WEBVTT
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Hello, thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you. Thank you all.
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Thank you all.
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Thank you.
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And hello New York.
Hello New York and thank you.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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It's been a little while...
it's been a little while...
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since I've been here and a couple
of things had happened...
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in that time.
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I'd like to talk
a little bit...
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about the War in the Persian Gulf.
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Big doings in
the Persian Gulf.
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You know my favorite
part of that war?
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It's the first
war we ever had
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that was on every
channel plus cable.
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And the war got good
ratings, too, didn't it?
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Got good ratings.
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Well, we like war.
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We like war.
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We're a warlike people.
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We like war because
we're good at it.
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And you know why
we're good at it?
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Cause we get
a lot of practice.
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This country's
only 200 years old
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and already we've
had ten major wars.
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We average a major war
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every 20 years in this country,
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so we're good at it.
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And it's a good thing we are.
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We're not very good
at anything else anymore.
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Can't build a decent car.
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Can't make a TV set
or a VCR worth a fuck.
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Got no steel industry left.
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Can't educate
our young people.
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Can't get healthcare
to our old people.
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But we can bomb the shit
out of your country, all right?
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Huh?
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We can bomb the shit out
of your country, all right?
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Especially if your country
is full of brown people.
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Oh, we like that, don't we?
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That's our hobby.
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That's our new
job in the world:
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bombing brown people!
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Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya,
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you got some brown
people in your country,
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tell them to
watch the fuck out
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or we'll goddamn bomb them!
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Well, when's the last white
people you can remember
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that we bombed?
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Can you remember
the last white...
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Can you remember ANY white
people we've ever bombed?
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The Germans,
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also the only ones,
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and that's only because
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they were trying
to cut in on our action.
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They wanted to
dominate the world.
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Bullshit!
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That's our fucking job!
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That's our fucking job!
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Now, we only
bomb brown people,
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not because they're trying
to cut in on our action,
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just because they're brown.
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Now, you probably noticed
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I don't feel about that war
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the way we were told
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we were supposed to
feel about that war,
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the way we were
ordered and instructed
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by the
United States government
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to feel about that war.
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You see?
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I'll tell you, my mind
doesn't work that way.
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I got this real
moron thing I do.
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It's called "thinking".
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And I'm not a
very good American
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because I like to
form my own opinions.
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I don't just roll
over when I'm told to.
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Sad to say, most Americans
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just roll over on command.
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Not me.
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I have certain
rules I live by.
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My first rule,
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I don't believe anything
the government tells me,
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nothing.
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Zero.
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No.
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And I don't
take very seriously
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the media or
the press in this country
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who in the case of
the Persian Gulf War
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were nothing more
than unpaid employees
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of the Department of Defense
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and who most of the time...
most of the time function as kind of
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an unofficial
public relations agency
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for the
United States government.
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So I don't listen to them.
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I don't really
believe in my country.
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And I got to tell you, folks,
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I don't get all choked up
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about yellow ribbons
and American flags.
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I consider them...
I consider them to be symbols,
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and I leave symbols
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to the symbol minded.
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Me, I look at war
a little bit differently.
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To me, war is a lot of
prick waving.
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Okay?
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Simple thing, that's all this is.
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War is a whole lot of men
standing out in the field
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waving their pricks
at one another.
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Men are insecure about
the size of their dicks
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and so they have to kill
one another over the idea.
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That's what all that asshole
jock bullshit is all about.
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That's what all that
adolescent macho,
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male posturing and strutting
in bars and locker rooms
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is all about.
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It's called "dick fear"!
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Men are terrified that
their pricks are inadequate
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and so they have to
compete with one another
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to feel bether about itselves.
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And since war is
the ultimate competition,
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basically men are
killing each other
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in order to improve
their self esteem.
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You don't have to
be a historian
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or a political
scientist to see
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the Bigger Dick
Foreign Policy theory at work.
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It sounds like this:
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"What?
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They have bigger dicks?
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Bomb them!"
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And, of course, the bombs and
the rockets and the bullets
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are all shaped like dicks.
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It's a subconscious need
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to project the penis
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into other people's affairs.
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It's called:
"fucking with people"!
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So...
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So,
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as far as I'm concerned
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that whole thing
in the Persian Gulf
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was nothing more than a
big prick waving dick fight.
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In this particular case,
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Saddam Hussein had
questioned the size
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of George Bush's dick.
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And George Bush has been
called a wimp for so long...
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"wimp" rhymes with "limp".
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George has been called
a wimp for so long
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that he has to act out
his manhood fantasies
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by sending other
people's children to die.
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Even the name "Bush".
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Even the name "Bush",
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is related to the genitals
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without being the genitals.
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A bush is a sort of passive,
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secondary sex characteristic.
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Now, if this man's name
had been "George Boner"...
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Well, he might have felt a
little better about himself,
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and we wouldn't
have had any trouble
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over there in the first place.
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This whole country
has a manhood problem,
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big manhood
problem in the USA.
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You can tell from
the language we use.
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Language always
gives you away.
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What did we do
wrong in Vietnam?
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We pulled out.
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Huh? Not a very manly
thing to do, is it?
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When you're fucking people,
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you got to stay in
there and fuck them good,
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fuck them all the way,
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fuck them till the end!
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Fuck them to death!
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Fuck them to death!
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Fuck them to death!
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Stay in there and
keep fucking them
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until they're all dead!
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We left a few women and
children alive in Vietnam,
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and we haven't felt good
about ourselves since.
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That's why in the Persian Gulf,
George Bush had to say:
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"This will not be
another Vietnam!"
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He actually used these words.
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He say: "This time we're
going all the way!"
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Imagine an American president
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using the sexual
slang of a 13-year-old
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to describe his
foreign policy.
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If you want to know what
happened in the Persian Gulf,
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just remember the
names of the two men
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who were running that war,
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"Dick" Cheney,
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and "Colin" Powell.
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Somebody got
fucked in the ass!
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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Well, I'll tell you what.
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Now, to balance the scale,
I'd like to talk about
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some things that
bring us together.
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Things that point out
our similarities
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instead of our differences,
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'cause that's all you ever
hear about in this country
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is our differences.
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That's all the media
and the politicians
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are ever talking about,
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the things that
separate us,
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things that make us
different from one another.
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That's the way the ruling
class operates in any society.
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They try to divide the
rest of the people.
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They keep the lower
and the middle classes
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fighting with each other
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so that they the rich,
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can run off with
all the fucking money.
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Fairly simple thing.
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Happens to work.
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You know,
anything different,
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that's what they
gonna talk about.
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Race, religion, ethnic
and national backgrounds,
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jobs, income, education,
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social status, sexuality.
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Anything they can do, keep
us fighting with each other
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so that they can
keep going to the bank.
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You know how I describe
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the economic and social
classes in this country?
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The upper class
keeps all of the money,
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pays none of the taxes.
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The middle class
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pays all of the taxes,
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does all of the work.
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The poor are there
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just to scare the shit
out of the middle class.
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Keep them showing
up at those jobs.
00:10:06.219 --> 00:10:07.019
So...
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So, stirring up the shit some,
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I like to do from
time to time,
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but I also like to know
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that I can come back
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to these little things
we have in common.
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Little universal moments
00:10:18.232 --> 00:10:19.890
that we share sepparetly,
00:10:19.938 --> 00:10:21.659
the things that
make us the same.
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They are so small we
rarely even talk about it.
00:10:24.137 --> 00:10:25.532
Did you ever
look at your watch
00:10:25.606 --> 00:10:28.570
and then you don't
know what time it is?
00:10:30.044 --> 00:10:31.911
And you have to look again,
00:10:31.978 --> 00:10:33.842
and you still
don't know the time.
00:10:34.414 --> 00:10:35.538
See, you look at a third time,
00:10:35.615 --> 00:10:36.912
and somebody says:
"What time is it?"
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You say: "I don't know."
00:10:41.102 --> 00:10:44.501
Did you ever notice how
sometimes all day Wednesday,
00:10:44.572 --> 00:10:47.705
you keep thinking
it's Thursday.
00:10:47.775 --> 00:10:50.300
And it happens over
and over all day long.
00:10:50.378 --> 00:10:51.606
And then the next day,
00:10:51.679 --> 00:10:53.907
you're all right again.
00:10:56.283 --> 00:10:57.215
Did you ever find yourself
00:10:57.284 --> 00:10:59.582
standing in one of
the rooms in your house
00:10:59.653 --> 00:11:02.522
and you can't remember
why you went in there?
00:11:10.295 --> 00:11:12.688
And two words float
across your mind,
00:11:12.764 --> 00:11:15.161
Alzheimer's Disease?
00:11:18.336 --> 00:11:19.564
You ever been
talking to yourself
00:11:19.637 --> 00:11:20.899
and somebody comes in the room
00:11:20.972 --> 00:11:22.668
and you have to make
believe you were singing?
00:11:27.045 --> 00:11:27.509
And you hope to God
00:11:27.579 --> 00:11:29.676
the other person really
believes there's a song called
00:11:29.748 --> 00:11:32.377
What Does She Think
I Am, Some Kind of Putz?
00:11:34.353 --> 00:11:36.887
Little experiences
we've all had.
00:11:36.935 --> 00:11:39.448
You ever been sitting in a
railroad train in a station
00:11:39.524 --> 00:11:41.653
and there's another train
sitting right next to you
00:11:41.726 --> 00:11:43.185
and one of them starts to move
00:11:43.261 --> 00:11:45.095
and you can't tell
which one it is?
00:11:50.334 --> 00:11:52.996
How about when you're out on
a small boat on a windy day?
00:11:53.070 --> 00:11:54.462
You ever been out
rocking back and forth
00:11:54.538 --> 00:11:55.435
for three or four hours
00:11:55.507 --> 00:11:56.299
trying to keep
your balance,
00:11:56.300 --> 00:11:57.600
rough seas, little boat...
00:11:57.675 --> 00:11:58.637
Then you get
back into the shore
00:11:58.710 --> 00:11:59.774
and you're standing
on the dock
00:11:59.844 --> 00:12:01.268
and you could swear there
was something inside of you
00:12:01.346 --> 00:12:02.871
that was still
out there, rocking.
00:12:03.548 --> 00:12:04.674
Did you ever try
to pick up a suitcase
00:12:04.750 --> 00:12:06.378
you thought was
full, but it wasn't?
00:12:08.053 --> 00:12:09.214
And you go brooom.
00:12:09.988 --> 00:12:11.646
And for just a split second,
00:12:11.723 --> 00:12:13.325
you feel really strong.
00:12:16.395 --> 00:12:19.025
How about when you look
through a chain link fence?
00:12:19.297 --> 00:12:21.121
Did you ever notice if
you're just the right distance
00:12:21.198 --> 00:12:22.357
from a chain link fence,
00:12:22.434 --> 00:12:25.363
sometimes it seems
to go: doowoowoo?
00:12:26.137 --> 00:12:27.237
What is that?
00:12:27.806 --> 00:12:29.633
How do they do that?
00:12:31.810 --> 00:12:32.938
Did you ever try
to tell somebody
00:12:33.011 --> 00:12:34.877
they have a little bit
of dirt on their face?
00:12:35.847 --> 00:12:38.245
You can never get them to
rub the right spot, can you?
00:12:39.718 --> 00:12:42.910
Say: "You got a little
bit of dirt right here."
00:12:43.088 --> 00:12:45.553
They always go "Where, here?"
00:12:47.625 --> 00:12:49.828
And you just want
to slap the bastard.
00:13:02.072 --> 00:13:04.340
Did you ever notice
how awful your face looks
00:13:04.408 --> 00:13:05.739
in a mirror in a restroom
00:13:05.809 --> 00:13:07.571
that has florescent lights?
00:13:08.645 --> 00:13:11.645
Every cut, scrape, scratch,
scar, scab, bruise, boil,
00:13:11.714 --> 00:13:13.741
bump, pimple, zit,
wart, welt and abscess
00:13:13.816 --> 00:13:14.607
you've had since birth
00:13:15.886 --> 00:13:18.078
all seem to come
back at the same time.
