WEBVTT
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Hello there ...
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You have heard it before,
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'In order for you to
live a healthy life, '
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'you have to have a healthy a life '
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'on the level of Body, Mind and Soul.'
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These pillars have long
been considered the pillars
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of a healthy and complete life.
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But what if I was to tell you
that we got it all wrong?
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When we think of soul
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we think of the soul as an
etheric or intangible energy.
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Likewise, because of the
ethereal, intangible nature
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of feelings and emotions,
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(which we do not understand)
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we call them 'Soul'.
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This is why, all advice
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about how to feed
and heal your soul,
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is in fact designed to help
you emotionally feel better.
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In truth, our soul-aspect
is innately healthy.
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It cannot be in an unhealthy state.
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Soul, which is pre-manifested energy,
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creates feelings and creates
mind and creates body.
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All three levels of a person are,
in fact, comprised of Soul.
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A body is a soul projecting
itself physically.
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A mind is a soul
projecting itself mentally.
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Feeling is a soul
consciously perceiving.
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Because of this, we could look
at it in one of two ways.
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The first is that the
three pillars of health
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are Body, Mind and Emotion.
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The second is that emotion
is the language of the soul.
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If you choose to see it this way,
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then the key to what people
are calling Soul Health
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is your Emotional Health.
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Part of Emotional Health
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is the conscious acknowledgement
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of our non-corporeal Consciousness
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which we could call Spirit or Soul.
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When we use the word 'Soul'
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we are referring to the
core-aspect of someone's being.
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This is why the word
'Soul' and the word 'Heart'
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are interchangeable.
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It's why you might hear
someone who's talking about
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their core-aspect,
their 'Soul', saying:
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"I know it in my heart that _____"
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This is an acknowledgement that we know
that at the core-aspect of our being
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our experience, here on earth,
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is not physical, it is emotional.
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When we first come into this life
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we experience the world
entirely through felt perception.
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We feel the world before
we see the world.
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Feeling and Emotion is not only
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the heart of your
life here on earth,
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it is also the heart
of your relationships.
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Because feeling and emotion
is the heart of relationships,
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it is also where the
most damage is done.
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I wanna step you, for
the sake of understanding,
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into a historical look
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at relationships and how
emotions play into relationships.
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Over the centuries,
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our ideas about the good
and bad ways to raise children
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have changed drastically.
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For example:
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In medieval days, childhood
did not really exist.
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As soon as a child
could physically manage,
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they were put to work.
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Often in roles that would
be seen today as slavery.
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Children were not
seen as pure,
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in fact, they were seen as Evil!
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And the extraordinary
corporal punishment used,
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which was, of course, considered
normal and commonplace,
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was used to grant a child
salvation and goodness.
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In this era, even in the most
aristocratic households,
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instead of valuing and
adoring their child,
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some parents took to
despising their own children
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and deliberately belittling
and abusing them
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thinking it was, in fact,
for their own good.
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In the late 1600s,
history saw the birth
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of the Punishment &
Reward style of parenting.
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Instead of pure corporal punishment,
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philosopher John Locke suggested
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that the better way of
training a child to be good
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would be to withdraw
approval and affection
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by 'disgracing' a child
when they are bad
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and to 'esteem' the child
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by rewarding the child with
approval and affection
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when they were good.
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I want you to sit in this
realization for a minute,
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of what I have just said.
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It took parents until the 1600s
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to come up with the idea
of Reward & Punishment ...
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Now, the Reward & Punishment
style of parenting we now know,
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is incredibly destructive.
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One of the most destructive
parenting techniques
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we have today.
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Now in the 1600s,
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Reward & Punishment was
a drastic improvement
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upon how children were
parented before that ...
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In the early 20th century,
not much had changed.
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Child-rearing experts
still formally denounced
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all romantic ideas
about childhood,
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and advocated the formation
of proper habits
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to discipline children.
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In fact, in 1914 U.S.
Children's Bureau pamphlet
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called 'Infant Care'
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urged a strict schedule
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and urged parents not
to play with their babies.
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John B. Watson's 'Behaviorism'
argued that parents could
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train their children by
rewarding good behavior
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and punishing bad behavior
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and by following precise schedules
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for food, sleep and
other bodily functions.
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Who could forget
the Bible proverb
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that so many parents
have lived by
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and still live by, today:
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"Whoever spares the rod,
hates their children,
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but the one who
loves their children
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is careful to discipline them."
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(as if discipline and corporal
punishment are one and the same!)
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In the 20th Century,
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corporal punishment began
to fall out of favor
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in the Western World.
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Many parents became
conscious enough to see
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corporal punishment for
what it is - which is abuse.
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And so today,
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while sadly there are still pockets
of un-Conscious parents
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that still abuse their children
in the name of discipline,
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the larger majority in
the Western World
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use parenting practices like time-outs
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as a tool of discipline.
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It is easy to look back
over time and say
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that we were in the Dark Ages
when it came to parenting
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but let me tell you,
that in the years to come,
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the future will look
back at us today
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and say the exact same thing -
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that we are, in fact, in
the Dark Age of parenting.
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Now, just as corporal
punishment has fallen out
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as a favorable style of parenting,
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I'm going to tell you today
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that we are on the
edge of a revolution.
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The revolution is
Emotional Parenting.
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We are about to find out that
we are in the Dark Ages today
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in terms of Emotional Parenting,
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and that we are doing
the same kind of damage
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on an emotional level,
to our children,
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as the parents did on a physical
level and an emotional level
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who were beating their children
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in centuries that have passed.
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I am here to tell you
that we have no idea
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how to create a healthy emotional
climate in our households
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for our children.
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And there are, of course,
exceptions to this rule,
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but by far, in today's
modern world,
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the vast majority of
children are being raised
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in unhealthy emotional environments.
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And, in fact, the emotional
climate of the household
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has not even factored into
good parenting, until today.
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We are emerging from
the new Dark Age.
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The Dark Age is the dark age
of Emotions and Feelings.
