WEBVTT
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- You wanted to see me, Doctor?
- Have you seen Mrs Vogler, Sister?
00:06:35.200 --> 00:06:38.200
- No, not yet.
- Then I'll fill you in...
00:06:38.300 --> 00:06:42.600
...and give you the reasons
why you're to care for her.
00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:48.700
Mrs Vogler is an actress, as you know,
and was performing in Electra.
00:06:48.800 --> 00:06:52.800
In the middle of the play she fell silent
and looked around as if in surprise.
00:06:53.100 --> 00:06:56.000
She remained quiet for a minute.
00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:13.500
Afterwards she excused herself by
saying she was overcome by laughter.
00:07:13.700 --> 00:07:18.200
The next day the theatre rang and
asked if she'd forgotten her rehearsal.
00:07:18.400 --> 00:07:21.800
When the housekeeper went in
she was still in bed.
00:07:21.900 --> 00:07:26.200
She was awake but didn't
answer questions and didn't move.
00:07:26.400 --> 00:07:31.800
She's been like this for three months
and been given every conceivable test.
00:07:31.900 --> 00:07:37.200
The result is clear. She's perfectly
healthy, both mentally and physically.
00:07:37.400 --> 00:07:41.100
It's not even a question
of some kind of hysterical reaction.
00:07:41.300 --> 00:07:43.800
Any questions, Sister Alma?
00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:47.600
No? Then you can go in to Mrs Vogler.
00:07:55.400 --> 00:08:00.600
Good day, Mrs Vogler.
My name is Sister Alma.
00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:04.400
I've been employed
to look after you for a while.
00:08:06.500 --> 00:08:11.800
Perhaps I should tell you about myself.
I'm 25, engaged...
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:15.800
I got my nursing certificate
two years ago.
00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:21.600
My parents have a farm. My mother
was also a nurse before she married.
00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:25.800
I'll fetch the dinner tray.
00:08:25.900 --> 00:08:29.800
It's fried liver and fruit salad.
It looks really good.
00:08:30.600 --> 00:08:34.500
Do you want to raise your head?
Is it okay like that?
00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:44.800
Sister Alma.
What's your first impression?
00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.800
I don't know what to say, Doctor.
00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:54.000
First her face looks soft, almost
childish. Then you see her eyes...
00:08:54.100 --> 00:08:57.200
She's got such a severe look, I think.
00:08:57.400 --> 00:09:01.400
- I don't know, I should...
- What were you thinking?
00:09:01.700 --> 00:09:06.400
- I thought I should refuse the job.
- Did something frighten you?
00:09:06.600 --> 00:09:12.600
No, but she should have a nurse
who's older and more experienced.
00:09:12.700 --> 00:09:17.400
- Experienced in life. I may not cope.
- Cope?
00:09:17.500 --> 00:09:19.600
Mentally.
00:09:20.700 --> 00:09:25.000
If Mrs Vogler's silence and immobility
is the result of a decision...
00:09:25.100 --> 00:09:28.200
-...it must be as she's seen as healthy.
- Well?
00:09:28.400 --> 00:09:33.800
It's a decision that shows great mental
strength. Perhaps I'm not up to it.
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:39.900
You might like to see the dusk,
Mrs Vogler. I can draw them later.
00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:46.900
Shall I turn on the radio?
There's a play, I think.
00:09:49.200 --> 00:09:54.600
Forgive me, my darling.
Oh, you must forgive me.
00:09:54.800 --> 00:09:58.800
I don't desire anything other
than your forgiveness.
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.500
What are you laughing at, Mrs Vogler?
Is it the actress that's funny?
00:10:04.600 --> 00:10:09.800
What do you know about compassion?
What do you know?
00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:12.700
What do you know about compassion?
00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:20.800
I don't understand things like that,
Mrs Vogler.
00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:25.500
I'm interested in film and theatre,
but I go so seldom.
00:10:25.700 --> 00:10:29.200
I have enormous admiration
for artists.
00:10:29.300 --> 00:10:33.200
I think art
has an enormous importance in life.
00:10:33.400 --> 00:10:38.400
Especially for people
who have problems of some kind.
00:10:38.600 --> 00:10:43.300
I shouldn't talk to you about things
like that. I'm skating on thin ice.
00:10:43.500 --> 00:10:46.600
I'll see if I can find some music.
00:10:46.800 --> 00:10:48.600
Is that good?
00:10:51.100 --> 00:10:54.100
Good night, Mrs Vogler. Sleep well.
00:12:40.300 --> 00:12:42.200
Damn!
00:12:49.500 --> 00:12:55.000
It's strange.
You go around almost any old how.
00:12:55.100 --> 00:12:58.900
Do almost any old thing.
00:13:00.100 --> 00:13:05.400
I'll marry Karl-Henrik and we'll
have a few children that I'll raise.
00:13:06.600 --> 00:13:10.200
All that is decided. It's inside of me.
00:13:10.300 --> 00:13:13.700
It's nothing to ponder over.
00:13:13.900 --> 00:13:17.000
It's a huge feeling of security.
00:13:17.100 --> 00:13:21.100
Then I have a job that I like
and am happy with.
00:13:21.400 --> 00:13:25.400
That's good too. But in another way.
00:13:26.500 --> 00:13:29.600
But it's good... good.
00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.800
It's good.
00:13:40.700 --> 00:13:44.300
I wonder what's really wrong with her?
00:13:46.400 --> 00:13:49.900
Elisabet Vogler...
00:13:50.900 --> 00:13:53.200
Elisabet.
00:15:25.500 --> 00:15:29.000
Would you like me to open the letter,
Mrs Vogler?
