Hi guys, it's me, Jen Pastiloff here, at my
Mother's Day retreat in Ojai.
I just snuck out. Everyone's getting a, in a
sound concert. I hired a sound therapist,
Fawntrice Finesse, who's incredible.
If you're in the southern California area, look her up.
She comes and does private sessions, which
is just phenomenal. But right now she's
giving a group healing. Everyone's on their mat.
I came to rest, because I'm losing my voice.
And I'm leading a retreat, so ... (laughs)
Wearing my 'Every Mother Counts' for Mother's Day.
Anyway, I haven't been nervous to make
a video in a while. The last video I was
nervous to make was the one I made on my
Dad's birthday, and I sang, kind of pitifully,
You Are My Sunshine, which we all sang
this morning as a group, in class.
I was crying! It's a really beautiful song.
Anyway. I'm looking at my bracelet here:
Fuck Fear and Fly.
This video scared me to make, and I came
to make it like four times today,
and I said, "I'm not gonna make it."
But then I decided to. I realized because it scared me, maybe I should.
So. I don't know when it was, couple of months ago
-- no, maybe a month ago -- who knows, who cares? --
a little while ago I made a video where
I talked openly about depression,
because I saw somewhere someone online,
was sort of bashing "yoga teachers" or
spiritual people who took anti-depressants
and -- I don't even remember what the
argument was, but I went on just to, y'know,
say no judgement, and I had written openly
about it, and I've struggled probably
since I came out of the womb with severe,
severe depression, which I've written openly
about. And so this video I talked about,
this essay I had written that had gone viral,
was really candid about meds, and how
I've gone off them, and I said in the video,
you know, whether or not -- it wasn't a
conversation for pro or con medication,
at all. It's still not. I just wanted to
create a dialogue, open dialogue, about
mental health, and depression, and
take away any stigma, which is what I try
to do. And I do my best to lead by example,
sort of be as honest as I can, and that
doesn't mean, as I've said many times,
walking down the street and vomiting your
story and oversharing and telling everyone
everything -- no, not at all. It means
telling the truth about who you are, and
not hiding your shit, or your magnificence.
So. I said in this video, you know,
try not to judge! Try not to judge.
So this morning, at my retreat, which
has been so beautiful, and it really
reignites me, doing this work. I have no
sense of time, I'm utterly present, and
focused, and channeled, and connected,
and full of love, and I feel good, and ...
capable, and possible. You know, that's
how you know, I think, when you're in it,
when you're doing what you're
-- if you believe in this kind of thing --
-- "meant to be doing."
I don't necessarily believe that we all,
like, have one thing we're meant to be doing,
but certainly this is one for me. So I'm really happy to be here.
I don't even remember how it came up.
I was talking this morning about depression.
And I remember when I wrote that essay,
the one -- I originally wrote it for xoJane
and then Salon picked it up -- and I
remember reading the comments
-- don't ever do that --
and I read like three, and I realized,
don't ever do this, and I haven't since,
and I won't. Especially on certain sites,
you know, and with certain topics. So.
I remember a couple of the comments were
like, "Maybe you shouldn't lead
inspirational retreats, you know,
if you have depression."
First of all, I don't call my retreats
"inspirational retreats." That's on you,
if you come to one and, you know, you're
talking about it, and you say, "It was inspiring."
But I don't say, "Come to my inspirational retreat!"
I also don't call myself -- "I'm an inspiration!" Please, you know?
I can't control what someone else says
about me. That's on them.
Also ... so what I said this morning in
class was, you know, what I realized after
writing that essay was, the truth is,
yeah, it was scary when I first wrote it.
It was, it was scary, and I woke up the
next day like, what have I done?
Who's gonna [unintelligible] why have I
done it, oh my God, take it back!
But the opposite effect happened: so many
people thanked me, and more people came,
and were drawn to that -- oh, that's what
it looks like to be honest!
So. This morning in class I said, yeah,
you know, I was talking about this essay
I'd written where I talked about going off
my meds, and I said, oh, I'm back on them.
And I said I haven't written about that yet,
because frankly it's no one's business.
And I haven't, but I'm not ashamed
about it, and I've told a few groups,
and my friends know, and anyone close to
me knows, and it's like, who gives a shit
right? Like no one's even gonna care, so?
But the reason I wanted to talk about it
is because I wanna take the stigma away,
and remind you that here I am, doing what
I love, and making a damn good living.
I'm really alive when I'm doing this work.
