WEBVTT 00:00:13.280 --> 00:00:16.230 my name is Sean Annan and I'm a student 00:00:16.230 --> 00:00:17.970 project manager at the Clark tender 00:00:17.970 --> 00:00:20.820 Dickinson College on behalf of the Clark 00:00:20.820 --> 00:00:23.000 center and the department's of history 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:25.830 sociology and Women's Studies I'd like 00:00:25.830 --> 00:00:27.480 to welcome you to this week's common our 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:30.570 lecture the way we were memories of 00:00:30.570 --> 00:00:33.470 traditional marriage and family life 00:00:33.470 --> 00:00:35.940 modern society is strongly being 00:00:35.940 --> 00:00:37.800 criticized for his lack of family values 00:00:37.800 --> 00:00:40.230 and a declining respect for marriage in 00:00:40.230 --> 00:00:42.840 general he would disagree that the 00:00:42.840 --> 00:00:44.910 family oriented 1950s 00:00:44.910 --> 00:00:48.080 is often used as the basis of comparison 00:00:48.080 --> 00:00:51.120 while many argue that the ills of modern 00:00:51.120 --> 00:00:52.800 society are to blame for its breakdown 00:00:52.800 --> 00:00:54.390 in traditional marriage values and 00:00:54.390 --> 00:00:57.120 family life it is important to recall 00:00:57.120 --> 00:00:59.220 that during the idolized mid 19th 00:00:59.220 --> 00:01:02.030 century teenage childbearing peaked and 00:01:02.030 --> 00:01:04.290 alcoholism and drug abuse were just as 00:01:04.290 --> 00:01:07.740 prevalent as this today Stephanie Coontz 00:01:07.740 --> 00:01:09.509 will discuss a surprising number of 00:01:09.509 --> 00:01:11.549 myths about the history of marriage and 00:01:11.549 --> 00:01:13.860 family life and how they prevent us from 00:01:13.860 --> 00:01:16.200 coping effectively with the challenge of 00:01:16.200 --> 00:01:19.290 recent changes she is a professor of 00:01:19.290 --> 00:01:21.210 history and Family Studies at Evergreen 00:01:21.210 --> 00:01:23.490 State College and director of research 00:01:23.490 --> 00:01:26.580 and public education for the Council on 00:01:26.580 --> 00:01:29.340 contemporary families she is published 00:01:29.340 --> 00:01:31.290 extensively on the topic of marriage and 00:01:31.290 --> 00:01:33.600 family life and is the author of several 00:01:33.600 --> 00:01:37.530 prestigious books including the way we 00:01:37.530 --> 00:01:40.080 never were American families and in 00:01:40.080 --> 00:01:43.440 Australia style the trap and marriage a 00:01:43.440 --> 00:01:46.110 history from obedience to intimacy a 00:01:46.110 --> 00:01:49.770 howl of Concord marriage her work has 00:01:49.770 --> 00:01:51.510 been featured in many periodicals 00:01:51.510 --> 00:01:53.700 including the New York Times The Wall 00:01:53.700 --> 00:01:56.880 Street Journal Newsweek and vogue as 00:01:56.880 --> 00:01:58.320 well as academic and professional 00:01:58.320 --> 00:02:00.900 journals including Family Therapy 00:02:00.900 --> 00:02:03.930 magazine chronicles of higher education 00:02:03.930 --> 00:02:08.068 and Journal of marriage and family she 00:02:08.068 --> 00:02:09.830 is appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show 00:02:09.830 --> 00:02:14.010 crossfire CNN's talkback live and CBS 00:02:14.010 --> 00:02:17.970 this morning Stephanie Coontz a former 00:02:17.970 --> 00:02:20.520 Woodrow Wilson fellow has taught at Kobe 00:02:20.520 --> 00:02:22.920 University in Japan at the University of 00:02:22.920 --> 00:02:24.990 Hawaii at Hilo 00:02:24.990 --> 00:02:26.460 honors include the council on 00:02:26.460 --> 00:02:28.860 contemporary family visionary leadership 00:02:28.860 --> 00:02:31.530 award the Dale Richmond award from the 00:02:31.530 --> 00:02:34.080 American Academy of Pediatrics and the 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:35.640 friend of the family award from the 00:02:35.640 --> 00:02:38.390 Illinois Council on family relations 00:02:38.390 --> 00:02:41.400 before we begin I would like to ask that 00:02:41.400 --> 00:02:43.500 the sound be disabled on any electronic 00:02:43.500 --> 00:02:46.740 devices in addition please hold any 00:02:46.740 --> 00:02:48.240 questions until the end of the 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:50.280 presentation when there will be a short 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:53.070 question and answer session out of 00:02:53.070 --> 00:02:54.360 courtesy towards those who may be 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:56.520 hearing impaired please raise your hand 00:02:56.520 --> 00:02:58.230 and wait for a microphone to be passed 00:02:58.230 --> 00:03:01.320 to you before speaking following the 00:03:01.320 --> 00:03:03.870 presentation in the lobby there will be 00:03:03.870 --> 00:03:05.850 a book signing session and lunch will be 00:03:05.850 --> 00:03:07.800 available thank you for your cooperation 00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:09.510 and now please join me in welcoming 00:03:09.510 --> 00:03:12.680 Stephanie Kunz 00:03:20.489 --> 00:03:23.379 well I know we've got lunch waiting for 00:03:23.379 --> 00:03:26.469 us and classes at 1:30 so I can't really 00:03:26.469 --> 00:03:28.780 take on all the myths about marriage and 00:03:28.780 --> 00:03:30.430 family life and I think I'll just 00:03:30.430 --> 00:03:32.560 concentrate today on some of the things 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:35.200 about the way marriage has changed that 00:03:35.200 --> 00:03:37.209 maybe we don't completely understand I 00:03:37.209 --> 00:03:38.920 mean we all know that marriage is 00:03:38.920 --> 00:03:41.049 different than it used to be and that's 00:03:41.049 --> 00:03:43.689 absolutely right but it's not entirely 00:03:43.689 --> 00:03:46.569 clear that everybody actually does know 00:03:46.569 --> 00:03:48.280 how marriage used to be a lot of the 00:03:48.280 --> 00:03:51.489 things that we think are new were in 00:03:51.489 --> 00:03:53.859 fact extremely traditional whereas a lot 00:03:53.859 --> 00:03:55.329 of the things that we think are 00:03:55.329 --> 00:03:57.669 traditional were in fact very new and 00:03:57.669 --> 00:04:00.389 short-lived adventure inventions 00:04:00.389 --> 00:04:02.980 probably the best example of the latter 00:04:02.980 --> 00:04:05.049 is dual earner families you know the 00:04:05.049 --> 00:04:08.560 Ozzie and Harriet family of so-called 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:11.049 tradition was a very short-lived family 00:04:11.049 --> 00:04:13.959 form through most of history women were 00:04:13.959 --> 00:04:15.849 Co providers for their family they not 00:04:15.849 --> 00:04:17.769 only brought home half the bacon they 00:04:17.769 --> 00:04:19.509 raised the pig and butchered it and took 00:04:19.509 --> 00:04:23.229 it to market the idea that men were 00:04:23.229 --> 00:04:25.449 breadwinners was unknown in colonial 00:04:25.449 --> 00:04:27.610 days women were called yoke Medes yoke 00:04:27.610 --> 00:04:30.639 mates and meat helps this invention of 00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:32.409 the ideal of the male breadwinner only 00:04:32.409 --> 00:04:34.810 came in the 19th century and then it was 00:04:34.810 --> 00:04:36.580 an ideal that was only attained by a 00:04:36.580 --> 00:04:38.650 tiny minority of families it wasn't 00:04:38.650 --> 00:04:41.500 until the 1920s because even when the 00:04:41.500 --> 00:04:43.300 woman stayed home they sent the kids out 00:04:43.300 --> 00:04:46.930 to work so in the 1920s a tiny majority 00:04:46.930 --> 00:04:49.120 of families actually ended up being one 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:51.250 where the bulk of the income was brought 00:04:51.250 --> 00:04:52.990 by the man the wife wasn't working 00:04:52.990 --> 00:04:55.030 beside him in a business or a farm and 00:04:55.030 --> 00:04:57.039 the kids weren't out at labor that 00:04:57.039 --> 00:04:59.800 receded in the 30s and 40s it roared 00:04:59.800 --> 00:05:02.680 back in the 1950s lasted about 15 years 00:05:02.680 --> 00:05:04.030 it's probably the most untraditional 00:05:04.030 --> 00:05:07.210 family form that you can think of what 00:05:07.210 --> 00:05:09.159 about the things that we think of as new 00:05:09.159 --> 00:05:11.080 but that are in fact traditional well 00:05:11.080 --> 00:05:12.789 the most obvious example of that is one 00:05:12.789 --> 00:05:15.190 parent families one parent families were 00:05:15.190 --> 00:05:16.720 the norm throughout most of history 00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:20.380 because of high death rates in the 19th 00:05:20.380 --> 00:05:21.820 cent the beginning of the 19th century 00:05:21.820 --> 00:05:25.240 the majority of marriages were ended by 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:27.760 death ten years before the last child 00:05:27.760 --> 00:05:29.650 was ready to leave home and it wasn't 00:05:29.650 --> 00:05:32.810 actually until the 1970s that more key 00:05:32.810 --> 00:05:34.880 became likely to experience a parent's 00:05:34.880 --> 00:05:36.740 divorce before they left their teen 00:05:36.740 --> 00:05:39.350 years