00:15:35.100 --> 00:15:37.000
Shall I read it?
00:15:42.600 --> 00:15:44.800
Shall I read it to you?
00:15:52.800 --> 00:15:58.000
ÑDear Elisabet: As I'm not allowed
to see you, I'm writing.ì
00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:02.200
ÑIf you don't want to read my letter,
you can ignore it.ì
00:16:03.900 --> 00:16:08.200
ÑI can't help seeking
this contact with youì -
00:16:08.400 --> 00:16:11.800
- Ñas I'm tormented
by a constant question:ì
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:18.000
ÑHave I harmed you in some way?
Have I hurt you without knowing?ì
00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:22.800
ÑHas some terrible misunderstanding
arisen between us?ì
00:16:27.900 --> 00:16:30.500
Should I really read any more?
00:16:38.300 --> 00:16:44.000
ÑAs far as I understood, we were
happy recently. We've never been...ì
00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:47.400
Ñ...as close to one anotherì
00:16:47.500 --> 00:16:54.500
ÑDo you remember saying: Now
I understand what marriage means?ì
00:16:54.600 --> 00:17:00.000
ÑYou have taught me..ì
I can't see what's written here.
00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:03.100
ÑYou have taught..ì Now I see...
00:17:03.300 --> 00:17:09.599
ÑYou've taught me that we must see
each other as two anxious childrenì -
00:17:09.800 --> 00:17:13.599
- Ñfilled with good will
and the best intentionsì
00:17:13.800 --> 00:17:16.599
ÑBut gov..ì
00:17:16.700 --> 00:17:22.700
Now I see it. ÑBut governed by forces
we only partially controlì
00:17:22.800 --> 00:17:26.300
ÑDo you remember saying all of that?ì
00:17:26.500 --> 00:17:31.900
ÑWe were walking in the woods
and you stopped and held my belt..ì
00:17:39.600 --> 00:17:43.300
There was a photograph
with the letter as well.
00:17:43.400 --> 00:17:47.700
It's a photograph of your son.
I don't know if...
00:17:47.900 --> 00:17:51.400
Would you like it, Mrs Vogler?
00:17:51.600 --> 00:17:54.300
He looks awfully sweet.
00:18:24.600 --> 00:18:30.200
I've been thinking, Elisabet. I don't
think you should remain at the hospital.
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:34.200
I think it's harmful.
As you don't want to go home -
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:39.300
- you and Sister Alma can move out
to my summer place by the sea. Hmm?
00:18:40.700 --> 00:18:46.200
Don't you think I understand?
The hopeless dream of being.
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:48.800
Not seeming, but being.
00:18:50.600 --> 00:18:54.600
Consious at every moment. Vigilant.
00:18:55.700 --> 00:19:00.700
At the same time the chasm between
what you are to others and to yourself.
00:19:00.900 --> 00:19:06.400
The feeling of vertigo and the constant
desire to at last be exposed.
00:19:07.400 --> 00:19:13.500
To be seen through, cut down,
perhaps even annihilated.
00:19:14.800 --> 00:19:21.200
Every tone of voice a lie, every gesture
a falsehood, every smile a grimace.
00:19:21.300 --> 00:19:25.000
Commit suicide? Oh, no.
00:19:25.600 --> 00:19:29.400
That's ugly. You don't do that.
00:19:29.600 --> 00:19:35.300
But you can be immobile, you can
fall silent. Then at least you don't lie.
00:19:35.400 --> 00:19:38.700
You can close yourself in,
shut yourself off.
00:19:38.900 --> 00:19:43.600
Then you don't have to play roles,
show any faces or make false gestures.
00:19:43.800 --> 00:19:45.900
You think...
00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:51.800
But you see, reality is bloody-minded.
Your hideout isn't watertight.
00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:55.400
Life seeps in everything.
00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:00.300
You're forced to react.
00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:06.800
No one asks if it's real or unreal,
if you're true or false.
00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:12.200
It's only in the theatre the question
carries weight. Hardly even there.
00:20:13.200 --> 00:20:18.600
I understand you, Elisabet. I understand
you're keeping silent, you're immobile.
00:20:18.800 --> 00:20:23.500
That you've placed this lack of will
into a fantastic system.
00:20:23.600 --> 00:20:27.000
I understand and admire you.
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:31.600
I think you should maintain this role
until it's played out.
00:20:31.800 --> 00:20:35.600
Until it's no longer interesting.
Then you can leave it.
00:20:35.700 --> 00:20:40.900
Just as you bit by bit
leave all your other roles.
00:20:44.600 --> 00:20:50.000
Mrs Vogler and Sister Alma moved out
to the doctor's house in late summer.
00:20:50.200 --> 00:20:54.500
The sojourn near the sea
had a favourable effect on the actress.
00:20:54.600 --> 00:20:59.000
The apathy that had crippled her
in hospital yields to long walks -
00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:03.700
- fishing trips, cooking,
letter writing and other diversions.
00:21:03.800 --> 00:21:09.400
Sister Alma enjoys her rural seclusion
and takes utmost care of her patient.
00:21:49.900 --> 00:21:53.800
Don't you know it's bad luck
to compare hands?
00:22:10.800 --> 00:22:15.600
Elisabet? Can I read you something
from my book?
