0:06:30.400,0:06:35.000
- You wanted to see me, Doctor?[br]- Have you seen Mrs Vogler, Sister?

0:06:35.200,0:06:38.200
- No, not yet.[br]- Then I'll fill you in...

0:06:38.300,0:06:42.600
...and give you the reasons[br]why you're to care for her.

0:06:42.800,0:06:48.700
<i>Mrs Vogler is an actress, as you know,[br]and was performing in Electra.</i>

0:06:48.800,0:06:52.800
In the middle of the play she fell silent[br]and looked around as if in surprise.

0:06:53.100,0:06:56.000
She remained quiet for a minute.

0:07:08.000,0:07:13.500
Afterwards she excused herself by[br]saying she was overcome by laughter.

0:07:13.700,0:07:18.200
The next day the theatre rang and[br]asked if she'd forgotten her rehearsal.

0:07:18.400,0:07:21.800
When the housekeeper went in[br]she was still in bed.

0:07:21.900,0:07:26.200
She was awake but didn't[br]answer questions and didn't move.

0:07:26.400,0:07:31.800
She's been like this for three months[br]and been given every conceivable test.

0:07:31.900,0:07:37.200
The result is clear. She's perfectly[br]healthy, both mentally and physically.

0:07:37.400,0:07:41.100
It's not even a question[br]of some kind of hysterical reaction.

0:07:41.300,0:07:43.800
Any questions, Sister Alma?

0:07:44.000,0:07:47.600
No? Then you can go in to Mrs Vogler.

0:07:55.400,0:08:00.600
Good day, Mrs Vogler.[br]My name is Sister Alma.

0:08:00.800,0:08:04.400
I've been employed[br]to look after you for a while.

0:08:06.500,0:08:11.800
Perhaps I should tell you about myself.[br]I'm 25, engaged...

0:08:12.000,0:08:15.800
I got my nursing certificate[br]two years ago.

0:08:16.000,0:08:21.600
My parents have a farm. My mother[br]was also a nurse before she married.

0:08:23.800,0:08:25.800
I'll fetch the dinner tray.

0:08:25.900,0:08:29.800
It's fried liver and fruit salad.[br]It looks really good.

0:08:30.600,0:08:34.500
Do you want to raise your head?[br]Is it okay like that?

0:08:40.799,0:08:44.800
Sister Alma.[br]What's your first impression?

0:08:45.000,0:08:47.800
I don't know what to say, Doctor.

0:08:48.000,0:08:54.000
First her face looks soft, almost[br]childish. Then you see her eyes...

0:08:54.100,0:08:57.200
She's got such a severe look, I think.

0:08:57.400,0:09:01.400
- I don't know, I should...[br]- What were you thinking?

0:09:01.700,0:09:06.400
- I thought I should refuse the job.[br]- Did something frighten you?

0:09:06.600,0:09:12.600
No, but she should have a nurse[br]who's older and more experienced.

0:09:12.700,0:09:17.400
- Experienced in life. I may not cope.[br]- Cope?

0:09:17.500,0:09:19.600
Mentally.

0:09:20.700,0:09:25.000
If Mrs Vogler's silence and immobility[br]is the result of a decision...

0:09:25.100,0:09:28.200
-...it must be as she's seen as healthy.[br]- Well?

0:09:28.400,0:09:33.800
It's a decision that shows great mental[br]strength. Perhaps I'm not up to it.

0:09:35.600,0:09:39.900
You might like to see the dusk,[br]Mrs Vogler. I can draw them later.

0:09:43.000,0:09:46.900
Shall I turn on the radio?[br]There's a play, I think.

0:09:49.200,0:09:54.600
Forgive me, my darling.[br]Oh, you must forgive me.

0:09:54.800,0:09:58.800
I don't desire anything other[br]than your forgiveness.

0:10:00.000,0:10:04.500
What are you laughing at, Mrs Vogler?[br]Is it the actress that's funny?

0:10:04.600,0:10:09.800
What do you know about compassion?[br]What do you know?

0:10:10.000,0:10:12.700
What do you know about compassion?

0:10:17.200,0:10:20.800
I don't understand things like that,[br]Mrs Vogler.

0:10:21.000,0:10:25.500
I'm interested in film and theatre,[br]but I go so seldom.

0:10:25.700,0:10:29.200
I have enormous admiration[br]for artists.

0:10:29.300,0:10:33.200
I think art[br]has an enormous importance in life.

0:10:33.400,0:10:38.400
Especially for people[br]who have problems of some kind.

0:10:38.600,0:10:43.300
I shouldn't talk to you about things[br]like that. I'm skating on thin ice.

0:10:43.500,0:10:46.600
I'll see if I can find some music.

0:10:46.800,0:10:48.600
Is that good?

0:10:51.100,0:10:54.100
Good night, Mrs Vogler. Sleep well.

0:12:40.300,0:12:42.200
Damn!

0:12:49.500,0:12:55.000
It's strange.[br]You go around almost any old how.

0:12:55.100,0:12:58.900
Do almost any old thing.

0:13:00.100,0:13:05.400
I'll marry Karl-Henrik and we'll[br]have a few children that I'll raise.

0:13:06.600,0:13:10.200
All that is decided. It's inside of me.

0:13:10.300,0:13:13.700
It's nothing to ponder over.

0:13:13.900,0:13:17.000
It's a huge feeling of security.

0:13:17.100,0:13:21.100
Then I have a job that I like[br]and am happy with.

0:13:21.400,0:13:25.400
That's good too. But in another way.

0:13:26.500,0:13:29.600
But it's good... good.

0:13:32.000,0:13:33.800
It's good.

0:13:40.700,0:13:44.300
I wonder what's really wrong with her?