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We are awakening to the idea
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that it is possible to be a very
good parent on a physical level
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while being a very bad
parent on an emotional level.
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And this has vast implication,
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because we have already addressed,
earlier in this episode,
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that the very core
of our existence
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is Feelings and Emotions.
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So, if the emotional
climate of your household,
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with your children,
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is an unhealthy one,
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then the core essence of someone's
Life and someone's Being
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is an unhealthy one.
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In today's world,
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most parenting advice ignores
the world of emotion entirely.
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It focuses on how to
correct misbehavior
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whilst disregarding the feelings
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that underlie and cause
that very misbehavior.
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Regardless of how far
we have progressed,
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the goal of parenting
is still to have
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a compliant and obedient child,
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not, to raise a healthy adult.
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The goal is raise a
child who is 'good'.
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Our Justice System takes
the exact same approach
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with regards to misbehavior.
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We are concerned with
correcting misbehavior
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and creating good citizens
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whilst being unconcerned
with the feelings
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that motivate such misbehavior.
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Good parenting involves emotion.
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Good relationships involve emotion.
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Today, most parents make
three crucial mistakes:
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No.1 is that they disregard or
dismiss their child's emotions,
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No.2 is that they disapprove
of their child's emotions,
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No.3 is they offer no
guidance to a child
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so that they can get through
their negative emotions.
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The parent who disapproves
of their child's emotions
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is critical of their child's
display of negative emotion
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and reprimand or punish
for emotional-expression.
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The parent who dismisses
their child's emotions,
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disregards them as unimportant,
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ignores their child's emotions,
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or, worse, trivializes
their child's emotions.
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And the parent who
offers no guidance
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may empathize with
their child's emotions
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but does not set
limits on behavior
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or assist the child in
understanding and coping
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with their own emotion.
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To give you an example of how this
works out in practical terms:
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Imagine that William does
not want to go to school,
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and begins to cry when his parents
make him go to school.
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The disapproving parent
might scold William
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for his refusal to cooperate ...
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The disapproving parent
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may resort to calling him a brat
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and punishing him in some way
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with time alone or with a spanking ...
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The dismissive parent may
brush off William's emotions
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by saying 'That's silly ... '
00:10:22.257 --> 00:10:24.863
'There's no reason to be
sad about going to school. '
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'Now turn that frown upside down!' ...
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The dismissive parent may even
resort to distracting William
00:10:29.846 --> 00:10:31.742
from his emotions
by giving him a cookie
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or pointing out a cow in a
field on their way to school.
00:10:34.527 --> 00:10:36.532
The parent who
offers no guidance
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may behave in an apathetic
way towards William
00:10:38.763 --> 00:10:41.417
by telling him that it's okay
to feel sad or scared.
00:10:41.417 --> 00:10:43.244
But that parent would
not continue on
00:10:43.244 --> 00:10:46.561
to help William decide what to do
with his uncomfortable feelings.
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Instead, they would
leave him in a space
00:10:48.534 --> 00:10:51.436
where he feels as if his emotions
are an all-consuming force
00:10:51.436 --> 00:10:53.375
that he is powerless to.
00:10:53.375 --> 00:10:56.221
Children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments
00:10:56.221 --> 00:10:58.397
are not able to soothe themselves.
00:10:58.397 --> 00:11:00.640
They also tend to
develop health problems.
00:11:00.640 --> 00:11:01.713
On top of this,
00:11:01.713 --> 00:11:04.616
children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments
00:11:04.616 --> 00:11:07.145
fail to emotionally connect
with their family.
00:11:07.145 --> 00:11:09.430
They often feel as if
they do not belong.
00:11:09.430 --> 00:11:11.862
They fail to develop intimacy
with their families
00:11:11.862 --> 00:11:14.807
and as a result, they
feel isolated and alone.
00:11:14.807 --> 00:11:17.155
This, of course, carries
on into adulthood.
00:11:17.155 --> 00:11:19.226
They grow into adults
who are not capable
00:11:19.226 --> 00:11:20.599
of managing their emotion.
00:11:20.599 --> 00:11:23.270
They grow into adults who
feel as if they don't belong.
00:11:23.270 --> 00:11:26.240
They grow into adults who struggle
to make relationships work.
00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:28.203
They develop co-dependent relationships
00:11:28.217 --> 00:11:29.738
and they develop a need,
00:11:29.738 --> 00:11:33.213
while simultaneously, an
extreme fear of intimacy.
00:11:34.239 --> 00:11:36.041
In my personal opinion,
00:11:36.061 --> 00:11:40.202
the number one cause of psychopathy
and sociopathy in adults
00:11:40.202 --> 00:11:44.515
is, in fact, an unhealthy emotional
environment in childhood.
00:11:44.515 --> 00:11:45.877
Now, keep in mind,
00:11:45.877 --> 00:11:47.909
that the majority of
people who study
00:11:47.916 --> 00:11:50.626
the causes of psychopathy and sociopathy
00:11:50.659 --> 00:11:53.093
are looking around in people's pasts
00:11:53.132 --> 00:11:55.657
for overt signs of abuse.
00:11:55.935 --> 00:11:59.551
It is much more easy to
recognize overt signs of abuse,
00:11:59.551 --> 00:12:02.722
much more difficult to recognize
unhealthy emotional patterns
00:12:02.738 --> 00:12:04.846
in childhood environments.
00:12:05.640 --> 00:12:08.046
Many of the serial killers
and school shooters
00:12:08.066 --> 00:12:10.783
who reportedly came
from 'healthy' homes
00:12:10.816 --> 00:12:13.631
did not, in fact, come
from healthy homes at all.
00:12:13.631 --> 00:12:15.561
They came from physically
healthy homes
00:12:15.561 --> 00:12:17.109
where they were
fed and clothed
00:12:17.109 --> 00:12:18.894
and given many advantages, even.
00:12:18.894 --> 00:12:21.002
but underneath that
lovely-looking exterior
00:12:21.002 --> 00:12:23.308
was extreme emotional dysfunction.
