Who are you?

How would you answer that?

And are you living in a way
that's true to who you are?

I often start off
my new mindfulness series

exploring this question

by having two people
ask each other "Who are you?"

So one person asks, and the other person
responds for three minutes uninterrupted.

And what I find is that,
generally, in this first round,

they talk about the more external
layer of who they are.

They talk about their work,
their hobbies, their friends -

all of which are really important,

but none of which
are who they fundamentally are.

And so then they ask a second time -

ask "Who are you?" again.

And this time, I ask them to get
a little bit more cosmic in their answer.

So after wondering what they've done
signing up for my class,

they start to get a little vulnerable.

So they talk about
their struggles in their past,

the fact that they have anxiety,

and other pains that they have.

But what I find is that for most people,

no matter what they said,

there's still something in them

that realizes that
that's not who they are either.

But I don't have them ask
for a third time,

because for most people,

who they are beyond
these two initial layers

is largely unexplored territory
and really difficult to put into words.

I lived 25 years of my life

with the deep suffering
of ignoring who I was

because I was scared,

because I didn't want to hurt anyone,

and because I didn't really
love myself enough to change.

And so when I came to meditation,

I came for some relief.

But what I found

was that the pain was not actually
coming from the core of who I was -

the pain was coming from
how I was relating to who I was.

So through mindfulness,

I began to learn and accept who I was
within and beyond those two layers,

and the transformation
that has happened from there

has given me a kind of peace and happiness
that I could never have expected.

So I'd like to share with you today

a framework in four steps
on how mindfulness transforms us,

both from my own experience

and the experiences of many
who have been doing this practice

for over 2,500 years.

So the first step is like
the gateway of mindfulness.

It's coming to this heightened realization
that the new kicks, the girlfriend,

even getting an A boarding group

on Southwest

don't actually bring you
sustained inner peace and happiness.

You're happy for a bit,

and then you get used to it,

and then you're on to something else.

And then on top of that,
everything ends, breaks, or dies.

So no wonder it is so hard
to be happy as a human

when there is always something
between you and happiness.

And so many people live their whole lives

in a habit of believing

that if only I become less or more this
or have more of that,

then I'll be happy.

So when people come to meditation,

this represents

a willingness to step outside
of this endless cycle of "if only,"

to practice being present with who we are
and what we have right now.

So I'd like to invite you
to try this practice out with me

because in the same way that I can't
talk at you about playing piano

and then you become a virtuoso,

I can't talk at you about mindfulness
and then you become more mindful.

Unfortunately, the brain
doesn't work like that.

So through neuroplasticity,

our brain actually develops
based on how we use it.

And so when we practice mindfulness
through meditation,

our brain develops its capability
to be mindful and compassionate.

And that's really why it is a practice
and not a philosophy or a magic.

It's accessible to everyone.

And so let's try out this practice.

And to start, I'll just ask
that you close your eyes,

and this just helps
bring attention inward.

And just feel what it feels like
to be in this body,

in this space,

and in this moment.

Bringing your attention
to your breathing in this body.

So following it as you breathe in ...

and breathe out.

And breathing in again ...

and breathe out.

The breath is always present
and a reliable place to come back to.

Just continuing to follow your breathing.

And you might notice

thoughts like to take your attention away.

And so all you have to do
when you notice that happens

is observe where your mind went
and then come back to your breath.

Learning how to come home to who you are.

And now taking one more mindful breath ...

and opening your eyes.

So for some of you,
that might have felt nice.

For others, that might
have felt awkwardly long.

(Laughter)

And for most of you,
you probably noticed a lot of thoughts,

and that's actually part of the practice.

So as we continue to practice,

we become really conscious

of what takes us away
from inner peace and happiness.

Because when we meditate,
we try to be present,

and then we notice all of the thoughts
and the motions and our top 10 tunes

that really like
to get in the way of that.

It's as though the waves of the mind
start to settle enough

for us to see more clearly
what's going on underwater.

And rather than our normal life,
where we're too distracted to notice -

we ignore it,

or we get really caught up in it -

we learn how to notice it,
to gain insight from it,

and to let it pass.

And that starts to create space for us
to choose our response from a wiser place.

I remember one summer,

I was getting into my car,

and it was extremely hot,

and I noticed in me all of this irritation
and this inner complaining.