00:22:15.800 --> 00:22:18.800
Or am I disturbing you? It says here:
00:22:19.000 --> 00:22:23.400
ÑAll the anxiety we bear with us,
all our thwarted dreamsì -
00:22:23.500 --> 00:22:27.900
- Ñthe incomprehensible cruelty,
our fear of extinctionì -
00:22:28.100 --> 00:22:31.000
- Ñthe painful insight
into our earthly conditionì -
00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:37.000
- Ñhave slowly eroded our hope
of an other-wordly salvationì
00:22:37.500 --> 00:22:42.000
ÑThe howl of our faith and doubt
against the darkness and silenceì -
00:22:42.200 --> 00:22:46.000
- Ñis one of the most awful proofs
of our abandonmentì -
00:22:46.200 --> 00:22:50.200
- Ñand our terrified,
unuttered knowledgeì
00:22:51.300 --> 00:22:54.200
Do you think it's like that?
00:22:57.200 --> 00:22:59.300
I don't believe it.
00:23:00.300 --> 00:23:04.300
Making changes...
The worst thing with me is I'm so lazy.
00:23:04.600 --> 00:23:08.900
And then I get a bad conscience. Karl-
Henrik scolds me for lacking ambition.
00:23:09.000 --> 00:23:13.000
He says I go around like a sleepwalker.
I think that's unfair.
00:23:13.200 --> 00:23:18.600
I was best in my group with the exams.
But he probably means something else.
00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:22.000
You know...
00:23:22.200 --> 00:23:26.000
Oh, sorry. You know
what I sometimes think of?
00:23:26.200 --> 00:23:30.800
At the hospital where I did my exam,
there's a home for old nurses.
00:23:30.900 --> 00:23:36.500
Ones that have always been nurses,
lived for their work. Always in uniform.
00:23:36.700 --> 00:23:42.400
They live in their small rooms. Imagine
devoting your whole life to something.
00:23:42.600 --> 00:23:46.500
I mean, believing in something.
Accomplishing something.
00:23:46.600 --> 00:23:51.400
Believing that one's life has a purpose.
I like things like that.
00:23:51.600 --> 00:23:55.500
Sticking to one thing doggedly,
irrespective. I think one ought to.
00:23:56.600 --> 00:24:01.500
Mean something to other people.
Don't you think so as well?
00:24:05.200 --> 00:24:08.800
I know it sounds childish,
but I believe in it.
00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:13.500
Goodness, it's raining a lot!
00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:19.000
Oh, yes. He was married.
We had a relationship for five years.
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:22.000
Then he got tired, of course.
00:24:22.200 --> 00:24:25.900
I was very much in love, that's for sure.
And he was the first.
00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:29.400
I remember it all like a long torment.
00:24:30.600 --> 00:24:35.000
Long periods of pain
and then short moments when...
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:40.800
I'm thinking of it as you've taught me
to smoke. He smoked loads.
00:24:40.900 --> 00:24:45.700
Thinking of it afterwards,
it's really banal. A real pulp fiction.
00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:51.200
In a strange way
it was never really real.
00:24:51.500 --> 00:24:57.200
I don't know how to describe it.
At least, I was never quite real to him.
00:24:58.200 --> 00:25:02.500
My pain was real, that's for sure.
00:25:02.700 --> 00:25:07.800
Somehow it was is if it was part of it
in some nasty way.
00:25:07.900 --> 00:25:11.200
As if that's how it was supposed to be.
00:25:11.300 --> 00:25:15.200
Even the things we said to each other...
00:25:20.500 --> 00:25:25.600
Many people have told me that
I'm a good listener. Funny, huh?
00:25:25.800 --> 00:25:31.200
No one's ever bothered to listen to me.
Like you are now. You're listening.
00:25:31.300 --> 00:25:34.900
I think you're the first person
who's listened to me.
00:25:35.100 --> 00:25:39.500
It can't be interesting at all.
You could read a good book instead.
00:25:39.700 --> 00:25:43.000
God, I'm going on.
You're not getting irritated?
00:25:43.100 --> 00:25:46.400
It's so nice to talk.
It feels so nice and warm.
00:25:46.600 --> 00:25:50.100
I feel like I've never felt
in my whole life.
00:25:52.100 --> 00:25:56.400
I always wanted a sister.
I only have a load of brothers. Seven.
00:25:56.600 --> 00:26:01.700
Funny, huh? Then I come along. I've
been surrounded by boys all my life.
00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:09.600
I like boys. But you would know that
with all your experience as an actress.
00:26:10.800 --> 00:26:16.500
I really like Karl-Henrik.
But, you know, you only love once.
00:26:16.700 --> 00:26:22.000
I'm faithful to him. In my profession
there are opportunities, I can tell you.
00:26:26.100 --> 00:26:29.300
Karl-Henrik and I had hired
a cottage by the sea.
00:26:29.400 --> 00:26:33.800
It was June, we were all alone.
00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:38.700
One day when Karl-Henrik had gone
into town, I went to the beach alone.
00:26:38.900 --> 00:26:42.900
It was really nice and warm.
00:26:43.100 --> 00:26:46.600
There was another girl there.
She lived on an island nearby -
00:26:46.800 --> 00:26:52.000
- but had come over as our beach lay
to the south and was more relaxed.
00:26:53.300 --> 00:26:57.300
So we lay beside one another
completely naked and sunbathed.
00:26:57.600 --> 00:27:02.500
We slept a little, woke up,
and put on some oil.
00:27:02.600 --> 00:27:07.500
We wore these hats on our heads,
you know, those cheap straw hats.
00:27:07.600 --> 00:27:11.000
I had a blue ribbon around my hat.
00:27:12.700 --> 00:27:16.000
I lay looking out from under the hat -
00:27:16.100 --> 00:27:20.100
- glanced out at the landscape,
the sea and the sun.
00:27:20.300 --> 00:27:22.400
It was so curious.
00:27:27.800 --> 00:27:32.700
Suddenly I saw two figures jumping
about on the rocks above us.