00:12:23.308 --> 00:12:25.350
Emotional dysfunction
that disabled them
00:12:25.350 --> 00:12:27.728
from connecting with other people.
00:12:27.824 --> 00:12:30.627
Emotional dismissal and
emotional disapproval
00:12:30.673 --> 00:12:33.251
are forms of emotional abuse.
00:12:33.712 --> 00:12:35.529
But the future will soon teach us
00:12:35.529 --> 00:12:37.945
to never underestimate
emotional dismissal,
00:12:37.945 --> 00:12:41.037
emotional disapproval
and emotional abuse.
00:12:41.037 --> 00:12:42.084
In my opinion,
00:12:42.084 --> 00:12:44.854
(having experienced all the
different forms of abuse)
00:12:44.906 --> 00:12:47.223
emotional abuse is the very worst,
00:12:47.299 --> 00:12:49.421
and also, the hardest to heal from.
00:12:50.512 --> 00:12:52.773
But now we come to the
most damaging aspect
00:12:52.806 --> 00:12:55.490
of emotional dismissal or
emotional disapproval
00:12:55.509 --> 00:12:58.510
when it's given from
an adult to their child.
00:12:59.668 --> 00:13:02.729
When emotional disapproval
or emotional dismissal
00:13:02.782 --> 00:13:04.646
is shown to a child,
00:13:04.705 --> 00:13:08.249
the child begins to trust
the parent's estimation
00:13:08.282 --> 00:13:11.055
of whatever event has caused
them to be displeased,
00:13:11.055 --> 00:13:12.652
instead of their own.
00:13:12.652 --> 00:13:14.264
They lose faith in themselves,
00:13:14.264 --> 00:13:16.983
they lose trust in themselves,
and most of all,
00:13:16.983 --> 00:13:19.317
they believe there is something
wrong with them.
00:13:19.317 --> 00:13:21.665
When emotional dysfunction
rules the relationship
00:13:21.665 --> 00:13:23.622
the child learns that
they have no right
00:13:23.622 --> 00:13:24.820
to feel how they feel.
00:13:24.820 --> 00:13:28.124
In short, they learn that it is wrong
to feel the way that they feel.
00:13:28.124 --> 00:13:29.825
Now here's the crux:
00:13:29.825 --> 00:13:31.137
The child believes,
00:13:31.137 --> 00:13:33.399
that if it is wrong to
feel the way they feel,
00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:35.593
but that they feel that way,
00:13:35.606 --> 00:13:38.521
something is wrong
with them, specifically.
00:13:39.183 --> 00:13:41.715
If I were to choose one
single thing that is wrong
00:13:41.734 --> 00:13:43.942
with the Mental Health industry today,
00:13:43.995 --> 00:13:45.687
is that there's this popular idea
00:13:45.713 --> 00:13:47.845
that there's a way people should feel.
00:13:47.845 --> 00:13:49.603
And that if they don't feel that way
00:13:49.603 --> 00:13:51.996
that something has gone wrong.
00:13:52.192 --> 00:13:54.334
Psychiatrists' offices are full of people
00:13:54.360 --> 00:13:57.637
who were raised in an
emotionally dysfunctional home!
00:13:57.637 --> 00:13:59.298
These people grew
up to believe
00:13:59.317 --> 00:14:01.232
that there is something
wrong with them
00:14:01.232 --> 00:14:03.674
because they 'shouldn't
feel how they feel',
00:14:03.733 --> 00:14:06.139
when the actuality is
that they should feel
00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:08.315
exactly how they feel.
00:14:08.513 --> 00:14:11.005
They have perfect
and sound reason
00:14:11.283 --> 00:14:13.762
to feel exactly that way,
00:14:14.318 --> 00:14:17.002
and the idea that something
is 'wrong' with them
00:14:17.028 --> 00:14:18.761
is a fallacy.
00:14:18.794 --> 00:14:20.373
A fallacy that is the by-product
00:14:20.400 --> 00:14:24.256
of having their emotions
invalidated again and again.
00:14:24.805 --> 00:14:28.011
This is in fact, one of the
key-causes of anxiety.
00:14:28.203 --> 00:14:34.390
Anxiety is caused so often by
self-doubt and self-distrust.
00:14:34.390 --> 00:14:36.774
Distrusting yourself and
having doubt in yourself
00:14:36.774 --> 00:14:38.701
causes fear of the Self.
00:14:38.701 --> 00:14:41.359
As a result, you're trying to
find any way that you can
00:14:41.359 --> 00:14:43.230
to escape from yourself
00:14:43.230 --> 00:14:46.988
because you feel like you
shouldn't feel how you feel.
00:14:47.728 --> 00:14:50.623
I had to go into this background
story (as per usual)
00:14:50.623 --> 00:14:52.399
because without that understanding,
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:54.686
you can't understand
how you got to the place
00:14:54.686 --> 00:14:56.824
in relationships that you're in today.
00:14:57.086 --> 00:14:58.395
Long-story short,
00:14:58.395 --> 00:15:00.458
because this is the
emotional environment
00:15:00.478 --> 00:15:02.448
you were raised with
in your childhoods,
00:15:02.461 --> 00:15:03.597
you have no idea
00:15:03.604 --> 00:15:06.638
how to emotionally relate
with people as an adult.
00:15:07.472 --> 00:15:09.905
And the same rules apply.
00:15:11.300 --> 00:15:15.181
We fail to develop true
intimacy with one another
00:15:15.485 --> 00:15:18.433
so often, because we dismiss
each other's emotions.
00:15:18.473 --> 00:15:21.289
We disapprove of
each other's feelings.
00:15:21.316 --> 00:15:24.238
We tell other people
how they should feel.
00:15:24.297 --> 00:15:27.173
We have no patience with the
emotional needs of others.
00:15:27.219 --> 00:15:29.790
We see emotions and
feelings as weakness.
00:15:29.824 --> 00:15:33.983
We call people who display
emotions 'too sensitive'.
