0:00:13.280,0:00:16.230 my name is Sean Annan and I'm a student 0:00:16.230,0:00:17.970 project manager at the Clark tender 0:00:17.970,0:00:20.820 Dickinson College on behalf of the Clark 0:00:20.820,0:00:23.000 center and the department's of history 0:00:23.000,0:00:25.830 sociology and Women's Studies I'd like 0:00:25.830,0:00:27.480 to welcome you to this week's common our 0:00:27.480,0:00:30.570 lecture the way we were memories of 0:00:30.570,0:00:33.470 traditional marriage and family life 0:00:33.470,0:00:35.940 modern society is strongly being 0:00:35.940,0:00:37.800 criticized for his lack of family values 0:00:37.800,0:00:40.230 and a declining respect for marriage in 0:00:40.230,0:00:42.840 general he would disagree that the 0:00:42.840,0:00:44.910 family oriented 1950s 0:00:44.910,0:00:48.080 is often used as the basis of comparison 0:00:48.080,0:00:51.120 while many argue that the ills of modern 0:00:51.120,0:00:52.800 society are to blame for its breakdown 0:00:52.800,0:00:54.390 in traditional marriage values and 0:00:54.390,0:00:57.120 family life it is important to recall 0:00:57.120,0:00:59.220 that during the idolized mid 19th 0:00:59.220,0:01:02.030 century teenage childbearing peaked and 0:01:02.030,0:01:04.290 alcoholism and drug abuse were just as 0:01:04.290,0:01:07.740 prevalent as this today Stephanie Coontz 0:01:07.740,0:01:09.509 will discuss a surprising number of 0:01:09.509,0:01:11.549 myths about the history of marriage and 0:01:11.549,0:01:13.860 family life and how they prevent us from 0:01:13.860,0:01:16.200 coping effectively with the challenge of 0:01:16.200,0:01:19.290 recent changes she is a professor of 0:01:19.290,0:01:21.210 history and Family Studies at Evergreen 0:01:21.210,0:01:23.490 State College and director of research 0:01:23.490,0:01:26.580 and public education for the Council on 0:01:26.580,0:01:29.340 contemporary families she is published 0:01:29.340,0:01:31.290 extensively on the topic of marriage and 0:01:31.290,0:01:33.600 family life and is the author of several 0:01:33.600,0:01:37.530 prestigious books including the way we 0:01:37.530,0:01:40.080 never were American families and in 0:01:40.080,0:01:43.440 Australia style the trap and marriage a 0:01:43.440,0:01:46.110 history from obedience to intimacy a 0:01:46.110,0:01:49.770 howl of Concord marriage her work has 0:01:49.770,0:01:51.510 been featured in many periodicals 0:01:51.510,0:01:53.700 including the New York Times The Wall 0:01:53.700,0:01:56.880 Street Journal Newsweek and vogue as 0:01:56.880,0:01:58.320 well as academic and professional 0:01:58.320,0:02:00.900 journals including Family Therapy 0:02:00.900,0:02:03.930 magazine chronicles of higher education 0:02:03.930,0:02:08.068 and Journal of marriage and family she 0:02:08.068,0:02:09.830 is appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show 0:02:09.830,0:02:14.010 crossfire CNN's talkback live and CBS 0:02:14.010,0:02:17.970 this morning Stephanie Coontz a former 0:02:17.970,0:02:20.520 Woodrow Wilson fellow has taught at Kobe 0:02:20.520,0:02:22.920 University in Japan at the University of 0:02:22.920,0:02:24.990 Hawaii at Hilo 0:02:24.990,0:02:26.460 honors include the council on 0:02:26.460,0:02:28.860 contemporary family visionary leadership 0:02:28.860,0:02:31.530 award the Dale Richmond award from the 0:02:31.530,0:02:34.080 American Academy of Pediatrics and the 0:02:34.080,0:02:35.640 friend of the family award from the 0:02:35.640,0:02:38.390 Illinois Council on family relations 0:02:38.390,0:02:41.400 before we begin I would like to ask that 0:02:41.400,0:02:43.500 the sound be disabled on any electronic 0:02:43.500,0:02:46.740 devices in addition please hold any 0:02:46.740,0:02:48.240 questions until the end of the 0:02:48.240,0:02:50.280 presentation when there will be a short 0:02:50.280,0:02:53.070 question and answer session out of 0:02:53.070,0:02:54.360 courtesy towards those who may be 0:02:54.360,0:02:56.520 hearing impaired please raise your hand 0:02:56.520,0:02:58.230 and wait for a microphone to be passed 0:02:58.230,0:03:01.320 to you before speaking following the 0:03:01.320,0:03:03.870 presentation in the lobby there will be 0:03:03.870,0:03:05.850 a book signing session and lunch will be 0:03:05.850,0:03:07.800 available thank you for your cooperation 0:03:07.800,0:03:09.510 and now please join me in welcoming 0:03:09.510,0:03:12.680 Stephanie Kunz 0:03:20.489,0:03:23.379 well I know we've got lunch waiting for 0:03:23.379,0:03:26.469 us and classes at 1:30 so I can't really 0:03:26.469,0:03:28.780 take on all the myths about marriage and 0:03:28.780,0:03:30.430 family life and I think I'll just 0:03:30.430,0:03:32.560 concentrate today on some of the things 0:03:32.560,0:03:35.200 about the way marriage has changed that 0:03:35.200,0:03:37.209 maybe we don't completely understand I 0:03:37.209,0:03:38.920 mean we all know that marriage is 0:03:38.920,0:03:41.049 different than it used to be and that's 0:03:41.049,0:03:43.689 absolutely right but it's not entirely 0:03:43.689,0:03:46.569 clear that everybody actually does know 0:03:46.569,0:03:48.280 how marriage used to be a lot of the 0:03:48.280,0:03:51.489 things that we think are new were in 0:03:51.489,0:03:53.859 fact extremely traditional whereas a lot 0:03:53.859,0:03:55.329 of the things that we think are 0:03:55.329,0:03:57.669 traditional were in fact very new and 0:03:57.669,0:04:00.389 short-lived adventure inventions 0:04:00.389,0:04:02.980 probably the best example of the latter 0:04:02.980,0:04:05.049 is dual earner families you know the 0:04:05.049,0:04:08.560 Ozzie and Harriet family of so-called 0:04:08.560,0:04:11.049 tradition was a very short-lived family 0:04:11.049,0:04:13.959 form through most of history women were 0:04:13.959,0:04:15.849 Co providers for their family they not 0:04:15.849,0:04:17.769 only brought home half the bacon they 0:04:17.769,0:04:19.509 raised the pig and butchered it and took 0:04:19.509,0:04:23.229 it to market the idea that men were 0:04:23.229,0:04:25.449 breadwinners was unknown in colonial 0:04:25.449,0:04:27.610 days women were called yoke Medes yoke 0:04:27.610,0:04:30.639 mates and meat helps this invention of 0:04:30.639,0:04:32.409 the ideal of the male breadwinner only 0:04:32.409,0:04:34.810 came in the 19th century and then it was 0:04:34.810,0:04:36.580 an ideal that was only attained by a 0:04:36.580,0:04:38.650 tiny minority of families it wasn't 0:04:38.650,0:04:41.500 until the 1920s because even when the 0:04:41.500,0:04:43.300 woman stayed home they sent the kids out 0:04:43.300,0:04:46.930 to work so in the 1920s a tiny majority 0:04:46.930,0:04:49.120 of families actually ended up being one 0:04:49.120,0:04:51.250 where the bulk of the income was brought 0:04:51.250,0:04:52.990 by the man the wife wasn't working 0:04:52.990,0:04:55.030 beside him in a business or a farm and 0:04:55.030,0:04:57.039 the kids weren't out at labor that 0:04:57.039,0:04:59.800 receded in the 30s and 40s it roared 0:04:59.800,0:05:02.680 back in the 1950s lasted about 15 years 0:05:02.680,0:05:04.030 it's probably the most untraditional 0:05:04.030,0:05:07.210 family form that you can think of what 0:05:07.210,0:05:09.159 about the things that we think of as new 0:05:09.159,0:05:11.080 but that are in fact traditional well 0:05:11.080,0:05:12.789 the most obvious example of that is one 0:05:12.789,0:05:15.190 parent families one parent families were 0:05:15.190,0:05:16.720 the norm throughout most of history 0:05:16.720,0:05:20.380 because of high death rates in the 19th 0:05:20.380,0:05:21.820 cent the beginning of the 19th century 0:05:21.820,0:05:25.240 the majority of marriages were ended by 0:05:25.240,0:05:27.760 death ten years before the last child 0:05:27.760,0:05:29.650 was ready to leave home and it wasn't 0:05:29.650,0:05:32.810 actually until the 1970s that more key 0:05:32.810,0:05:34.880 became likely to experience a parent's 0:05:34.880,0:05:36.740 divorce before they left their teen 0:05:36.740,0:05:39.350 years then experienced a parent's death 0:05:39.350,0:05:41.240 as a result of that step families 0:05:41.240,0:05:44.720 another