then experienced a parent's death 00:05:39.350 --> 00:05:41.240 as a result of that step families 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:44.720 another non-traditional form in fact was 00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:47.180 about the most traditional form that you 00:05:47.180 --> 00:05:50.780 can imagine and in fact many step 00:05:50.780 --> 00:05:53.060 families of the past had many more 00:05:53.060 --> 00:05:54.889 problems than the ones that we tend to 00:05:54.889 --> 00:05:57.620 think of today because marriage as I'll 00:05:57.620 --> 00:06:00.400 talk about later was not about love and 00:06:00.400 --> 00:06:03.290 individual relationships who most of the 00:06:03.290 --> 00:06:05.720 past but about property and power you 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:09.590 have all of these legends you know the 00:06:09.590 --> 00:06:11.450 Cinderella legend the wicked stepmother 00:06:11.450 --> 00:06:14.990 stories had a real basis in fact because 00:06:14.990 --> 00:06:17.780 the stepfather stepmother might well try 00:06:17.780 --> 00:06:20.660 to kill the kids from a previous or at 00:06:20.660 --> 00:06:22.250 least get rid of them somehow from a 00:06:22.250 --> 00:06:23.900 previous marriage in order to make sure 00:06:23.900 --> 00:06:25.880 that the property went to their side of 00:06:25.880 --> 00:06:28.520 the family you know today the problems 00:06:28.520 --> 00:06:30.979 in step families arise usually because 00:06:30.979 --> 00:06:33.860 the new parent wants the that love to 00:06:33.860 --> 00:06:36.050 develop too fast and she or he pushes it 00:06:36.050 --> 00:06:37.700 too fast you know Cinderella would have 00:06:37.700 --> 00:06:39.200 said boy I'll settle for that kind of 00:06:39.200 --> 00:06:43.610 problem as for divorce this is also not 00:06:43.610 --> 00:06:45.140 new there have been many times in 00:06:45.140 --> 00:06:47.479 history when divorce rates have been as 00:06:47.479 --> 00:06:49.370 high as they are today in 20th century 00:06:49.370 --> 00:06:53.510 Indonesia and Malaysia in many hunting 00:06:53.510 --> 00:06:55.580 and gathering societies among the 00:06:55.580 --> 00:06:58.160 Shoshoni Indians a woman who wanted a 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.320 divorce would simply put her husband's 00:07:00.320 --> 00:07:02.210 possessions outside the dwelling and 00:07:02.210 --> 00:07:04.130 when he came home he'd say oh okay I 00:07:04.130 --> 00:07:07.600 guess this marriage is over 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:10.660 in Japan a man had to write a letter of 00:07:10.660 --> 00:07:12.730 just three-and-a-half lines it had to be 00:07:12.730 --> 00:07:14.980 exactly that you know I kind of a haiku 00:07:14.980 --> 00:07:18.490 would divorce haiku that in order to get 00:07:18.490 --> 00:07:20.740 a marriage and a woman had to put in 00:07:20.740 --> 00:07:23.110 however two years of special service at 00:07:23.110 --> 00:07:25.030 a temple we tend to think of the 00:07:25.030 --> 00:07:27.760 Christian tradition as being very anti 00:07:27.760 --> 00:07:29.800 divorce and in fact Jesus was the first 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:31.630 religious leader to prohibit divorce 00:07:31.630 --> 00:07:34.630 equally to men as well as to women but 00:07:34.630 --> 00:07:36.970 for the first ten centuries of its 00:07:36.970 --> 00:07:38.830 existence the church didn't enforce this 00:07:38.830 --> 00:07:41.740 very much in and even when they did 00:07:41.740 --> 00:07:44.500 begin to divorce for example in the 00:07:44.500 --> 00:07:46.780 first three or four centuries there were 00:07:46.780 --> 00:07:49.090 many regions where churches had an early 00:07:49.090 --> 00:07:50.710 version of no-fault divorce you just 00:07:50.710 --> 00:07:52.150 signed a little statement saying that 00:07:52.150 --> 00:07:54.550 because we can no longer because we 00:07:54.550 --> 00:07:56.590 affirmed before God that we can no 00:07:56.590 --> 00:07:58.300 longer live together in harmony will 00:07:58.300 --> 00:08:00.820 part and even after the church began to 00:08:00.820 --> 00:08:03.190 tighten its regulations on this there 00:08:03.190 --> 00:08:04.720 were two ways to get out of a marriage 00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:07.630 that that I was researching for this new 00:08:07.630 --> 00:08:09.250 book and that I thought were kind of 00:08:09.250 --> 00:08:13.210 amusing the first was generally what the 00:08:13.210 --> 00:08:15.460 upper-class did now in those days the 00:08:15.460 --> 00:08:17.710 church had a very peculiar definition of 00:08:17.710 --> 00:08:21.400 incest that if you were related to the 00:08:21.400 --> 00:08:24.280 seventh degree removed it was incestuous 00:08:24.280 --> 00:08:25.600 and you couldn't marry in other words if 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:26.790 you have the same 00:08:26.790 --> 00:08:27.790 great-great-great-great 00:08:27.790 --> 00:08:32.409 great-grandfather and who didn't in the 00:08:32.409 --> 00:08:35.500 medieval world you were technically in 00:08:35.500 --> 00:08:37.479 violation of the incest rules so people 00:08:37.479 --> 00:08:39.099 just married all the time and violation 00:08:39.099 --> 00:08:41.080 of incest rules and particularly the 00:08:41.080 --> 00:08:43.030 upper classes who wanted to consolidate 00:08:43.030 --> 00:08:44.680 property and marry customs and then if 00:08:44.680 --> 00:08:46.210 they wanted to divorce they would simply 00:08:46.210 --> 00:08:49.920 say ah my conscience is killing me 00:08:49.920 --> 00:08:53.320 turned out I'm married to my cousin it's 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:55.300 incestuous you got it in the you know 00:08:55.300 --> 00:08:57.400 the church would usually say okay the 00:08:57.400 --> 00:08:59.260 lower class didn't have as much access 00:08:59.260 --> 00:09:02.430 to divorce but they had an interesting 00:09:02.430 --> 00:09:04.810 outlet that might have been a little 00:09:04.810 --> 00:09:07.060 more common than we realize because the 00:09:07.060 --> 00:09:08.410 church also had an interesting position 00:09:08.410 --> 00:09:10.810 that again violates most of our notions 00:09:10.810 --> 00:09:13.360 about traditional marriage the church 00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:15.370 did not demand that marriage take place 00:09:15.370 --> 00:09:18.310 in a church or be blessed by a priest or 00:09:18.310 --> 00:09:20.080 anything like that and in fact through 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:21.290 most of history marriage 00:09:21.290 --> 00:09:23.420 the relationship between families it 00:09:23.420 --> 00:09:25.339 wasn't enforced by church or state not 00:09:25.339 --> 00:09:28.279 til 1754 did the England require a 00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:31.040 license to get married well an early 00:09:31.040 --> 00:09:33.769 Pope said you know maybe we should make 00:09:33.769 --> 00:09:36.230 the validity of a marriage dependent on 00:09:36.230 --> 00:09:38.930 it happening in church but the tradition 00:09:38.930 --> 00:09:41.480 in the Roman Empire had been that if 00:09:41.480 --> 00:09:44.269 people live together and thought they 00:09:44.269 --> 00:09:45.829 were married then they were married and 00:09:45.829 --> 00:09:47.149 if they lived together and thought they 00:09:47.149 --> 00:09:48.199 weren't married then they weren't 00:09:48.199 --> 00:09:50.660 married there was no legal or formal 00:09:50.660 --> 00:09:53.029 requirement and so his advisors pointed 00:09:53.029 --> 00:09:54.410 out to them that if you made the 00:09:54.410 --> 00:09:56.180 validity of a marriage dependent on a 00:09:56.180 --> 00:09:57.980 Honda on it having them contracted in 00:09:57.980 --> 00:09:58.430 church 00:09:58.430 --> 00:10:00.620 the majority of Europeans would 00:10:00.620 --> 00:10:03.410 instantly end up illegitimate so the 00:10:03.410 --> 00:10:05.420 church took the position that you were 00:10:05.420 --> 00:10:08.060 married they would prefer it if you had 00:10:08.060 --> 00:10:10.009 bands and parental consent in a church 00:10:10.009 --> 00:10:12.259 marriage but if you said that you had 00:10:12.259 --> 00:10:14.329 exchanged words of consent out by the 00:10:14.329 --> 00:10:17.389 woodpile no witnesses no priest then you 00:10:17.389 --> 00:10:19.430 were married and the only way to get out 00:10:19.430 --> 00:10:21.259 of that and this is something that I 00:10:21.259 --> 00:10:23.120 found in my research a surprising number 00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:25.699 of people did was to say just like the 00:10:25.699 --> 00:10:28.130 upper bath Oh my conscience is killing 00:10:28.130 --> 00:10:31.010 me I know I've been living with will for 00:10:31.010 --> 00:10:33.680 the last five years but actually I 00:10:33.680 --> 00:10:35.899 exchanged words of consent six months 00:10:35.899 --> 00:10:38.449 earlier with John newtripper well in 00:10:38.449 --> 00:10:41.709 you've got to go live with him so 00:10:41.709 --> 00:10:44.269 divorce is not Lou and you know some 00:10:44.269 --> 00:10:46.339 people