1
00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:04,300
Hello, thank you.

2
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,130
Thank you.

3
00:01:16,104 --> 00:01:16,570
Thank you.

4
00:01:19,804 --> 00:01:20,771
Thank you very much.

5
00:01:24,273 --> 00:01:26,097
Thank you. Thank you all.

6
00:01:26,674 --> 00:01:27,502
Thank you all.

7
00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:29,472
Thank you.

8
00:01:29,511 --> 00:01:33,375
And hello New York.
Hello New York and thank you.

9
00:01:35,947 --> 00:01:36,409
Yeah.

10
00:01:37,715 --> 00:01:38,250
Okay.

11
00:01:39,081 --> 00:01:41,480
It's been a little while...
it's been a little while...

12
00:01:41,549 --> 00:01:43,312
since I've been here and a couple
of things had happened...

13
00:01:43,384 --> 00:01:44,281
in that time.

14
00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:45,647
I'd like to talk
a little bit...

15
00:01:45,820 --> 00:01:47,833
about the War in the Persian Gulf.

16
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:51,280
Big doings in
the Persian Gulf.

17
00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:52,644
You know my favorite
part of that war?

18
00:01:52,727 --> 00:01:54,275
It's the first
war we ever had

19
00:01:54,305 --> 00:01:56,573
that was on every
channel plus cable.

20
00:01:57,842 --> 00:02:00,525
And the war got good
ratings, too, didn't it?

21
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:01,627
Got good ratings.

22
00:02:01,778 --> 00:02:03,162
Well, we like war.

23
00:02:03,304 --> 00:02:04,797
We like war.

24
00:02:04,932 --> 00:02:06,598
We're a warlike people.

25
00:02:06,973 --> 00:02:09,255
We like war because
we're good at it.

26
00:02:09,314 --> 00:02:10,308
And you know why
we're good at it?

27
00:02:10,388 --> 00:02:12,017
Cause we get
a lot of practice.

28
00:02:13,057 --> 00:02:14,431
This country's
only 200 years old

29
00:02:14,579 --> 00:02:16,999
and already we've
had ten major wars.

30
00:02:17,597 --> 00:02:18,846
We average a major war

31
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,217
every 20 years in this country,

32
00:02:20,288 --> 00:02:21,826
so we're good at it.

33
00:02:22,388 --> 00:02:23,512
And it's a good thing we are.

34
00:02:23,591 --> 00:02:25,917
We're not very good
at anything else anymore.

35
00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:28,654
Can't build a decent car.

36
00:02:28,904 --> 00:02:31,630
Can't make a TV set
or a VCR worth a fuck.

37
00:02:33,302 --> 00:02:34,647
Got no steel industry left.

38
00:02:34,803 --> 00:02:35,983
Can't educate
our young people.

39
00:02:36,029 --> 00:02:37,585
Can't get healthcare
to our old people.

40
00:02:37,965 --> 00:02:40,824
But we can bomb the shit
out of your country, all right?

41
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:41,553
Huh?

42
00:02:42,377 --> 00:02:45,246
We can bomb the shit out
of your country, all right?

43
00:02:48,997 --> 00:02:52,450
Especially if your country
is full of brown people.

44
00:02:53,822 --> 00:02:55,101
Oh, we like that, don't we?

45
00:02:55,185 --> 00:02:56,375
That's our hobby.

46
00:02:57,042 --> 00:02:58,695
That's our new
job in the world:

47
00:02:58,718 --> 00:03:00,414
bombing brown people!

48
00:03:01,429 --> 00:03:03,420
Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya,

49
00:03:03,498 --> 00:03:05,070
you got some brown
people in your country,

50
00:03:05,086 --> 00:03:07,180
tell them to
watch the fuck out

51
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,489
or we'll goddamn bomb them!

52
00:03:11,387 --> 00:03:13,198
Well, when's the last white
people you can remember

53
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:13,720
that we bombed?

54
00:03:13,748 --> 00:03:14,932
Can you remember
the last white...

55
00:03:14,972 --> 00:03:18,010
Can you remember ANY white
people we've ever bombed?

56
00:03:18,079 --> 00:03:18,892
The Germans,

57
00:03:18,905 --> 00:03:19,756
also the only ones,

58
00:03:19,882 --> 00:03:20,543
and that's only because

59
00:03:20,683 --> 00:03:22,675
they were trying
to cut in on our action.

60
00:03:24,126 --> 00:03:25,719
They wanted to
dominate the world.

61
00:03:25,853 --> 00:03:26,623
Bullshit!

62
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:28,439
That's our fucking job!

63
00:03:28,858 --> 00:03:31,280
That's our fucking job!

64
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,032
Now, we only
bomb brown people,

65
00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:42,734
not because they're trying
to cut in on our action,

66
00:03:42,939 --> 00:03:44,922
just because they're brown.

67
00:03:46,375 --> 00:03:47,376
Now, you probably noticed

68
00:03:47,399 --> 00:03:49,000
I don't feel about that war

69
00:03:49,078 --> 00:03:50,277
the way we were told

70
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:52,377
we were supposed to
feel about that war,

71
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:54,515
the way we were
ordered and instructed

72
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,811
by the
United States government

73
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,615
to feel about that war.

74
00:03:57,850 --> 00:03:58,525
You see?

75
00:03:58,688 --> 00:04:02,311
I'll tell you, my mind
doesn't work that way.

76
00:04:02,413 --> 00:04:04,372
I got this real
moron thing I do.

77
00:04:04,419 --> 00:04:05,909
It's called "thinking".

78
00:04:07,678 --> 00:04:09,089
And I'm not a
very good American

79
00:04:09,163 --> 00:04:12,257
because I like to
form my own opinions.

80
00:04:12,333 --> 00:04:15,878
I don't just roll
over when I'm told to.

81
00:04:16,225 --> 00:04:17,502
Sad to say, most Americans

82
00:04:17,646 --> 00:04:19,969
just roll over on command.

83
00:04:20,144 --> 00:04:20,632
Not me.

84
00:04:20,709 --> 00:04:23,371
I have certain
rules I live by.

85
00:04:23,445 --> 00:04:24,434
My first rule,

86
00:04:24,513 --> 00:04:28,040
I don't believe anything
the government tells me,

87
00:04:28,117 --> 00:04:29,482
nothing.

88
00:04:30,385 --> 00:04:32,046
Zero.

89
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:33,883
No.

90
00:04:34,824 --> 00:04:37,251
And I don't
take very seriously

91
00:04:37,326 --> 00:04:39,794
the media or
the press in this country

92
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,693
who in the case of
the Persian Gulf War

93
00:04:41,764 --> 00:04:43,755
were nothing more
than unpaid employees

94
00:04:43,832 --> 00:04:45,300
of the Department of Defense

95
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:48,666
and who most of the time...
most of the time function as kind of

96
00:04:48,737 --> 00:04:50,830
an unofficial
public relations agency

97
00:04:50,906 --> 00:04:52,737
for the
United States government.

98
00:04:52,808 --> 00:04:53,832
So I don't listen to them.

99
00:04:54,109 --> 00:04:55,720
I don't really
believe in my country.

100
00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:57,169
And I got to tell you, folks,

101
00:04:57,246 --> 00:04:58,770
I don't get all choked up

102
00:04:58,847 --> 00:05:01,309
about yellow ribbons
and American flags.

103
00:05:01,383 --> 00:05:05,240
I consider them...
I consider them to be symbols,

104
00:05:05,354 --> 00:05:06,631
and I leave symbols

105
00:05:06,766 --> 00:05:08,289
to the symbol minded.

106
00:05:09,152 --> 00:05:12,769
Me, I look at war
a little bit differently.

107
00:05:12,948 --> 00:05:14,908
To me, war is a lot of
prick waving.

108
00:05:14,954 --> 00:05:15,715
Okay?

109
00:05:16,187 --> 00:05:17,359
Simple thing, that's all this is.

