WEBVTT
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Hi guys, it's me, Jen Pastiloff here, at my
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Mother's Day retreat in Ojai.
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I just snuck out. Everyone's getting a, in a
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sound concert. I hired a sound therapist,
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Fawntrice Finesse, who's incredible.
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If you're in the southern California
area, look her up.
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She comes and does private sessions, which
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is just phenomenal. But right now she's
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giving a group healing.
Everyone's on their mat.
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I came to rest, because I'm losing my voice.
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And I'm leading a retreat, so ... (laughs)
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Wearing my 'Every Mother Counts'
for Mother's Day.
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Anyway, I haven't been nervous to make
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a video in a while. The last video I was
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nervous to make was the one I made on my
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Dad's birthday, and I sang, kind of pitifully,
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You Are My Sunshine, which we all sang
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this morning as a group, in class.
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I was crying! It's a really beautiful song.
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Anyway. I'm looking at my bracelet here:
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Fuck Fear and Fly.
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This video scared me to make, and I came
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to make it like four times today,
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and I said, "I'm not gonna make it."
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But then I decided to. I realized because
it scared me, maybe I should.
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So. I don't know when it was,
couple of months ago
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-- no, maybe a month ago --
who knows, who cares? --
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a little while ago I made a video where
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I talked openly about depression,
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because I saw somewhere someone online,
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was sort of bashing "yoga teachers" or
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spiritual people who took anti-depressants
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and -- I don't even remember what the
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argument was, but I went on just to, y'know,
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say no judgement, and I had written openly
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about it, and I've struggled probably
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since I came out of the womb with severe,
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severe depression, which I've written openly
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about. And so this video I talked about,
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this essay I had written that had gone viral,
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was really candid about meds, and how
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I've gone off them, and I said in the video,
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you know, whether or not -- it wasn't a
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conversation for pro or con medication,
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at all. It's still not. I just wanted to
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create a dialogue, open dialogue, about
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mental health, and depression, and
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take away any stigma, which is what I try
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to do. And I do my best to lead by example,
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sort of be as honest as I can, and that
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doesn't mean, as I've said many times,
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walking down the street and vomiting your
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story and oversharing and telling everyone
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everything -- no, not at all. It means
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telling the truth about who you are, and
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not hiding your shit, or your magnificence.
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So. I said in this video, you know,
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try not to judge! Try not to judge.
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So this morning, at my retreat, which
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has been so beautiful, and it really
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reignites me, doing this work. I have no
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sense of time, I'm utterly present, and
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focused, and channeled, and connected,
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and full of love, and I feel good, and ...
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capable, and possible. You know, that's
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how you know, I think, when you're in it,
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when you're doing what you're
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-- if you believe in this kind of thing --
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-- "meant to be doing."
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I don't necessarily believe that we all,
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like, have one thing we're meant to be doing,
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but certainly this is one for me.
So I'm really happy to be here.
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I don't even remember how it came up.
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I was talking this morning about depression.
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And I remember when I wrote that essay,
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the one -- I originally wrote it for xoJane
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and then Salon picked it up -- and I
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remember reading the comments
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-- don't ever do that --
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and I read like three, and I realized,
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don't ever do this, and I haven't since,
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and I won't. Especially on certain sites,
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you know, and with certain topics. So.
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I remember a couple of the comments were
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like, "Maybe you shouldn't lead
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inspirational retreats, you know,
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if you have depression."
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First of all, I don't call my retreats
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"inspirational retreats." That's on you,
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if you come to one and, you know, you're
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talking about it, and you say,
"It was inspiring."
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But I don't say, "Come to my
inspirational retreat!"
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I also don't call myself -- "I'm an
inspiration!" Please, you know?
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I can't control what someone else says
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about me. That's on them.
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Also ... so what I said this morning in
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class was, you know, what I realized after
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writing that essay was, the truth is,
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yeah, it was scary when I first wrote it.
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It was, it was scary, and I woke up the
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next day like, what have I done?
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Who's gonna [unintelligible] why have I
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done it, oh my God, take it back!
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But the opposite effect happened: so many
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people thanked me, and more people came,
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and were drawn to that -- oh, that's what
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it looks like to be honest!
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So. This morning in class I said, yeah,
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you know, I was talking about this essay
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I'd written where I talked about going off
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my meds, and I said, oh, I'm back on them.
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And I said I haven't written about that yet,
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because frankly it's no one's business.
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And I haven't, but I'm not ashamed
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about it, and I've told a few groups,
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and my friends know, and anyone close to
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me knows, and it's like, who gives a shit
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right? Like no one's even gonna care, so?
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But the reason I wanted to talk about it
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is because I wanna take the stigma away,
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and remind you that here I am, doing what
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I love, and making a damn good living.
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I'm really alive when I'm doing this work.