0:13:46.400,0:13:49.900
Elisabet Vogler...

0:13:50.900,0:13:53.200
Elisabet.

0:15:25.500,0:15:29.000
Would you like me to open the letter,[br]Mrs Vogler?

0:15:35.100,0:15:37.000
Shall I read it?

0:15:42.600,0:15:44.800
Shall I read it to you?

0:15:52.800,0:15:58.000
<i>ÑDear Elisabet: As I'm not allowed[br]to see you, I'm writing.ì</i>

0:15:58.200,0:16:02.200
<i>ÑIf you don't want to read my letter,[br]you can ignore it.ì</i>

0:16:03.900,0:16:08.200
<i>ÑI can't help seeking[br]this contact with youì -</i>

0:16:08.400,0:16:11.800
<i>- Ñas I'm tormented[br]by a constant question:ì</i>

0:16:12.000,0:16:18.000
<i>ÑHave I harmed you in some way?[br]Have I hurt you without knowing?ì</i>

0:16:18.200,0:16:22.800
<i>ÑHas some terrible misunderstanding[br]arisen between us?ì</i>

0:16:27.900,0:16:30.500
Should I really read any more?

0:16:38.300,0:16:44.000
<i>ÑAs far as I understood, we were[br]happy recently. We've never been...ì</i>

0:16:44.200,0:16:47.400
<i>Ñ...as close to one anotherì</i>

0:16:47.500,0:16:54.500
<i>ÑDo you remember saying: Now[br]I understand what marriage means?ì</i>

0:16:54.600,0:17:00.000
<i>ÑYou have taught me..ì[br]I can't see what's written here.</i>

0:17:00.200,0:17:03.100
<i>ÑYou have taught..ì Now I see...</i>

0:17:03.300,0:17:09.599
<i>ÑYou've taught me that we must see[br]each other as two anxious childrenì -</i>

0:17:09.800,0:17:13.599
<i>- Ñfilled with good will[br]and the best intentionsì</i>

0:17:13.800,0:17:16.599
<i>ÑBut gov..ì</i>

0:17:16.700,0:17:22.700
<i>Now I see it. ÑBut governed by forces[br]we only partially controlì</i>

0:17:22.800,0:17:26.300
<i>ÑDo you remember saying all of that?ì</i>

0:17:26.500,0:17:31.900
<i>ÑWe were walking in the woods[br]and you stopped and held my belt..ì</i>

0:17:39.600,0:17:43.300
There was a photograph[br]with the letter as well.

0:17:43.400,0:17:47.700
It's a photograph of your son.[br]I don't know if...

0:17:47.900,0:17:51.400
Would you like it, Mrs Vogler?

0:17:51.600,0:17:54.300
He looks awfully sweet.

0:18:24.600,0:18:30.200
I've been thinking, Elisabet. I don't[br]think you should remain at the hospital.

0:18:30.400,0:18:34.200
I think it's harmful.[br]As you don't want to go home -

0:18:34.400,0:18:39.300
- you and Sister Alma can move out[br]to my summer place by the sea. Hmm?

0:18:40.700,0:18:46.200
<i>Don't you think I understand?[br]The hopeless dream of being.</i>

0:18:46.400,0:18:48.800
<i>Not seeming, but being.</i>

0:18:50.600,0:18:54.600
Consious at every moment. Vigilant.

0:18:55.700,0:19:00.700
At the same time the chasm between[br]what you are to others and to yourself.

0:19:00.900,0:19:06.400
The feeling of vertigo and the constant[br]desire to at last be exposed.

0:19:07.400,0:19:13.500
To be seen through, cut down,[br]perhaps even annihilated.

0:19:14.800,0:19:21.200
Every tone of voice a lie, every gesture[br]a falsehood, every smile a grimace.

0:19:21.300,0:19:25.000
Commit suicide? Oh, no.

0:19:25.600,0:19:29.400
That's ugly. You don't do that.

0:19:29.600,0:19:35.300
But you can be immobile, you can[br]fall silent. Then at least you don't lie.

0:19:35.400,0:19:38.700
You can close yourself in,[br]shut yourself off.

0:19:38.900,0:19:43.600
Then you don't have to play roles,[br]show any faces or make false gestures.

0:19:43.800,0:19:45.900
You think...

0:19:47.000,0:19:51.800
But you see, reality is bloody-minded.[br]Your hideout isn't watertight.

0:19:52.000,0:19:55.400
Life seeps in everything.

0:19:58.000,0:20:00.300
You're forced to react.

0:20:01.200,0:20:06.800
No one asks if it's real or unreal,[br]if you're true or false.

0:20:07.000,0:20:12.200
It's only in the theatre the question[br]carries weight. Hardly even there.

0:20:13.200,0:20:18.600
I understand you, Elisabet. I understand[br]you're keeping silent, you're immobile.

0:20:18.800,0:20:23.500
That you've placed this lack of will[br]into a fantastic system.

0:20:23.600,0:20:27.000
I understand and admire you.

0:20:27.200,0:20:31.600
I think you should maintain this role[br]until it's played out.

0:20:31.800,0:20:35.600
Until it's no longer interesting.[br]Then you can leave it.

0:20:35.700,0:20:40.900
Just as you bit by bit[br]leave all your other roles.

0:20:44.600,0:20:50.000
Mrs Vogler and Sister Alma moved out[br]to the doctor's house in late summer.

0:20:50.200,0:20:54.500
The sojourn near the sea[br]had a favourable effect on the actress.

0:20:54.600,0:20:59.000
The apathy that had crippled her[br]in hospital yields to long walks -

0:20:59.200,0:21:03.700
- fishing trips, cooking,[br]letter writing and other diversions.