look back nostalgically to the 00:10:46.339 --> 00:10:48.980 days before no-fault divorce or the days 00:10:48.980 --> 00:10:50.750 before divorce at all but in most 00:10:50.750 --> 00:10:52.940 societies that didn't allow divorce all 00:10:52.940 --> 00:10:54.769 that meant is that when desertion 00:10:54.769 --> 00:10:56.449 happened women and children had no 00:10:56.449 --> 00:10:58.579 recourse to get alimony or child support 00:10:58.579 --> 00:11:02.180 and as for no-fault divorce there may 00:11:02.180 --> 00:11:03.410 have been some problems with its 00:11:03.410 --> 00:11:05.240 implementation but I don't think many 00:11:05.240 --> 00:11:06.920 people would like to go back to the 00:11:06.920 --> 00:11:09.769 kinds of cases that I found in the 30s 00:11:09.769 --> 00:11:10.459 and 40s 00:11:10.459 --> 00:11:13.069 the courts used to hold that in order to 00:11:13.069 --> 00:11:15.529 get a divorce both parties had to come 00:11:15.529 --> 00:11:17.720 to the marriage with clean hands that is 00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:20.329 no the one wanting the divorce couldn't 00:11:20.329 --> 00:11:22.220 have done anything to can now how 00:11:22.220 --> 00:11:24.100 realistic is that about real-life 00:11:24.100 --> 00:11:26.360 relationships so you would get cases 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:29.360 like the mauers in Oregon where the 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:31.699 judge admitted that the guy was so 00:11:31.699 --> 00:11:33.829 violent that his wife and child lived in 00:11:33.829 --> 00:11:34.780 fear 00:11:34.780 --> 00:11:37.720 the woman had twice throwing things 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:40.210 across the room and therefore since she 00:11:40.210 --> 00:11:41.950 didn't come to court with clean hands 00:11:41.950 --> 00:11:43.780 even though the marriage was totally 00:11:43.780 --> 00:11:44.380 miserable 00:11:44.380 --> 00:11:46.810 neither of them deserved relief from it 00:11:46.810 --> 00:11:49.150 and it's worth noting incidentally 00:11:49.150 --> 00:11:50.350 whatever the problems with no-fault 00:11:50.350 --> 00:11:52.360 divorce that in the five years after its 00:11:52.360 --> 00:11:54.580 introduction every state that adopted it 00:11:54.580 --> 00:11:57.670 experienced a 20% decline in the suicide 00:11:57.670 --> 00:12:00.100 rate of wives and an even bigger decline 00:12:00.100 --> 00:12:01.270 in the rate at which husbands were 00:12:01.270 --> 00:12:07.630 murdered by wives so as for the idea 00:12:07.630 --> 00:12:09.700 that sex outside marriage is something 00:12:09.700 --> 00:12:12.010 new you know every generation thinks it 00:12:12.010 --> 00:12:16.540 invented sex but in fact throughout most 00:12:16.540 --> 00:12:19.660 of history there was more adultery than 00:12:19.660 --> 00:12:21.340 there is today it was perfectly 00:12:21.340 --> 00:12:23.650 acceptable for men to have mistresses 00:12:23.650 --> 00:12:26.260 and prostitutes as late as the 18th 00:12:26.260 --> 00:12:28.990 century I found that when a wife didn't 00:12:28.990 --> 00:12:30.580 make a fuss about this which was very 00:12:30.580 --> 00:12:33.010 very rare it was so it was considered so 00:12:33.010 --> 00:12:34.900 inappropriate that her own family would 00:12:34.900 --> 00:12:37.270 write letters to her husband saying 00:12:37.270 --> 00:12:39.610 we're sorry she's behaving this way at 00:12:39.610 --> 00:12:43.210 the end of the 19th century on the the 00:12:43.210 --> 00:12:45.790 recourse to prostitutes by men in 00:12:45.790 --> 00:12:47.890 Victorian England and America was so 00:12:47.890 --> 00:12:49.480 great that there was an epidemic of 00:12:49.480 --> 00:12:51.520 venereal disease in respectable 00:12:51.520 --> 00:12:52.990 middle-class homes because they were 00:12:52.990 --> 00:12:55.600 bringing it home to them as for sex 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:57.790 outside marriage by politicians believe 00:12:57.790 --> 00:13:00.820 me Bill Clinton did not Ellie wait 00:13:00.820 --> 00:13:02.560 started with Thomas Jefferson we now 00:13:02.560 --> 00:13:03.400 know right 00:13:03.400 --> 00:13:05.620 it went through Grover Cleveland who was 00:13:05.620 --> 00:13:06.850 forced to admit that he probably 00:13:06.850 --> 00:13:08.950 fathered a child with a department store 00:13:08.950 --> 00:13:12.430 clerk he'd seduced so that the political 00:13:12.430 --> 00:13:14.680 diddy of the day was mama where's my POG 00:13:14.680 --> 00:13:17.870 onto the White House wha ha ha 00:13:17.870 --> 00:13:21.000 Warren Harding who not only had a 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:22.770 long-term affair with the wife of a 00:13:22.770 --> 00:13:24.630 family friend but fathered a child with 00:13:24.630 --> 00:13:27.150 a second mistress a teenage girl and of 00:13:27.150 --> 00:13:29.400 course John F Kennedy we now think that 00:13:29.400 --> 00:13:32.340 both Roosevelt and Eisenhower also had 00:13:32.340 --> 00:13:35.580 more discreet Affairs so sex outside 00:13:35.580 --> 00:13:38.220 marriage all of these kinds of things 00:13:38.220 --> 00:13:40.590 that we think are new are not in fact 00:13:40.590 --> 00:13:43.950 new and although for most of European 00:13:43.950 --> 00:13:46.110 and American history marriages were more 00:13:46.110 --> 00:13:48.450 stable than they are today one of the 00:13:48.450 --> 00:13:50.610 reasons they were stable was because 00:13:50.610 --> 00:13:53.400 they were not fair and they were not 00:13:53.400 --> 00:13:56.130 loving relationships husband and wife 00:13:56.130 --> 00:13:58.290 are ones that Anglo American law that 00:13:58.290 --> 00:14:01.500 was a that prevailed until the very end 00:14:01.500 --> 00:14:03.870 of the 19th century and that one is the 00:14:03.870 --> 00:14:07.050 husband he had the right to make all 00:14:07.050 --> 00:14:09.390 decisions for the family he owned and 00:14:09.390 --> 00:14:11.790 controlled all of the property even if 00:14:11.790 --> 00:14:13.890 the woman brought it from inheritance or 00:14:13.890 --> 00:14:16.230 it earned it herself and he they had the 00:14:16.230 --> 00:14:19.470 right to physically restrain his wife to 00:14:19.470 --> 00:14:22.230 Intel 1890s it was until 1897 that the 00:14:22.230 --> 00:14:24.390 British courts ruled that a man didn't 00:14:24.390 --> 00:14:25.860 have the right to imprison the wife in 00:14:25.860 --> 00:14:28.860 his home also had the right to beat his 00:14:28.860 --> 00:14:32.010 wife it was until 1864 that the first 00:14:32.010 --> 00:14:34.260 courts in America began to forbid that I 00:14:34.260 --> 00:14:36.690 did find one prohibition against wife 00:14:36.690 --> 00:14:38.580 abuse in my research and that was in 00:14:38.580 --> 00:14:41.250 16th century London wife of beating your 00:14:41.250 --> 00:14:42.900 wife was prohibited after 9:00 o'clock 00:14:42.900 --> 00:14:45.650 because it would wake the neighbors 00:14:45.650 --> 00:14:49.050 but these marriages were not harmonious 00:14:49.050 --> 00:14:51.360 in the past and nor did traditional 00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:54.210 marriages always protect kids you know 00:14:54.210 --> 00:14:56.160 sometimes we think that they did but 00:14:56.160 --> 00:14:58.980 actually through most of history the 00:14:58.980 --> 00:15:01.860 parents didn't sacrifice their kids kids 00:15:01.860 --> 00:15:04.470 sacrificed for their parents the put you 00:15:04.470 --> 00:15:06.750 know kids were kids were it was child 00:15:06.750 --> 00:15:08.970 labor that provided for the parents 00:15:08.970 --> 00:15:10.770 retirement and instead of saving up for 00:15:10.770 --> 00:15:12.690 the education parents pulled their kids 00:15:12.690 --> 00:15:16.260 out of school and although and right up 00:15:16.260 --> 00:15:18.720 until the 1940s we have a budget-- 00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:21.090 studies malnutrition studies hospital 00:15:21.090 --> 00:15:23.280 records that show that in many families 00:15:23.280 --> 00:15:24.840 that were actually does slightly 00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:27.360 officially above the poverty line there 00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:29.790 were in fact two standards of living in 00:15:29.790 --> 00:15:30.990 that family 00:15:30.990 --> 00:15:33.690 one considerably above the poverty line 00:15:33.690 --> 00:15:37.020 for the man who had protein medical care 00:15:37.020 --> 00:15:40.500 you know meet for dinner and even 00:15:40.500 --> 00:15:43.110 recreational money for beer and one 00:15:43.110 --> 00:15:45.149 considerably below it for the women and 00:15:45.149 --> 00:15:46.860 children that's no longer true in 00:15:46.860 --> 00:15:49.020 America partly because the woman's 00:15:49.020 --> 00:15:50.640 movement has made it possible for a 00:15:50.640 --> 00:15:52.620 woman to lead a marriage that is so 00:15:52.620 --> 00:15:54.899 unfair it remains so true in the rest of 00:15:54.899 --> 00:15:57.660 the world that in Africa and parts of 00:15:57.660 --> 00:16:00.029 Latin America a woman's biggest risk 00:16:00.029 --> 00:16:02.839 factor for