110
00:05:17,388 --> 00:05:19,552
War is a whole lot of men
standing out in the field

111
00:05:19,722 --> 00:05:21,734
waving their pricks
at one another.

112
00:05:23,930 --> 00:05:26,574
Men are insecure about
the size of their dicks

113
00:05:26,628 --> 00:05:29,347
and so they have to kill
one another over the idea.

114
00:05:33,378 --> 00:05:36,852
That's what all that asshole
jock bullshit is all about.

115
00:05:37,236 --> 00:05:39,608
That's what all that
adolescent macho,

116
00:05:39,708 --> 00:05:42,617
male posturing and strutting
in bars and locker rooms

117
00:05:42,688 --> 00:05:43,786
is all about.

118
00:05:44,055 --> 00:05:46,121
It's called "dick fear"!

119
00:05:47,282 --> 00:05:50,119
Men are terrified that
their pricks are inadequate

120
00:05:50,196 --> 00:05:51,960
and so they have to
compete with one another

121
00:05:51,961 --> 00:05:53,661
to feel bether about itselves.

122
00:05:53,732 --> 00:05:55,627
And since war is
the ultimate competition,

123
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:57,693
basically men are
killing each other

124
00:05:57,769 --> 00:06:00,036
in order to improve
their self esteem.

125
00:06:00,105 --> 00:06:01,800
You don't have to
be a historian

126
00:06:01,874 --> 00:06:03,799
or a political
scientist to see

127
00:06:03,876 --> 00:06:06,673
the Bigger Dick
Foreign Policy theory at work.

128
00:06:08,246 --> 00:06:09,045
It sounds like this:

129
00:06:09,215 --> 00:06:09,738
"What?

130
00:06:09,815 --> 00:06:10,542
They have bigger dicks?

131
00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:11,917
Bomb them!"

132
00:06:14,786 --> 00:06:17,877
And, of course, the bombs and
the rockets and the bullets

133
00:06:17,955 --> 00:06:20,114
are all shaped like dicks.

134
00:06:21,393 --> 00:06:22,983
It's a subconscious need

135
00:06:23,061 --> 00:06:24,158
to project the penis

136
00:06:24,229 --> 00:06:25,728
into other people's affairs.

137
00:06:27,342 --> 00:06:31,032
It's called:
"fucking with people"!

138
00:06:32,503 --> 00:06:33,402
So...

139
00:06:38,307 --> 00:06:39,035
So,

140
00:06:41,577 --> 00:06:42,803
as far as I'm concerned

141
00:06:42,878 --> 00:06:44,009
that whole thing
in the Persian Gulf

142
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:47,209
was nothing more than a
big prick waving dick fight.

143
00:06:48,227 --> 00:06:49,182
In this particular case,

144
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:51,513
Saddam Hussein had
questioned the size

145
00:06:51,588 --> 00:06:52,780
of George Bush's dick.

146
00:06:54,135 --> 00:06:56,592
And George Bush has been
called a wimp for so long...

147
00:06:56,761 --> 00:06:58,856
"wimp" rhymes with "limp".

148
00:07:00,552 --> 00:07:02,229
George has been called
a wimp for so long

149
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,128
that he has to act out
his manhood fantasies

150
00:07:05,203 --> 00:07:07,930
by sending other
people's children to die.

151
00:07:08,307 --> 00:07:11,137
Even the name "Bush".

152
00:07:13,376 --> 00:07:14,804
Even the name "Bush",

153
00:07:14,879 --> 00:07:16,674
is related to the genitals

154
00:07:16,748 --> 00:07:18,643
without being the genitals.

155
00:07:20,118 --> 00:07:22,481
A bush is a sort of passive,

156
00:07:22,553 --> 00:07:24,844
secondary sex characteristic.

157
00:07:25,023 --> 00:07:27,683
Now, if this man's name
had been "George Boner"...

158
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,625
Well, he might have felt a
little better about himself,

159
00:07:31,696 --> 00:07:32,688
and we wouldn't
have had any trouble

160
00:07:32,764 --> 00:07:33,759
over there in the first place.

161
00:07:33,932 --> 00:07:36,457
This whole country
has a manhood problem,

162
00:07:36,535 --> 00:07:38,598
big manhood
problem in the USA.

163
00:07:38,670 --> 00:07:40,297
You can tell from
the language we use.

164
00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:42,196
Language always
gives you away.

165
00:07:42,274 --> 00:07:43,735
What did we do
wrong in Vietnam?

166
00:07:43,809 --> 00:07:45,675
We pulled out.

167
00:07:48,246 --> 00:07:50,147
Huh? Not a very manly
thing to do, is it?

168
00:07:50,216 --> 00:07:51,746
When you're fucking people,

169
00:07:51,817 --> 00:07:53,744
you got to stay in
there and fuck them good,

170
00:07:53,819 --> 00:07:54,908
fuck them all the way,

171
00:07:54,987 --> 00:07:56,318
fuck them till the end!

172
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,787
Fuck them to death!

173
00:07:57,823 --> 00:07:59,584
Fuck them to death!

174
00:08:00,185 --> 00:08:01,785
Fuck them to death!

175
00:08:02,359 --> 00:08:04,686
Stay in there and
keep fucking them

176
00:08:04,761 --> 00:08:06,596
until they're all dead!

177
00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:10,456
We left a few women and
children alive in Vietnam,

178
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:13,695
and we haven't felt good
about ourselves since.

179
00:08:14,071 --> 00:08:16,466
That's why in the Persian Gulf,
George Bush had to say:

180
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:19,369
"This will not be
another Vietnam!"

181
00:08:19,442 --> 00:08:21,066
He actually used these words.

182
00:08:21,144 --> 00:08:24,676
He say: "This time we're
going all the way!"

183
00:08:25,748 --> 00:08:27,313
Imagine an American president

184
00:08:27,383 --> 00:08:29,779
using the sexual
slang of a 13-year-old

185
00:08:29,852 --> 00:08:31,979
to describe his
foreign policy.

186
00:08:34,956 --> 00:08:36,722
If you want to know what
happened in the Persian Gulf,

187
00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:39,227
just remember the
names of the two men

188
00:08:39,294 --> 00:08:40,828
who were running that war,

189
00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:42,054
"Dick" Cheney,

190
00:08:42,131 --> 00:08:43,799
and "Colin" Powell.

191
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:46,830
Somebody got
fucked in the ass!

192
00:08:52,276 --> 00:08:53,136
Thank you.

193
00:08:54,437 --> 00:08:55,137
Thank you.

194
00:08:56,638 --> 00:08:57,538
Thank you very much.

195
00:08:57,639 --> 00:08:58,539
Well, I'll tell you what.

196
00:08:59,814 --> 00:09:01,646
Now, to balance the scale,
I'd like to talk about

197
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:03,244
some things that
bring us together.

198
00:09:03,352 --> 00:09:05,677
Things that point out
our similarities

199
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:06,954
instead of our differences,

200
00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:08,618
'cause that's all you ever
hear about in this country

201
00:09:08,691 --> 00:09:09,519
is our differences.

202
00:09:09,893 --> 00:09:11,651
That's all the media
and the politicians

203
00:09:11,727 --> 00:09:12,753
are ever talking about,

204
00:09:12,828 --> 00:09:14,126
the things that
separate us,

205
00:09:14,197 --> 00:09:16,064
things that make us
different from one another.

206
00:09:16,232 --> 00:09:19,262
That's the way the ruling
class operates in any society.

207
00:09:19,335 --> 00:09:21,432
They try to divide the
rest of the people.

208
00:09:21,503 --> 00:09:22,964
They keep the lower
and the middle classes

209
00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:24,163
fighting with each other

210
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,166
so that they the rich,

211
00:09:25,241 --> 00:09:27,041
can run off with
all the fucking money.

212
00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:28,702
Fairly simple thing.

213
00:09:28,713 --> 00:09:30,237
Happens to work.

214
00:09:30,315 --> 00:09:31,409
You know,
anything different,

215
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:32,773
that's what they
gonna talk about.