00:15:34.575 --> 00:15:36.362
For the sake of your understanding,
00:15:36.362 --> 00:15:38.008
I want to give you three examples
00:15:38.008 --> 00:15:41.094
of adult relationships that
are emotionally dysfunctional.
00:15:41.260 --> 00:15:44.441
«laughs»
00:15:44.560 --> 00:15:46.662
A woman goes to
lunch with her friend.
00:15:46.721 --> 00:15:50.146
She is disappointed because she
did not get promoted at work
00:15:50.146 --> 00:15:51.950
like she thought she would.
00:15:51.950 --> 00:15:54.706
Her friend tells her that
she is just being negative,
00:15:54.706 --> 00:15:57.114
that she needs to look
on the bright side and see
00:15:57.114 --> 00:15:59.648
that all she's doing is
creating more disappointment
00:15:59.648 --> 00:16:02.753
in her reality because she
is so negatively focused.
00:16:02.753 --> 00:16:05.219
2. A husband gets
home late from work.
00:16:05.219 --> 00:16:07.878
His wife starts crying the
minute he walks in the door.
00:16:07.878 --> 00:16:10.242
The husband sees her crying
and immediately says:
00:16:10.242 --> 00:16:12.903
"You always over-react!
I was only half an hour late. "
00:16:12.903 --> 00:16:16.107
"Maybe you're just menopausal.
In fact, you need professional help."
00:16:16.107 --> 00:16:19.075
and then withdraws to
his office to watch television.
00:16:19.213 --> 00:16:21.582
3. A man is facing divorce.
00:16:21.582 --> 00:16:23.627
He tells his friends
about what is going on
00:16:23.627 --> 00:16:25.840
and they convince him
to join them at the bar.
00:16:25.840 --> 00:16:27.721
When he shows up, none
of them acknowledge
00:16:27.721 --> 00:16:29.229
that he's, in fact, going
through a difficult time
00:16:29.229 --> 00:16:30.903
emotionally with his relationship.
00:16:30.903 --> 00:16:33.964
Instead, they encourage him to
not think about it, have a drink,
00:16:33.964 --> 00:16:37.751
watch the sports game, and
look at pretty girls at the bar.
00:16:38.016 --> 00:16:40.330
Regardless of whether it is a friendship
00:16:40.330 --> 00:16:42.230
or a romantic relationship,
00:16:42.230 --> 00:16:45.780
feelings and emotions are
the heart are the core,
00:16:45.785 --> 00:16:47.752
of that particular relationship,
00:16:47.752 --> 00:16:50.343
(if it is supposed to be
a meaningful relationship,
00:16:50.349 --> 00:16:52.470
instead of a surface-y one)
00:16:52.470 --> 00:16:56.032
Without a healthy and
deep emotional connection,
00:16:56.032 --> 00:16:59.206
and an emotional-feeling
relationship,
00:16:59.206 --> 00:17:02.041
that 'relationship' is not,
in fact, a relationship,
00:17:02.041 --> 00:17:04.525
it's a social arrangement.
00:17:04.525 --> 00:17:08.204
Intimacy is not about Sex.
00:17:08.483 --> 00:17:12.336
It is true that Sex can be
the by-product of intimacy,
00:17:12.336 --> 00:17:16.681
but intimacy is about being
seen for who you really are,
00:17:16.894 --> 00:17:19.804
and seeing someone
for who they really are.
00:17:19.804 --> 00:17:22.021
It's me being able to take the totality
00:17:22.021 --> 00:17:24.318
of the truth of who I am to you,
00:17:24.318 --> 00:17:28.240
and being received by you,
for the truth of who I am,
00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:30.866
without you needing to change me.
00:17:30.866 --> 00:17:34.494
It's you being able to bring the
truth of who you are to me,
00:17:34.494 --> 00:17:37.536
and me being able to see and
receive the truth of who you are
00:17:37.536 --> 00:17:41.745
without me trying to
change and manipulate you.
00:17:41.957 --> 00:17:43.966
It's meeting at the Heart-centre
00:17:43.966 --> 00:17:46.891
which is the birthplace for empathy.
00:17:46.891 --> 00:17:51.292
It's the birthplace for connection
and for closeness.
00:17:51.292 --> 00:17:54.017
I have said it before and
I'm going to say it again:
00:17:54.017 --> 00:17:56.626
the word Intimacy can be
broken down to
00:17:56.626 --> 00:17:59.236
'In To Me, See'.
00:17:59.236 --> 00:18:03.905
The most important part about
intimacy, is to see into one another.
00:18:03.905 --> 00:18:05.889
To see into one's truth,
00:18:05.889 --> 00:18:10.009
and one's truth is represented
in feelings and emotions.
00:18:10.009 --> 00:18:12.554
Feelings and emotions
is the absolute core
00:18:12.554 --> 00:18:14.746
of your reality and your experience,
00:18:14.755 --> 00:18:18.865
and so it's the very most
important part of intimacy.
00:18:18.999 --> 00:18:22.823
The bottom-line is:
emotions and feelings matter.
00:18:22.823 --> 00:18:25.901
We must see the importance
and value in each other's feelings.
00:18:25.901 --> 00:18:28.431
We must show respect
for each other's emotions.
00:18:28.431 --> 00:18:32.047
We must listen for the
emotions behind the words.
00:18:32.047 --> 00:18:34.982
We must open ourselves
to and offer understanding.
00:18:34.982 --> 00:18:37.359
Statements of acknowledgement
and understanding
00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:39.611
should always precede advice.
00:18:39.611 --> 00:18:41.591
If you tell someone
how they should feel
00:18:41.591 --> 00:18:44.051
you are teaching them
to distrust themselves.
00:18:44.051 --> 00:18:47.258
You are teaching them that there
is something wrong with them.
00:18:47.261 --> 00:18:50.012
It is the way that we deal
with our negative emotions
00:18:50.012 --> 00:18:54.566
that dictates how healthy or
unhealthy our relationships may be.
