1 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,230 my name is Sean Annan and I'm a student 2 00:00:16,230 --> 00:00:17,970 project manager at the Clark tender 3 00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:20,820 Dickinson College on behalf of the Clark 4 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:23,000 center and the department's of history 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,830 sociology and Women's Studies I'd like 6 00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:27,480 to welcome you to this week's common our 7 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,570 lecture the way we were memories of 8 00:00:30,570 --> 00:00:33,470 traditional marriage and family life 9 00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:35,940 modern society is strongly being 10 00:00:35,940 --> 00:00:37,800 criticized for his lack of family values 11 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,230 and a declining respect for marriage in 12 00:00:40,230 --> 00:00:42,840 general he would disagree that the 13 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,910 family oriented 1950s 14 00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:48,080 is often used as the basis of comparison 15 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,120 while many argue that the ills of modern 16 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,800 society are to blame for its breakdown 17 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,390 in traditional marriage values and 18 00:00:54,390 --> 00:00:57,120 family life it is important to recall 19 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,220 that during the idolized mid 19th 20 00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:02,030 century teenage childbearing peaked and 21 00:01:02,030 --> 00:01:04,290 alcoholism and drug abuse were just as 22 00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:07,740 prevalent as this today Stephanie Coontz 23 00:01:07,740 --> 00:01:09,509 will discuss a surprising number of 24 00:01:09,509 --> 00:01:11,549 myths about the history of marriage and 25 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,860 family life and how they prevent us from 26 00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:16,200 coping effectively with the challenge of 27 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,290 recent changes she is a professor of 28 00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,210 history and Family Studies at Evergreen 29 00:01:21,210 --> 00:01:23,490 State College and director of research 30 00:01:23,490 --> 00:01:26,580 and public education for the Council on 31 00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:29,340 contemporary families she is published 32 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,290 extensively on the topic of marriage and 33 00:01:31,290 --> 00:01:33,600 family life and is the author of several 34 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,530 prestigious books including the way we 35 00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:40,080 never were American families and in 36 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:43,440 Australia style the trap and marriage a 37 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,110 history from obedience to intimacy a 38 00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:49,770 howl of Concord marriage her work has 39 00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:51,510 been featured in many periodicals 40 00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:53,700 including the New York Times The Wall 41 00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:56,880 Street Journal Newsweek and vogue as 42 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,320 well as academic and professional 43 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,900 journals including Family Therapy 44 00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:03,930 magazine chronicles of higher education 45 00:02:03,930 --> 00:02:08,068 and Journal of marriage and family she 46 00:02:08,068 --> 00:02:09,830 is appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show 47 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:14,010 crossfire CNN's talkback live and CBS 48 00:02:14,010 --> 00:02:17,970 this morning Stephanie Coontz a former 49 00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:20,520 Woodrow Wilson fellow has taught at Kobe 50 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,920 University in Japan at the University of 51 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,990 Hawaii at Hilo 52 00:02:24,990 --> 00:02:26,460 honors include the council on 53 00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:28,860 contemporary family visionary leadership 54 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:31,530 award the Dale Richmond award from the 55 00:02:31,530 --> 00:02:34,080 American Academy of Pediatrics and the 56 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,640 friend of the family award from the 57 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,390 Illinois Council on family relations 58 00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:41,400 before we begin I would like to ask that 59 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,500 the sound be disabled on any electronic 60 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,740 devices in addition please hold any 61 00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:48,240 questions until the end of the 62 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,280 presentation when there will be a short 63 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,070 question and answer session out of 64 00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:54,360 courtesy towards those who may be 65 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,520 hearing impaired please raise your hand 66 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,230 and wait for a microphone to be passed 67 00:02:58,230 --> 00:03:01,320 to you before speaking following the 68 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,870 presentation in the lobby there will be 69 00:03:03,870 --> 00:03:05,850 a book signing session and lunch will be 70 00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:07,800 available thank you for your cooperation 71 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,510 and now please join me in welcoming 72 00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:12,680 Stephanie Kunz 73 00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:23,379 well I know we've got lunch waiting for 74 00:03:23,379 --> 00:03:26,469 us and classes at 1:30 so I can't really 75 00:03:26,469 --> 00:03:28,780 take on all the myths about marriage and 76 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:30,430 family life and I think I'll just 77 00:03:30,430 --> 00:03:32,560 concentrate today on some of the things 78 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,200 about the way marriage has changed that 79 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,209 maybe we don't completely understand I 80 00:03:37,209 --> 00:03:38,920 mean we all know that marriage is 81 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,049 different than it used to be and that's 82 00:03:41,049 --> 00:03:43,689 absolutely right but it's not entirely 83 00:03:43,689 --> 00:03:46,569 clear that everybody actually does know 84 00:03:46,569 --> 00:03:48,280 how marriage used to be a lot of the 85 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,489 things that we think are new were in 86 00:03:51,489 --> 00:03:53,859 fact extremely traditional whereas a lot 87 00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,329 of the things that we think are 88 00:03:55,329 --> 00:03:57,669 traditional were in fact very new and 89 00:03:57,669 --> 00:04:00,389 short-lived adventure inventions 90 00:04:00,389 --> 00:04:02,980 probably the best example of the latter 91 00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:05,049 is dual earner families you know the 92 00:04:05,049 --> 00:04:08,560 Ozzie and Harriet family of so-called 93 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,049 tradition was a very short-lived family 94 00:04:11,049 --> 00:04:13,959 form through most of history women were 95 00:04:13,959 --> 00:04:15,849 Co providers for their family they not 96 00:04:15,849 --> 00:04:17,769 only brought home half the bacon they 97 00:04:17,769 --> 00:04:19,509 raised the pig and butchered it and took 98 00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:23,229 it to market the idea that men were 99 00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,449 breadwinners was unknown in colonial 100 00:04:25,449 --> 00:04:27,610 days women were called yoke Medes yoke 101 00:04:27,610 --> 00:04:30,639 mates and meat helps this invention of 102 00:04:30,639 --> 00:04:32,409 the ideal of the male breadwinner only 103 00:04:32,409 --> 00:04:34,810 came in the 19th century and then it was 104 00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:36,580 an ideal that was only attained by a 105 00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:38,650 tiny minority of families it wasn't 106 00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:41,500 until the 1920s because even when the 107 00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,300 woman stayed home they sent the kids out 108 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:46,930 to work so in the 1920s a tiny majority 109 00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:49,120 of families actually ended up being one 110 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,250 where the bulk of the income was brought 111 00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,990 by the man the wife wasn't working 112 00:04:52,990 --> 00:04:55,030 beside him in a business or a farm and 113 00:04:55,030 --> 00:04:57,039 the kids weren't out at labor that 114 00:04:57,039 --> 00:04:59,800 receded in the 30s and 40s it roared 115 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,680 back in the 1950s lasted about 15 years 116 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,030 it's probably the most untraditional 117 00:05:04,030 --> 00:05:07,210 family form that you can think of what 118 00:05:07,210 --> 00:05:09,159 about the things that we think of as new 119 00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:11,080 but that are in fact traditional well 120 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,789 the most obvious example of that is one 121 00:05:12,789 --> 00:05:15,190 parent families one parent families were 122 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,720 the norm throughout most of history 123 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,380 because of high death rates in the 19th 124 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:21,820 cent the beginning of the 19th century 125 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:25,240 the majority of marriages were ended by 