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Gracias, Presidente Cowen, 
Sra. Presidente Cowen,

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(risa del público)

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distinguidos invitados,

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invitados corrientes,
ya sabéis quienes sois,

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(risa del público)

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honrada facultad,
y profesora rara de español.

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(risa del público)

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Y gracias
a toda la promoción del 2009,

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Sé que la mayoría tenéis resaca
y jaqueca

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y no dormís 
desde el comienzo de la Cuaresma

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pero no os graduaréis
hasta que acabe, ¡Atentos!

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(ovación y aplausos del público)

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Cuando me propusieron hacer
el discurso de graduación

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Acepté inmediatamente.

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Luego quise saber
el significado de graduación,

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(risa del público)

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hubiera sido más fácil
de haber tenido un diccionario,

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pero la mayoría de libros
que hay en casa son de Portia

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y están escritos en Australiano.
(risa del público)

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Tuve que analizar la palabra
yo misma,

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Para descubrir su significado.

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Graduación.

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público y aplausos)

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público)

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(risa del público)

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(aplausos y ovación del público)

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(risa del público y aplausos)

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(risa del público)

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(Ellen ríe)

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De todas formas,
no sabía que hacer con mi vida

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Y cómo acabé en este camino
fue resultado de una tragedia.

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Tenía unos 19 años

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Y mi novia de entonces
murió en un accidente de coche.

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Y rebasé el accidente

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no sabía que era ella
y seguí tirando.

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Poco después
me enteré que era ella.

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Yo vivía en el sótano de unos pisos.

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No tenía dinero, ni calefacción,
ni aire acondicionado.

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Tenía un colchón en el suelo
y el piso estaba infestado de pulgas.

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No paraba de darle vueltas.
Pensando en su ida repentina

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y en por qué había pulgas.

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No lo entendía.

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Debía haber un motivo
y sería práctico poder llamar a Dios

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y preguntárselo.

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Empecé a escribir
y manó de mi interior

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una conversación imaginaria con Dios,
unilateral.

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Y acabé de escribir, la miré
y me dije a mi misma

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-aun no había hecho monólogos,
no había ningún local en la ciudad-

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lo haré en el programa Tonight Show
con Johnny Carson.

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-por aquel entonces era el rey-

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y seré la primera mujer participante
en la historia del programa.

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Varios años más tarde,

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fui la primera y única mujer
en la historia del programa,

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que participó.


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Gracias a la conversación telefónica
que escribí a Dios.

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Inicié el camino de los monólogos,
tuve éxito y era fantástico.

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Pero también difícil
porque intentaba complacer a todos

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y guardaba mi homosexualidad
en secreto

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porque pensaba que si se enteraban,
dejaría de gustarles, ya no se reirían.

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Entonces mi trayectoria dio un giro.

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Obtuve mi propio programa de humor
y tuvo mucho éxito.

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Y pensé: "Y si supieran que soy gay?
Entonces no lo mirarían".

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Esto pasó hace tiempo,
cuando solo teníamos presidentes blancos

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