00:13:18.857 --> 00:13:19.781
And all you can think of is
00:13:19.858 --> 00:13:21.883
I got to get the
fuck out of here!
00:13:27.503 --> 00:13:28.637
Did you ever
notice, sometimes
00:13:28.710 --> 00:13:31.261
when you're walking with
your arm around your date,
00:13:31.340 --> 00:13:33.842
one of you has to change
the way you're walking?
00:13:35.010 --> 00:13:36.707
Men and women
don't walk the same.
00:13:36.778 --> 00:13:38.343
One of them has to change.
00:13:38.413 --> 00:13:40.647
Either the man
has to walk like this.
00:13:45.587 --> 00:13:47.917
Or the woman
has to walk like this.
00:13:50.992 --> 00:13:52.525
Joey, how are you?
00:13:57.830 --> 00:13:59.595
How about when you're
going up a flight of stairs
00:13:59.666 --> 00:14:01.227
and you think
there's one more step,
00:14:03.103 --> 00:14:04.965
and you go harghh.
00:14:06.239 --> 00:14:08.774
And then you have to kind of
keep doing that, you know,
00:14:09.542 --> 00:14:10.302
so people will think
00:14:10.376 --> 00:14:12.177
it's something
you do all the time.
00:14:12.946 --> 00:14:14.476
I do this all the time.
00:14:16.048 --> 00:14:18.279
It's the third
stage of syphilis.
00:14:23.189 --> 00:14:25.389
Same thing happens when
you're going down the stairs.
00:14:25.725 --> 00:14:27.556
You could swear there
was one more step.
00:14:30.529 --> 00:14:31.593
Holy shit.
00:14:32.565 --> 00:14:34.195
My hips are in my chest.
00:14:47.875 --> 00:14:50.036
When you drink grapefruit
juice in the morning,
00:14:50.110 --> 00:14:51.176
do you go like this...
00:14:55.847 --> 00:14:57.538
I do, too.
00:14:57.616 --> 00:14:59.579
Why do we drink it?
00:15:01.053 --> 00:15:03.051
It's like ice cream throat.
00:15:03.522 --> 00:15:05.289
You know when you've been
eating ice cream too fast
00:15:05.356 --> 00:15:07.424
and you get that frozen spot
on the back of your throat,
00:15:07.473 --> 00:15:08.524
but you can't do
anything about it
00:15:08.593 --> 00:15:09.717
cause you can't
reach it to rub it?
00:15:09.994 --> 00:15:11.794
You just have to kind of
wait for it to go away,
00:15:12.064 --> 00:15:13.261
and it does.
00:15:13.432 --> 00:15:14.426
Then what do you do?
00:15:14.700 --> 00:15:16.591
Eat more ice cream!
00:15:16.968 --> 00:15:19.137
What are we, fucking stupid?
00:15:24.775 --> 00:15:27.275
Did you ever fall asleep
in the late afternoon
00:15:27.548 --> 00:15:29.040
and wake up after dark
00:15:29.216 --> 00:15:31.243
and you don't know
what goddamn day it is?
00:15:37.858 --> 00:15:39.419
Like when you have
your head on the pillow.
00:15:39.493 --> 00:15:41.256
Did you ever notice when you
have your head on the pillow,
00:15:41.329 --> 00:15:42.129
if you close the...
00:15:42.230 --> 00:15:45.230
if you close the bottom eye,
the pillow is down there?
00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:47.558
Then if you switch eyes,
00:15:47.634 --> 00:15:49.196
the pillow moves up there.
00:15:50.170 --> 00:15:52.834
Oh, holy shit,
Dave, look at this.
00:15:54.508 --> 00:15:56.641
The mystery of
the moving pillow.
00:15:57.511 --> 00:15:58.505
I think it's related to
00:15:58.579 --> 00:16:02.406
the chain link fence
mystery myself, doowoowoo.
00:16:04.388 --> 00:16:07.687
Did you ever have to sneeze
while you're taking a piss?
00:16:10.361 --> 00:16:11.887
It's frightening, isn't it?
00:16:12.764 --> 00:16:15.266
It's frightening cause
actually, you can't do it.
00:16:15.835 --> 00:16:17.698
It's physically impossible
00:16:17.770 --> 00:16:19.634
to sneeze while pissing.
00:16:19.706 --> 00:16:21.570
Your brain won't
let it happen.
00:16:22.041 --> 00:16:24.767
Your brain says:
Stop pissing!
00:16:25.245 --> 00:16:27.937
We're going to sneeze now!
00:16:29.415 --> 00:16:30.449
Cause your brain knows
00:16:30.517 --> 00:16:33.509
you might blow
your asshole out.
00:16:46.303 --> 00:16:48.494
Something else
we have in common,
00:16:49.273 --> 00:16:51.405
flying on the airlines.
00:16:51.643 --> 00:16:54.235
And listening to the
airlines announcements
00:16:54.613 --> 00:16:56.581
and trying to pretend
to ourselves that
00:16:56.748 --> 00:16:59.682
the language they're using
is really English.
00:17:00.352 --> 00:17:01.914
Doesn't seem like it to me.
00:17:02.187 --> 00:17:03.814
Whole thing starts
when you get to the gate.
00:17:03.989 --> 00:17:05.247
First announcement:
00:17:05.424 --> 00:17:08.683
"We would like to begin
the boarding process."
00:17:08.962 --> 00:17:09.760
Extra word:
00:17:09.829 --> 00:17:10.659
"process",
00:17:10.730 --> 00:17:11.688
not necessary.
00:17:11.765 --> 00:17:12.857
"Boarding" is enough.
00:17:13.433 --> 00:17:15.094
"We'd like to
begin the boarding."
00:17:15.367 --> 00:17:16.834
Simple, tells the story.
00:17:17.704 --> 00:17:19.836
People add extra words when
they want things to sound
00:17:19.906 --> 00:17:21.896
more important
than they really are.
00:17:22.175 --> 00:17:23.643
Boarding process.
00:17:23.810 --> 00:17:25.037
Sounds important.
00:17:25.112 --> 00:17:26.005
It isn't.
00:17:27.481 --> 00:17:29.278
It's just a bunch of people
getting on an airplane.
00:17:30.351 --> 00:17:32.242
People like to
sound important.
00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:34.978
Weathermen on television
talk about shower activity.
00:17:36.557 --> 00:17:38.521
Sounds more
important than showers.
00:17:38.593 --> 00:17:40.055
I even heard one guy on CNN
00:17:40.127 --> 00:17:41.187
talk about a rain event.
00:17:42.163 --> 00:17:42.922
Swear to God.
00:17:42.997 --> 00:17:44.797
He said Louisiana's
expecting a rain event.
00:17:44.866 --> 00:17:45.698
I thought, holy shit,
00:17:45.767 --> 00:17:47.630
I hope I can
get tickets to that.
00:17:52.906 --> 00:17:54.997
"Emergency situation".
00:17:55.041 --> 00:17:56.965
News people like to say
police have responded
00:17:57.010 --> 00:17:58.620
to an emergency situation.
00:17:58.779 --> 00:17:59.560
No, they haven't.
00:17:59.679 --> 00:18:01.518
They're responded
to an emergency.
00:18:01.635 --> 00:18:03.963
We know it's a situation.
00:18:04.651 --> 00:18:07.199
Everything is a situation.
00:18:08.089 --> 00:18:10.055
Anyway, as part of
this boarding process,
00:18:10.425 --> 00:18:13.245
they say "we would
like to pre-board".
00:18:14.331 --> 00:18:16.395
What exactly is that, anyway?
00:18:17.006 --> 00:18:18.104
What does it
mean to pre-board,
00:18:18.171 --> 00:18:19.545
you get on before
you get on?
00:18:21.994 --> 00:18:23.518
That's another
complaint of mine,
00:18:23.629 --> 00:18:25.575
too much use
of this prefix "pre".
00:18:25.675 --> 00:18:28.164
It's all over the language
now, pre-this, pre-that.
00:18:28.311 --> 00:18:29.474
Place the turkey
in a pre-heated oven.
00:18:29.546 --> 00:18:30.333
It's ridiculous!
00:18:30.447 --> 00:18:33.087
There are only two states an
oven can possibly exist in,
00:18:33.216 --> 00:18:34.876
heated or unheated.
00:18:35.500 --> 00:18:37.838
Pre-heated is a
meaningless fucking term.
00:18:38.856 --> 00:18:39.980
It's like pre-recorded.
00:18:40.057 --> 00:18:41.319
"This program
was pre-recorded."
00:18:41.391 --> 00:18:42.449
Well, of course
it was pre-recorded.
00:18:42.526 --> 00:18:44.729
When else you going to
record it, afterwards?
00:18:46.129 --> 00:18:47.818
That's the whole
purpose of recording,
00:18:47.898 --> 00:18:49.094
to do it beforehand.
00:18:49.733 --> 00:18:51.129
Otherwise, it doesn't
really work, does it?
00:18:54.074 --> 00:18:55.236
Pre-existing,
00:18:55.324 --> 00:18:56.161
pre-planning,
00:18:56.199 --> 00:18:57.414
pre-screening.
00:18:57.499 --> 00:18:58.774
You what I tell these people?
00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:01.664
Pre-suck my genital situation.
00:19:10.749 --> 00:19:12.875
And they seem to understand
what I'm talking about.
00:19:13.824 --> 00:19:14.822
Anyway, as part
of this pre-boarding,
00:19:14.894 --> 00:19:18.619
they say "we would like to
pre-board those passengers
00:19:18.629 --> 00:19:20.630
traveling with small children."
00:19:20.866 --> 00:19:21.960
Well, what about
those passengers
00:19:22.001 --> 00:19:23.262
traveling with large children?
00:19:24.168 --> 00:19:25.125
Suppose you have
a two-year-old
00:19:25.144 --> 00:19:26.338
with a pituitary disorder?
00:19:27.564 --> 00:19:28.893
You know, a six-foot infant
00:19:28.924 --> 00:19:30.261
with an oversized head,
00:19:31.459 --> 00:19:32.199
the kind of kid you see
00:19:32.263 --> 00:19:33.794
in the "National Inquirer"
all the time.
00:19:34.584 --> 00:19:35.673
Actually, with
a kid like that,
00:19:35.811 --> 00:19:36.914
I think you're better off
checking him right in
00:19:36.919 --> 00:19:38.406
with your luggage
at the curb, don't you?
00:19:39.362 --> 00:19:40.603
Well, they like
it under there.
00:19:40.625 --> 00:19:41.314
It's dark.
00:19:41.324 --> 00:19:42.412
They're used to that.
00:19:43.399 --> 00:19:44.001
About this time,
00:19:44.099 --> 00:19:45.531
someone is telling you
to get on the plane.
00:19:45.574 --> 00:19:46.348
"Get on the plane."
00:19:46.361 --> 00:19:47.071
"Get on the plane."
00:19:47.271 --> 00:19:48.395
I say fuck you,
00:19:48.404 --> 00:19:50.337
I'm getting IN the plane.
00:19:51.938 --> 00:19:52.977
IN the plane!
00:19:56.520 --> 00:19:59.609
Let Evel Kneivel
get ON the plane.
00:20:00.324 --> 00:20:02.524
I'll be in here with
you folks in uniform.
00:20:03.294 --> 00:20:06.052
There seems to be
less wind in here.
00:20:09.916 --> 00:20:10.814
They might tell you
00:20:10.834 --> 00:20:12.644
you're on a non-stop flight.
00:20:16.161 --> 00:20:17.664
Well, I don't think
I care for that.
00:20:18.575 --> 00:20:21.134
No, I insist that
my flights stop,
00:20:22.440 --> 00:20:24.107
preferably at an airport.
00:20:25.166 --> 00:20:26.599
It's those sudden unscheduled
00:20:26.667 --> 00:20:28.766
cornfield and housing
development stops
00:20:29.503 --> 00:20:31.859
that seem to interrupt
the flow of my day.
00:20:35.776 --> 00:20:37.375
Here's one they just made up,
00:20:37.912 --> 00:20:39.305
near miss.