00:27:33.700 --> 00:27:37.200
They hid and peeped out
occasionally.
00:27:37.300 --> 00:27:43.100
ÑThere are two boys looking at usì,
I said to her. Her name was Katarina.
00:27:43.200 --> 00:27:47.100
ÑWell, let them lookì, she said,
and turned on her back.
00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:51.400
It was such a strange feeling.
00:27:51.500 --> 00:27:56.000
I wanted to run and put on
my costume, but I just lay still...
00:27:56.200 --> 00:28:02.300
On my belly with my bum in the air,
totally unembarrassed, totally calm.
00:28:04.800 --> 00:28:11.000
All the time I had Katarina beside me
with her breasts and thick thighs.
00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:15.200
She just lay there
giggling a little to herself.
00:28:17.400 --> 00:28:22.600
Then I saw the boys had come nearer.
They just stood looking at us.
00:28:23.500 --> 00:28:27.300
I saw that they were terribly young.
00:28:27.400 --> 00:28:32.100
Then one of them, the bravest one -
00:28:32.200 --> 00:28:36.200
- he came up to us
and squatted down beside Katarina.
00:28:36.400 --> 00:28:42.300
He pretended to be busy with his foot
and sat poking between his toes.
00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:46.000
I felt totally strange.
00:28:47.800 --> 00:28:50.700
Suddenly I heard Katarina say:
00:28:50.800 --> 00:28:54.800
ÑAren't you going
to come over here?ì
00:28:55.100 --> 00:28:59.100
Then she took his hand and helped
him take his jeans and shirt off.
00:28:59.400 --> 00:29:05.400
Suddenly he was over her and she
helped him in and held his behind.
00:29:07.200 --> 00:29:11.200
The other boy just sat on the slope
and watched.
00:29:11.400 --> 00:29:16.200
I heard Katarina whisper in his ear
and laugh.
00:29:16.300 --> 00:29:19.800
I had his face right next to me.
00:29:19.900 --> 00:29:23.400
It was all red and swollen.
00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:29.500
Suddenly I turned over and said,
ÑAren't you going to come to me too?ì
00:29:30.700 --> 00:29:36.200
Katarina said, ÑGo to her nowì.
And he pulled out of her and...
00:29:36.300 --> 00:29:40.800
...he fell over me, completely hard.
He took hold of one breast.
00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:44.900
God, it hurt so much...
00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:50.000
I was all ready somehow, I came
at once. Can you understand that?
00:29:50.100 --> 00:29:54.500
I was just going to tell him, ÑBe careful
so that I don't get pregnantì -
00:29:54.600 --> 00:29:57.600
- when he came. I felt...
00:29:57.700 --> 00:30:03.100
I felt it like I'd never felt it before
how he sprayed his seed into me.
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:09.400
He gripped my shoulders and bent
backwards. I came over and over.
00:30:12.600 --> 00:30:17.100
Katarina lay on her side looking
and she held him from behind.
00:30:19.800 --> 00:30:25.100
When he came she embraced him
and made herself come with his hand.
00:30:26.200 --> 00:30:30.000
And when she came she screamed
really loud.
00:30:35.700 --> 00:30:38.900
Then all three of us started laughing.
00:30:39.000 --> 00:30:43.400
We called the other boy sitting
on the slope. His name was Peter.
00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:52.700
He came down all confused,
looking frozen in the sunshine.
00:30:55.300 --> 00:31:00.000
Katarina unbuttoned his trousers
and started playing with him.
00:31:00.100 --> 00:31:03.400
When he came
she took him in her mouth.
00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:07.600
He bent down and started kissing her
on the back.
00:31:07.800 --> 00:31:11.800
She turned around, took his head in
both hands and gave him her breast.
00:31:12.100 --> 00:31:16.100
The other boy got so excited,
so he and I started again.
00:31:17.600 --> 00:31:20.400
It was as nice as the first time.
00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:27.700
Then we swam and parted. When I
came back, Karl-Henrik had returned.
00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:35.700
We ate dinner together and drank
the red wine he had with him.
00:31:37.000 --> 00:31:39.900
Then we slept together.
00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:45.100
It's never been as good, before or since.
Can you understand that?
00:31:45.600 --> 00:31:49.600
Then I fell pregnant, of course.
00:31:49.800 --> 00:31:54.600
Karl-Henrik, who's studying medicine,
took me to a friend who aborted it.
00:31:56.000 --> 00:32:00.000
We were both happy.
We didn't want any children.
00:32:00.300 --> 00:32:03.600
Not just then, anyway.
00:32:08.700 --> 00:32:14.600
It doesn't make sense.
None of it fits together.
00:32:14.800 --> 00:32:20.000
Then you get a bad conscience over
small things. Can you understand?
00:32:20.200 --> 00:32:25.800
What happens to everything
you believe in? Isn't it necessary?
00:32:27.600 --> 00:32:32.600
Can you be one and the same person
at the same time?
00:32:32.800 --> 00:32:36.800
I mean, was I two people...?
God, I'm being silly...
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:41.000
I don't have any reason
to start snivelling, anyway.
00:32:41.300 --> 00:32:44.400
Wait, I'm going to fetch a tissue.
00:33:04.200 --> 00:33:09.300
It's nearly morning...
and it's still raining.
00:33:15.700 --> 00:33:20.800
Imagine, I've been talking in a stream.
I've talked and you've listened to me.
00:33:20.900 --> 00:33:25.900
How boring for you. Of what interest
can my life be to you?
00:33:26.100 --> 00:33:28.400
One should be like you.
00:33:29.700 --> 00:33:34.200
You know what I thought
when I saw your film that night?
