WEBVTT

00:00:11.363 --> 00:00:13.624
"Wow, you're really tall.

00:00:14.254 --> 00:00:15.824
How tall are you?

00:00:16.534 --> 00:00:18.504
Do you play basketball?"

00:00:19.294 --> 00:00:21.824
"You played in the NBA with Lebron James?

00:00:22.184 --> 00:00:23.964
What was that like?"

00:00:25.804 --> 00:00:28.525
It was fun; we got along well.

00:00:28.525 --> 00:00:29.935
(Laughter)

00:00:29.935 --> 00:00:31.915
Lebron, the inner city kid from Ohio,

00:00:31.915 --> 00:00:35.225
and me, the deaf
polygamist kid from Montana.

00:00:35.356 --> 00:00:37.895
(Laughter)

00:00:39.245 --> 00:00:40.195
Poof!

00:00:40.195 --> 00:00:42.025
"What?!

00:00:42.025 --> 00:00:44.805
You grew up in polygamy?
What was that like?

00:00:44.805 --> 00:00:46.765
I don't get it.
Why would people do that?

00:00:46.765 --> 00:00:50.345
Why would they stay?
I could never be a second or third wife."

00:00:51.995 --> 00:00:54.206
Not that complicated really.

00:00:54.206 --> 00:00:55.605
It's what they know.

00:00:55.975 --> 00:00:57.735
It's the world they grew up in.

00:00:58.355 --> 00:01:00.866
They know what the boundaries
and the rules are.

00:01:01.266 --> 00:01:03.956
And they're told to stay
inside those boundaries,

00:01:03.956 --> 00:01:05.766
the physical boundaries of the commune

00:01:05.766 --> 00:01:08.477
and furthermore the mental
and emotional boundaries.

00:01:08.787 --> 00:01:11.826
Stay inside those boundaries
and you will always be safe.

00:01:12.636 --> 00:01:14.179
Safe from pain.

00:01:15.179 --> 00:01:17.846
Most people will choose a familiar hell

00:01:17.846 --> 00:01:20.077
over an unfamiliar heaven.

00:01:21.277 --> 00:01:23.202
So, now I ask you,

00:01:23.772 --> 00:01:25.767
what is your polygamy?

00:01:27.677 --> 00:01:31.056
What are the thought patterns
you have inherited from your childhood?

00:01:31.056 --> 00:01:33.577
From your parents,
your grandparents, your community,

00:01:33.577 --> 00:01:36.857
that you've taken with you
into your adult life.

00:01:37.907 --> 00:01:41.377
What are the stories
and perceived truths that still linger,

00:01:41.657 --> 00:01:44.919
and that may be sabotaging
your adult experience?

00:01:45.429 --> 00:01:48.567
What are the boundaries
and comfort zones you have settled in?

00:01:48.847 --> 00:01:51.057
Never daring to take risk.

00:01:52.557 --> 00:01:55.998
Physically escaping from polygamy
at the age of 13, for me,

00:01:55.998 --> 00:01:57.829
was the easy part.

00:01:58.429 --> 00:02:00.609
Mentally and emotionally escaping?

00:02:01.259 --> 00:02:03.668
Far different story.

00:02:04.418 --> 00:02:06.428
My grandfather was Rulon Allred,

00:02:06.428 --> 00:02:09.988
the prophet and founder
of the Apostolic United Brethren.

00:02:10.418 --> 00:02:11.510
I never knew him,

00:02:11.510 --> 00:02:14.099
as he was assassinated
four years before I was born,

00:02:14.099 --> 00:02:16.420
by the wife of a rival polygamous leader.

00:02:16.860 --> 00:02:19.310
But I was raised in his Utopian dream,

00:02:19.610 --> 00:02:21.171
at Pinesdale, Montana.

00:02:22.471 --> 00:02:25.861
My childhood was a world
of wonder and mysticism,

00:02:25.861 --> 00:02:29.061
solidified by black and white absolutes.

00:02:29.871 --> 00:02:32.631
Absolutes that said that we were special;

00:02:32.631 --> 00:02:35.321
that we were God's chosen people;

00:02:36.911 --> 00:02:39.671
that we hade the one True Church,

00:02:39.671 --> 00:02:41.151
with a capital "T."

00:02:42.621 --> 00:02:46.361
And that my grandfather
was up in heaven, waiting for me.

00:02:47.261 --> 00:02:50.962
The nature and appeal of absolutes
is that they provide certainty

00:02:50.962 --> 00:02:52.632
in an uncertain world.

00:02:53.142 --> 00:02:58.192
And most people will do anything,
anything they can, to protect that.

00:02:58.922 --> 00:03:01.002
(Video) Interviewer:
Could you become a God?