126 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,760 death ten years before the last child 127 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,650 was ready to leave home and it wasn't 128 00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:32,810 actually until the 1970s that more key 129 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,880 became likely to experience a parent's 130 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,740 divorce before they left their teen 131 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:39,350 years then experienced a parent's death 132 00:05:39,350 --> 00:05:41,240 as a result of that step families 133 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,720 another non-traditional form in fact was 134 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,180 about the most traditional form that you 135 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,780 can imagine and in fact many step 136 00:05:50,780 --> 00:05:53,060 families of the past had many more 137 00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:54,889 problems than the ones that we tend to 138 00:05:54,889 --> 00:05:57,620 think of today because marriage as I'll 139 00:05:57,620 --> 00:06:00,400 talk about later was not about love and 140 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,290 individual relationships who most of the 141 00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:05,720 past but about property and power you 142 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,590 have all of these legends you know the 143 00:06:09,590 --> 00:06:11,450 Cinderella legend the wicked stepmother 144 00:06:11,450 --> 00:06:14,990 stories had a real basis in fact because 145 00:06:14,990 --> 00:06:17,780 the stepfather stepmother might well try 146 00:06:17,780 --> 00:06:20,660 to kill the kids from a previous or at 147 00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:22,250 least get rid of them somehow from a 148 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,900 previous marriage in order to make sure 149 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,880 that the property went to their side of 150 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,520 the family you know today the problems 151 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,979 in step families arise usually because 152 00:06:30,979 --> 00:06:33,860 the new parent wants the that love to 153 00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:36,050 develop too fast and she or he pushes it 154 00:06:36,050 --> 00:06:37,700 too fast you know Cinderella would have 155 00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:39,200 said boy I'll settle for that kind of 156 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:43,610 problem as for divorce this is also not 157 00:06:43,610 --> 00:06:45,140 new there have been many times in 158 00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:47,479 history when divorce rates have been as 159 00:06:47,479 --> 00:06:49,370 high as they are today in 20th century 160 00:06:49,370 --> 00:06:53,510 Indonesia and Malaysia in many hunting 161 00:06:53,510 --> 00:06:55,580 and gathering societies among the 162 00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:58,160 Shoshoni Indians a woman who wanted a 163 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,320 divorce would simply put her husband's 164 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,210 possessions outside the dwelling and 165 00:07:02,210 --> 00:07:04,130 when he came home he'd say oh okay I 166 00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:07,600 guess this marriage is over 167 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,660 in Japan a man had to write a letter of 168 00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:12,730 just three-and-a-half lines it had to be 169 00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:14,980 exactly that you know I kind of a haiku 170 00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:18,490 would divorce haiku that in order to get 171 00:07:18,490 --> 00:07:20,740 a marriage and a woman had to put in 172 00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:23,110 however two years of special service at 173 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,030 a temple we tend to think of the 174 00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:27,760 Christian tradition as being very anti 175 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,800 divorce and in fact Jesus was the first 176 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,630 religious leader to prohibit divorce 177 00:07:31,630 --> 00:07:34,630 equally to men as well as to women but 178 00:07:34,630 --> 00:07:36,970 for the first ten centuries of its 179 00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:38,830 existence the church didn't enforce this 180 00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:41,740 very much in and even when they did 181 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:44,500 begin to divorce for example in the 182 00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:46,780 first three or four centuries there were 183 00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:49,090 many regions where churches had an early 184 00:07:49,090 --> 00:07:50,710 version of no-fault divorce you just 185 00:07:50,710 --> 00:07:52,150 signed a little statement saying that 186 00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:54,550 because we can no longer because we 187 00:07:54,550 --> 00:07:56,590 affirmed before God that we can no 188 00:07:56,590 --> 00:07:58,300 longer live together in harmony will 189 00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,820 part and even after the church began to 190 00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:03,190 tighten its regulations on this there 191 00:08:03,190 --> 00:08:04,720 were two ways to get out of a marriage 192 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,630 that that I was researching for this new 193 00:08:07,630 --> 00:08:09,250 book and that I thought were kind of 194 00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:13,210 amusing the first was generally what the 195 00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:15,460 upper-class did now in those days the 196 00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:17,710 church had a very peculiar definition of 197 00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:21,400 incest that if you were related to the 198 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,280 seventh degree removed it was incestuous 199 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:25,600 and you couldn't marry in other words if 200 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:26,790 you have the same 201 00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:27,790 great-great-great-great 202 00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:32,409 great-grandfather and who didn't in the 203 00:08:32,409 --> 00:08:35,500 medieval world you were technically in 204 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:37,479 violation of the incest rules so people 205 00:08:37,479 --> 00:08:39,099 just married all the time and violation 206 00:08:39,099 --> 00:08:41,080 of incest rules and particularly the 207 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,030 upper classes who wanted to consolidate 208 00:08:43,030 --> 00:08:44,680 property and marry customs and then if 209 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,210 they wanted to divorce they would simply 210 00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:49,920 say ah my conscience is killing me 211 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,320 turned out I'm married to my cousin it's 212 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,300 incestuous you got it in the you know 213 00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,400 the church would usually say okay the 214 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,260 lower class didn't have as much access 215 00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:02,430 to divorce but they had an interesting 216 00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:04,810 outlet that might have been a little 217 00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:07,060 more common than we realize because the 218 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:08,410 church also had an interesting position 219 00:09:08,410 --> 00:09:10,810 that again violates most of our notions 220 00:09:10,810 --> 00:09:13,360 about traditional marriage the church 221 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,370 did not demand that marriage take place 222 00:09:15,370 --> 00:09:18,310 in a church or be blessed by a priest or 223 00:09:18,310 --> 00:09:20,080 anything like that and in fact through 224 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,290 most of history marriage 225 00:09:21,290 --> 00:09:23,420 the relationship between families it 226 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:25,339 wasn't enforced by church or state not 227 00:09:25,339 --> 00:09:28,279 til 1754 did the England require a 228 00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:31,040 license to get married well an early 229 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,769 Pope said you know maybe we should make 230 00:09:33,769 --> 00:09:36,230 the validity of a marriage dependent on 231 00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:38,930 it happening in church but the tradition 232 00:09:38,930 --> 00:09:41,480 in the Roman Empire had been that if 233 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,269 people live together and thought they 234 00:09:44,269 --> 00:09:45,829 were married then they were married and 235 00:09:45,829 --> 00:09:47,149 if they lived together and thought they 236 00:09:47,149 --> 00:09:48,199 weren't married then they weren't 237 00:09:48,199 --> 00:09:50,660 married there was no legal or formal 238 00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:53,029 requirement and so his advisors pointed 239 00:09:53,029 --> 00:09:54,410 out to them that if you made the 240 00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:56,180 validity of a marriage dependent on a 241 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,980 Honda on it having them contracted in 242 00:09:57,980 --> 00:09:58,430 church 243 00:09:58,430 --> 00:10:00,620 the majority of Europeans would 244 00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:03,410 instantly end up illegitimate so the 245 00:10:03,410 --> 00:10:05,420 church took the position that you were 246 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:08,060 married they would prefer it if you had 247 00:10:08,060 --> 00:10:10,009 bands and parental consent in a church 248 00:10:10,009 --> 00:10:12,259 marriage but if you said that you had 249 00:10:12,259 --> 00:10:14,329 exchanged words of consent out by the 250 00:10:14,329 --> 00:10:17,389 woodpile no witnesses no priest then you 