0:21:03.800,0:21:09.400
Sister Alma enjoys her rural seclusion[br]and takes utmost care of her patient.

0:21:49.900,0:21:53.800
Don't you know it's bad luck[br]to compare hands?

0:22:10.800,0:22:15.600
Elisabet? Can I read you something[br]from my book?

0:22:15.800,0:22:18.800
Or am I disturbing you? It says here:

0:22:19.000,0:22:23.400
<i>ÑAll the anxiety we bear with us,[br]all our thwarted dreamsì -</i>

0:22:23.500,0:22:27.900
<i>- Ñthe incomprehensible cruelty,[br]our fear of extinctionì -</i>

0:22:28.100,0:22:31.000
<i>- Ñthe painful insight[br]into our earthly conditionì -</i>

0:22:31.200,0:22:37.000
<i>- Ñhave slowly eroded our hope[br]of an other-wordly salvationì</i>

0:22:37.500,0:22:42.000
<i>ÑThe howl of our faith and doubt[br]against the darkness and silenceì -</i>

0:22:42.200,0:22:46.000
<i>- Ñis one of the most awful proofs[br]of our abandonmentì -</i>

0:22:46.200,0:22:50.200
<i>- Ñand our terrified,[br]unuttered knowledgeì</i>

0:22:51.300,0:22:54.200
Do you think it's like that?

0:22:57.200,0:22:59.300
I don't believe it.

0:23:00.300,0:23:04.300
Making changes...[br]The worst thing with me is I'm so lazy.

0:23:04.600,0:23:08.900
And then I get a bad conscience. Karl-[br]Henrik scolds me for lacking ambition.

0:23:09.000,0:23:13.000
He says I go around like a sleepwalker.[br]I think that's unfair.

0:23:13.200,0:23:18.600
I was best in my group with the exams.[br]But he probably means something else.

0:23:20.400,0:23:22.000
You know...

0:23:22.200,0:23:26.000
Oh, sorry. You know[br]what I sometimes think of?

0:23:26.200,0:23:30.800
At the hospital where I did my exam,[br]there's a home for old nurses.

0:23:30.900,0:23:36.500
Ones that have always been nurses,[br]lived for their work. Always in uniform.

0:23:36.700,0:23:42.400
They live in their small rooms. Imagine[br]devoting your whole life to something.

0:23:42.600,0:23:46.500
I mean, believing in something.[br]Accomplishing something.

0:23:46.600,0:23:51.400
Believing that one's life has a purpose.[br]I like things like that.

0:23:51.600,0:23:55.500
Sticking to one thing doggedly,[br]irrespective. I think one ought to.

0:23:56.600,0:24:01.500
Mean something to other people.[br]Don't you think so as well?

0:24:05.200,0:24:08.800
I know it sounds childish,[br]but I believe in it.

0:24:10.400,0:24:13.500
Goodness, it's raining a lot!

0:24:14.000,0:24:19.000
Oh, yes. He was married.[br]We had a relationship for five years.

0:24:19.200,0:24:22.000
Then he got tired, of course.

0:24:22.200,0:24:25.900
I was very much in love, that's for sure.[br]And he was the first.

0:24:26.000,0:24:29.400
I remember it all like a long torment.

0:24:30.600,0:24:35.000
Long periods of pain[br]and then short moments when...

0:24:35.200,0:24:40.800
I'm thinking of it as you've taught me[br]to smoke. He smoked loads.

0:24:40.900,0:24:45.700
Thinking of it afterwards,[br]it's really banal. A real pulp fiction.

0:24:47.200,0:24:51.200
In a strange way[br]it was never really real.

0:24:51.500,0:24:57.200
I don't know how to describe it.[br]At least, I was never quite real to him.

0:24:58.200,0:25:02.500
My pain was real, that's for sure.

0:25:02.700,0:25:07.800
Somehow it was is if it was part of it[br]in some nasty way.

0:25:07.900,0:25:11.200
As if that's how it was supposed to be.

0:25:11.300,0:25:15.200
Even the things we said to each other...

0:25:20.500,0:25:25.600
Many people have told me that[br]I'm a good listener. Funny, huh?

0:25:25.800,0:25:31.200
No one's ever bothered to listen to me.[br]Like you are now. You're listening.

0:25:31.300,0:25:34.900
I think you're the first person[br]who's listened to me.

0:25:35.100,0:25:39.500
It can't be interesting at all.[br]You could read a good book instead.

0:25:39.700,0:25:43.000
God, I'm going on.[br]You're not getting irritated?

0:25:43.100,0:25:46.400
It's so nice to talk.[br]It feels so nice and warm.

0:25:46.600,0:25:50.100
I feel like I've never felt[br]in my whole life.

0:25:52.100,0:25:56.400
I always wanted a sister.[br]I only have a load of brothers. Seven.

0:25:56.600,0:26:01.700
Funny, huh? Then I come along. I've[br]been surrounded by boys all my life.

0:26:03.000,0:26:09.600
I like boys. But you would know that[br]with all your experience as an actress.

0:26:10.800,0:26:16.500
I really like Karl-Henrik.[br]But, you know, you only love once.

0:26:16.700,0:26:22.000
I'm faithful to him. In my profession[br]there are opportunities, I can tell you.

0:26:26.100,0:26:29.300
Karl-Henrik and I had hired[br]a cottage by the sea.

0:26:29.400,0:26:33.800
It was June, we were all alone.

0:26:34.000,0:26:38.700
One day when Karl-Henrik had gone[br]into town, I went to the beach alone.

0:26:38.900,0:26:42.900
It was really nice and warm.

0:26:43.100,0:26:46.600
There was another girl there.[br]She lived on an island nearby -

0:26:46.800,0:26:52.000
- but had come over as our beach lay[br]to the south and was more relaxed.

