[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.20,0:00:10.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember the conversation well.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.37,0:00:13.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was 42, and I was sitting\Nat the dining room table
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.62,0:00:15.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with my new husband,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.29,0:00:18.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had finally decided\Nnot to have children.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.78,0:00:21.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, of course," you might say.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.85,0:00:24.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The biological clock had\Nfinally wound down,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.37,0:00:27.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stopped ticking, so to speak,\Nso of course, naturally.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.62,0:00:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that would be an oversimplification\Nof a much more complicated process.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.24,0:00:36.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's a process I think\Nsome of you might be familiar with.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.59,0:00:40.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We live in a time\Nwhen science and technology
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.17,0:00:44.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,allow us to expand far beyond\Nour biological limitations.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.88,0:00:50.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have options like in vitro,\Nfertility drugs, egg and embryo donation,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.30,0:00:54.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,egg freezing, not to mention\Nsurrogacy or adoption.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.22,0:00:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a world of choices.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.70,0:01:02.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in that world, this world,\NI chose to remain childless.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.53,0:01:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But before I tell you more\Nabout my own story,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.72,0:01:07.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me give you a little context.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.83,0:01:09.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm in very good company.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.98,0:01:15.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Never before have more women remained\Nchildless to the end of their fertility,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.11,0:01:18.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or waited longer before\Nhaving their first child.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.12,0:01:20.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nearly half of us,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.01,0:01:24.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nearly 50% of North American women\Nare making this choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.19,0:01:28.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yet we are still perceived\Nas the exception rather than the norm.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.72,0:01:31.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're choosing to remain childless.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.72,0:01:35.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So let me start here\Nwith this term, "childless."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.53,0:01:39.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to admit I have a problem with it\Neven though I'm using it in this talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.23,0:01:42.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It implies that there's something missing.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.31,0:01:45.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It implies that there's somehow a deficit
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.59,0:01:47.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in those of us that choose\Nnot to have children.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.68,0:01:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is interesting\Nbecause we're all born childless.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.44,0:01:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not like being born without\Na limb or with a missing vital organ.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.09,0:02:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the term implies\Nthat there's something missing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.32,0:02:05.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A "lessness" that must somehow\Nbe addressed or fulfilled.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.39,0:02:08.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even more interesting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.84,0:02:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is a term that is applied\Nalmost exclusively to women.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.86,0:02:16.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't hear a lot\Nabout men being childless.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.50,0:02:21.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, my husband tells me he is\Nrarely if ever asked if he has children.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.12,0:02:27.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am asked all the time,\Nand usually it goes something like this:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.82,0:02:31.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Do you have children?" "No." "Oh."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.44,0:02:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.98,0:02:36.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As though there's something missing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.27,0:02:39.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As though I'm to be\Npitied for this choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.39,0:02:43.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As though we assume that it is\Nthe biological destiny of women,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.94,0:02:46.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all women, to bear children.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.07,0:02:51.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm going to propose\Nthat our destinies are our own business.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.48,0:02:56.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A powerful choice we make\Nto be fulfilled on our own terms.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.91,0:03:01.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those terms might\Ninclude children and they might not.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.95,0:03:03.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So don't get me wrong here.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.91,0:03:07.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love children, in fact\NI am a world-class cool auntie.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.46,0:03:08.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.76,0:03:11.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But loving children\Ndoesn't mean bearing them.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.76,0:03:18.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In 1976, when I had\Nmy first serious boyfriend,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.62,0:03:21.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you all know what I mean by serious,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.16,0:03:22.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.16,0:03:24.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everyone was afraid I would get pregnant.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.68,0:03:27.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that concern went on\Nthrough my late teens and my 20s
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.84,0:03:31.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until my 30s when suddenly everyone\Nwas afraid I wouldn't get pregnant.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.64,0:03:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.66,0:03:33.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.50,0:03:36.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My womb was so interesting to people.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.87,0:03:38.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.71,0:03:40.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I didn't get pregnant.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.92,0:03:43.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And over those years\NI went back and forth,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.10,0:03:46.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,exploring options, undecided.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.19,0:03:50.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Until that day at the dining\Nroom table when I knew
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.26,0:03:56.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that what I wanted, more than children,\Nwas a fulfilled life, a life of meaning.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.93,0:04:01.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In coaching, we say that having\Na fulfilled life is a radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.21,0:04:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And choosing to have a fulfilled life\Nin an unconventional way,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.63,0:04:07.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well, that's just even more radical.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.61,0:04:11.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's a deeply personal choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.69,0:04:15.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm going to take you back in time,\Nfurther back than the 1970s,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.93,0:04:19.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and introduce you to a famous woman\Nwho might be familiar to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.21,0:04:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who made a personal choice\Nin a radical act for her time:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.17,0:04:28.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Queen Elizabeth the First, a virgin queen,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.54,0:04:31.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which we know, based\Non historical fact, is not true.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.29,0:04:32.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.30,0:04:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was a queen.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.77,0:04:36.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.90,0:04:38.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which brings us to sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.78,0:04:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Particularly if you were a married woman,\Nchoosing not to have children,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.90,0:04:46.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it implies that you might\Njust be having sex for pleasure.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.47,0:04:48.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another radical notion.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.12,0:04:49.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.41,0:04:53.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, meanwhile, back in the 1500s,\NQueen Elizabeth is the reigning monarch,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.22,0:04:57.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the Virgin Queen, excellent PR\Nfor a childless woman of her time,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.31,0:04:59.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and despite the fact\Nthat she's the monarch
