0:00:08.200,0:00:10.189
I remember the conversation well.

0:00:10.369,0:00:13.620
I was 42, and I was sitting[br]at the dining room table

0:00:13.620,0:00:15.290
with my new husband,

0:00:15.290,0:00:18.359
and I had finally decided[br]not to have children.

0:00:19.779,0:00:21.610
"Well, of course," you might say.[br]

0:00:21.850,0:00:24.369
The biological clock had[br]finally wound down,[br]

0:00:24.369,0:00:27.970
stopped ticking, so to speak,[br]so of course, naturally.

0:00:28.620,0:00:33.030
But that would be an oversimplification[br]of a much more complicated process.

0:00:33.240,0:00:36.650
And it's a process I think[br]some of you might be familiar with.

0:00:37.590,0:00:40.169
We live in a time[br]when science and technology

0:00:40.169,0:00:44.229
allow us to expand far beyond[br]our biological limitations.

0:00:44.879,0:00:50.300
We have options like in vitro,[br]fertility drugs, egg and embryo donation,

0:00:50.300,0:00:54.429
egg freezing, not to mention[br]surrogacy or adoption.

0:00:55.219,0:00:57.259
It's a world of choices.

0:00:57.699,0:01:02.789
And in that world, this world,[br]I chose to remain childless.

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But before I tell you more[br]about my own story,

0:01:05.720,0:01:07.830
let me give you a little context.

0:01:07.830,0:01:09.628
I'm in very good company.

0:01:09.978,0:01:15.108
Never before have more women remained[br]childless to the end of their fertility,

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or waited longer before[br]having their first child.

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Nearly half of us,

0:01:20.010,0:01:24.190
nearly 50% of North American women[br]are making this choice.

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Yet we are still perceived[br]as the exception rather than the norm.

0:01:28.718,0:01:31.288
We're choosing to remain childless.

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So let me start here[br]with this term, "childless."

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I have to admit I have a problem with it[br]even though I'm using it in this talk.

0:01:40.228,0:01:42.600
It implies that there's something missing.

0:01:43.310,0:01:45.588
It implies that there's somehow a deficit

0:01:45.588,0:01:47.978
in those of us that choose[br]not to have children.

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And this is interesting[br]because we're all born childless.

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And it's not like being born without[br]a limb or with a missing vital organ.

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But the term implies[br]that there's something missing.

0:02:01.320,0:02:05.419
A "lessness" that must somehow[br]be addressed or fulfilled.

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And even more interesting,

0:02:08.840,0:02:12.760
this is a term that is applied[br]almost exclusively to women.

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We don't hear a lot[br]about men being childless.

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In fact, my husband tells me he is[br]rarely if ever asked if he has children.

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I am asked all the time,[br]and usually it goes something like this:

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"Do you have children?" "No." "Oh."

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(Laughter)

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As though there's something missing.

0:02:37.269,0:02:39.789
As though I'm to be[br]pitied for this choice.

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As though we assume that it is[br]the biological destiny of women,

0:02:43.939,0:02:46.639
all women, to bear children.

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And I'm going to propose[br]that our destinies are our own business.

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A powerful choice we make[br]to be fulfilled on our own terms.

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And those terms might[br]include children and they might not.

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So don't get me wrong here.

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I love children, in fact[br]I am a world-class cool auntie.

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(Laughter)

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But loving children[br]doesn't mean bearing them.

0:03:13.760,0:03:18.250
In 1976, when I had[br]my first serious boyfriend,

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and you all know what I mean by serious,

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(Laughter)

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everyone was afraid I would get pregnant.

0:03:24.680,0:03:27.840
And that concern went on[br]through my late teens and my 20s

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until my 30s when suddenly everyone[br]was afraid I wouldn't get pregnant.

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(Laughter)

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Right?

0:03:34.500,0:03:36.870
My womb was so interesting to people.

0:03:36.870,0:03:38.330
(Laughter)

0:03:38.710,0:03:40.419
So, I didn't get pregnant.

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And over those years[br]I went back and forth,

0:03:43.099,0:03:46.379
exploring options, undecided.

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Until that day at the dining[br]room table when I knew

0:03:50.259,0:03:56.689
that what I wanted, more than children,[br]was a fulfilled life, a life of meaning.

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In coaching, we say that having[br]a fulfilled life is a radical act.

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And choosing to have a fulfilled life[br]in an unconventional way,

0:04:05.630,0:04:07.569
well, that's just even more radical.

0:04:08.609,0:04:11.269
But it's a deeply personal choice.

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So I'm going to take you back in time,[br]further back than the 1970s,

0:04:15.930,0:04:19.208
and introduce you to a famous woman[br]who might be familiar to you,

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who made a personal choice[br]in a radical act for her time:

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Queen Elizabeth the First, a virgin queen,

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which we know, based[br]on historical fact, is not true.

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(Laughter)

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She was a queen.

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(Laughter)

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Which brings us to sex.

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Particularly if you were a married woman,[br]choosing not to have children,

0:04:42.899,0:04:46.069
it implies that you might[br]just be having sex for pleasure.

0:04:46.469,0:04:48.119
Another radical notion.

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(Laughter)

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But, meanwhile, back in the 1500s,[br]Queen Elizabeth is the reigning monarch,

0:04:53.219,0:04:57.090
the Virgin Queen, excellent PR[br]for a childless woman of her time,

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and despite the fact[br]that she's the monarch

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and she herself is[br]an unmarried, childless woman,

0:05:02.540,0:05:04.859
women's choices are severely limited.

0:05:05.129,0:05:06.950
Women cannot go to school.

0:05:07.660,0:05:10.740
They can be educated at home[br]but they can't go to school.

