1 00:00:02,903 --> 00:00:05,239 C: So, how is, uh, fatherhood going for you? Are you enjoying fatherhood? 2 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:10,890 I do enjoy it. It's difficult. It gets easier, though, it's one of those things that gets easier. 3 00:00:10,890 --> 00:00:16,050 I had a dog once, and that doesn't get easier. It doesn't. It's harder having a dog, 4 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:20,596 because children develop, and dogs just stay dumb. 5 00:00:20,596 --> 00:00:26,262 And they never figure it out. And, when you're...I don't know if you've ever had a dog that's had a 6 00:00:26,262 --> 00:00:31,649 medical problem, but you can't get their cooperation. You need to help them. 7 00:00:31,649 --> 00:00:34,760 Because you can't say to them, "You know, you have this problem, you see..." 8 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:39,776 I had this dog...when I took my dog to the vet the first time, she was, I don't know, a year old when 9 00:00:39,776 --> 00:00:42,655 I adopted her. And the vet told me, "Don't let your dog eat dark chocolate." 10 00:00:42,655 --> 00:00:43,816 I don't know if you know this, but... 11 00:00:43,816 --> 00:00:46,649 C: I've heard this, that dark chocolate is supposed to be poison to dogs. 12 00:00:46,649 --> 00:00:50,503 L: It kills them. And vets won't explain it further, either. It's like, "Why does it kill them?" 13 00:00:50,503 --> 00:00:55,890 "Well, uhh, it just...they die." Like, they won't tell you why. I'm like, "What do I do if my dog eats 14 00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:59,466 dark chocolate? "Watch her die...or leave the room." 15 00:00:59,466 --> 00:01:07,129 So. But the vet did tell me that there is one thing that you can do, which is give your dog hydrogen 16 00:01:07,129 --> 00:01:12,562 peroxide. And that foams up in the dog's belly, and they throw it up with the chocolate. 17 00:01:12,562 --> 00:01:15,024 That's what you...you should know to do that. 18 00:01:15,024 --> 00:01:20,086 But! You've got to do it quickly, before they ingest the chocolate. Alright so, I come home, like six 19 00:01:20,086 --> 00:01:22,872 months later, and sure enough, my dog ate dark chocolate. I had friends who had stayed over, and 20 00:01:22,872 --> 00:01:25,473 they didn't know. They left dark chocolate in low places. 21 00:01:25,473 --> 00:01:26,920 Conan: Right 22 00:01:27,243 --> 00:01:30,321 Which is very, uh, popular... 23 00:01:30,321 --> 00:01:32,767 Andy: Oh, here's a good place for this. 24 00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:33,481 Louis: Yes. 25 00:01:33,481 --> 00:01:37,230 Conan: I could put it on this high shelf, but I think not! 26 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,432 Louis: They put it way down. 27 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,300 Andy: I may be crawling on the floor later. 28 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,423 Louis: That's right, and I might...need a snack. 29 00:01:42,423 --> 00:01:44,745 Conan: So what...so you come home and...had your dog eaten it? 30 00:01:44,745 --> 00:01:46,295 Louis: She had eaten a whole big bar of dark... 31 00:01:46,295 --> 00:01:47,346 Conan: Oh my god! 32 00:01:47,346 --> 00:01:50,782 Louis: ...of Polish chocolate - the 'Polish' part doesn't matter, but I like saying Polish Chocolate. 33 00:01:50,782 --> 00:01:55,612 and my dog had chocolate on her face, and I went, "OH MY GOD!" 34 00:01:55,612 --> 00:01:59,281 And she looked at me like, "I was home for an hour, alone...what are you going...you know, come on." 35 00:01:59,281 --> 00:02:01,556 And I was like, "You're going to die!" 36 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:05,225 And she's looking at me like, "I don't understand English, but I get that you're upset." 37 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:09,498 And, uh, so I'm thinking, I've got to get hydrogen peroxide into this dog, but I don't have any. 38 00:02:09,498 --> 00:02:12,748 So I've got to the pharmacy, and she needs to come with me because there's no time. 39 00:02:12,748 --> 00:02:15,581 I am in NYC, and I take my...I put the leash on her, and she's excited, she's like, "We're going for 40 00:02:15,581 --> 00:02:19,610 a walk!" and I'm running and she's like, "This is great for you, you never exercise!" 41 00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:21,711 She's just enjoying it. 42 00:02:21,711 --> 00:02:25,148 And we get to the pharmacy, and she's waiting for me when I come out. And I've got a bottle of hydrogen 43 00:02:25,148 --> 00:02:27,563 peroxide that I have to make her drink. 44 00:02:27,563 --> 00:02:34,622 Like, take yourself through that. How do you make a dog...like you just "Here. Drink this." you know? 45 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,826 So I kinda pour a little in her snout and she goes [psshhh] 46 00:02:37,826 --> 00:02:40,102 Like that. And so I kinda grab her and pour a little bit more... 47 00:02:40,102 --> 00:02:43,306 and she's goes, "I thought I was pretty clear that I didn't like that." 48 00:02:43,306 --> 00:02:46,185 Like she looks at me like she's just trying to figure out, "What's going on here?" 49 00:02:46,185 --> 00:02:50,411 And so I get my whole body around her - this dog was 70lbs, she was like an alligator, 50 00:02:50,411 --> 00:02:55,055 if she didn't want to drink something...she's just thrashing and I'm like "DRINK IT!" 51 00:02:55,055 --> 00:02:59,980 And at one point I have her at the end of the leash, and she's looking at me, all wet on the face, 52 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:07,037 And she gives me this look like, "I don't know what happened to you...but...our thing is over." 53 00:03:07,037 --> 00:03:09,730 "I'm a dog." 54 00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:13,306 And she starts going [growl] - she became completely viscous. [growl] 55 00:03:13,306 --> 00:03:15,303 She's trying to bite me, and I'm trying to save her life! 56 00:03:15,303 --> 00:03:16,139 Conan: Yeah. 57 00:03:16,139 --> 00:03:19,111 Louis: So I'm literally, I'm punching her in the face. 58 00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:21,154 And splashing this stuff... 59 00:03:21,154 --> 00:03:23,709 I'm holding her lip open and I'm going "DRINK IT!" 60 00:03:23,709 --> 00:03:30,024 I'm kicking her in the stomach. And people are looking...I look and there are hundreds of people on 61 00:03:30,024 --> 00:03:35,182 the sidewalk, just horrified. There's cars stopping, they're honking at me. "Just leave her alone!" 62 00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:38,987 "She's going to die!" It was a nightmare. 63 00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:49,938 Finally, I got enough up her nose, and whatever, and she was like, "Dude...uh, just...[groaning]" 64 00:03:49,984 --> 00:03:55,984 And just like a pump she was like blurp blurp blurp, and just brown foam...brown... 65 00:03:55,984 --> 00:03:59,189 like another dog is coming out of her. 66 00:03:59,189 --> 00:04:02,960 And, she made it, but...she never liked me after that. 67 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:07,630 She hated me. Because, from her point of view, I just went nuts. For no reason. 68 00:04:07,645 --> 00:04:09,080 Conan: You went nuts. For no reason. 69 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,567 Louis: I lost my mind. 70 00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:15,122 Conan: We have to take a commercial break, more with Louis CK in just a second, stick around.