00:18:54.972 --> 00:18:56.208
For most of us,
00:18:56.208 --> 00:18:58.495
the way we're dealing with
our positive emotions
00:18:58.495 --> 00:18:59.899
are already working for us.
00:18:59.899 --> 00:19:03.192
It's the negative emotions we
have the most resistance to.
00:19:03.192 --> 00:19:04.393
For that reason,
00:19:04.393 --> 00:19:07.365
I'm gonna outline for you
some concrete steps
00:19:07.365 --> 00:19:08.868
which can help us
00:19:08.868 --> 00:19:11.665
when relating to other
people's negative emotions.
00:19:11.665 --> 00:19:14.996
Now, this goes for both
children and adults.
00:19:15.012 --> 00:19:18.787
And it's solid gold when
it comes to relationships!
00:19:18.787 --> 00:19:24.306
No.1: To become aware of
the other person's emotion.
00:19:25.511 --> 00:19:29.473
No.2: To care about the
other person's emotion
00:19:29.473 --> 00:19:33.542
by seeing it as valid and important.
00:19:34.325 --> 00:19:40.283
No.3: To listen, empathetically,
to the other person's emotion
00:19:40.343 --> 00:19:43.921
in an attempt to understand
the way they feel.
00:19:43.921 --> 00:19:46.342
This allows them to feel
safe to be vulnerable
00:19:46.342 --> 00:19:48.457
without fear of judgment.
00:19:48.977 --> 00:19:53.303
i.e. seek to understand,
instead of to agree.
00:19:54.339 --> 00:19:59.027
No.4: To acknowledge and
validate their feelings.
00:19:59.502 --> 00:20:01.914
This may include helping
them to find words
00:20:01.934 --> 00:20:04.032
to label their emotion.
00:20:04.032 --> 00:20:06.618
To acknowledge and
validate a person's feelings
00:20:06.618 --> 00:20:08.842
we do not need to validate
00:20:08.842 --> 00:20:12.388
that the thoughts that they have
about their emotions are correct.
00:20:12.388 --> 00:20:14.619
Instead, we need to let them know
00:20:14.619 --> 00:20:18.999
that it is a valid thing to
feel the way that they feel.
00:20:19.239 --> 00:20:20.381
For example:
00:20:20.381 --> 00:20:23.202
If our friend says "I feel useless",
00:20:23.202 --> 00:20:25.808
we do not validate them by saying:
00:20:25.808 --> 00:20:29.310
"You know, you're right!
You are useless ..."
00:20:29.310 --> 00:20:31.385
Instead, we could validate
them by saying:
00:20:31.385 --> 00:20:34.574
"I can totally see how that
would make you feel useless, "
00:20:34.574 --> 00:20:37.830
"and I would feel the
same way if I were you."
00:20:37.830 --> 00:20:42.169
No.5: To allow the person
to feel how they feel
00:20:42.169 --> 00:20:44.643
and to experience their emotion fully
00:20:44.649 --> 00:20:47.532
before moving towards
any kind of improvement
00:20:47.532 --> 00:20:49.743
in the way that they feel.
00:20:50.771 --> 00:20:52.644
We need to give them
the permission
00:20:52.644 --> 00:20:55.753
to decide when they are ready
to move up the vibrational scale
00:20:55.753 --> 00:20:57.876
and into a different emotion.
00:20:57.876 --> 00:21:01.587
We cannot impose our idea
of when they should be ready
00:21:01.587 --> 00:21:03.988
or when they should
be able to feel different,
00:21:03.988 --> 00:21:05.445
onto them.
00:21:05.445 --> 00:21:07.354
This is the step where we practice
00:21:07.354 --> 00:21:10.840
Unconditional Presence for
someone, and Unconditional Love.
00:21:10.840 --> 00:21:14.390
We are there as support
without trying to 'fix' them.
00:21:14.394 --> 00:21:16.900
Do not be offended if they
don't accept your support
00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:18.087
at this time.
00:21:18.087 --> 00:21:21.361
There is a benevolent power
inherent in offering.
00:21:21.481 --> 00:21:23.357
That is Love, in and of itself,
00:21:23.357 --> 00:21:27.322
regardless of what someone
does or doesn't do with it.
00:21:27.322 --> 00:21:30.384
No.6: After, and only after,
00:21:30.384 --> 00:21:33.051
their feelings have been
validated and acknowledged
00:21:33.051 --> 00:21:34.745
and fully felt,
00:21:34.745 --> 00:21:37.036
help the other person
to strategize ways
00:21:37.036 --> 00:21:39.118
to manage the reactions
00:21:39.118 --> 00:21:41.099
they might be having to their emotion.
00:21:41.099 --> 00:21:44.681
This is the step where you can assert
new ways of looking at the situation
00:21:44.681 --> 00:21:47.601
that may improve the way
the other person is feeling.
00:21:47.700 --> 00:21:50.252
This is where advice can be offered.
00:21:51.052 --> 00:21:53.498
Now we come to one of
the most important steps
00:21:53.516 --> 00:21:56.685
when it comes to emotional
health within relationships.
00:21:57.591 --> 00:22:00.110
You are in a relationship
with yourself.
00:22:00.460 --> 00:22:04.275
That means you have to
validate your own emotions.
00:22:04.275 --> 00:22:06.442
You have to stop
dismissing your emotions
00:22:06.442 --> 00:22:08.758
you have to stop
disapproving of your emotions,
00:22:08.758 --> 00:22:10.946
you have to stop expecting yourself
00:22:10.946 --> 00:22:14.357
to feel differently
than you actually feel.
00:22:14.357 --> 00:22:16.700
In order to have emotional health,
00:22:16.700 --> 00:22:20.323
you have to apply the 6
previous steps I've just outlined,
00:22:20.386 --> 00:22:22.488
to yourself, first.
00:22:23.360 --> 00:22:25.992
Aside from the way that you
manage negative emotions,
00:22:26.025 --> 00:22:28.927
here are some steps which
can help you to create
00:22:28.947 --> 00:22:31.981
a healthy emotional environment
within your relationships.