00:20:40.681 --> 00:20:42.401
When two planes
almost collide,
00:20:42.616 --> 00:20:44.191
they call it a near miss.
00:20:44.279 --> 00:20:45.834
It's a near hit!
00:20:47.117 --> 00:20:49.854
A collision is a near miss.
00:20:50.471 --> 00:20:51.761
Boom.
00:20:52.171 --> 00:20:54.281
Look, they nearly missed.
00:21:04.639 --> 00:21:07.389
Yes, but not quite.
00:21:11.800 --> 00:21:13.761
They might tell you your
flight has been delayed
00:21:13.835 --> 00:21:15.503
because of a
change of equipment.
00:21:15.571 --> 00:21:18.768
Broken plane!
00:21:20.027 --> 00:21:21.905
Tell me to put
my seat back forward.
00:21:24.504 --> 00:21:26.114
Well, I don't bend that way.
00:21:26.695 --> 00:21:28.034
If I could put my
seat back forward,
00:21:28.134 --> 00:21:29.484
I'd be in porno movies.
00:21:33.394 --> 00:21:35.089
Then they mention
"carry on" luggage.
00:21:35.162 --> 00:21:36.086
First time I heard "carrion",
00:21:36.134 --> 00:21:37.929
I thought they were going to
bring a dead deer on board.
00:21:38.499 --> 00:21:39.291
I thought what the hell
do they need with that.
00:21:39.367 --> 00:21:41.205
Don't they have the
little TV dinners anymore?
00:21:41.663 --> 00:21:43.588
Then I thought
carry on, carry on,
00:21:43.644 --> 00:21:44.751
there's going to be a party.
00:21:44.809 --> 00:21:47.426
People are going to be
carrying on, on the plane.
00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:49.076
Well, I don't care for that.
00:21:49.144 --> 00:21:51.169
I like a serious
attitude on the plane,
00:21:51.246 --> 00:21:53.259
especially on the flight deck
00:21:53.414 --> 00:21:56.378
which is the latest
euphemism for cockpit.
00:21:57.753 --> 00:21:59.118
Can't imagine why they
wouldn't want to use
00:21:59.188 --> 00:22:01.566
a lovely word like
cockpit, can you?
00:22:02.157 --> 00:22:03.414
Especially with
all those stewardesses
00:22:03.489 --> 00:22:04.885
going in and out
of it all the time.
00:22:12.397 --> 00:22:13.591
There's a word that's changed,
00:22:13.665 --> 00:22:14.317
Stewardess.
00:22:14.384 --> 00:22:15.395
First, it was Hostess,
00:22:15.505 --> 00:22:16.214
then Stewardess,
00:22:16.369 --> 00:22:17.777
now, it's flight attendant.
00:22:17.816 --> 00:22:18.774
You know what I call em?
00:22:18.929 --> 00:22:20.754
The lady on the plane.
00:22:21.343 --> 00:22:23.085
Sometimes it's a
man on the plane now.
00:22:23.189 --> 00:22:23.988
That's good, equality,
00:22:24.074 --> 00:22:25.417
I am all in favor of that.
00:22:26.044 --> 00:22:28.872
Sometimes, they actually
refer to these people as
00:22:29.401 --> 00:22:31.809
uniformed crew members.
00:22:32.262 --> 00:22:33.384
Uniformed.
00:22:33.397 --> 00:22:34.774
As opposed to that guy
sitting next to you
00:22:34.791 --> 00:22:35.805
in the Grateful Dead tee shirt
00:22:35.921 --> 00:22:36.919
and the "Fuck You" hat,
00:22:40.067 --> 00:22:40.879
who's working on his
00:22:40.958 --> 00:22:43.613
ninth little bottle
of Kaluha, I might add.
00:22:46.114 --> 00:22:48.195
As soon as they close
the door to the aircraft,
00:22:48.257 --> 00:22:50.664
that's when they begin
the safety lecture.
00:22:50.837 --> 00:22:53.499
I love the safety lecture.
00:22:53.834 --> 00:22:55.779
This is my favorite part
of the airplane ride.
00:22:56.039 --> 00:22:58.001
I listen very carefully
to the safety lecture,
00:22:58.345 --> 00:23:00.174
especially that part
where they teach us
00:23:00.217 --> 00:23:02.237
how to use the seat belt.
00:23:03.477 --> 00:23:04.209
Imagine this.
00:23:04.401 --> 00:23:07.268
Here we are, a plane full
of grown human beings,
00:23:07.571 --> 00:23:09.587
many of us
partially educated,
00:23:10.514 --> 00:23:11.757
and they're actually
taking time out
00:23:11.926 --> 00:23:15.195
to describe the intricate
workings of a belt buckle.
00:23:16.601 --> 00:23:21.574
Place the small metal
flap into the buckle.
00:23:21.749 --> 00:23:24.539
Well, I ask for
clarification at that point.
00:23:27.641 --> 00:23:30.194
Over here, please.
Over here. Yes.
00:23:30.312 --> 00:23:31.064
Thank you very much.
00:23:31.246 --> 00:23:32.639
Did I hear you correctly?
00:23:33.114 --> 00:23:35.337
Did you say place
the small metal flap
00:23:35.464 --> 00:23:36.424
into the buckle
00:23:36.791 --> 00:23:38.299
or place the buckle
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:40.564
over and around
the small metal flap?
00:23:41.319 --> 00:23:42.174
I'm a simple man.
00:23:42.191 --> 00:23:43.614
I do not possess an
engineering degree
00:23:43.689 --> 00:23:44.923
nor am I
mechanically inclined.
00:23:45.764 --> 00:23:47.174
Sorry to have taken up
so much of your time.
00:23:47.214 --> 00:23:50.535
Please continue with the
wonderful safety lecture.
00:23:51.475 --> 00:23:54.163
Seat belts, high tech shit.
00:23:56.274 --> 00:23:58.557
The safety lecture continues.
00:23:58.559 --> 00:23:59.451
The next thing they do,
00:23:59.544 --> 00:24:02.911
they tell you to locate
your nearest emergency exit.
00:24:03.374 --> 00:24:05.144
I do this immediately.
00:24:09.088 --> 00:24:11.235
I locate my nearest
emergency exit
00:24:11.554 --> 00:24:12.735
and then I plan my route.
00:24:13.841 --> 00:24:14.941
You have to plan your route.
00:24:14.991 --> 00:24:16.366
It's not always a
straight line, is it?
00:24:16.587 --> 00:24:18.514
Sometimes there's
a really big fat fuck
00:24:18.591 --> 00:24:19.738
sitting right in front of you.
00:24:24.677 --> 00:24:26.184
Well, you know you'll
never get over him.
00:24:26.844 --> 00:24:29.054
I look around for women and
children, midgets and dwarfs,
00:24:29.114 --> 00:24:30.944
cripples, war widows,
paralyzed veterans,
00:24:31.192 --> 00:24:32.014
people with broken legs,
00:24:32.094 --> 00:24:33.628
anyone who looks like
they can't move too well.
00:24:34.601 --> 00:24:36.463
The emotionally disturbed
come in very handy
00:24:36.531 --> 00:24:37.497
at a time like this.
00:24:38.084 --> 00:24:39.688
You may have to go out of
your way to find these people,
00:24:39.703 --> 00:24:40.487
but you'll get
out of the plane
00:24:40.537 --> 00:24:42.056
a lot goddamn
quicker, believe me.
00:24:43.011 --> 00:24:44.020
I say let's see,
00:24:44.132 --> 00:24:45.713
I'll go around the fat fuck,
00:24:46.565 --> 00:24:47.905
step on the widow's head,
00:24:48.829 --> 00:24:50.441
push those children
out of the way,
00:24:50.616 --> 00:24:52.467
knock down the
paralyzed midget
00:24:53.929 --> 00:24:55.004
and get out of the plane
00:24:55.109 --> 00:24:56.877
where I can help others.
00:25:07.777 --> 00:25:09.174
I can be of no help to anyone
00:25:09.233 --> 00:25:10.760
if I'm lying
unconscious in the aisle
00:25:10.835 --> 00:25:12.938
with some big cock sucker
standing on my head.
00:25:13.791 --> 00:25:15.014
I must get out of the plane,
00:25:15.095 --> 00:25:16.441
go to a nearby farmhouse,
00:25:16.567 --> 00:25:17.584
have a Dr. Pepper,
00:25:17.609 --> 00:25:18.795
and call the police.
00:25:22.196 --> 00:25:24.524
The safety lecture continues.
00:25:25.254 --> 00:25:27.516
In the unlikely event...
00:25:28.364 --> 00:25:29.989
This is a very suspect phrase.
00:25:31.002 --> 00:25:32.533
Especially coming as
it does from an industry
00:25:32.621 --> 00:25:35.065
that is willing to lie about
arrival and departure times.
00:25:36.886 --> 00:25:38.765
In the unlikely event
00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:41.845
of a sudden change
in cabin pressure...
00:25:42.375 --> 00:25:44.187
Roof flies off!
00:25:48.789 --> 00:25:51.797
An oxygen mask will
drop down in front of you.
00:25:52.736 --> 00:25:56.600
Place the mask over your
face and breathe normally.
00:25:58.924 --> 00:26:00.220
Well, I have no
problem with that.
00:26:00.355 --> 00:26:01.394
I always breathe normally
00:26:01.414 --> 00:26:02.662
when I'm in a 600 mile an hour
00:26:02.700 --> 00:26:04.529
uncontrolled vertical dive.
00:26:06.777 --> 00:26:08.712
I also shit normally.
00:26:09.694 --> 00:26:11.633
Right in my pants!
00:26:17.624 --> 00:26:20.406
They tell you to
adjust your oxygen mask
00:26:20.554 --> 00:26:22.977
before helping
your child with his.
00:26:23.612 --> 00:26:27.042
I did not need
to be told that.
00:26:27.995 --> 00:26:29.264
In fact, I'm
probably going to be
00:26:29.275 --> 00:26:31.062
too busy screaming
to help him at all.
00:26:32.374 --> 00:26:35.744
This will be a good time for
him to learn self reliance.
00:26:37.227 --> 00:26:40.911
If he can program
his fucking VCR,
00:26:41.599 --> 00:26:42.593
he can goddamn jolly well
00:26:42.615 --> 00:26:44.236
learn to adjust
an oxygen mask.
00:26:45.148 --> 00:26:46.187
Fairly simple thing,
00:26:46.235 --> 00:26:48.368
just a little rubber band
in the back is all it is.
00:26:48.801 --> 00:26:51.417
Not nearly as complicated
as, say, for instance,
00:26:51.644 --> 00:26:53.006
a seat belt.
00:26:55.725 --> 00:26:57.979
The safety lecture continues.
00:26:58.785 --> 00:27:00.940
In the unlikely event
00:27:01.912 --> 00:27:03.521
of a water landing...
00:27:10.401 --> 00:27:15.628
Well, what exactly
is a "water landing"?
00:27:16.417 --> 00:27:19.521
Am I mistaken or does
this sound somewhat similar
00:27:19.583 --> 00:27:21.559
to crashing into the ocean?
00:27:26.535 --> 00:27:30.484
Your seat cushion can be
used as a flotation device.
00:27:31.275 --> 00:27:32.366
Well, imagine that!
00:27:33.467 --> 00:27:34.581
My seat cushion.
00:27:34.846 --> 00:27:36.234
Just what I need,
00:27:37.103 --> 00:27:40.197
to float around the North
Atlantic for several days
00:27:41.213 --> 00:27:43.963
clinging to a pillow
full of beer farts.
00:27:58.509 --> 00:27:58.891
Thank you.
00:28:01.446 --> 00:28:02.715
The flight continues,
00:28:02.847 --> 00:28:05.178
a little later on
toward the end, we hear
00:28:06.080 --> 00:28:10.322
"the captain has turned on
the fasten seat belt sign".
00:28:11.297 --> 00:28:14.214
Well, who gives a
shit who turned it on?
00:28:14.975 --> 00:28:16.697
What does that have
to do with anything?
00:28:17.021 --> 00:28:18.164
It's on, isn't it?
