WEBVTT 00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:06.000 Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins -- 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.000 the dramatic moments of the birth 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:10.000 of our first son, Declan. 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:12.000 Obviously a really profound moment, 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:14.000 and it changed our lives in many ways. 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:16.000 It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways, 00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.000 and those unexpected ways we later reflected on, 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:21.000 that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us, 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.000 and a year later, we launched Babble, 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:25.000 a website for parents. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:27.000 Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:30.000 as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:33.000 RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:35.000 AV: We did. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:37.000 RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website. 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:39.000 It was a website called Nerve.com, 00:00:39.000 --> 00:00:42.000 the tagline of which was "literate smut." 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:45.000 It was in theory, and hopefully in practice, 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:47.000 a smart online magazine 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:50.000 about sex and culture. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:53.000 AV: That spawned a dating site. 00:00:53.000 --> 00:00:55.000 But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies. 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:58.000 You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble, 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.000 which we did. 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:03.000 And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:07.000 RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:09.000 was not just the life stage thing, 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:11.000 which is, of course, relevant, 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:13.000 but it was really more about 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:15.000 our desire to speak very honestly 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:18.000 about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about. 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:20.000 It seems to us that 00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:23.000 when people start dissembling, people start lying about things, 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:25.000 that's when it gets really interesting. 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:27.000 That's a subject that we want to dive into. 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:29.000 And we've been surprised to find, as young parents, 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:32.000 that there are almost more taboos around parenting 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:34.000 than there are around sex. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:36.000 AV: It's true. So like we said, 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:38.000 the early years were really wonderful, 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:40.000 but they were also really difficult. 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:42.000 And we feel like some of that difficulty 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:45.000 was because of this false advertisement around parenting. 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:47.000 (Laughter) 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:50.000 We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework, 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:53.000 but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this. 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:55.000 And we went into parenting 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:57.000 expecting our lives to look like this. 00:01:57.000 --> 00:02:00.000 The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying. 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:03.000 I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested, 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:06.000 and in fact, it was not like that at all. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:09.000 RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:11.000 that we were looking at, with these beautiful images, 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:13.000 and looked at the scene in our actual living room, 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.000 it looked a little bit more like this. 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:17.000 These are our three sons. 00:02:17.000 --> 00:02:19.000 And of course, they're not always crying and screaming, 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:21.000 but with three boys, there's a decent probability 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:23.000 that at least one of them will not be comporting himself 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:25.000 exactly as he should. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:28.000 AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us. 00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:31.000 We really felt like what we went in expecting 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:34.000 had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing, 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:37.000 and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight. 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:40.000 We really wanted to let them understand 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:43.000 what the realities of parenting were in an honest way. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:45.000 RG: So today, what we would love to do 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:48.000 is share with you four parenting taboos. 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:50.000 And of course, there are many more than four things 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:52.000 you can't say about parenting, 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:54.000 but we would like to share with you today 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:57.000 four that are particularly relevant for us personally. 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:00.000 So the first, taboo number one: 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:03.000 you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:05.000 in the very first minute. 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:08.000 I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital. 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:11.000 We were in the process of giving birth to our first child. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:11.000 --> 00:03:13.000 AV: We, or I? NOTE Paragraph 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:15.000 RG: I'm sorry. 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:17.000 Misuse of the pronoun. 00:03:17.000 --> 00:03:19.000 Alisa was very generously in the process 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:21.000 of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.) 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:23.000 -- and I was there with a catcher's mitt. 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:25.000 And I was there with my arms open. 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:27.000 The nurse was coming at me 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:29.000 with this beautiful, beautiful child, 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:31.000 and I remember, as she was approaching me, 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:34.000 the voices of friends saying, 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:36.000 "The moment they put the baby in your hands, 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:39.000 you will feel a sense of love that will come over you 00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:41.000 that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful 00:03:41.000 --> 00:03:44.000 than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life." 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:46.000 So I was bracing myself for the moment. 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.000 The baby was coming, 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:50.000 and I was ready for this Mack truck of love 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:53.000 to just knock me off my feet. 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:56.000 And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands, 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.000 it was an extraordinary moment. 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:01.000 This picture is from literally a few seconds after 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:04.000 the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over. 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:06.000 And you can see, our eyes were glistening. 