00:33:34.300 --> 00:33:40.000
When I came home I saw myself
in the mirror and thought: we're alike.
00:33:40.200 --> 00:33:44.200
Don't misunderstand me, you're much
prettier, but we are alike in a way.
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:49.000
I think I could turn myself into you.
If I made a real effort.
00:33:49.100 --> 00:33:51.100
I mean inside.
00:33:52.600 --> 00:33:57.000
You could turn yourself into me
just like that.
00:33:57.100 --> 00:34:02.200
Although your soul would be much
too big. It would stick out everywhere!
00:34:05.300 --> 00:34:10.000
You should go to bed now. Otherwise
you'll fall asleep at the table.
00:34:22.900 --> 00:34:27.600
No, I must go to bed.
Otherwise I'll fall asleep at the table.
00:34:27.800 --> 00:34:31.100
That would be
a little too uncomfortable.
00:34:33.600 --> 00:34:35.400
Good night.
00:37:28.200 --> 00:37:30.200
Listen, Elisabet...
00:37:32.500 --> 00:37:35.600
Did you speak to me last night?
00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:08.000
Were you in my room last night?
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:51.200
Shall I take your mail as well?
00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:53.800
Can I have a taste?
00:38:55.600 --> 00:38:57.500
Bye.
00:40:01.100 --> 00:40:05.900
My dear: I'd always like to live
like this. This silence, living cut off -
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:10.800
- this feeling of the battered soul
finally beginning to straighten out.
00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:19.000
Alma's spoiling me
in the most moving manner.
00:40:21.100 --> 00:40:26.400
I think, by the way, that she's enjoying
herself and is quite taken with me -
00:40:26.500 --> 00:40:32.400
- even smitten in an unconscious and
delightful way. It's fun studying her.
00:40:41.300 --> 00:40:44.200
Sometimes she cries over past sins -
00:40:44.300 --> 00:40:48.300
- an episodic orgy with a totally
strange boy followed by an abortion.
00:40:48.400 --> 00:40:52.800
She complains that her notions of life
don't accord with her actions.
00:46:22.900 --> 00:46:29.000
I see you're reading a play? That's
a healthy sign, I'll tell the doctor.
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:36.700
Don't you think we should leave soon?
I'm starting to miss town.
00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:39.900
Aren't you?
00:46:53.600 --> 00:46:56.600
Would you like to make me
really happy?
00:46:57.200 --> 00:47:01.500
I know it's a sacrifice,
but I need your help right now.
00:47:01.600 --> 00:47:05.900
It's nothing dangerous.
But I want you to talk to me.
00:47:06.000 --> 00:47:11.500
Doesn't have to be special.
Anything, what we're having for dinner -
00:47:11.600 --> 00:47:16.700
- or if you think the water's cold after
the storm. If it's too cold to swim.
00:47:16.800 --> 00:47:19.800
We only need to talk a few minutes.
One minute.
00:47:19.900 --> 00:47:24.200
You can read from your book.
Just say a few words.
00:47:25.300 --> 00:47:30.700
I must try not to get angry. You
remain silent and that's your business.
00:47:30.800 --> 00:47:34.300
But now I need you to talk to me.
00:47:36.300 --> 00:47:40.000
My dear woman,
can't you say just a single word?
00:47:42.200 --> 00:47:47.600
I knew you'd refuse.
You can't know how I feel.
00:47:48.900 --> 00:47:54.600
I always thought great artists felt
great compassion for other people.
00:47:54.700 --> 00:47:59.600
That they created from a sense of
great sympathy and a need to help.
00:47:59.700 --> 00:48:02.500
That was stupid of me.
00:48:05.200 --> 00:48:10.500
You've used me. Now that you don't
need me you just throw me away.
00:48:11.300 --> 00:48:15.100
Yes, I hear very well how it sounds,
how false it sounds!
00:48:15.200 --> 00:48:19.000
You've used me, now you're
discarding me. Every word!
00:48:19.200 --> 00:48:21.400
And then these glasses!
00:48:29.200 --> 00:48:34.200
You've really hurt me. You've
laughed at me behind my back.
00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:38.600
I read the letter you sent to the doctor.
00:48:38.800 --> 00:48:43.600
Just think, it wasn't sealed!
And I read it thoroughly!
00:48:44.600 --> 00:48:49.100
You got me to talk. You got me to
tell you things I've never told anyone.
00:48:49.200 --> 00:48:53.200
And you hand it on.
What a study, huh?! You're not...
00:48:54.200 --> 00:48:59.300
You're going to talk now! If you've got
anything to say, you're bloody well...
00:49:12.100 --> 00:49:14.900
No, stop it!
00:49:24.900 --> 00:49:27.600
You were really scared now, huh?
00:49:29.200 --> 00:49:33.200
For a second you were
genuinely scared, not so?
00:49:33.500 --> 00:49:38.900
A genuine fear of death, huh?
Alma's gone crazy, you thought.
00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:42.299
What kind of person are you, really?
00:49:42.300 --> 00:49:45.900
Or do you think like this:
I'll remember that face.
00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:51.500
That tone of voice, that expression. I'll
give you something you won't forget!
00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:15.400
You're laughing, are you?
00:50:15.600 --> 00:50:21.000
It's not so simple for me.
Not so funny, either.
00:50:21.100 --> 00:50:24.200
But you've always got your laugh.
00:51:45.200 --> 00:51:48.600
Must it be like this?
00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:53.900
Is it really important not to lie,
to speak the truth -
00:51:54.000 --> 00:51:57.200
- to talk with a genuine tone of voice?