216
00:09:32,851 --> 00:09:35,342
Race, religion, ethnic
and national backgrounds,

217
00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,119
jobs, income, education,

218
00:09:37,190 --> 00:09:39,321
social status, sexuality.

219
00:09:39,392 --> 00:09:41,453
Anything they can do, keep
us fighting with each other

220
00:09:41,527 --> 00:09:43,887
so that they can
keep going to the bank.

221
00:09:44,164 --> 00:09:45,022
You know how I describe

222
00:09:45,098 --> 00:09:47,098
the economic and social
classes in this country?

223
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:49,858
The upper class
keeps all of the money,

224
00:09:49,936 --> 00:09:51,567
pays none of the taxes.

225
00:09:51,838 --> 00:09:53,071
The middle class

226
00:09:53,139 --> 00:09:54,301
pays all of the taxes,

227
00:09:54,374 --> 00:09:55,635
does all of the work.

228
00:09:55,909 --> 00:09:57,037
The poor are there

229
00:09:57,110 --> 00:10:00,352
just to scare the shit
out of the middle class.

230
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,818
Keep them showing
up at those jobs.

231
00:10:06,219 --> 00:10:07,019
So...

232
00:10:08,585 --> 00:10:10,345
So, stirring up the shit some,

233
00:10:10,421 --> 00:10:11,555
I like to do from
time to time,

234
00:10:11,623 --> 00:10:13,048
but I also like to know

235
00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:14,059
that I can come back

236
00:10:14,127 --> 00:10:16,357
to these little things
we have in common.

237
00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:18,154
Little universal moments

238
00:10:18,232 --> 00:10:19,890
that we share sepparetly,

239
00:10:19,938 --> 00:10:21,659
the things that
make us the same.

240
00:10:21,735 --> 00:10:23,669
They are so small we
rarely even talk about it.

241
00:10:24,137 --> 00:10:25,532
Did you ever
look at your watch

242
00:10:25,606 --> 00:10:28,570
and then you don't
know what time it is?

243
00:10:30,044 --> 00:10:31,911
And you have to look again,

244
00:10:31,978 --> 00:10:33,842
and you still
don't know the time.

245
00:10:34,414 --> 00:10:35,538
See, you look at a third time,

246
00:10:35,615 --> 00:10:36,912
and somebody says:
"What time is it?"

247
00:10:36,983 --> 00:10:39,175
You say: "I don't know."

248
00:10:41,102 --> 00:10:44,501
Did you ever notice how
sometimes all day Wednesday,

249
00:10:44,572 --> 00:10:47,705
you keep thinking
it's Thursday.

250
00:10:47,775 --> 00:10:50,300
And it happens over
and over all day long.

251
00:10:50,378 --> 00:10:51,606
And then the next day,

252
00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:53,907
you're all right again.

253
00:10:56,283 --> 00:10:57,215
Did you ever find yourself

254
00:10:57,284 --> 00:10:59,582
standing in one of
the rooms in your house

255
00:10:59,653 --> 00:11:02,522
and you can't remember
why you went in there?

256
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,688
And two words float
across your mind,

257
00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:15,161
Alzheimer's Disease?

258
00:11:18,336 --> 00:11:19,564
You ever been
talking to yourself

259
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:20,899
and somebody comes in the room

260
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:22,668
and you have to make
believe you were singing?

261
00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:27,509
And you hope to God

262
00:11:27,579 --> 00:11:29,676
the other person really
believes there's a song called

263
00:11:29,748 --> 00:11:32,377
What Does She Think
I Am, Some Kind of Putz?

264
00:11:34,353 --> 00:11:36,887
Little experiences
we've all had.

265
00:11:36,935 --> 00:11:39,448
You ever been sitting in a
railroad train in a station

266
00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:41,653
and there's another train
sitting right next to you

267
00:11:41,726 --> 00:11:43,185
and one of them starts to move

268
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:45,095
and you can't tell
which one it is?

269
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,996
How about when you're out on
a small boat on a windy day?

270
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:54,462
You ever been out
rocking back and forth

271
00:11:54,538 --> 00:11:55,435
for three or four hours

272
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:56,299
trying to keep
your balance,

273
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,600
rough seas, little boat...

274
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:58,637
Then you get
back into the shore

275
00:11:58,710 --> 00:11:59,774
and you're standing
on the dock

276
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,268
and you could swear there
was something inside of you

277
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:02,871
that was still
out there, rocking.

278
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:04,674
Did you ever try
to pick up a suitcase

279
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:06,378
you thought was
full, but it wasn't?

280
00:12:08,053 --> 00:12:09,214
<i>And you go brooom.</i>

281
00:12:09,988 --> 00:12:11,646
And for just a split second,

282
00:12:11,723 --> 00:12:13,325
you feel really strong.

283
00:12:16,395 --> 00:12:19,025
How about when you look
through a chain link fence?

284
00:12:19,297 --> 00:12:21,121
Did you ever notice if
you're just the right distance

285
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,357
from a chain link fence,

286
00:12:22,434 --> 00:12:25,363
<i>sometimes it seems
to go: doowoowoo?</i>

287
00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:27,237
What is that?

288
00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:29,633
How do they do that?

289
00:12:31,810 --> 00:12:32,938
Did you ever try
to tell somebody

290
00:12:33,011 --> 00:12:34,877
they have a little bit
of dirt on their face?

291
00:12:35,847 --> 00:12:38,245
You can never get them to
rub the right spot, can you?

292
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:42,910
Say: "You got a little
bit of dirt right here."

293
00:12:43,088 --> 00:12:45,553
They always go "Where, here?"

294
00:12:47,625 --> 00:12:49,828
And you just want
to slap the bastard.

295
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,340
Did you ever notice
how awful your face looks

296
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:05,739
in a mirror in a restroom

297
00:13:05,809 --> 00:13:07,571
that has florescent lights?

298
00:13:08,645 --> 00:13:11,645
Every cut, scrape, scratch,
scar, scab, bruise, boil,

299
00:13:11,714 --> 00:13:13,741
bump, pimple, zit,
wart, welt and abscess

300
00:13:13,816 --> 00:13:14,607
you've had since birth

301
00:13:15,886 --> 00:13:18,078
all seem to come
back at the same time.

302
00:13:18,857 --> 00:13:19,781
And all you can think of is

303
00:13:19,858 --> 00:13:21,883
I got to get the
fuck out of here!

304
00:13:27,503 --> 00:13:28,637
Did you ever
notice, sometimes

305
00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:31,261
when you're walking with
your arm around your date,

306
00:13:31,340 --> 00:13:33,842
one of you has to change
the way you're walking?

307
00:13:35,010 --> 00:13:36,707
Men and women
don't walk the same.

308
00:13:36,778 --> 00:13:38,343
One of them has to change.

309
00:13:38,413 --> 00:13:40,647
Either the man
has to walk like this.

310
00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:47,917
Or the woman
has to walk like this.

311
00:13:50,992 --> 00:13:52,525
Joey, how are you?

312
00:13:57,830 --> 00:13:59,595
How about when you're
going up a flight of stairs

313
00:13:59,666 --> 00:14:01,227
and you think
there's one more step,

314
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:04,965
<i>and you go harghh.</i>

315
00:14:06,239 --> 00:14:08,774
And then you have to kind of
keep doing that, you know,

316
00:14:09,542 --> 00:14:10,302
so people will think

317
00:14:10,376 --> 00:14:12,177
it's something
you do all the time.

318
00:14:12,946 --> 00:14:14,476
I do this all the time.

319
00:14:16,048 --> 00:14:18,279
It's the third
stage of syphilis.

320
00:14:23,189 --> 00:14:25,389
Same thing happens when
you're going down the stairs.

321
00:14:25,725 --> 00:14:27,556
You could swear there
was one more step.

322
00:14:30,529 --> 00:14:31,593
Holy shit.

323
00:14:32,565 --> 00:14:34,195
My hips are in my chest.

