missed calls.

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And most importantly,

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I saw one text message
that I'll never forget.

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It said, "This is the police.

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I'm with your family. Please call."

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Now, in my early 20s,

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I worked in counter-terrorism
at the Pentagon, in Washington, D.C.,

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so believe me when I tell you
that my imagination of what could go wrong

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is so colorful.

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But in that moment -
I've never gotten a message like that,

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thinking that maybe whatever
was on the other side of that text message

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was going to ruin my life.

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So I sat there, and I mustered
the courage to finally call.

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He said, "This is Officer Johnson.
Is this Ashley?" "Yes"

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He said, "Please confirm your name."

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I said, "This is Ashley Michelle Stahl.
Is my family okay?"

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Next thing I knew, I heard commotion.

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He yelled across the bank to my dad,

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"Mister Stahl, hang up the phone!

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She's on the line; it's a scam!"

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I heard a ton of commotion,

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and then my dad grabbed the phone
from the police officer.

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And he came onto the phone with me

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with a voice sounding more fragile
than I've ever heard him before.

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And all he said to me was "Is it you?"

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I said, "Yeah, it's me."

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And for the first time ever,
I heard my dad break down and sob.

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He didn't sob like that
when I was a little girl.

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I remember one 
of his businesses went under,

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and our family went
through an incredibly hard time,

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and he didn't sob like that.

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When I was in middle school,
I came home one day,

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and he told me he had stage III cancer.

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And he didn't sob like that
the day my big sister passed away.

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Never.

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He kept asking me if it was me,

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as in I felt like
I had to prove that it was,

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so I said, "Yeah, Dad, it's me.

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We dressed up as hotdogs
together for Halloween.

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You love cheesecake.

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I just signed my book deal.

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It's me, Dad."

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And he met me with one question.

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He said, "Can you please just come home?"

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So I was on my way.

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I remember walking in the front door
of my parents' house,

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my dad rushed over to me,
and we hugged heart to heart,

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and I felt his pain in a way
that I've never felt on another person.

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It was in that moment
that I also realized

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that parents aren't superhumans,

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that they're just people -
like you, like me -

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doing the best that they can.

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He walked me through the phone call
from start to finish,

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and I couldn't believe

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that for two entire hours
he was living one reality

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while I was living
a completely separate one.

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But knowing that the truth
always leaves clues,

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I couldn't help but wonder,

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how did my supersmart dad get so duped?

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And did the crying woman
even sound like me?

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And how did he manage
to give his power away so quickly

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to a bunch of strangers?

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So, eventually, I managed to ask him,

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"Did you ever doubt that this was real?"

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And he gave an answer
that we all tend to give

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when life corners us and we buy into fear.

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He said to me,

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"I didn't think
that there was another option."

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Thinking about that, he went on,

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about how we get so scared,

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and how somebody
was screaming on the line,

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and you don't have time
to think about that.

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And that totally made sense to me.

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But throughout the rest of the night,

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I sat there in so much sadness
and some anger,

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looking at how traumatized -

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I'd never seen my 75-year old dad

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so traumatized -

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wondering how could somebody
do this to another person?

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And it was in that moment

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that something completely
unexpected washed over me.

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And it was compassion.

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Not just for my dad, 
but for the fake kidnappers.

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I wondered,

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why would somebody choose a career path
of scaring people like that

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and robbing them of their life savings?

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The only answer I could come up with

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was maybe they didn't think
they had a better option,

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or, you know, maybe this
is what their parents taught them,

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just like my parents taught me
what was possible for me in my career,

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or maybe they don't have the awareness
that there's another way.

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Put simply, maybe this was the best
that they thought they could do

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to get by, survive,
and meet their needs in the world,

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and pay their bills.

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Often, we kidnap ourselves
from the lives that we actually want

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because we think a different path

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is going to help us survive,
get by, pay our bills,

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or meet our needs in the world.

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I pulled out my journal,
and I wrote at the top of it,

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"I'm my own kidnapper."

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I listed all of the ways over the years

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that I silenced the truth
of what I actually want,

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all of the times
that I took myself captive

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on soul-crushing journeys
that I didn't even want to be on.

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I thought about how so many of us
choose majors in college or career paths

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that we don't even want to be on,

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because we think it will help us

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survive, get by,
or meet our needs in the world.

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But it doesn't have to be that way.

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I encourage you to ask yourself,

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"Where am I kidnapping myself
from the life that I really want?"