00:22:32.312 --> 00:22:36.338
No.1: Express your love
to the other person.
00:22:36.993 --> 00:22:40.333
You can express your love by
reaching out to touch them.
00:22:40.710 --> 00:22:44.108
Many people are touch-starved
inside this modern world
00:22:44.122 --> 00:22:45.134
that we're living in,
00:22:45.160 --> 00:22:47.693
because there's so much
separation between us.
00:22:49.016 --> 00:22:51.598
You could express your
love through a gift.
00:22:51.942 --> 00:22:53.852
By giving a gift to someone,
00:22:54.242 --> 00:22:57.204
they are understanding that you
care enough about them
00:22:57.230 --> 00:22:58.571
to think about them,
00:22:58.758 --> 00:23:01.476
and then procure something for them,
00:23:01.476 --> 00:23:03.871
and then, give that something to them.
00:23:03.871 --> 00:23:06.386
You could choose to show
your love to someone
00:23:06.413 --> 00:23:09.019
by spending quality time with them.
00:23:09.059 --> 00:23:11.425
Where your focus is undivided,
00:23:11.603 --> 00:23:12.979
and you're looking at them,
00:23:13.006 --> 00:23:14.243
trying to understand them,
00:23:14.262 --> 00:23:16.123
trying to connect with them.
00:23:17.391 --> 00:23:19.546
You can show your love to someone
00:23:19.916 --> 00:23:22.145
by serving someone:
00:23:22.297 --> 00:23:24.610
Offering to help them
with the dishes ...
00:23:24.769 --> 00:23:27.911
Offering them to help them
with a project or moving ...
00:23:29.160 --> 00:23:33.091
You can help someone by
showing them appreciation
00:23:33.151 --> 00:23:35.901
or giving them some
form of affirmation -
00:23:36.185 --> 00:23:37.786
giving them a compliment.
00:23:38.884 --> 00:23:43.109
There are many ways that you
can show love to someone.
00:23:43.552 --> 00:23:46.712
One of the main reasons why
we have emotional deprivation
00:23:46.732 --> 00:23:48.134
in our childhood experience
00:23:48.154 --> 00:23:50.085
and, in our current relationships,
00:23:50.217 --> 00:23:53.291
is that we are restrictive
when it comes to our love,
00:23:53.318 --> 00:23:54.853
we're stingy with our love,
00:23:54.897 --> 00:23:58.460
we don't overtly demonstrate it
and give it to other people.
00:23:58.646 --> 00:24:01.212
By being demonstrative in our love
00:24:01.252 --> 00:24:03.532
and by offering our love
00:24:03.532 --> 00:24:04.932
to other people
00:24:04.932 --> 00:24:07.080
we enable them to feel emotionally
00:24:07.080 --> 00:24:09.038
safe and loved and valued by us.
00:24:09.038 --> 00:24:12.113
But, make sure that when you
go to express your love to someone,
00:24:12.113 --> 00:24:13.950
you're doing it for
the right reasons,
00:24:13.950 --> 00:24:16.516
not because you're wanting
something from them.
00:24:16.516 --> 00:24:18.622
No.2: Never ignore their presence.
00:24:18.622 --> 00:24:21.483
There are very few things that
are more emotionally hurtful
00:24:21.483 --> 00:24:23.473
than being treated
like you don't exist.
00:24:23.473 --> 00:24:25.381
Even if you're angry
at the moment,
00:24:25.381 --> 00:24:27.324
it's no reason to give
the cold-shoulder
00:24:27.324 --> 00:24:29.481
to the person who loves you.
00:24:29.481 --> 00:24:32.993
No.3: This tip goes hand-in-hand
with the last one.
00:24:33.132 --> 00:24:35.644
Do not physically or emotionally
withdraw from them,
00:24:35.697 --> 00:24:37.939
especially during a conflict.
00:24:38.224 --> 00:24:40.564
People who are afraid of
intimacy and connection
00:24:40.597 --> 00:24:43.573
and thus, vulnerability, tend
to cope with those feelings
00:24:43.573 --> 00:24:46.139
by becoming an island unto themselves.
00:24:46.139 --> 00:24:49.556
They become emotionally unavailable
and disconnect from the other person
00:24:49.556 --> 00:24:51.105
as a defense.
00:24:51.105 --> 00:24:55.185
To withdraw in a relationship is
to commit emotional-divorce.
00:24:55.615 --> 00:24:57.977
and the number one
symptom of withdrawal
00:24:58.009 --> 00:25:00.197
is the lack of communication.
00:25:00.521 --> 00:25:03.100
That being said, we are
led to our next Tip.
00:25:04.066 --> 00:25:09.157
Tip No.4: Communicate,
Communicate & Communicate!
00:25:10.017 --> 00:25:12.509
When we have committed
to a relationship,
00:25:13.111 --> 00:25:16.053
we have committed
to communication.
00:25:16.053 --> 00:25:17.583
And you are communicating
00:25:17.583 --> 00:25:19.659
whether you're doing
it verbally or not,
00:25:19.662 --> 00:25:21.484
because the majority
of communication
00:25:21.500 --> 00:25:24.171
is taking place through
your body language.
00:25:24.567 --> 00:25:27.119
Communication is a
huge part of connection.
00:25:28.118 --> 00:25:29.730
Do not suppress your emotions
00:25:29.750 --> 00:25:33.500
and try to avoid, deny, dismiss
or numb them away
00:25:33.500 --> 00:25:35.026
through distraction.
00:25:35.026 --> 00:25:37.929
We need to be willing to
acknowledge our own emotion
00:25:37.929 --> 00:25:41.223
and communicate it in
healthy ways to our partner.
00:25:41.223 --> 00:25:43.503
When we are confused
about how to do this,
00:25:43.503 --> 00:25:46.463
a helpful tip is to take the
thoughts we're having
00:25:46.490 --> 00:25:48.997
and imagine bringing them
down to our Heart-space
00:25:49.029 --> 00:25:50.822
and then speaking from there.