324
00:14:47,875 --> 00:14:50,036
When you drink grapefruit
juice in the morning,

325
00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:51,176
do you go like this...

326
00:14:55,847 --> 00:14:57,538
I do, too.

327
00:14:57,616 --> 00:14:59,579
Why do we drink it?

328
00:15:01,053 --> 00:15:03,051
It's like ice cream throat.

329
00:15:03,522 --> 00:15:05,289
You know when you've been
eating ice cream too fast

330
00:15:05,356 --> 00:15:07,424
and you get that frozen spot
on the back of your throat,

331
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:08,524
but you can't do
anything about it

332
00:15:08,593 --> 00:15:09,717
cause you can't
reach it to rub it?

333
00:15:09,994 --> 00:15:11,794
You just have to kind of
wait for it to go away,

334
00:15:12,064 --> 00:15:13,261
and it does.

335
00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:14,426
Then what do you do?

336
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:16,591
Eat more ice cream!

337
00:15:16,968 --> 00:15:19,137
What are we, fucking stupid?

338
00:15:24,775 --> 00:15:27,275
Did you ever fall asleep
in the late afternoon

339
00:15:27,548 --> 00:15:29,040
and wake up after dark

340
00:15:29,216 --> 00:15:31,243
and you don't know
what goddamn day it is?

341
00:15:37,858 --> 00:15:39,419
Like when you have
your head on the pillow.

342
00:15:39,493 --> 00:15:41,256
Did you ever notice when you
have your head on the pillow,

343
00:15:41,329 --> 00:15:42,129
if you close the...

344
00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:45,230
if you close the bottom eye,
the pillow is down there?

345
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,558
Then if you switch eyes,

346
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:49,196
the pillow moves up there.

347
00:15:50,170 --> 00:15:52,834
Oh, holy shit,
Dave, look at this.

348
00:15:54,508 --> 00:15:56,641
The mystery of
the moving pillow.

349
00:15:57,511 --> 00:15:58,505
I think it's related to

350
00:15:58,579 --> 00:16:02,406
<i>the chain link fence
mystery myself, doowoowoo.</i>

351
00:16:04,388 --> 00:16:07,687
Did you ever have to sneeze
while you're taking a piss?

352
00:16:10,361 --> 00:16:11,887
It's frightening, isn't it?

353
00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:15,266
It's frightening cause
actually, you can't do it.

354
00:16:15,835 --> 00:16:17,698
It's physically impossible

355
00:16:17,770 --> 00:16:19,634
to sneeze while pissing.

356
00:16:19,706 --> 00:16:21,570
Your brain won't
let it happen.

357
00:16:22,041 --> 00:16:24,767
Your brain says:
Stop pissing!

358
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,937
We're going to sneeze now!

359
00:16:29,415 --> 00:16:30,449
Cause your brain knows

360
00:16:30,517 --> 00:16:33,509
you might blow
your asshole out.

361
00:16:46,303 --> 00:16:48,494
Something else
we have in common,

362
00:16:49,273 --> 00:16:51,405
flying on the airlines.

363
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:54,235
And listening to the
airlines announcements

364
00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:56,581
and trying to pretend
to ourselves that

365
00:16:56,748 --> 00:16:59,682
the language they're using
is really English.

366
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:01,914
Doesn't seem like it to me.

367
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,814
Whole thing starts
when you get to the gate.

368
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:05,247
First announcement:

369
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:08,683
"We would like to begin
the boarding process."

370
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:09,760
Extra word:

371
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:10,659
"process",

372
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:11,688
not necessary.

373
00:17:11,765 --> 00:17:12,857
"Boarding" is enough.

374
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,094
"We'd like to
begin the boarding."

375
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,834
Simple, tells the story.

376
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,836
People add extra words when
they want things to sound

377
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,896
more important
than they really are.

378
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,643
Boarding process.

379
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,037
Sounds important.

380
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,005
It isn't.

381
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,278
It's just a bunch of people
getting on an airplane.

382
00:17:30,351 --> 00:17:32,242
People like to
sound important.

383
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,978
Weathermen on television
talk about shower activity.

384
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,521
Sounds more
important than showers.

385
00:17:38,593 --> 00:17:40,055
I even heard one guy on CNN

386
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,187
talk about a rain event.

387
00:17:42,163 --> 00:17:42,922
Swear to God.

388
00:17:42,997 --> 00:17:44,797
He said Louisiana's
expecting a rain event.

389
00:17:44,866 --> 00:17:45,698
I thought, holy shit,

390
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,630
I hope I can
get tickets to that.

391
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,997
"Emergency situation".

392
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,965
News people like to say
police have responded

393
00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:58,620
to an emergency situation.

394
00:17:58,779 --> 00:17:59,560
No, they haven't.

395
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,518
They're responded
to an emergency.

396
00:18:01,635 --> 00:18:03,963
We know it's a situation.

397
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,199
Everything is a situation.

398
00:18:08,089 --> 00:18:10,055
Anyway, as part of
this boarding process,

399
00:18:10,425 --> 00:18:13,245
they say "we would
like to pre-board".

400
00:18:14,331 --> 00:18:16,395
What exactly is that, anyway?

401
00:18:17,006 --> 00:18:18,104
What does it
mean to pre-board,

402
00:18:18,171 --> 00:18:19,545
you get on before
you get on?

403
00:18:21,994 --> 00:18:23,518
That's another
complaint of mine,

404
00:18:23,629 --> 00:18:25,575
too much use
of this prefix "pre".

405
00:18:25,675 --> 00:18:28,164
It's all over the language
now, pre-this, pre-that.

406
00:18:28,311 --> 00:18:29,474
Place the turkey
in a pre-heated oven.

407
00:18:29,546 --> 00:18:30,333
It's ridiculous!

408
00:18:30,447 --> 00:18:33,087
There are only two states an
oven can possibly exist in,

409
00:18:33,216 --> 00:18:34,876
heated or unheated.

410
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,838
Pre-heated is a
meaningless fucking term.

411
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:39,980
It's like pre-recorded.

412
00:18:40,057 --> 00:18:41,319
"This program
was pre-recorded."

413
00:18:41,391 --> 00:18:42,449
Well, of course
it was pre-recorded.

414
00:18:42,526 --> 00:18:44,729
When else you going to
record it, afterwards?

415
00:18:46,129 --> 00:18:47,818
That's the whole
purpose of recording,

416
00:18:47,898 --> 00:18:49,094
to do it beforehand.

417
00:18:49,733 --> 00:18:51,129
Otherwise, it doesn't
really work, does it?

418
00:18:54,074 --> 00:18:55,236
Pre-existing,

419
00:18:55,324 --> 00:18:56,161
pre-planning,

420
00:18:56,199 --> 00:18:57,414
pre-screening.

421
00:18:57,499 --> 00:18:58,774
You what I tell these people?

422
00:18:58,799 --> 00:19:01,664
Pre-suck my genital situation.

423
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,875
And they seem to understand
what I'm talking about.

424
00:19:13,824 --> 00:19:14,822
Anyway, as part
of this pre-boarding,

425
00:19:14,894 --> 00:19:18,619
they say "we would like to
pre-board those passengers

426
00:19:18,629 --> 00:19:20,630
traveling with small children."

427
00:19:20,866 --> 00:19:21,960
Well, what about
those passengers

428
00:19:22,001 --> 00:19:23,262
traveling with large children?

429
00:19:24,168 --> 00:19:25,125
Suppose you have
a two-year-old

430
00:19:25,144 --> 00:19:26,338
with a pituitary disorder?

431
00:19:27,564 --> 00:19:28,893
You know, a six-foot infant

432
00:19:28,924 --> 00:19:30,261
with an oversized head,

433
00:19:31,459 --> 00:19:32,199
the kind of kid you see

434
00:19:32,263 --> 00:19:33,794
in the "National Inquirer"
all the time.