00:28:20.549 --> 00:28:27.127
And who made this man
a captain, might I ask?
00:28:27.518 --> 00:28:28.794
Did I sleep
through some sort of
00:28:28.805 --> 00:28:31.377
an Armed Forces swearing
in ceremony or something?
00:28:31.897 --> 00:28:35.110
Captain? He's a fucking pilot
and let him be happy with that.
00:28:35.925 --> 00:28:37.510
If those sightseeing
announcements
00:28:37.564 --> 00:28:38.819
are any mark of his intellect,
00:28:38.846 --> 00:28:40.730
he's lucky to
be working at all.
00:28:41.961 --> 00:28:43.217
Tell the captain
00:28:43.571 --> 00:28:46.831
Air Marshal Carlin
says go fuck yourself.
00:28:57.613 --> 00:28:59.023
The next sentence I hear
00:28:59.129 --> 00:29:02.160
is full of things
that piss me off.
00:29:03.170 --> 00:29:05.074
Before leaving the aircraft,
00:29:05.321 --> 00:29:08.477
please check around
your immediate seating area
00:29:08.764 --> 00:29:10.581
for any personal belongings
00:29:10.669 --> 00:29:12.761
you might have
brought on board.
00:29:13.717 --> 00:29:17.446
Well, let's start with
"immediate seating area".
00:29:18.717 --> 00:29:19.570
Seat!
00:29:20.917 --> 00:29:22.549
It's a goddamn seat.
00:29:23.520 --> 00:29:25.982
Check around your seat.
00:29:26.774 --> 00:29:29.174
"For any personal belongings".
00:29:29.850 --> 00:29:32.703
Well, what other kinds
of belongings are there,
00:29:33.214 --> 00:29:34.446
besides personal?
00:29:35.383 --> 00:29:37.008
Public belongings?
00:29:37.855 --> 00:29:39.703
Do these people honestly
think I might be traveling
00:29:39.777 --> 00:29:41.834
with a fountain
I stole from the park?
00:29:47.344 --> 00:29:50.041
"You might have
brought on board".
00:29:51.285 --> 00:29:51.799
Well,
00:29:53.345 --> 00:29:55.471
I might have brought
my arrowhead collection.
00:29:56.606 --> 00:29:57.545
I didn't,
00:29:58.197 --> 00:29:59.553
so I'm not going
to look for it.
00:30:00.902 --> 00:30:03.134
I am going to look for
things I brought on board.
00:30:03.781 --> 00:30:04.623
Which seem to enhance
00:30:04.630 --> 00:30:06.051
the likelihood of
my finding something,
00:30:06.074 --> 00:30:07.040
wouldn't you say?
00:30:11.635 --> 00:30:13.179
They tell me to return my
seat back and tray table
00:30:13.204 --> 00:30:14.675
to their original
upright positions.
00:30:14.888 --> 00:30:15.554
Fine.
00:30:15.612 --> 00:30:16.504
Who's going to
return this guy
00:30:16.581 --> 00:30:18.179
in the Grateful Dead
tee shirt and the "Fuck you" hat
00:30:18.276 --> 00:30:19.765
to his original
upright position?
00:30:23.999 --> 00:30:26.909
About this time, they tell
you you'll be landing shortly.
00:30:28.314 --> 00:30:30.163
That sound to you like we're
going to miss the runway?
00:30:31.499 --> 00:30:34.548
Final approach is not very
promising either, is it?
00:30:35.188 --> 00:30:38.879
Final is not a good word
to be using on an airplane.
00:30:39.681 --> 00:30:40.555
Sometimes the
pilot will get on,
00:30:40.691 --> 00:30:43.444
and he'll say we'll be on
the ground in 15 minutes.
00:30:44.917 --> 00:30:46.919
Well, that's a little
vague, isn't it?
00:30:50.435 --> 00:30:51.871
Now, we're taxiing in.
00:30:52.306 --> 00:30:56.714
She says welcome to
O'Hare International Airport.
00:30:57.523 --> 00:30:58.931
Well, how can someone
00:30:58.944 --> 00:31:00.825
who is just arriving herself
00:31:01.218 --> 00:31:04.192
possibly welcome me to a
place she isn't even at yet?
00:31:05.560 --> 00:31:06.565
Doesn't this...
00:31:06.983 --> 00:31:10.733
Doesn't this violate some
fundamental law of physics?
00:31:11.607 --> 00:31:13.204
We're only on the
ground four seconds
00:31:13.258 --> 00:31:15.754
and she's coming on like
the fucking mayor's wife.
00:31:19.255 --> 00:31:21.172
Where the local time...
00:31:21.975 --> 00:31:23.739
Well, of course,
it's the local time.
00:31:24.430 --> 00:31:25.572
What does she think
we're expecting,
00:31:25.690 --> 00:31:27.868
the time in Pango-Pango?
00:31:29.910 --> 00:31:32.121
Enjoy your stay in Chicago
00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:35.726
or wherever your final
destination might be.
00:31:39.406 --> 00:31:41.445
All destinations are final.
00:31:42.137 --> 00:31:44.384
That's what it means,
destiny, final.
00:31:44.940 --> 00:31:46.400
If you haven't gotten
where you're going,
00:31:46.809 --> 00:31:48.443
you aren't there yet.
00:31:54.192 --> 00:31:56.374
The captain has asked...
00:31:57.114 --> 00:31:59.415
More shit from
the bogus captain.
00:32:01.370 --> 00:32:03.206
You know, for someone who's
supposed to be flying an airplane,
00:32:03.254 --> 00:32:04.680
he's taking a
mighty big interest
00:32:04.727 --> 00:32:06.313
in what I'm doing back here.
00:32:09.405 --> 00:32:11.193
That you remain seated
00:32:11.449 --> 00:32:13.241
until he has
brought the aircraft
00:32:13.416 --> 00:32:15.234
to a complete stop.
00:32:16.163 --> 00:32:17.365
Not a partial stop
00:32:18.565 --> 00:32:19.563
cause during a partial stop,
00:32:19.633 --> 00:32:20.990
I partially get up.
00:32:24.293 --> 00:32:28.130
Continue to observe
the no smoking sign
00:32:28.337 --> 00:32:30.950
until well inside
the terminal.
00:32:31.643 --> 00:32:35.160
It's physically impossible to
observe the no smoking sign
00:32:35.413 --> 00:32:38.106
even if you're standing just
outside the door of the airplane
00:32:38.676 --> 00:32:40.610
much less well
inside the terminal.
00:32:40.841 --> 00:32:43.027
You can't even
see the fucking planes
00:32:43.106 --> 00:32:44.669
from well inside the terminal.
00:32:56.780 --> 00:32:59.712
Which brings me to "terminal",
00:33:01.363 --> 00:33:02.779
another unfortunate word
00:33:02.860 --> 00:33:05.117
to be used in
association with air travel.
00:33:05.846 --> 00:33:07.633
And they use it all over
the airport, don't they?
00:33:07.950 --> 00:33:09.367
Somehow I just
can't get hungry
00:33:09.554 --> 00:33:12.426
at a place called
the Terminal Snack Bar.
00:33:14.041 --> 00:33:15.131
But if you've
ever eaten there,
00:33:15.289 --> 00:33:17.497
you know it is an
appropriate name.
00:33:21.164 --> 00:33:21.606
Thank you.
00:33:26.057 --> 00:33:26.652
Thank you very much.
00:33:30.237 --> 00:33:30.766
Okay!
00:33:31.060 --> 00:33:31.412
Now...
00:33:32.245 --> 00:33:33.543
Speaking of places to eat...
00:33:34.083 --> 00:33:36.503
Places to eat and what
they're called or named,
00:33:36.954 --> 00:33:39.113
Beverly Hills has
a brand new restaurant
00:33:39.137 --> 00:33:41.225
specifically for
bulimia victims.
00:33:41.813 --> 00:33:43.453
It's called the
Scarf and Barf.
00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:46.870
Well, they were going to
call it the Fork and Bucket.
00:33:47.770 --> 00:33:49.838
Thank God good
taste prevailed.
00:33:50.474 --> 00:33:52.205
How about a
restaurant for anorexics?
00:33:52.705 --> 00:33:53.502
What would you call it?
00:33:53.996 --> 00:33:55.091
The Empty Plate,
00:33:56.498 --> 00:33:57.899
the Lonesome Chef,
00:33:58.569 --> 00:34:00.464
Start Without Me, Guys.
00:34:01.134 --> 00:34:03.341
See, somehow I can't
feel sorry for an anorexic,
00:34:03.448 --> 00:34:03.967
you know?
00:34:04.227 --> 00:34:05.246
Rich cunt, don't want to eat.
00:34:05.450 --> 00:34:06.476
Fuck her.
00:34:08.188 --> 00:34:09.079
Fuck her.
00:34:14.097 --> 00:34:15.914
Don't eat, I give a shit.
00:34:16.991 --> 00:34:18.688
Like I'm supposed to be
real concerned about this.
00:34:18.737 --> 00:34:20.887
I don't want to eat!
00:34:21.596 --> 00:34:22.972
Go fuck yourself.
00:34:25.533 --> 00:34:27.634
Why don't you lie down
in front of a railroad train
00:34:27.681 --> 00:34:29.146
right after you don't eat?
00:34:29.905 --> 00:34:31.610
What kind of a goddamned
disease is that anyway?
00:34:31.647 --> 00:34:33.904
I don't want to eat!
00:34:34.679 --> 00:34:37.127
How do we come up with
this shit in this country?
00:34:37.695 --> 00:34:39.253
Where do we get
our values from?
00:34:39.359 --> 00:34:41.925
Bulimia, there's another
all American desease.
00:34:42.170 --> 00:34:43.853
This has got to be the
only country in the world
00:34:43.913 --> 00:34:45.699
that could ever have
come up with bulimia.
00:34:45.830 --> 00:34:47.310
Got to be the only country
where some people
00:34:47.337 --> 00:34:49.511
are digging in the
dumpster for a peach pit.
00:34:49.940 --> 00:34:51.020
Other people eat a nice meal
00:34:51.152 --> 00:34:52.746
and puke it up intentionally.
00:34:53.610 --> 00:34:54.761
Where do we get
our values from?
00:34:54.938 --> 00:34:56.733
I do not
understand our values.
00:34:58.124 --> 00:35:00.235
By the way, speaking
of American values,
00:35:00.286 --> 00:35:02.826
aren't we about due to start
bombing some small country
00:35:02.930 --> 00:35:05.302
that only has a marginally
effective air force?
00:35:06.069 --> 00:35:07.561
Seems to me like we're a
couple of weeks overdue
00:35:07.718 --> 00:35:10.313
to drop high explosives
on helpless civilians,
00:35:10.579 --> 00:35:12.725
people who have no argument
with us whatsoever.
00:35:12.869 --> 00:35:15.070
I think we ought to be out there
doing what we do best, gang,
00:35:15.152 --> 00:35:17.835
making large holes in
other people's countries.
00:35:18.227 --> 00:35:21.173
I hate to be repetitious,
but we are a warlike lot.
00:35:21.223 --> 00:35:24.107
We can't stand not to be
fucking with somebody.
00:35:24.180 --> 00:35:26.408
We couldn't wait for that
cold war to be over, could we?
00:35:26.539 --> 00:35:27.967
Couldn't wait for that
cold war to be over so we
00:35:28.013 --> 00:35:29.682
could go and play with
our toys in the sand.
00:35:29.950 --> 00:35:31.651
Go play with our
toys in the sand.
00:35:32.137 --> 00:35:35.070
And when we're not invading
some sovereign nation
00:35:35.375 --> 00:35:38.690
or setting it on fire from
the air, which is more fun
00:35:38.737 --> 00:35:41.042
for a Nintendo pilot, then...
00:35:41.479 --> 00:35:44.531
then we're usually declaring
war on something here at home.
00:35:44.577 --> 00:35:45.457
Did you ever notice
that about us?
00:35:45.533 --> 00:35:48.222
We love to declare war
on things here in America.
00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:49.746
Anything we don't
like about ourselves,
00:35:49.826 --> 00:35:51.045
we have to declare war on it.