non-traditional form in fact was 0:05:44.720,0:05:47.180 about the most traditional form that you 0:05:47.180,0:05:50.780 can imagine and in fact many step 0:05:50.780,0:05:53.060 families of the past had many more 0:05:53.060,0:05:54.889 problems than the ones that we tend to 0:05:54.889,0:05:57.620 think of today because marriage as I'll 0:05:57.620,0:06:00.400 talk about later was not about love and 0:06:00.400,0:06:03.290 individual relationships who most of the 0:06:03.290,0:06:05.720 past but about property and power you 0:06:05.720,0:06:09.590 have all of these legends you know the 0:06:09.590,0:06:11.450 Cinderella legend the wicked stepmother 0:06:11.450,0:06:14.990 stories had a real basis in fact because 0:06:14.990,0:06:17.780 the stepfather stepmother might well try 0:06:17.780,0:06:20.660 to kill the kids from a previous or at 0:06:20.660,0:06:22.250 least get rid of them somehow from a 0:06:22.250,0:06:23.900 previous marriage in order to make sure 0:06:23.900,0:06:25.880 that the property went to their side of 0:06:25.880,0:06:28.520 the family you know today the problems 0:06:28.520,0:06:30.979 in step families arise usually because 0:06:30.979,0:06:33.860 the new parent wants the that love to 0:06:33.860,0:06:36.050 develop too fast and she or he pushes it 0:06:36.050,0:06:37.700 too fast you know Cinderella would have 0:06:37.700,0:06:39.200 said boy I'll settle for that kind of 0:06:39.200,0:06:43.610 problem as for divorce this is also not 0:06:43.610,0:06:45.140 new there have been many times in 0:06:45.140,0:06:47.479 history when divorce rates have been as 0:06:47.479,0:06:49.370 high as they are today in 20th century 0:06:49.370,0:06:53.510 Indonesia and Malaysia in many hunting 0:06:53.510,0:06:55.580 and gathering societies among the 0:06:55.580,0:06:58.160 Shoshoni Indians a woman who wanted a 0:06:58.160,0:07:00.320 divorce would simply put her husband's 0:07:00.320,0:07:02.210 possessions outside the dwelling and 0:07:02.210,0:07:04.130 when he came home he'd say oh okay I 0:07:04.130,0:07:07.600 guess this marriage is over 0:07:07.600,0:07:10.660 in Japan a man had to write a letter of 0:07:10.660,0:07:12.730 just three-and-a-half lines it had to be 0:07:12.730,0:07:14.980 exactly that you know I kind of a haiku 0:07:14.980,0:07:18.490 would divorce haiku that in order to get 0:07:18.490,0:07:20.740 a marriage and a woman had to put in 0:07:20.740,0:07:23.110 however two years of special service at 0:07:23.110,0:07:25.030 a temple we tend to think of the 0:07:25.030,0:07:27.760 Christian tradition as being very anti 0:07:27.760,0:07:29.800 divorce and in fact Jesus was the first 0:07:29.800,0:07:31.630 religious leader to prohibit divorce 0:07:31.630,0:07:34.630 equally to men as well as to women but 0:07:34.630,0:07:36.970 for the first ten centuries of its 0:07:36.970,0:07:38.830 existence the church didn't enforce this 0:07:38.830,0:07:41.740 very much in and even when they did 0:07:41.740,0:07:44.500 begin to divorce for example in the 0:07:44.500,0:07:46.780 first three or four centuries there were 0:07:46.780,0:07:49.090 many regions where churches had an early 0:07:49.090,0:07:50.710 version of no-fault divorce you just 0:07:50.710,0:07:52.150 signed a little statement saying that 0:07:52.150,0:07:54.550 because we can no longer because we 0:07:54.550,0:07:56.590 affirmed before God that we can no 0:07:56.590,0:07:58.300 longer live together in harmony will 0:07:58.300,0:08:00.820 part and even after the church began to 0:08:00.820,0:08:03.190 tighten its regulations on this there 0:08:03.190,0:08:04.720 were two ways to get out of a marriage 0:08:04.720,0:08:07.630 that that I was researching for this new 0:08:07.630,0:08:09.250 book and that I thought were kind of 0:08:09.250,0:08:13.210 amusing the first was generally what the 0:08:13.210,0:08:15.460 upper-class did now in those days the 0:08:15.460,0:08:17.710 church had a very peculiar definition of 0:08:17.710,0:08:21.400 incest that if you were related to the 0:08:21.400,0:08:24.280 seventh degree removed it was incestuous 0:08:24.280,0:08:25.600 and you couldn't marry in other words if 0:08:25.600,0:08:26.790 you have the same 0:08:26.790,0:08:27.790 great-great-great-great 0:08:27.790,0:08:32.409 great-grandfather and who didn't in the 0:08:32.409,0:08:35.500 medieval world you were technically in 0:08:35.500,0:08:37.479 violation of the incest rules so people 0:08:37.479,0:08:39.099 just married all the time and violation 0:08:39.099,0:08:41.080 of incest rules and particularly the 0:08:41.080,0:08:43.030 upper classes who wanted to consolidate 0:08:43.030,0:08:44.680 property and marry customs and then if 0:08:44.680,0:08:46.210 they wanted to divorce they would simply 0:08:46.210,0:08:49.920 say ah my conscience is killing me 0:08:49.920,0:08:53.320 turned out I'm married to my cousin it's 0:08:53.320,0:08:55.300 incestuous you got it in the you know 0:08:55.300,0:08:57.400 the church would usually say okay the 0:08:57.400,0:08:59.260 lower class didn't have as much access 0:08:59.260,0:09:02.430 to divorce but they had an interesting 0:09:02.430,0:09:04.810 outlet that might have been a little 0:09:04.810,0:09:07.060 more common than we realize because the 0:09:07.060,0:09:08.410 church also had an interesting position 0:09:08.410,0:09:10.810 that again violates most of our notions 0:09:10.810,0:09:13.360 about traditional marriage the church 0:09:13.360,0:09:15.370 did not demand that marriage take place 0:09:15.370,0:09:18.310 in a church or be blessed by a priest or 0:09:18.310,0:09:20.080 anything like that and in fact through 0:09:20.080,0:09:21.290 most of history marriage 0:09:21.290,0:09:23.420 the relationship between families it 0:09:23.420,0:09:25.339 wasn't enforced by church or state not 0:09:25.339,0:09:28.279 til 1754 did the England require a 0:09:28.279,0:09:31.040 license to get married well an early 0:09:31.040,0:09:33.769 Pope said you know maybe we should make 0:09:33.769,0:09:36.230 the validity of a marriage dependent on 0:09:36.230,0:09:38.930 it happening in church but the tradition 0:09:38.930,0:09:41.480 in the Roman Empire had been that if 0:09:41.480,0:09:44.269 people live together and thought they 0:09:44.269,0:09:45.829 were married then they were married and 0:09:45.829,0:09:47.149 if they lived together and thought they 0:09:47.149,0:09:48.199 weren't married then they weren't 0:09:48.199,0:09:50.660 married there was no legal or formal 0:09:50.660,0:09:53.029 requirement and so his advisors pointed 0:09:53.029,0:09:54.410 out to them that if you made the 0:09:54.410,0:09:56.180 validity of a marriage dependent on a 0:09:56.180,0:09:57.980 Honda on it having them contracted in 0:09:57.980,0:09:58.430 church 0:09:58.430,0:10:00.620 the majority of Europeans would 0:10:00.620,0:10:03.410 instantly end up illegitimate so the 0:10:03.410,0:10:05.420 church took the position that you were 0:10:05.420,0:10:08.060 married they would prefer it if you had 0:10:08.060,0:10:10.009 bands and parental consent in a church 0:10:10.009,0:10:12.259 marriage but if you said that you had 0:10:12.259,0:10:14.329 exchanged words of consent out by the 0:10:14.329,0:10:17.389 woodpile no witnesses no priest then you 0:10:17.389,0:10:19.430 were married and the only way to get out 0:10:19.430,0:10:21.259 of that and this is something that I 0:10:21.259,0:10:23.120 found in my research a surprising number 0:10:23.120,0:10:25.699 of people did was to say just like the 0:10:25.699,0:10:28.130 upper bath Oh my conscience is killing 0:10:28.130,0:10:31.010 me I know I've been living with will for 0:10:31.010,0:10:33.680 the last five years but actually I 0:10:33.680,0:10:35.899 exchanged words of consent six months 0:10:35.899,0:10:38.449 earlier with John newtripper well in 0:10:38.449,0:10:41.709 you've got to go live with him so 0:10:41.709,0:10:44.269 divorce is not Lou and you know some 0:10:44.269,0:10:46.339 people look back nostalgically to the 0:10:46.339,0:10:48.980 days before no-fault divorce or the days 0:10:48.980,0:10:50.750 before divorce at all but in most 0:10:50.750,0:10:52.940 societies that didn't allow divorce all 0:10:52.940,0:10:54.769 