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:09.000 I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife, 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:11.000 with deep, deep gratitude 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:13.000 that we had what appeared to be a healthy child. 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.000 And it was also, of course, surreal. 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:17.000 I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure. 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:19.000 I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?" 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:22.000 And this was all quite remarkable. 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:25.000 But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection, 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:28.000 but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:30.000 And so we've done something here 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.000 that is heretical. 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:35.000 We have charted 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:38.000 our love for our child over time. 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:40.000 (Laughter) 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:43.000 This, as you know, is an act of heresy. 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:45.000 You're not allowed to chart love. 00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:47.000 The reason you're not allowed to chart love 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:49.000 is because we think of love as a binary thing. 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:51.000 You're either in love, or you're not in love. 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:53.000 You love, or you don't love. 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:56.000 And I think the reality is that love is a process, 00:04:56.000 --> 00:04:58.000 and I think the problem with thinking of love 00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:00.000 as something that's binary 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.000 is that it causes us 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:04.000 to be unduly concerned 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:07.000 that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you. 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:10.000 And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience. 00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:12.000 But I think a lot of men do go through this sense 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:15.000 in the early months, maybe their first year, 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:18.000 that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:20.000 AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up, 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:23.000 because you can notice where he dips in the first years 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:26.000 where I think I was doing most of the work. 00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:28.000 But we like to joke, 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:30.000 in the first few months of all of our children's lives, 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:32.000 this is Uncle Rufus. 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:34.000 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:36.000 RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:39.000 AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:42.000 that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:44.000 amongst other babies. 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:46.000 So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:48.000 RG: Uh oh. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:51.000 AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:54.000 RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he? NOTE Paragraph 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:57.000 AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here, 00:05:57.000 --> 00:05:59.000 and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:01.000 RG: The far left. AV: No! NOTE Paragraph 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:08.000 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:10.000 RG: Cruel. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:12.000 AV: Nothing more to be said. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:14.000 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:16.000 I'll move on to taboo number two. 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:19.000 You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be. 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:21.000 I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it. 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:24.000 I felt incredibly connected to the community around me. 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:27.000 I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me, 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.000 tracking it down till the actual due-date. 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:34.000 I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity. 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:37.000 That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating. 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:40.000 I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors. 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:43.000 It was a really wonderful experience, 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:45.000 but when I got home, 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:47.000 I suddenly felt very disconnected 00:06:47.000 --> 00:06:50.000 and suddenly shut in and shut out, 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:52.000 and I was really surprised by those feelings. 00:06:52.000 --> 00:06:54.000 I did expect it to be difficult, 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:56.000 have sleepless nights, constant feedings, 00:06:56.000 --> 00:06:58.000 but I did not expect the feelings 00:06:58.000 --> 00:07:01.000 of isolation and loneliness that I experienced, 00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:03.000 and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me, 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:05.000 that I was going to be feeling this way. 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:07.000 And I called my sister 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:10.000 whom I'm very close to -- and had three children -- 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:12.000 and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:14.000 I was going to be feeling this way, 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:17.000 that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?" 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:20.000 And she said -- I'll never forget -- 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:22.000 "It's just not something you want to say to a mother 00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:25.000 that's having a baby for the first time." NOTE Paragraph 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:27.000 RG: And of course, we think 00:07:27.000 --> 00:07:30.000 it's precisely what you really should be saying 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:33.000 to mothers who have kids for the first time. 00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:36.000 And that this, of course, one of the themes for us 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:38.000 is that we think 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.000 that candor and brutal honesty 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:42.000 is critical to us collectively 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:44.000 being great parents. 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:46.000 And it's hard not to think 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.000 that part of what leads to this sense of isolation 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.000 is our modern world. 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:52.000 So Alisa's experience is not isolated. 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:54.000 So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:56.000 report feelings of loneliness. 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:58.000 Of those, 67 percent are most lonely 00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:01.000 when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two. 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:03.000 In the process of preparing this, 00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:05.000 we looked at how some other cultures around the world 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:08.000 deal with this period of time, 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:10.000 because here in the Western world, 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:13.000 less than 50 percent of us live near our family members, 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:16.000 which I think is part of why this is such a tough period. 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.000 So to take one example among many: 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:20.000 in Southern India 00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:22.000 there's a practice known as jholabhari, 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:25.000 in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant, 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:27.000 moves in with her mother 00:08:27.000 --> 00:08:29.000 and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies, 00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:32.000 give birth and returns home to her nuclear family 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:34.000 several months after the child is born. 