0:26:53.300,0:26:57.300
So we lay beside one another[br]completely naked and sunbathed.

0:26:57.600,0:27:02.500
We slept a little, woke up,[br]and put on some oil.

0:27:02.600,0:27:07.500
We wore these hats on our heads,[br]you know, those cheap straw hats.

0:27:07.600,0:27:11.000
I had a blue ribbon around my hat.

0:27:12.700,0:27:16.000
I lay looking out from under the hat -

0:27:16.100,0:27:20.100
- glanced out at the landscape,[br]the sea and the sun.

0:27:20.300,0:27:22.400
It was so curious.

0:27:27.800,0:27:32.700
Suddenly I saw two figures jumping[br]about on the rocks above us.

0:27:33.700,0:27:37.200
They hid and peeped out[br]occasionally.

0:27:37.300,0:27:43.100
<i>ÑThere are two boys looking at usì,[br]I said to her. Her name was Katarina.</i>

0:27:43.200,0:27:47.100
<i>ÑWell, let them lookì, she said,[br]and turned on her back.</i>

0:27:48.400,0:27:51.400
It was such a strange feeling.

0:27:51.500,0:27:56.000
I wanted to run and put on[br]my costume, but I just lay still...

0:27:56.200,0:28:02.300
On my belly with my bum in the air,[br]totally unembarrassed, totally calm.

0:28:04.800,0:28:11.000
All the time I had Katarina beside me[br]with her breasts and thick thighs.

0:28:11.200,0:28:15.200
She just lay there[br]giggling a little to herself.

0:28:17.400,0:28:22.600
Then I saw the boys had come nearer.[br]They just stood looking at us.

0:28:23.500,0:28:27.300
I saw that they were terribly young.

0:28:27.400,0:28:32.100
Then one of them, the bravest one -

0:28:32.200,0:28:36.200
- he came up to us[br]and squatted down beside Katarina.

0:28:36.400,0:28:42.300
He pretended to be busy with his foot[br]and sat poking between his toes.

0:28:42.400,0:28:46.000
I felt totally strange.

0:28:47.800,0:28:50.700
Suddenly I heard Katarina say:

0:28:50.800,0:28:54.800
<i>ÑAren't you going[br]to come over here?ì</i>

0:28:55.100,0:28:59.100
Then she took his hand and helped[br]him take his jeans and shirt off.

0:28:59.400,0:29:05.400
Suddenly he was over her and she[br]helped him in and held his behind.

0:29:07.200,0:29:11.200
The other boy just sat on the slope[br]and watched.

0:29:11.400,0:29:16.200
I heard Katarina whisper in his ear[br]and laugh.

0:29:16.300,0:29:19.800
I had his face right next to me.

0:29:19.900,0:29:23.400
It was all red and swollen.

0:29:25.200,0:29:29.500
<i>Suddenly I turned over and said,[br]ÑAren't you going to come to me too?ì</i>

0:29:30.700,0:29:36.200
<i>Katarina said, ÑGo to her nowì.[br]And he pulled out of her and...</i>

0:29:36.300,0:29:40.800
...he fell over me, completely hard.[br]He took hold of one breast.

0:29:41.000,0:29:44.900
God, it hurt so much...

0:29:45.000,0:29:50.000
I was all ready somehow, I came[br]at once. Can you understand that?

0:29:50.100,0:29:54.500
<i>I was just going to tell him, ÑBe careful[br]so that I don't get pregnantì -</i>

0:29:54.600,0:29:57.600
- when he came. I felt...

0:29:57.700,0:30:03.100
I felt it like I'd never felt it before[br]how he sprayed his seed into me.

0:30:04.000,0:30:09.400
He gripped my shoulders and bent[br]backwards. I came over and over.

0:30:12.600,0:30:17.100
Katarina lay on her side looking[br]and she held him from behind.

0:30:19.800,0:30:25.100
When he came she embraced him[br]and made herself come with his hand.

0:30:26.200,0:30:30.000
And when she came she screamed[br]really loud.

0:30:35.700,0:30:38.900
Then all three of us started laughing.

0:30:39.000,0:30:43.400
We called the other boy sitting[br]on the slope. His name was Peter.

0:30:48.400,0:30:52.700
He came down all confused,[br]looking frozen in the sunshine.

0:30:55.300,0:31:00.000
Katarina unbuttoned his trousers[br]and started playing with him.

0:31:00.100,0:31:03.400
When he came[br]she took him in her mouth.

0:31:04.400,0:31:07.600
He bent down and started kissing her[br]on the back.

0:31:07.800,0:31:11.800
She turned around, took his head in[br]both hands and gave him her breast.

0:31:12.100,0:31:16.100
The other boy got so excited,[br]so he and I started again.

0:31:17.600,0:31:20.400
It was as nice as the first time.

0:31:22.200,0:31:27.700
Then we swam and parted. When I[br]came back, Karl-Henrik had returned.

0:31:31.000,0:31:35.700
We ate dinner together and drank[br]the red wine he had with him.

0:31:37.000,0:31:39.900
Then we slept together.

0:31:40.000,0:31:45.100
It's never been as good, before or since.[br]Can you understand that?

0:31:45.600,0:31:49.600
Then I fell pregnant, of course.

0:31:49.800,0:31:54.600
Karl-Henrik, who's studying medicine,[br]took me to a friend who aborted it.

0:31:56.000,0:32:00.000
We were both happy.[br]We didn't want any children.

0:32:00.300,0:32:03.600
Not just then, anyway.

0:32:08.700,0:32:14.600
It doesn't make sense.[br]None of it fits together.

0:32:14.800,0:32:20.000
Then you get a bad conscience over[br]small things. Can you understand?