00:03:01.002 --> 00:03:02.112
Vance Allred: Yes.

00:03:02.712 --> 00:03:04.917
Interviewer: How far
would you be willing to go

00:03:04.917 --> 00:03:06.703
to defend the principle of polygamy?

00:03:06.703 --> 00:03:09.556
VA: I was raised for it,
I was born for it, reared for it,

00:03:09.556 --> 00:03:10.896
trained for it, all my life.

00:03:10.896 --> 00:03:12.559
Interviewer: Would you die for it?

00:03:12.697 --> 00:03:15.842
Rulon Allred: We are trying to keep
all the commandments of God.

00:03:15.842 --> 00:03:17.686
Presentator:
Early today, Rulon Allred,

00:03:17.686 --> 00:03:20.213
fundamentalist leader
of the Apostolic United Brethen,

00:03:20.213 --> 00:03:23.391
was found shot dead in his medical office.

00:03:23.391 --> 00:03:26.883
Witnesses noticed two unidentified
females leaving the scene.

00:03:29.273 --> 00:03:31.498
Lance Allred: So again, I ask you,

00:03:31.928 --> 00:03:33.668
what is your polygamy?

00:03:34.948 --> 00:03:37.855
What are the black and white absolutes
that you hold on to?

00:03:38.695 --> 00:03:41.344
That allow you to believe
that you have the truth,

00:03:42.084 --> 00:03:43.675
that you are right.

00:03:44.925 --> 00:03:48.844
And what relationships
would you sabotage or endure

00:03:49.494 --> 00:03:51.334
to hold on to that story.

00:03:53.074 --> 00:03:55.415
Maybe you are an expert mental gymnast,

00:03:55.415 --> 00:03:57.105
like myself.

00:03:59.185 --> 00:04:02.976
You had to be, growing up
in that world of pesky absolutes:

00:04:03.306 --> 00:04:06.315
on one hand, you are so special;

00:04:06.955 --> 00:04:10.196
yet, on the other,
you're not quite worthy -

00:04:10.676 --> 00:04:12.656
you could do better.

00:04:13.442 --> 00:04:15.962
(Laughter)

00:04:18.336 --> 00:04:21.838
You are loved, unconditionally,
without question -

00:04:22.168 --> 00:04:25.564
on the condition you do
everything the prophet says.

00:04:25.944 --> 00:04:29.777
And when you speak of the prophet,
you speak very softly, like this.

00:04:32.147 --> 00:04:34.668
You are told that lying is a sin.

00:04:34.998 --> 00:04:38.429
Yet, if anyone asks you
if your dad is a polygamist,

00:04:38.429 --> 00:04:40.109
you have to lie.

00:04:41.479 --> 00:04:44.088
What are the mental gymnastics you pull

00:04:44.088 --> 00:04:46.298
to stay within your paradigm?

00:04:47.708 --> 00:04:49.818
To avoid cutting your losses.

00:04:52.138 --> 00:04:54.538
Would you like to see
a polygamist wedding?

00:04:54.838 --> 00:04:56.609
Jazz hands!

00:04:57.469 --> 00:04:59.319
This is my mother at the age of 16,

00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:01.970
being placed in an arranged
marriage with my father.

00:05:03.190 --> 00:05:07.515
Now, note: these are not bridesmaids,

00:05:07.515 --> 00:05:10.100
these are my mom's sistermoms,
and those are my dad's -

00:05:10.100 --> 00:05:12.550
one, two, three, four, five, six...

00:05:12.550 --> 00:05:16.460
There is just a lot of women in that room.

00:05:17.050 --> 00:05:20.151
Throughout my basketball career,
I've had team mates come up to me

00:05:20.151 --> 00:05:24.330
and say, "Hey yo, dawg!
This new club be hoppin'.

00:05:24.330 --> 00:05:26.471
There's like a three girls
to one guy ratio,

00:05:26.471 --> 00:05:27.781
we gotta go check it."

00:05:28.741 --> 00:05:30.810
And I'm like, "I'm good."

00:05:30.810 --> 00:05:33.330
(Laughter)

00:05:40.160 --> 00:05:42.831
As a boy, growing up in polygamy,
you saw men in power,

00:05:42.831 --> 00:05:45.450
the prophets, with multiple wives,

00:05:45.450 --> 00:05:49.961
and so you began telling yourself a story
that a woman is how God validates you.

00:05:50.451 --> 00:05:53.840
More wives equals more worthy,
equals more power, equals more blessings,

00:05:53.840 --> 00:05:56.201
equals more wives, and so on, and so on.

00:05:56.731 --> 00:05:59.430
And you're also told that woman
don't need the priesthood

00:05:59.430 --> 00:06:01.841
because they're already so spiritual.