that meant is that when desertion 0:10:54.769,0:10:56.449 happened women and children had no 0:10:56.449,0:10:58.579 recourse to get alimony or child support 0:10:58.579,0:11:02.180 and as for no-fault divorce there may 0:11:02.180,0:11:03.410 have been some problems with its 0:11:03.410,0:11:05.240 implementation but I don't think many 0:11:05.240,0:11:06.920 people would like to go back to the 0:11:06.920,0:11:09.769 kinds of cases that I found in the 30s 0:11:09.769,0:11:10.459 and 40s 0:11:10.459,0:11:13.069 the courts used to hold that in order to 0:11:13.069,0:11:15.529 get a divorce both parties had to come 0:11:15.529,0:11:17.720 to the marriage with clean hands that is 0:11:17.720,0:11:20.329 no the one wanting the divorce couldn't 0:11:20.329,0:11:22.220 have done anything to can now how 0:11:22.220,0:11:24.100 realistic is that about real-life 0:11:24.100,0:11:26.360 relationships so you would get cases 0:11:26.360,0:11:29.360 like the mauers in Oregon where the 0:11:29.360,0:11:31.699 judge admitted that the guy was so 0:11:31.699,0:11:33.829 violent that his wife and child lived in 0:11:33.829,0:11:34.780 fear 0:11:34.780,0:11:37.720 the woman had twice throwing things 0:11:37.720,0:11:40.210 across the room and therefore since she 0:11:40.210,0:11:41.950 didn't come to court with clean hands 0:11:41.950,0:11:43.780 even though the marriage was totally 0:11:43.780,0:11:44.380 miserable 0:11:44.380,0:11:46.810 neither of them deserved relief from it 0:11:46.810,0:11:49.150 and it's worth noting incidentally 0:11:49.150,0:11:50.350 whatever the problems with no-fault 0:11:50.350,0:11:52.360 divorce that in the five years after its 0:11:52.360,0:11:54.580 introduction every state that adopted it 0:11:54.580,0:11:57.670 experienced a 20% decline in the suicide 0:11:57.670,0:12:00.100 rate of wives and an even bigger decline 0:12:00.100,0:12:01.270 in the rate at which husbands were 0:12:01.270,0:12:07.630 murdered by wives so as for the idea 0:12:07.630,0:12:09.700 that sex outside marriage is something 0:12:09.700,0:12:12.010 new you know every generation thinks it 0:12:12.010,0:12:16.540 invented sex but in fact throughout most 0:12:16.540,0:12:19.660 of history there was more adultery than 0:12:19.660,0:12:21.340 there is today it was perfectly 0:12:21.340,0:12:23.650 acceptable for men to have mistresses 0:12:23.650,0:12:26.260 and prostitutes as late as the 18th 0:12:26.260,0:12:28.990 century I found that when a wife didn't 0:12:28.990,0:12:30.580 make a fuss about this which was very 0:12:30.580,0:12:33.010 very rare it was so it was considered so 0:12:33.010,0:12:34.900 inappropriate that her own family would 0:12:34.900,0:12:37.270 write letters to her husband saying 0:12:37.270,0:12:39.610 we're sorry she's behaving this way at 0:12:39.610,0:12:43.210 the end of the 19th century on the the 0:12:43.210,0:12:45.790 recourse to prostitutes by men in 0:12:45.790,0:12:47.890 Victorian England and America was so 0:12:47.890,0:12:49.480 great that there was an epidemic of 0:12:49.480,0:12:51.520 venereal disease in respectable 0:12:51.520,0:12:52.990 middle-class homes because they were 0:12:52.990,0:12:55.600 bringing it home to them as for sex 0:12:55.600,0:12:57.790 outside marriage by politicians believe 0:12:57.790,0:13:00.820 me Bill Clinton did not Ellie wait 0:13:00.820,0:13:02.560 started with Thomas Jefferson we now 0:13:02.560,0:13:03.400 know right 0:13:03.400,0:13:05.620 it went through Grover Cleveland who was 0:13:05.620,0:13:06.850 forced to admit that he probably 0:13:06.850,0:13:08.950 fathered a child with a department store 0:13:08.950,0:13:12.430 clerk he'd seduced so that the political 0:13:12.430,0:13:14.680 diddy of the day was mama where's my POG 0:13:14.680,0:13:17.870 onto the White House wha ha ha 0:13:17.870,0:13:21.000 Warren Harding who not only had a 0:13:21.000,0:13:22.770 long-term affair with the wife of a 0:13:22.770,0:13:24.630 family friend but fathered a child with 0:13:24.630,0:13:27.150 a second mistress a teenage girl and of 0:13:27.150,0:13:29.400 course John F Kennedy we now think that 0:13:29.400,0:13:32.340 both Roosevelt and Eisenhower also had 0:13:32.340,0:13:35.580 more discreet Affairs so sex outside 0:13:35.580,0:13:38.220 marriage all of these kinds of things 0:13:38.220,0:13:40.590 that we think are new are not in fact 0:13:40.590,0:13:43.950 new and although for most of European 0:13:43.950,0:13:46.110 and American history marriages were more 0:13:46.110,0:13:48.450 stable than they are today one of the 0:13:48.450,0:13:50.610 reasons they were stable was because 0:13:50.610,0:13:53.400 they were not fair and they were not 0:13:53.400,0:13:56.130 loving relationships husband and wife 0:13:56.130,0:13:58.290 are ones that Anglo American law that 0:13:58.290,0:14:01.500 was a that prevailed until the very end 0:14:01.500,0:14:03.870 of the 19th century and that one is the 0:14:03.870,0:14:07.050 husband he had the right to make all 0:14:07.050,0:14:09.390 decisions for the family he owned and 0:14:09.390,0:14:11.790 controlled all of the property even if 0:14:11.790,0:14:13.890 the woman brought it from inheritance or 0:14:13.890,0:14:16.230 it earned it herself and he they had the 0:14:16.230,0:14:19.470 right to physically restrain his wife to 0:14:19.470,0:14:22.230 Intel 1890s it was until 1897 that the 0:14:22.230,0:14:24.390 British courts ruled that a man didn't 0:14:24.390,0:14:25.860 have the right to imprison the wife in 0:14:25.860,0:14:28.860 his home also had the right to beat his 0:14:28.860,0:14:32.010 wife it was until 1864 that the first 0:14:32.010,0:14:34.260 courts in America began to forbid that I 0:14:34.260,0:14:36.690 did find one prohibition against wife 0:14:36.690,0:14:38.580 abuse in my research and that was in 0:14:38.580,0:14:41.250 16th century London wife of beating your 0:14:41.250,0:14:42.900 wife was prohibited after 9:00 o'clock 0:14:42.900,0:14:45.650 because it would wake the neighbors 0:14:45.650,0:14:49.050 but these marriages were not harmonious 0:14:49.050,0:14:51.360 in the past and nor did traditional 0:14:51.360,0:14:54.210 marriages always protect kids you know 0:14:54.210,0:14:56.160 sometimes we think that they did but 0:14:56.160,0:14:58.980 actually through most of history the 0:14:58.980,0:15:01.860 parents didn't sacrifice their kids kids 0:15:01.860,0:15:04.470 sacrificed for their parents the put you 0:15:04.470,0:15:06.750 know kids were kids were it was child 0:15:06.750,0:15:08.970 labor that provided for the parents 0:15:08.970,0:15:10.770 retirement and instead of saving up for 0:15:10.770,0:15:12.690 the education parents pulled their kids 0:15:12.690,0:15:16.260 out of school and although and right up 0:15:16.260,0:15:18.720 until the 1940s we have a budget-- 0:15:18.720,0:15:21.090 studies malnutrition studies hospital 0:15:21.090,0:15:23.280 records that show that in many families 0:15:23.280,0:15:24.840 that were actually does slightly 0:15:24.840,0:15:27.360 officially above the poverty line there 0:15:27.360,0:15:29.790 were in fact two standards of living in 0:15:29.790,0:15:30.990 that family 0:15:30.990,0:15:33.690 one considerably above the poverty line 0:15:33.690,0:15:37.020 for the man who had protein medical care 0:15:37.020,0:15:40.500 you know meet for dinner and even 0:15:40.500,0:15:43.110 recreational money for beer and one 0:15:43.110,0:15:45.149 considerably below it for the women and 0:15:45.149,0:15:46.860 children that's no longer true in 0:15:46.860,0:15:49.020 America partly because the woman's 0:15:49.020,0:15:50.640 movement has made it possible for a 0:15:50.640,0:15:52.620 woman to lead a marriage that is so 0:15:52.620,0:15:54.899 unfair it remains so true in the rest of 0:15:54.899,0:15:57.660 the world that in Africa and parts of 0:15:57.660,0:16:00.029 Latin America a woman's biggest risk 0:16:00.029,0:16:02.839 factor for AIDS is to be married and 0:16:02.839,0:16:07.230 children in single female-headed 0:16:07.230,0:16:09.029 families where the wife has where the 0:16:09.029,0:16:12.600 woman has a job are often more likely to 0:16:12.600,0:16:14.490 be well nourished and to get education 