251 00:10:17,389 --> 00:10:19,430 were married and the only way to get out 252 00:10:19,430 --> 00:10:21,259 of that and this is something that I 253 00:10:21,259 --> 00:10:23,120 found in my research a surprising number 254 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,699 of people did was to say just like the 255 00:10:25,699 --> 00:10:28,130 upper bath Oh my conscience is killing 256 00:10:28,130 --> 00:10:31,010 me I know I've been living with will for 257 00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:33,680 the last five years but actually I 258 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,899 exchanged words of consent six months 259 00:10:35,899 --> 00:10:38,449 earlier with John newtripper well in 260 00:10:38,449 --> 00:10:41,709 you've got to go live with him so 261 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,269 divorce is not Lou and you know some 262 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,339 people look back nostalgically to the 263 00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:48,980 days before no-fault divorce or the days 264 00:10:48,980 --> 00:10:50,750 before divorce at all but in most 265 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,940 societies that didn't allow divorce all 266 00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:54,769 that meant is that when desertion 267 00:10:54,769 --> 00:10:56,449 happened women and children had no 268 00:10:56,449 --> 00:10:58,579 recourse to get alimony or child support 269 00:10:58,579 --> 00:11:02,180 and as for no-fault divorce there may 270 00:11:02,180 --> 00:11:03,410 have been some problems with its 271 00:11:03,410 --> 00:11:05,240 implementation but I don't think many 272 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,920 people would like to go back to the 273 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,769 kinds of cases that I found in the 30s 274 00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:10,459 and 40s 275 00:11:10,459 --> 00:11:13,069 the courts used to hold that in order to 276 00:11:13,069 --> 00:11:15,529 get a divorce both parties had to come 277 00:11:15,529 --> 00:11:17,720 to the marriage with clean hands that is 278 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,329 no the one wanting the divorce couldn't 279 00:11:20,329 --> 00:11:22,220 have done anything to can now how 280 00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:24,100 realistic is that about real-life 281 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,360 relationships so you would get cases 282 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,360 like the mauers in Oregon where the 283 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,699 judge admitted that the guy was so 284 00:11:31,699 --> 00:11:33,829 violent that his wife and child lived in 285 00:11:33,829 --> 00:11:34,780 fear 286 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,720 the woman had twice throwing things 287 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,210 across the room and therefore since she 288 00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,950 didn't come to court with clean hands 289 00:11:41,950 --> 00:11:43,780 even though the marriage was totally 290 00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:44,380 miserable 291 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:46,810 neither of them deserved relief from it 292 00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:49,150 and it's worth noting incidentally 293 00:11:49,150 --> 00:11:50,350 whatever the problems with no-fault 294 00:11:50,350 --> 00:11:52,360 divorce that in the five years after its 295 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,580 introduction every state that adopted it 296 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:57,670 experienced a 20% decline in the suicide 297 00:11:57,670 --> 00:12:00,100 rate of wives and an even bigger decline 298 00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:01,270 in the rate at which husbands were 299 00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:07,630 murdered by wives so as for the idea 300 00:12:07,630 --> 00:12:09,700 that sex outside marriage is something 301 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:12,010 new you know every generation thinks it 302 00:12:12,010 --> 00:12:16,540 invented sex but in fact throughout most 303 00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:19,660 of history there was more adultery than 304 00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:21,340 there is today it was perfectly 305 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:23,650 acceptable for men to have mistresses 306 00:12:23,650 --> 00:12:26,260 and prostitutes as late as the 18th 307 00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:28,990 century I found that when a wife didn't 308 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:30,580 make a fuss about this which was very 309 00:12:30,580 --> 00:12:33,010 very rare it was so it was considered so 310 00:12:33,010 --> 00:12:34,900 inappropriate that her own family would 311 00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,270 write letters to her husband saying 312 00:12:37,270 --> 00:12:39,610 we're sorry she's behaving this way at 313 00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:43,210 the end of the 19th century on the the 314 00:12:43,210 --> 00:12:45,790 recourse to prostitutes by men in 315 00:12:45,790 --> 00:12:47,890 Victorian England and America was so 316 00:12:47,890 --> 00:12:49,480 great that there was an epidemic of 317 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,520 venereal disease in respectable 318 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,990 middle-class homes because they were 319 00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:55,600 bringing it home to them as for sex 320 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,790 outside marriage by politicians believe 321 00:12:57,790 --> 00:13:00,820 me Bill Clinton did not Ellie wait 322 00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:02,560 started with Thomas Jefferson we now 323 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,400 know right 324 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,620 it went through Grover Cleveland who was 325 00:13:05,620 --> 00:13:06,850 forced to admit that he probably 326 00:13:06,850 --> 00:13:08,950 fathered a child with a department store 327 00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:12,430 clerk he'd seduced so that the political 328 00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:14,680 diddy of the day was mama where's my POG 329 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,870 onto the White House wha ha ha 330 00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:21,000 Warren Harding who not only had a 331 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,770 long-term affair with the wife of a 332 00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:24,630 family friend but fathered a child with 333 00:13:24,630 --> 00:13:27,150 a second mistress a teenage girl and of 334 00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:29,400 course John F Kennedy we now think that 335 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,340 both Roosevelt and Eisenhower also had 336 00:13:32,340 --> 00:13:35,580 more discreet Affairs so sex outside 337 00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:38,220 marriage all of these kinds of things 338 00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:40,590 that we think are new are not in fact 339 00:13:40,590 --> 00:13:43,950 new and although for most of European 340 00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,110 and American history marriages were more 341 00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:48,450 stable than they are today one of the 342 00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:50,610 reasons they were stable was because 343 00:13:50,610 --> 00:13:53,400 they were not fair and they were not 344 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,130 loving relationships husband and wife 345 00:13:56,130 --> 00:13:58,290 are ones that Anglo American law that 346 00:13:58,290 --> 00:14:01,500 was a that prevailed until the very end 347 00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,870 of the 19th century and that one is the 348 00:14:03,870 --> 00:14:07,050 husband he had the right to make all 349 00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:09,390 decisions for the family he owned and 350 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,790 controlled all of the property even if 351 00:14:11,790 --> 00:14:13,890 the woman brought it from inheritance or 352 00:14:13,890 --> 00:14:16,230 it earned it herself and he they had the 353 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,470 right to physically restrain his wife to 354 00:14:19,470 --> 00:14:22,230 Intel 1890s it was until 1897 that the 355 00:14:22,230 --> 00:14:24,390 British courts ruled that a man didn't 356 00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:25,860 have the right to imprison the wife in 357 00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:28,860 his home also had the right to beat his 358 00:14:28,860 --> 00:14:32,010 wife it was until 1864 that the first 359 00:14:32,010 --> 00:14:34,260 courts in America began to forbid that I 360 00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:36,690 did find one prohibition against wife 361 00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:38,580 abuse in my research and that was in 362 00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:41,250 16th century London wife of beating your 363 00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:42,900 wife was prohibited after 9:00 o'clock 364 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,650 because it would wake the neighbors 365 00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:49,050 but these marriages were not harmonious 366 00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:51,360 in the past and nor did traditional 367 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,210 marriages always protect kids you know 368 00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:56,160 sometimes we think that they did but 369 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,980 actually through most of history the 370 00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:01,860 parents didn't sacrifice their kids kids 371 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,470 sacrificed for their parents the put you 372 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,750 know kids were kids were it was child 373 00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:08,970 labor that provided for the parents 374 00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:10,770 retirement and instead of saving up for 375 00:15:10,770 --> 00:15:12,690 the education parents pulled their kids 376 00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:16,260 out of school and although and right up 377 