0:32:20.200,0:32:25.800
What happens to everything[br]you believe in? Isn't it necessary?

0:32:27.600,0:32:32.600
Can you be one and the same person[br]at the same time?

0:32:32.800,0:32:36.800
I mean, was I two people...?[br]God, I'm being silly...

0:32:37.000,0:32:41.000
I don't have any reason[br]to start snivelling, anyway.

0:32:41.300,0:32:44.400
Wait, I'm going to fetch a tissue.

0:33:04.200,0:33:09.300
It's nearly morning...[br]and it's still raining.

0:33:15.700,0:33:20.800
Imagine, I've been talking in a stream.[br]I've talked and you've listened to me.

0:33:20.900,0:33:25.900
How boring for you. Of what interest[br]can my life be to you?

0:33:26.100,0:33:28.400
One should be like you.

0:33:29.700,0:33:34.200
You know what I thought[br]when I saw your film that night?

0:33:34.300,0:33:40.000
When I came home I saw myself[br]in the mirror and thought: we're alike.

0:33:40.200,0:33:44.200
Don't misunderstand me, you're much[br]prettier, but we are alike in a way.

0:33:44.400,0:33:49.000
I think I could turn myself into you.[br]If I made a real effort.

0:33:49.100,0:33:51.100
I mean inside.

0:33:52.600,0:33:57.000
You could turn yourself into me[br]just like that.

0:33:57.100,0:34:02.200
Although your soul would be much[br]too big. It would stick out everywhere!

0:34:05.300,0:34:10.000
You should go to bed now. Otherwise[br]you'll fall asleep at the table.

0:34:22.900,0:34:27.600
No, I must go to bed.[br]Otherwise I'll fall asleep at the table.

0:34:27.800,0:34:31.100
That would be[br]a little too uncomfortable.

0:34:33.600,0:34:35.400
Good night.

0:37:28.200,0:37:30.200
Listen, Elisabet...

0:37:32.500,0:37:35.600
Did you speak to me last night?

0:38:05.000,0:38:08.000
Were you in my room last night?

0:38:48.400,0:38:51.200
Shall I take your mail as well?

0:38:52.000,0:38:53.800
Can I have a taste?

0:38:55.600,0:38:57.500
Bye.

0:40:01.100,0:40:05.900
My dear: I'd always like to live[br]like this. This silence, living cut off -

0:40:06.000,0:40:10.800
- this feeling of the battered soul[br]finally beginning to straighten out.

0:40:15.800,0:40:19.000
Alma's spoiling me[br]in the most moving manner.

0:40:21.100,0:40:26.400
I think, by the way, that she's enjoying[br]herself and is quite taken with me -

0:40:26.500,0:40:32.400
- even smitten in an unconscious and[br]delightful way. It's fun studying her.

0:40:41.300,0:40:44.200
Sometimes she cries over past sins -

0:40:44.300,0:40:48.300
- an episodic orgy with a totally[br]strange boy followed by an abortion.

0:40:48.400,0:40:52.800
She complains that her notions of life[br]don't accord with her actions.

0:46:22.900,0:46:29.000
I see you're reading a play? That's[br]a healthy sign, I'll tell the doctor.

0:46:32.000,0:46:36.700
Don't you think we should leave soon?[br]I'm starting to miss town.

0:46:36.800,0:46:39.900
Aren't you?

0:46:53.600,0:46:56.600
Would you like to make me[br]really happy?

0:46:57.200,0:47:01.500
I know it's a sacrifice,[br]but I need your help right now.

0:47:01.600,0:47:05.900
It's nothing dangerous.[br]But I want you to talk to me.

0:47:06.000,0:47:11.500
Doesn't have to be special.[br]Anything, what we're having for dinner -

0:47:11.600,0:47:16.700
- or if you think the water's cold after[br]the storm. If it's too cold to swim.

0:47:16.800,0:47:19.800
We only need to talk a few minutes.[br]One minute.

0:47:19.900,0:47:24.200
You can read from your book.[br]Just say a few words.

0:47:25.300,0:47:30.700
I must try not to get angry. You[br]remain silent and that's your business.

0:47:30.800,0:47:34.300
But now I need you to talk to me.

0:47:36.300,0:47:40.000
My dear woman,[br]can't you say just a single word?

0:47:42.200,0:47:47.600
I knew you'd refuse.[br]You can't know how I feel.

0:47:48.900,0:47:54.600
I always thought great artists felt[br]great compassion for other people.

0:47:54.700,0:47:59.600
That they created from a sense of[br]great sympathy and a need to help.

0:47:59.700,0:48:02.500
That was stupid of me.

0:48:05.200,0:48:10.500
You've used me. Now that you don't[br]need me you just throw me away.

0:48:11.300,0:48:15.100
Yes, I hear very well how it sounds,[br]how false it sounds!

0:48:15.200,0:48:19.000
You've used me, now you're[br]discarding me. Every word!

0:48:19.200,0:48:21.400
And then these glasses!

0:48:29.200,0:48:34.200
You've really hurt me. You've[br]laughed at me behind my back.

0:48:36.000,0:48:38.600
I read the letter you sent to the doctor.

0:48:38.800,0:48:43.600
Just think, it wasn't sealed![br]And I read it thoroughly!

0:48:44.600,0:48:49.100
You got me to talk. You got me to[br]tell you things I've never told anyone.

0:48:49.200,0:48:53.200
And you hand it on.[br]What a study, huh?! You're not...

0:48:54.200,0:48:59.300
You're going to talk now! If you've got[br]anything to say, you're bloody well...

0:49:12.100,0:49:14.900
No, stop it!

0:49:24.900,0:49:27.600
You were really scared now, huh?

0:49:29.200,0:49:33.200
For a second you were[br]genuinely scared, not so?