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And I'm openly talking about struggling with
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depression and yes, I'm on anti-depressants
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again because you guys, I went off of them?
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All the years I wasn't on them, my earlier
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years, and all those years when I was
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severely anorexic and I wanted to die,
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I shoulda been! And I finally went on them
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and my life changed, and opened up, and it
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wasn't like I was happy all the time,
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or any bullshit like that. I was just able
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to get out of bed. And I finally left a job
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that made me crazy and miserable
and I started doing this.
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So I went off because I thought I might
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wanna get pregnant, and I thought, well,
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it's good now! I can be off! I went off
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and I got pregnant like that (snap)
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and it ended up being ectopic. I literally
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got pregnant like that (snap),
you know, one try, boom.
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And let me tell you, guys, that time off
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my meds was terrible. Like when I wrote
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that essay, last year, horrible.
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I wanted to die. It was the worst time.
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And nothing changed. I had a million
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people telling me, "Jen, you changed my
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life, you're amazing!" My retreats were
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sold out -- it didn't matter.
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Something off in my brain, you know? So it
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doesn't matter, you can be a bestselling
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author, you can have your own TV show,
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you can do as much yoga 'til you're blue
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in the face doing handstands.
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So anyone could say anything to me:
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"You don't do enough yoga,
you don't meditate."
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Will I be on them the rest of my life?
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I don't know! Maybe, maybe not. I am
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right now, and they really help me.
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Do they make me perfect? Hell no!
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I still struggle, a whole lot.
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But it's what I needed to do. I broke my
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foot, and I remember exactly the day.
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I still had an old bottle in my house,
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from when I'd weaned off the year before,
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and I emailed my doctor. I thought I was
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gonna die. I was gonna get on a plane to
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go to Paris, my foot was broken, and it
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sent me into the worst tailspin.
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And I went back on, and that was one of
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the best fucking decisions I've made in a
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really, really long time. In a really
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long time. And I don't take a lot, and it
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doesn't matter which one, and it doesn't
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matter, I'm not here, the pros or cons,
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and I'm sure there's gonna be some comments
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that say, you know -- first of all, no one
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gives a shit. I'm sure no one's even
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gonna care. It's not like this big thing.
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I'm not announcing that I'm, like, y'know,
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whatever. I'm not on 20/20, getting paid
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a million dollars, or 200 million dollars,
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to give this interview and disclosing this
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big information, but I'm here to ...
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After I said that this morning,
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within five minutes, like five people came
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up to me and said thank you. Five, in
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five minutes. "Thank you,
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thank you for sharing that." You know?
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You know how many people live in shame
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with these kind of things? And the truth
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is like I'm saying, no one's gonna give
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a shit, so what? And does it make me any
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less successful at what I'm doing here? No!
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I'm not leading an "inspirational retreat"
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at all! I'm here, we're in a group, we're
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sharing our stories, the snot's flying,
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we're singing out loud, we're talking,
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we're listening ... Does it matter that I
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struggle with depression? No!!
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It's actually good for people to know,
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because look at what I'm doing despite it,
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because of it.
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And in fact it makes me more empathetic.
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It makes me pay better attention.
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But I'm here to remind you that you don't
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have to hide or be ashamed, and this is
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scary, you know, part of me is like, "Are
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you gonna even hit publish on this?"
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So, yeah, I struggle with depression, and
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I have for a really, really long time.
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For as long as I can remember.
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And some days it's still really bad.
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And the best decision I made was to go
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back on them, because I was headed into a
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dark, dark place. Dark.
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And I'm not meant to be in that place, guys.
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I'm meant to let my light shine,
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and to do this work,
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and so I have a tool that helps me.
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So this video basically is just while I'm
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feeling brave, while I'm in this environment.
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It makes me feel really brave and really
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good, to remind you to be who you are, and
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to not have any shame if you're dealing
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with any struggles, in whatever capacity.
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One of the people that thanked me today
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for telling the truth said, you know, she
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had had cancer, and she said when she got
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cancer she was embarrassed, 'cause she had
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been a personal trainer, and people said,
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"You got cancer? You? You're in the
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health and wellness field!"
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We're human beings.
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I know this is long.
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I love you guys. This is a really beautiful
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thing that we've created together,
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and ... it's important to stay
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connected to our humanness,
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and to what makes us human, and to listen
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to each other. And to pay attention.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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I love you guys, so much, I really do.
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How bold one gets when one is sure of
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being loved. How bold one gets, when one
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is sure of being loved. Sigmund Freud said
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that, and if that's not why I do what I do,
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then I don't know what is.
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So thank you for being accepting of me,
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and yeah, it's scary to share this
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ten-minute video, but it's important,
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because it doesn't define me.
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It doesn't define me.
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It doesn't define me.