00:51:57.400 --> 00:52:00.600
Can one live at all
without talking freely?
00:52:00.700 --> 00:52:05.700
Lie and deviate and evade things.
00:52:05.900 --> 00:52:11.100
Isn't it better to allow yourself
to be lazy and sloppy, untruthful?
00:52:12.800 --> 00:52:17.900
Maybe you become a little better if
you just let yourself be what you are.
00:52:20.600 --> 00:52:24.600
No, you don't understand. You don't
understand what I'm saying.
00:52:24.900 --> 00:52:27.300
You are inaccessible.
00:52:27.400 --> 00:52:31.300
They said you were mentally healthy,
but your madness is the worst.
00:52:31.400 --> 00:52:35.400
You're acting healthy. You do it
so well everyone believes you.
00:52:35.800 --> 00:52:39.700
Everyone except me,
because I know how rotten you are.
00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:46.800
What am I doing?
00:52:48.100 --> 00:52:52.100
Elisabet! Elisabet, forgive me.
00:52:52.300 --> 00:52:55.700
I behaved like an idiot,
don't know what got into me.
00:52:55.800 --> 00:53:00.600
I'm here to help you.
Then there was that awful letter.
00:53:00.700 --> 00:53:05.400
I was so disappointed.
You asked me to talk about myself.
00:53:06.300 --> 00:53:10.200
It was nice, you looked so understanding,
I'd drunk a lot...
00:53:10.300 --> 00:53:13.700
It was so nice to talk about it all.
00:53:13.800 --> 00:53:19.300
I was also flattered that a great actress
cared to listen to me.
00:53:19.400 --> 00:53:24.300
Somehow I thought it would be nice
if it was of some use to you.
00:53:24.500 --> 00:53:28.300
But it's terrible, isn't it?
Sheer exhibitionism.
00:53:28.400 --> 00:53:31.200
Elisabet, I want you to forgive me.
00:53:31.400 --> 00:53:34.400
I like you so much,
you mean so much to me.
00:53:34.600 --> 00:53:38.300
I've learned so much from you,
I don't want to part as enemies.
00:54:00.400 --> 00:54:04.300
You don't want to forgive me.
You're too proud!
00:54:04.400 --> 00:54:07.900
You won't lower yourself
because you don't need to!
00:54:08.100 --> 00:54:11.600
I won't, I won't...!
00:58:06.900 --> 00:58:10.900
We don't talk... don't listen...
understand...
00:58:14.800 --> 00:58:19.900
- Elisabet?
- What means should... to enable...
00:59:02.400 --> 00:59:06.000
When you sleep your face is slack.
00:59:07.900 --> 00:59:11.600
Your mouth is swollen and ugly.
00:59:13.400 --> 00:59:17.400
You have a nasty wrinkle
on your forehead.
00:59:23.900 --> 00:59:27.400
You smell of sleep and tears.
00:59:30.300 --> 00:59:34.000
I can see the pulse on your throat.
00:59:34.200 --> 00:59:38.100
You have a scar you normally cover
with make-up.
00:59:40.100 --> 00:59:42.100
Elisabet!
00:59:42.900 --> 00:59:45.400
He's calling again.
00:59:46.500 --> 00:59:49.500
I'll find out what he wants from us.
00:59:49.600 --> 00:59:53.300
Out here, far away in our loneliness.
01:00:14.600 --> 01:00:16.200
Elisabet?
01:00:17.100 --> 01:00:20.900
Elisabet? Sorry if I frightened you.
01:00:21.900 --> 01:00:26.700
- I'm not Elisabet.
- I don't have any demands.
01:00:26.800 --> 01:00:31.100
I didn't want to disturb you.
Don't you think I understand?
01:00:31.200 --> 01:00:35.100
The doctor explained
a number of things to me.
01:00:35.200 --> 01:00:40.600
The most difficult thing is explaining
to the little boy. I'm doing my best.
01:00:42.300 --> 01:00:47.200
There is something that lies deeper,
that is hard to catch sight of.
01:00:47.300 --> 01:00:51.700
You love someone, or more correctly,
say you love someone, it's...
01:00:51.800 --> 01:00:56.700
It's understandable.
Tangible as words are, that is.
01:00:56.900 --> 01:01:00.300
Mr Vogler, I'm not your wife.
01:01:00.400 --> 01:01:05.000
You are also loved.
You build a little fellowship.
01:01:05.200 --> 01:01:10.800
It generates security. You see
the possibility of enduring, not so?
01:01:12.800 --> 01:01:18.600
How can I say everything I've thought
without losing my way, boring you?
01:01:26.800 --> 01:01:30.600
I love you, as much as I did before.
01:01:37.000 --> 01:01:41.900
No, don't be so anxious, my darling.
We have one another.
01:01:42.000 --> 01:01:45.100
We have faith,
know each other's thoughts.
01:01:45.200 --> 01:01:48.900
We love one another.
It's true isn't it?
01:01:49.000 --> 01:01:53.400
It's the effort that's most important,
not what we achieve. Isn't it?
01:01:55.900 --> 01:02:00.500
To see each other as children.
Tormented, helpless, lonely children.
01:02:00.600 --> 01:02:06.100
- Elisabet.
- Tell the boy that I'm coming soon.
01:02:06.200 --> 01:02:10.000
Mummy's been sick,
but she's longing for her little boy.
01:02:10.200 --> 01:02:15.200
Remember to buy a present for him.
From Mummy, don't forget.
01:02:15.300 --> 01:02:19.100
You know I feel
such tenderness for you.
01:02:21.500 --> 01:02:24.400
It's difficult to bear.