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.31,0:05:02.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she herself is\Nan unmarried, childless woman,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.54,0:05:04.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,women's choices are severely limited.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.13,0:05:06.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Women cannot go to school.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.66,0:05:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They can be educated at home\Nbut they can't go to school.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.74,0:05:14.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nor can they enter professions\Nsuch as politics, law, or medicine.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.25,0:05:21.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Women can go into marriage, motherhood,\Ndomestic service, or the sex trade.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.04,0:05:25.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, if you wanted a life of the mind,\Nfree of domesticity,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.98,0:05:27.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you could become a nun.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.49,0:05:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, those were your choices.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.87,0:05:35.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So Elizabeth wasn't stupid,\Nshe understood the culture she was in,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.10,0:05:37.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she chose powerfully her own destiny.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.37,0:05:41.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Her reign is known as the Golden Age.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.30,0:05:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It brought us new frontiers\Nin art, music, and literature,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.32,0:05:49.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a renaissance in thinking\Nthat influences us to this day.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.61,0:05:51.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no heirs.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.44,0:05:53.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Still, a legacy.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.52,0:05:58.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[#untrending]
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.76,0:06:00.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Elizabeth chose to untrend.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.65,0:06:05.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She chose personal and professional\Nsatisfaction over childbearing,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.20,0:06:07.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.78,0:06:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm here to say it still is.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.72,0:06:13.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're still stigmatized\Nfor making this choice
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.27,0:06:16.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though we live\Nin a very different time.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.64,0:06:21.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oops. Sorry.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.71,0:06:26.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There we are.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.60,0:06:30.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are doctors, we are teachers,\Nwe are lawyers.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.71,0:06:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are archbishops, we are judges.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.32,0:06:34.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have the kind of choice
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.60,0:06:37.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that an Elizabethan woman\Ncouldn't even have dreamed of.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.10,0:06:40.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are the rulers of our own destinies.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.29,0:06:45.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have the right, the political,\Neconomic, and social rights and freedoms
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.66,0:06:51.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that our feminist grandmothers, aunties,\Ngodmothers, and mothers fought for.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.96,0:06:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So given that, may we also\Nnot consider another choice?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.04,0:06:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,May we choose not to have children
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.70,0:07:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and consider instead\Nthe notion of "otherhood."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.54,0:07:05.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, wish I could lay claim\Nto this term, I can't.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.93,0:07:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It comes from Melanie Notkin's 2014\Nbook of the same title, but I love it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.26,0:07:13.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what is otherhood?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.94,0:07:18.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, I'm entering the third act\Nof my particular story.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.89,0:07:22.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm nearly 60 years old,\Nand the plot is getting tricky.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.24,0:07:27.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm asking myself questions like\N"Has all this mattered?"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.48,0:07:29.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in my recent book, Untrending,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.30,0:07:33.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ask about things\Nlike legacy and leave-behind.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.46,0:07:36.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are big questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.90,0:07:40.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's a way that having children\Nbegins to answer these questions for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.61,0:07:43.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having children is\Na fulfilling and creative act.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.10,0:07:46.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Motherhood gives our lives\Npurpose, for sure.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.00,0:07:49.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what about otherhood?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.63,0:07:52.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Otherhood is another place
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.06,0:07:56.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we find purpose, wholeness,\Nmeaning, and satisfaction,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.77,0:07:59.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\Nsimply by living our personal truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.31,0:08:02.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's where we trust
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.31,0:08:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that a life of creative purpose\Nis not exclusive to procreation
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.18,0:08:08.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that our legacies\Nare not just biological.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.35,0:08:12.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It includes loving,\Nmentoring and nurturing
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.02,0:08:14.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other humans that cross our path.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.95,0:08:17.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fighting for the rights\Nof the world's children,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.51,0:08:22.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,making poetry, art, or music, or forging\Na path in entrepreneurship or science,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.05,0:08:24.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or simply getting up every day
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.57,0:08:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and living a life that is true\Nto your own deep choosing.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.74,0:08:33.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does this mean a life\Nthat is free of longing?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.62,0:08:35.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.30,0:08:38.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does this mean that I don't wonder
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.92,0:08:41.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what my life would've been like\Nif I'd had children?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.68,0:08:43.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course I do.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.60,0:08:45.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wonder about that\Nthe same way I wonder
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.98,0:08:49.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what would my life would have been like\Nif I'd become an archaeologist,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.55,0:08:52.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or moved to Paris in my 20s\Nwhen the notion struck me,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.91,0:08:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or not married my first husband.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.24,0:08:58.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But our longings make us who we are.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.29,0:09:01.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our longings make our lives richer.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.15,0:09:06.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our longings lead us\Nto new dreams and desires.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.47,0:09:12.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And living with longing,\Nmaking peace with longing,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.05,0:09:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is spiritual warriorship.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.49,0:09:18.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is fulfillment.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.99,0:09:21.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is powerful choice-making.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.18,0:09:24.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's also this:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.30,0:09:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,trust.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.84,0:09:30.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Trust that what life serves you\Nis a magnificent unfolding,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.62,0:09:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that the spiritual warrior in you\Nchose this path and put you on it
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.86,0:09:37.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it leads to your fulfillment
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.11,0:09:38.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the world's.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.44,0:09:42.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And finally, let me ask you, together,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.85,0:09:47.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can we give ourselves permission\Nto live radical lives of fulfillment
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.36,0:09:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and embrace a woman's right\Nto choose her own destiny?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.24,0:09:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.24,0:09:56.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) (Cheers)