00:35:51.265 --> 00:35:52.277
We don't do
anything about it.
00:35:52.445 --> 00:35:53.850
We just declare war on it.
00:35:54.096 --> 00:35:55.580
It's the only metaphor...
00:35:55.758 --> 00:35:58.096
The only metaphor we
have in our public discourse
00:35:58.310 --> 00:35:59.143
for solving problems:
00:35:59.268 --> 00:35:59.973
Declaring war!
00:36:00.101 --> 00:36:02.073
We have to declare war on everything!
We have the war on crime,
00:36:02.097 --> 00:36:03.602
the war on poverty, the war on litter,
00:36:03.669 --> 00:36:04.406
the war on cancer,
00:36:04.541 --> 00:36:05.469
the war on drugs.
00:36:05.678 --> 00:36:06.533
But you ever notice
00:36:06.718 --> 00:36:08.635
we got no war on
homelessness, ahn?
00:36:08.930 --> 00:36:09.994
No war on homelessness.
00:36:10.043 --> 00:36:10.730
Do you know why?
00:36:10.800 --> 00:36:12.474
There's no money
in that problem.
00:36:13.097 --> 00:36:16.039
No money to be made
off of the homeless.
00:36:16.424 --> 00:36:17.974
If you could find a solution...
00:36:18.109 --> 00:36:19.571
If you could find a
solution to homelessness
00:36:19.612 --> 00:36:22.255
where the corporate swine,
and the politicians
00:36:22.303 --> 00:36:23.888
could steal a couple
of million dollars each,
00:36:24.078 --> 00:36:26.007
you'd see the streets of
America begin to clear up
00:36:26.057 --> 00:36:28.182
pretty goddamn quick,
I'll guarantee you that!
00:36:28.347 --> 00:36:30.013
I will guarantee you that!
00:36:30.500 --> 00:36:31.023
Yeah!
00:36:33.147 --> 00:36:33.750
I got...
00:36:37.242 --> 00:36:38.583
I got an idea, you know
what they oughta do?
00:36:38.763 --> 00:36:41.477
Give the homeless
their own magazine.
00:36:42.151 --> 00:36:43.047
Give their own magazine.
00:36:43.131 --> 00:36:44.922
It'll make them feel
better for one thing.
00:36:45.385 --> 00:36:47.672
That's a sure sign of
making it in this country.
00:36:47.730 --> 00:36:48.897
Every group in this country
00:36:48.950 --> 00:36:50.600
that arrives at
a certain level
00:36:50.680 --> 00:36:52.203
has its own magazine.
00:36:52.303 --> 00:36:54.010
We have Working
Mother Magazine,
00:36:54.102 --> 00:36:55.996
Black Entrepreneur Magazine,
00:36:56.029 --> 00:36:57.742
Hispanic Business Magazine.
00:36:57.852 --> 00:36:59.714
In fact, any activity,
00:36:59.933 --> 00:37:01.339
any activity engaged in
00:37:01.439 --> 00:37:03.447
by more than four
people in this country
00:37:03.837 --> 00:37:05.570
has got a fucking
magazine devoted to it.
00:37:06.382 --> 00:37:07.097
Sky-diving,
00:37:07.221 --> 00:37:08.022
snowmobiling,
00:37:08.140 --> 00:37:08.875
backpacking,
00:37:08.931 --> 00:37:09.677
mountain climbing,
00:37:09.751 --> 00:37:10.998
bungee jumping,
00:37:11.328 --> 00:37:12.127
skeet shooting,
00:37:12.128 --> 00:37:12.847
duck hunting,
00:37:12.910 --> 00:37:13.993
jerking off, playing pool,
00:37:14.110 --> 00:37:16.208
shooting someone in the
asshole with a dart gun...
00:37:16.771 --> 00:37:18.420
They probably got a
fucking magazine for that!
00:37:19.093 --> 00:37:21.542
Walking!
For Christ's sakes!
00:37:21.813 --> 00:37:23.906
Walking!
00:37:24.364 --> 00:37:28.063
There's actually a fucking
magazine called "Walking"!
00:37:29.142 --> 00:37:32.679
Look, Dan, the new
"Walking" is out.
00:37:34.151 --> 00:37:35.280
Here's a good article,
00:37:35.393 --> 00:37:37.571
Putting One Foot
in Front of the Other.
00:37:39.182 --> 00:37:40.707
Give them their own magazine.
00:37:41.752 --> 00:37:43.229
Give them their own magazine.
00:37:46.389 --> 00:37:48.058
You know what you'd call a
magazine for the homeless?
00:37:48.105 --> 00:37:49.823
"Better Crates and Cartons".
00:37:51.598 --> 00:37:53.200
Yeah! Then when they
get finished reading it,
00:37:53.247 --> 00:37:55.335
they can use it to
line their clothing.
00:37:55.753 --> 00:37:58.345
That's a good sound
business solution, isn't?
00:37:58.473 --> 00:37:59.297
That's the kind
of answer you get
00:37:59.369 --> 00:38:01.523
from a conservative
American businessman,
00:38:01.538 --> 00:38:02.946
who's gonna say:
"Yeah, let them read it.
00:38:03.007 --> 00:38:03.765
When they get
finished reading it,
00:38:03.801 --> 00:38:06.008
they can use it to plug up
the holes in them piano crates
00:38:06.035 --> 00:38:07.752
they all seem
to like to live in."
00:38:08.016 --> 00:38:09.347
A good sound, practical,
00:38:09.598 --> 00:38:14.712
conservative American
business solution.
00:38:14.944 --> 00:38:17.094
I got an idea about homelessness.
You know what we oughta do?
00:38:17.577 --> 00:38:19.675
Change the name of it.
Change the name.
00:38:19.731 --> 00:38:21.034
It's not homelessness.
00:38:21.261 --> 00:38:22.385
It's houselessness!
00:38:22.677 --> 00:38:24.279
It's houses these people need.
00:38:24.703 --> 00:38:26.397
A home is an abstract idea.
00:38:26.505 --> 00:38:27.502
A home is a setting.
00:38:27.565 --> 00:38:28.537
It's a state of mind.
00:38:28.752 --> 00:38:29.833
These people need houses,
00:38:30.013 --> 00:38:31.904
physical, tangible structures.
00:38:31.953 --> 00:38:33.753
They need low-cost housing!
00:38:33.835 --> 00:38:34.784
But where you
gonna to put it?
00:38:35.204 --> 00:38:36.630
That's fine, but
where you gonna put it?
00:38:36.717 --> 00:38:37.222
Where are you gonna put it?
00:38:37.231 --> 00:38:40.866
Nobody wants you to build low
cost housing near their house.
00:38:41.117 --> 00:38:42.298
People don't
want it near them.
00:38:42.507 --> 00:38:43.430
We got something
in this country.
00:38:43.471 --> 00:38:44.944
You've heard of it,
it's called "nimby",
00:38:45.028 --> 00:38:48.085
N-l-M-B-Y,
"Not In My Back Yard!"
00:38:48.820 --> 00:38:51.453
People don't want anything,
any kind of social help
00:38:51.547 --> 00:38:53.090
located anywhere near them.
00:38:53.185 --> 00:38:54.936
You try to open up
a halfway house,
00:38:55.173 --> 00:38:57.994
try to open up a drug rehab
or an alcohol rehab center,
00:38:58.049 --> 00:38:59.537
try to do a homeless
shelter somewhere,
00:38:59.605 --> 00:39:01.829
try to open up a little home
for some retarded people
00:39:01.957 --> 00:39:03.451
who want to work their
way into the community,
00:39:03.542 --> 00:39:05.804
people say: "Not
in my back yard!"
00:39:06.095 --> 00:39:07.581
People don't want
anything near them,
00:39:08.125 --> 00:39:10.838
especially if it might
help somebody else.
00:39:11.188 --> 00:39:13.419
Part of the great American
spirit of generosity
00:39:13.527 --> 00:39:14.254
we hear about.
00:39:14.286 --> 00:39:14.746
Prrrr.
00:39:15.247 --> 00:39:15.744
Prrrr.
00:39:16.300 --> 00:39:18.261
Great generous
American spirit!
00:39:18.761 --> 00:39:20.644
You can ask an
indian about that!
00:39:20.897 --> 00:39:21.733
Ask an Indian about...
00:39:21.767 --> 00:39:23.119
if you can find one.
00:39:23.739 --> 00:39:25.038
You got to locate
the Indian first.
00:39:25.109 --> 00:39:27.379
We've made him just
a little difficult to find.
00:39:27.578 --> 00:39:28.565
Or if you need current data,
00:39:28.784 --> 00:39:30.764
select a black family
at random and ask them
00:39:30.871 --> 00:39:32.997
how generous
America has been to them.
00:39:33.037 --> 00:39:34.627
People don't want
anything near them,
00:39:34.916 --> 00:39:36.546
even if it's something
they believe in,
00:39:36.861 --> 00:39:39.191
something they think
society needs, like prisons.
00:39:39.317 --> 00:39:40.747
Everybody wants
more prisons, right?
00:39:40.826 --> 00:39:43.918
Everybody wants more prisons.
People say: "Build more prisons!"
00:39:44.855 --> 00:39:46.073
"But not here."
00:39:47.329 --> 00:39:48.272
Well, why not? What's wrong?
00:39:48.475 --> 00:39:49.148
What's the problem?
00:39:49.469 --> 00:39:51.136
What's wrong with having a
prison in your neighborhood?
00:39:51.270 --> 00:39:52.189
It seems to me
like it would make it
00:39:52.220 --> 00:39:54.161
a pretty crime free
area, don't you think?
00:39:54.737 --> 00:39:56.750
You think a lot of crack heads,
and pimps, and hookers,
00:39:56.872 --> 00:39:57.897
and thieves are
gonna be hanging around
00:39:57.966 --> 00:39:59.096
in front of a fucking prison?
00:39:59.932 --> 00:40:00.367
Bullshit!
00:40:00.459 --> 00:40:01.836
They ain't coming
anywhere near them!
00:40:02.286 --> 00:40:03.145
What's wrong
with these people?
00:40:03.215 --> 00:40:05.163
All the criminals are
locked up behind the walls.
00:40:05.207 --> 00:40:06.401
And if a couple
of them do break out,
00:40:06.440 --> 00:40:07.282
what do you think
they're going to do?
00:40:07.362 --> 00:40:09.008
Hang around,
00:40:09.993 --> 00:40:11.851
check real estate trends?
00:40:12.168 --> 00:40:14.877
Bullshit!
They're fucking gone!
00:40:15.372 --> 00:40:16.863
That's the whole idea
of breaking out of prison,
00:40:16.927 --> 00:40:19.377
is to get the fuck as far
away as you possibly can!
00:40:20.963 --> 00:40:22.936
"Not in my back yard!"
00:40:23.590 --> 00:40:25.673
People don't want
anything near them.
00:40:26.611 --> 00:40:28.139
Except military bases.
00:40:28.735 --> 00:40:30.456
They don't mind that,
do they? They like that!
00:40:30.610 --> 00:40:32.094
Give them an army base,
give them a navy base.
00:40:32.177 --> 00:40:33.834
Makes them happy.
Why? Jobs!
00:40:34.153 --> 00:40:35.933
Jobs! Self interest.
00:40:36.051 --> 00:40:38.014
Even if the base is loaded
with nuclear weapons,
00:40:38.088 --> 00:40:38.840
they don't give a fuck!
00:40:39.740 --> 00:40:40.279
They say: "Well,
00:40:40.390 --> 00:40:42.399
I'll take a little
radiation if I can get a job."
00:40:43.426 --> 00:40:45.347
Working people have
been fucked over so long
00:40:45.397 --> 00:40:47.317
in this country those
are the kind of decisions
00:40:47.360 --> 00:40:48.264
they're left to make!
00:40:48.727 --> 00:40:51.560
I got just the place
for low cost housing.
00:40:51.634 --> 00:40:53.305
I have solved this problem!
00:40:53.664 --> 00:40:56.149
I know where we can build
housing for the homeless.
00:40:56.585 --> 00:40:58.010
Golf courses!