435
00:19:34,584 --> 00:19:35,673
Actually, with
a kid like that,

436
00:19:35,811 --> 00:19:36,914
I think you're better off
checking him right in

437
00:19:36,919 --> 00:19:38,406
with your luggage
at the curb, don't you?

438
00:19:39,362 --> 00:19:40,603
Well, they like
it under there.

439
00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:41,314
It's dark.

440
00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:42,412
They're used to that.

441
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:44,001
About this time,

442
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:45,531
someone is telling you
to get on the plane.

443
00:19:45,574 --> 00:19:46,348
"Get on the plane."

444
00:19:46,361 --> 00:19:47,071
"Get on the plane."

445
00:19:47,271 --> 00:19:48,395
I say fuck you,

446
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,337
I'm getting IN the plane.

447
00:19:51,938 --> 00:19:52,977
IN the plane!

448
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,609
Let Evel Kneivel
get ON the plane.

449
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:02,524
I'll be in here with
you folks in uniform.

450
00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:06,052
There seems to be
less wind in here.

451
00:20:09,916 --> 00:20:10,814
They might tell you

452
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,644
you're on a non-stop flight.

453
00:20:16,161 --> 00:20:17,664
Well, I don't think
I care for that.

454
00:20:18,575 --> 00:20:21,134
No, I insist that
my flights stop,

455
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,107
preferably at an airport.

456
00:20:25,166 --> 00:20:26,599
It's those sudden unscheduled

457
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:28,766
cornfield and housing
development stops

458
00:20:29,503 --> 00:20:31,859
that seem to interrupt
the flow of my day.

459
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,375
Here's one they just made up,

460
00:20:37,912 --> 00:20:39,305
near miss.

461
00:20:40,681 --> 00:20:42,401
When two planes
almost collide,

462
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,191
they call it a near miss.

463
00:20:44,279 --> 00:20:45,834
It's a near hit!

464
00:20:47,117 --> 00:20:49,854
A collision is a near miss.

465
00:20:50,471 --> 00:20:51,761
<i>Boom.</i>

466
00:20:52,171 --> 00:20:54,281
Look, they nearly missed.

467
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:07,389
Yes, but not quite.

468
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,761
They might tell you your
flight has been delayed

469
00:21:13,835 --> 00:21:15,503
because of a
change of equipment.

470
00:21:15,571 --> 00:21:18,768
Broken plane!

471
00:21:20,027 --> 00:21:21,905
Tell me to put
my seat back forward.

472
00:21:24,504 --> 00:21:26,114
Well, I don't bend that way.

473
00:21:26,695 --> 00:21:28,034
If I could put my
seat back forward,

474
00:21:28,134 --> 00:21:29,484
I'd be in porno movies.

475
00:21:33,394 --> 00:21:35,089
Then they mention
"carry on" luggage.

476
00:21:35,162 --> 00:21:36,086
First time I heard "carrion",

477
00:21:36,134 --> 00:21:37,929
I thought they were going to
bring a dead deer on board.

478
00:21:38,499 --> 00:21:39,291
I thought what the hell
do they need with that.

479
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:41,205
Don't they have the
little TV dinners anymore?

480
00:21:41,663 --> 00:21:43,588
Then I thought
carry on, carry on,

481
00:21:43,644 --> 00:21:44,751
there's going to be a party.

482
00:21:44,809 --> 00:21:47,426
People are going to be
carrying on, on the plane.

483
00:21:48,119 --> 00:21:49,076
Well, I don't care for that.

484
00:21:49,144 --> 00:21:51,169
I like a serious
attitude on the plane,

485
00:21:51,246 --> 00:21:53,259
especially on the flight deck

486
00:21:53,414 --> 00:21:56,378
which is the latest
euphemism for cockpit.

487
00:21:57,753 --> 00:21:59,118
Can't imagine why they
wouldn't want to use

488
00:21:59,188 --> 00:22:01,566
a lovely word like
cockpit, can you?

489
00:22:02,157 --> 00:22:03,414
Especially with
all those stewardesses

490
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:04,885
going in and out
of it all the time.

491
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:13,591
There's a word that's changed,

492
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:14,317
Stewardess.

493
00:22:14,384 --> 00:22:15,395
First, it was Hostess,

494
00:22:15,505 --> 00:22:16,214
then Stewardess,

495
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:17,777
now, it's flight attendant.

496
00:22:17,816 --> 00:22:18,774
You know what I call em?

497
00:22:18,929 --> 00:22:20,754
The lady on the plane.

498
00:22:21,343 --> 00:22:23,085
Sometimes it's a
man on the plane now.

499
00:22:23,189 --> 00:22:23,988
That's good, equality,

500
00:22:24,074 --> 00:22:25,417
I am all in favor of that.

501
00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:28,872
Sometimes, they actually
refer to these people as

502
00:22:29,401 --> 00:22:31,809
uniformed crew members.

503
00:22:32,262 --> 00:22:33,384
Uniformed.

504
00:22:33,397 --> 00:22:34,774
As opposed to that guy
sitting next to you

505
00:22:34,791 --> 00:22:35,805
in the Grateful Dead tee shirt

506
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:36,919
and the "Fuck You" hat,

507
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:40,879
who's working on his

508
00:22:40,958 --> 00:22:43,613
ninth little bottle
of Kaluha, I might add.

509
00:22:46,114 --> 00:22:48,195
As soon as they close
the door to the aircraft,

510
00:22:48,257 --> 00:22:50,664
that's when they begin
the safety lecture.

511
00:22:50,837 --> 00:22:53,499
I love the safety lecture.

512
00:22:53,834 --> 00:22:55,779
This is my favorite part
of the airplane ride.

513
00:22:56,039 --> 00:22:58,001
I listen very carefully
to the safety lecture,

514
00:22:58,345 --> 00:23:00,174
especially that part
where they teach us

515
00:23:00,217 --> 00:23:02,237
how to use the seat belt.

516
00:23:03,477 --> 00:23:04,209
Imagine this.

517
00:23:04,401 --> 00:23:07,268
Here we are, a plane full
of grown human beings,

518
00:23:07,571 --> 00:23:09,587
many of us
partially educated,

519
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:11,757
and they're actually
taking time out

520
00:23:11,926 --> 00:23:15,195
to describe the intricate
workings of a belt buckle.

521
00:23:16,601 --> 00:23:21,574
Place the small metal
flap into the buckle.

522
00:23:21,749 --> 00:23:24,539
Well, I ask for
clarification at that point.

523
00:23:27,641 --> 00:23:30,194
Over here, please.
Over here. Yes.

524
00:23:30,312 --> 00:23:31,064
Thank you very much.

525
00:23:31,246 --> 00:23:32,639
Did I hear you correctly?

526
00:23:33,114 --> 00:23:35,337
Did you say place
the small metal flap

527
00:23:35,464 --> 00:23:36,424
into the buckle

528
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,299
or place the buckle

529
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,564
over and around
the small metal flap?

530
00:23:41,319 --> 00:23:42,174
I'm a simple man.

531
00:23:42,191 --> 00:23:43,614
I do not possess an
engineering degree

532
00:23:43,689 --> 00:23:44,923
nor am I
mechanically inclined.

533
00:23:45,764 --> 00:23:47,174
Sorry to have taken up
so much of your time.

534
00:23:47,214 --> 00:23:50,535
Please continue with the
wonderful safety lecture.

535
00:23:51,475 --> 00:23:54,163
Seat belts, high tech shit.

536
00:23:56,274 --> 00:23:58,557
The safety lecture continues.

537
00:23:58,559 --> 00:23:59,451
The next thing they do,

538
00:23:59,544 --> 00:24:02,911
they tell you to locate
your nearest emergency exit.

539
00:24:03,374 --> 00:24:05,144
I do this immediately.

540
00:24:09,088 --> 00:24:11,235
I locate my nearest
emergency exit

541
00:24:11,554 --> 00:24:12,735
and then I plan my route.

542
00:24:13,841 --> 00:24:14,941
You have to plan your route.