AIDS is to be married and 00:16:02.839 --> 00:16:07.230 children in single female-headed 00:16:07.230 --> 00:16:09.029 families where the wife has where the 00:16:09.029 --> 00:16:12.600 woman has a job are often more likely to 00:16:12.600 --> 00:16:14.490 be well nourished and to get education 00:16:14.490 --> 00:16:17.640 than children in two-parent families 00:16:17.640 --> 00:16:20.130 where the wife doesn't control any of 00:16:20.130 --> 00:16:24.899 the income so these things I think lead 00:16:24.899 --> 00:16:26.580 us to suggest that perhaps we shouldn't 00:16:26.580 --> 00:16:29.070 romanticize the past but what is new 00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:31.950 what is new today the first thing is 00:16:31.950 --> 00:16:35.730 that marriage is today about love it's 00:16:35.730 --> 00:16:38.850 about a relationship and as I explained 00:16:38.850 --> 00:16:42.120 in a minute this is a very rare thing to 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:44.459 find in history and it was a very new 00:16:44.459 --> 00:16:47.010 invention and the second is that both 00:16:47.010 --> 00:16:50.040 men and women have the options not to 00:16:50.040 --> 00:16:53.070 marry or to leave a marriage that they 00:16:53.070 --> 00:16:56.310 find unfair or unloving and I will argue 00:16:56.310 --> 00:16:59.459 that this has created this tremendous 00:16:59.459 --> 00:17:03.779 historical paradox that the very things 00:17:03.779 --> 00:17:09.630 that have made marriage more wonderful 00:17:09.630 --> 00:17:11.790 more potentially fulfilling as a 00:17:11.790 --> 00:17:14.189 relationship have weakened marriage as 00:17:14.189 --> 00:17:16.920 an institution and vice versa the same 00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:18.480 things that have weakened marriage as an 00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:20.069 institution have strength it as a 00:17:20.069 --> 00:17:21.480 relationship what makes for a strong 00:17:21.480 --> 00:17:24.839 institution its rigid rules nobody has a 00:17:24.839 --> 00:17:26.368 choice you don't have a choice 00:17:26.368 --> 00:17:27.959 whether you're a citizen of the United 00:17:27.959 --> 00:17:30.450 States and have to obey its laws right I 00:17:30.450 --> 00:17:33.360 it you don't make individual exceptions 00:17:33.360 --> 00:17:36.030 you don't change the rules over time as 00:17:36.030 --> 00:17:37.650 someone ages well those things make for 00:17:37.650 --> 00:17:41.880 a very strong institution and if I may 00:17:41.880 --> 00:17:45.070 say so they make for a fairly crappy 00:17:45.070 --> 00:17:47.500 you know what makes a strong 00:17:47.500 --> 00:17:49.720 relationship that it's individualized 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:52.660 that it's negotiated that it's fair that 00:17:52.660 --> 00:17:55.440 you can change the rules that you can 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:59.020 change it as you grow older but all 00:17:59.020 --> 00:18:00.930 those things make for a less stable 00:18:00.930 --> 00:18:04.630 institution so what we have created as a 00:18:04.630 --> 00:18:07.450 result of these historic changes is that 00:18:07.450 --> 00:18:12.010 a marriage when it works is fairer more 00:18:12.010 --> 00:18:15.340 fulfilling more loving more passionate 00:18:15.340 --> 00:18:18.790 more intimate than any couple I studied 00:18:18.790 --> 00:18:20.920 in history would ever have dared to 00:18:20.920 --> 00:18:27.160 dream but it's also more optional it's 00:18:27.160 --> 00:18:30.670 more fragile it's less bearable when it 00:18:30.670 --> 00:18:33.610 doesn't live up to that potential it's 00:18:33.610 --> 00:18:36.430 hard to unfor me to to think of a way 00:18:36.430 --> 00:18:38.980 that you could keep the one and get rid 00:18:38.980 --> 00:18:42.580 of the other so how did we get here well 00:18:42.580 --> 00:18:44.770 as I said for thousands of years 00:18:44.770 --> 00:18:47.980 marriage was not about love we now 00:18:47.980 --> 00:18:49.750 believe that that contrary to the idea 00:18:49.750 --> 00:18:52.270 that marriage was invented to you know 00:18:52.270 --> 00:18:55.060 protect women or the feminist idea of 00:18:55.060 --> 00:18:58.660 the 70s the obverse that it was invented 00:18:58.660 --> 00:19:01.030 to oppress women marriage wasn't about 00:19:01.030 --> 00:19:02.950 the relationship between individual men 00:19:02.950 --> 00:19:05.290 and women at all it was a way of making 00:19:05.290 --> 00:19:08.290 connections between bands that had to be 00:19:08.290 --> 00:19:10.000 able to cooperate when they met each 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:10.600 other 00:19:10.600 --> 00:19:12.640 it was a way of turning strangers into 00:19:12.640 --> 00:19:15.880 relatives many languages have the words 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:18.070 like the ancient anglo-saxon word for 00:19:18.070 --> 00:19:21.940 wife the piece Weaver the maori of new 00:19:21.940 --> 00:19:24.460 zealand say you can cooperate with 00:19:24.460 --> 00:19:26.350 groups in many ways you can have rituals 00:19:26.350 --> 00:19:28.030 you can have dances you can have trading 00:19:28.030 --> 00:19:30.250 partners you can have feasts to get good 00:19:30.250 --> 00:19:32.230 relations but the strongest way to get a 00:19:32.230 --> 00:19:35.650 good relation is to make a link that 00:19:35.650 --> 00:19:37.210 produces a child with a foot in both 00:19:37.210 --> 00:19:40.630 camps so we believe now that marriage 00:19:40.630 --> 00:19:43.630 was invented to get in-laws of course 00:19:43.630 --> 00:19:46.350 that 00:19:47.010 --> 00:19:49.690 yeah I know nowadays we think goodness 00:19:49.690 --> 00:19:51.340 we want our in-laws out of our marriage 00:19:51.340 --> 00:19:53.019 and that that's yet another good example 00:19:53.019 --> 00:19:56.080 of the things that have improved 00:19:56.080 --> 00:19:57.970 marriage as a relationship the fact that 00:19:57.970 --> 00:19:59.350 your parents don't tell you who you have 00:19:59.350 --> 00:20:01.330 to marry and the in-laws can't intervene 00:20:01.330 --> 00:20:03.909 have also removed one of the sources of 00:20:03.909 --> 00:20:07.510 stability especially after you began to 00:20:07.510 --> 00:20:11.620 get more differences of wealth and power 00:20:11.620 --> 00:20:13.630 in a community you know if I was a 00:20:13.630 --> 00:20:16.330 member of a band and we had to we were 00:20:16.330 --> 00:20:19.179 going to exchange spouses you know I 00:20:19.179 --> 00:20:22.870 might send my son to marry you know from 00:20:22.870 --> 00:20:24.340 the other band and I could allow my son 00:20:24.340 --> 00:20:26.380 a little bit of choice in that as long 00:20:26.380 --> 00:20:28.149 as you know he knew he had to marry out 00:20:28.149 --> 00:20:30.250 or my daughter had to marry out but 00:20:30.250 --> 00:20:32.559 let's say now we're in a society where 00:20:32.559 --> 00:20:35.320 I'm one of the real upper classes or 00:20:35.320 --> 00:20:38.019 almost upper class in that I'm not going 00:20:38.019 --> 00:20:40.750 to let my son just marry anybody in that 00:20:40.750 --> 00:20:42.490 other group I want to marry someone 00:20:42.490 --> 00:20:46.990 equally or preferably more wealthy and 00:20:46.990 --> 00:20:50.019 powerful so at that point in history and 00:20:50.019 --> 00:20:51.820 it was really where the ancient 00:20:51.820 --> 00:20:54.159 civilizations begin to arise marriage 00:20:54.159 --> 00:20:57.990 becomes the center of intrigue and 00:20:57.990 --> 00:21:01.059 calculation and remain so for thousands 00:21:01.059 --> 00:21:02.799 of years I mean we look back at stories 00:21:02.799 --> 00:21:05.260 like Anthony and Cleopatra not a love 00:21:05.260 --> 00:21:08.919 story you know a self-interested power 00:21:08.919 --> 00:21:11.620 play by the to super power by by two 00:21:11.620 --> 00:21:13.960 individuals of the two superpowers of 00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:16.000 the world attempting to bring them 00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:18.610 together there's incest bigamy murder 00:21:18.610 --> 00:21:21.309 betrayal false paternity suits you name 00:21:21.309 --> 00:21:24.880 it everything I think but love for 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:27.220 thousands of years marriage was about 00:21:27.220 --> 00:21:29.799 making these political and economic 00:21:29.799 --> 00:21:32.110 alliances for the upper classes it was 00:21:32.110 --> 00:21:34.210 the way you consolidated property made 00:21:34.210 --> 00:21:37.659 business mergers I laid a claim to 00:21:37.659 --> 00:21:39.309 social status so that you could claim to 00:21:39.309 --> 00:21:41.380 rule yo you were descended from royalty 00:21:41.380 --> 00:21:43.750 on both sides was a way of concluding 00:21:43.750 --> 00:21:45.240 peace treaties and making military 00:21:45.240 --> 00:21:47.860 alliances for the middle classes it was 00:21:47.860 --> 00:21:49.830 also an economic and political 00:21:49.830 --> 00:21:52.600 calculation you know the debtor in 00:21:52.600 --> 00:21:55.380 Europe of course the dowry than a man 00:21:55.380 --> 00:21:57.480 