0:16:14.490,0:16:17.640 than children in two-parent families 0:16:17.640,0:16:20.130 where the wife doesn't control any of 0:16:20.130,0:16:24.899 the income so these things I think lead 0:16:24.899,0:16:26.580 us to suggest that perhaps we shouldn't 0:16:26.580,0:16:29.070 romanticize the past but what is new 0:16:29.070,0:16:31.950 what is new today the first thing is 0:16:31.950,0:16:35.730 that marriage is today about love it's 0:16:35.730,0:16:38.850 about a relationship and as I explained 0:16:38.850,0:16:42.120 in a minute this is a very rare thing to 0:16:42.120,0:16:44.459 find in history and it was a very new 0:16:44.459,0:16:47.010 invention and the second is that both 0:16:47.010,0:16:50.040 men and women have the options not to 0:16:50.040,0:16:53.070 marry or to leave a marriage that they 0:16:53.070,0:16:56.310 find unfair or unloving and I will argue 0:16:56.310,0:16:59.459 that this has created this tremendous 0:16:59.459,0:17:03.779 historical paradox that the very things 0:17:03.779,0:17:09.630 that have made marriage more wonderful 0:17:09.630,0:17:11.790 more potentially fulfilling as a 0:17:11.790,0:17:14.189 relationship have weakened marriage as 0:17:14.189,0:17:16.920 an institution and vice versa the same 0:17:16.920,0:17:18.480 things that have weakened marriage as an 0:17:18.480,0:17:20.069 institution have strength it as a 0:17:20.069,0:17:21.480 relationship what makes for a strong 0:17:21.480,0:17:24.839 institution its rigid rules nobody has a 0:17:24.839,0:17:26.368 choice you don't have a choice 0:17:26.368,0:17:27.959 whether you're a citizen of the United 0:17:27.959,0:17:30.450 States and have to obey its laws right I 0:17:30.450,0:17:33.360 it you don't make individual exceptions 0:17:33.360,0:17:36.030 you don't change the rules over time as 0:17:36.030,0:17:37.650 someone ages well those things make for 0:17:37.650,0:17:41.880 a very strong institution and if I may 0:17:41.880,0:17:45.070 say so they make for a fairly crappy 0:17:45.070,0:17:47.500 you know what makes a strong 0:17:47.500,0:17:49.720 relationship that it's individualized 0:17:49.720,0:17:52.660 that it's negotiated that it's fair that 0:17:52.660,0:17:55.440 you can change the rules that you can 0:17:55.440,0:17:59.020 change it as you grow older but all 0:17:59.020,0:18:00.930 those things make for a less stable 0:18:00.930,0:18:04.630 institution so what we have created as a 0:18:04.630,0:18:07.450 result of these historic changes is that 0:18:07.450,0:18:12.010 a marriage when it works is fairer more 0:18:12.010,0:18:15.340 fulfilling more loving more passionate 0:18:15.340,0:18:18.790 more intimate than any couple I studied 0:18:18.790,0:18:20.920 in history would ever have dared to 0:18:20.920,0:18:27.160 dream but it's also more optional it's 0:18:27.160,0:18:30.670 more fragile it's less bearable when it 0:18:30.670,0:18:33.610 doesn't live up to that potential it's 0:18:33.610,0:18:36.430 hard to unfor me to to think of a way 0:18:36.430,0:18:38.980 that you could keep the one and get rid 0:18:38.980,0:18:42.580 of the other so how did we get here well 0:18:42.580,0:18:44.770 as I said for thousands of years 0:18:44.770,0:18:47.980 marriage was not about love we now 0:18:47.980,0:18:49.750 believe that that contrary to the idea 0:18:49.750,0:18:52.270 that marriage was invented to you know 0:18:52.270,0:18:55.060 protect women or the feminist idea of 0:18:55.060,0:18:58.660 the 70s the obverse that it was invented 0:18:58.660,0:19:01.030 to oppress women marriage wasn't about 0:19:01.030,0:19:02.950 the relationship between individual men 0:19:02.950,0:19:05.290 and women at all it was a way of making 0:19:05.290,0:19:08.290 connections between bands that had to be 0:19:08.290,0:19:10.000 able to cooperate when they met each 0:19:10.000,0:19:10.600 other 0:19:10.600,0:19:12.640 it was a way of turning strangers into 0:19:12.640,0:19:15.880 relatives many languages have the words 0:19:15.880,0:19:18.070 like the ancient anglo-saxon word for 0:19:18.070,0:19:21.940 wife the piece Weaver the maori of new 0:19:21.940,0:19:24.460 zealand say you can cooperate with 0:19:24.460,0:19:26.350 groups in many ways you can have rituals 0:19:26.350,0:19:28.030 you can have dances you can have trading 0:19:28.030,0:19:30.250 partners you can have feasts to get good 0:19:30.250,0:19:32.230 relations but the strongest way to get a 0:19:32.230,0:19:35.650 good relation is to make a link that 0:19:35.650,0:19:37.210 produces a child with a foot in both 0:19:37.210,0:19:40.630 camps so we believe now that marriage 0:19:40.630,0:19:43.630 was invented to get in-laws of course 0:19:43.630,0:19:46.350 that 0:19:47.010,0:19:49.690 yeah I know nowadays we think goodness 0:19:49.690,0:19:51.340 we want our in-laws out of our marriage 0:19:51.340,0:19:53.019 and that that's yet another good example 0:19:53.019,0:19:56.080 of the things that have improved 0:19:56.080,0:19:57.970 marriage as a relationship the fact that 0:19:57.970,0:19:59.350 your parents don't tell you who you have 0:19:59.350,0:20:01.330 to marry and the in-laws can't intervene 0:20:01.330,0:20:03.909 have also removed one of the sources of 0:20:03.909,0:20:07.510 stability especially after you began to 0:20:07.510,0:20:11.620 get more differences of wealth and power 0:20:11.620,0:20:13.630 in a community you know if I was a 0:20:13.630,0:20:16.330 member of a band and we had to we were 0:20:16.330,0:20:19.179 going to exchange spouses you know I 0:20:19.179,0:20:22.870 might send my son to marry you know from 0:20:22.870,0:20:24.340 the other band and I could allow my son 0:20:24.340,0:20:26.380 a little bit of choice in that as long 0:20:26.380,0:20:28.149 as you know he knew he had to marry out 0:20:28.149,0:20:30.250 or my daughter had to marry out but 0:20:30.250,0:20:32.559 let's say now we're in a society where 0:20:32.559,0:20:35.320 I'm one of the real upper classes or 0:20:35.320,0:20:38.019 almost upper class in that I'm not going 0:20:38.019,0:20:40.750 to let my son just marry anybody in that 0:20:40.750,0:20:42.490 other group I want to marry someone 0:20:42.490,0:20:46.990 equally or preferably more wealthy and 0:20:46.990,0:20:50.019 powerful so at that point in history and 0:20:50.019,0:20:51.820 it was really where the ancient 0:20:51.820,0:20:54.159 civilizations begin to arise marriage 0:20:54.159,0:20:57.990 becomes the center of intrigue and 0:20:57.990,0:21:01.059 calculation and remain so for thousands 0:21:01.059,0:21:02.799 of years I mean we look back at stories 0:21:02.799,0:21:05.260 like Anthony and Cleopatra not a love 0:21:05.260,0:21:08.919 story you know a self-interested power 0:21:08.919,0:21:11.620 play by the to super power by by two 0:21:11.620,0:21:13.960 individuals of the two superpowers of 0:21:13.960,0:21:16.000 the world attempting to bring them 0:21:16.000,0:21:18.610 together there's incest bigamy murder 0:21:18.610,0:21:21.309 betrayal false paternity suits you name 0:21:21.309,0:21:24.880 it everything I think but love for 0:21:24.880,0:21:27.220 thousands of years marriage was about 0:21:27.220,0:21:29.799 making these political and economic 0:21:29.799,0:21:32.110 alliances for the upper classes it was 0:21:32.110,0:21:34.210 the way you consolidated property made 0:21:34.210,0:21:37.659 business mergers I laid a claim to 0:21:37.659,0:21:39.309 social status so that you could claim to 0:21:39.309,0:21:41.380 rule yo you were descended from royalty 0:21:41.380,0:21:43.750 on both sides was a way of concluding 0:21:43.750,0:21:45.240 peace treaties and making military 0:21:45.240,0:21:47.860 alliances for the middle classes it was 0:21:47.860,0:21:49.830 also an economic and political 0:21:49.830,0:21:52.600 calculation you know the debtor in 0:21:52.600,0:21:55.380 Europe of course the dowry than a man 0:21:55.380,0:21:57.480 and right up until the 18th century once 0:21:57.480,0:22:00.540 they earn maybe God at marriage was the 0:22:00.540,0:22:02.760 biggest it was usually the biggest 0:22:02.760,0:22:04.770 infusion of cash and property would ever 0:22:04.770,0:22:07.200 get at a single time so the dowry was of 0:22:07.200,0:22:08.580 a lot more interest than the