00:25:51.153 --> 00:25:53.619
This technique is called
'Speaking From The Heart'.
00:25:54.088 --> 00:25:57.546
When we do this, we tend to
be more willingly vulnerable
00:25:57.584 --> 00:25:59.119
and thus, more Authentic,
00:25:59.139 --> 00:26:00.665
and less defensive and attacking
00:26:00.692 --> 00:26:02.451
in our communication-style.
00:26:04.045 --> 00:26:06.286
Put your feelings into words.
00:26:06.459 --> 00:26:08.953
There is almost nothing
worse for a relationship
00:26:08.953 --> 00:26:12.225
than remaining silent
about how you are feeling.
00:26:12.225 --> 00:26:14.597
Not communicating how you're feeling
00:26:14.597 --> 00:26:17.221
creates a canyon between
you and your partner.
00:26:17.226 --> 00:26:19.955
They can feel when you
are emotionally upset.
00:26:19.955 --> 00:26:23.590
If you are not talking or if you
are denying the way you feel,
00:26:23.590 --> 00:26:26.050
when they can feel that
you're emotionally upset,
00:26:26.050 --> 00:26:30.008
it makes the other person
feel crazy and confused.
00:26:30.008 --> 00:26:32.568
We need to be willing to
acknowledge our emotions
00:26:32.568 --> 00:26:35.020
and communicate that to our partner,
00:26:35.020 --> 00:26:36.520
in healthy ways.
00:26:36.520 --> 00:26:38.843
If we're confused about how to do this,
00:26:38.843 --> 00:26:41.861
we can take what we're
feeling and our emotions
00:26:41.861 --> 00:26:44.285
(what we're thinking about those things)
00:26:44.285 --> 00:26:48.309
and we can imagine putting
them down to our heart space
00:26:48.309 --> 00:26:50.276
and then speaking
them from there.
00:26:50.276 --> 00:26:52.989
This practice is called
'Speaking From The Heart'
00:26:52.989 --> 00:26:55.777
and it can be really valuable
when it comes to creating
00:26:55.777 --> 00:27:00.053
a healthy emotional environment
within any kind of relationship.
00:27:00.224 --> 00:27:04.185
#5: If you make promises, follow through.
00:27:04.185 --> 00:27:07.119
If you say you're gonna
do something, do it.
00:27:07.133 --> 00:27:09.968
You have to make
good on your word.
00:27:09.968 --> 00:27:14.595
Doing other than this systematically
destroys trust in a relationship.
00:27:14.595 --> 00:27:17.710
And the thing about emotional
health and relationships
00:27:17.710 --> 00:27:21.020
is that trust is a big part of that.
00:27:21.313 --> 00:27:25.754
Admit to mistakes and commit
to changing the behavior.
00:27:25.754 --> 00:27:27.827
Apologizing again and again,
00:27:27.827 --> 00:27:29.797
without really changing the behavior,
00:27:29.797 --> 00:27:32.137
sends the message that
you don't actually care
00:27:32.137 --> 00:27:34.077
about how another person feels
00:27:34.077 --> 00:27:36.688
as much as you care about
getting them off your back
00:27:36.688 --> 00:27:38.326
... temporarily ...
00:27:38.393 --> 00:27:42.859
This also, systematically destroys
trust within the relationship.
00:27:42.859 --> 00:27:45.929
We have to actually take steps,
if we care about somebody
00:27:45.944 --> 00:27:49.252
to not only apologize, but to
make the changes necessary
00:27:49.252 --> 00:27:50.940
so that that same mistake
00:27:50.940 --> 00:27:54.539
or that same painful thing we
did to them, doesn't occur again.
00:27:54.539 --> 00:27:55.807
That being said,
00:27:55.807 --> 00:27:58.341
an apology can go a very long way
00:27:58.341 --> 00:28:01.041
to create emotional
health in a relationship.
00:28:01.041 --> 00:28:05.255
Tip No.7: Get a handle on your priorities.
00:28:05.255 --> 00:28:07.338
You have to know your priorities
00:28:07.338 --> 00:28:10.399
in order to develop a healthy
emotional relationship.
00:28:10.399 --> 00:28:12.956
If you want a relationship
to feel good emotionally,
00:28:12.956 --> 00:28:15.915
you're going to have to value
it enough to prioritize it.
00:28:15.915 --> 00:28:19.607
There is no such thing as a
right priority or a wrong priority.
00:28:19.607 --> 00:28:22.097
But if your work or hobbies
are a higher priority
00:28:22.116 --> 00:28:23.624
than your relationships,
00:28:23.624 --> 00:28:25.731
chances are, your
relationships will suffer
00:28:25.731 --> 00:28:27.836
because, if you have to
choose between them,
00:28:27.836 --> 00:28:30.265
you'll choose your
work or your hobbies.
00:28:30.265 --> 00:28:33.421
This will make the other person
feel unloved and insignificant.
00:28:33.421 --> 00:28:35.283
It will also make the
other person feel
00:28:35.283 --> 00:28:38.462
like it is unsafe to connect
emotionally with you.
00:28:38.462 --> 00:28:40.560
When you are facing
a conflict of interest
00:28:40.560 --> 00:28:42.335
between one thing
and another thing,
00:28:42.335 --> 00:28:44.341
you need to be able
to consciously decide
00:28:44.341 --> 00:28:45.981
where your priority is.
00:28:45.981 --> 00:28:47.933
In the healthiest relationships,
00:28:47.933 --> 00:28:50.833
the health of the relationship
and the way your partner feels
00:28:50.833 --> 00:28:53.696
is the number one priority.
00:28:53.696 --> 00:28:57.152
Tip No.8: Encourage them!
00:28:57.152 --> 00:29:00.290
Encouraging people makes them
feel like they're not alone.
00:29:00.290 --> 00:29:04.530
It's no longer the World-against-Them,
they have a team-mate.