and right up until the 18th century once 00:21:57.480 --> 00:22:00.540 they earn maybe God at marriage was the 00:22:00.540 --> 00:22:02.760 biggest it was usually the biggest 00:22:02.760 --> 00:22:04.770 infusion of cash and property would ever 00:22:04.770 --> 00:22:07.200 get at a single time so the dowry was of 00:22:07.200 --> 00:22:08.580 a lot more interest than the daughter 00:22:08.580 --> 00:22:12.870 and for women of course it was the way 00:22:12.870 --> 00:22:16.710 having a dowry was the way your parents 00:22:16.710 --> 00:22:18.510 brought you a little economic security 00:22:18.510 --> 00:22:21.660 so today of course we in we save up for 00:22:21.660 --> 00:22:23.100 college we try to send our kids to 00:22:23.100 --> 00:22:24.750 college to give them some Economic 00:22:24.750 --> 00:22:26.910 Security and one of the things that 00:22:26.910 --> 00:22:28.380 parents say is you don't have a choice 00:22:28.380 --> 00:22:30.150 about doing your homework when you're in 00:22:30.150 --> 00:22:32.160 high school you know because this is the 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:33.780 providing for your future well that's 00:22:33.780 --> 00:22:36.120 the way your parents felt about arranged 00:22:36.120 --> 00:22:37.440 marriages at the time you don't have a 00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:39.060 choice about who you marriage I'm 00:22:39.060 --> 00:22:41.310 providing for your future and often for 00:22:41.310 --> 00:22:44.490 ours as well and that's the way it goes 00:22:44.490 --> 00:22:47.720 even in the lower classes marriage was a 00:22:47.720 --> 00:22:50.340 practical matter you couldn't run a farm 00:22:50.340 --> 00:22:52.860 or a business by yourself you needed 00:22:52.860 --> 00:22:55.500 someone your neighbors were integrally 00:22:55.500 --> 00:22:57.150 concerned is this someone who's going to 00:22:57.150 --> 00:22:59.460 fit in with us and neighbors had a lot 00:22:59.460 --> 00:23:01.260 of say it turns out over who married 00:23:01.260 --> 00:23:03.030 whom your parents were also concerned 00:23:03.030 --> 00:23:04.380 what if you why don't why don't you 00:23:04.380 --> 00:23:05.970 marry this person because they have 00:23:05.970 --> 00:23:07.470 connections at court or they have a 00:23:07.470 --> 00:23:09.510 relative where their land holdings are 00:23:09.510 --> 00:23:12.480 near to ours and so we find there too 00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:16.290 that even in even where individuals had 00:23:16.290 --> 00:23:17.730 choice they were more likely to choose 00:23:17.730 --> 00:23:20.190 someone who was a good work partner than 00:23:20.190 --> 00:23:22.350 somebody you know who they weren't madly 00:23:22.350 --> 00:23:25.140 in love with so for centuries what's 00:23:25.140 --> 00:23:26.670 love got to do with it could have been 00:23:26.670 --> 00:23:29.970 the theme song for most marriages now 00:23:29.970 --> 00:23:32.280 that people didn't fall in love but it's 00:23:32.280 --> 00:23:33.990 no accident that most love stories 00:23:33.990 --> 00:23:35.360 throughout history were tragedies 00:23:35.360 --> 00:23:37.650 married wasn't the happy ending to a 00:23:37.650 --> 00:23:39.510 love story it was usually the unhappy 00:23:39.510 --> 00:23:42.000 ending to a love story when people came 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:43.560 to terms with what their parents would 00:23:43.560 --> 00:23:45.390 or what their needs were and got married 00:23:45.390 --> 00:23:48.380 and then about two hundred years ago 00:23:48.380 --> 00:23:52.350 some circles in Europe and America in 00:23:52.350 --> 00:23:55.620 the process of the Enlightenment and the 00:23:55.620 --> 00:23:58.380 French and American revolutions began to 00:23:58.380 --> 00:24:00.180 spread the radical idea that had been 00:24:00.180 --> 00:24:01.789 broached occasional 00:24:01.789 --> 00:24:04.970 a tentatively the beginning to spread 00:24:04.970 --> 00:24:07.369 over the last couple hundred years but 00:24:07.369 --> 00:24:11.269 never had one out you know never the 00:24:11.269 --> 00:24:14.450 idea was by the 16th and 17th century 00:24:14.450 --> 00:24:15.769 people were saying well maybe you should 00:24:15.769 --> 00:24:17.269 marry someone you could learn to love 00:24:17.269 --> 00:24:19.879 but marrying someone just for love not a 00:24:19.879 --> 00:24:22.639 good idea in the 18th century especially 00:24:22.639 --> 00:24:24.109 the Enlightenment had a big influence 00:24:24.109 --> 00:24:26.570 here the idea that the state and the 00:24:26.570 --> 00:24:28.369 older generation shouldn't dictate to 00:24:28.369 --> 00:24:30.590 young people they should maybe be able 00:24:30.590 --> 00:24:32.470 to choose their partners for themselves 00:24:32.470 --> 00:24:35.359 combine that with the radical idea of 00:24:35.359 --> 00:24:36.859 the French Revolution I mean in front 00:24:36.859 --> 00:24:38.779 American Revolution Declaration of 00:24:38.779 --> 00:24:41.479 Independence pursuit of happiness people 00:24:41.479 --> 00:24:43.220 had a right to the pursuit of happiness 00:24:43.220 --> 00:24:46.999 and you get this new idea that people 00:24:46.999 --> 00:24:48.259 should choose their own marriage 00:24:48.259 --> 00:24:50.330 partners and they should do so on the 00:24:50.330 --> 00:24:52.549 basis of what would make them happy they 00:24:52.549 --> 00:24:54.679 should do so on the basis of love and 00:24:54.679 --> 00:24:57.289 one of the funny amusing things to me 00:24:57.289 --> 00:24:58.789 and researching this that I didn't 00:24:58.789 --> 00:25:01.609 realize was that traditionalists of the 00:25:01.609 --> 00:25:03.710 day social conservatives of the day 00:25:03.710 --> 00:25:05.450 defenders of what was then the 00:25:05.450 --> 00:25:07.159 traditional marriage of political and 00:25:07.159 --> 00:25:11.419 economic calculation were horrified they 00:25:11.419 --> 00:25:13.210 thought that this was going to be a 00:25:13.210 --> 00:25:14.450 disaster 00:25:14.450 --> 00:25:17.149 you've opened a Pandora's box they said 00:25:17.149 --> 00:25:18.769 look if you say that marriage should be 00:25:18.769 --> 00:25:20.570 about love how are you going to get the 00:25:20.570 --> 00:25:22.220 right people to marry each other one of 00:25:22.220 --> 00:25:24.609 the most am I don't love him you know 00:25:24.609 --> 00:25:27.679 how will we make our you know our social 00:25:27.679 --> 00:25:30.950 status work how will we prevent the 00:25:30.950 --> 00:25:33.379 wrong people from demanding the right to 00:25:33.379 --> 00:25:35.749 marry and today of course that is 00:25:35.749 --> 00:25:37.909 playing out over demands for gay and 00:25:37.909 --> 00:25:39.799 lesbian marriage but at the time they 00:25:39.799 --> 00:25:41.779 didn't want poor people to marry you 00:25:41.779 --> 00:25:43.039 know today we say oh let's marry them 00:25:43.039 --> 00:25:44.389 off and that'll somehow solve their 00:25:44.389 --> 00:25:47.029 poverty they said no let's not allow 00:25:47.029 --> 00:25:48.830 them to marry or reproduce and that'll 00:25:48.830 --> 00:25:50.899 somehow solve their poverty so they said 00:25:50.899 --> 00:25:53.359 what do you do if to poor people fall in 00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:56.599 love and demand the right to marry what 00:25:56.599 --> 00:25:59.659 will we do about people who get married 00:25:59.659 --> 00:26:01.840 and then find that they're not happy 00:26:01.840 --> 00:26:04.249 won't they demand the right to divorce 00:26:04.249 --> 00:26:08.029 and even scarier for them at the time is 00:26:08.029 --> 00:26:09.799 what will happen to this male dominance 00:26:09.799 --> 00:26:11.599 that has been there for so many 00:26:11.599 --> 00:26:13.730 thousands of years if you get people to 00:26:13.730 --> 00:26:14.509 marry for love 00:26:14.509 --> 00:26:16.309 won't men start giving in to their wives 00:26:16.309 --> 00:26:19.429 so they predicted basically that love 00:26:19.429 --> 00:26:22.239 would be the death of marriage and 00:26:22.239 --> 00:26:27.639 actually it turns out they had a boy but 00:26:27.639 --> 00:26:30.589 but it took another hundred and fifty 00:26:30.589 --> 00:26:32.779 years for the radical implications of 00:26:32.779 --> 00:26:35.059 that to play themselves out because the 00:26:35.059 --> 00:26:38.419 instant that the love match was invented 00:26:38.419 --> 00:26:42.529 people did begin to demand the right not 00:26:42.529 --> 00:26:45.049 to marry if they didn't fall in love and 00:26:45.049 --> 00:26:47.119 to get social respect for making that 00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:49.819 choice they began to demand the right to 00:26:49.819 --> 00:26:53.449 divorce if the marriage was loveless 00:26:53.449 --> 00:26:56.779 they began to question female 00:26:56.779 --> 00:27:00.249 subordination and they began to question 00:27:00.249 --> 00:27:02.779 but it's always been the dark side of 00:27:02.779 --> 00:27:04.759 the strong institution of marriage and 00:27:04.759 --> 00:27:06.859 that is the notion of illegitimate see I 00:27:06.859 --> 00:27:08.899 said earlier that we think marriage was 00:27:08.899 --> 