Ahmad Helmi
Black Honey
Amazing, amazing, this Mahmoud Yasin guy is amazing
I'm sorry I woke you.Frankly, I thought you'd died!
Truthfully, I didn't wake up because of your voice.
I woke up because no one could ever laugh at Mahmoud Yasin.
That's Ismail Yasiin.
Oh, okay, well in that case, I'll laugh more!
I got a little confused with the names.
What, has it been a long time since you visited Egypt?
Around... 20 years.
No... 20 years?! Oh man...you're going to find you don't know anything anymore.
Eh, what are you talking about?
My dad talked about Egypt a lot.
But, you know, he's dead now.
Oh, may he rest in peace.
Yes, God rest his soul.
Ok, night.
Where are we now?
What's wrong with you, you weren't sleeping before.
Oh yeah...I had a long day of work before this.
What exactly do you do again?
I'm a photographer.
What's this? You took this picture?
And you're coming to Egypt for work, or a visit, or to stay?
All three. I'm coming for all three.
I have a photography exhibition in New York
so I said I'd make the exhibition about Egypt, you know
And also, God willing, I settle down after that.
God willing.
I'm so happy I'll get to spend some of the Ramadan mornings there
and breaking the fast, and suhur, you know.
And you know, I also really want to see the show Phawazeer.
Oh, no, that show's not on anymore.
What do you mean?
It's done, been gone for a long time now.
They cancelled it, really?
And that actress Nilly, what she's doing now then?
She's doing action movies in the summer now.
Night.
You're going to sleep again?
"Huge Fire in Giza"
What's up?
I don't know, it's like the fire is touching my hands.
Well, would you put it out please? I want to sleep.
And why'd you cover me with newspapers?
It's like a crime scene.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, if you don't mind -
I want the foreigners' form. I have an American passport.
Excuse me, I also have an American passport.
but I didn't bring it with me, and I have an Egyptian passport with me.
Is that a problem?
No, no, that's no problem. But you really should have brought it.
Oh, but it's okay then?
Yeah, it's okay, but why didn't you bring it?
Why would I bring it - so I can be treated as a foriegner in my own country?
Ahh, right.
What's this? It's only in Arabic; no English.
Yeah, of course.
But yours is in English.
Right, because I have an American passport with me.
You speak Egyptian well.
Because of movies and TV shows. I watch them all the time.
Oh, great.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Just the difference in pressure...
And when will you return to the US?
I'm just spending Ramadan, and then I'll head back.
Go ahead.
You two together?
Everyone's for themself.
Wait behind the line, please.
When did you leave Egypt?
I think it was at night.
Was it before or after the Tv shows?
I can't remember...it was years ago.
Masri Sayed al-Arabi....
Please check this passport.
And you stand to the side here.
This pillow - you took it from the airplane, or what?
No, it's not a pillow, it's my laptop.
You, what's your name...
Masri, Masri, Sayed al-Arabi.
Welcome to Egypt.
Limousine, sir, limousine.
Limousine!
limousine?
Ah, excuse me?
Limousine, sir. It's a very best.
-Thank you. I want to go Hotel -
"anta ayiza..." You're Egyptian, I don't give rides to Egyptians. Only foreigners.
Why, what's wrong with the Egyptians?
Oh, they're a big pain.
What are you saying? I don't understand at all. Aren't you Egyptian?
Oh ok, clearly you don't understand anything. Great, then I can drive you!
A thousand welcomes!
Your car, is it a sedan or a van?
What was the second one?
A van. The car that has a door like this, you open it and it comes back to you.
And it comes back with empty hands? What a loss.
It's like a drawer.
A drawer? Oh, you mean a sliding door!
Yeah, yeah! That's the word.
Yes, that's my car exactly.
What's this? This isn't a van.
I asked you if your car was a van and you told me yes. This is not a van.
But you said a van comes with a sliding door, and this is it.
Is this or isn't this a sliding door?
Yeah, it slides...I should have been more exact with my wording.
And where do I sit?
In front.
Where do I throw this?
I'll have beans for breakfast. Will you "hit" with me?
"Hit?" You mean eat? So "hit" means "eat" nowadays?
You know, I missed these beans so much.