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:36.000 And this is one of many ways 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:39.000 that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:41.000 AV: So taboo number three: 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:44.000 you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine. 00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:46.000 So after we had Declan, 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:48.000 we kind of recalibrated our expectations. 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.000 We thought we actually could go through this again 00:08:51.000 --> 00:08:54.000 and thought we knew what we would be up against. 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:57.000 And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant, 00:08:57.000 --> 00:08:59.000 and I soon learned that we were having a boy, 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:01.000 and then when I was five months, 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:03.000 we learned that we had lost our child. 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:06.000 This is actually the last little image we have of him. 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:09.000 And it was obviously a very difficult time -- 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:12.000 really painful. 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:15.000 As I was working through that mourning process, 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:18.000 I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody. 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:21.000 I really wanted to crawl into a hole, 00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:23.000 and I didn't really know how I was going 00:09:23.000 --> 00:09:26.000 to work my way back into my surrounding community. 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:29.000 And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way, 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:31.000 is on a really deep gut level, 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:34.000 I was feeling a lot of shame 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:36.000 and embarrassed, frankly, 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:38.000 that, in some respects, I had failed 00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:41.000 at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do. 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:43.000 And of course, it made me question, 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:45.000 if I wasn't able to have another child, 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:47.000 what would that mean for my marriage, 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:49.000 and just me as a woman. 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:51.000 So it was a very difficult time. 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:53.000 As I started working through it more, 00:09:53.000 --> 00:09:56.000 I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people. 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.000 I was really amazed 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:00.000 by all the stories that started flooding in. 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.000 People I interacted with daily, 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:04.000 worked with, was friends with, 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:06.000 family members that I had known a long time, 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.000 had never shared with me their own stories. 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:11.000 And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork, 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:13.000 and I felt like I happened upon 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:16.000 this secret society of women that I now was a part of, 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:19.000 which was reassuring and also really concerning. 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:22.000 And I think, 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.000 miscarriage is an invisible loss. 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.000 There's not really a lot of community support around it. 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:28.000 There's really no ceremony, 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:30.000 rituals, or rites. 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:33.000 And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life, 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:35.000 and there's a lot of community support, 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:37.000 and it's something women don't have with miscarriage. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:39.000 RG: Which is too bad because, of course, 00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:41.000 it's a very common and very traumatic experience. 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:44.000 Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage, 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:46.000 and I find this astounding. 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:48.000 In a survey, 74 percent of women said 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:51.000 that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful. 00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:53.000 And astoundingly, 22 percent 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:55.000 said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:57.000 So taboo number four: 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:00.000 you can't say that your average happiness 00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:03.000 has declined since having a child. 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.000 The party line is that every single aspect of my life 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:08.000 has just gotten dramatically better 00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:10.000 ever since I participated 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:13.000 in the miracle that is childbirth and family. 00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:17.000 I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day, 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:20.000 our first son, Declan, was nine months old, 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:22.000 and I was sitting there on the couch, 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:25.000 and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness." 00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:27.000 And I got about two-thirds of the way through, 00:11:27.000 --> 00:11:30.000 and there was a chart on the right-hand side -- 00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:32.000 on the right-hand page -- 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:34.000 that we've labeled here 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:36.000 "The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:38.000 for a New Parent." 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:41.000 This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies. 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:44.000 Basically, there's this precipitous drop 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:46.000 of marital satisfaction, 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:49.000 which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness, 00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:51.000 that doesn't rise again 00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:54.000 until your first child goes to college. 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:57.000 So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life, 00:11:57.000 --> 00:11:59.000 this chasm of happiness 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:02.000 that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into. 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:05.000 We were despondent. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:07.000 AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult, 00:12:07.000 --> 00:12:09.000 but we'd come out of it, 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:11.000 and were really shocked to see this study. 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.000 So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:16.000 in hopes that we would find a silver lining. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:18.000 RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents, 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:21.000 because we got this incredible reporter 00:12:21.000 --> 00:12:24.000 to go and interview all the scientists 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:26.000 who conducted these four studies. 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.000 We said, something is wrong here. 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:30.000 There's something missing from these studies. 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:33.000 It can't possibly be that bad. 00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:37.000 So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece, 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:40.000 and she interviewed four scientists, 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:42.000 and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert, 00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:44.000 and we did indeed find a silver lining. 