00:27:11.119 invented to turn strangers into 00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:14.719 relatives but the flip side of marriage 00:27:14.719 --> 00:27:17.269 illegitimate see was invented to turn 00:27:17.269 --> 00:27:20.059 relatives into strangers and throughout 00:27:20.059 --> 00:27:23.449 the centuries millions of gets lost all 00:27:23.449 --> 00:27:26.659 access to their husband to it to our 00:27:26.659 --> 00:27:28.459 mother and father because the husband 00:27:28.459 --> 00:27:29.929 and mother were not in an improved 00:27:29.929 --> 00:27:32.719 marriage so people began to question 00:27:32.719 --> 00:27:35.659 that it's no accident that illegitimate 00:27:35.659 --> 00:27:37.309 children were called love children 00:27:37.309 --> 00:27:39.979 people we began to say why do we have 00:27:39.979 --> 00:27:42.019 these penalties for legitimacy if they 00:27:42.019 --> 00:27:44.839 were conceived in love all of those 00:27:44.839 --> 00:27:47.449 things were raised the instant that the 00:27:47.449 --> 00:27:49.399 love match was raised so conservatives 00:27:49.399 --> 00:27:51.289 were right to be frightened but it took 00:27:51.289 --> 00:27:53.299 a hundred and fifty years on to play 00:27:53.299 --> 00:27:56.839 themselves out first of all in the 19th 00:27:56.839 --> 00:27:59.479 century they developed what they were 00:27:59.479 --> 00:28:01.669 very concerned about this because there 00:28:01.669 --> 00:28:04.309 was a wave of women's movements and 00:28:04.309 --> 00:28:08.239 demands for divorce in in France America 00:28:08.239 --> 00:28:10.669 Europe across even demands for 00:28:10.669 --> 00:28:12.649 legitimation of gay and lesbian unions 00:28:12.649 --> 00:28:13.999 they didn't call them marriage but they 00:28:13.999 --> 00:28:15.469 said if people love each other you know 00:28:15.469 --> 00:28:17.449 we should recognize a valid relationship 00:28:17.449 --> 00:28:19.579 France developed the slogan there are no 00:28:19.579 --> 00:28:21.440 bastards in France they wanted to get 00:28:21.440 --> 00:28:23.510 rid of illegitimate 00:28:23.510 --> 00:28:26.059 in America there were demands for 00:28:26.059 --> 00:28:28.490 equality within marriage and free choice 00:28:28.490 --> 00:28:31.010 and the right to remain single but these 00:28:31.010 --> 00:28:33.380 were pushed back in the 19th century by 00:28:33.380 --> 00:28:36.110 a combination of I'm almost conscious 00:28:36.110 --> 00:28:39.950 campaign to redefine love and marriage 00:28:39.950 --> 00:28:41.570 in ways that made it a little more 00:28:41.570 --> 00:28:44.360 manageable and that was this new idea 00:28:44.360 --> 00:28:46.940 about the separation of spheres and that 00:28:46.940 --> 00:28:50.269 that now men were considered not to be 00:28:50.269 --> 00:28:52.250 in charge of women but they were 00:28:52.250 --> 00:28:54.649 considered so different that own that 00:28:54.649 --> 00:28:56.539 men and women were only halfway human 00:28:56.539 --> 00:28:58.730 beings without each other that men were 00:28:58.730 --> 00:29:00.980 the ones the only ones who could go out 00:29:00.980 --> 00:29:03.049 and bring home the bacon you know in 00:29:03.049 --> 00:29:05.029 contrary to you know thousands of years 00:29:05.029 --> 00:29:07.309 of evidence to the contrary this new 00:29:07.309 --> 00:29:09.139 idea developed that they should be the 00:29:09.139 --> 00:29:10.880 ones who protected women and women 00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:13.220 should stay home women by contrast were 00:29:13.220 --> 00:29:15.710 the ones in charge of nurturing men 00:29:15.710 --> 00:29:17.659 weren't capable of that contrary to 00:29:17.659 --> 00:29:19.580 thousands of years of evidence to the 00:29:19.580 --> 00:29:21.320 contrary where men were the ones who 00:29:21.320 --> 00:29:23.090 remembered birthdays and organized 00:29:23.090 --> 00:29:26.000 funerals and weddings so these new ideas 00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:28.220 about strict gender roles women 00:29:28.220 --> 00:29:31.700 passionless sexless again contrary to 00:29:31.700 --> 00:29:33.649 the medieval idea that women were the 00:29:33.649 --> 00:29:36.529 more sexual sex these kind of developed 00:29:36.529 --> 00:29:39.380 to create a sense that men and women 00:29:39.380 --> 00:29:43.610 could only reach humanity by combining 00:29:43.610 --> 00:29:46.639 in marriage it looks we look back at 00:29:46.639 --> 00:29:47.870 those Victorian marriages and 00:29:47.870 --> 00:29:50.690 romanticize them they were very stable 00:29:50.690 --> 00:29:53.450 and they did have a lot of you know sort 00:29:53.450 --> 00:29:55.700 of sentimental rhetoric around them but 00:29:55.700 --> 00:29:56.899 actually when you scratch the surface 00:29:56.899 --> 00:29:59.059 they were often quite unhappy because 00:29:59.059 --> 00:30:01.220 this new definition of men and women as 00:30:01.220 --> 00:30:04.010 polar opposites didn't exactly foster 00:30:04.010 --> 00:30:07.370 intimacy in marriage you know women 00:30:07.370 --> 00:30:09.500 often refer to men as the grosser sex 00:30:09.500 --> 00:30:12.169 they were terrified of marriage do to 00:30:12.169 --> 00:30:15.010 get with this guy and men for their part 00:30:15.010 --> 00:30:17.960 really didn't know how to deal with you 00:30:17.960 --> 00:30:21.200 know these virginal pure angels in the 00:30:21.200 --> 00:30:23.630 house and often expressed considerable 00:30:23.630 --> 00:30:26.120 discomfort about how to be around them 00:30:26.120 --> 00:30:27.980 that prostitutes were better company 00:30:27.980 --> 00:30:29.659 than the kind of woman that they'd like 00:30:29.659 --> 00:30:31.669 to marry and there were all sorts of 00:30:31.669 --> 00:30:34.340 sexual tensions in Victorian marriage so 00:30:34.340 --> 00:30:36.870 until you had a sexual revolution 00:30:36.870 --> 00:30:40.890 18 20s that particular part of radical 00:30:40.890 --> 00:30:42.720 implication of the love match could not 00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:46.250 play itself out also of course you had 00:30:46.250 --> 00:30:49.440 unreliable birth control and despite the 00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:51.690 attempt of France to outlaw legitimacy 00:30:51.690 --> 00:30:54.090 the strong penalties for legitimacy 00:30:54.090 --> 00:30:58.010 remained in in play until the nineteen 00:30:58.010 --> 00:31:00.360 1960s and 1970s most people don't 00:31:00.360 --> 00:31:02.280 realize this but until it Court Supreme 00:31:02.280 --> 00:31:07.350 Court decision in 1968 a child who was 00:31:07.350 --> 00:31:09.390 born to and raised by an unmarried 00:31:09.390 --> 00:31:13.020 mother did not have any right to collect 00:31:13.020 --> 00:31:15.480 on her debts if she died didn't have no 00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:17.970 claim on her family for inheritance and 00:31:17.970 --> 00:31:20.970 if she was killed by the wrongful act of 00:31:20.970 --> 00:31:22.920 an employer or someone else could not 00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:24.059 sue for damages 00:31:24.059 --> 00:31:26.370 so the harsh penalties against 00:31:26.370 --> 00:31:29.070 illegitimate C and the unreliability of 00:31:29.070 --> 00:31:31.590 birth control prevented the radical 00:31:31.590 --> 00:31:33.240 implications of the love match from 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:35.610 playing out there furthermore there was 00:31:35.610 --> 00:31:37.950 the ability of elites and employers to 00:31:37.950 --> 00:31:40.380 dictate behavior so even though people 00:31:40.380 --> 00:31:42.300 were more and more talking about the 00:31:42.300 --> 00:31:43.860 idea that you ought to be able to 00:31:43.860 --> 00:31:45.960 divorce if you wanted to and that love 00:31:45.960 --> 00:31:47.670 match you know was more important that 00:31:47.670 --> 00:31:49.380 actual love was more important than a 00:31:49.380 --> 00:31:51.570 marriage license you could get penalized 00:31:51.570 --> 00:31:55.080 terribly right up until the 1950s men 00:31:55.080 --> 00:31:57.090 who were not married by a respectable 00:31:57.090 --> 00:31:58.890 age or who were divorced could be denied 00:31:58.890 --> 00:32:01.290 promotions and employment and of course 00:32:01.290 --> 00:32:03.090 women were just ostracized if they had a 00:32:03.090 --> 00:32:04.890 baby they did have babies out of wedlock 00:32:04.890 --> 00:32:06.420 but they usually put them up for 00:32:06.420 --> 00:32:07.860 adoption or went and went away and 00:32:07.860 --> 00:32:10.770 pretended nothing had happened and then 00:32:10.770 --> 00:32:13.410 of course there was the legal authority 00:32:13.410 --> 00:32:16.200 of men in marriage despite the fact that 00:32:16.200 --> 00:32:19.380 by the light 19th century violence was 00:32:19.380 --> 00:32:23.160 not acceptable and women began and 00:32:23.160 --> 00:32:25.410 gained their own property rights most 00:32:25.410 --> 00:32:26.910 people don't realize that right up until 00:32:26.910 --> 00:32:29.370 the 1970s most states in this country 00:32:29.370 --> 00:32:32.160 and had head and master laws and all of 00:32:32.160 --> 00:32:34.050 