daughter 0:22:08.580,0:22:12.870 and for women of course it was the way 0:22:12.870,0:22:16.710 having a dowry was the way your parents 0:22:16.710,0:22:18.510 brought you a little economic security 0:22:18.510,0:22:21.660 so today of course we in we save up for 0:22:21.660,0:22:23.100 college we try to send our kids to 0:22:23.100,0:22:24.750 college to give them some Economic 0:22:24.750,0:22:26.910 Security and one of the things that 0:22:26.910,0:22:28.380 parents say is you don't have a choice 0:22:28.380,0:22:30.150 about doing your homework when you're in 0:22:30.150,0:22:32.160 high school you know because this is the 0:22:32.160,0:22:33.780 providing for your future well that's 0:22:33.780,0:22:36.120 the way your parents felt about arranged 0:22:36.120,0:22:37.440 marriages at the time you don't have a 0:22:37.440,0:22:39.060 choice about who you marriage I'm 0:22:39.060,0:22:41.310 providing for your future and often for 0:22:41.310,0:22:44.490 ours as well and that's the way it goes 0:22:44.490,0:22:47.720 even in the lower classes marriage was a 0:22:47.720,0:22:50.340 practical matter you couldn't run a farm 0:22:50.340,0:22:52.860 or a business by yourself you needed 0:22:52.860,0:22:55.500 someone your neighbors were integrally 0:22:55.500,0:22:57.150 concerned is this someone who's going to 0:22:57.150,0:22:59.460 fit in with us and neighbors had a lot 0:22:59.460,0:23:01.260 of say it turns out over who married 0:23:01.260,0:23:03.030 whom your parents were also concerned 0:23:03.030,0:23:04.380 what if you why don't why don't you 0:23:04.380,0:23:05.970 marry this person because they have 0:23:05.970,0:23:07.470 connections at court or they have a 0:23:07.470,0:23:09.510 relative where their land holdings are 0:23:09.510,0:23:12.480 near to ours and so we find there too 0:23:12.480,0:23:16.290 that even in even where individuals had 0:23:16.290,0:23:17.730 choice they were more likely to choose 0:23:17.730,0:23:20.190 someone who was a good work partner than 0:23:20.190,0:23:22.350 somebody you know who they weren't madly 0:23:22.350,0:23:25.140 in love with so for centuries what's 0:23:25.140,0:23:26.670 love got to do with it could have been 0:23:26.670,0:23:29.970 the theme song for most marriages now 0:23:29.970,0:23:32.280 that people didn't fall in love but it's 0:23:32.280,0:23:33.990 no accident that most love stories 0:23:33.990,0:23:35.360 throughout history were tragedies 0:23:35.360,0:23:37.650 married wasn't the happy ending to a 0:23:37.650,0:23:39.510 love story it was usually the unhappy 0:23:39.510,0:23:42.000 ending to a love story when people came 0:23:42.000,0:23:43.560 to terms with what their parents would 0:23:43.560,0:23:45.390 or what their needs were and got married 0:23:45.390,0:23:48.380 and then about two hundred years ago 0:23:48.380,0:23:52.350 some circles in Europe and America in 0:23:52.350,0:23:55.620 the process of the Enlightenment and the 0:23:55.620,0:23:58.380 French and American revolutions began to 0:23:58.380,0:24:00.180 spread the radical idea that had been 0:24:00.180,0:24:01.789 broached occasional 0:24:01.789,0:24:04.970 a tentatively the beginning to spread 0:24:04.970,0:24:07.369 over the last couple hundred years but 0:24:07.369,0:24:11.269 never had one out you know never the 0:24:11.269,0:24:14.450 idea was by the 16th and 17th century 0:24:14.450,0:24:15.769 people were saying well maybe you should 0:24:15.769,0:24:17.269 marry someone you could learn to love 0:24:17.269,0:24:19.879 but marrying someone just for love not a 0:24:19.879,0:24:22.639 good idea in the 18th century especially 0:24:22.639,0:24:24.109 the Enlightenment had a big influence 0:24:24.109,0:24:26.570 here the idea that the state and the 0:24:26.570,0:24:28.369 older generation shouldn't dictate to 0:24:28.369,0:24:30.590 young people they should maybe be able 0:24:30.590,0:24:32.470 to choose their partners for themselves 0:24:32.470,0:24:35.359 combine that with the radical idea of 0:24:35.359,0:24:36.859 the French Revolution I mean in front 0:24:36.859,0:24:38.779 American Revolution Declaration of 0:24:38.779,0:24:41.479 Independence pursuit of happiness people 0:24:41.479,0:24:43.220 had a right to the pursuit of happiness 0:24:43.220,0:24:46.999 and you get this new idea that people 0:24:46.999,0:24:48.259 should choose their own marriage 0:24:48.259,0:24:50.330 partners and they should do so on the 0:24:50.330,0:24:52.549 basis of what would make them happy they 0:24:52.549,0:24:54.679 should do so on the basis of love and 0:24:54.679,0:24:57.289 one of the funny amusing things to me 0:24:57.289,0:24:58.789 and researching this that I didn't 0:24:58.789,0:25:01.609 realize was that traditionalists of the 0:25:01.609,0:25:03.710 day social conservatives of the day 0:25:03.710,0:25:05.450 defenders of what was then the 0:25:05.450,0:25:07.159 traditional marriage of political and 0:25:07.159,0:25:11.419 economic calculation were horrified they 0:25:11.419,0:25:13.210 thought that this was going to be a 0:25:13.210,0:25:14.450 disaster 0:25:14.450,0:25:17.149 you've opened a Pandora's box they said 0:25:17.149,0:25:18.769 look if you say that marriage should be 0:25:18.769,0:25:20.570 about love how are you going to get the 0:25:20.570,0:25:22.220 right people to marry each other one of 0:25:22.220,0:25:24.609 the most am I don't love him you know 0:25:24.609,0:25:27.679 how will we make our you know our social 0:25:27.679,0:25:30.950 status work how will we prevent the 0:25:30.950,0:25:33.379 wrong people from demanding the right to 0:25:33.379,0:25:35.749 marry and today of course that is 0:25:35.749,0:25:37.909 playing out over demands for gay and 0:25:37.909,0:25:39.799 lesbian marriage but at the time they 0:25:39.799,0:25:41.779 didn't want poor people to marry you 0:25:41.779,0:25:43.039 know today we say oh let's marry them 0:25:43.039,0:25:44.389 off and that'll somehow solve their 0:25:44.389,0:25:47.029 poverty they said no let's not allow 0:25:47.029,0:25:48.830 them to marry or reproduce and that'll 0:25:48.830,0:25:50.899 somehow solve their poverty so they said 0:25:50.899,0:25:53.359 what do you do if to poor people fall in 0:25:53.359,0:25:56.599 love and demand the right to marry what 0:25:56.599,0:25:59.659 will we do about people who get married 0:25:59.659,0:26:01.840 and then find that they're not happy 0:26:01.840,0:26:04.249 won't they demand the right to divorce 0:26:04.249,0:26:08.029 and even scarier for them at the time is 0:26:08.029,0:26:09.799 what will happen to this male dominance 0:26:09.799,0:26:11.599 that has been there for so many 0:26:11.599,0:26:13.730 thousands of years if you get people to 0:26:13.730,0:26:14.509 marry for love 0:26:14.509,0:26:16.309 won't men start giving in to their wives 0:26:16.309,0:26:19.429 so they predicted basically that love 0:26:19.429,0:26:22.239 would be the death of marriage and 0:26:22.239,0:26:27.639 actually it turns out they had a boy but 0:26:27.639,0:26:30.589 but it took another hundred and fifty 0:26:30.589,0:26:32.779 years for the radical implications of 0:26:32.779,0:26:35.059 that to play themselves out because the 0:26:35.059,0:26:38.419 instant that the love match was invented 0:26:38.419,0:26:42.529 people did begin to demand the right not 0:26:42.529,0:26:45.049 to marry if they didn't fall in love and 0:26:45.049,0:26:47.119 to get social respect for making that 0:26:47.119,0:26:49.819 choice they began to demand the right to 0:26:49.819,0:26:53.449 divorce if the marriage was loveless 0:26:53.449,0:26:56.779 they began to question female 0:26:56.779,0:27:00.249 subordination and they began to question 0:27:00.249,0:27:02.779 but it's always been the dark side of 0:27:02.779,0:27:04.759 the strong institution of marriage and 0:27:04.759,0:27:06.859 that is the notion of illegitimate see I 0:27:06.859,0:27:08.899 said earlier that we think marriage was 0:27:08.899,0:27:11.119 invented to turn strangers into 0:27:11.119,0:27:14.719 relatives but the flip side of marriage 0:27:14.719,0:27:17.269 illegitimate see was invented to turn 0:27:17.269,0:27:20.059 relatives into strangers and throughout 0:27:20.059,0:27:23.449 the