0:49:33.500,0:49:38.900
A genuine fear of death, huh?[br]Alma's gone crazy, you thought.

0:49:39.000,0:49:42.299
What kind of person are you, really?

0:49:42.300,0:49:45.900
Or do you think like this:[br]I'll remember that face.

0:49:46.000,0:49:51.500
That tone of voice, that expression. I'll[br]give you something you won't forget!

0:50:12.000,0:50:15.400
You're laughing, are you?

0:50:15.600,0:50:21.000
It's not so simple for me.[br]Not so funny, either.

0:50:21.100,0:50:24.200
But you've always got your laugh.

0:51:45.200,0:51:48.600
Must it be like this?

0:51:50.000,0:51:53.900
Is it really important not to lie,[br]to speak the truth -

0:51:54.000,0:51:57.200
- to talk with a genuine tone of voice?

0:51:57.400,0:52:00.600
Can one live at all[br]without talking freely?

0:52:00.700,0:52:05.700
Lie and deviate and evade things.

0:52:05.900,0:52:11.100
Isn't it better to allow yourself[br]to be lazy and sloppy, untruthful?

0:52:12.800,0:52:17.900
Maybe you become a little better if[br]you just let yourself be what you are.

0:52:20.600,0:52:24.600
No, you don't understand. You don't[br]understand what I'm saying.

0:52:24.900,0:52:27.300
You are inaccessible.

0:52:27.400,0:52:31.300
They said you were mentally healthy,[br]but your madness is the worst.

0:52:31.400,0:52:35.400
You're acting healthy. You do it[br]so well everyone believes you.

0:52:35.800,0:52:39.700
Everyone except me,[br]because I know how rotten you are.

0:52:45.000,0:52:46.800
What am I doing?

0:52:48.100,0:52:52.100
Elisabet! Elisabet, forgive me.

0:52:52.300,0:52:55.700
I behaved like an idiot,[br]don't know what got into me.

0:52:55.800,0:53:00.600
I'm here to help you.[br]Then there was that awful letter.

0:53:00.700,0:53:05.400
I was so disappointed.[br]You asked me to talk about myself.

0:53:06.300,0:53:10.200
It was nice, you looked so understanding,[br]I'd drunk a lot...

0:53:10.300,0:53:13.700
It was so nice to talk about it all.

0:53:13.800,0:53:19.300
I was also flattered that a great actress[br]cared to listen to me.

0:53:19.400,0:53:24.300
Somehow I thought it would be nice[br]if it was of some use to you.

0:53:24.500,0:53:28.300
But it's terrible, isn't it?[br]Sheer exhibitionism.

0:53:28.400,0:53:31.200
Elisabet, I want you to forgive me.

0:53:31.400,0:53:34.400
I like you so much,[br]you mean so much to me.

0:53:34.600,0:53:38.300
I've learned so much from you,[br]I don't want to part as enemies.

0:54:00.400,0:54:04.300
You don't want to forgive me.[br]You're too proud!

0:54:04.400,0:54:07.900
You won't lower yourself[br]because you don't need to!

0:54:08.100,0:54:11.600
I won't, I won't...!

0:58:06.900,0:58:10.900
We don't talk... don't listen...[br]understand...

0:58:14.800,0:58:19.900
- Elisabet?[br]- What means should... to enable...

0:59:02.400,0:59:06.000
When you sleep your face is slack.

0:59:07.900,0:59:11.600
Your mouth is swollen and ugly.

0:59:13.400,0:59:17.400
You have a nasty wrinkle[br]on your forehead.

0:59:23.900,0:59:27.400
You smell of sleep and tears.

0:59:30.300,0:59:34.000
I can see the pulse on your throat.

0:59:34.200,0:59:38.100
You have a scar you normally cover[br]with make-up.

0:59:40.100,0:59:42.100
Elisabet!

0:59:42.900,0:59:45.400
He's calling again.

0:59:46.500,0:59:49.500
I'll find out what he wants from us.

0:59:49.600,0:59:53.300
Out here, far away in our loneliness.

1:00:14.600,1:00:16.200
Elisabet?

1:00:17.100,1:00:20.900
Elisabet? Sorry if I frightened you.

1:00:21.900,1:00:26.700
- I'm not Elisabet.[br]- I don't have any demands.

1:00:26.800,1:00:31.100
I didn't want to disturb you.[br]Don't you think I understand?

1:00:31.200,1:00:35.100
The doctor explained[br]a number of things to me.

1:00:35.200,1:00:40.600
The most difficult thing is explaining[br]to the little boy. I'm doing my best.

1:00:42.300,1:00:47.200
There is something that lies deeper,[br]that is hard to catch sight of.

1:00:47.300,1:00:51.700
You love someone, or more correctly,[br]say you love someone, it's...

1:00:51.800,1:00:56.700
It's understandable.[br]Tangible as words are, that is.

1:00:56.900,1:01:00.300
Mr Vogler, I'm not your wife.

1:01:00.400,1:01:05.000
You are also loved.[br]You build a little fellowship.

1:01:05.200,1:01:10.800
It generates security. You see[br]the possibility of enduring, not so?

1:01:12.800,1:01:18.600
How can I say everything I've thought[br]without losing my way, boring you?

1:01:26.800,1:01:30.600
I love you, as much as I did before.

1:01:37.000,1:01:41.900
No, don't be so anxious, my darling.[br]We have one another.

1:01:42.000,1:01:45.100
We have faith,[br]know each other's thoughts.

1:01:45.200,1:01:48.900
We love one another.[br]It's true isn't it?

1:01:49.000,1:01:53.400
It's the effort that's most important,[br]not what we achieve. Isn't it?