00:06:02.361 --> 00:06:05.881
So, as a boy, I began
putting woman on pedestals

00:06:06.371 --> 00:06:09.141
believing that they were
inherently better than me.

00:06:09.431 --> 00:06:11.940
That they somehow had X-ray vision,

00:06:11.940 --> 00:06:15.541
and could see right through me,
and determine if I was worthy or not.

00:06:16.331 --> 00:06:20.461
A dialogue went like this one day
with my cousin, when I was 12 years old:

00:06:21.031 --> 00:06:22.452
Steven Don -

00:06:23.062 --> 00:06:25.441
and it's proper etiquette
to use middle names

00:06:25.441 --> 00:06:29.041
when you have 400 first cousins
running around the wilderness like smurfs.

00:06:29.041 --> 00:06:31.962
(Laughter)

00:06:37.342 --> 00:06:41.612
Steven Don, I think I like Lisa.
Do you think she might like me back?

00:06:42.422 --> 00:06:46.033
"No, I already claimed her.
I called dibs."

00:06:47.953 --> 00:06:51.595
But, you called dibs on Sarah, last week.

00:06:53.495 --> 00:06:56.472
"Yeah, so? We're polygamists."

00:06:56.932 --> 00:06:57.872
Oh.

00:06:58.392 --> 00:07:01.183
Can you imagine how competitive
that world might be?

00:07:01.183 --> 00:07:02.352
Polygamy?

00:07:02.942 --> 00:07:05.512
Once a girl began to mature,
not only did you like her,

00:07:05.512 --> 00:07:07.652
but your brothers,
your cousins, your uncles -

00:07:07.652 --> 00:07:11.864
Heck! Even your dad,
theoretically, is your competition.

00:07:13.144 --> 00:07:15.605
And you're all playing for keeps.

00:07:15.605 --> 00:07:18.943
Because the founders
of the Mormon faith did declare,

00:07:19.603 --> 00:07:21.583
you need at least two wives

00:07:22.043 --> 00:07:24.744
to get to the highest degree
of glory in heaven.

00:07:26.964 --> 00:07:29.590
My fear and anxiety around girls
is only exacerbated

00:07:29.600 --> 00:07:31.874
by how difficult
it was for me to hear them,

00:07:31.874 --> 00:07:34.324
as they speak on a higher register,

00:07:34.324 --> 00:07:37.203
and I was also very self conscious
about how I talked.

00:07:37.473 --> 00:07:39.564
And I know you don't really hear it now,

00:07:39.564 --> 00:07:42.334
but I was in speech therapy
till I was 15 years old.

00:07:42.984 --> 00:07:46.444
I'm going to show you a video,
of me speaking at the age of 11.

00:07:47.024 --> 00:07:50.704
Mind you, I've been in speech therapy
for nine years up to this point.

00:07:50.704 --> 00:07:54.944
(Video) LA: Yeah, I was goalie
for my soccer team,

00:07:55.344 --> 00:07:57.914
now [inaudible] in basketball and stuff,

00:07:57.914 --> 00:08:01.478
and I got a [inaudible] right here -

00:08:01.478 --> 00:08:06.995
I open up my present,
and that [inaudible] Nintendo game -

00:08:08.935 --> 00:08:11.944
[inaudible] about nothing."

00:08:14.584 --> 00:08:17.784
(On stage) LA: I've watched
this video over 300 times,

00:08:17.784 --> 00:08:20.785
and I still have no idea
what the hell I was saying.

00:08:20.785 --> 00:08:23.565
(Laughter)

00:08:27.595 --> 00:08:31.745
The greatest challenge of a disability
is not the actual disability itself.

00:08:32.495 --> 00:08:34.225
But rather the perceived limitations

00:08:34.225 --> 00:08:36.576
that everyone around you,
and eventually yourself,

00:08:36.576 --> 00:08:38.367
begin to believe are true.

00:08:39.297 --> 00:08:41.688
Maybe that is your polygamy.

00:08:43.148 --> 00:08:44.697
Or like me,

00:08:44.697 --> 00:08:46.947
it was impressed upon you
as a five-year-old boy

00:08:46.947 --> 00:08:48.757
by your Sunday school teacher,

00:08:48.757 --> 00:08:52.117
that God has made you deaf
as a form of punishment.

00:08:52.857 --> 00:08:56.148
That you have done
something wrong in a pre-life.

00:08:57.508 --> 00:09:00.394
And so, for as long
as you can remember, really,

00:09:00.954 --> 00:09:04.187
you always believed
you had to earn God's love.

00:09:05.577 --> 00:09:10.468
Well, after I escaped polygamy for years,
I believed, deep down, somewhere in here,

00:09:11.708 --> 00:09:15.018
that I had to be the first
deaf player in NBA history,

00:09:15.018 --> 00:09:17.708
and then God would be proud of me.