Western Europe did which gave men the 00:32:34.050 --> 00:32:36.540 final right to make the say they have 00:32:36.540 --> 00:32:37.980 the final decision about most things 00:32:37.980 --> 00:32:40.679 that went on in the home and marriage 00:32:40.679 --> 00:32:43.920 was defined very unequally that men but 00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:45.780 not women had a duty to support the 00:32:45.780 --> 00:32:48.780 family women but not men have the duty 00:32:48.780 --> 00:32:50.520 to take care of the kids 00:32:50.520 --> 00:32:52.710 do the housekeeping and provide sex 00:32:52.710 --> 00:32:55.200 which is why wasn't it all the 1980s 00:32:55.200 --> 00:32:57.210 that it was possible to say that marital 00:32:57.210 --> 00:32:59.460 rape was a crime if you were raped even 00:32:59.460 --> 00:33:01.650 violently by her husband you had no 00:33:01.650 --> 00:33:03.690 recourse up until then because the legal 00:33:03.690 --> 00:33:05.340 definition of marriage was that once 00:33:05.340 --> 00:33:07.380 you'd said I do you'd said I will 00:33:07.380 --> 00:33:10.680 forever so as long as that legal 00:33:10.680 --> 00:33:12.990 authority of men in marriage prevailed 00:33:12.990 --> 00:33:16.920 it was again a consent of tenth tamped 00:33:16.920 --> 00:33:19.080 down the implicate the radical 00:33:19.080 --> 00:33:20.790 implications of the love match and then 00:33:20.790 --> 00:33:23.610 above all the thing that really held in 00:33:23.610 --> 00:33:25.530 check was the economic dependence of 00:33:25.530 --> 00:33:28.560 women on men so that you know we tend to 00:33:28.560 --> 00:33:30.180 think that that women are the more 00:33:30.180 --> 00:33:32.430 romantic sex but actually it was men who 00:33:32.430 --> 00:33:34.350 were able to embrace the love revolution 00:33:34.350 --> 00:33:36.660 first and in the 19th century I read 00:33:36.660 --> 00:33:39.510 diaries and letters and the men are like 00:33:39.510 --> 00:33:41.220 oh I'm just madly in love with this 00:33:41.220 --> 00:33:43.500 woman I can't wait to marry her and the 00:33:43.500 --> 00:33:46.410 women are like well you know my heart 00:33:46.410 --> 00:33:49.740 inclines to Harry but you know John over 00:33:49.740 --> 00:33:51.990 there has got better economic prospects 00:33:51.990 --> 00:33:54.840 it's late as 1967 there was a college a 00:33:54.840 --> 00:33:56.880 poll of college students in America and 00:33:56.880 --> 00:33:59.550 they found that only 5% of the men but 00:33:59.550 --> 00:34:01.080 two-thirds of the women said they would 00:34:01.080 --> 00:34:02.910 consider marrying someone they didn't 00:34:02.910 --> 00:34:05.510 love if he met all their other criteria 00:34:05.510 --> 00:34:08.639 well in the last thirty years all of 00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:10.949 those things have been swept away we 00:34:10.949 --> 00:34:13.679 have reliable birth control we have 00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:14.699 destroyed 00:34:14.699 --> 00:34:17.100 we have abolished the old penalties for 00:34:17.100 --> 00:34:19.489 a legitimacy important humanitarian 00:34:19.489 --> 00:34:22.649 reform but one that has weakened the 00:34:22.649 --> 00:34:24.690 ability of marriage to dictate people's 00:34:24.690 --> 00:34:26.510 lives in the distribution of resources 00:34:26.510 --> 00:34:30.929 we have told people that they cannot 00:34:30.929 --> 00:34:32.760 discriminate on the basis of personal 00:34:32.760 --> 00:34:34.739 behavior that we use objective behavior 00:34:34.739 --> 00:34:36.179 to decide whether you can get into 00:34:36.179 --> 00:34:37.500 college or whether you're going to be 00:34:37.500 --> 00:34:40.560 promoted at a job again decreasing the 00:34:40.560 --> 00:34:43.260 coercive power of elites we've removed 00:34:43.260 --> 00:34:46.770 the legal authority of men in marriage 00:34:46.770 --> 00:34:50.489 we've allowed women access to education 00:34:50.489 --> 00:34:53.040 and above all we've had women enter into 00:34:53.040 --> 00:34:55.080 the workforce in terms that make them 00:34:55.080 --> 00:34:57.870 more possible to be able to either 00:34:57.870 --> 00:35:00.900 refuse marriage even if they pregnant or 00:35:00.900 --> 00:35:04.170 to leave a marriage marriage has changed 00:35:04.170 --> 00:35:06.840 more in the last thirty years than the 00:35:06.840 --> 00:35:09.390 previous three thousand five hundred it 00:35:09.390 --> 00:35:13.560 is a worldwide irreversible revolution 00:35:13.560 --> 00:35:14.760 that I've come to think of as the 00:35:14.760 --> 00:35:16.850 equivalent of the Industrial Revolution 00:35:16.850 --> 00:35:20.370 and like the Industrial Revolution it 00:35:20.370 --> 00:35:23.640 really shook things up you know I mean 00:35:23.640 --> 00:35:26.250 the Industrial Revolution has had some 00:35:26.250 --> 00:35:28.860 long-term benefits of course but at the 00:35:28.860 --> 00:35:31.440 time there were lots of tragedies you 00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:33.900 know for every individual who found a 00:35:33.900 --> 00:35:37.110 new way to to move out of the pack and 00:35:37.110 --> 00:35:39.570 develop a new entrepreneurial success 00:35:39.570 --> 00:35:43.050 there were a dozen who lost their old 00:35:43.050 --> 00:35:44.880 ways of living and were displaced from 00:35:44.880 --> 00:35:47.280 their farms and had to go into dangerous 00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:51.540 factories but you know you really didn't 00:35:51.540 --> 00:35:53.400 have a choice you couldn't say well 00:35:53.400 --> 00:35:54.960 we're going to shoehorn everybody back 00:35:54.960 --> 00:35:57.480 onto self-sufficient farms you had to 00:35:57.480 --> 00:35:59.250 say well look if we don't like the way 00:35:59.250 --> 00:36:00.690 this is working this industrial 00:36:00.690 --> 00:36:05.190 revolution we have to find new routes to 00:36:05.190 --> 00:36:07.020 self-employment for people because the 00:36:07.020 --> 00:36:09.750 old ways are gone and we have to 00:36:09.750 --> 00:36:11.220 recognize that corporations and 00:36:11.220 --> 00:36:13.530 factories are here to stay so instead of 00:36:13.530 --> 00:36:15.510 you know sitting around cursing at them 00:36:15.510 --> 00:36:19.050 we need to reform them right well I 00:36:19.050 --> 00:36:21.570 would say the analogy is completely 00:36:21.570 --> 00:36:24.930 holds for this change in in marriage we 00:36:24.930 --> 00:36:28.320 there is no way we will shoehorn people 00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:31.740 back into lifelong universal early 00:36:31.740 --> 00:36:33.860 marriage where we can be sure that all 00:36:33.860 --> 00:36:35.940 obligations will be contracted in 00:36:35.940 --> 00:36:38.580 marriage and all interdependencies will 00:36:38.580 --> 00:36:40.680 be taken care of and all child-rearing 00:36:40.680 --> 00:36:44.310 will take care of that there's no way 00:36:44.310 --> 00:36:46.320 we're going to actually be able to just 00:36:46.320 --> 00:36:48.780 completely ignore as we did for 00:36:48.780 --> 00:36:52.230 centuries the accidents that that were 00:36:52.230 --> 00:36:55.020 outside of marriage the rising you add 00:36:55.020 --> 00:36:56.790 these other changes that I've talked 00:36:56.790 --> 00:36:59.430 about to the rising age of marriage so 00:36:59.430 --> 00:37:01.860 that there's now a 10 to 15 year or 00:37:01.860 --> 00:37:05.520 longer period of sexual maturity between 00:37:05.520 --> 00:37:07.410 the time that people reach puberty and 00:37:07.410 --> 00:37:10.290 the time they get married no Society in 00:37:10.290 --> 00:37:12.090 history has ever kept young people 00:37:12.090 --> 00:37:14.880 celibate that long say marriage is no 00:37:14.880 --> 00:37:16.260 longer the only place for 00:37:16.260 --> 00:37:19.470 sex people get initiated into sex the 00:37:19.470 --> 00:37:22.950 separation of reproduction means that in 00:37:22.950 --> 00:37:27.390 that some people can have children who 00:37:27.390 --> 00:37:29.160 never would have been able to have them 00:37:29.160 --> 00:37:31.620 before which means that wonderful 00:37:31.620 --> 00:37:33.570 wonderful gain from married couples who 00:37:33.570 --> 00:37:35.520 are infertile but it also means it's 00:37:35.520 --> 00:37:37.470 next to impossible to prevent single 00:37:37.470 --> 00:37:39.570 women or gays and lesbians from having 00:37:39.570 --> 00:37:41.520 children it also means that more and 00:37:41.520 --> 00:37:43.860 more marriages are childless so that the 00:37:43.860 --> 00:37:46.320 old equation of marriage with childhood 00:37:46.320 --> 00:37:48.180 is broken down you add that the 00:37:48.180 --> 00:37:50.160 invention of consumer products that do 00:37:50.160 --> 00:37:51.810 away with the need of a full-time 00:37:51.810 --> 00:37:54.270 housewife and you have a situation where 00:37:54.270 --> 00:37:57.900 this is an irreversible change yes it 00:37:57.900 --> 00:38:02.130 causes lots of problems you know these 00:38:02.130 --> 00:38:05.250 shakeups are very disturbing you know 00:38:05.250 --> 00:38:06.540 and the entry of women into the 00:38:06.540 --> 00:38:09.000 workforce in a in