centuries millions of gets lost all 0:27:23.449,0:27:26.659 access to their husband to it to our 0:27:26.659,0:27:28.459 mother and father because the husband 0:27:28.459,0:27:29.929 and mother were not in an improved 0:27:29.929,0:27:32.719 marriage so people began to question 0:27:32.719,0:27:35.659 that it's no accident that illegitimate 0:27:35.659,0:27:37.309 children were called love children 0:27:37.309,0:27:39.979 people we began to say why do we have 0:27:39.979,0:27:42.019 these penalties for legitimacy if they 0:27:42.019,0:27:44.839 were conceived in love all of those 0:27:44.839,0:27:47.449 things were raised the instant that the 0:27:47.449,0:27:49.399 love match was raised so conservatives 0:27:49.399,0:27:51.289 were right to be frightened but it took 0:27:51.289,0:27:53.299 a hundred and fifty years on to play 0:27:53.299,0:27:56.839 themselves out first of all in the 19th 0:27:56.839,0:27:59.479 century they developed what they were 0:27:59.479,0:28:01.669 very concerned about this because there 0:28:01.669,0:28:04.309 was a wave of women's movements and 0:28:04.309,0:28:08.239 demands for divorce in in France America 0:28:08.239,0:28:10.669 Europe across even demands for 0:28:10.669,0:28:12.649 legitimation of gay and lesbian unions 0:28:12.649,0:28:13.999 they didn't call them marriage but they 0:28:13.999,0:28:15.469 said if people love each other you know 0:28:15.469,0:28:17.449 we should recognize a valid relationship 0:28:17.449,0:28:19.579 France developed the slogan there are no 0:28:19.579,0:28:21.440 bastards in France they wanted to get 0:28:21.440,0:28:23.510 rid of illegitimate 0:28:23.510,0:28:26.059 in America there were demands for 0:28:26.059,0:28:28.490 equality within marriage and free choice 0:28:28.490,0:28:31.010 and the right to remain single but these 0:28:31.010,0:28:33.380 were pushed back in the 19th century by 0:28:33.380,0:28:36.110 a combination of I'm almost conscious 0:28:36.110,0:28:39.950 campaign to redefine love and marriage 0:28:39.950,0:28:41.570 in ways that made it a little more 0:28:41.570,0:28:44.360 manageable and that was this new idea 0:28:44.360,0:28:46.940 about the separation of spheres and that 0:28:46.940,0:28:50.269 that now men were considered not to be 0:28:50.269,0:28:52.250 in charge of women but they were 0:28:52.250,0:28:54.649 considered so different that own that 0:28:54.649,0:28:56.539 men and women were only halfway human 0:28:56.539,0:28:58.730 beings without each other that men were 0:28:58.730,0:29:00.980 the ones the only ones who could go out 0:29:00.980,0:29:03.049 and bring home the bacon you know in 0:29:03.049,0:29:05.029 contrary to you know thousands of years 0:29:05.029,0:29:07.309 of evidence to the contrary this new 0:29:07.309,0:29:09.139 idea developed that they should be the 0:29:09.139,0:29:10.880 ones who protected women and women 0:29:10.880,0:29:13.220 should stay home women by contrast were 0:29:13.220,0:29:15.710 the ones in charge of nurturing men 0:29:15.710,0:29:17.659 weren't capable of that contrary to 0:29:17.659,0:29:19.580 thousands of years of evidence to the 0:29:19.580,0:29:21.320 contrary where men were the ones who 0:29:21.320,0:29:23.090 remembered birthdays and organized 0:29:23.090,0:29:26.000 funerals and weddings so these new ideas 0:29:26.000,0:29:28.220 about strict gender roles women 0:29:28.220,0:29:31.700 passionless sexless again contrary to 0:29:31.700,0:29:33.649 the medieval idea that women were the 0:29:33.649,0:29:36.529 more sexual sex these kind of developed 0:29:36.529,0:29:39.380 to create a sense that men and women 0:29:39.380,0:29:43.610 could only reach humanity by combining 0:29:43.610,0:29:46.639 in marriage it looks we look back at 0:29:46.639,0:29:47.870 those Victorian marriages and 0:29:47.870,0:29:50.690 romanticize them they were very stable 0:29:50.690,0:29:53.450 and they did have a lot of you know sort 0:29:53.450,0:29:55.700 of sentimental rhetoric around them but 0:29:55.700,0:29:56.899 actually when you scratch the surface 0:29:56.899,0:29:59.059 they were often quite unhappy because 0:29:59.059,0:30:01.220 this new definition of men and women as 0:30:01.220,0:30:04.010 polar opposites didn't exactly foster 0:30:04.010,0:30:07.370 intimacy in marriage you know women 0:30:07.370,0:30:09.500 often refer to men as the grosser sex 0:30:09.500,0:30:12.169 they were terrified of marriage do to 0:30:12.169,0:30:15.010 get with this guy and men for their part 0:30:15.010,0:30:17.960 really didn't know how to deal with you 0:30:17.960,0:30:21.200 know these virginal pure angels in the 0:30:21.200,0:30:23.630 house and often expressed considerable 0:30:23.630,0:30:26.120 discomfort about how to be around them 0:30:26.120,0:30:27.980 that prostitutes were better company 0:30:27.980,0:30:29.659 than the kind of woman that they'd like 0:30:29.659,0:30:31.669 to marry and there were all sorts of 0:30:31.669,0:30:34.340 sexual tensions in Victorian marriage so 0:30:34.340,0:30:36.870 until you had a sexual revolution 0:30:36.870,0:30:40.890 18 20s that particular part of radical 0:30:40.890,0:30:42.720 implication of the love match could not 0:30:42.720,0:30:46.250 play itself out also of course you had 0:30:46.250,0:30:49.440 unreliable birth control and despite the 0:30:49.440,0:30:51.690 attempt of France to outlaw legitimacy 0:30:51.690,0:30:54.090 the strong penalties for legitimacy 0:30:54.090,0:30:58.010 remained in in play until the nineteen 0:30:58.010,0:31:00.360 1960s and 1970s most people don't 0:31:00.360,0:31:02.280 realize this but until it Court Supreme 0:31:02.280,0:31:07.350 Court decision in 1968 a child who was 0:31:07.350,0:31:09.390 born to and raised by an unmarried 0:31:09.390,0:31:13.020 mother did not have any right to collect 0:31:13.020,0:31:15.480 on her debts if she died didn't have no 0:31:15.480,0:31:17.970 claim on her family for inheritance and 0:31:17.970,0:31:20.970 if she was killed by the wrongful act of 0:31:20.970,0:31:22.920 an employer or someone else could not 0:31:22.920,0:31:24.059 sue for damages 0:31:24.059,0:31:26.370 so the harsh penalties against 0:31:26.370,0:31:29.070 illegitimate C and the unreliability of 0:31:29.070,0:31:31.590 birth control prevented the radical 0:31:31.590,0:31:33.240 implications of the love match from 0:31:33.240,0:31:35.610 playing out there furthermore there was 0:31:35.610,0:31:37.950 the ability of elites and employers to 0:31:37.950,0:31:40.380 dictate behavior so even though people 0:31:40.380,0:31:42.300 were more and more talking about the 0:31:42.300,0:31:43.860 idea that you ought to be able to 0:31:43.860,0:31:45.960 divorce if you wanted to and that love 0:31:45.960,0:31:47.670 match you know was more important that 0:31:47.670,0:31:49.380 actual love was more important than a 0:31:49.380,0:31:51.570 marriage license you could get penalized 0:31:51.570,0:31:55.080 terribly right up until the 1950s men 0:31:55.080,0:31:57.090 who were not married by a respectable 0:31:57.090,0:31:58.890 age or who were divorced could be denied 0:31:58.890,0:32:01.290 promotions and employment and of course 0:32:01.290,0:32:03.090 women were just ostracized if they had a 0:32:03.090,0:32:04.890 baby they did have babies out of wedlock 0:32:04.890,0:32:06.420 but they usually put them up for 0:32:06.420,0:32:07.860 adoption or went and went away and 0:32:07.860,0:32:10.770 pretended nothing had happened and then 0:32:10.770,0:32:13.410 of course there was the legal authority 0:32:13.410,0:32:16.200 of men in marriage despite the fact that 0:32:16.200,0:32:19.380 by the light 19th century violence was 0:32:19.380,0:32:23.160 not acceptable and women began and 0:32:23.160,0:32:25.410 gained their own property rights most 0:32:25.410,0:32:26.910 people don't realize that right up until 0:32:26.910,0:32:29.370 the 1970s most states in this country 0:32:29.370,0:32:32.160 and had head and master laws and all of 0:32:32.160,0:32:34.050 Western Europe did which gave men the 0:32:34.050,0:32:36.540 final right to make the say they have 0:32:36.540,0:32:37.980 the final decision about most things 0:32:37.980,0:32:40.679 that went on in the home and marriage 0:32:40.679,0:32:43.920 