0:00:00.820,0:00:05.850
The first time I uttered a prayer [br]wasn't a glass stained Cathedral

0:00:06.330,0:00:09.780
I was kneeling long after the [br]congregation was on its feet.

0:00:09.780,0:00:13.600
The both hands into holy war trace [br]the Trinity across my chest,

0:00:13.600,0:00:18.590
my tiny body drooping like a question [br]mark all over the wooden pew

0:00:18.820,0:00:24.130
I ask Jesus to fix me and when [br]he did not answer I befriended

0:00:24.230,0:00:27.250
silence in the hopes that my son [br]would burn and felt my mouth

0:00:27.250,0:00:29.220
would dissolve like sugar and tongue.

0:00:29.220,0:00:33.240
But shame lingered as an after taste [br]and attempt to re-introduce

0:00:33.240,0:00:38.870
me to sanctity my mother told me of [br]the miracle I was said I could

0:00:38.920,0:00:40.760
grow up to be anything I want,

0:00:40.760,0:00:44.160
I decided to be a boy.

0:00:44.160,0:00:49.030
It was I had snapped back toothless [br]grin used their street cred,

0:00:49.030,0:00:51.370
played hide-and-seek with [br]what was left of my goal,

0:00:51.370,0:00:54.560
I was it the winner to a game [br]the other kids can play.

0:00:54.560,0:00:58.060
I was the mystery of an anatomy a [br]question asked but not answered

0:00:58.820,0:01:00.090
groping between awkward.

0:01:00.140,0:01:06.170
Boy an apologetic and when I turned [br]12 the boy phase wasn't deemed

0:01:06.230,0:01:10.810
cute anymore it was met with nostalgic [br]aren't missing my knees and

0:01:10.810,0:01:11.370
the,

0:01:11.370,0:01:15.550
and in the shadow of skirts or reminded [br]me that my kind attitude

0:01:15.660,0:01:19.420
would never bring a husband home [br]then I exist for heterosexual

0:01:19.420,0:01:23.220
marriage and childbearing and I swallowed [br]the end sauce along with

0:01:23.220,0:01:27.770
these flows naturally I did [br]not come out of the closet.

0:01:27.770,0:01:29.440
The kids at my school opened it was.

0:01:29.480,0:01:31.540
At my permission called me by name.

0:01:31.540,0:01:35.940
I did not recognize said lesbian [br]but I was more boy goal what can

0:01:35.940,0:01:36.760
then Bobby.

0:01:36.760,0:01:38.770
It had nothing to do with hating my body.

0:01:38.770,0:01:39.450
I just love it.

0:01:39.450,0:01:42.860
Do not to let a goal I treated like [br]a house and when your house is

0:01:42.940,0:01:43.880
falling apart.

0:01:43.880,0:01:47.990
You do not evacuate you make it [br]comfortable enough to house all

0:01:48.040,0:01:51.400
your insides you make it pretty enough [br]to invite guests over you

0:01:51.400,0:01:53.500
make the floorboards strong enough.

0:01:53.590,0:01:58.960
To stand on my mother for [br]years I've named myself.

0:01:58.960,0:02:03.110
After fading things as she comes [br]the echoes left behind by Maya

0:02:03.200,0:02:07.550
Hall leader Alcon Blake Brock intend [br]she fears that I'll die

0:02:07.550,0:02:08.360
without a whisper.

0:02:08.720,0:02:09.630
Then I will turn into,

0:02:09.630,0:02:11.440
what a shame conversations [br]at the bus stop,

0:02:11.440,0:02:12.300
she claims.

0:02:12.300,0:02:16.380
I would turn myself into a mausoleum [br]that I'm walking casket news

0:02:16.380,0:02:19.270
headlines as turned my identity [br]into a spectacle,

0:02:19.270,0:02:21.040
Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips.

0:02:21.040,0:02:24.600
Why the brutality of living in this [br]body becomes an drugs at the

0:02:24.600,0:02:26.360
bottom of the quality pages.

0:02:26.360,0:02:30.550
No one ever thinks of us as human [br]because we are more gross than

0:02:30.670,0:02:34.330
flesh because people fear that my [br]gender expression as a trick

0:02:34.540,0:02:38.080
that it exists to be perverse in [br]Smith and without their consent

0:02:38.210,0:02:41.630
there my body as a feast for the [br]eyes and hands and once the

0:02:41.710,0:02:43.300
effect of my career.

0:02:43.300,0:02:44.920
There were very good at it all the part.

0:02:45.010,0:02:49.360
They did not like they'll put me back [br]into the closet hang me with

0:02:49.390,0:02:50.690
all the other skeletons.

0:02:50.690,0:02:53.110
I will be the best attraction.

0:02:53.110,0:02:57.270
Can you see how easy it is to talk [br]people into coffins to miss

0:02:57.630,0:03:01.130
their names on grave stones and people [br]still wonder why they boys

0:03:01.220,0:03:03.720
rotting go away in high school hallways.

0:03:03.720,0:03:07.380
They are afraid of the coming another [br]has taken a second afraid of

0:03:07.480,0:03:12.530
classroom her sons becoming like [br]Judgment Day and now oncoming

0:03:12.640,0:03:16.650
traffic as embracing more transgender [br]children than parents.

0:03:16.650,0:03:20.540
I wonder how long it will be before [br]the train suicide notes

0:03:20.620,0:03:24.720
thought to feel redundant before we [br]realize that our bodies become

0:03:24.820,0:03:28.060
lessons about sin way before [br]we learn how to love them.

0:03:28.060,0:03:32.100
Thank God didn't didn't save [br]all this breadth and mercy.

0:03:32.100,0:03:35.490
Like my blood was not the way [br]that washed over Jesus' feet.

0:03:35.490,0:03:39.810
My prayers are now getting [br]stuck in my throat.

0:03:39.810,0:03:43.000
Maybe I am finally fixed,

0:03:43.000,0:03:45.210
maybe I just don't care.

0:03:45.210,0:03:49.510
Maybe God finally listened to my prayers.