a country that has 00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:12.150 unlike other the European countries has 00:38:12.150 --> 00:38:13.860 not caught up with these changes and 00:38:13.860 --> 00:38:15.990 doesn't have subsidized parental leave 00:38:15.990 --> 00:38:18.510 policies or good childcare this is a 00:38:18.510 --> 00:38:22.260 problem for people the new access to 00:38:22.260 --> 00:38:25.290 divorce yes some divorces deliver people 00:38:25.290 --> 00:38:27.390 from very difficult situations but in 00:38:27.390 --> 00:38:29.370 other cases they're very very painful 00:38:29.370 --> 00:38:31.500 and the kids and the adults alike go 00:38:31.500 --> 00:38:34.890 through agonizing changes remarriage and 00:38:34.890 --> 00:38:37.140 stepfamilies it's hard to blend a family 00:38:37.140 --> 00:38:39.570 the ability of women to say no to a 00:38:39.570 --> 00:38:42.780 shotgun marriage good in some ways but 00:38:42.780 --> 00:38:45.960 also creates economic burdens for them 00:38:45.960 --> 00:38:47.700 and of course it's really hard to raise 00:38:47.700 --> 00:38:51.210 a kid when you have one parent only you 00:38:51.210 --> 00:38:53.400 know having just got my own kid off to 00:38:53.400 --> 00:38:56.010 what is now a very successful college 00:38:56.010 --> 00:38:57.960 and post college career but he was a 00:38:57.960 --> 00:39:00.420 handful I you know think three or four 00:39:00.420 --> 00:39:03.510 good parents well would have been a help 00:39:03.510 --> 00:39:08.580 far less trying to do it as one but just 00:39:08.580 --> 00:39:10.410 as with the Industrial Revolution these 00:39:10.410 --> 00:39:13.290 changes are here to stay the question is 00:39:13.290 --> 00:39:16.950 not what we wish we could accomplish but 00:39:16.950 --> 00:39:19.410 how do we build on the gains that we 00:39:19.410 --> 00:39:21.840 have and there have been many gains you 00:39:21.840 --> 00:39:23.670 know for the in the position of women in 00:39:23.670 --> 00:39:25.890 the improvement of the relationship of 00:39:25.890 --> 00:39:28.530 marriage how do we minimize the losses 00:39:28.530 --> 00:39:30.090 and there have 00:39:30.090 --> 00:39:32.610 losses and challenges to us but that's 00:39:32.610 --> 00:39:35.430 the question not how do we turn the 00:39:35.430 --> 00:39:37.650 clock back and as it turns out once you 00:39:37.650 --> 00:39:41.070 ask that question there is exciting new 00:39:41.070 --> 00:39:43.620 research that shows that we can meet 00:39:43.620 --> 00:39:45.720 these challenges that dual earner 00:39:45.720 --> 00:39:48.330 families don't have to be so stressful 00:39:48.330 --> 00:39:51.360 and in fact although there is extra time 00:39:51.360 --> 00:39:53.370 there are real time management problems 00:39:53.370 --> 00:39:55.380 that when they have access to decent 00:39:55.380 --> 00:39:59.280 childcare or leaves these these there's 00:39:59.280 --> 00:40:01.500 less likelihood of depression than there 00:40:01.500 --> 00:40:03.570 is in more traditional male breadwinner 00:40:03.570 --> 00:40:07.740 families there is men whose wives work 00:40:07.740 --> 00:40:09.930 are much more likely to become hands-on 00:40:09.930 --> 00:40:12.030 fathers and that has tremendous benefits 00:40:12.030 --> 00:40:14.520 for the kids it raises boys who are more 00:40:14.520 --> 00:40:17.160 empathetic and it raises girls who are 00:40:17.160 --> 00:40:19.260 more likely to succeed especially in 00:40:19.260 --> 00:40:22.170 non-traditional fields even the use of 00:40:22.170 --> 00:40:24.870 child care is not bad when when you 00:40:24.870 --> 00:40:27.410 actually look at good child care it 00:40:27.410 --> 00:40:31.470 substitutes for the historical loss of 00:40:31.470 --> 00:40:33.780 all of these sources of non parental 00:40:33.780 --> 00:40:36.330 care and peer socialization outside of 00:40:36.330 --> 00:40:37.950 the families that we don't have in our 00:40:37.950 --> 00:40:40.590 commuter neighborhoods you know in our 00:40:40.590 --> 00:40:43.410 smaller families today and improves kids 00:40:43.410 --> 00:40:46.080 social and economic adjustment although 00:40:46.080 --> 00:40:49.950 I'm not good unregulated childcare does 00:40:49.950 --> 00:40:52.560 not do that we know how to make 00:40:52.560 --> 00:40:55.860 marriages work better there's lots of 00:40:55.860 --> 00:40:59.340 fascinating wonderful fun new research 00:40:59.340 --> 00:41:02.340 on how to make marriages work better but 00:41:02.340 --> 00:41:04.470 part of it has to do with weeding out 00:41:04.470 --> 00:41:06.390 incompatible couples before they get 00:41:06.390 --> 00:41:08.190 marriage so we're not going to get 00:41:08.190 --> 00:41:11.010 everybody back into marriage and we're 00:41:11.010 --> 00:41:13.710 not going to make divorce disappear it's 00:41:13.710 --> 00:41:15.870 been rising in a steady line ever since 00:41:15.870 --> 00:41:17.550 the invention of a love match and 00:41:17.550 --> 00:41:19.800 although it is leveled off the divorce 00:41:19.800 --> 00:41:22.410 rates actually come down by 26% since 00:41:22.410 --> 00:41:25.290 1981 there is still going to be divorced 00:41:25.290 --> 00:41:28.020 but we know how to teach people to 00:41:28.020 --> 00:41:30.450 divorce better and to minimize the 00:41:30.450 --> 00:41:32.370 damage that's associated with it that 00:41:32.370 --> 00:41:35.130 same is true for single parenthood we 00:41:35.130 --> 00:41:37.380 actually know what we can do to minimize 00:41:37.380 --> 00:41:40.470 the impacts of that little thing I'll 00:41:40.470 --> 00:41:42.690 just I can talk about these more on the 00:41:42.690 --> 00:41:43.250 question 00:41:43.250 --> 00:41:46.430 if you like but little things dolts and 00:41:46.430 --> 00:41:48.260 single-parent families actually read to 00:41:48.260 --> 00:41:50.000 and talk to their kids more than adults 00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:52.070 and two-parent families if you can 00:41:52.070 --> 00:41:54.140 harness that and channel it in 00:41:54.140 --> 00:41:56.450 productive ways and make sure that that 00:41:56.450 --> 00:41:59.300 talking doesn't become inappropriate 00:41:59.300 --> 00:42:02.270 like venting about things that the kids 00:42:02.270 --> 00:42:04.370 shouldn't know those kids can turn out 00:42:04.370 --> 00:42:06.800 just fine so I don't want to be a 00:42:06.800 --> 00:42:10.550 Pollyanna we do face real challenges but 00:42:10.550 --> 00:42:13.010 we have to be realists you're not going 00:42:13.010 --> 00:42:15.380 to turn the clock back so let's figure 00:42:15.380 --> 00:42:18.100 out how we can build on these 00:42:18.100 --> 00:42:21.560 possibilities how we can minimize the 00:42:21.560 --> 00:42:23.180 weaknesses that every family form 00:42:23.180 --> 00:42:25.580 including two-parent families you know 00:42:25.580 --> 00:42:27.830 male breadwinner families these families 00:42:27.830 --> 00:42:30.200 face tremendous stresses in our society 00:42:30.200 --> 00:42:33.110 today and they're not immune proof to 00:42:33.110 --> 00:42:35.810 divorce and how do we so how do we 00:42:35.810 --> 00:42:37.340 minimize the weaknesses and the 00:42:37.340 --> 00:42:39.260 vulnerabilities that every family form 00:42:39.260 --> 00:42:41.420 has how do we build on the strengths 00:42:41.420 --> 00:42:44.330 that yes every family form potentially 00:42:44.330 --> 00:42:47.480 has that's the question today and the 00:42:47.480 --> 00:42:49.970 only way we're going to answer it is if 00:42:49.970 --> 00:42:52.490 we stop pointing fingers and start 00:42:52.490 --> 00:42:56.030 extending a helping hand so I want to 00:42:56.030 --> 00:43:00.800 end perhaps since I didn't have an 00:43:00.800 --> 00:43:02.360 ending I'm going to make one up right 00:43:02.360 --> 00:43:03.770 here in order to have time for the 00:43:03.770 --> 00:43:08.980 question period by by telling you my 00:43:08.980 --> 00:43:10.940 grandmother's favorite saying when I was 00:43:10.940 --> 00:43:15.290 growing up it was well my my father and 00:43:15.290 --> 00:43:16.910 my grandmother had two sayings that I 00:43:16.910 --> 00:43:18.620 think sum up the argument I've been 00:43:18.620 --> 00:43:20.810 trying to make today my father used to 00:43:20.810 --> 00:43:22.400 say if wishes were horses then beggars 00:43:22.400 --> 00:43:25.400 would ride you know which i think is a 00:43:25.400 --> 00:43:27.830 very good thing to remind people of when 00:43:27.830 --> 00:43:29.930 they start saying what can we do to make 00:43:29.930 --> 00:43:32.240 marriage once again the only option that 00:43:32.240 --> 00:43:34.580 people have and then my grandmother used 00:43:34.580 --> 00:43:36.890 to say problems are sometimes 00:43:36.890 --> 00:43:39.110 opportunities and work clothes but if 00:43:39.110 --> 00:43:40.730 you won't sit down with them because of 00:43:40.730 --> 00:43:42.080 the way they're dressed you're never 00:43:42.080 --> 00:43:44.960 going to find out and that I think is 00:43:44.960 --> 00:43:46.490 the theme that we have to have in 00:43:46.490 --> 00:43:48.320 dealing with today's families thank you 00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:49.580 very much 00:43:49.580 --> 00:00:00.000 you