was defined very unequally that men but 0:32:43.920,0:32:45.780 not women had a duty to support the 0:32:45.780,0:32:48.780 family women but not men have the duty 0:32:48.780,0:32:50.520 to take care of the kids 0:32:50.520,0:32:52.710 do the housekeeping and provide sex 0:32:52.710,0:32:55.200 which is why wasn't it all the 1980s 0:32:55.200,0:32:57.210 that it was possible to say that marital 0:32:57.210,0:32:59.460 rape was a crime if you were raped even 0:32:59.460,0:33:01.650 violently by her husband you had no 0:33:01.650,0:33:03.690 recourse up until then because the legal 0:33:03.690,0:33:05.340 definition of marriage was that once 0:33:05.340,0:33:07.380 you'd said I do you'd said I will 0:33:07.380,0:33:10.680 forever so as long as that legal 0:33:10.680,0:33:12.990 authority of men in marriage prevailed 0:33:12.990,0:33:16.920 it was again a consent of tenth tamped 0:33:16.920,0:33:19.080 down the implicate the radical 0:33:19.080,0:33:20.790 implications of the love match and then 0:33:20.790,0:33:23.610 above all the thing that really held in 0:33:23.610,0:33:25.530 check was the economic dependence of 0:33:25.530,0:33:28.560 women on men so that you know we tend to 0:33:28.560,0:33:30.180 think that that women are the more 0:33:30.180,0:33:32.430 romantic sex but actually it was men who 0:33:32.430,0:33:34.350 were able to embrace the love revolution 0:33:34.350,0:33:36.660 first and in the 19th century I read 0:33:36.660,0:33:39.510 diaries and letters and the men are like 0:33:39.510,0:33:41.220 oh I'm just madly in love with this 0:33:41.220,0:33:43.500 woman I can't wait to marry her and the 0:33:43.500,0:33:46.410 women are like well you know my heart 0:33:46.410,0:33:49.740 inclines to Harry but you know John over 0:33:49.740,0:33:51.990 there has got better economic prospects 0:33:51.990,0:33:54.840 it's late as 1967 there was a college a 0:33:54.840,0:33:56.880 poll of college students in America and 0:33:56.880,0:33:59.550 they found that only 5% of the men but 0:33:59.550,0:34:01.080 two-thirds of the women said they would 0:34:01.080,0:34:02.910 consider marrying someone they didn't 0:34:02.910,0:34:05.510 love if he met all their other criteria 0:34:05.510,0:34:08.639 well in the last thirty years all of 0:34:08.639,0:34:10.949 those things have been swept away we 0:34:10.949,0:34:13.679 have reliable birth control we have 0:34:13.679,0:34:14.699 destroyed 0:34:14.699,0:34:17.100 we have abolished the old penalties for 0:34:17.100,0:34:19.489 a legitimacy important humanitarian 0:34:19.489,0:34:22.649 reform but one that has weakened the 0:34:22.649,0:34:24.690 ability of marriage to dictate people's 0:34:24.690,0:34:26.510 lives in the distribution of resources 0:34:26.510,0:34:30.929 we have told people that they cannot 0:34:30.929,0:34:32.760 discriminate on the basis of personal 0:34:32.760,0:34:34.739 behavior that we use objective behavior 0:34:34.739,0:34:36.179 to decide whether you can get into 0:34:36.179,0:34:37.500 college or whether you're going to be 0:34:37.500,0:34:40.560 promoted at a job again decreasing the 0:34:40.560,0:34:43.260 coercive power of elites we've removed 0:34:43.260,0:34:46.770 the legal authority of men in marriage 0:34:46.770,0:34:50.489 we've allowed women access to education 0:34:50.489,0:34:53.040 and above all we've had women enter into 0:34:53.040,0:34:55.080 the workforce in terms that make them 0:34:55.080,0:34:57.870 more possible to be able to either 0:34:57.870,0:35:00.900 refuse marriage even if they pregnant or 0:35:00.900,0:35:04.170 to leave a marriage marriage has changed 0:35:04.170,0:35:06.840 more in the last thirty years than the 0:35:06.840,0:35:09.390 previous three thousand five hundred it 0:35:09.390,0:35:13.560 is a worldwide irreversible revolution 0:35:13.560,0:35:14.760 that I've come to think of as the 0:35:14.760,0:35:16.850 equivalent of the Industrial Revolution 0:35:16.850,0:35:20.370 and like the Industrial Revolution it 0:35:20.370,0:35:23.640 really shook things up you know I mean 0:35:23.640,0:35:26.250 the Industrial Revolution has had some 0:35:26.250,0:35:28.860 long-term benefits of course but at the 0:35:28.860,0:35:31.440 time there were lots of tragedies you 0:35:31.440,0:35:33.900 know for every individual who found a 0:35:33.900,0:35:37.110 new way to to move out of the pack and 0:35:37.110,0:35:39.570 develop a new entrepreneurial success 0:35:39.570,0:35:43.050 there were a dozen who lost their old 0:35:43.050,0:35:44.880 ways of living and were displaced from 0:35:44.880,0:35:47.280 their farms and had to go into dangerous 0:35:47.280,0:35:51.540 factories but you know you really didn't 0:35:51.540,0:35:53.400 have a choice you couldn't say well 0:35:53.400,0:35:54.960 we're going to shoehorn everybody back 0:35:54.960,0:35:57.480 onto self-sufficient farms you had to 0:35:57.480,0:35:59.250 say well look if we don't like the way 0:35:59.250,0:36:00.690 this is working this industrial 0:36:00.690,0:36:05.190 revolution we have to find new routes to 0:36:05.190,0:36:07.020 self-employment for people because the 0:36:07.020,0:36:09.750 old ways are gone and we have to 0:36:09.750,0:36:11.220 recognize that corporations and 0:36:11.220,0:36:13.530 factories are here to stay so instead of 0:36:13.530,0:36:15.510 you know sitting around cursing at them 0:36:15.510,0:36:19.050 we need to reform them right well I 0:36:19.050,0:36:21.570 would say the analogy is completely 0:36:21.570,0:36:24.930 holds for this change in in marriage we 0:36:24.930,0:36:28.320 there is no way we will shoehorn people 0:36:28.320,0:36:31.740 back into lifelong universal early 0:36:31.740,0:36:33.860 marriage where we can be sure that all 0:36:33.860,0:36:35.940 obligations will be contracted in 0:36:35.940,0:36:38.580 marriage and all interdependencies will 0:36:38.580,0:36:40.680 be taken care of and all child-rearing 0:36:40.680,0:36:44.310 will take care of that there's no way 0:36:44.310,0:36:46.320 we're going to actually be able to just 0:36:46.320,0:36:48.780 completely ignore as we did for 0:36:48.780,0:36:52.230 centuries the accidents that that were 0:36:52.230,0:36:55.020 outside of marriage the rising you add 0:36:55.020,0:36:56.790 these other changes that I've talked 0:36:56.790,0:36:59.430 about to the rising age of marriage so 0:36:59.430,0:37:01.860 that there's now a 10 to 15 year or 0:37:01.860,0:37:05.520 longer period of sexual maturity between 0:37:05.520,0:37:07.410 the time that people reach puberty and 0:37:07.410,0:37:10.290 the time they get married no Society in 0:37:10.290,0:37:12.090 history has ever kept young people 0:37:12.090,0:37:14.880 celibate that long say marriage is no 0:37:14.880,0:37:16.260 longer the only place for 0:37:16.260,0:37:19.470 sex people get initiated into sex the 0:37:19.470,0:37:22.950 separation of reproduction means that in 0:37:22.950,0:37:27.390 that some people can have children who 0:37:27.390,0:37:29.160 never would have been able to have them 0:37:29.160,0:37:31.620 before which means that wonderful 0:37:31.620,0:37:33.570 wonderful gain from married couples who 0:37:33.570,0:37:35.520 are infertile but it also means it's 0:37:35.520,0:37:37.470 next to impossible to prevent single 0:37:37.470,0:37:39.570 women or gays and lesbians from having 0:37:39.570,0:37:41.520 children it also means that more and 0:37:41.520,0:37:43.860 more marriages are childless so that the 0:37:43.860,0:37:46.320 old equation of marriage with childhood 0:37:46.320,0:37:48.180 is broken down you add that the 0:37:48.180,0:37:50.160 invention of consumer products that do 0:37:50.160,0:37:51.810 away with the need of a full-time 0:37:51.810,0:37:54.270 housewife and you have a situation where 0:37:54.270,0:37:57.900 this is an irreversible change yes it 0:37:57.900,0:38:02.130 causes lots of problems you know these 0:38:02.130,0:38:05.250 shakeups are very disturbing you know 0:38:05.250,0:38:06.540 and the entry of women into the 0:38:06.540,0:38:09.000 workforce in a in a country that has 0:38:09.000,0:38:12.150 unlike other the European countries has 0:38:12.150,0:38:13.860 not caught up with these changes and 0:38:13.860,0:38:15.990 