0:05:10.740,0:05:14.540
Nor can they enter professions[br]such as politics, law, or medicine.

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Women can go into marriage, motherhood,[br]domestic service, or the sex trade.

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Or, if you wanted a life of the mind,[br]free of domesticity,

0:05:25.980,0:05:27.690
you could become a nun.

0:05:28.490,0:05:30.700
Basically, those were your choices.

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So Elizabeth wasn't stupid,[br]she understood the culture she was in,

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and she chose powerfully her own destiny.

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Her reign is known as the Golden Age.

0:05:42.299,0:05:45.319
It brought us new frontiers[br]in art, music, and literature,

0:05:45.319,0:05:49.029
and a renaissance in thinking[br]that influences us to this day.

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But no heirs.

0:05:51.439,0:05:53.909
Still, a legacy.

0:05:57.519,0:05:58.759
[#untrending]

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Elizabeth chose to untrend.

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She chose personal and professional[br]satisfaction over childbearing,

0:06:05.199,0:06:07.199
and it was a radical act.

0:06:07.779,0:06:10.529
And I'm here to say it still is.

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We're still stigmatized[br]for making this choice

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even though we live[br]in a very different time.

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Oops. Sorry.

0:06:24.712,0:06:26.030
There we are.

0:06:26.600,0:06:30.710
We are doctors, we are teachers,[br]we are lawyers.

0:06:30.710,0:06:33.010
We are archbishops, we are judges.

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We have the kind of choice

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that an Elizabethan woman[br]couldn't even have dreamed of.

0:06:38.100,0:06:40.690
We are the rulers of our own destinies.

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We have the right, the political,[br]economic, and social rights and freedoms

0:06:45.659,0:06:51.649
that our feminist grandmothers, aunties,[br]godmothers, and mothers fought for.

0:06:51.959,0:06:57.039
So given that, may we also[br]not consider another choice?

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May we choose not to have children

0:06:58.699,0:07:02.819
and consider instead[br]the notion of "otherhood."

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Now, wish I could lay claim[br]to this term, I can't.

0:07:05.929,0:07:10.739
It comes from Melanie Notkin's 2014[br]book of the same title, but I love it.

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So, what is otherhood?

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Well, I'm entering the third act[br]of my particular story.

0:07:18.889,0:07:22.739
I'm nearly 60 years old,[br]and the plot is getting tricky.

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I'm asking myself questions like[br]"Has all this mattered?"

0:07:27.480,0:07:29.910
And in my recent book, Untrending,

0:07:30.300,0:07:33.339
I ask about things[br]like legacy and leave-behind.

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These are big questions.

0:07:36.900,0:07:40.610
And there's a way that having children[br]begins to answer these questions for us.

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Having children is[br]a fulfilling and creative act.

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Motherhood gives our lives[br]purpose, for sure.

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But what about otherhood?

0:07:50.629,0:07:52.059
Otherhood is another place

0:07:52.059,0:07:56.770
where we find purpose, wholeness,[br]meaning, and satisfaction,

0:07:56.770,0:07:59.200
[br]simply by living our personal truth.

0:08:01.310,0:08:02.309
It's where we trust

0:08:02.309,0:08:06.179
that a life of creative purpose[br]is not exclusive to procreation

0:08:06.179,0:08:08.840
and that our legacies[br]are not just biological.

0:08:09.350,0:08:12.019
It includes loving,[br]mentoring and nurturing

0:08:12.019,0:08:14.429
the other humans that cross our path.

0:08:14.949,0:08:17.200
Fighting for the rights[br]of the world's children,

0:08:17.510,0:08:22.050
making poetry, art, or music, or forging[br]a path in entrepreneurship or science,

0:08:22.050,0:08:24.570
or simply getting up every day

0:08:24.570,0:08:27.919
and living a life that is true[br]to your own deep choosing.

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Does this mean a life[br]that is free of longing?

0:08:34.620,0:08:35.619
No.

0:08:37.299,0:08:38.919
Does this mean that I don't wonder

0:08:38.919,0:08:41.369
what my life would've been like[br]if I'd had children?

0:08:41.679,0:08:43.280
Of course I do.

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And I wonder about that[br]the same way I wonder

0:08:45.979,0:08:49.549
what would my life would have been like[br]if I'd become an archaeologist,

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or moved to Paris in my 20s[br]when the notion struck me,

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or not married my first husband.

0:08:56.239,0:08:58.549
But our longings make us who we are.

0:08:59.289,0:09:01.580
Our longings make our lives richer.

0:09:02.150,0:09:06.389
Our longings lead us[br]to new dreams and desires.

0:09:08.469,0:09:12.609
And living with longing,[br]making peace with longing,

0:09:13.049,0:09:15.389
that is spiritual warriorship.

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That is fulfillment.

0:09:18.989,0:09:21.319
That is powerful choice-making.

0:09:23.179,0:09:24.949
And there's also this:

0:09:25.299,0:09:26.460
trust.

0:09:26.840,0:09:30.329
Trust that what life serves you[br]is a magnificent unfolding,

0:09:30.619,0:09:34.859
and that the spiritual warrior in you[br]chose this path and put you on it

0:09:34.859,0:09:37.110
because it leads to your fulfillment

0:09:37.110,0:09:38.520
and the world's.

0:09:39.440,0:09:42.850
And finally, let me ask you, together,

0:09:42.850,0:09:47.010
can we give ourselves permission[br]to live radical lives of fulfillment

0:09:47.359,0:09:52.269
and embrace a woman's right[br]to choose her own destiny?

0:09:53.239,0:09:54.239
Thank you.

0:09:54.239,0:09:56.959
(Applause) (Cheers)