WEBVTT
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ERNST & THE LIGHT
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WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
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Connie here
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Hi babe - Ernie calling.
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Why haven't you called?
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It's that bloody mobile phone.
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It hasn't got the brains to function...
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... well, I don't care, I'll get a new one soon,
I can't be bothered anymore.
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How was your trip?
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Oh, good, good --
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It was Guten Tag, Auf Wiedersehen,
and everything flew off the shelves!
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Did you see the light last night?
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It was incredibly...
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No, but I read about it.
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Why don't you start spreading your legs,
and I'll be home in about an hour?
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(Radio)... the entire globe was lit up for 14½ seconds last night...
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experts from all over the world have gathered in Denmark today
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to examine this high energy release, whose source has not yet been identified...
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... last night's global light phenomenon is being interpreted by the cult as a sign
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-- over 30.000 fanatics in the Philippines have been conducting mass-crucifictions throughout the day...
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Damn it!
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Can I hitch a ride?
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Sure... I don't see a problem with that.
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It's just... I don't think the car will start.
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Try!
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There you go.
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Yep.
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So where are you heading?
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I have a long journey ahead of me.
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Hell, don't we all!
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There's something you need to understand, Ernst.
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You have been chosen.
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I have been what?
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You have been chosen.
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Chosen to follow me.
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This is the dawn of a new age!
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You are my first disciple.
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Hey, are you a member of a cult, or something?
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No, no -- I have returned.
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We have much to do.
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Hey, mitts off my phone!
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It's broken enough as it is.
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I think it is working again.
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How the hell did you do that?
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It hasn't been working the past three days!
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Imagine being the inventor of the telephone.
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No, that was Graham Bell.
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Yes, well, that's beside the point.
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The man must have felt like an idiot.
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Didn't it strike you as odd that I just fixed it like that?
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Yeah, sure, but imagine inventing the phone, right?
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Sure, sure, you have a telephone --
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but you're sitting there with your very own phone
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and you must feel like a right idiot!
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Do you know what I mean?
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There's no one to call, because you're the only one in the world with a telephone!
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Didn't it strike you as odd that you passed me twice on the road back there?
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Nope.
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But didn't it strike you as rather strange
that you were able to pass me twice,
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and that your car suddenly went dead,
and that I know your name,
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and isn't it highly mysterious that I can
make things work again just by touching them?
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Nope.
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People do the most remarkable things to get a ride.
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Are you normal, Ernst?
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Am I normal!
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You are asking me whether I am normal?
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Hell, you are the one who has obviously
just escaped from some mental institution!
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I don't understand.
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Things aren't exactly right with you, are they?
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Look at your clothes.
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You are out hitching a ride at two in the morning.
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I am the son of God. I have returned!
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And you have been chosen to be my disciple!
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See what I'm saying?
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You don't look anything like Jesus.
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Not that that's something to crucify a man for.
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Crucify! Get it?
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I... am the Son of God, Ernst.
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Imagine if He had to pay alimony to everyone
who has ever claimed to be His son!
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Then He wouldn't have any savings left for the holidays, now would He?
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You are Ernst Petersen, are you not?
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You are a cleaning supplies salesman, are you not?
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Yes.
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And there's nothing wrong with that!
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It may not sound as fancy as a degree in law or business economics, but it pays well, my friend!
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Do you not understand anything?
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The whole world is waiting for us.
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You have been chosen to be the first
among the multitudes who will follow me!
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It has been decided.
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And who decided?
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The Lord did.
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We are on a mission.
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Piss off -- get out of my car!
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I refuse to listen to any more bullshit--
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I am tired, I want to go home;
I want to get laid, watch tv and then off to bed.
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But Ernst...
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No more mission bullshit!
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No more talk of God and chosen ones.
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If you want a ride, you'll tell me where you're going
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and you will shut the hell up!
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Or you'll tell me about the latest match results,
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or something...
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Is there nothing I can do to make you believe in me?
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Get out!
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But I am the son of God!
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Jesus Christ.
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I wouldn't give two shits if you were Michael Laudrup's sister, you are getting out of my car right now!
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You can't go without me.
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How the hell do you do that?
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I am the son of God.
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Then make it start again.
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Should we go?
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I'll be damned...
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Okay.
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Let's say you are Jesus.
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Then what are you doing here?
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Humanity has waited for me for two thousand years.
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Now I am here at last.
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You might want to lower your expectations
for your popularity, you know.
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Of course, you will be given some attention at first; there's the tabloids, the daily news...
NOTE Paragraph
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... but the world has changed.
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It's your own fault, you know.
Two thousand years is a long time!
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Hey, I'm a salesman -- you always have to follow up on an order within a week,
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--otherwise the client gets cold feet!
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If I had the habit of waiting two thousand years,
I would still be driving a Fiat, know what I mean?
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Yes... maybe.
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The times are changing, you have to keep up.
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If only you'd said 'He'll be back in, say, 50 years'
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but now! Now it is too damned late.
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I wasn't my choice.
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Why did it have to take you this long?
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I'm not exactly sure...
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Was it that '2000' sounded cool?
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Or did you do it to increase the excitement?
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It was Father's idea.
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God?
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Yes.
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Isn't he rather bossy?
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I mean, have you never dreamed of
doing something all on your own?
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No, I just obey.
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That's not going to take you far!
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Why?
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Because people are fed up with that nonsense.
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Today you need to be independent and strong
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There are plenty of Japanese out there who can do everything better and cheaper and faster
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In this world, it's no good saying:
"I'm doing it because my father told me to"
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No, you have to shout it: "Here I am, and I will kick
everyone who doesn't take notice right in the crotch!"
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But I...
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No 'but's!
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You just have to face the fact that you failed.
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You're obsolete, the market's gone!
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Yes, pull yourself together and invest your know-how in something new, find out where you're needed.
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Hasn't anyone kept the faith alive?
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Doesn't anyone want salvation?
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Like hell they do.
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People want sex. And violence.
And sex and sex.
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And then cleaning supplies.
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Then what's the point of anything?
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The point? Ha!
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Have you ever been a salesman?
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No.
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Okay.
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I think you may have it in you.
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I think I could get you a job.
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No...
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If you don't become my disciple tonight
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and if we... if we don't...
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Then what?
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Then it all goes to hell, or what?
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Yes!
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I'm the saviour!
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You don't have to save anyone,
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you just need to think about yourself.
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But...
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if you don't join me tonight, I'll have to go back,
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don't you understand? I won't be able to come back for another two thousand years!
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You'll just have to stay here.
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I can't.
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Aren't you old enough by now to make your own decisions?
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What is this?
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I will go back.
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You are a very, very sick and confused man,
you know that?
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Goodbye, Ernst.
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Well, goodbye, then.
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It's Connie
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Hi babe.
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I'll be home in 20 minutes.
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Did you see it?
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I saw it again, the light!
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The television was...
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Yes, yes, I saw it.
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Wait until you hear this, you won't believe it:
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What?
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My mobile phone is working again!