doesn't have subsidized parental leave 0:38:15.990,0:38:18.510 policies or good childcare this is a 0:38:18.510,0:38:22.260 problem for people the new access to 0:38:22.260,0:38:25.290 divorce yes some divorces deliver people 0:38:25.290,0:38:27.390 from very difficult situations but in 0:38:27.390,0:38:29.370 other cases they're very very painful 0:38:29.370,0:38:31.500 and the kids and the adults alike go 0:38:31.500,0:38:34.890 through agonizing changes remarriage and 0:38:34.890,0:38:37.140 stepfamilies it's hard to blend a family 0:38:37.140,0:38:39.570 the ability of women to say no to a 0:38:39.570,0:38:42.780 shotgun marriage good in some ways but 0:38:42.780,0:38:45.960 also creates economic burdens for them 0:38:45.960,0:38:47.700 and of course it's really hard to raise 0:38:47.700,0:38:51.210 a kid when you have one parent only you 0:38:51.210,0:38:53.400 know having just got my own kid off to 0:38:53.400,0:38:56.010 what is now a very successful college 0:38:56.010,0:38:57.960 and post college career but he was a 0:38:57.960,0:39:00.420 handful I you know think three or four 0:39:00.420,0:39:03.510 good parents well would have been a help 0:39:03.510,0:39:08.580 far less trying to do it as one but just 0:39:08.580,0:39:10.410 as with the Industrial Revolution these 0:39:10.410,0:39:13.290 changes are here to stay the question is 0:39:13.290,0:39:16.950 not what we wish we could accomplish but 0:39:16.950,0:39:19.410 how do we build on the gains that we 0:39:19.410,0:39:21.840 have and there have been many gains you 0:39:21.840,0:39:23.670 know for the in the position of women in 0:39:23.670,0:39:25.890 the improvement of the relationship of 0:39:25.890,0:39:28.530 marriage how do we minimize the losses 0:39:28.530,0:39:30.090 and there have 0:39:30.090,0:39:32.610 losses and challenges to us but that's 0:39:32.610,0:39:35.430 the question not how do we turn the 0:39:35.430,0:39:37.650 clock back and as it turns out once you 0:39:37.650,0:39:41.070 ask that question there is exciting new 0:39:41.070,0:39:43.620 research that shows that we can meet 0:39:43.620,0:39:45.720 these challenges that dual earner 0:39:45.720,0:39:48.330 families don't have to be so stressful 0:39:48.330,0:39:51.360 and in fact although there is extra time 0:39:51.360,0:39:53.370 there are real time management problems 0:39:53.370,0:39:55.380 that when they have access to decent 0:39:55.380,0:39:59.280 childcare or leaves these these there's 0:39:59.280,0:40:01.500 less likelihood of depression than there 0:40:01.500,0:40:03.570 is in more traditional male breadwinner 0:40:03.570,0:40:07.740 families there is men whose wives work 0:40:07.740,0:40:09.930 are much more likely to become hands-on 0:40:09.930,0:40:12.030 fathers and that has tremendous benefits 0:40:12.030,0:40:14.520 for the kids it raises boys who are more 0:40:14.520,0:40:17.160 empathetic and it raises girls who are 0:40:17.160,0:40:19.260 more likely to succeed especially in 0:40:19.260,0:40:22.170 non-traditional fields even the use of 0:40:22.170,0:40:24.870 child care is not bad when when you 0:40:24.870,0:40:27.410 actually look at good child care it 0:40:27.410,0:40:31.470 substitutes for the historical loss of 0:40:31.470,0:40:33.780 all of these sources of non parental 0:40:33.780,0:40:36.330 care and peer socialization outside of 0:40:36.330,0:40:37.950 the families that we don't have in our 0:40:37.950,0:40:40.590 commuter neighborhoods you know in our 0:40:40.590,0:40:43.410 smaller families today and improves kids 0:40:43.410,0:40:46.080 social and economic adjustment although 0:40:46.080,0:40:49.950 I'm not good unregulated childcare does 0:40:49.950,0:40:52.560 not do that we know how to make 0:40:52.560,0:40:55.860 marriages work better there's lots of 0:40:55.860,0:40:59.340 fascinating wonderful fun new research 0:40:59.340,0:41:02.340 on how to make marriages work better but 0:41:02.340,0:41:04.470 part of it has to do with weeding out 0:41:04.470,0:41:06.390 incompatible couples before they get 0:41:06.390,0:41:08.190 marriage so we're not going to get 0:41:08.190,0:41:11.010 everybody back into marriage and we're 0:41:11.010,0:41:13.710 not going to make divorce disappear it's 0:41:13.710,0:41:15.870 been rising in a steady line ever since 0:41:15.870,0:41:17.550 the invention of a love match and 0:41:17.550,0:41:19.800 although it is leveled off the divorce 0:41:19.800,0:41:22.410 rates actually come down by 26% since 0:41:22.410,0:41:25.290 1981 there is still going to be divorced 0:41:25.290,0:41:28.020 but we know how to teach people to 0:41:28.020,0:41:30.450 divorce better and to minimize the 0:41:30.450,0:41:32.370 damage that's associated with it that 0:41:32.370,0:41:35.130 same is true for single parenthood we 0:41:35.130,0:41:37.380 actually know what we can do to minimize 0:41:37.380,0:41:40.470 the impacts of that little thing I'll 0:41:40.470,0:41:42.690 just I can talk about these more on the 0:41:42.690,0:41:43.250 question 0:41:43.250,0:41:46.430 if you like but little things dolts and 0:41:46.430,0:41:48.260 single-parent families actually read to 0:41:48.260,0:41:50.000 and talk to their kids more than adults 0:41:50.000,0:41:52.070 and two-parent families if you can 0:41:52.070,0:41:54.140 harness that and channel it in 0:41:54.140,0:41:56.450 productive ways and make sure that that 0:41:56.450,0:41:59.300 talking doesn't become inappropriate 0:41:59.300,0:42:02.270 like venting about things that the kids 0:42:02.270,0:42:04.370 shouldn't know those kids can turn out 0:42:04.370,0:42:06.800 just fine so I don't want to be a 0:42:06.800,0:42:10.550 Pollyanna we do face real challenges but 0:42:10.550,0:42:13.010 we have to be realists you're not going 0:42:13.010,0:42:15.380 to turn the clock back so let's figure 0:42:15.380,0:42:18.100 out how we can build on these 0:42:18.100,0:42:21.560 possibilities how we can minimize the 0:42:21.560,0:42:23.180 weaknesses that every family form 0:42:23.180,0:42:25.580 including two-parent families you know 0:42:25.580,0:42:27.830 male breadwinner families these families 0:42:27.830,0:42:30.200 face tremendous stresses in our society 0:42:30.200,0:42:33.110 today and they're not immune proof to 0:42:33.110,0:42:35.810 divorce and how do we so how do we 0:42:35.810,0:42:37.340 minimize the weaknesses and the 0:42:37.340,0:42:39.260 vulnerabilities that every family form 0:42:39.260,0:42:41.420 has how do we build on the strengths 0:42:41.420,0:42:44.330 that yes every family form potentially 0:42:44.330,0:42:47.480 has that's the question today and the 0:42:47.480,0:42:49.970 only way we're going to answer it is if 0:42:49.970,0:42:52.490 we stop pointing fingers and start 0:42:52.490,0:42:56.030 extending a helping hand so I want to 0:42:56.030,0:43:00.800 end perhaps since I didn't have an 0:43:00.800,0:43:02.360 ending I'm going to make one up right 0:43:02.360,0:43:03.770 here in order to have time for the 0:43:03.770,0:43:08.980 question period by by telling you my 0:43:08.980,0:43:10.940 grandmother's favorite saying when I was 0:43:10.940,0:43:15.290 growing up it was well my my father and 0:43:15.290,0:43:16.910 my grandmother had two sayings that I 0:43:16.910,0:43:18.620 think sum up the argument I've been 0:43:18.620,0:43:20.810 trying to make today my father used to 0:43:20.810,0:43:22.400 say if wishes were horses then beggars 0:43:22.400,0:43:25.400 would ride you know which i think is a 0:43:25.400,0:43:27.830 very good thing to remind people of when 0:43:27.830,0:43:29.930 they start saying what can we do to make 0:43:29.930,0:43:32.240 marriage once again the only option that 0:43:32.240,0:43:34.580 people have and then my grandmother used 0:43:34.580,0:43:36.890 to say problems are sometimes 0:43:36.890,0:43:39.110 opportunities and work clothes but if 0:43:39.110,0:43:40.730 you won't sit down with them because of 0:43:40.730,0:43:42.080 the way they're dressed you're never 0:43:42.080,0:43:44.960 going to find out and that I think is 0:43:44.960,0:43:46.490 the theme that we have to have in 0:43:46.490,0:43:48.320 dealing with today's families thank you 0:43:48.320,0:43:49.580 very much 0:43:49.580,0:00:00.000 you