This is beans with sauce, right?
Oh, right, I forgot. How much was the sandwich?
60 gineih.
60 gineih, okay.
Oh, but, I'm sorry, I don't have any Egyptian money on me yet.
Don't worry about it. I'll change it for you - better that than somebody trick you.
Fool me? You don't know me; I could fool the whole country.
But tell me, how much is the exchange rate?
Two hundred gineih.
OK, then let's get some water, and some rice pudding, something sweet.
How much was this water?
Thirty gineih.
Okay, I have one thousand gineih left, thanks.
Where do we throw these things?
You're just going to throw it like that in the street?!
Don't worry, they clean and sweep them.
We have to find something to put these in.
You're laughing?
Delicious. So, so good!
I don't even know what to say!
I've only got this left, would you change it for me?
Can I make a call from your phone?
What's this? You're carrying the biggest phone in your pocket.
Hey, slow down, we might get in an accident.
It was his fault.
Ok, ok, but the street is crowded. I'll call for you, ok?
Zero.
One-eyn.
"One-eyn?"
Yeah.
Oh..."one one" you mean.
Okay - wait wait wait!
Did you get ?
Yeah, I got it.
I have many things to show you later.
Now bye, I don't want to keep you. No, I won't be late.
Oh shit...how long was that?
Don't worry. To be honest, I always forget my phone at home
and my wife is sick, so I had to call.
And what does that have to do with me?
I'll drop you here; I'm not allowed to go in. I'm a driver.
No, no, leave it on me.
What is this craziness? Hey!
The bill!
The bill? Didn't you just tell me to forget about it?
You believed that? That was just politeness!
Ok, ok, no need to repeat yourself.
What's this? I want one hundred dollars.
You mean two hundred gineih? No, you think I'm stupid?
Are you going to take this, or should I just go?
You think you can cheat me? Where are you going to go?
Someday you'll need me, and then what will you do?!
The nationalities are different. I need the passport you used to make the reservation.
I didn't bring it. I brought my Egyptian one.
I don't understand what the problem is, but ok
We can cancel the reservation I made with the American one
and reserve a new one with my Egyptian passport.
I can't cancel a reservation for another person's room. The person whomade the reservation must cancel.
It's the same person. I'm him, same person.
Sorry, sir, but as far as I'm concerned, it's two people - American and Egyptian.
Oh my god.
OK, ok, can you reserve something for me with this?
Any room I could sleep in? I'm tired.
I'm very sorry, Mr. Masri, but we don't have any empty rooms.
What should I do?
You could try another hotel.
Sir, are you Saudi?
No, no.
Kuwaiti?
No.
Then what are you, sir?
I'm Egyptian.
Egyptian? Oh, excellent, you should have told me from the beginning.
Ok, thank you
Room, room, room...
I'm sorry sir, I don't have any empty rooms.
No, no, please, I can't - I mean, I'll do anything.
I can even make myself foreign, Japanese, look
I was just giving my eyes a rest.
I only have a suite, but it's a little expensive.
Two thousand dollars a night.
What? My god, it's theft...
Beg pardon??
No no, sorry, not you. I was thinking of someone else.
Ok, book me that. Book it.
Shit.
And what about breakfast?
Wow.
Egypt.
Here I come.
Hi, welcome sir.
I want to rent a car, please.
Are you a guest here?
Yeah, suite .
Sorry, are you Egyptian?
Yeah, yeah, I'm Egyptian. Yes.
Ah...then you'll have to sign on this paper.
I was thinking you were a foreigner.
Your hair style, you know.
I was living abroad.
Welcome back.
I'd like a four by four.
Four by four...ok. This is the Chevrolet Captiva , full options.
Ok, I'd also like it to have GPS.
GPS - oh! You mean the navigator?
Sorry?
Navigator. To know the addresses.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
al-haram, haram. (haram=pyramids)
OK.
"The Pyramids."
These are the pyramids?
Stop. Stop already. Stop lying.
So what should I type here in order to get where I'm going?
What? There's nothing wrong with your stereo.
The stereo? No - I mean - I guess it's kind of low.
Oh, it works! Thank you, thank you.
Everything ok now?
Do you need anything else?
Thank you.