01:02:25.000 --> 01:02:28.900
I don't know what to do
with my tenderness.
01:02:29.500 --> 01:02:32.100
I live from your tenderness.
01:02:33.500 --> 01:02:38.600
Elisabet, do you like being with me?
Is it nice?
01:02:41.100 --> 01:02:45.800
- You're a wonderful lover. You know.
- My darling...
01:02:47.700 --> 01:02:51.400
Anaethetise me... throw me away!
01:02:51.500 --> 01:02:54.500
No, I can't, I can't take any more!
01:02:54.600 --> 01:02:58.600
Leave me alone!
It's shame, it's all shame!
01:02:58.700 --> 01:03:03.600
Leave me alone!
I'm cold and rotten and indifferent!
01:03:03.700 --> 01:03:07.400
It's all just lies and imitation,
all of it!
01:03:13.700 --> 01:03:17.200
Elisabet, what have you got there?
01:03:18.000 --> 01:03:22.000
What are you hiding
under your hand? Let me see.
01:03:25.200 --> 01:03:29.200
It's the photo of your little boy.
The one you tore up.
01:03:29.400 --> 01:03:31.600
We must talk about that.
01:03:39.100 --> 01:03:41.600
Tell me about it, Elisabet.
01:03:42.400 --> 01:03:44.600
Then I will.
01:03:45.400 --> 01:03:50.700
It was one night at a party, isn't
that so? It got late and quite rowdy.
01:03:52.400 --> 01:03:56.100
Towards morning
someone in the group said:
01:03:56.200 --> 01:04:00.600
ÑElisabet, you virtually have it all in
your armoury as a woman and artistì
01:04:00.700 --> 01:04:03.600
ÑBut you lack motherlinessì
01:04:04.400 --> 01:04:08.000
You laughed
because you thought it sounded silly.
01:04:08.200 --> 01:04:12.600
But after a while you noticed
you thought about what he'd said.
01:04:13.800 --> 01:04:19.500
You became more and more worried.
You let your husband impregnate you.
01:04:19.600 --> 01:04:22.600
You wanted to be a mother.
01:04:22.800 --> 01:04:26.400
When you realized it was definite,
you became frightened.
01:04:26.500 --> 01:04:32.200
Frightened of responsibility, of being
tied down, of leaving the theatre.
01:04:32.300 --> 01:04:38.600
Frightened of pain, of dying,
frightened of your body swelling up.
01:04:38.700 --> 01:04:44.200
But you played the role. The role
of a happy, young, expectant mother.
01:04:45.500 --> 01:04:50.200
Everyone said, Ñlsn't she beautiful?
She's never been so beautifulì
01:04:53.000 --> 01:04:57.700
Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus
several times.
01:04:57.800 --> 01:05:00.200
But you failed.
01:05:00.400 --> 01:05:04.800
When you saw it was irreversible,
you started to hate the baby.
01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:08.500
And you wished it would be stillborn.
01:05:10.800 --> 01:05:14.000
You wished the baby would be dead.
01:05:15.700 --> 01:05:18.200
You wished for a dead baby.
01:05:22.900 --> 01:05:25.800
It was a difficult and long delivery.
01:05:25.900 --> 01:05:31.700
You were in agony for days. Finally
the baby was delivered with forceps.
01:05:31.800 --> 01:05:35.800
You looked with disgust and terror
at your squealing baby and whispered:
01:05:36.000 --> 01:05:39.300
ÑCan't you die soon? Can't you die?ì
01:05:41.000 --> 01:05:43.000
But he survived.
01:05:44.500 --> 01:05:47.200
The boy screamed day and night.
01:05:50.000 --> 01:05:55.900
And you hated him. You were scared,
you had a bad conscience.
01:05:58.200 --> 01:06:02.200
Finally the boy was taken care of
by relatives and a nanny.
01:06:02.300 --> 01:06:06.800
You could get up from your sickbed
and return to the theatre.
01:06:08.900 --> 01:06:12.400
But the suffering wasn't over.
01:06:12.600 --> 01:06:17.600
The boy was gripped by a massive
and unfathomable love for his mother.
01:06:17.700 --> 01:06:22.100
You defend yourself.
You defend yourself in despair.
01:06:22.200 --> 01:06:28.500
You feel you can't return it.
So you try, and you try...
01:06:28.600 --> 01:06:32.100
But there are only cruel and clumsy
meetings between you.
01:06:32.200 --> 01:06:37.000
You can't do it.
You're cold and indifferent.
01:06:37.100 --> 01:06:42.100
He looks at you.
He loves you and he's so gentle.
01:06:42.300 --> 01:06:46.200
You want to hit him
because he doesn't leave you alone.
01:06:46.400 --> 01:06:50.400
You think he's disgusting
with his thick mouth and ugly body.
01:06:50.500 --> 01:06:55.000
His moist and pleading eyes.
He's disgusting and you're scared.
01:06:59.100 --> 01:07:03.700
What are you hiding
under your hand? Let me see.
01:07:07.600 --> 01:07:11.200
It's the photo of your little boy.
The one you tore up.
01:07:11.400 --> 01:07:13.400
We must talk about it.
01:07:21.800 --> 01:07:24.200
Tell me about it, Elisabet.
01:07:26.800 --> 01:07:28.700
Then I will.
01:07:31.300 --> 01:07:34.700
It was one night at a party,
isn't that right?
01:07:34.800 --> 01:07:38.600
It got late and quite rowdy.
01:07:38.800 --> 01:07:42.400
Towards morning
someone in the group said:
01:07:42.500 --> 01:07:47.300
ÑElisabet, you virtually have it all in
your armoury as a woman and artistì
01:07:47.400 --> 01:07:50.000
ÑBut you lack motherlinessì
01:07:51.400 --> 01:07:55.400
You laughed
because you thought it sounded silly.