543
00:24:14,991 --> 00:24:16,366
It's not always a
straight line, is it?

544
00:24:16,587 --> 00:24:18,514
Sometimes there's
a really big fat fuck

545
00:24:18,591 --> 00:24:19,738
sitting right in front of you.

546
00:24:24,677 --> 00:24:26,184
Well, you know you'll
never get over him.

547
00:24:26,844 --> 00:24:29,054
I look around for women and
children, midgets and dwarfs,

548
00:24:29,114 --> 00:24:30,944
cripples, war widows,
paralyzed veterans,

549
00:24:31,192 --> 00:24:32,014
people with broken legs,

550
00:24:32,094 --> 00:24:33,628
anyone who looks like
they can't move too well.

551
00:24:34,601 --> 00:24:36,463
The emotionally disturbed
come in very handy

552
00:24:36,531 --> 00:24:37,497
at a time like this.

553
00:24:38,084 --> 00:24:39,688
You may have to go out of
your way to find these people,

554
00:24:39,703 --> 00:24:40,487
but you'll get
out of the plane

555
00:24:40,537 --> 00:24:42,056
a lot goddamn
quicker, believe me.

556
00:24:43,011 --> 00:24:44,020
I say let's see,

557
00:24:44,132 --> 00:24:45,713
I'll go around the fat fuck,

558
00:24:46,565 --> 00:24:47,905
step on the widow's head,

559
00:24:48,829 --> 00:24:50,441
push those children
out of the way,

560
00:24:50,616 --> 00:24:52,467
knock down the
paralyzed midget

561
00:24:53,929 --> 00:24:55,004
and get out of the plane

562
00:24:55,109 --> 00:24:56,877
where I can help others.

563
00:25:07,777 --> 00:25:09,174
I can be of no help to anyone

564
00:25:09,233 --> 00:25:10,760
if I'm lying
unconscious in the aisle

565
00:25:10,835 --> 00:25:12,938
with some big cock sucker
standing on my head.

566
00:25:13,791 --> 00:25:15,014
I must get out of the plane,

567
00:25:15,095 --> 00:25:16,441
go to a nearby farmhouse,

568
00:25:16,567 --> 00:25:17,584
have a Dr. Pepper,

569
00:25:17,609 --> 00:25:18,795
and call the police.

570
00:25:22,196 --> 00:25:24,524
The safety lecture continues.

571
00:25:25,254 --> 00:25:27,516
In the unlikely event...

572
00:25:28,364 --> 00:25:29,989
This is a very suspect phrase.

573
00:25:31,002 --> 00:25:32,533
Especially coming as
it does from an industry

574
00:25:32,621 --> 00:25:35,065
that is willing to lie about
arrival and departure times.

575
00:25:36,886 --> 00:25:38,765
In the unlikely event

576
00:25:38,799 --> 00:25:41,845
of a sudden change
in cabin pressure...

577
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:44,187
Roof flies off!

578
00:25:48,789 --> 00:25:51,797
An oxygen mask will
drop down in front of you.

579
00:25:52,736 --> 00:25:56,600
Place the mask over your
face and breathe normally.

580
00:25:58,924 --> 00:26:00,220
Well, I have no
problem with that.

581
00:26:00,355 --> 00:26:01,394
I always breathe normally

582
00:26:01,414 --> 00:26:02,662
when I'm in a 600 mile an hour

583
00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:04,529
uncontrolled vertical dive.

584
00:26:06,777 --> 00:26:08,712
I also shit normally.

585
00:26:09,694 --> 00:26:11,633
Right in my pants!

586
00:26:17,624 --> 00:26:20,406
They tell you to
adjust your oxygen mask

587
00:26:20,554 --> 00:26:22,977
before helping
your child with his.

588
00:26:23,612 --> 00:26:27,042
I did not need
to be told that.

589
00:26:27,995 --> 00:26:29,264
In fact, I'm
probably going to be

590
00:26:29,275 --> 00:26:31,062
too busy screaming
to help him at all.

591
00:26:32,374 --> 00:26:35,744
This will be a good time for
him to learn self reliance.

592
00:26:37,227 --> 00:26:40,911
If he can program
his fucking VCR,

593
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:42,593
he can goddamn jolly well

594
00:26:42,615 --> 00:26:44,236
learn to adjust
an oxygen mask.

595
00:26:45,148 --> 00:26:46,187
Fairly simple thing,

596
00:26:46,235 --> 00:26:48,368
just a little rubber band
in the back is all it is.

597
00:26:48,801 --> 00:26:51,417
Not nearly as complicated
as, say, for instance,

598
00:26:51,644 --> 00:26:53,006
a seat belt.

599
00:26:55,725 --> 00:26:57,979
The safety lecture continues.

600
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:00,940
In the unlikely event

601
00:27:01,912 --> 00:27:03,521
of a water landing...

602
00:27:10,401 --> 00:27:15,628
Well, what exactly
is a "water landing"?

603
00:27:16,417 --> 00:27:19,521
Am I mistaken or does
this sound somewhat similar

604
00:27:19,583 --> 00:27:21,559
to crashing into the ocean?

605
00:27:26,535 --> 00:27:30,484
Your seat cushion can be
used as a flotation device.

606
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:32,366
Well, imagine that!

607
00:27:33,467 --> 00:27:34,581
My seat cushion.

608
00:27:34,846 --> 00:27:36,234
Just what I need,

609
00:27:37,103 --> 00:27:40,197
to float around the North
Atlantic for several days

610
00:27:41,213 --> 00:27:43,963
clinging to a pillow
full of beer farts.

611
00:27:58,509 --> 00:27:58,891
Thank you.

612
00:28:01,446 --> 00:28:02,715
The flight continues,

613
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:05,178
a little later on
toward the end, we hear

614
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:10,322
"the captain has turned on
the fasten seat belt sign".

615
00:28:11,297 --> 00:28:14,214
Well, who gives a
shit who turned it on?

616
00:28:14,975 --> 00:28:16,697
What does that have
to do with anything?

617
00:28:17,021 --> 00:28:18,164
It's on, isn't it?

618
00:28:20,549 --> 00:28:27,127
And who made this man
a captain, might I ask?

619
00:28:27,518 --> 00:28:28,794
Did I sleep
through some sort of

620
00:28:28,805 --> 00:28:31,377
an Armed Forces swearing
in ceremony or something?

621
00:28:31,897 --> 00:28:35,110
Captain? He's a fucking pilot
and let him be happy with that.

622
00:28:35,925 --> 00:28:37,510
If those sightseeing
announcements

623
00:28:37,564 --> 00:28:38,819
are any mark of his intellect,

624
00:28:38,846 --> 00:28:40,730
he's lucky to
be working at all.

625
00:28:41,961 --> 00:28:43,217
Tell the captain

626
00:28:43,571 --> 00:28:46,831
Air Marshal Carlin
says go fuck yourself.

627
00:28:57,613 --> 00:28:59,023
The next sentence I hear

628
00:28:59,129 --> 00:29:02,160
is full of things
that piss me off.

629
00:29:03,170 --> 00:29:05,074
Before leaving the aircraft,

630
00:29:05,321 --> 00:29:08,477
please check around
your immediate seating area

631
00:29:08,764 --> 00:29:10,581
for any personal belongings

632
00:29:10,669 --> 00:29:12,761
you might have
brought on board.

633
00:29:13,717 --> 00:29:17,446
Well, let's start with
"immediate seating area".

634
00:29:18,717 --> 00:29:19,570
Seat!

635
00:29:20,917 --> 00:29:22,549
It's a goddamn seat.

636
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,982
Check around your seat.

637
00:29:26,774 --> 00:29:29,174
"For any personal belongings".

638
00:29:29,850 --> 00:29:32,703
Well, what other kinds
of belongings are there,

639
00:29:33,214 --> 00:29:34,446
besides personal?

640
00:29:35,383 --> 00:29:37,008
Public belongings?