00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:18,720 until the 1940s we have a budget-- 378 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,090 studies malnutrition studies hospital 379 00:15:21,090 --> 00:15:23,280 records that show that in many families 380 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:24,840 that were actually does slightly 381 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,360 officially above the poverty line there 382 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,790 were in fact two standards of living in 383 00:15:29,790 --> 00:15:30,990 that family 384 00:15:30,990 --> 00:15:33,690 one considerably above the poverty line 385 00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:37,020 for the man who had protein medical care 386 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:40,500 you know meet for dinner and even 387 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,110 recreational money for beer and one 388 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,149 considerably below it for the women and 389 00:15:45,149 --> 00:15:46,860 children that's no longer true in 390 00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:49,020 America partly because the woman's 391 00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:50,640 movement has made it possible for a 392 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,620 woman to lead a marriage that is so 393 00:15:52,620 --> 00:15:54,899 unfair it remains so true in the rest of 394 00:15:54,899 --> 00:15:57,660 the world that in Africa and parts of 395 00:15:57,660 --> 00:16:00,029 Latin America a woman's biggest risk 396 00:16:00,029 --> 00:16:02,839 factor for AIDS is to be married and 397 00:16:02,839 --> 00:16:07,230 children in single female-headed 398 00:16:07,230 --> 00:16:09,029 families where the wife has where the 399 00:16:09,029 --> 00:16:12,600 woman has a job are often more likely to 400 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,490 be well nourished and to get education 401 00:16:14,490 --> 00:16:17,640 than children in two-parent families 402 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,130 where the wife doesn't control any of 403 00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:24,899 the income so these things I think lead 404 00:16:24,899 --> 00:16:26,580 us to suggest that perhaps we shouldn't 405 00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:29,070 romanticize the past but what is new 406 00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:31,950 what is new today the first thing is 407 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:35,730 that marriage is today about love it's 408 00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:38,850 about a relationship and as I explained 409 00:16:38,850 --> 00:16:42,120 in a minute this is a very rare thing to 410 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,459 find in history and it was a very new 411 00:16:44,459 --> 00:16:47,010 invention and the second is that both 412 00:16:47,010 --> 00:16:50,040 men and women have the options not to 413 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:53,070 marry or to leave a marriage that they 414 00:16:53,070 --> 00:16:56,310 find unfair or unloving and I will argue 415 00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:59,459 that this has created this tremendous 416 00:16:59,459 --> 00:17:03,779 historical paradox that the very things 417 00:17:03,779 --> 00:17:09,630 that have made marriage more wonderful 418 00:17:09,630 --> 00:17:11,790 more potentially fulfilling as a 419 00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:14,189 relationship have weakened marriage as 420 00:17:14,189 --> 00:17:16,920 an institution and vice versa the same 421 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,480 things that have weakened marriage as an 422 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,069 institution have strength it as a 423 00:17:20,069 --> 00:17:21,480 relationship what makes for a strong 424 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,839 institution its rigid rules nobody has a 425 00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:26,368 choice you don't have a choice 426 00:17:26,368 --> 00:17:27,959 whether you're a citizen of the United 427 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:30,450 States and have to obey its laws right I 428 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,360 it you don't make individual exceptions 429 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,030 you don't change the rules over time as 430 00:17:36,030 --> 00:17:37,650 someone ages well those things make for 431 00:17:37,650 --> 00:17:41,880 a very strong institution and if I may 432 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,070 say so they make for a fairly crappy 433 00:17:45,070 --> 00:17:47,500 you know what makes a strong 434 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,720 relationship that it's individualized 435 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,660 that it's negotiated that it's fair that 436 00:17:52,660 --> 00:17:55,440 you can change the rules that you can 437 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,020 change it as you grow older but all 438 00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:00,930 those things make for a less stable 439 00:18:00,930 --> 00:18:04,630 institution so what we have created as a 440 00:18:04,630 --> 00:18:07,450 result of these historic changes is that 441 00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:12,010 a marriage when it works is fairer more 442 00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:15,340 fulfilling more loving more passionate 443 00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:18,790 more intimate than any couple I studied 444 00:18:18,790 --> 00:18:20,920 in history would ever have dared to 445 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:27,160 dream but it's also more optional it's 446 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,670 more fragile it's less bearable when it 447 00:18:30,670 --> 00:18:33,610 doesn't live up to that potential it's 448 00:18:33,610 --> 00:18:36,430 hard to unfor me to to think of a way 449 00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:38,980 that you could keep the one and get rid 450 00:18:38,980 --> 00:18:42,580 of the other so how did we get here well 451 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,770 as I said for thousands of years 452 00:18:44,770 --> 00:18:47,980 marriage was not about love we now 453 00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:49,750 believe that that contrary to the idea 454 00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:52,270 that marriage was invented to you know 455 00:18:52,270 --> 00:18:55,060 protect women or the feminist idea of 456 00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:58,660 the 70s the obverse that it was invented 457 00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:01,030 to oppress women marriage wasn't about 458 00:19:01,030 --> 00:19:02,950 the relationship between individual men 459 00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:05,290 and women at all it was a way of making 460 00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:08,290 connections between bands that had to be 461 00:19:08,290 --> 00:19:10,000 able to cooperate when they met each 462 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:10,600 other 463 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,640 it was a way of turning strangers into 464 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,880 relatives many languages have the words 465 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,070 like the ancient anglo-saxon word for 466 00:19:18,070 --> 00:19:21,940 wife the piece Weaver the maori of new 467 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:24,460 zealand say you can cooperate with 468 00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:26,350 groups in many ways you can have rituals 469 00:19:26,350 --> 00:19:28,030 you can have dances you can have trading 470 00:19:28,030 --> 00:19:30,250 partners you can have feasts to get good 471 00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:32,230 relations but the strongest way to get a 472 00:19:32,230 --> 00:19:35,650 good relation is to make a link that 473 00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:37,210 produces a child with a foot in both 474 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:40,630 camps so we believe now that marriage 475 00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:43,630 was invented to get in-laws of course 476 00:19:43,630 --> 00:19:46,350 that 477 00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:49,690 yeah I know nowadays we think goodness 478 00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:51,340 we want our in-laws out of our marriage 479 00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:53,019 and that that's yet another good example 480 00:19:53,019 --> 00:19:56,080 of the things that have improved 481 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,970 marriage as a relationship the fact that 482 00:19:57,970 --> 00:19:59,350 your parents don't tell you who you have 483 00:19:59,350 --> 00:20:01,330 to marry and the in-laws can't intervene 484 00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,909 have also removed one of the sources of 485 00:20:03,909 --> 00:20:07,510 stability especially after you began to 486 00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:11,620 get more differences of wealth and power 487 00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:13,630 in a community you know if I was a 488 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,330 member of a band and we had to we were 489 00:20:16,330 --> 00:20:19,179 going to exchange spouses you know I 490 00:20:19,179 --> 00:20:22,870 might send my son to marry you know from 491 00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:24,340 the other band and I could allow my son 492 00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:26,380 a little bit of choice in that as long 493 00:20:26,380 --> 00:20:28,149 as you know he knew he had to marry out 494 00:20:28,149 --> 00:20:30,250 or my daughter had to marry out but 495 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:32,559 let's say now we're in a society where 496 00:20:32,559 --> 00:20:35,320 I'm one of the real upper classes or 497 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,019 almost upper class in that I'm not going 498 00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:40,750 to let my son just marry anybody in that 499 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,490 other group I want to marry someone 500 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:46,990 equally or preferably more wealthy and 501 00:20:46,990 --> 00:20:50,019 powerful so at that point in history and 502 00:20:50,019 --> 00:20:51,820 it was really where the ancient 503 00:20:51,820 --> 00:20:54,159 civilizations begin to arise marriage 