WEBVTT

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There's a general...

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In the media, there's a lot of stuff
people don't know about numbers.

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I'm a numbers guy, I'm a dweeb,
I apologise.

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I'm a bit of a nerd about
these kind of things.

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I get really pissed off when people
give out about crime going up

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when they say the numbers are
definitely going down.

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If you go, "The numbers are going down,"
they go, "But the *fear* of crime is rising."

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Well, so what? You know what I mean?

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Zombies are at an all-time low level,
but the fear of zombies could be incredibly high.

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It doesn't mean we have to
have government policies

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to deal with the fear of zombies.
It's ridiculous, for Christ's sake!

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The NHS, there was a survey in
the NHS about dentistry,

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where they found that some people
are removing their own teeth.

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And they brought on some senior dentist onto
Sky News and gave out to him and said,

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"This is terrible, people are
removing their teeth!"

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And this guy stood there and went:

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"Well obviously, systems should be
put in place to deal with..."

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Which is stupid! He should've just gone:
"Well, these people are clearly morons!"

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"Who removes their own teeth,
for Christ's sake?!

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I'm a dentist, I don't remove
my own teeth." You know?

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But there's kind of a notion that
"everyone's opinion is equally valid."

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My arse!

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Bloke who's a professor of dentistry
for 40 years does not have a debate

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with some eejit who removes his
teeth with string and a door.

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It's nonsense! And they have this all
the time with medical stuff on TV.

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You have a doctor and they'll
talk to the doctor,

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"Oh Doctor this and Doctor that, what
happened there and Doctor, isn't it awful?"

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And then the doctor will be
talking about something

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with all the benefit of research
and medical evidence,

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and they'll turn away from the doctor,
in the name of "balance",

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and turn to some quack witch doctor
homeopath horse-shit peddler

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on the other side of the studio.

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And I'm sorry if you're into
homeopathy, it's water!

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How often does it need to be said?

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It's just water. You're healing yourself.
Why don't you give yourself the credit?

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Jesus! Homeopaths get on my nerves with the whole
"Science doesn't know everything."

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Science *knows* it doesn't know everything,
otherwise it'd stop!

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But as well as that... Why would they bother?

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Just because science doesn't
know everything,

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doesn't mean you fill in the gaps with
whatever fairy tale most appeals to you.

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"The great thing about homeopathy
is you can't overdose on it."

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Well, you could fucking drown.

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I'm sorry, it seems harsh, and I used
to be much more generous about it.

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But right now, I would take homeopaths

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and I'd put them in a big sack with
psychics, astrologers and priests

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and I'd close the top of the sack with string
and I'd hit them all with sticks!

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And I really wouldn't worry who got
the worst of the belt of the stick.

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Anyone who has an answer to the
difficult questions in life,

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the "l don't know what
happens after I die"

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or "Please, what happens if
my loved ones die?"

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or "How can I stop myself dying?"

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The big questions give you
an easy bullshit answer.

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You go, "Do you have any
evidence for that?"

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And they go, "There's more
to life than evidence."

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Get in the fucking sack!

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I'm sorry, herbal medicine has been
around for thousands of years.

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Indeed it has, and then
we tested it all,

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and the stuff that worked
became "medicine".

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And the rest of it is just a nice
bowl of soup and some potpourri.

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So knock yourselves out!

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But it's one of these ridiculous things.

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You never see that balancing
with really hard science.

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You never see it with physics,
like a guy talking from NASA

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about a space station:

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"Mr NASA guy, you've built
a new space station."

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They talk, and they go, "Right, that's very
interesting, but for the sake of "balance",

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we must now turn to Barry, who believes
the sky is a carpet painted by God.

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Barry, what do you think of
this space station plan?"

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"Well it's clearly ridiculous, what are
they gonna do, hook it onto the carpet?

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"You're absolutely right,
Barry, you really are."

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I love that kind of stuff, but all
that nonsense, all the fairy tales,

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homeopathy, chiropractic, all of
this kind of stuff, ridiculous,

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and they make billions every year!

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Nutrition, I was talking about this before,
here's my favourite little fact.

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If anyone describes themselves ever
to you as a "nutritionist",

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just be slightly wary, right?

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What they're saying may be perfectly true,
but nutritionist isn't a protected term.

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Anyone can call themselves nutritionist.

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"Dietician" is the legally protected term.

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Dietician is like dentist and
nutritionist is like toothyologist.

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I mean, I could call myself a nutritionist and
I'd be a phenominally popular nutritionist.

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People would come from miles around:
"You look fantastic, let's have a pint.

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Come on, come on, come on,
you fat bastard, I'll wrestle you."

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It's ridiculous!

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Even though there's lots of evidence
for this kind of stuff,

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we still would sooner believe
a story our mother tells us

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about the woman she knew
who had a headache,

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and then she rubbed a cat
on the side of her head,

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and the headache was gone
the next day, right?

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We even take things for granted
about our own health,

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There's a thing on the cover of
the London Evening Standard,

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it had this thing which said,
"Ten symptoms you should not ignore."

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And you read that and think, "Right, there's
gonna be something which I've had for a while

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but it's been low level and I've
never done anything about it,

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but it hasn't gone away and maybe
I should get that checked out."

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That's what you presume it is,
you know what I mean?

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"Oh, that pain in my arm is still there,
I can't seem to clear that chesty cough."

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The first three symptoms you
should not ignore were:

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- rectum bleeding...

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- loss of height...

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- and sudden blindness.

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Who ignores sudden blindness?!

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Who sits in the office at lunchtime going,
"Woah, who turned out the lights?

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Oh no, I can't see a thing! It's awful,
I'm no use to anyone today.

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I'll answer phones, that's all I can do,
that's all I'm good for today.

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Oh, don't make a fuss, don't make a fuss!"

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I wouldn't dream of lecturing you on how
to live your lives, about health.

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That would be arrogant, like these people.

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Look at me, I'm a big guy. I'm no model
for anyone when it comes to health.

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I winter well, as we say euphemistically.

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And I know this, it gets
reflected to me in weird ways.

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We went to buy a car, myself and the wife.

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We're sitting in the garage, and on the 
forecourt is a two-seater sports car.

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I said "I know we're not gonna
buy it, can I just sit in it?

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I've always wanted one,
can I just sit in it?"

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She was "Alright, you can."

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I sat in the little two-seater,
and I just went,"How do I look?"

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She goes, "You look like Noddy."