00:40:59.110 --> 00:40:59.967
Perfect!
00:41:00.562 --> 00:41:02.082
Golf courses!
00:41:03.625 --> 00:41:04.954
Just what we need.
00:41:06.455 --> 00:41:07.783
Just what we need.
00:41:08.214 --> 00:41:10.977
Plenty of good land,
in nice neighborhoods,
00:41:11.511 --> 00:41:13.322
land that is
currently being wasted
00:41:13.405 --> 00:41:15.477
on a meaningless,
mindless activity
00:41:16.222 --> 00:41:20.709
engaged in...
engaged in primarily by white,
00:41:21.002 --> 00:41:22.774
well-to-do, male businessmen
00:41:22.852 --> 00:41:24.652
who use the game to get
together to make deals
00:41:24.742 --> 00:41:25.779
to carve this country up
00:41:25.930 --> 00:41:27.521
a little finer
among themselves.
00:41:27.589 --> 00:41:28.915
I am getting tired,
00:41:29.505 --> 00:41:32.251
really getting tired
00:41:32.837 --> 00:41:35.317
of these golfing cocksuckers
00:41:36.326 --> 00:41:37.911
in their green pants
00:41:38.070 --> 00:41:39.535
and their yellow pants
00:41:39.552 --> 00:41:40.754
and their orange pants
00:41:40.792 --> 00:41:42.243
and their precious little hats
00:41:42.575 --> 00:41:44.063
and their cute
little golf carts.
00:41:44.331 --> 00:41:47.421
It is time to reclaim the
golf courses from the wealthy
00:41:47.519 --> 00:41:48.683
and turn them over
to the homeless.
00:41:48.755 --> 00:41:51.040
Golf is an arrogant,
elitist game,
00:41:51.125 --> 00:41:53.364
and it takes up
entirely too much room
00:41:53.454 --> 00:41:54.582
in this country,
00:41:54.813 --> 00:41:57.862
too much room
in this country!
00:42:05.576 --> 00:42:09.274
It is... It is
an arrogant game
00:42:09.382 --> 00:42:11.253
on it's very design alone.
00:42:11.409 --> 00:42:13.840
Just the design of the
game speaks of arrogance.
00:42:13.907 --> 00:42:15.631
Think of how big
a golf course is.
00:42:16.231 --> 00:42:17.985
The ball is that fucking big.
00:42:18.850 --> 00:42:21.823
What do these pinheaded pricks
need with all that land?
00:42:22.150 --> 00:42:25.076
There are over 17,000
golf courses in America.
00:42:25.180 --> 00:42:27.669
They average over
150 acres apiece.
00:42:27.699 --> 00:42:29.251
That's 3 million plus acres.
00:42:29.417 --> 00:42:31.293
4,820 square miles.
00:42:31.355 --> 00:42:32.376
You could build
two Rhode Islands
00:42:32.494 --> 00:42:33.811
and a Delaware
for the homeless
00:42:34.409 --> 00:42:36.121
on the land currently
being wasted in this
00:42:36.169 --> 00:42:39.189
meaningless, mindless,
arrogant, elitist, racist,
00:42:39.241 --> 00:42:40.023
there's another thing.
00:42:40.176 --> 00:42:41.973
The only blacks you
will find in country clubs
00:42:42.086 --> 00:42:43.218
are carrying trays.
00:42:43.385 --> 00:42:46.155
And a boring game!
Boring game,
00:42:46.242 --> 00:42:47.412
for boring people.
00:42:47.704 --> 00:42:49.026
Did you ever watch
golf on television?
00:42:49.069 --> 00:42:51.222
It's like watching flies fuck.
00:42:54.025 --> 00:42:56.654
And... and a mindless
game, mindless!
00:42:56.829 --> 00:42:58.463
Think of the
intellect it must take
00:42:58.687 --> 00:43:00.643
to draw pleasure
from this activity,
00:43:01.282 --> 00:43:03.248
hitting a ball
with a crooked stick
00:43:04.385 --> 00:43:07.000
and then walking after it.
00:43:08.462 --> 00:43:11.439
And then hitting it again!
00:43:11.840 --> 00:43:12.826
I say pick it up, asshole!
00:43:12.876 --> 00:43:14.371
You're lucky you
found the fucking thing!
00:43:15.279 --> 00:43:16.899
Put it in your pocket
and go the fuck home.
00:43:16.943 --> 00:43:18.973
You're a winner.
You're a winner!
00:43:19.089 --> 00:43:19.885
You found it!
00:43:19.949 --> 00:43:20.633
No!
00:43:24.390 --> 00:43:25.119
Never happen.
00:43:26.520 --> 00:43:27.049
No!
00:43:27.719 --> 00:43:28.937
No chance of that happening.
00:43:29.254 --> 00:43:32.425
Dorko in the plaid knickers
is going to hit it again
00:43:32.592 --> 00:43:33.715
and walk some more.
00:43:34.058 --> 00:43:36.978
Let these rich cock suckers
play miniature golf.
00:43:38.079 --> 00:43:41.102
Let them fuck with a windmill
for an hour and a half or so.
00:43:41.519 --> 00:43:44.109
See if there's any real
skill among these people.
00:43:44.842 --> 00:43:46.980
Now, I know there are
some people who play golf
00:43:47.246 --> 00:43:48.746
who don't consider
themselves rich.
00:43:49.092 --> 00:43:50.305
Fuck them!
00:43:51.376 --> 00:43:52.809
And shame on them
00:43:53.302 --> 00:43:56.539
for engaging in an
arrogant, elitist pastime.
00:43:56.945 --> 00:43:58.282
Hey, here's another place
00:43:58.355 --> 00:43:59.959
we could put some
low-cost housing:
00:44:00.749 --> 00:44:02.030
Cemeteries!
00:44:03.165 --> 00:44:05.659
There's another idea
whose time has passed.
00:44:05.945 --> 00:44:09.137
Saving all the dead people at
for one part of town?
00:44:09.658 --> 00:44:11.680
What the hell kind of a
medieval, superstitious,
00:44:11.721 --> 00:44:13.290
religious bullshit
idea is that?
00:44:13.679 --> 00:44:14.975
Plow these motherfuckers up.
00:44:15.043 --> 00:44:16.792
Plow them into the streams
and rivers of America.
00:44:16.843 --> 00:44:18.994
We need that
phosphorous for farming!
00:44:19.931 --> 00:44:21.440
If we're going to recycle,
00:44:21.515 --> 00:44:23.451
let's get serious!
00:44:25.209 --> 00:44:25.641
Thank you.
00:44:31.111 --> 00:44:31.594
Thank you.
00:44:32.706 --> 00:44:33.758
I appreciate it!
00:44:35.437 --> 00:44:36.914
I appreciate that.
00:44:37.416 --> 00:44:38.417
Good, I'll have a little sip of this.
00:44:38.452 --> 00:44:41.409
The water, I assume, is still
safe to drink in New York, huh?
00:44:41.516 --> 00:44:43.899
No!
00:44:45.553 --> 00:44:46.244
Actually...
00:44:46.649 --> 00:44:47.819
Actually, I gotta be fair with you.
00:44:47.889 --> 00:44:49.236
I'm only setting
you up a little bit,
00:44:49.269 --> 00:44:49.800
it's just that...
00:44:49.924 --> 00:44:50.992
...another trick question,
00:44:51.143 --> 00:44:51.762
but it's just a set up,
00:44:51.836 --> 00:44:53.030
'cause I don't really
care about the water,
00:44:53.031 --> 00:44:53.984
to tell you the truth.
00:44:54.053 --> 00:44:56.104
I just love to hear the
answer to that question.
00:44:56.728 --> 00:44:58.201
I ask that question
everywhere I go.
00:44:58.557 --> 00:44:59.202
Everywhere I go, I say:
00:44:59.225 --> 00:45:00.343
How's the water?
00:45:00.359 --> 00:45:02.178
Haven't gotten a
positive answer yet.
00:45:02.545 --> 00:45:03.424
Not one.
00:45:03.528 --> 00:45:05.027
Last year I was in 40 states,
00:45:05.289 --> 00:45:06.266
a hundred cities.
00:45:06.592 --> 00:45:08.614
Not one audience was
able to say to me:
00:45:08.624 --> 00:45:11.795
"Yes! Enjoy some of
our fine local water!"
00:45:12.875 --> 00:45:14.615
"It is pure, and it is good!"
00:45:15.739 --> 00:45:16.160
Of course, I know,
00:45:16.204 --> 00:45:18.224
a lot of people don't
talk that way anymore
00:45:18.534 --> 00:45:21.362
but nobody trusts
their local water supply!
00:45:21.617 --> 00:45:22.293
Nobody.
00:45:22.548 --> 00:45:23.582
And that amuses me.
00:45:23.959 --> 00:45:24.930
I like that.
00:45:25.344 --> 00:45:26.674
I admit I'm a bit perverted,
00:45:27.488 --> 00:45:29.059
but it amuses me
that no one
00:45:29.093 --> 00:45:31.966
can really trust
the water anymore.
00:45:32.409 --> 00:45:33.811
And the thing I like
about it the most,
00:45:33.844 --> 00:45:35.121
is that it means
00:45:35.399 --> 00:45:38.142
the system is
beginning to collapse
00:45:38.541 --> 00:45:42.004
and everything is
slowly breaking down.
00:45:42.543 --> 00:45:44.586
I enjoy chaos and disorder.
00:45:45.243 --> 00:45:47.420
Not just because they
help me professionally.
00:45:48.442 --> 00:45:48.899
No.
00:45:49.895 --> 00:45:51.149
They're also my hobby.
00:45:51.863 --> 00:45:53.544
You see, I'm an entropy fan.
00:45:54.225 --> 00:45:55.248
I'm an entropy fan.
00:45:55.345 --> 00:45:57.149
When I first heard of entropy
in high school science,
00:45:57.230 --> 00:45:58.838
I was attracted
to it immediately.
00:45:59.251 --> 00:46:00.781
When they told
me that in nature
00:46:01.024 --> 00:46:02.642
all systems are
breaking down,
00:46:02.687 --> 00:46:04.145
I thought "What a good thing!"
00:46:04.617 --> 00:46:05.626
What a good thing!
00:46:05.664 --> 00:46:06.621
Perhaps I can make some
00:46:06.675 --> 00:46:09.011
small contribution
in this area myself.
00:46:09.817 --> 00:46:11.467
And, of course,
it's not just in nature.
00:46:11.773 --> 00:46:14.788
In this country, the
whole social structure,
00:46:15.333 --> 00:46:17.235
just beginning to collapse.
00:46:17.291 --> 00:46:18.211
You watch.
00:46:18.448 --> 00:46:19.809
Just beginning now
00:46:19.968 --> 00:46:21.956
to come apart at the
edges and the seams.
00:46:22.111 --> 00:46:23.563
And the thing
I like about that
00:46:23.851 --> 00:46:25.300
is that it means it
makes the news
00:46:25.337 --> 00:46:26.935
on television
more interesting.
00:46:27.108 --> 00:46:28.719
Makes the television
news more exciting!
00:46:28.854 --> 00:46:29.819
Makes it more fun!
00:46:29.852 --> 00:46:32.008
I watch television news for
one thing and one thing only:
00:46:32.055 --> 00:46:32.907
Entertainment!
00:46:33.037 --> 00:46:35.203
That's all I want from
the news, entertainment!
00:46:35.306 --> 00:46:36.449
You know my favorite
thing on television?
00:46:36.469 --> 00:46:37.497
Bad news!
00:46:37.712 --> 00:46:40.077
Bad news and disasters and
accidents and catastrophes.
00:46:40.189 --> 00:46:41.778
I'm want to see some
explosions and fires.
00:46:41.843 --> 00:46:44.596
I want to see shit blown up
and bodies flying around!
00:46:45.242 --> 00:46:46.930
I'm not interested
in the budget!
00:46:47.036 --> 00:46:49.066
I don't care about
tax negotiations!
00:46:49.115 --> 00:46:51.579
I don't want to know what
country the fucking Pope is in!