1:01:55.900,1:02:00.500
To see each other as children.[br]Tormented, helpless, lonely children.

1:02:00.600,1:02:06.100
- Elisabet.[br]- Tell the boy that I'm coming soon.

1:02:06.200,1:02:10.000
Mummy's been sick,[br]but she's longing for her little boy.

1:02:10.200,1:02:15.200
Remember to buy a present for him.[br]From Mummy, don't forget.

1:02:15.300,1:02:19.100
You know I feel[br]such tenderness for you.

1:02:21.500,1:02:24.400
It's difficult to bear.

1:02:25.000,1:02:28.900
I don't know what to do[br]with my tenderness.

1:02:29.500,1:02:32.100
I live from your tenderness.

1:02:33.500,1:02:38.600
Elisabet, do you like being with me?[br]Is it nice?

1:02:41.100,1:02:45.800
- You're a wonderful lover. You know.[br]- My darling...

1:02:47.700,1:02:51.400
Anaethetise me... throw me away!

1:02:51.500,1:02:54.500
No, I can't, I can't take any more!

1:02:54.600,1:02:58.600
Leave me alone![br]It's shame, it's all shame!

1:02:58.700,1:03:03.600
Leave me alone![br]I'm cold and rotten and indifferent!

1:03:03.700,1:03:07.400
It's all just lies and imitation,[br]all of it!

1:03:13.700,1:03:17.200
Elisabet, what have you got there?

1:03:18.000,1:03:22.000
What are you hiding[br]under your hand? Let me see.

1:03:25.200,1:03:29.200
It's the photo of your little boy.[br]The one you tore up.

1:03:29.400,1:03:31.600
We must talk about that.

1:03:39.100,1:03:41.600
Tell me about it, Elisabet.

1:03:42.400,1:03:44.600
Then I will.

1:03:45.400,1:03:50.700
It was one night at a party, isn't[br]that so? It got late and quite rowdy.

1:03:52.400,1:03:56.100
Towards morning[br]someone in the group said:

1:03:56.200,1:04:00.600
<i>ÑElisabet, you virtually have it all in[br]your armoury as a woman and artistì</i>

1:04:00.700,1:04:03.600
<i>ÑBut you lack motherlinessì</i>

1:04:04.400,1:04:08.000
You laughed[br]because you thought it sounded silly.

1:04:08.200,1:04:12.600
But after a while you noticed[br]you thought about what he'd said.

1:04:13.800,1:04:19.500
You became more and more worried.[br]You let your husband impregnate you.

1:04:19.600,1:04:22.600
You wanted to be a mother.

1:04:22.800,1:04:26.400
When you realized it was definite,[br]you became frightened.

1:04:26.500,1:04:32.200
Frightened of responsibility, of being[br]tied down, of leaving the theatre.

1:04:32.300,1:04:38.600
Frightened of pain, of dying,[br]frightened of your body swelling up.

1:04:38.700,1:04:44.200
But you played the role. The role[br]of a happy, young, expectant mother.

1:04:45.500,1:04:50.200
<i>Everyone said, Ñlsn't she beautiful?[br]She's never been so beautifulì</i>

1:04:53.000,1:04:57.700
Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus[br]several times.

1:04:57.800,1:05:00.200
But you failed.

1:05:00.400,1:05:04.800
When you saw it was irreversible,[br]you started to hate the baby.

1:05:05.000,1:05:08.500
And you wished it would be stillborn.

1:05:10.800,1:05:14.000
You wished the baby would be dead.

1:05:15.700,1:05:18.200
You wished for a dead baby.

1:05:22.900,1:05:25.800
It was a difficult and long delivery.

1:05:25.900,1:05:31.700
You were in agony for days. Finally[br]the baby was delivered with forceps.

1:05:31.800,1:05:35.800
You looked with disgust and terror[br]at your squealing baby and whispered:

1:05:36.000,1:05:39.300
<i>ÑCan't you die soon? Can't you die?ì</i>

1:05:41.000,1:05:43.000
But he survived.

1:05:44.500,1:05:47.200
The boy screamed day and night.

1:05:50.000,1:05:55.900
And you hated him. You were scared,[br]you had a bad conscience.

1:05:58.200,1:06:02.200
Finally the boy was taken care of[br]by relatives and a nanny.

1:06:02.300,1:06:06.800
You could get up from your sickbed[br]and return to the theatre.

1:06:08.900,1:06:12.400
But the suffering wasn't over.

1:06:12.600,1:06:17.600
The boy was gripped by a massive[br]and unfathomable love for his mother.

1:06:17.700,1:06:22.100
You defend yourself.[br]You defend yourself in despair.

1:06:22.200,1:06:28.500
You feel you can't return it.[br]So you try, and you try...

1:06:28.600,1:06:32.100
But there are only cruel and clumsy[br]meetings between you.

1:06:32.200,1:06:37.000
You can't do it.[br]You're cold and indifferent.

1:06:37.100,1:06:42.100
He looks at you.[br]He loves you and he's so gentle.

1:06:42.300,1:06:46.200
You want to hit him[br]because he doesn't leave you alone.

1:06:46.400,1:06:50.400
You think he's disgusting[br]with his thick mouth and ugly body.

1:06:50.500,1:06:55.000
His moist and pleading eyes.[br]He's disgusting and you're scared.

1:06:59.100,1:07:03.700
What are you hiding[br]under your hand? Let me see.

1:07:07.600,1:07:11.200
It's the photo of your little boy.[br]The one you tore up.

1:07:11.400,1:07:13.400
We must talk about it.

1:07:21.800,1:07:24.200
Tell me about it, Elisabet.

1:07:26.800,1:07:28.700
Then I will.

1:07:31.300,1:07:34.700
It was one night at a party,[br]isn't that right?

