1 00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:03,735 What keeps us healthy and happy 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,320 as we go through life? 3 00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:09,016 If you were going to invest now 4 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:11,096 in your future best self, 5 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:14,080 where would you put your time and your energy? 6 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,536 There was a recent survey of millennials 7 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:22,736 asking them what their most important life goals were, 8 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,776 and over 80 percent said 9 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:28,936 that a major life goal for them was to get rich. 10 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:33,296 And another 50 percent of those same young adults 11 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,856 said that another major life goal 12 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,720 was to become famous. 13 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,176 (Laughter) 14 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:46,856 And we're constantly told to lean in to work, to push harder 15 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,936 and achieve more. 16 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,616 We're given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after 17 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,456 in order to have a good life. 18 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,696 Pictures of entire lives, 19 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,936 of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them, 20 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,840 those pictures are almost impossible to get. 21 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,136 Most of what we know about human life 22 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,616 we know from asking people to remember the past, 23 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:17,416 and as we know, hindsight is anything but 20/20. 24 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,136 We forget vast amounts of what happens to us in life, 25 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,040 and sometimes memory is downright creative. 26 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:29,176 But what if we could watch entire lives 27 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,056 as they unfold through time? 28 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,056 What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers 29 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,816 all the way into old age 30 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,200 to see what really keeps people happy and healthy? 31 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:44,760 We did that. 32 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,856 The Harvard Study of Adult Development 33 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:52,640 may be the longest study of adult life that's ever been done. 34 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:59,840 For 75 years, we've tracked the lives of 724 men, 35 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,856 year after year, asking about their work, their home lives, their health, 36 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,256 and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories 37 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:11,720 were going to turn out. 38 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,896 Studies like this are exceedingly rare. 39 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,976 Almost all projects of this kind fall apart within a decade 40 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,176 because too many people drop out of the study, 41 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,096 or funding for the research dries up, 42 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,376 or the researchers get distracted, 43 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,480 or they die, and nobody moves the ball further down the field. 44 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,536 But through a combination of luck 45 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,256 and the persistence of several generations of researchers, 46 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:41,840 this study has survived. 47 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:47,016 About 60 of our original 724 men 48 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,336 are still alive, 49 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,536 still participating in the study, 50 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,600 most of them in their 90s. 51 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,456 And we are now beginning to study 52 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:58,840 the more than 2,000 children of these men. 53 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,000 And I'm the fourth director of the study. 54 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:08,136 Since 1938, we've tracked the lives of two groups of men. 55 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,296 The first group started in the study 56 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,016 when they were sophomores at Harvard College. 57 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,856 They all finished college during World War II, 58 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,320 and then most went off to serve in the war. 59 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,416 And the second group that we've followed 60 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:25,616 was a group of boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods, 61 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,656 boys who were chosen for the study 62 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,016 specifically because they were from some of the most troubled 63 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,896 and disadvantaged families 64 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,656 in the Boston of the 1930s. 65 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:40,280 Most lived in tenements, many without hot and cold running water. 66 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,416 When they entered the study, 67 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,376 all of these teenagers were interviewed. 68 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,616 They were given medical exams. 69 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:53,176 We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. 70 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,576 And then these teenagers grew up into adults 71 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,016 who entered all walks of life. 72 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:04,136 They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors, 73 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,520 one President of the United States. 74 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:12,400 Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. 75 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,616 Some climbed the social ladder 76 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,856 from the bottom all the way to the very top, 77 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:22,160 and some made that journey in the opposite direction. 78 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,456 The founders of this study 79 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,496 would never in their wildest dreams 80 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:33,056 have imagined that I would be standing here today, 75 years later, 81 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,160 telling you that the study still continues. 82 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:40,896 Every two years, our patient and dedicated research staff 83 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,976 calls up our men and asks them if we can send them 84 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,120 yet one more set of questions about their lives. 85 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,616 Many of the inner city Boston men ask us, 86 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:55,520 "Why do you keep wanting to study me? My life just isn't that interesting." 87 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,976 The Harvard men never ask that question. 88 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:04,200 (Laughter) 89 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,776 To get the clearest picture of these lives, 90 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,736 we don't just send them questionnaires. 91 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,216 We interview them in their living rooms. 92 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,176 We get their medical records from their doctors. 93 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,696 We draw their blood, we scan their brains, 94 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,416 we talk to their children. 95 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:29,696 We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. 96 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,256 And when, about a decade ago, we finally asked the wives 97 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,656 if they would join us as members of the study, 98 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,376 many of the women said, "You know, it's about time." 99 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,456 (Laughter) 100 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,176 So what have we learned? 101 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:46,416 What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages 102 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:49,496 of information that we've generated 103 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,720 on these lives? 104 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:57,320 Well, the lessons aren't about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. 105 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:04,816 The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: 106 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:10,040 Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period. 107 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,816 We've learned three big lessons about relationships. 108 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,936 The first is that social connections are really good for us, 109 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,456 and that loneliness kills. 