00:46:52.142 --> 00:46:54.180
But you show me a
hospital that's on fire
00:46:54.281 --> 00:46:55.836
and people on crutches
are jumping off the roof,
00:46:55.874 --> 00:46:57.544
and I'm a happy guy!
00:46:57.869 --> 00:46:59.922
I'm a happy guy!
00:47:01.322 --> 00:47:02.949
I'm a happy guy!
00:47:03.559 --> 00:47:05.740
I want to see a
paint factory blowing up.
00:47:05.781 --> 00:47:07.940
I want to see an
oil refinery explode.
00:47:08.089 --> 00:47:11.508
I want to see a tornado
hit a church on Sunday!
00:47:12.439 --> 00:47:13.654
I want to see people...
00:47:13.687 --> 00:47:14.658
I wanna know
that some guy
00:47:14.700 --> 00:47:15.555
ran into the K-mart
00:47:15.569 --> 00:47:17.858
with an automatic weapon
firing at the clerks.
00:47:18.771 --> 00:47:20.120
I want to see
thousands of people
00:47:20.172 --> 00:47:21.923
in the street
killing policemen.
00:47:22.032 --> 00:47:23.593
I want to hear about
a nuclear meltdown.
00:47:23.767 --> 00:47:25.207
I want to know
the stock market
00:47:25.269 --> 00:47:27.023
dropped 2,000
points in one day.
00:47:27.200 --> 00:47:29.977
I want to see people
under pressure.
00:47:30.096 --> 00:47:32.651
Sirens, flames, smoke,
bodies, graves being filled,
00:47:32.679 --> 00:47:34.354
parents weeping,
exciting shit!
00:47:34.369 --> 00:47:35.421
My kind of TV.
00:47:35.499 --> 00:47:36.859
I just want some
entertainment.
00:47:36.921 --> 00:47:38.615
It's just the
kind of guy I am.
00:47:38.757 --> 00:47:40.251
It's the kind of guy I am.
00:47:40.481 --> 00:47:41.355
You know what
I love the most?
00:47:41.376 --> 00:47:43.808
When big chunks of
concrete and fiery wood
00:47:43.867 --> 00:47:44.740
are falling out of the sky
00:47:44.837 --> 00:47:46.637
and people are running around
trying to get out of the way.
00:47:47.792 --> 00:47:48.687
Exciting shit!
00:47:48.689 --> 00:47:50.267
That's why
I watch auto racing.
00:47:50.487 --> 00:47:52.137
It's the only reason
I watch auto racing.
00:47:52.227 --> 00:47:54.306
I'm waiting for
some accidents, man!
00:47:54.929 --> 00:47:56.984
I want to see
some cars on fire!
00:47:57.510 --> 00:47:59.489
I don't care about a
bunch of redneck jack-offs
00:47:59.572 --> 00:48:01.718
driving 500 miles in a circle!
00:48:02.204 --> 00:48:03.826
500 miles in a circle?
00:48:04.290 --> 00:48:06.310
Children can do that,
for Christ's sakes!
00:48:06.567 --> 00:48:07.549
Doesn't impress me!
00:48:07.637 --> 00:48:09.542
I want to see some schmuck
with his hair on fire
00:48:09.572 --> 00:48:11.388
running around,
punching his own head
00:48:11.772 --> 00:48:12.902
trying to put it out!
00:48:13.795 --> 00:48:17.089
I want to see
the pits explode!
00:48:17.867 --> 00:48:20.493
I wanna see a car doing a
200 mile-an-hour cartwheel!
00:48:21.004 --> 00:48:22.877
Hey, where else
besides auto racing
00:48:22.950 --> 00:48:24.930
am I going to see
a 23-car collision
00:48:24.959 --> 00:48:26.375
and not be in
the son of a bitch?
00:48:27.953 --> 00:48:29.544
And if a car flies
out of control,
00:48:29.965 --> 00:48:30.707
lands on the stands
00:48:30.793 --> 00:48:32.513
and kills fifty
spectators, fine!
00:48:32.569 --> 00:48:33.282
Fuck them!
00:48:33.985 --> 00:48:34.779
Serves them right.
00:48:34.909 --> 00:48:35.628
They paid to get in.
00:48:35.655 --> 00:48:37.454
Let them take their
chances with everybody else.
00:48:38.309 --> 00:48:40.283
Just means more
fun for me!
00:48:40.583 --> 00:48:41.844
More fun for me!
00:48:42.652 --> 00:48:43.814
Hey, at least I admit it.
00:48:43.956 --> 00:48:44.959
At least I admit it.
00:48:45.105 --> 00:48:46.479
Most people won't admit
to those feelings.
00:48:46.641 --> 00:48:48.053
Most people see something
like that on television
00:48:48.070 --> 00:48:50.020
and say: "Oh, isn't that awful!"
"Isn't that too bad?"
00:48:50.059 --> 00:48:51.601
Brrr! Lying asshole!
00:48:52.461 --> 00:48:53.749
Lying asshole!
00:48:56.757 --> 00:48:58.111
You love it and you know it!
00:48:58.193 --> 00:48:59.679
Explosions are fun!
00:48:59.906 --> 00:49:02.466
And hey! The closer the
explosion is to your house,
00:49:02.570 --> 00:49:03.742
the more fun it is!
00:49:04.112 --> 00:49:04.908
Did you ever notice that?
00:49:04.973 --> 00:49:05.976
Sometimes you have the TV on
00:49:06.083 --> 00:49:07.089
and you're working
around the house,
00:49:07.187 --> 00:49:08.557
some guy comes on
television and says
00:49:08.811 --> 00:49:11.442
"Six thousand people were
killed on an explosion today!"
00:49:11.663 --> 00:49:12.815
You say: "Where, where?"
00:49:12.909 --> 00:49:14.188
He says: "In Pakistan!"
00:49:14.452 --> 00:49:16.108
You say "Oh, fuck Pakistan!
00:49:16.805 --> 00:49:19.027
Too far away to be any fun!
00:49:19.607 --> 00:49:21.063
But if he says it
happened in your hometown,
00:49:21.105 --> 00:49:22.563
you'll say "Wow! Hot shit!
00:49:22.641 --> 00:49:24.865
Come on, Dave, let's
go look at the bodies!
00:49:25.289 --> 00:49:27.207
Let's go look at the bodies.
00:49:27.264 --> 00:49:28.754
I love bad news!
00:49:28.999 --> 00:49:30.296
I love bad news!
00:49:30.373 --> 00:49:32.297
Hey, the more
bad news there is,
00:49:32.384 --> 00:49:34.232
the faster this
system collapses.
00:49:34.305 --> 00:49:35.515
Fine by me!
00:49:36.206 --> 00:49:37.258
Fine by me!
00:49:37.620 --> 00:49:38.848
Don't bother my ass!
00:49:39.431 --> 00:49:40.558
Don't bother my ass none!
00:49:41.024 --> 00:49:42.865
I'm glad the water sucks!
00:49:42.866 --> 00:49:43.933
I'm glad it sucks!
00:49:43.980 --> 00:49:44.919
You know what I do about it?
00:49:45.076 --> 00:49:46.261
I drink it!
00:49:51.318 --> 00:49:52.123
Unless,
00:49:52.560 --> 00:49:54.062
unless it really smells.
00:49:54.776 --> 00:49:56.895
If it really smells
a lot, like sulphur,
00:49:57.258 --> 00:49:59.574
then I might buy a soda,
00:50:00.800 --> 00:50:01.939
but it's got to be a soda
00:50:02.152 --> 00:50:04.019
loaded with
chemical additives.
00:50:04.633 --> 00:50:05.960
I like a lot of
chemical additives
00:50:05.996 --> 00:50:07.332
in the things I
eat and drink.
00:50:07.643 --> 00:50:08.616
See, I'm not one
of these people
00:50:08.704 --> 00:50:10.392
who's worried
about everything.
00:50:10.646 --> 00:50:11.900
You got these
people around you?
00:50:12.034 --> 00:50:13.120
Country's full of them now.
00:50:13.230 --> 00:50:14.827
People walking
around all day long,
00:50:15.019 --> 00:50:18.275
every minute of the day,
worried about everything!
00:50:18.993 --> 00:50:19.756
Worried about the air,
00:50:19.774 --> 00:50:20.566
worried about the water,
00:50:20.590 --> 00:50:21.608
worried about the soil.
00:50:22.088 --> 00:50:23.963
Worried about
insecticides, pesticides,
00:50:24.003 --> 00:50:25.740
food additives, carcinogens.
00:50:26.022 --> 00:50:27.198
Worried about radon gas,
00:50:27.266 --> 00:50:28.455
worried about asbestos.
00:50:28.696 --> 00:50:31.210
Worried about saving
endangered species.
00:50:31.916 --> 00:50:33.790
Let me tell you about
endangered species, all right?
00:50:34.730 --> 00:50:38.393
Saving endangered species is
just one more arrogant attempt
00:50:38.434 --> 00:50:40.913
by humans to control nature.
00:50:41.103 --> 00:50:42.493
It is arrogant meddling.
00:50:42.548 --> 00:50:44.234
It's what got us in
trouble in the first place.
00:50:44.360 --> 00:50:45.888
Doesn't anybody
understand that?
00:50:46.008 --> 00:50:47.605
Interfering with nature.
00:50:47.974 --> 00:50:49.823
Over 90 percent...
Over,
00:50:49.873 --> 00:50:52.111
way over, 90 percent
of all the species
00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:54.498
that have ever
lived on this planet,
00:50:54.579 --> 00:50:56.955
ever lived, are gone! Whoosh.
00:50:57.783 --> 00:50:58.571
They're extinct.
00:50:59.526 --> 00:51:01.592
We didn't kill them all.
00:51:02.634 --> 00:51:04.747
They just disappeared.
00:51:04.966 --> 00:51:06.899
That's what nature does.
00:51:07.201 --> 00:51:10.587
They disappear these days
at the rate of 25 a day,
00:51:10.633 --> 00:51:12.586
and I mean regardless
of our behavior.
00:51:12.719 --> 00:51:14.577
Irrespective of how
we act on this planet,
00:51:14.745 --> 00:51:16.482
25 species that
were here today,
00:51:16.943 --> 00:51:18.181
will be gone tomorrow.
00:51:18.663 --> 00:51:20.637
Let them go gracefully.
00:51:21.163 --> 00:51:23.056
Leave nature alone.
00:51:23.226 --> 00:51:24.893
Haven't we done enough?
00:51:25.296 --> 00:51:26.869
We're so self important!
00:51:27.134 --> 00:51:28.258
So self important!
00:51:28.351 --> 00:51:30.082
Everybody's going to
save something now.
00:51:30.473 --> 00:51:31.664
Save the trees,
00:51:31.720 --> 00:51:32.606
save the bees,
00:51:32.708 --> 00:51:33.826
save the whales,
00:51:33.843 --> 00:51:35.217
save those snails.
00:51:36.476 --> 00:51:38.043
And the greatest
arrogance of all,
00:51:38.093 --> 00:51:39.583
save the planet!
00:51:39.832 --> 00:51:40.478
What?
00:51:40.550 --> 00:51:42.326
Are these fucking
people kidding me?
00:51:43.258 --> 00:51:44.000
Save the planet?
00:51:44.050 --> 00:51:46.040
We don't know how to
take care of ourselves yet.
00:51:46.350 --> 00:51:48.153
We haven't learned how
to care to one another.
00:51:48.216 --> 00:51:50.506
We're going to save
the fucking planet?
00:51:50.996 --> 00:51:52.918
I'm getting
tired of that shit.
00:51:53.533 --> 00:51:55.113
Tired of that shit!
00:51:55.713 --> 00:51:56.556
Tired!
00:51:57.996 --> 00:52:00.057
I'm tired of
fucking Earth Day.
00:52:00.230 --> 00:52:03.141
I'm tired of these self
righteous environmentalists,
00:52:03.185 --> 00:52:05.687
these white,
bourgeois, liberals
00:52:05.723 --> 00:52:07.233
who think the only thing
wrong with this country
00:52:07.321 --> 00:52:09.194
is there aren't
enough bicycle paths.