641
00:29:37,855 --> 00:29:39,703
Do these people honestly
think I might be traveling

642
00:29:39,777 --> 00:29:41,834
with a fountain
I stole from the park?

643
00:29:47,344 --> 00:29:50,041
"You might have
brought on board".

644
00:29:51,285 --> 00:29:51,799
Well,

645
00:29:53,345 --> 00:29:55,471
I might have brought
my arrowhead collection.

646
00:29:56,606 --> 00:29:57,545
I didn't,

647
00:29:58,197 --> 00:29:59,553
so I'm not going
to look for it.

648
00:30:00,902 --> 00:30:03,134
I am going to look for
things I brought on board.

649
00:30:03,781 --> 00:30:04,623
Which seem to enhance

650
00:30:04,630 --> 00:30:06,051
the likelihood of
my finding something,

651
00:30:06,074 --> 00:30:07,040
wouldn't you say?

652
00:30:11,635 --> 00:30:13,179
They tell me to return my
seat back and tray table

653
00:30:13,204 --> 00:30:14,675
to their original
upright positions.

654
00:30:14,888 --> 00:30:15,554
Fine.

655
00:30:15,612 --> 00:30:16,504
Who's going to
return this guy

656
00:30:16,581 --> 00:30:18,179
in the Grateful Dead
tee shirt and the "Fuck you" hat

657
00:30:18,276 --> 00:30:19,765
to his original
upright position?

658
00:30:23,999 --> 00:30:26,909
About this time, they tell
you you'll be landing shortly.

659
00:30:28,314 --> 00:30:30,163
That sound to you like we're
going to miss the runway?

660
00:30:31,499 --> 00:30:34,548
Final approach is not very
promising either, is it?

661
00:30:35,188 --> 00:30:38,879
Final is not a good word
to be using on an airplane.

662
00:30:39,681 --> 00:30:40,555
Sometimes the
pilot will get on,

663
00:30:40,691 --> 00:30:43,444
and he'll say we'll be on
the ground in 15 minutes.

664
00:30:44,917 --> 00:30:46,919
Well, that's a little
vague, isn't it?

665
00:30:50,435 --> 00:30:51,871
Now, we're taxiing in.

666
00:30:52,306 --> 00:30:56,714
She says welcome to
O'Hare International Airport.

667
00:30:57,523 --> 00:30:58,931
Well, how can someone

668
00:30:58,944 --> 00:31:00,825
who is just arriving herself

669
00:31:01,218 --> 00:31:04,192
possibly welcome me to a
place she isn't even at yet?

670
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:06,565
Doesn't this...

671
00:31:06,983 --> 00:31:10,733
Doesn't this violate some
fundamental law of physics?

672
00:31:11,607 --> 00:31:13,204
We're only on the
ground four seconds

673
00:31:13,258 --> 00:31:15,754
and she's coming on like
the fucking mayor's wife.

674
00:31:19,255 --> 00:31:21,172
Where the local time...

675
00:31:21,975 --> 00:31:23,739
Well, of course,
it's the local time.

676
00:31:24,430 --> 00:31:25,572
What does she think
we're expecting,

677
00:31:25,690 --> 00:31:27,868
the time in Pango-Pango?

678
00:31:29,910 --> 00:31:32,121
Enjoy your stay in Chicago

679
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,726
or wherever your final
destination might be.

680
00:31:39,406 --> 00:31:41,445
All destinations are final.

681
00:31:42,137 --> 00:31:44,384
That's what it means,
destiny, final.

682
00:31:44,940 --> 00:31:46,400
If you haven't gotten
where you're going,

683
00:31:46,809 --> 00:31:48,443
you aren't there yet.

684
00:31:54,192 --> 00:31:56,374
The captain has asked...

685
00:31:57,114 --> 00:31:59,415
More shit from
the bogus captain.

686
00:32:01,370 --> 00:32:03,206
You know, for someone who's
supposed to be flying an airplane,

687
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:04,680
he's taking a
mighty big interest

688
00:32:04,727 --> 00:32:06,313
in what I'm doing back here.

689
00:32:09,405 --> 00:32:11,193
That you remain seated

690
00:32:11,449 --> 00:32:13,241
until he has
brought the aircraft

691
00:32:13,416 --> 00:32:15,234
to a complete stop.

692
00:32:16,163 --> 00:32:17,365
Not a partial stop

693
00:32:18,565 --> 00:32:19,563
cause during a partial stop,

694
00:32:19,633 --> 00:32:20,990
I partially get up.

695
00:32:24,293 --> 00:32:28,130
Continue to observe
the no smoking sign

696
00:32:28,337 --> 00:32:30,950
until well inside
the terminal.

697
00:32:31,643 --> 00:32:35,160
It's physically impossible to
observe the no smoking sign

698
00:32:35,413 --> 00:32:38,106
even if you're standing just
outside the door of the airplane

699
00:32:38,676 --> 00:32:40,610
much less well
inside the terminal.

700
00:32:40,841 --> 00:32:43,027
You can't even
see the fucking planes

701
00:32:43,106 --> 00:32:44,669
from well inside the terminal.

702
00:32:56,780 --> 00:32:59,712
Which brings me to "terminal",

703
00:33:01,363 --> 00:33:02,779
another unfortunate word

704
00:33:02,860 --> 00:33:05,117
to be used in
association with air travel.

705
00:33:05,846 --> 00:33:07,633
And they use it all over
the airport, don't they?

706
00:33:07,950 --> 00:33:09,367
Somehow I just
can't get hungry

707
00:33:09,554 --> 00:33:12,426
at a place called
the Terminal Snack Bar.

708
00:33:14,041 --> 00:33:15,131
But if you've
ever eaten there,

709
00:33:15,289 --> 00:33:17,497
you know it is an
appropriate name.

710
00:33:21,164 --> 00:33:21,606
Thank you.

711
00:33:26,057 --> 00:33:26,652
Thank you very much.

712
00:33:30,237 --> 00:33:30,766
Okay!

713
00:33:31,060 --> 00:33:31,412
Now...

714
00:33:32,245 --> 00:33:33,543
Speaking of places to eat...

715
00:33:34,083 --> 00:33:36,503
Places to eat and what
they're called or named,

716
00:33:36,954 --> 00:33:39,113
Beverly Hills has
a brand new restaurant

717
00:33:39,137 --> 00:33:41,225
specifically for
bulimia victims.

718
00:33:41,813 --> 00:33:43,453
It's called the
Scarf and Barf.

719
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:46,870
Well, they were going to
call it the Fork and Bucket.

720
00:33:47,770 --> 00:33:49,838
Thank God good
taste prevailed.

721
00:33:50,474 --> 00:33:52,205
How about a
restaurant for anorexics?

722
00:33:52,705 --> 00:33:53,502
What would you call it?

723
00:33:53,996 --> 00:33:55,091
The Empty Plate,

724
00:33:56,498 --> 00:33:57,899
the Lonesome Chef,

725
00:33:58,569 --> 00:34:00,464
Start Without Me, Guys.

726
00:34:01,134 --> 00:34:03,341
See, somehow I can't
feel sorry for an anorexic,

727
00:34:03,448 --> 00:34:03,967
you know?

728
00:34:04,227 --> 00:34:05,246
Rich cunt, don't want to eat.

729
00:34:05,450 --> 00:34:06,476
Fuck her.

730
00:34:08,188 --> 00:34:09,079
Fuck her.

731
00:34:14,097 --> 00:34:15,914
Don't eat, I give a shit.

732
00:34:16,991 --> 00:34:18,688
Like I'm supposed to be
real concerned about this.

733
00:34:18,737 --> 00:34:20,887
I don't want to eat!

734
00:34:21,596 --> 00:34:22,972
Go fuck yourself.

735
00:34:25,533 --> 00:34:27,634
Why don't you lie down
in front of a railroad train

736
00:34:27,681 --> 00:34:29,146
right after you don't eat?

737
00:34:29,905 --> 00:34:31,610
What kind of a goddamned
disease is that anyway?