The stereo...?
Excuse me, I was just wondering how I get to the pyramids.
Why are you here? You should go "astareit" down this street, right ahead.
What? Astareit?
Astareit!
Oh, you mean straight.
After that, make elooturn and come back this way.
Make a what?
Looturn!
U-turn, u-turn...
It's like you don't understand English or something.
What the heck?!
one sweet word, or two words
oh my country, you're beautiful
one beautiful song or two
oh my beautiful country
Yes, yes!
God.
Excuse me. I'd like to ride a horse.
That's all? Certainly, sir- and here's my card.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Boy! Bring the first horse.
You're from Lebanon, right?
No, no, I'm Egyptian.
Egyptian? From Egypt? The mother of all countries!
Welcome, welcome.
Boy! Bring the SECOND horse. The second.
Thanks.
Not at all, not at all.
Hey, hey, why did you stop?
Come on. Oh, sorry - come one, let's go.
Go.
Hey, move!
Hey, are you Egyptian or not, come on. Walk!
What, should I carry you?
Hello?
This horse I've got, how do I get him to go?
He's looking at the ground like he lost something.
Why'd you give me such an old model?
My god! Didn't I give you a good one?
A good one? He needs a wheelchair!
Oh, oh, what the hell -
Also, I think its radiator's busted.
Bad? Ok, just tell him "Zeko, time to go back to the stable."
He'll run right away.
No you tell him. He's right here.
Say hi.
No problem, his dad just wants to tell him something.
"Come on, Zeko, back to the stable quick."
Hey! Hey, hey, wait!
Stop, stop!
Hey come back!
Peace be upon you.
And upon you.
Where are my shoes?
Oh no. Mine weren't like this.
You're not going to find them, son.
You took your shoes inside?
God will compensate you for them.
You mean they're lost?
No, not lost. Stolen.
What? Stolen? How am I supposed to walk now?
Go ahead and take these wooden sandals.
Wooden sandals?
Of course, don't you know them?
Weren't you ever hit with them when you were a child?
No. Ok, thank you - how much do I owe you?
No, no, no, that's free.
Free?
Yes.
Ok, thank you.
Oh, shit...I'm sorry.
What an awful sound.
Ok thanks. Thank you.
Looks like we've got some problems this morning.
Hey, move.
What is your nationality?
I'm Egyptian.
Egyptian? This guy's looking for trouble.
Hey, hey, what's going on?
Do you have a photography license?
No. No one told me.
No one told you?
No? And no one told you you're carrying a cannon with zoom?
Oh, shut up, crazy! What are you wearing?
Shorts, and those wood sandals on your feet...
Get him in the car.
Shut up you monkey, let's go!
Answer me!
Oh shit, what the hell are you doing, man?
Look at me. I need proof of your ID.
Or an co-signer with an ID to guarantee your are who you say.
Otherwise, you'll be thrown put in a cage.
What do you mean, a cage?
Stop playing dumb!
I swear, I don't understand!
Jail him. I want to have breakfast.
Hello? Hi? Can I speak to Radi?
Yeah, yeah, I'm a client.
I'm Masri, Masri - you gave me a ride from the airport.
Just listen to me please
I'm - right now I'm -
what's this place called?
Tell them you're imprisoned in the police station.
Imprisoned! This is just temporary!
Just tell them you're at the police station of "Qasr al-Nile"
And you need a co-signer.
Rad, I'm at the Qasr al-Nile police station and I need someone to co-signfor me.
To verify my identity. So I can go.
Please?
Ok, thank you, thank you.
Happy now? He responded? Eat your breakfast.
Have some.
No, no, I have enough, thanks.
You know what, I like this position.
It's very healthy.
Everything's fine sir! Get up, get up.
He called someone to come for him?
Someone's coming?
Yes, there's a guy coming, sir.
As soon as he's done with breakfast, take him to the entertainment room.
No, no thanks, I don't want entertainment. I just want to leave.
No, no, before you leave you have to have some entertainment. Take him.
Let me entertain you.
I don't want it!
Frankly, I don't recognize him.
I told you you would need me one day.
You finished? Do you know him or not?
Take this and please help me.
With this much, I only recognize your lower half.
They need your upper half too.