110 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:25,136 It turns out that people who are more socially connected 111 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,256 to family, to friends, to community, 112 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:32,976 are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer 113 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,376 than people who are less well connected. 114 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,816 And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. 115 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:44,976 People who are more isolated than they want to be from others 116 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,216 find that they are less happy, 117 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,176 their health declines earlier in midlife, 118 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,416 their brain functioning declines sooner 119 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,000 and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. 120 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,256 And the sad fact is that at any given time, 121 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,880 more than one in five Americans will report that they're lonely. 122 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,696 And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd 123 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,376 and you can be lonely in a marriage, 124 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,536 so the second big lesson that we learned 125 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,656 is that it's not just the number of friends you have, 126 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,176 and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, 127 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:25,840 but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters. 128 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:31,336 It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. 129 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:35,336 High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, 130 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:41,136 turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. 131 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,936 And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective. 132 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,056 Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s, 133 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,096 we wanted to look back at them at midlife 134 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,696 and to see if we could predict 135 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,696 who was going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian 136 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,920 and who wasn't. 137 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,896 And when we gathered together everything we knew about them 138 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,280 at age 50, 139 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,616 it wasn't their middle age cholesterol levels 140 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,536 that predicted how they were going to grow old. 141 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:15,016 It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. 142 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,936 The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 143 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,360 were the healthiest at age 80. 144 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,856 And good, close relationships seem to buffer us 145 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,640 from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. 146 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:34,456 Our most happily partnered men and women 147 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,535 reported, in their 80s, 148 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,496 that on the days when they had more physical pain, 149 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,480 their mood stayed just as happy. 150 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,656 But the people who were in unhappy relationships, 151 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,616 on the days when they reported more physical pain, 152 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,680 it was magnified by more emotional pain. 153 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,736 And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health 154 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:00,016 is that good relationships don't just protect our bodies, 155 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,520 they protect our brains. 156 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:07,096 It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship 157 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:11,016 to another person in your 80s is protective, 158 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,016 that the people who are in relationships 159 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:17,176 where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, 160 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,896 those people's memories stay sharper longer. 161 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,416 And the people in relationships 162 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,576 where they feel they really can't count on the other one, 163 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,480 those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. 164 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,976 And those good relationships, they don't have to be smooth all the time. 165 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,576 Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other 166 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,336 day in and day out, 167 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,536 but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other 168 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,376 when the going got tough, 169 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:48,000 those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories. 170 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,336 So this message, 171 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:58,056 that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being, 172 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,016 this is wisdom that's as old as the hills. 173 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:04,880 Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore? 174 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,016 Well, we're human. 175 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,856 What we'd really like is a quick fix, 176 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,576 something we can get 177 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,360 that'll make our lives good and keep them that way. 178 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,656 Relationships are messy and they're complicated 179 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,496 and the hard work of tending to family and friends, 180 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,176 it's not sexy or glamorous. 181 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,536 It's also lifelong. It never ends. 182 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:33,616 The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement 183 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:39,456 were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates. 184 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,456 Just like the millennials in that recent survey, 185 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,096 many of our men when they were starting out as young adults 186 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:50,136 really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement 187 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,096 were what they needed to go after to have a good life. 188 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:58,296 But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown 189 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:03,976 that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, 190 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,240 with family, with friends, with community. 191 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,056 So what about you? 192 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,840 Let's say you're 25, or you're 40, or you're 60. 193 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,760 What might leaning in to relationships even look like? 194 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,880 Well, the possibilities are practically endless. 195 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:29,696 It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time 196 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:34,176 or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, 197 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,400 long walks or date nights, 198 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:42,216 or reaching out to that family member who you haven't spoken to in years, 199 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,736 because those all-too-common family feuds 200 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,976 take a terrible toll 201 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,080 on the people who hold the grudges. 202 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,920 I'd like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. 203 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,656 More than a century ago, 204 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,296 he was looking back on his life, 205 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:03,600 and he wrote this: 206 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,536 "There isn't time, so brief is life, 207 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:13,720 for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. 208 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,536 There is only time for loving, 209 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:21,280 and but an instant, so to speak, for that." 210 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:27,136 The good life is built with good relationships. 211 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,376 Thank you. 212 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:33,840 (Applause)