There's a general...

In the media, there's a lot of stuff
people don't know about numbers.

I'm a numbers guy, I'm a dweeb,
I apologise.

I'm a bit of a nerd about
these kind of things.

I get really pissed off when people
give out about crime going up

when they say the numbers are
definitely going down.

If you go, "The numbers are going down,"
they go, "But the *fear* of crime is rising."

Well, so what? You know what I mean?

Zombies are at an all-time low level,
but the fear of zombies could be incredibly high.

It doesn't mean we have to
have government policies

to deal with the fear of zombies.
It's ridiculous, for Christ's sake!

The NHS, there was a survey in
the NHS about dentistry,

where they found that some people
are removing their own teeth.

And they brought on some senior dentist onto
Sky News and gave out to him and said,

"This is terrible, people are
removing their teeth!"

And this guy stood there and went:

"Well obviously, systems should be
put in place to deal with..."

Which is stupid! He should've just gone:
"Well, these people are clearly morons!"

"Who removes their own teeth,
for Christ's sake?!

I'm a dentist, I don't remove
my own teeth." You know?

But there's kind of a notion that
"everyone's opinion is equally valid."

My arse!

Bloke who's a professor of dentistry
for 40 years does not have a debate

with some eejit who removes his
teeth with string and a door.

It's nonsense! And they have this all
the time with medical stuff on TV.

You have a doctor and they'll
talk to the doctor,

"Oh Doctor this and Doctor that, what
happened there and Doctor, isn't it awful?"

And then the doctor will be
talking about something

with all the benefit of research
and medical evidence,

and they'll turn away from the doctor,
in the name of "balance",

and turn to some quack witch doctor
homeopath horse-shit peddler

on the other side of the studio.

And I'm sorry if you're into
homeopathy, it's water!

How often does it need to be said?

It's just water. You're healing yourself.
Why don't you give yourself the credit?

Jesus! Homeopaths get on my nerves with the whole
"Science doesn't know everything."

Science *knows* it doesn't know everything,
otherwise it'd stop!

But as well as that... Why would they bother?

Just because science doesn't
know everything,

doesn't mean you fill in the gaps with
whatever fairy tale most appeals to you.

"The great thing about homeopathy
is you can't overdose on it."

Well, you could fucking drown.

I'm sorry, it seems harsh, and I used
to be much more generous about it.

But right now, I would take homeopaths

and I'd put them in a big sack with
psychics, astrologers and priests

and I'd close the top of the sack with string
and I'd hit them all with sticks!

And I really wouldn't worry who got
the worst of the belt of the stick.

Anyone who has an answer to the
difficult questions in life,

the "l don't know what
happens after I die"

or "Please, what happens if
my loved ones die?"

or "How can I stop myself dying?"

The big questions give you
an easy bullshit answer.

You go, "Do you have any
evidence for that?"

And they go, "There's more
to life than evidence."

Get in the fucking sack!

I'm sorry, herbal medicine has been
around for thousands of years.

Indeed it has, and then
we tested it all,

and the stuff that worked
became "medicine".

And the rest of it is just a nice
bowl of soup and some potpourri.

So knock yourselves out!

But it's one of these ridiculous things.

You never see that balancing
with really hard science.

You never see it with physics,
like a guy talking from NASA

about a space station:

"Mr NASA guy, you've built
a new space station."

They talk, and they go, "Right, that's very
interesting, but for the sake of "balance",

we must now turn to Barry, who believes
the sky is a carpet painted by God.

Barry, what do you think of
this space station plan?"

"Well it's clearly ridiculous, what are
they gonna do, hook it onto the carpet?

"You're absolutely right,
Barry, you really are."

I love that kind of stuff, but all
that nonsense, all the fairy tales,

homeopathy, chiropractic, all of
this kind of stuff, ridiculous,

and they make billions every year!

Nutrition, I was talking about this before,
here's my favourite little fact.

If anyone describes themselves ever
to you as a "nutritionist",

just be slightly wary, right?

What they're saying may be perfectly true,
but nutritionist isn't a protected term.

Anyone can call themselves nutritionist.

"Dietician" is the legally protected term.

Dietician is like dentist and
nutritionist is like toothyologist.

I mean, I could call myself a nutritionist and
I'd be a phenominally popular nutritionist.

People would come from miles around:
"You look fantastic, let's have a pint.

Come on, come on, come on,
you fat bastard, I'll wrestle you."

It's ridiculous!

Even though there's lots of evidence
for this kind of stuff,

we still would sooner believe
a story our mother tells us

about the woman she knew
who had a headache,

and then she rubbed a cat
on the side of her head,

and the headache was gone
the next day, right?

We even take things for granted
about our own health,

There's a thing on the cover of
the London Evening Standard,

it had this thing which said,
"Ten symptoms you should not ignore."

And you read that and think, "Right, there's
gonna be something which I've had for a while

but it's been low level and I've
never done anything about it,

but it hasn't gone away and maybe
I should get that checked out."

That's what you presume it is,
you know what I mean?

"Oh, that pain in my arm is still there,
I can't seem to clear that chesty cough."

The first three symptoms you
should not ignore were:

- rectum bleeding...

- loss of height...

- and sudden blindness.

Who ignores sudden blindness?!

Who sits in the office at lunchtime going,
"Woah, who turned out the lights?

Oh no, I can't see a thing! It's awful,
I'm no use to anyone today.

I'll answer phones, that's all I can do,
that's all I'm good for today.

Oh, don't make a fuss, don't make a fuss!"

I wouldn't dream of lecturing you on how
to live your lives, about health.

That would be arrogant, like these people.

Look at me, I'm a big guy. I'm no model
for anyone when it comes to health.

I winter well, as we say euphemistically.

And I know this, it gets
reflected to me in weird ways.

We went to buy a car, myself and the wife.

We're sitting in the garage, and on the 
forecourt is a two-seater sports car.

I said "I know we're not gonna
buy it, can I just sit in it?

I've always wanted one,
can I just sit in it?"

She was "Alright, you can."

I sat in the little two-seater,
and I just went,"How do I look?"

She goes, "You look like Noddy."