504 00:20:54,159 --> 00:20:57,990 becomes the center of intrigue and 505 00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:01,059 calculation and remain so for thousands 506 00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:02,799 of years I mean we look back at stories 507 00:21:02,799 --> 00:21:05,260 like Anthony and Cleopatra not a love 508 00:21:05,260 --> 00:21:08,919 story you know a self-interested power 509 00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:11,620 play by the to super power by by two 510 00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:13,960 individuals of the two superpowers of 511 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,000 the world attempting to bring them 512 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,610 together there's incest bigamy murder 513 00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:21,309 betrayal false paternity suits you name 514 00:21:21,309 --> 00:21:24,880 it everything I think but love for 515 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,220 thousands of years marriage was about 516 00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:29,799 making these political and economic 517 00:21:29,799 --> 00:21:32,110 alliances for the upper classes it was 518 00:21:32,110 --> 00:21:34,210 the way you consolidated property made 519 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,659 business mergers I laid a claim to 520 00:21:37,659 --> 00:21:39,309 social status so that you could claim to 521 00:21:39,309 --> 00:21:41,380 rule yo you were descended from royalty 522 00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:43,750 on both sides was a way of concluding 523 00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:45,240 peace treaties and making military 524 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,860 alliances for the middle classes it was 525 00:21:47,860 --> 00:21:49,830 also an economic and political 526 00:21:49,830 --> 00:21:52,600 calculation you know the debtor in 527 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,380 Europe of course the dowry than a man 528 00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:57,480 and right up until the 18th century once 529 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,540 they earn maybe God at marriage was the 530 00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:02,760 biggest it was usually the biggest 531 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,770 infusion of cash and property would ever 532 00:22:04,770 --> 00:22:07,200 get at a single time so the dowry was of 533 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,580 a lot more interest than the daughter 534 00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:12,870 and for women of course it was the way 535 00:22:12,870 --> 00:22:16,710 having a dowry was the way your parents 536 00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:18,510 brought you a little economic security 537 00:22:18,510 --> 00:22:21,660 so today of course we in we save up for 538 00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:23,100 college we try to send our kids to 539 00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:24,750 college to give them some Economic 540 00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:26,910 Security and one of the things that 541 00:22:26,910 --> 00:22:28,380 parents say is you don't have a choice 542 00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:30,150 about doing your homework when you're in 543 00:22:30,150 --> 00:22:32,160 high school you know because this is the 544 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,780 providing for your future well that's 545 00:22:33,780 --> 00:22:36,120 the way your parents felt about arranged 546 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,440 marriages at the time you don't have a 547 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,060 choice about who you marriage I'm 548 00:22:39,060 --> 00:22:41,310 providing for your future and often for 549 00:22:41,310 --> 00:22:44,490 ours as well and that's the way it goes 550 00:22:44,490 --> 00:22:47,720 even in the lower classes marriage was a 551 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,340 practical matter you couldn't run a farm 552 00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:52,860 or a business by yourself you needed 553 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:55,500 someone your neighbors were integrally 554 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,150 concerned is this someone who's going to 555 00:22:57,150 --> 00:22:59,460 fit in with us and neighbors had a lot 556 00:22:59,460 --> 00:23:01,260 of say it turns out over who married 557 00:23:01,260 --> 00:23:03,030 whom your parents were also concerned 558 00:23:03,030 --> 00:23:04,380 what if you why don't why don't you 559 00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:05,970 marry this person because they have 560 00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:07,470 connections at court or they have a 561 00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:09,510 relative where their land holdings are 562 00:23:09,510 --> 00:23:12,480 near to ours and so we find there too 563 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:16,290 that even in even where individuals had 564 00:23:16,290 --> 00:23:17,730 choice they were more likely to choose 565 00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,190 someone who was a good work partner than 566 00:23:20,190 --> 00:23:22,350 somebody you know who they weren't madly 567 00:23:22,350 --> 00:23:25,140 in love with so for centuries what's 568 00:23:25,140 --> 00:23:26,670 love got to do with it could have been 569 00:23:26,670 --> 00:23:29,970 the theme song for most marriages now 570 00:23:29,970 --> 00:23:32,280 that people didn't fall in love but it's 571 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:33,990 no accident that most love stories 572 00:23:33,990 --> 00:23:35,360 throughout history were tragedies 573 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,650 married wasn't the happy ending to a 574 00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:39,510 love story it was usually the unhappy 575 00:23:39,510 --> 00:23:42,000 ending to a love story when people came 576 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,560 to terms with what their parents would 577 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,390 or what their needs were and got married 578 00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:48,380 and then about two hundred years ago 579 00:23:48,380 --> 00:23:52,350 some circles in Europe and America in 580 00:23:52,350 --> 00:23:55,620 the process of the Enlightenment and the 581 00:23:55,620 --> 00:23:58,380 French and American revolutions began to 582 00:23:58,380 --> 00:24:00,180 spread the radical idea that had been 583 00:24:00,180 --> 00:24:01,789 broached occasional 584 00:24:01,789 --> 00:24:04,970 a tentatively the beginning to spread 585 00:24:04,970 --> 00:24:07,369 over the last couple hundred years but 586 00:24:07,369 --> 00:24:11,269 never had one out you know never the 587 00:24:11,269 --> 00:24:14,450 idea was by the 16th and 17th century 588 00:24:14,450 --> 00:24:15,769 people were saying well maybe you should 589 00:24:15,769 --> 00:24:17,269 marry someone you could learn to love 590 00:24:17,269 --> 00:24:19,879 but marrying someone just for love not a 591 00:24:19,879 --> 00:24:22,639 good idea in the 18th century especially 592 00:24:22,639 --> 00:24:24,109 the Enlightenment had a big influence 593 00:24:24,109 --> 00:24:26,570 here the idea that the state and the 594 00:24:26,570 --> 00:24:28,369 older generation shouldn't dictate to 595 00:24:28,369 --> 00:24:30,590 young people they should maybe be able 596 00:24:30,590 --> 00:24:32,470 to choose their partners for themselves 597 00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:35,359 combine that with the radical idea of 598 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:36,859 the French Revolution I mean in front 599 00:24:36,859 --> 00:24:38,779 American Revolution Declaration of 600 00:24:38,779 --> 00:24:41,479 Independence pursuit of happiness people 601 00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:43,220 had a right to the pursuit of happiness 602 00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:46,999 and you get this new idea that people 603 00:24:46,999 --> 00:24:48,259 should choose their own marriage 604 00:24:48,259 --> 00:24:50,330 partners and they should do so on the 605 00:24:50,330 --> 00:24:52,549 basis of what would make them happy they 606 00:24:52,549 --> 00:24:54,679 should do so on the basis of love and 607 00:24:54,679 --> 00:24:57,289 one of the funny amusing things to me 608 00:24:57,289 --> 00:24:58,789 and researching this that I didn't 609 00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:01,609 realize was that traditionalists of the 610 00:25:01,609 --> 00:25:03,710 day social conservatives of the day 611 00:25:03,710 --> 00:25:05,450 defenders of what was then the 612 00:25:05,450 --> 00:25:07,159 traditional marriage of political and 613 00:25:07,159 --> 00:25:11,419 economic calculation were horrified they 614 00:25:11,419 --> 00:25:13,210 thought that this was going to be a 615 00:25:13,210 --> 00:25:14,450 disaster 616 00:25:14,450 --> 00:25:17,149 you've opened a Pandora's box they said 617 00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:18,769 look if you say that marriage should be 618 00:25:18,769 --> 00:25:20,570 about love how are you going to get the 619 00:25:20,570 --> 00:25:22,220 right people to marry each other one of 620 00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:24,609 the most am I don't love him you know 621 00:25:24,609 --> 00:25:27,679 how will we make our you know our social 622 00:25:27,679 --> 00:25:30,950 status work how will we prevent the 623 00:25:30,950 --> 00:25:33,379 wrong people from demanding the right to 624 00:25:33,379 --> 00:25:35,749 marry and today of course that is 625 00:25:35,749 --> 00:25:37,909 playing out over demands for gay and 626 00:25:37,909 --> 00:25:39,799 lesbian marriage but at the time they 627 00:25:39,799 --> 00:25:41,779 didn't want poor people to marry you 628 00:25:41,779 --> 00:25:43,039 know today we say oh let's marry them 629 00:25:43,039 --> 00:25:44,389 off and that'll somehow solve their 630 00:25:44,389 --> 00:25:47,029 poverty they said no let's not allow 631 00:25:47,029 --> 00:25:48,830 them to marry or reproduce and that'll 632 00:25:48,830 --> 00:25:50,899 somehow solve their poverty so they said 633 00:25:50,899 --> 00:25:53,359 what do you do if to poor people fall in 634 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,599 love and demand the right to marry what 635 00:25:56,599 --> 00:25:59,659 will we do about people who get married 636 00:25:59,659 --> 00:26:01,840 and then find that they're not happy 637 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,249 won't they demand the right to divorce 638 00:26:04,249 --> 00:26:08,029 and even scarier for them at the time is 639 00:26:08,029 --> 00:26:09,799 what will happen to this male dominance 640 00:26:09,799 --> 00:26:11,599 that has been there for so many 641 00:26:11,599 --> 00:26:13,730 thousands of years if you get people to 642 00:26:13,730 --> 00:26:14,509 marry for love 643 00:26:14,509 --> 00:26:16,309 won't men start giving in to their wives 644 00:26:16,309 --> 00:26:19,429 so they predicted basically that love 645 00:26:19,429 --> 00:26:22,239 would be the death of marriage and 646 00:26:22,239 --> 00:26:27,639 actually it turns out they had a boy but 647 00:26:27,639 --> 00:26:30,589 but it took another hundred and fifty 648 00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,779 years for the radical implications of 649 00:26:32,779 --> 00:26:35,059 that to play themselves out because the 650 00:26:35,059 --> 00:26:38,419 instant that the love match was invented 651 00:26:38,419 --> 00:26:42,529 people did begin to demand the right not 652 00:26:42,529 --> 00:26:45,049 to marry if they didn't fall in love and 653 00:26:45,049 --> 00:26:47,119 to get social respect for making that 654 00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:49,819 choice they began to demand the right to 655 00:26:49,819 --> 00:26:53,449 divorce if the marriage was loveless 656 00:26:53,449 --> 00:26:56,779 they began to question female 657 00:26:56,779 --> 00:27:00,249 subordination and they began to question 658 00:27:00,249 --> 00:27:02,779 but it's always been the dark side of 659 00:27:02,779 --> 00:27:04,759 the strong institution of marriage and 660 00:27:04,759 --> 00:27:06,859 that is the notion of illegitimate see I 661 00:27:06,859 --> 00:27:08,899 said earlier that we think marriage was 662 00:27:08,899 --> 00:27:11,119 invented to turn strangers into 663 00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:14,719 relatives but the flip side of marriage 664 00:27:14,719 --> 00:27:17,269 illegitimate see was invented to turn 665 00:27:17,269 --> 00:27:20,059 relatives into strangers and throughout 666 00:27:20,059 --> 00:27:23,449 the centuries millions of gets lost all 667 00:27:23,449 --> 00:27:26,659 access to their husband to it to our 668 00:27:26,659 --> 00:27:28,459 mother and father because the husband 669 00:27:28,459 --> 00:27:29,929 and mother were not in an improved 670 00:27:29,929 --> 00:27:32,719 marriage so people began to question 671 00:27:32,719 --> 00:27:35,659 that it's no accident that illegitimate 672 00:27:35,659 --> 00:27:37,309 children were called love children 673 00:27:37,309 --> 00:27:39,979 people we began to say why do we have 674 00:27:39,979 --> 00:27:42,019 these penalties for legitimacy if they 675 00:27:42,019 --> 00:27:44,839 were conceived in love all of those 676 00:27:44,839 --> 00:27:47,449 things were raised the instant that the 677 00:27:47,449 --> 00:27:49,399 love match was raised so conservatives 678 00:27:49,399 --> 00:27:51,289 were right to be frightened but it took 679 00:27:51,289 --> 00:27:53,299 a hundred and fifty years on to play 680 00:27:53,299 --> 00:27:56,839 themselves out first of all in the 19th 681 00:27:56,839 --> 00:27:59,479 century they developed what they were 682 00:27:59,479 --> 00:28:01,669 very concerned about this because there 683 00:28:01,669 --> 00:28:04,309 was a wave of women's movements and 684 00:28:04,309 --> 00:28:08,239 demands for divorce in in France America 685 00:28:08,239 --> 00:28:10,669 Europe across even demands for 686 00:28:10,669 --> 00:28:12,649 legitimation of gay and lesbian unions 687 00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:13,999 they didn't call them marriage but they 688 00:28:13,999 --> 00:28:15,469 said if people love each other you know 689 00:28:15,469 --> 00:28:17,449 we should recognize a valid relationship 690 00:28:17,449 --> 00:28:19,579 France developed the slogan there are no 691 00:28:19,579 --> 00:28:21,440 bastards in France they wanted to get 692 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,510 rid of illegitimate 693 00:28:23,510 --> 00:28:26,059 in America there were demands for 694 00:28:26,059 --> 00:28:28,490 equality within marriage and free choice 695 00:28:28,490 --> 00:28:31,010 and the right to remain single but these 696 00:28:31,010 --> 00:28:33,380 were pushed back in the 19th century by 697 00:28:33,380 --> 00:28:36,110 a combination of I'm almost conscious 698 00:28:36,110 --> 00:28:39,950 campaign to redefine love and marriage 699 00:28:39,950 --> 00:28:41,570 in ways that made it a little more 700 00:28:41,570 --> 00:28:44,360 manageable and that was this new idea 701 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,940 about the separation of spheres and that 702 00:28:46,940 --> 00:28:50,269 that now men were considered not to be 703 00:28:50,269 --> 00:28:52,250 in charge of women but they were 704 00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:54,649 considered so different that own that 705 00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:56,539 men and women were only halfway human 706 00:28:56,539 --> 00:28:58,730 beings without each other that men were 707 00:28:58,730 --> 00:29:00,980 the ones the only ones who could go out 708 00:29:00,980 --> 00:29:03,049 and bring home the bacon you know in 709 00:29:03,049 --> 00:29:05,029 contrary to you know thousands of years 710 00:29:05,029 --> 00:29:07,309 of evidence to the contrary this new 711 00:29:07,309 --> 00:29:09,139 idea developed that they should be the 712 00:29:09,139 --> 00:29:10,880 ones who protected women and women 713 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,220 should stay home women by contrast were 714 00:29:13,220 --> 00:29:15,710 the ones in charge of nurturing men 715 00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:17,659 weren't capable of that contrary to 716 00:29:17,659 --> 00:29:19,580 thousands of years of evidence to the 717 00:29:19,580 --> 00:29:21,320 contrary where men were the ones who 718 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:23,090 remembered birthdays and organized 719 00:29:23,090 --> 00:29:26,000 funerals and weddings so these new ideas 720 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,220 about strict gender roles women 721 00:29:28,220 --> 00:29:31,700 passionless sexless again contrary to 722 00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:33,649 the medieval idea that women were the 723 00:29:33,649 --> 00:29:36,529 more sexual sex these kind of developed 724 00:29:36,529 --> 00:29:39,380 to create a sense that men and women 725 00:29:39,380 --> 00:29:43,610 could only reach humanity by combining 726 00:29:43,610 --> 00:29:46,639 in marriage it looks we look back at 727 00:29:46,639 --> 00:29:47,870 those Victorian marriages and 728 00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:50,690 romanticize them they were very stable 729 00:29:50,690 --> 00:29:53,450 and they did have a lot of you know sort 730 00:29:53,450 --> 00:29:55,700 of sentimental rhetoric around them but 731 00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:56,899 actually when you scratch the surface 732 00:29:56,899 --> 00:29:59,059 they were often quite unhappy because 733 00:29:59,059 --> 00:30:01,220 this new definition of men and women as 734 00:30:01,220 --> 00:30:04,010 polar opposites didn't exactly foster 735 00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:07,370 intimacy in marriage you know women 736 00:30:07,370 --> 00:30:09,500 often refer to men as the grosser sex 737 00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:12,169 they were terrified of marriage do to 738 00:30:12,169 --> 00:30:15,010 get with this guy and men for their part 739 00:30:15,010 --> 00:30:17,960 really didn't know how to deal with you 740 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,200 know these virginal pure angels in the 741 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:23,630 house and often expressed considerable 742 00:30:23,630 --> 00:30:26,120 discomfort about how to be around them 743 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:27,980 that prostitutes were better company 744 00:30:27,980 --> 00:30:29,659 than the kind of woman that they'd like 745 00:30:29,659 --> 00:30:31,669 to marry and there were all sorts of 746 00:30:31,669 --> 00:30:34,340 sexual tensions in Victorian marriage so 747 00:30:34,340 --> 00:30:36,870 until you had a sexual revolution 748 00:30:36,870 --> 00:30:40,890 18 20s that particular part of radical 749 00:30:40,890 --> 00:30:42,720 implication of the love match could not 750 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:46,250 play itself out also of course you had 751 00:30:46,250 --> 00:30:49,440 unreliable birth control and despite the 752 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,690 attempt of France to outlaw legitimacy 753 00:30:51,690 --> 00:30:54,090 the strong penalties for legitimacy 754 00:30:54,090 --> 00:30:58,010 remained in in play until the nineteen 755 00:30:58,010 --> 00:31:00,360 1960s and 1970s most people don't 756 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,280 realize this but until it Court Supreme 757 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:07,350 Court decision in 1968 a child who was 758 00:31:07,350 --> 00:31:09,390 born to and raised by an unmarried 759 00:31:09,390 --> 00:31:13,020 mother did not have any right to collect 760 00:31:13,020 --> 00:31:15,480 on her debts if she died didn't have no 761 00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:17,970 claim on her family for inheritance and 762 00:31:17,970 --> 00:31:20,970 if she was killed by the wrongful act of 763 00:31:20,970 --> 00:31:22,920 an employer or someone else could not 764 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,059 sue for damages 765 00:31:24,059 --> 00:31:26,370 so the harsh penalties against 766 00:31:26,370 --> 00:31:29,070 illegitimate C and the unreliability of 767 00:31:29,070 --> 00:31:31,590 birth control prevented the radical 768 00:31:31,590 --> 00:31:33,240 implications of the love match from 769 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:35,610 playing out there furthermore there was 770 00:31:35,610 --> 00:31:37,950 the ability of elites and employers to 771 00:31:37,950 --> 00:31:40,380 dictate behavior so even though people 772 00:31:40,380 --> 00:31:42,300 were more and more talking about the 773 00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:43,860 idea that you ought to be able to 774 00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,960 divorce if you wanted to and that love 775 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:47,670 match you know was more important that 776 00:31:47,670 --> 00:31:49,380 actual love was more important than a 777 00:31:49,380 --> 00:31:51,570 marriage license you could get penalized 778 00:31:51,570 --> 00:31:55,080 terribly right up until the 1950s men 779 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:57,090 who were not married by a respectable 780 00:31:57,090 --> 00:31:58,890 age or who were divorced could be denied 781 00:31:58,890 --> 00:32:01,290 promotions and employment and of course 782 00:32:01,290 --> 00:32:03,090 women were just ostracized if they had a 783 00:32:03,090 --> 00:32:04,890 baby they did have