Ok, consider this for the upper half.
Just a little more, so I can recognize you well.
Ok, this is all - you'd better be able to recognize me even from behind.
Oh! Mr. Masri! You've changed since last night!
OK, enough. Take your stuff and your ID.
You should be grateful to get your stuff back.
We just erased the photos.
How could you erase my pictures?
I'm an Egyptian citizen and I have Egyptian rights!
And I'm an Egyptian officer. Laws give me permission to do this.
If you were a criminal, I would have done much worse!
Ok, but I'm not a criminal, and I still got screwed.
Now what are you going to do to me. Mess me up more?
Fine, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Fine. Imaad!
No, nonono ok - I'll see myself out.
Come on Radi.
I'm going to send for my American passport immediately
and get revenge on all of you!
You first!
Me? I just saved you!
Sure, but after what?
After driving me crazy! You used me!
Your name would be better off Wati, rather than Radi. (wati = low, pathetic)
Wati?
Yes, Wati!
Hey, hey Radi!
I only answer to "Sir Radi."
What? Sir? Get out of here, no way.
Isn't it a little early to go back to the hotel, Sir Radi?
Take a breath, okay?
Okay, Radi.
Radi?!
Sir Radi.
Message for you, sir.
Hi Radi. Tell you what - I had to return the car.
Could you come to me? I've got some things to do.
I'll give you whatever you want.
OK. Bye. Bye.
Good morning, sir.
I want to leave, please.
Oh - is there a problem?
No, I'm just free, free. I'm Japanese now and I want to leave.
As you wish, sir, but you're not Japanese. You're Egyptian.
Sir, you're American.
No, I'm Japanese.
American, sir.
Japanese or not?
...Japanese, sir.
Please check me out of my room.
Hey - look at my passport.
I'm American. And that guy over there is a thief.
Whoa, hey, take your hands off me!
Help me, Masri! I know him!
You know me? No, I don't know him at all.
I told you, Egypt is a small room.
Now who's going to remember your upper half?
Ok Masri, we'll see.
Masri! No, no, from here on you call me Sir Masri.
Sir Masri?! Go on, get out of here.
Oh, beloved Sir Masri.
Radi, listen, I will give you a hundred gineih per day, ok?
Make it two hundred dollars.
OK, right - because one dollar = two gineih, so one hundred dollars equals two hundred gineih.
What? A dollar's worth five and a half gineih.
What? So high? Wasn't the rate two gineih before?
Ok. I'll give you what you want.
But please - don't make a fool of me again.
For one reason only - you don't want to mess with me.
Ok, Mr. Masri.
OK, you go and bring your van, and I"ll get my bag.
No, I can't - you know I can't enter here.
Ok, you go and I'll bring my bag.
OK Masri.
What?
Mr. Masri...Mr. Masri.
He understood me.
Why did you leave the hotel?
Because it was very expensive.
Who are these people in the back?
Oh, it's a scam.
I don't understand why you like to trick foreigners.
Believe me, they're just like Egyptian people.
Who's this? Who's singing?
Nancy Ajram.
Is she Egyptian?
No, from Kuwait.
Wow.
What was that?
Sir, he's the one who hit me, I was just standing.
I saw it all. I want your papers.
Wait here.
Is the car ok?
OK. He'll check with the driver and bring you your compensation.
Sir, if you let him go, I'll never get compensated. My rights!
OH, whose rights?
"Whose rights?!" Don't worry Radi, I'll make sure you get your rights.
And how are you going to do that? Who are you?
I'm Egyptian.
So what? Are you an Egyptian officer, an agent, what?
Do i have to be anything other than Egyptian to get my rights?
Sir, isn't it the police's duty to serve the people?
That's old-fashioned talk, buddy.
Today the police serve the state.
Ok, and who was that in the other car? Was that the state?
I don't want any resistance. Show me your ID.
Ok. That was the state driving the car and he let him go.
I've got this.
You should show the other ID, Masri.
Shh.
Could you come with me to a higher-ranking officer?
Sure, why not?
What?
Don't worry. I'll bring your rights back with me, come on.
I want this guy to get his rights.
Wait, not this guy.
Radi?
Sounds like this guy abandoned his rights himself.