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"How am I giving away my power,
getting into fear,

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just to meet my needs in the world?"

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When we go into fear,
we give away our power

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and we disconnect from who we really are
and what we really want.

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But as a career coach, I've learned

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that there are three key steps
that you can take right now

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to make what I love to call a "you-turn,"

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which is the decision to get out of fear
and come home to yourself.

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So the first step is to do a self audit.

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Really ask yourself,

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"Where am I holding myself captive?"

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This means being honest with yourself

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about where you are,
what's working for you, and what isn't.

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If you think about it,
we come into the world,

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our natural state
is with so much love, creativity -

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think about kids; they have inspiration -

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and yet over time we're taught to fear.

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And fear is a necessary
inner alarm system

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that we all need to survive
in the physical world.

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Think about it.

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We learn to look both ways 
before we cross the street.

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We learn not to touch
the stove when it's hot.

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We learn not to talk to strangers.

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But over time, we get hurt.

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Life throws us curveballs.

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We learn to stop taking risks
and start being afraid.

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We get afraid to put ourselves out there.

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We start calling ourselves
"practical" or "realistic"

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for making choices
that seem "responsible"

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when really we're just
so scared of criticism.

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And if we're being
really honest with ourselves,

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people who call themselves realists
are often just dreamers

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who got their hearts broken
somewhere along the way.

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So how do you make a you-turn?

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You do a self audit.

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You come home to yourself.

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And that's why one of my favorite
questions to ask people is

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"What do you know
that you wish you didn't know?"

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What do you know
that you wish you didn't know?

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Maybe some of you know
that you're hiding from the truth.

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Deep down, you know
you're hiding from the truth.

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Maybe you're hiding from the fact
that you hate your job,

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but you won't admit it
because you're scared

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and you don't know where to go next.

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Or maybe you're hiding from the fact
that you married the wrong person,

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but you're scared to admit it
because it's going to unravel your life

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to get a divorce.

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Or maybe you know that something
is going on with your health,

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but you're scared to go to the doctor

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because you don't want
to hear the diagnosis.

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Whatever it is, tap into
what's deeply true for you,

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seeing things as they are -

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not worse than they are, 
not better than they are,

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but as they actually are.

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In order to figure out
what you really want,

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you need to see the truth
of where you are.

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And maybe right now you feel pain
bubbling up inside of you

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as you look at what's true for you.

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But know this:

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pain is often a trampoline

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that will launch us
into our next stage of life

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if we're willing to let it.

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The second step is to follow your freedom.

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Follow your freedom.

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This means paying attention
to what feels good to you

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so that you can finally set yourself free.

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So you're probably wondering right now,

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"Okay, Ashley,

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how do I feel what feels good?"

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Very fair question.

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We live in a world right now

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of Internet trolls and tweets
and text messages,

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and the data is officially in:

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we are so connected

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that we're somehow,
according to research,

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more disconnected than ever.

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In fact, in the United States alone,
71% of the workforce is on the job hunt.

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And I believe, as a career expert,

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that that is because people
don't like where they are.

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More than 70% of the United States
is taking prescription drugs,

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and more than half of marriages
are ending in divorce.

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We've heard it all before.

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"Do what you love,
and the money will follow."

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Or my least favourite piece of advice,

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"Follow your passion."

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These short expressions
are often a fast track to nowhere.

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But when you learn to really follow
what feels good to you,

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your purpose is often
either right in front of you

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or on the periphery of that.

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So maybe you're wondering,

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"Well, how do I really connect to my body?

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How do I feel what feels good?"

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You're still being with this question.

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And that totally makes sense to me.

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Right now,

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scientists are calling our gut
"our second brain,"

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and you've probably heard the research

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that suggests that there's more
than 200 million neurons in our gut,

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which is equivalent to the size
of a cat or dog's brain.

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So what does that mean to you?

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That means if in your nervous system

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you're feeling some sort
of anxiety or disconnect,

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some nerves, something feels off,

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to trust it because
your body is a messenger

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and it is constantly giving you feedback.

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In my early 20s,

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when I moved to Washington, D.C.,
to work in counter-terrorism,

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I didn't know if that was going to be
my ultimate career path.

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But something about it felt good to me.

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And guess what happened on the periphery?

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I succeeded in my career.

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I learned how to master the job hunt.

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And I became a career expert.

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And guess what happened
on the periphery of that?

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I became a published author,
my biggest dream.