And because of my practice,

I could be aware of it
without being totally caught up in it.

And it gave me the space to remember
that just a few months ago,

I had paid for this exact same experience

at the sauna.

(Laughter)

And so that changed my whole perspective

because, suddenly, I realized

that it wasn't actually the heat itself
that was causing my suffering,

but it was my resistance to the heat.

So rather than being the complainer
and being the irritation,

I was able to be the noticer
of the irritation and complaining

and choose to let it go.

And so as we start to get less caught up
in our emotions and our thoughts,

we start to have greater access
to this third layer of who we are:

our more kind, wise, and conscious self
where our true values live.

As we become familiar with who we are,

and as we start to allow
thoughts and emotions to go

without getting caught up in it,

we start to discover our true nature.

And through meditation,
we get this in glimpses -

of the quiet, peaceful mind
and what it is to just be.

And we discover the joy, compassion,
and peace of our true nature.

And this experience
is one of connectedness,

it's one of aliveness,

and it's one of a deep contentment.

As we start to discover who we are,

it becomes natural, then,

that all of the layers of our being
start to transform from this place.

I would never have expected

that such a simple practice
would transform every corner of my life -

from how I eat, to how I speak,

to the work I do,
and the habits that I have.

And these changes haven't come
because it's New Year's

or from a place of self-hatred

or the delusion that maybe
this thing will bring me happiness.

These changes have come from a wiser
and more compassionate place in me.

Through meditation, I finally gained
the self-compassion and the insight

to come to terms with being transgender

and that my brain had developed as male
and my body got a different message.

And after I came out to my family,

I went home, and I found these journals

that my mother had kept
of me as a young child.

And I discovered that from the age of two,
and for several years,

I was persistently
telling my parents that I was a boy.

When they would tell me
that I was a good girl, I would say, "No."

I would start crying and tell them
that I was actually a good boy.

And I think they might have
just thought I was really stubborn.

(Laughter)

But as I read these journals,

I remembered my first
short haircut as a child

and what it felt like to feel embodied -

a feeling of really being seen
for who you are.

And it was a feeling
that I would lose for decades after.

As I saw that this
is what I'd always been,

any doubt that I had,

that maybe I was making these changes
out of a place of pain, went away.

I knew then that I was making
these changes from a wiser place,

out of compassion for my pain.

And it became clear to me then

that mindfulness
is a transformative practice

that brings us back home to who we are
before we are ever told who we should be.

And that brings us
a deep level of happiness

that we can't find externally.

There's an old story in Thailand

of a group of monks that had to move
this really big clay Buddha statue

into their new temple.

And when they tried to move it,
it was unexpectedly heavy,

and it dropped.

And some of the clay broke off,

and they found a little bit
of gold underneath.

So after they investigated further,

they found that actually
the whole statue had been made of gold,

and that hundreds of years before,

the Burmese army
had threatened to come to town,

and so they covered it with clay
to try to protect it.

The analogy here is that
over the course of our lives,

we pile on layers of clay -

clay that we use to protect ourselves.

But eventually, we too forget
the gold we really are.

We forget that the clay
was just a remnant of the past

and no longer who we are today.

Through mindfulness,
we learn the skill of shedding the clay

by getting close to and transforming
our clay and our suffering

and getting in touch
with the gold that we are.

And this is so important to me

because when we're covered in clay

and we are totally caught in our stresses
and our striving and our suffering,

we don't have as much access to our gold.

We don't have as much access
to the innate compassion we have

to be open to and to do something
about the suffering of others.

And the words and actions
we make out of our clay,

out of our fear and our pain,

can cause tremendous harm.

Over 40% of transgender people
try to kill themselves.

And it's not because
of who they are at their core;

it's because so many in this world
have yet to learn how to turn inward

and to access compassion that they have
for others and for themselves.

And this is just one kind
of unnecessary pain

our society has not yet learned
how to help transform.

I don't think that world peace
and greater global happiness

are going to happen because one day
all of the governments come together

and decide that now is the time
for a more harmonious, enlightened world.

(Laughter)

It has to start small.

We have to practice it
and build it inside of ourselves,

and then we need to practice it
the next time we're cut off on 64.

(Laughter)

Every moment

is an opportunity for practice.

And if we can meet the world in this way,

we can begin to transform
from the inside out.

Thank you.

(Applause)