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:46.000 So this is our guess 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:49.000 as to what this baseline of average happiness 00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:51.000 arguably looks like throughout life. 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:53.000 Average happiness is, of course, inadequate, 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:55.000 because it doesn't speak 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:57.000 to the moment-by-moment experience, 00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:00.000 and so this is what we think it looks like 00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:02.000 when you layer in 00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:05.000 moment-to-moment experience. 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:07.000 And so we all remember as children, 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:10.000 the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children -- 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:12.000 the teeniest little thing 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:14.000 can just rocket them to these heights 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:16.000 of just utter adulation, 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.000 and then the next teeniest little thing 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:20.000 can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair. 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:23.000 And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves. 00:13:23.000 --> 00:13:25.000 And then, of course, as you get older, 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:27.000 it's almost like age is a form of lithium. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:30.000 As you get older, you become more stable. 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:33.000 And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s, 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:35.000 is you start to learn to hedge your happiness. 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.000 You start to realize that 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:40.000 "Hey, I could go to this live music event 00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:42.000 and have an utterly transforming experience 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:45.000 that will cover my entire body with goosebumps, 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:47.000 but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:50.000 and I won't be able to get a beer. 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:52.000 So I'm not going to go. 00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:55.000 I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go." 00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:58.000 So your average happiness goes up, 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.000 but you lose those transcendent moments. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:03.000 AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child, 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:05.000 and then you really resubmit yourself 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:07.000 to these highs and lows -- 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:10.000 the highs being the first steps, the first smile, 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:12.000 your child reading to you for the first time -- 00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:15.000 the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night. 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:19.000 But you realize you resubmit yourself 00:14:19.000 --> 00:14:22.000 to losing control in a really wonderful way, 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:24.000 which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:26.000 and is quite gratifying. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:28.000 RG: And so in effect, 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:30.000 we trade average happiness. 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:32.000 We trade the sort of security and safety 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:34.000 of a certain level of contentment 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:37.000 for these transcendent moments. 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:39.000 So where does that leave the two of us 00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:41.000 as a family with our three little boys 00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:43.000 in the thick of all this? 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:45.000 There's another factor in our case. 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:47.000 We have violated yet another taboo 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:49.000 in our own lives, 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:52.000 and this is a bonus taboo. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:55.000 AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together, 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.000 especially with three children -- 00:14:57.000 --> 00:14:59.000 and we are. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:02.000 RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end. 00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:05.000 Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse. 00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:08.000 In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble, 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:10.000 the venture capitalists said, 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:12.000 "We categorically don't invest 00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:14.000 in companies founded by husbands and wives, 00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:16.000 because there's an extra point of failure. 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:18.000 It's a bad idea. Don't do it." 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.000 And we obviously went forward. We did. 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:23.000 We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did, 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:25.000 because in this phase of one's life, 00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:28.000 the incredibly scarce resource is time. 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:31.000 And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are -- 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:33.000 and you're also passionate about your relationship, 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:36.000 this is the only way we know how to do it. 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.000 And so the final question that we would ask is: 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:41.000 can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards? 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:44.000 It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy, 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:47.000 but they're sometimes pretty quick. 00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:50.000 And so how about that average baseline of happiness? 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:52.000 Can we move that up a little bit? NOTE Paragraph 00:15:52.000 --> 00:15:55.000 AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about, 00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:57.000 is really the result of walking into parenting -- 00:15:57.000 --> 00:15:59.000 and really any long-term partnership for that matter -- 00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:01.000 with the wrong expectations. 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:04.000 And if you have the right expectations and expectation management, 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.000 we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:09.000 RG: And so this is what -- 00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:11.000 And we think that a lot of parents, 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:13.000 when you get in there -- in our case anyway -- 00:16:13.000 --> 00:16:16.000 you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go. 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:18.000 Get out of the airplane, 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:20.000 it turns out you're trekking in Nepal. 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:23.000 And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience, 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:25.000 particularly if you pack your bags properly 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:27.000 and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched. 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:29.000 So the point of all this for us today 00:16:29.000 --> 00:16:32.000 is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty, 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:35.000 but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences, 00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:37.000 that we can all collectively 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:40.000 bend that happiness baseline up a little bit. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.000 RG + AV: Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:47.000 (Applause)