That's because he's Egyptian. But I'm an American citizen.
And I want him to be compensated, because he didn't do anything wrong!
So you're threatening me because you're an American citizen
and your passport protects you and nobody can touch you?
Yep, exactly.
I'm threatening you because I am an American citizen
and my passport protects me and nobody can touch me! OK!
Ok, could you say that in the microphone? To scare the soldiers.
I am an American citizen, and my passport protects me and nobody can touch me! OK?!
See how scared they got?
You're American?
Yeah, I said that. I'm American, and this passport protects me, and no one can touch me.
And furthermore, I can kick anyone I want with my shoes, ok!
Why so angry?
Yes! Yes, you guys, you should be protesting!
You should protest and get your rights back!
But - um. Don't be too aggressive getting them back.
So, American, huh?
No, no no no - my passport is American, but I'm Egyptian.
You can see I'm Egyptian. And also my name is Masri
And I'm Egyptian, and my father's Egyptian, and he was the same skin shade as me and everything.
Yeah, yeah, just look at me!
And - my passport doesn't protect me.
And any old person can kick me with his shoes. Believe me.
And also, my favorite song is by Nancy Ajram
you know the one where she says, "I'm Egyptian and my father's Egyptian-"
You haven't even memorized Nancy Ajram's songs!
No, I've memorized them, really!
NO!
How could you do that?!
You'll have to bow down to get it, American.**
Evening, sir.
I'd like to check in, please.
Oh, ok. I just need your passport.
All your data was erased, so I need it again.
Can I tell you something?
My passport...I lost it.
The Egyptian one or the American one?
The American was lost. The Egyptian one...flew away.
That was my fault.
So, now you aren't American or Egyptian or Japanese?
Oh, you know, go ahead and consider me Korean.
No, I'm sorry sir, but there has to be some kind of ID.
Please - I'm going to be sleeping in the street.
Sorry. I can't help.
with a paper and pen, you gave me a thousand pains
I saw pain in you...and I know who was oppressed
with a paper and pen, you gave me a thousand pains
I saw pain in you...and I know who was oppressed
Why do you know how to help a stranger/foreigner
You show him the bright side of things
And ignore your own sons
You know black honey - that's what you are now
How can you tell me everything is fine, with everything that's going on here?
Oh land of contradictions
Oh, everything and it's opposite
Forget it, my patience has run out
I don't want to see if there's any hope left for you.
"Eat and give thanks?"
Is there a menu?
But what's...why've you all ordered the same food?
God willing.
The same drinks, same potatoes...
You know, this restaurant's style is nice.
One table for everybody...
Bilhana wa al-shifa! We don't want anyone to be hungry!
Happy Ramadan to you!
Excuse me...
The food was delicious.
May it give you good health.
But I'm not sure how much the tab is. I've only got gineih.
Bill, what bill? Keep your money, and happy Ramadan. This is a generous month.
Come to think of it, I was hoping for desert. Do you have desert?
What was Radi's number again? I've got to remember it...
Zero, one-eyn, five, ok...
I almost had it; it was right at the front of my brain.
What was the last number?
Good evening, sir.
Yes, what, what? I was just about to remember the last number!
I thought maybe you could help me - I've got a room, but I'm late on rent.
You have a room?
How lucky! Could I spend the night there?
Are you kidding?
Do you have a pen in the room? I just want to write down this phone number, once I remember.
Take this. Take it.
What, is she a drug dealer?
Take these.
Take some.
Me?
Yes, you, come here.
You come over here.
I said, come over here and take some.
OK.
Take this.
What is this?
Meat.
Why are you giving out meat?
Our freezer's full of meat. This is the time of year to give charity to the poor.
Oh, thanks, but I'm not poor.
What are you then?
I'm Masri.
Then you're definitely poor. Take the meat!
No, my name is Masri. But I'm American.
Then why are you looking like such a mess?
I was in a protest. Against America.
You came from America to Egypt to walk in the protests?
No, no, that's not it. It's not like you think.
I just had no idea the people would hate America this much.
Maybe you just don't know how to imagine.
Right...you're Egyptian, right?
Yes.
Okay, can I ask you something then?
I want to go to a communications office.