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In a world of climbing
the corporate ladder,

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five-year plans, and unnecessary degrees,

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we are all striving for something
that is so unrealistic.

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And it's perfection.

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But who you are at age 25
isn't going to be who you are at age 30,

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and it certainly isn't going to be
who you are at age 40.

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And that's why I invite you
to see your career as an experiment

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that really meets you where you are -

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a vehicle for your own self-expression.

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You can start with writing down
all of your ideas

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and checking in with your body,
seeing how they feel to you.

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Do you feel joy? Or do you feel fear?

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Do you feel expansion?
Or do you feel contraction?

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Do you feel liberation?
Or do you feel suffocation?

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That's why one of my favourite tools
to recommend people that they use

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is called a "joy journal."

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When you're feeling disconnected,

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00:16:00,729 --> 00:16:03,327
for 30 days, take the time to write down

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every single moment -
that moment that lit you up the most -

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every single day.

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And I don't care

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00:16:08,977 --> 00:16:12,332
if it's the woman you talk to
in the bathroom line at the club

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or the meeting you led at work.

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Pay attention.

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And at the end of the 30 days,

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take note of if there's any patterns
in your inspiration.

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Really ask yourself,

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00:16:23,719 --> 00:16:27,658
"What skill set am I using
when I'm the most inspired?"

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00:16:28,211 --> 00:16:31,081
Because when you're in your inspiration,

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you're not being run
or kidnapped by your fear.

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00:16:35,932 --> 00:16:39,494
And the third step is to engage.

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00:16:41,736 --> 00:16:44,265
So needless to say,
your cute little joy journal

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00:16:44,265 --> 00:16:47,681
isn't going to get you that love interest
that you've been pining over

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00:16:47,682 --> 00:16:49,553
or that dream job that you really want.

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Action will.

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But perfectionism is the enemy of action.

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And often, I found that perfectionism
is a mask that we all wear

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when we're afraid of failure.

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00:17:03,259 --> 00:17:06,610
So ask yourself, "Am I a perfectionist?"

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Because here's the truth of the matter.

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Clarity comes from engagement;
it does not come from thought.

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00:17:14,458 --> 00:17:16,830
Limbo is powerless.

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00:17:17,206 --> 00:17:20,044
So if you want to be powerful,
look at your list,

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pick something that feels good.

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00:17:22,473 --> 00:17:25,343
Show up, see what feedback
the universe gives you,

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00:17:25,356 --> 00:17:26,716
make a commitment,

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00:17:26,716 --> 00:17:28,984
and know that you can course-correct

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00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:31,225
along the way.

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00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:37,073
You know, looking back and thinking
about the fake kidnapping incident,

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00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:38,757
I think a lot about my dad

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00:17:38,757 --> 00:17:41,963
and all of the trauma
that he experienced that day,

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00:17:41,963 --> 00:17:46,952
nearly wiring his entire life savings
to some strangers on the phone.

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00:17:47,485 --> 00:17:52,047
I think about how the truth
always really does leave clues.

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00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:55,418
How he thought to ask if it was me
or if he could talk to me

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because early on
in the kidnapper conversation,

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he wanted to talk to me for proof.

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Some part of him knew.

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00:18:02,424 --> 00:18:06,798
I think about how he gave away his power
in desperation and in fear,

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as we all do.

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00:18:09,741 --> 00:18:11,328
And most of all,

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I thought about my compassion
for the kidnappers,

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and all of the lessons
that I really learned.

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00:18:18,883 --> 00:18:22,881
We all have the opportunity
to free ourselves.

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00:18:23,441 --> 00:18:26,620
And it starts with really taking a look

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00:18:26,620 --> 00:18:27,844
at who you are.

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00:18:27,844 --> 00:18:29,720
Doing a self audit.

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00:18:29,797 --> 00:18:32,377
Following what feels good.

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00:18:32,413 --> 00:18:34,373
And taking action.

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00:18:34,385 --> 00:18:36,624
No matter where you are
in your life right now,

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00:18:36,643 --> 00:18:40,003
you have the opportunity
to make a you-turn.

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00:18:40,012 --> 00:18:41,861
That means connecting to the truth.

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00:18:41,933 --> 00:18:43,623
Connecting to your body.

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00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,944
Connecting to your joy.

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00:18:46,689 --> 00:18:51,643
Most of all, that means
making your you-turn.

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Thank you.

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00:18:53,406 --> 00:18:55,771
(Applause)