00:29:04.530 --> 00:29:07.541
Encouragement allows us to know
we have emotional support.
00:29:07.541 --> 00:29:10.660
It is the opposite of criticism
and discouragement.
00:29:10.660 --> 00:29:13.902
It builds a person up
instead of tears them down.
00:29:13.909 --> 00:29:16.657
This also allows people
to be emotionally 'safe'
00:29:16.657 --> 00:29:20.026
to share their dreams
and desires with us.
00:29:20.026 --> 00:29:25.133
#9: Express your wants, needs
and expectations, clearly,
00:29:25.133 --> 00:29:27.043
in a relationship.
00:29:27.126 --> 00:29:29.439
This is about healthy boundaries.
00:29:29.439 --> 00:29:31.493
In order to understand
healthy boundaries,
00:29:31.493 --> 00:29:35.143
feel free to look up my
YouTube video titled:
00:29:35.143 --> 00:29:40.094
Boundaries vs. Oneness
(How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)
00:29:40.094 --> 00:29:42.468
It is not fair to keep the
other person guessing
00:29:42.468 --> 00:29:44.315
about what you want and need.
00:29:44.315 --> 00:29:46.828
It is also not fair to expect
them to read your mind
00:29:46.828 --> 00:29:49.348
by expecting things of them
that they are unaware of
00:29:49.348 --> 00:29:50.703
and have not agreed to.
00:29:50.705 --> 00:29:53.128
It is also important to
take time to understand
00:29:53.128 --> 00:29:56.876
the other person's wants,
needs and expectations.
00:29:56.996 --> 00:29:58.850
Ask for what you want and need
00:29:58.850 --> 00:30:01.034
and encourage them to do the same.
00:30:01.037 --> 00:30:02.930
And assuming that their
wants and needs
00:30:02.930 --> 00:30:04.884
don't conflict with your
wants and needs,
00:30:04.884 --> 00:30:07.477
meet those needs and wants.
00:30:07.477 --> 00:30:11.043
Tip No.10: Laugh and play together.
00:30:11.137 --> 00:30:14.512
This is something which
most modern relationships
00:30:14.512 --> 00:30:16.675
don't prioritize enough.
00:30:16.861 --> 00:30:20.744
Fun and laughter and play
have the capacity to bond us
00:30:20.764 --> 00:30:24.285
in the same way that
experiencing intense struggle,
00:30:24.285 --> 00:30:26.538
with a person, does.
00:30:26.538 --> 00:30:28.755
It can also be a powerful aphrodisiac
00:30:28.755 --> 00:30:31.630
for those of you that
are in relationships.
00:30:31.630 --> 00:30:33.583
Prioritize doing things together
00:30:33.583 --> 00:30:35.791
that feel good and are exciting.
00:30:35.791 --> 00:30:37.852
It also ensures that
conflict and struggle
00:30:37.873 --> 00:30:40.705
is not the undertone of the relationship.
00:30:40.709 --> 00:30:44.293
Tip No.11: Become an
expert on the people
00:30:44.293 --> 00:30:46.542
that you're in a relationship with.
00:30:46.542 --> 00:30:49.419
Learn everything that
you can about them,
00:30:49.419 --> 00:30:52.313
provided that you're
doing that for a good reason.
00:30:52.313 --> 00:30:54.817
It's the heart of intimacy.
00:30:54.817 --> 00:30:57.017
The more you know about
a person's wants,
00:30:57.021 --> 00:31:00.289
a person's needs,
a person's feelings,
00:31:00.560 --> 00:31:03.837
the closer your relationship
with them can become.
00:31:03.837 --> 00:31:06.108
Becoming an expert on another person
00:31:06.108 --> 00:31:07.989
will help you to make
the right choices
00:31:08.009 --> 00:31:10.151
about how to interact
with that person,
00:31:10.151 --> 00:31:12.786
so that the emotional environment
of the relationship
00:31:12.786 --> 00:31:15.278
is healthy and supportive.
00:31:15.507 --> 00:31:17.528
It also helps us to be experts
00:31:17.548 --> 00:31:20.746
at loving them in the way
they feel the most loved.
00:31:20.746 --> 00:31:24.658
Like all things, we need to
apply these tips to ourselves.
00:31:24.829 --> 00:31:28.612
The one relationship you can't
end (except for/through death),
00:31:28.612 --> 00:31:32.236
is the relationship between
you and yourself.
00:31:32.236 --> 00:31:34.375
That means you have to
know what you want,
00:31:34.375 --> 00:31:36.217
you have to know what you need,
00:31:36.217 --> 00:31:38.196
you have to know your expectations,
00:31:38.196 --> 00:31:42.436
you have to validate your
feelings, admit to them,
00:31:42.447 --> 00:31:44.343
no longer dismiss them,
00:31:44.343 --> 00:31:46.508
no longer disapprove of them.
00:31:46.508 --> 00:31:48.127
That's the way to develop
00:31:48.127 --> 00:31:50.517
a healthy emotional
relationship with yourself.
00:31:50.517 --> 00:31:54.657
Which is the heart of the relationship
between you and yourself.
00:31:54.657 --> 00:31:58.505
Never be ashamed of how you feel.
00:31:58.505 --> 00:32:00.661
The way you feel is valid.
00:32:00.661 --> 00:32:04.245
If you're having an emotion,
there is always a good reason
00:32:04.245 --> 00:32:06.332
why you are having that emotion,
00:32:06.332 --> 00:32:10.029
so don't let anyone tell you how
you should or should not feel.
00:32:10.029 --> 00:32:13.991
You deserve to have a relationship
where feelings matter.
00:32:13.997 --> 00:32:17.109
And the best way to
get into that relationship
00:32:17.109 --> 00:32:21.158
is to decide that your
emotions matter, to you.
00:32:21.467 --> 00:32:23.510
Have a good week.
00:33:07.031 --> 00:33:11.461
Subtitles by: David Soh & Tanya Duarte