01:07:55.600 --> 01:07:59.600
But after a while you noticed
you thought about what he'd said.
01:07:59.800 --> 01:08:05.100
You became more and more worried.
You let your husband impregnate you.
01:08:07.000 --> 01:08:10.400
You wanted to be a mother.
01:08:11.600 --> 01:08:15.600
When you realized it was definite,
you became frightened.
01:08:16.000 --> 01:08:22.300
Frightened of responsibility, of being
tied down, of leaving the theatre.
01:08:22.399 --> 01:08:27.700
Frightened of pain, of dying,
frightened of your body swelling up.
01:08:30.200 --> 01:08:35.700
But you played the role. The role
of a happy, young, expectant mother.
01:08:37.000 --> 01:08:42.000
Everyone said, Ñlsn't she beautiful?
She's never been so beautifulì
01:08:42.700 --> 01:08:46.700
Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus
several times.
01:08:46.899 --> 01:08:48.899
But you failed.
01:08:50.399 --> 01:08:53.399
When you saw it was irreversible...
01:08:54.399 --> 01:08:57.399
...you started to hate the baby.
01:08:58.600 --> 01:09:01.800
And you wished it would be stillborn.
01:09:04.399 --> 01:09:07.399
You wished the baby would be dead.
01:09:11.300 --> 01:09:14.200
You wished for a dead baby.
01:09:17.899 --> 01:09:21.200
The delivery was difficult and long.
01:09:21.399 --> 01:09:27.200
You were in agony for days. Finally
the baby was delivered with forceps.
01:09:27.899 --> 01:09:31.899
You looked with disgust and terror
at your squealing baby and whispered:
01:09:32.200 --> 01:09:36.200
ÑCan't you die soon? Can't you die?ì
01:09:36.700 --> 01:09:41.399
The boy screamed day and night.
And you hated him.
01:09:42.100 --> 01:09:46.100
You were scared,
you had a bad conscience.
01:09:47.600 --> 01:09:51.600
Finally the boy was taken care of
by relatives and a nanny.
01:09:51.700 --> 01:09:55.600
You could get up from your sickbed
and return to the theatre.
01:09:57.600 --> 01:10:00.500
But the suffering wasn't over.
01:10:01.800 --> 01:10:07.000
The boy was gripped by a massive
and unfathomable love for his mother.
01:10:07.100 --> 01:10:12.700
You defend yourself in despair.
You feel you can't return it.
01:10:12.800 --> 01:10:15.400
So you try, and you try...
01:10:16.200 --> 01:10:19.900
But there are only cruel and clumsy
meetings between you.
01:10:20.000 --> 01:10:25.500
You can't do it.
You're cold and indifferent.
01:10:25.600 --> 01:10:30.700
He looks at you.
He loves you and he's so gentle.
01:10:30.800 --> 01:10:34.800
You want to hit him
because he doesn't leave you alone.
01:10:35.000 --> 01:10:38.900
You think he's disgusting
with his thick mouth and ugly body.
01:10:39.000 --> 01:10:44.000
His moist and pleading eyes.
He's disgusting and you're scared.
01:10:51.800 --> 01:10:53.900
No!
01:10:54.700 --> 01:10:59.600
I'm not like you. I don't feel like you.
01:10:59.800 --> 01:11:03.200
I'm Sister Alma,
I'm just here to help you.
01:11:03.400 --> 01:11:07.900
I'm not Elisabet Vogler.
You are Elisabet Vogler.
01:11:08.000 --> 01:11:10.200
I would like to have...
01:11:11.200 --> 01:11:13.200
I love...
01:11:15.300 --> 01:11:17.200
I haven't...
01:11:49.600 --> 01:11:52.200
I've learnt quite a lot.
01:12:05.700 --> 01:12:08.700
We'll see how long I hold out.
01:12:13.700 --> 01:12:17.400
I'll never be like you, never.
I change all the time.
01:12:17.500 --> 01:12:21.200
You can do what you like,
you won't get to me anyhow.
01:12:53.400 --> 01:12:57.800
Saying doesn't help.
Cut a candle.
01:12:58.000 --> 01:13:02.800
A kind of otherness.
Not now, no. No, no.
01:13:03.800 --> 01:13:07.300
Warning and out of time.
Unforeseen.
01:13:07.500 --> 01:13:11.800
When it was supposed to occur,
it didn't occur and so failure.
01:13:11.900 --> 01:13:15.500
Yourself where you are.
But I should do it.
01:13:15.700 --> 01:13:20.000
Not inwards, no...
Say collect and advise others...
01:13:20.100 --> 01:13:23.700
The disconsolate, perhaps...
01:13:27.400 --> 01:13:31.400
Take, yes... but what is closest...?
01:13:31.800 --> 01:13:35.700
What's it called...? No, no, no...
01:13:35.800 --> 01:13:38.600
Us, we, me, I...
01:13:38.800 --> 01:13:44.300
Many words and such nausea...
Incomprehensible pain. The throw...
01:15:12.800 --> 01:15:18.100
Try and listen to me now.
Repeat after me.
01:15:21.900 --> 01:15:25.300
Nothing...
01:15:27.000 --> 01:15:31.000
Nothing. No, nothing...
01:15:38.100 --> 01:15:40.100
Nothing.
01:15:40.900 --> 01:15:46.000
That's it. That's good.
That's how it should be.
01:19:03.600 --> 01:19:06.900
Translation: Alexander Keiller
Subtitling International