00:09:18.918 --> 00:09:21.217
Then I'll be worthy of His love.

00:09:22.297 --> 00:09:25.778
But not only His love,
but the love of a woman as well.

00:09:28.028 --> 00:09:30.488
This was my polygamy.

00:09:31.348 --> 00:09:33.368
For years, all throughout my 20s,

00:09:33.368 --> 00:09:36.258
I avoided relationships, sabotaged them,

00:09:36.958 --> 00:09:39.978
and my first real relationship
occurred when I turned 30,

00:09:40.558 --> 00:09:43.008
and that one turned into a marriage.

00:09:43.628 --> 00:09:46.718
And can you imagine
the baggage I brought into it?

00:09:49.628 --> 00:09:51.979
But I choose clarity now.

00:09:52.689 --> 00:09:56.538
I choose to shine a light
on the mental prison that is my polygamy.

00:09:57.638 --> 00:09:58.948
If I do not,

00:09:59.808 --> 00:10:02.967
then I will have lost
my marriage for nothing.

00:10:11.487 --> 00:10:13.218
I choose clarity.

00:10:14.208 --> 00:10:18.514
I choose to empower myself
with the accountability of choice.

00:10:19.964 --> 00:10:24.519
We spend our lives giving away
our power by how we speak.

00:10:25.149 --> 00:10:27.309
"I have to go pick up
my kids from school."

00:10:27.309 --> 00:10:29.961
"I need to turn in my quarterly reports."

00:10:29.961 --> 00:10:31.409
What if -

00:10:31.409 --> 00:10:33.809
What if we began speaking like this?

00:10:34.549 --> 00:10:36.859
"I choose to go pick up
my kids from school."

00:10:36.859 --> 00:10:39.650
"I choose to turn in
my quarterly reports tomorrow."

00:10:39.650 --> 00:10:44.110
"I choose not to color coordinate
family photos this year, mom. Sorry."

00:10:44.110 --> 00:10:46.980
(Laughter)

00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:50.880
This is far more difficult
than it sounds, when you try it,

00:10:50.880 --> 00:10:55.078
because we have been so conditioned
to give away our will and our choice

00:10:55.078 --> 00:10:56.399
by how we speak -

00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:59.170
"I have to, I need to, 
I want to, I could, I should."

00:10:59.790 --> 00:11:01.420
I choose.

00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:05.710
I choose to empower myself
with the accountability of choice.

00:11:06.300 --> 00:11:09.239
I choose to ask myself:
with these thoughts,

00:11:09.239 --> 00:11:10.840
is this Lance thinking?

00:11:11.340 --> 00:11:14.240
Or is it my polygamous
thought patterns thinking?

00:11:14.520 --> 00:11:17.210
Thought patterns that no longer serve me.

00:11:18.690 --> 00:11:22.940
I choose to no longer
be a martyr like my grandfather.

00:11:24.370 --> 00:11:27.929
I choose the clarity,
that it is mental gymnastics,

00:11:27.929 --> 00:11:31.330
to believe that my self-worth
is ever in question.

00:11:32.540 --> 00:11:34.090
I choose the clarity,

00:11:34.090 --> 00:11:39.801
that love is either unconditional
or it is not love at all.

00:11:41.261 --> 00:11:45.510
I choose to be a leader of my own life.

00:11:46.420 --> 00:11:49.092
I choose, it is my choice,

00:11:49.092 --> 00:11:50.762
it has always been my choice,

00:11:50.762 --> 00:11:53.662
just as it has always been your choice.

00:11:55.252 --> 00:11:58.539
This is how you escape your polygamy.

00:11:59.229 --> 00:12:02.262
Empower yourself
with the accountability of choice.

00:12:02.982 --> 00:12:05.572
Be a leader of your own life.

00:12:07.052 --> 00:12:10.032
And now, as I say goodbye,

00:12:10.892 --> 00:12:13.982
on behalf of the five-year-old boy
from rural Montana,

00:12:14.312 --> 00:12:17.892
who could not hear, nor speak very well,

00:12:19.332 --> 00:12:22.651
who spent thousands of hours
in speech therapy,

00:12:23.501 --> 00:12:26.113
practicing and practicing,

00:12:27.093 --> 00:12:31.393
with the hope that one day
he might, just might,

00:12:31.743 --> 00:12:34.932
become one of the greatest
communicators in the world.

00:12:35.992 --> 00:12:38.592
On behalf of that five-year-old boy:

00:12:38.592 --> 00:12:39.642
Thank you,

00:12:39.642 --> 00:12:41.747
for allowing him to be heard.

00:12:41.747 --> 00:12:44.765
(Applause)