00:52:10.086 --> 00:52:13.056
People trying to make the
world safe for their Volvos.
00:52:13.183 --> 00:52:14.019
Besides,
00:52:14.294 --> 00:52:16.743
environmentalists don't
give a shit about the planet!
00:52:16.796 --> 00:52:18.559
They don't care
about the planet!
00:52:18.612 --> 00:52:20.205
Not in the
abstract, they don't.
00:52:20.393 --> 00:52:21.624
Not in the
abstract, they don't.
00:52:21.734 --> 00:52:22.596
Do you know what
they're interested in?
00:52:22.622 --> 00:52:24.756
A clean place to live,
00:52:24.983 --> 00:52:26.950
their own habitat.
00:52:27.110 --> 00:52:28.541
They're worried that
some day in the future
00:52:28.574 --> 00:52:30.964
they might be
personally inconvenienced.
00:52:31.124 --> 00:52:34.397
Narrow, unenlightened self
interest, doesn't impress me.
00:52:34.430 --> 00:52:37.649
Besides there's nothing
wrong with the planet.
00:52:37.886 --> 00:52:39.138
Nothing wrong
with the planet.
00:52:39.158 --> 00:52:40.483
The planet is fine!
00:52:40.990 --> 00:52:42.894
The people are fucked!
00:52:43.530 --> 00:52:45.861
Difference, difference!
00:52:45.886 --> 00:52:47.453
The planet is fine.
00:52:48.140 --> 00:52:49.339
Compared to the people,
00:52:49.550 --> 00:52:51.168
the planet is doing great!
00:52:51.222 --> 00:52:53.050
Been here four and
a half billion years!
00:52:53.125 --> 00:52:54.386
Did you ever think
about the arithmetic?
00:52:54.433 --> 00:52:57.400
Planet has been here
four and a half billion years.
00:52:57.548 --> 00:52:59.513
We've been here, what?
A hundred thousand?
00:52:59.610 --> 00:53:01.656
Maybe two hundred thousand...
00:53:01.856 --> 00:53:03.777
And we've only been
engaged in heavy industry
00:53:03.819 --> 00:53:05.646
for a little over
two hundred years.
00:53:05.766 --> 00:53:08.681
Two hundred years
versus four and a half billion!
00:53:08.790 --> 00:53:10.061
And we have the conceit
00:53:10.386 --> 00:53:12.407
to think that
somehow we're a threat?
00:53:12.596 --> 00:53:14.030
That somehow we're
gonna put in jeopardy
00:53:14.084 --> 00:53:16.293
this beautiful little
blue-green ball
00:53:16.354 --> 00:53:18.281
that's just a-floating
around the sun?
00:53:18.343 --> 00:53:21.304
The planet has been
through a lot worse than us.
00:53:21.422 --> 00:53:24.149
Been through all kinds
of things worse than us.
00:53:24.430 --> 00:53:27.324
Been through earthquakes,
volcanoes, plate tectonics,
00:53:27.367 --> 00:53:29.560
continental drifts,
solar flares, sun spots,
00:53:29.641 --> 00:53:32.275
magnetic storms, the magnetic
reversal of the poles,
00:53:32.633 --> 00:53:34.854
hundreds of thousands
of years of bombardment
00:53:34.930 --> 00:53:36.879
by comets and
asteroids and meteors,
00:53:36.910 --> 00:53:39.555
worldwide floods,
tidal waves, worldwide fires,
00:53:39.630 --> 00:53:42.393
erosion, cosmic rays,
recurring ice ages,
00:53:42.476 --> 00:53:45.566
and we think
some plastic bags
00:53:46.450 --> 00:53:48.264
and some
alluminum cans
00:53:48.836 --> 00:53:50.796
are going to
make a difference?
00:53:52.015 --> 00:53:53.100
The planet...
00:53:54.150 --> 00:53:55.226
The planet...
00:53:58.456 --> 00:54:01.265
The planet isn't
going anywhere!
00:54:01.790 --> 00:54:03.397
We are!
00:54:04.088 --> 00:54:05.630
We're going away.
00:54:06.093 --> 00:54:07.609
Pack your shit, folks,
00:54:08.708 --> 00:54:10.233
we're going away.
00:54:10.428 --> 00:54:12.148
And we won't leave
much of a trace, either
00:54:12.233 --> 00:54:13.461
Thank God for that!
00:54:13.803 --> 00:54:15.837
Maybe a little
styrofoam, maybe.
00:54:16.408 --> 00:54:17.657
Little styrofoam.
00:54:17.934 --> 00:54:20.096
Planet will be here
and we'll be long gone.
00:54:20.240 --> 00:54:22.088
Just another failed mutation!
00:54:22.221 --> 00:54:24.794
Just another close-end
biological mistake,
00:54:24.844 --> 00:54:26.690
an evolutionary cul-de-sac.
00:54:26.785 --> 00:54:30.537
The planet will shake us off
like a bad case of fleas...
00:54:31.288 --> 00:54:33.820
A surface nuisance.
00:54:36.630 --> 00:54:38.290
You wanna know how
the planet's doing?
00:54:38.542 --> 00:54:40.274
Ask those people at Pompeii,
00:54:40.314 --> 00:54:41.782
who are frozen
into position...
00:54:42.710 --> 00:54:44.192
from volcanic ash
00:54:44.674 --> 00:54:46.510
how the planet's doing.
00:54:47.378 --> 00:54:48.396
Wanna know if
the planet's alright?
00:54:48.420 --> 00:54:50.362
Ask those people at
Mexico City or Armenia
00:54:50.409 --> 00:54:51.497
or a hundred other places
00:54:51.846 --> 00:54:54.160
buried under thousands of
tons of earthquake rubble
00:54:54.470 --> 00:54:58.810
if they feel like a threat
to the planet this week?
00:54:59.540 --> 00:55:01.330
How about those people
in Kilauea, Hawaii,
00:55:01.385 --> 00:55:03.774
who build their homes right
next to an active volcano
00:55:04.373 --> 00:55:07.304
and then wonder why they
have lava in the living room?
00:55:10.874 --> 00:55:13.298
The planet will be
here for a long,
00:55:13.353 --> 00:55:16.663
long, long time
after we're gone,
00:55:16.900 --> 00:55:18.242
and will heal itself,
00:55:18.410 --> 00:55:21.170
it will cleanse itself,
cause that's what it does.
00:55:21.271 --> 00:55:23.357
It's a self-correcting system.
00:55:23.550 --> 00:55:25.000
The air and the
water will recover.
00:55:25.130 --> 00:55:26.348
The earth will be renewed.
00:55:26.420 --> 00:55:29.112
And if it's true, that
plastic is not degradable,
00:55:29.244 --> 00:55:30.762
well, the planet will simply
00:55:30.791 --> 00:55:33.258
incorporate plastic
into a new paradigm:
00:55:33.432 --> 00:55:35.097
The Earth plus plastic!
00:55:36.646 --> 00:55:39.565
The Earth doesn't share our
prejudice towards plastic!
00:55:39.733 --> 00:55:40.949
Plastic came out of the Earth.
00:55:40.992 --> 00:55:42.194
The earth probably
sees plastic
00:55:42.237 --> 00:55:43.825
as just another one
of its children.
00:55:44.383 --> 00:55:46.096
Could be the only reason
the earth allowed us
00:55:46.136 --> 00:55:47.984
to be spawned from it
in the first place.
00:55:48.360 --> 00:55:50.114
It wanted plastic for itself.
00:55:51.563 --> 00:55:52.948
Didn't know how to make it.
00:55:53.164 --> 00:55:54.249
Needed us.
00:55:55.090 --> 00:55:56.841
Could be the answer
to our age-old
00:55:56.873 --> 00:56:00.018
philosophical question:
"Why are we here?"
00:56:00.745 --> 00:56:04.230
Plastic, assholes!
00:56:05.552 --> 00:56:06.030
So...
00:56:07.485 --> 00:56:11.296
So... the plastic is here,
our job is done.
00:56:11.341 --> 00:56:12.791
We can be phased out now,
00:56:12.970 --> 00:56:14.998
And I think that's really
started already, don't you?
00:56:15.123 --> 00:56:16.762
I mean to be fair,
the planet probably
00:56:16.832 --> 00:56:18.512
sees us as a mild threat.
00:56:18.584 --> 00:56:19.973
Something to be dealt with.
00:56:20.283 --> 00:56:22.420
And I'm sure the planet
will defend itself.
00:56:22.516 --> 00:56:25.681
In the... In the manner of a
large organism like a beehive
00:56:25.740 --> 00:56:27.566
or an ant colony can
muster a defense,
00:56:27.614 --> 00:56:29.373
I'm sure the planet
will think of something.
00:56:29.423 --> 00:56:31.190
What would you do
if you were the planet
00:56:31.273 --> 00:56:32.393
trying to defend against this
00:56:32.596 --> 00:56:34.456
pesky, troublesome species?
00:56:34.522 --> 00:56:35.160
Let's see.
00:56:35.353 --> 00:56:37.320
What might... Hum! Viruses!
00:56:37.486 --> 00:56:38.678
Viruses may be good.
00:56:38.713 --> 00:56:40.938
They seem
vulnerable to viruses.
00:56:41.145 --> 00:56:42.769
And viruses are tricky,
00:56:42.866 --> 00:56:44.725
always mutating and
forming new strains
00:56:44.792 --> 00:56:46.589
whenever a vaccine
is developed.
00:56:46.853 --> 00:56:49.345
Perhaps this first
virus could be one
00:56:50.032 --> 00:56:52.510
that... that compromises
the immune system
00:56:52.588 --> 00:56:53.233
of these creatures.
00:56:53.333 --> 00:56:54.963
Perhaps a human
immunodeficiency virus,
00:56:55.019 --> 00:56:56.230
making them
vulnerable to all sorts
00:56:56.310 --> 00:56:57.570
of other diseases
and infections
00:56:57.613 --> 00:56:58.483
that might come along.
00:56:58.668 --> 00:57:00.734
And maybe it could
be spread sexually,
00:57:01.144 --> 00:57:02.208
making them
a little reluctant
00:57:02.276 --> 00:57:03.938
to engage in the
act of reproduction.
00:57:04.818 --> 00:57:06.222
Well, that's a poetic note.
00:57:06.683 --> 00:57:07.562
And it's a start.
00:57:08.053 --> 00:57:09.613
And I can dream, can't I?
00:57:10.064 --> 00:57:11.581
So I don't worry
about the little things,
00:57:11.695 --> 00:57:14.279
bees, trees, whales, snails.
00:57:14.863 --> 00:57:16.748
I think we're part
of a greater wisdom
00:57:17.228 --> 00:57:18.882
than we will
ever understand,
00:57:19.443 --> 00:57:20.469
a higher order.
00:57:20.522 --> 00:57:21.397
Call it what you want.
00:57:21.831 --> 00:57:22.643
Know what I call it?
00:57:23.145 --> 00:57:24.458
The big electron.
00:57:25.595 --> 00:57:26.833
The big electron.
00:57:33.185 --> 00:57:34.014
It doesn't punish.
00:57:34.383 --> 00:57:35.388
It doesn't reward.
00:57:35.805 --> 00:57:37.222
It doesn't judge at all.
00:57:37.348 --> 00:57:38.234
It just is
00:57:38.520 --> 00:57:39.638
and so are we,
00:57:39.754 --> 00:57:40.756
for a little while.
00:57:41.444 --> 00:57:43.652
Thanks for being here with me
for a little while tonight.
00:57:45.881 --> 00:57:46.482
Thank you.
00:57:47.083 --> 00:57:48.068
Thank you very much.
00:57:48.893 --> 00:57:49.624
Thank you.
00:57:55.710 --> 00:57:56.419
Thank you.
00:57:57.861 --> 00:57:59.270
Thank you, New York City!
00:58:00.017 --> 00:58:01.530
Take care of yourself!
00:58:02.409 --> 00:58:03.877
Take care of yourself,
00:58:04.230 --> 00:58:06.309
and take care of somebody else!
00:58:06.354 --> 00:58:07.354
Thank you, good night!