1:07:34.800,1:07:38.600
It got late and quite rowdy.

1:07:38.800,1:07:42.400
Towards morning[br]someone in the group said:

1:07:42.500,1:07:47.300
<i>ÑElisabet, you virtually have it all in[br]your armoury as a woman and artistì</i>

1:07:47.400,1:07:50.000
<i>ÑBut you lack motherlinessì</i>

1:07:51.400,1:07:55.400
You laughed[br]because you thought it sounded silly.

1:07:55.600,1:07:59.600
But after a while you noticed[br]you thought about what he'd said.

1:07:59.800,1:08:05.100
You became more and more worried.[br]You let your husband impregnate you.

1:08:07.000,1:08:10.400
You wanted to be a mother.

1:08:11.600,1:08:15.600
When you realized it was definite,[br]you became frightened.

1:08:16.000,1:08:22.300
Frightened of responsibility, of being[br]tied down, of leaving the theatre.

1:08:22.399,1:08:27.700
Frightened of pain, of dying,[br]frightened of your body swelling up.

1:08:30.200,1:08:35.700
But you played the role. The role[br]of a happy, young, expectant mother.

1:08:37.000,1:08:42.000
<i>Everyone said, Ñlsn't she beautiful?[br]She's never been so beautifulì</i>

1:08:42.700,1:08:46.700
Meanwhile you tried to abort the foetus[br]several times.

1:08:46.899,1:08:48.899
But you failed.

1:08:50.399,1:08:53.399
When you saw it was irreversible...

1:08:54.399,1:08:57.399
...you started to hate the baby.

1:08:58.600,1:09:01.800
And you wished it would be stillborn.

1:09:04.399,1:09:07.399
You wished the baby would be dead.

1:09:11.300,1:09:14.200
You wished for a dead baby.

1:09:17.899,1:09:21.200
The delivery was difficult and long.

1:09:21.399,1:09:27.200
You were in agony for days. Finally[br]the baby was delivered with forceps.

1:09:27.899,1:09:31.899
You looked with disgust and terror[br]at your squealing baby and whispered:

1:09:32.200,1:09:36.200
<i>ÑCan't you die soon? Can't you die?ì</i>

1:09:36.700,1:09:41.399
The boy screamed day and night.[br]And you hated him.

1:09:42.100,1:09:46.100
You were scared,[br]you had a bad conscience.

1:09:47.600,1:09:51.600
Finally the boy was taken care of[br]by relatives and a nanny.

1:09:51.700,1:09:55.600
You could get up from your sickbed[br]and return to the theatre.

1:09:57.600,1:10:00.500
But the suffering wasn't over.

1:10:01.800,1:10:07.000
The boy was gripped by a massive[br]and unfathomable love for his mother.

1:10:07.100,1:10:12.700
You defend yourself in despair.[br]You feel you can't return it.

1:10:12.800,1:10:15.400
So you try, and you try...

1:10:16.200,1:10:19.900
But there are only cruel and clumsy[br]meetings between you.

1:10:20.000,1:10:25.500
You can't do it.[br]You're cold and indifferent.

1:10:25.600,1:10:30.700
He looks at you.[br]He loves you and he's so gentle.

1:10:30.800,1:10:34.800
You want to hit him[br]because he doesn't leave you alone.

1:10:35.000,1:10:38.900
You think he's disgusting[br]with his thick mouth and ugly body.

1:10:39.000,1:10:44.000
His moist and pleading eyes.[br]He's disgusting and you're scared.

1:10:51.800,1:10:53.900
No!

1:10:54.700,1:10:59.600
I'm not like you. I don't feel like you.

1:10:59.800,1:11:03.200
I'm Sister Alma,[br]I'm just here to help you.

1:11:03.400,1:11:07.900
I'm not Elisabet Vogler.[br]You are Elisabet Vogler.

1:11:08.000,1:11:10.200
I would like to have...

1:11:11.200,1:11:13.200
I love...

1:11:15.300,1:11:17.200
I haven't...

1:11:49.600,1:11:52.200
I've learnt quite a lot.

1:12:05.700,1:12:08.700
We'll see how long I hold out.

1:12:13.700,1:12:17.400
I'll never be like you, never.[br]I change all the time.

1:12:17.500,1:12:21.200
You can do what you like,[br]you won't get to me anyhow.

1:12:53.400,1:12:57.800
Saying doesn't help.[br]Cut a candle.

1:12:58.000,1:13:02.800
A kind of otherness.[br]Not now, no. No, no.

1:13:03.800,1:13:07.300
Warning and out of time.[br]Unforeseen.

1:13:07.500,1:13:11.800
When it was supposed to occur,[br]it didn't occur and so failure.

1:13:11.900,1:13:15.500
Yourself where you are.[br]But I should do it.

1:13:15.700,1:13:20.000
Not inwards, no...[br]Say collect and advise others...

1:13:20.100,1:13:23.700
The disconsolate, perhaps...

1:13:27.400,1:13:31.400
Take, yes... but what is closest...?

1:13:31.800,1:13:35.700
What's it called...? No, no, no...

1:13:35.800,1:13:38.600
Us, we, me, I...

1:13:38.800,1:13:44.300
Many words and such nausea...[br]Incomprehensible pain. The throw...

1:15:12.800,1:15:18.100
Try and listen to me now.[br]Repeat after me.

1:15:21.900,1:15:25.300
Nothing...

1:15:27.000,1:15:31.000
Nothing. No, nothing...

1:15:38.100,1:15:40.100
Nothing.

1:15:40.900,1:15:46.000
That's it. That's good.[br]That's how it should be.

1:19:03.600,1:19:06.900
Translation: Alexander Keiller[br]Subtitling International