Thank you, President Cowen,
Mrs. President Cowen,

(audience laughs)

distinguished guests,

undistinguished guests,
you know who you are,

(audience laughs)

honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

(audience laughs)

And thank you
to all the graduating class of 2009,

I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up!

(audience cheers and applauses)

When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

I immediately said yes.

Then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

(audience laughs)

which would've been easy
if I had a dictionary but most

of the books in our house are Portia's
and they're all written in Australian.

(audience laughs)

So, I had to break the word
down myself,

to find out the meaning.

Commencement.

Common and cement.

(audience laughs)

Common cement.

You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

(audience laughs)

So there's that.

(audience laughs)

But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

(audience laughs)

I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

you had to graduate from the school.

(audience laughs)

I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowen knows,

I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

I'm a huge celebrity.

(audience laughs and applauses)

Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks,

our mascot was the knockers.

(audience laughs)

I spent a lot of time here growing up.

My mom worked at Newcomb
and I would go there

every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

I'm here because of you.

Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

Usually when you're wearing a robe

at ten in the morning, 
it means you've given up.

(audience laughs)

I'm here

(audience laughs)

because I love New Orleans.

I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

(audience laughs)

When I finished school
I was completely lost.

And by school, I mean middle school,

but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

And I really had no ambition.

I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners.

I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

(audience laughs and cheers)

So what I'm saying is when your're older,
most of you will be gay.

(audience laughs and applauses)

Is anybody writing this stuff down?

Parents?

(audience laughs)

(Ellen laughs)

Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

I was maybe 19

and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

And I passed the accident

and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

And I was living in a basement apartment.

I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

and there are fleas here?
I don't understand."

There must be a purpose
and wouldn't it be so convenient

if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions.

And I started writing
and what poured out of me

was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

I said I'm gonna do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson --

at the time, he was the king --
and I'm gonna be the first woman

in the history of the show
to be called over to sit down.

And several years later,

I was the first woman
in the history of the show,

and the only woman
in the history of the show to sit down

because of that phone conversation
with God that I wrote.

And I started this path of stand-up

and it was successful and it was great,
but it was hard

because I was trying to please everybody,
and I had this secret that I was keeping

that I was gay, and I thought if people
found out they wouldn't like me,

they wouldn't laugh at me,
then my career turned into,

I got my own sitcom and that was
very successful, another level of success

and I thought, "What if they find out
I'm gay? Then they'll never watch."

This was a long time ago,
this was when we just had

white presidents
but anyway, this was back

(audience laughs)

many years ago.

(audience laughs)

And, I finally

decided that I was living with so much
shame and so much fear.

That I just couldn't live that way anymore.
I decided to come out, make it creative,

my character would come out
at the same time.

It wasn't to make a political statement
or do anything other than to free myself

up from this heaviness
that I was carrying around.

I just wanted to be honest
and I thought,

"What's the worst that can happen?
I can lose my career."

I did.

I lost my career.

The show was cancelled after six years
without even telling me.

I read it in the paper.

The phone didn't ring for three years.

I had no offers,
nobody wanted to touch me at all.

Yet, I was getting letters from kids
that almost committed suicide

but didn't because of what I did,

and I realized that I had a purpose

and it wasn't just about me
and it wasn't about celebrity

but I felt like I was being punished.

It was a bad time.
I was angry, I was sad.

And then I was offered a talk show

and the people that offered me
the talk show tried to sell it

and most stations
didn't want to pick it up.

Most people didn't want to buy it because
they thought nobody would watch me.

Really, when I look back on it,
I wouldn't change a thing.

It was so important for me
to lose everything

because I found out
what the most important thing is,

is to be true to yourself.

Ultimately, that's what's gotten me
to this place.

I don't live in fear, I'm free,
I have no secrets,

and I know I'll always be okay

because no matter what,
I know who I am.

So, in conclusion,

when I was younger
I thought success was something different.

I thought, when I grow up,
I want to be famous,

I want to be a star,
I want to be in movies.

When I grow up, I want to see
the world, drive nice cars,

I wanna have groupies,

(audience laughs)

to quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

How many people thought
it was boobies by the way?

It's not, it's groupies.

(audience laughs)

But my idea of success is different today
and as you grow,

you'll realize the definition
of success changes.

For many of you, today's success is being
able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.

(audience laughs and cheers)

For me, the most important
thing in your life

is to live your life with integrity

and not to give into peer pressure
to try to be something that you're not.

To live your life as an honest
and compassionate person,

to contribute in some way.

So to conclude my conclusion,

(audience laughs)

follow your passion,
stay true to yourself,

never follow someone else's path
unless you're in the woods

and you're lost and you see a path,

then by all means
you should follow that.

(audience laughs)

Don't give advice,
it'll come back and bite you in the ass.

Don't take anyone's advice.

So my advice to you is to

(audience laughs)

be true to yourself
and everything will be fine.

I know a lot of you are concerned about
your future but there's no need to worry.

The economy is booming,
the job market is wide open.

(audience laughs)

The planet is just fine.

(audience laughs)

It'll be great.
You already survived a hurricane.

What else can happen to you?

Some of the most devastating things
that happen to you

will teach you the most.
Now you know the right questions

to ask for your first job interview,
like, "Is it above sea level?"

(audience laughs)

So, to conclude my conclusion
that I previously concluded

in the common cement speech,

I guess what I'm trying to say
is life is like one big Mardi Gras,

but instead of showing your boobs
show people your brain,

and if they like what they see

you'll have more beads
than you know what to do with.

And you'll be drunk most of the time.

(audience laughs)

So to the Katrina class of 2009,
I say congratulations

and if you don't remember
a thing I said today, remember this.

You're gonna be okay

dum-do-dum-dum-dum

just dance.

(audience laughs and cheers)