C: So, how is, uh, fatherhood going for you? Are you enjoying fatherhood?
I do enjoy it. It's difficult. It gets easier, though, it's one of those things that gets easier.
I had a dog once, and that doesn't get easier. It doesn't. It's harder having a dog,
because children develop, and dogs just stay dumb.
And they never figure it out. And, when you're...I don't know if you've ever had a dog that's had a
medical problem, but you can't get their cooperation. You need to help them.
Because you can't say to them, "You know, you have this problem, you see..."
I had this dog...when I took my dog to the vet the first time, she was, I don't know, a year old when
I adopted her. And the vet told me, "Don't let your dog eat dark chocolate."
I don't know if you know this, but...
C: I've heard this, that dark chocolate is supposed to be poison to dogs.
L: It kills them. And vets won't explain it further, either. It's like, "Why does it kill them?"
"Well, uhh, it just...they die." Like, they won't tell you why. I'm like, "What do I do if my dog eats
dark chocolate? "Watch her die...or leave the room."
So. But the vet did tell me that there is one thing that you can do, which is give your dog hydrogen
peroxide. And that foams up in the dog's belly, and they throw it up with the chocolate.
That's what you...you should know to do that.
But! You've got to do it quickly, before they ingest the chocolate. Alright so, I come home, like six
months later, and sure enough, my dog ate dark chocolate. I had friends who had stayed over, and
they didn't know. They left dark chocolate in low places.
Conan: Right
Which is very, uh, popular...
Andy: Oh, here's a good place for this.
Louis: Yes.
Conan: I could put it on this high shelf, but I think not!
Louis: They put it way down.
Andy: I may be crawling on the floor later.
Louis: That's right, and I might...need a snack.
Conan: So what...so you come home and...had your dog eaten it?
Louis: She had eaten a whole big bar of dark...
Conan: Oh my god!
Louis: ...of Polish chocolate - the 'Polish' part doesn't matter, but I like saying Polish Chocolate.
and my dog had chocolate on her face, and I went, "OH MY GOD!"
And she looked at me like, "I was home for an hour, alone...what are you going...you know, come on."
And I was like, "You're going to die!"
And she's looking at me like, "I don't understand English, but I get that you're upset."
And, uh, so I'm thinking, I've got to get hydrogen peroxide into this dog, but I don't have any.
So I've got to the pharmacy, and she needs to come with me because there's no time.
I am in NYC, and I take my...I put the leash on her, and she's excited, she's like, "We're going for
a walk!" and I'm running and she's like, "This is great for you, you never exercise!"
She's just enjoying it.
And we get to the pharmacy, and she's waiting for me when I come out. And I've got a bottle of hydrogen
peroxide that I have to make her drink.
Like, take yourself through that. How do you make a dog...like you just "Here. Drink this." you know?
So I kinda pour a little in her snout and she goes [psshhh]
Like that. And so I kinda grab her and pour a little bit more...
and she's goes, "I thought I was pretty clear that I didn't like that."
Like she looks at me like she's just trying to figure out, "What's going on here?"
And so I get my whole body around her - this dog was 70lbs, she was like an alligator,
if she didn't want to drink something...she's just thrashing and I'm like "DRINK IT!"
And at one point I have her at the end of the leash, and she's looking at me, all wet on the face,
And she gives me this look like, "I don't know what happened to you...but...our thing is over."
"I'm a dog."
And she starts going [growl] - she became completely viscous. [growl]
She's trying to bite me, and I'm trying to save her life!
Conan: Yeah.
Louis: So I'm literally, I'm punching her in the face.
And splashing this stuff...
I'm holding her lip open and I'm going "DRINK IT!"
I'm kicking her in the stomach. And people are looking...I look and there are hundreds of people on
the sidewalk, just horrified. There's cars stopping, they're honking at me. "Just leave her alone!"
"She's going to die!" It was a nightmare.
Finally, I got enough up her nose, and whatever, and she was like, "Dude...uh, just...[groaning]"
And just like a pump she was like blurp blurp blurp, and just brown foam...brown...
like another dog is coming out of her.
And, she made it, but...she never liked me after that.
She hated me. Because, from her point of view, I just went nuts. For no reason.
Conan: You went nuts. For no reason.
Louis: I lost my mind.
Conan: We have to take a commercial break, more with Louis CK in just a second, stick around.