And I'm openly talking about struggling with
depression and yes, I'm on anti-depressants
again because you guys, I went off of them?
All the years I wasn't on them, my earlier
years, and all those years when I was
severely anorexic and I wanted to die,
I shoulda been! And I finally went on them
and my life changed, and opened up, and it
wasn't like I was happy all the time,
or any bullshit like that. I was just able
to get out of bed. And I finally left a job
that made me crazy and miserable and I started doing this.
So I went off because I thought I might
wanna get pregnant, and I thought, well,
it's good now! I can be off! I went off
and I got pregnant like that (snap)
and it ended up being ectopic. I literally
got pregnant like that (snap), you know, one try, boom.
And let me tell you, guys, that time off
my meds was terrible. Like when I wrote
that essay, last year, horrible.
I wanted to die. It was the worst time.
And nothing changed. I had a million
people telling me, "Jen, you changed my
life, you're amazing!" My retreats were
sold out -- it didn't matter.
Something off in my brain, you know? So it
doesn't matter, you can be a bestselling
author, you can have your own TV show,
you can do as much yoga 'til you're blue
in the face doing handstands.
So anyone could say anything to me:
"You don't do enough yoga, you don't meditate."
Will I be on them the rest of my life?
I don't know! Maybe, maybe not. I am
right now, and they really help me.
Do they make me perfect? Hell no!
I still struggle, a whole lot.
But it's what I needed to do. I broke my
foot, and I remember exactly the day.
I still had an old bottle in my house,
from when I'd weaned off the year before,
and I emailed my doctor. I thought I was
gonna die. I was gonna get on a plane to
go to Paris, my foot was broken, and it
sent me into the worst tailspin.
And I went back on, and that was one of
the best fucking decisions I've made in a
really, really long time. In a really
long time. And I don't take a lot, and it
doesn't matter which one, and it doesn't
matter, I'm not here, the pros or cons,
and I'm sure there's gonna be some comments
that say, you know -- first of all, no one
gives a shit. I'm sure no one's even
gonna care. It's not like this big thing.
I'm not announcing that I'm, like, y'know,
whatever. I'm not on 20/20, getting paid
a million dollars, or 200 million dollars,
to give this interview and disclosing this
big information, but I'm here to ...
After I said that this morning,
within five minutes, like five people came
up to me and said thank you. Five, in
five minutes. "Thank you,
thank you for sharing that." You know?
You know how many people live in shame
with these kind of things? And the truth
is like I'm saying, no one's gonna give
a shit, so what? And does it make me any
less successful at what I'm doing here? No!
I'm not leading an "inspirational retreat"
at all! I'm here, we're in a group, we're
sharing our stories, the snot's flying,
we're singing out loud, we're talking,
we're listening ... Does it matter that I
struggle with depression? No!!
It's actually good for people to know,
because look at what I'm doing despite it,
because of it.
And in fact it makes me more empathetic.
It makes me pay better attention.
But I'm here to remind you that you don't
have to hide or be ashamed, and this is
scary, you know, part of me is like, "Are
you gonna even hit publish on this?"
So, yeah, I struggle with depression, and
I have for a really, really long time.
For as long as I can remember.
And some days it's still really bad.
And the best decision I made was to go
back on them, because I was headed into a
dark, dark place. Dark.
And I'm not meant to be in that place, guys.
I'm meant to let my light shine,
and to do this work,
and so I have a tool that helps me.
So this video basically is just while I'm
feeling brave, while I'm in this environment.
It makes me feel really brave and really
good, to remind you to be who you are, and
to not have any shame if you're dealing
with any struggles, in whatever capacity.
One of the people that thanked me today
for telling the truth said, you know, she
had had cancer, and she said when she got
cancer she was embarrassed, 'cause she had
been a personal trainer, and people said,
"You got cancer? You? You're in the
health and wellness field!"
We're human beings.
I know this is long.
I love you guys. This is a really beautiful
thing that we've created together,
and ... it's important to stay
connected to our humanness,
and to what makes us human, and to listen
to each other. And to pay attention.
Thank you. Thank you.
I love you guys, so much, I really do.
How bold one gets when one is sure of
being loved. How bold one gets, when one
is sure of being loved. Sigmund Freud said
that, and if that's not why I do what I do,
then I don't know what is.
So thank you for being accepting of me,
and yeah, it's scary to share this
ten-minute video, but it's important,
because it doesn't define me.
It doesn't define me.