babies out of wedlock 784 00:32:04,890 --> 00:32:06,420 but they usually put them up for 785 00:32:06,420 --> 00:32:07,860 adoption or went and went away and 786 00:32:07,860 --> 00:32:10,770 pretended nothing had happened and then 787 00:32:10,770 --> 00:32:13,410 of course there was the legal authority 788 00:32:13,410 --> 00:32:16,200 of men in marriage despite the fact that 789 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:19,380 by the light 19th century violence was 790 00:32:19,380 --> 00:32:23,160 not acceptable and women began and 791 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,410 gained their own property rights most 792 00:32:25,410 --> 00:32:26,910 people don't realize that right up until 793 00:32:26,910 --> 00:32:29,370 the 1970s most states in this country 794 00:32:29,370 --> 00:32:32,160 and had head and master laws and all of 795 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,050 Western Europe did which gave men the 796 00:32:34,050 --> 00:32:36,540 final right to make the say they have 797 00:32:36,540 --> 00:32:37,980 the final decision about most things 798 00:32:37,980 --> 00:32:40,679 that went on in the home and marriage 799 00:32:40,679 --> 00:32:43,920 was defined very unequally that men but 800 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:45,780 not women had a duty to support the 801 00:32:45,780 --> 00:32:48,780 family women but not men have the duty 802 00:32:48,780 --> 00:32:50,520 to take care of the kids 803 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:52,710 do the housekeeping and provide sex 804 00:32:52,710 --> 00:32:55,200 which is why wasn't it all the 1980s 805 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,210 that it was possible to say that marital 806 00:32:57,210 --> 00:32:59,460 rape was a crime if you were raped even 807 00:32:59,460 --> 00:33:01,650 violently by her husband you had no 808 00:33:01,650 --> 00:33:03,690 recourse up until then because the legal 809 00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:05,340 definition of marriage was that once 810 00:33:05,340 --> 00:33:07,380 you'd said I do you'd said I will 811 00:33:07,380 --> 00:33:10,680 forever so as long as that legal 812 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:12,990 authority of men in marriage prevailed 813 00:33:12,990 --> 00:33:16,920 it was again a consent of tenth tamped 814 00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:19,080 down the implicate the radical 815 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,790 implications of the love match and then 816 00:33:20,790 --> 00:33:23,610 above all the thing that really held in 817 00:33:23,610 --> 00:33:25,530 check was the economic dependence of 818 00:33:25,530 --> 00:33:28,560 women on men so that you know we tend to 819 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,180 think that that women are the more 820 00:33:30,180 --> 00:33:32,430 romantic sex but actually it was men who 821 00:33:32,430 --> 00:33:34,350 were able to embrace the love revolution 822 00:33:34,350 --> 00:33:36,660 first and in the 19th century I read 823 00:33:36,660 --> 00:33:39,510 diaries and letters and the men are like 824 00:33:39,510 --> 00:33:41,220 oh I'm just madly in love with this 825 00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:43,500 woman I can't wait to marry her and the 826 00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:46,410 women are like well you know my heart 827 00:33:46,410 --> 00:33:49,740 inclines to Harry but you know John over 828 00:33:49,740 --> 00:33:51,990 there has got better economic prospects 829 00:33:51,990 --> 00:33:54,840 it's late as 1967 there was a college a 830 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:56,880 poll of college students in America and 831 00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,550 they found that only 5% of the men but 832 00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:01,080 two-thirds of the women said they would 833 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,910 consider marrying someone they didn't 834 00:34:02,910 --> 00:34:05,510 love if he met all their other criteria 835 00:34:05,510 --> 00:34:08,639 well in the last thirty years all of 836 00:34:08,639 --> 00:34:10,949 those things have been swept away we 837 00:34:10,949 --> 00:34:13,679 have reliable birth control we have 838 00:34:13,679 --> 00:34:14,699 destroyed 839 00:34:14,699 --> 00:34:17,100 we have abolished the old penalties for 840 00:34:17,100 --> 00:34:19,489 a legitimacy important humanitarian 841 00:34:19,489 --> 00:34:22,649 reform but one that has weakened the 842 00:34:22,649 --> 00:34:24,690 ability of marriage to dictate people's 843 00:34:24,690 --> 00:34:26,510 lives in the distribution of resources 844 00:34:26,510 --> 00:34:30,929 we have told people that they cannot 845 00:34:30,929 --> 00:34:32,760 discriminate on the basis of personal 846 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:34,739 behavior that we use objective behavior 847 00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,179 to decide whether you can get into 848 00:34:36,179 --> 00:34:37,500 college or whether you're going to be 849 00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:40,560 promoted at a job again decreasing the 850 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:43,260 coercive power of elites we've removed 851 00:34:43,260 --> 00:34:46,770 the legal authority of men in marriage 852 00:34:46,770 --> 00:34:50,489 we've allowed women access to education 853 00:34:50,489 --> 00:34:53,040 and above all we've had women enter into 854 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,080 the workforce in terms that make them 855 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,870 more possible to be able to either 856 00:34:57,870 --> 00:35:00,900 refuse marriage even if they pregnant or 857 00:35:00,900 --> 00:35:04,170 to leave a marriage marriage has changed 858 00:35:04,170 --> 00:35:06,840 more in the last thirty years than the 859 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,390 previous three thousand five hundred it 860 00:35:09,390 --> 00:35:13,560 is a worldwide irreversible revolution 861 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:14,760 that I've come to think of as the 862 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,850 equivalent of the Industrial Revolution 863 00:35:16,850 --> 00:35:20,370 and like the Industrial Revolution it 864 00:35:20,370 --> 00:35:23,640 really shook things up you know I mean 865 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,250 the Industrial Revolution has had some 866 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:28,860 long-term benefits of course but at the 867 00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:31,440 time there were lots of tragedies you 868 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:33,900 know for every individual who found a 869 00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:37,110 new way to to move out of the pack and 870 00:35:37,110 --> 00:35:39,570 develop a new entrepreneurial success 871 00:35:39,570 --> 00:35:43,050 there were a dozen who lost their old 872 00:35:43,050 --> 00:35:44,880 ways of living and were displaced from 873 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,280 their farms and had to go into dangerous 874 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:51,540 factories but you know you really didn't 875 00:35:51,540 --> 00:35:53,400 have a choice you couldn't say well 876 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:54,960 we're going to shoehorn everybody back 877 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,480 onto self-sufficient farms you had to 878 00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,250 say well look if we don't like the way 879 00:35:59,250 --> 00:36:00,690 this is working this industrial 880 00:36:00,690 --> 00:36:05,190 revolution we have to find new routes to 881 00:36:05,190 --> 00:36:07,020 self-employment for people because the 882 00:36:07,020 --> 00:36:09,750 old ways are gone and we have to 883 00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:11,220 recognize that corporations and 884 00:36:11,220 --> 00:36:13,530 factories are here to stay so instead of 885 00:36:13,530 --> 00:36:15,510 you know sitting around cursing at them 886 00:36:15,510 --> 00:36:19,050 we need to reform them right well I 887 00:36:19,050 --> 00:36:21,570 would say the analogy is completely 888 00:36:21,570 --> 00:36:24,930 holds for this change in in marriage we 889 00:36:24,930 --> 00:36:28,320 there is no way we will shoehorn people 890 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,740 back into lifelong universal early 891 00:36:31,740 --> 00:36:33,860 marriage where we can be sure that all 892 00:36:33,860 --> 00:36:35,940 obligations will be contracted in 893 00:36:35,940 --> 00:36:38,580 marriage and all interdependencies will 894 00:36:38,580 --> 00:36:40,680 be taken care of and all child-rearing 895 00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:44,310 will take care of that there's no way 896 00:36:44,310 --> 00:36:46,320 we're going to actually be able to just 897 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,780 completely ignore as we did for 898 00:36:48,780 --> 00:36:52,230 centuries the accidents that that were 899 00:36:52,230 --> 00:36:55,020 outside of marriage the rising you add 900 00:36:55,020 --> 00:36:56,790 these other changes that I've talked 901 00:36:56,790 --> 00:36:59,430 about to the rising age of marriage so 902 00:36:59,430 --> 00:37:01,860 that there's now a 10 to 15 year or 903 00:37:01,860 --> 00:37:05,520 longer period of sexual maturity between 904 00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:07,410 the time that people reach puberty and 905 00:37:07,410 --> 00:37:10,290 the time they get married no Society in 906 00:37:10,290 --> 00:37:12,090 history has ever kept young people 907 00:37:12,090 --> 00:37:14,880 celibate that long say marriage is no 908 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:16,260 longer the only place for 909 00:37:16,260 --> 00:37:19,470 sex people get initiated into sex the 910 00:37:19,470 --> 00:37:22,950 separation of reproduction means that in 911 00:37:22,950 --> 00:37:27,390 that some people can have children who 912 00:37:27,390 --> 00:37:29,160 never would have been able to have them 913 00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:31,620 before which means that wonderful 914 00:37:31,620 --> 00:37:33,570 wonderful gain from married couples who 915 00:37:33,570 --> 00:37:35,520 are infertile but it also means it's 916 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,470 next to impossible to prevent single 917 00:37:37,470 --> 00:37:39,570 women or gays and lesbians from having 918 00:37:39,570 --> 00:37:41,520 children it also means that more and 919 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,860 more marriages are childless so that the 920 00:37:43,860 --> 00:37:46,320 old equation of marriage with childhood 921 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:48,180 is broken down you add that the 922 00:37:48,180 --> 00:37:50,160 invention of consumer products that do 923 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:51,810 away with the need of a full-time 924 00:37:51,810 --> 00:37:54,270 housewife and you have a situation where 925 00:37:54,270 --> 00:37:57,900 this is an irreversible change yes it 926 00:37:57,900 --> 00:38:02,130 causes lots of problems you know these 927 00:38:02,130 --> 00:38:05,250 shakeups are very disturbing you know 928 00:38:05,250 --> 00:38:06,540 and the entry of women into the 929 00:38:06,540 --> 00:38:09,000 workforce in a in a country that has 930 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:12,150 unlike other the European countries has 931 00:38:12,150 --> 00:38:13,860 not caught up with these changes and 932 00:38:13,860 --> 00:38:15,990 doesn't have subsidized parental leave 933 00:38:15,990 --> 00:38:18,510 policies or good childcare this is a 934 00:38:18,510 --> 00:38:22,260 problem for people the new access to 935 00:38:22,260 --> 00:38:25,290 divorce yes some divorces deliver people 936 00:38:25,290 --> 00:38:27,390 from very difficult situations but in 937 00:38:27,390 --> 00:38:29,370 other cases they're very very painful 938 00:38:29,370 --> 00:38:31,500 and the kids and the adults alike go 939 00:38:31,500 --> 00:38:34,890 through agonizing changes remarriage and 940 00:38:34,890 --> 00:38:37,140 stepfamilies it's hard to blend a family 941 00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,570 the ability of women to say no to a 942 00:38:39,570 --> 00:38:42,780 shotgun marriage good in some ways but 943 00:38:42,780 --> 00:38:45,960 also creates economic burdens for them 944 00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:47,700 and of course it's really hard to raise 945 00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:51,210 a kid when you have one parent only you 946 00:38:51,210 --> 00:38:53,400 know having just got my own kid off to 947 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:56,010 what is now a very successful college 948 00:38:56,010 --> 00:38:57,960 and post college career but he was a 949 00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,420 handful I you know think three or four 950 00:39:00,420 --> 00:39:03,510 good parents well would have been a help 951 00:39:03,510 --> 00:39:08,580 far less trying to do it as one but just 952 00:39:08,580 --> 00:39:10,410 as with the Industrial Revolution these 953 00:39:10,410 --> 00:39:13,290 changes are here to stay the question is 954 00:39:13,290 --> 00:39:16,950 not what we wish we could accomplish but 955 00:39:16,950 --> 00:39:19,410 how do we build on the gains that we 956 00:39:19,410 --> 00:39:21,840 have and there have been many gains you 957 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:23,670 know for the in the position of women in 958 00:39:23,670 --> 00:39:25,890 the improvement of the relationship of 959 00:39:25,890 --> 00:39:28,530 marriage how do we minimize the losses 960 00:39:28,530 --> 00:39:30,090 and there have 961 00:39:30,090 --> 00:39:32,610 losses and challenges to us but that's 962 00:39:32,610 --> 00:39:35,430 the question not how do we turn the 963 00:39:35,430 --> 00:39:37,650 clock back and as it turns out once you 964 00:39:37,650 --> 00:39:41,070 ask that question there is exciting new 965 00:39:41,070 --> 00:39:43,620 research that shows that we can meet 966 00:39:43,620 --> 00:39:45,720 these challenges that dual earner 967 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:48,330 families don't have to be so stressful 968 00:39:48,330 --> 00:39:51,360 and in fact although there is extra time 969 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:53,370 there are real time management problems 970 00:39:53,370 --> 00:39:55,380 that when they have access to decent 971 00:39:55,380 --> 00:39:59,280 childcare or leaves these these there's 972 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,500 less likelihood of depression than there 973 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:03,570 is in more traditional male breadwinner 974 00:40:03,570 --> 00:40:07,740 families there is men whose wives work 975 00:40:07,740 --> 00:40:09,930 are much more likely to become hands-on 976 00:40:09,930 --> 00:40:12,030 fathers and that has tremendous benefits 977 00:40:12,030 --> 00:40:14,520 for the kids it raises boys who are more 978 00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,160 empathetic and it raises girls who are 979 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:19,260 more likely to succeed especially in 980 00:40:19,260 --> 00:40:22,170 non-traditional fields even the use of 981 00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:24,870 child care is not bad when when you 982 00:40:24,870 --> 00:40:27,410 actually look at good child care it 983 00:40:27,410 --> 00:40:31,470 substitutes for the historical loss of 984 00:40:31,470 --> 00:40:33,780 all of these sources of non parental 985 00:40:33,780 --> 00:40:36,330 care and peer socialization outside of 986 00:40:36,330 --> 00:40:37,950 the families that we don't have in our 987 00:40:37,950 --> 00:40:40,590 commuter neighborhoods you know in our 988 00:40:40,590 --> 00:40:43,410 smaller families today and improves kids 989 00:40:43,410 --> 00:40:46,080 social and economic adjustment although 990 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,950 I'm not good unregulated childcare does 991 00:40:49,950 --> 00:40:52,560 not do that we know how to make 992 00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:55,860 marriages work better there's lots of 993 00:40:55,860 --> 00:40:59,340 fascinating wonderful fun new research 994 00:40:59,340 --> 00:41:02,340 on how to make marriages work better but 995 00:41:02,340 --> 00:41:04,470 part of it has to do with weeding out 996 00:41:04,470 --> 00:41:06,390 incompatible couples before they get 997 00:41:06,390 --> 00:41:08,190 marriage so we're not going to get 998 00:41:08,190 --> 00:41:11,010 everybody back into marriage and we're 999 00:41:11,010 --> 00:41:13,710 not going to make divorce disappear it's 1000 00:41:13,710 --> 00:41:15,870 been rising in a steady line ever since 1001 00:41:15,870 --> 00:41:17,550 the invention of a love match and 1002 00:41:17,550 --> 00:41:19,800 although it is leveled off the divorce 1003 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:22,410 rates actually come down by 26% since 1004 00:41:22,410 --> 00:41:25,290 1981 there is still going to be divorced 1005 00:41:25,290 --> 00:41:28,020 but we know how to teach people to 1006 00:41:28,020 --> 00:41:30,450 divorce better and to minimize the 1007 00:41:30,450 --> 00:41:32,370 damage that's associated with it that 1008 00:41:32,370 --> 00:41:35,130 same is true for single parenthood we 1009 00:41:35,130 --> 00:41:37,380 actually know what we can do to minimize 1010 00:41:37,380 --> 00:41:40,470 the impacts of that little thing I'll 1011 00:41:40,470 --> 00:41:42,690 just I can talk about these more on the 1012 00:41:42,690 --> 00:41:43,250 question 1013 00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:46,430 if you like but little things dolts and 1014 00:41:46,430 --> 00:41:48,260 single-parent families actually read to 1015 00:41:48,260 --> 00:41:50,000 and talk to their kids more than adults 1016 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,070 and two-parent families if you can 1017 00:41:52,070 --> 00:41:54,140 harness that and channel it in 1018 00:41:54,140 --> 00:41:56,450 productive ways and make sure that that 1019 00:41:56,450 --> 00:41:59,300 talking doesn't become inappropriate 1020 00:41:59,300 --> 00:42:02,270 like venting about things that the kids 1021 00:42:02,270 --> 00:42:04,370 shouldn't know those kids can turn out 1022 00:42:04,370 --> 00:42:06,800 just fine so I don't want to be a 1023 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:10,550 Pollyanna we do face real challenges but 1024 00:42:10,550 --> 00:42:13,010 we have to be realists you're not going 1025 00:42:13,010 --> 00:42:15,380 to turn the clock back so let's figure 1026 00:42:15,380 --> 00:42:18,100 out how we can build on these 1027 00:42:18,100 --> 00:42:21,560 possibilities how we can minimize the 1028 00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,180 weaknesses that every family form 1029 00:42:23,180 --> 00:42:25,580 including two-parent families you know 1030 00:42:25,580 --> 00:42:27,830 male breadwinner families these families 1031 00:42:27,830 --> 00:42:30,200 face tremendous stresses in our society 1032 00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:33,110 today and they're not immune proof to 1033 00:42:33,110 --> 00:42:35,810 divorce and how do we so how do we 1034 00:42:35,810 --> 00:42:37,340 minimize the weaknesses and the 1035 00:42:37,340 --> 00:42:39,260 vulnerabilities that every family form 1036 00:42:39,260 --> 00:42:41,420 has how do we build on the strengths 1037 00:42:41,420 --> 00:42:44,330 that yes every family form potentially 1038 00:42:44,330 --> 00:42:47,480 has that's the question today and the 1039 00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:49,970 only way we're going to answer it is if 1040 00:42:49,970 --> 00:42:52,490 we stop pointing fingers and start 1041 00:42:52,490 --> 00:42:56,030 extending a helping hand so I want to 1042 00:42:56,030 --> 00:43:00,800 end perhaps since I didn't have an 1043 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:02,360 ending I'm going to make one up right 1044 00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:03,770 here in order to have time for the 1045 00:43:03,770 --> 00:43:08,980 question period by by telling you my 1046 00:43:08,980 --> 00:43:10,940 grandmother's favorite saying when I was 1047 00:43:10,940 --> 00:43:15,290 growing up it was well my my father and 1048 00:43:15,290 --> 00:43:16,910 my grandmother had two sayings that I 1049 00:43:16,910 --> 00:43:18,620 think sum up the argument I've been 1050 00:43:18,620 --> 00:43:20,810 trying to make today my father used to 1051 00:43:20,810 --> 00:43:22,400 say if wishes were horses then beggars 1052 00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:25,400 would ride you know which i think is a 1053 00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,830 very good thing to remind people of when 1054 00:43:27,830 --> 00:43:29,930 they start saying what can we do to make 1055 00:43:29,930 --> 00:43:32,240 marriage once again the only option that 1056 00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,580 people have and then my grandmother used 1057 00:43:34,580 --> 00:43:36,890 to say problems are sometimes 1058 00:43:36,890 --> 00:43:39,110 opportunities and work clothes but if 1059 00:43:39,110 --> 00:43:40,730 you won't sit down with them because of 1060 00:43:40,730 --> 00:43:42,080 the way they're dressed you're never 1061 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:44,960 going to find out and that I think is 1062 00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:46,490 the theme that we have to have in 1063 00:43:46,490 --> 00:43:48,320 dealing with today's families thank you 1064 00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:49,580 very much 1065 00:43:49,580 --> 00:00:00,000 you