738
00:34:31,647 --> 00:34:33,904
I don't want to eat!

739
00:34:34,679 --> 00:34:37,127
How do we come up with
this shit in this country?

740
00:34:37,695 --> 00:34:39,253
Where do we get
our values from?

741
00:34:39,359 --> 00:34:41,925
Bulimia, there's another
all American desease.

742
00:34:42,170 --> 00:34:43,853
This has got to be the
only country in the world

743
00:34:43,913 --> 00:34:45,699
that could ever have
come up with bulimia.

744
00:34:45,830 --> 00:34:47,310
Got to be the only country
where some people

745
00:34:47,337 --> 00:34:49,511
are digging in the
dumpster for a peach pit.

746
00:34:49,940 --> 00:34:51,020
Other people eat a nice meal

747
00:34:51,152 --> 00:34:52,746
and puke it up intentionally.

748
00:34:53,610 --> 00:34:54,761
Where do we get
our values from?

749
00:34:54,938 --> 00:34:56,733
I do not
understand our values.

750
00:34:58,124 --> 00:35:00,235
By the way, speaking
of American values,

751
00:35:00,286 --> 00:35:02,826
aren't we about due to start
bombing some small country

752
00:35:02,930 --> 00:35:05,302
that only has a marginally
effective air force?

753
00:35:06,069 --> 00:35:07,561
Seems to me like we're a
couple of weeks overdue

754
00:35:07,718 --> 00:35:10,313
to drop high explosives
on helpless civilians,

755
00:35:10,579 --> 00:35:12,725
people who have no argument
with us whatsoever.

756
00:35:12,869 --> 00:35:15,070
I think we ought to be out there
doing what we do best, gang,

757
00:35:15,152 --> 00:35:17,835
making large holes in
other people's countries.

758
00:35:18,227 --> 00:35:21,173
I hate to be repetitious,
but we are a warlike lot.

759
00:35:21,223 --> 00:35:24,107
We can't stand not to be
fucking with somebody.

760
00:35:24,180 --> 00:35:26,408
We couldn't wait for that
cold war to be over, could we?

761
00:35:26,539 --> 00:35:27,967
Couldn't wait for that
cold war to be over so we

762
00:35:28,013 --> 00:35:29,682
could go and play with
our toys in the sand.

763
00:35:29,950 --> 00:35:31,651
Go play with our
toys in the sand.

764
00:35:32,137 --> 00:35:35,070
And when we're not invading
some sovereign nation

765
00:35:35,375 --> 00:35:38,690
or setting it on fire from
the air, which is more fun

766
00:35:38,737 --> 00:35:41,042
for a Nintendo pilot, then...

767
00:35:41,479 --> 00:35:44,531
then we're usually declaring
war on something here at home.

768
00:35:44,577 --> 00:35:45,457
Did you ever notice
that about us?

769
00:35:45,533 --> 00:35:48,222
We love to declare war
on things here in America.

770
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:49,746
Anything we don't
like about ourselves,

771
00:35:49,826 --> 00:35:51,045
we have to declare war on it.

772
00:35:51,265 --> 00:35:52,277
We don't do
anything about it.

773
00:35:52,445 --> 00:35:53,850
We just declare war on it.

774
00:35:54,096 --> 00:35:55,580
It's the only metaphor...

775
00:35:55,758 --> 00:35:58,096
The only metaphor we
have in our public discourse

776
00:35:58,310 --> 00:35:59,143
for solving problems:

777
00:35:59,268 --> 00:35:59,973
Declaring war!

778
00:36:00,101 --> 00:36:02,073
We have to declare war on everything!
We have the war on crime,

779
00:36:02,097 --> 00:36:03,602
the war on poverty, the war on litter,

780
00:36:03,669 --> 00:36:04,406
the war on cancer,

781
00:36:04,541 --> 00:36:05,469
the war on drugs.

782
00:36:05,678 --> 00:36:06,533
But you ever notice

783
00:36:06,718 --> 00:36:08,635
we got no war on
homelessness, ahn?

784
00:36:08,930 --> 00:36:09,994
No war on homelessness.

785
00:36:10,043 --> 00:36:10,730
Do you know why?

786
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:12,474
There's no money
in that problem.

787
00:36:13,097 --> 00:36:16,039
No money to be made
off of the homeless.

788
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:17,974
If you could find a solution...

789
00:36:18,109 --> 00:36:19,571
If you could find a
solution to homelessness

790
00:36:19,612 --> 00:36:22,255
where the corporate swine,
and the politicians

791
00:36:22,303 --> 00:36:23,888
could steal a couple
of million dollars each,

792
00:36:24,078 --> 00:36:26,007
you'd see the streets of
America begin to clear up

793
00:36:26,057 --> 00:36:28,182
pretty goddamn quick,
I'll guarantee you that!

794
00:36:28,347 --> 00:36:30,013
I will guarantee you that!

795
00:36:30,500 --> 00:36:31,023
Yeah!

796
00:36:33,147 --> 00:36:33,750
I got...

797
00:36:37,242 --> 00:36:38,583
I got an idea, you know
what they oughta do?

798
00:36:38,763 --> 00:36:41,477
Give the homeless
their own magazine.

799
00:36:42,151 --> 00:36:43,047
Give their own magazine.

800
00:36:43,131 --> 00:36:44,922
It'll make them feel
better for one thing.

801
00:36:45,385 --> 00:36:47,672
That's a sure sign of
making it in this country.

802
00:36:47,730 --> 00:36:48,897
Every group in this country

803
00:36:48,950 --> 00:36:50,600
that arrives at
a certain level

804
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,203
has its own magazine.

805
00:36:52,303 --> 00:36:54,010
We have Working
Mother Magazine,

806
00:36:54,102 --> 00:36:55,996
Black Entrepreneur Magazine,

807
00:36:56,029 --> 00:36:57,742
Hispanic Business Magazine.

808
00:36:57,852 --> 00:36:59,714
In fact, any activity,

809
00:36:59,933 --> 00:37:01,339
any activity engaged in

810
00:37:01,439 --> 00:37:03,447
by more than four
people in this country

811
00:37:03,837 --> 00:37:05,570
has got a fucking
magazine devoted to it.

812
00:37:06,382 --> 00:37:07,097
Sky-diving,

813
00:37:07,221 --> 00:37:08,022
snowmobiling,

814
00:37:08,140 --> 00:37:08,875
backpacking,

815
00:37:08,931 --> 00:37:09,677
mountain climbing,

816
00:37:09,751 --> 00:37:10,998
bungee jumping,

817
00:37:11,328 --> 00:37:12,127
skeet shooting,

818
00:37:12,128 --> 00:37:12,847
duck hunting,

819
00:37:12,910 --> 00:37:13,993
jerking off, playing pool,

820
00:37:14,110 --> 00:37:16,208
shooting someone in the
asshole with a dart gun...

821
00:37:16,771 --> 00:37:18,420
They probably got a
fucking magazine for that!

822
00:37:19,093 --> 00:37:21,542
Walking!
For Christ's sakes!

823
00:37:21,813 --> 00:37:23,906
Walking!

824
00:37:24,364 --> 00:37:28,063
There's actually a fucking
magazine called "Walking"!

825
00:37:29,142 --> 00:37:32,679
Look, Dan, the new
"Walking" is out.

826
00:37:34,151 --> 00:37:35,280
Here's a good article,

827
00:37:35,393 --> 00:37:37,571
Putting One Foot
in Front of the Other.

828
00:37:39,182 --> 00:37:40,707
Give them their own magazine.

829
00:37:41,752 --> 00:37:43,229
Give them their own magazine.

830
00:37:46,389 --> 00:37:48,058
You know what you'd call a
magazine for the homeless?

831
00:37:48,105 --> 00:37:49,823
"Better Crates and Cartons".

832
00:37:51,598 --> 00:37:53,200
Yeah! Then when they
get finished reading it,

833
00:37:53,247 --> 00:37:55,335
they can use it to
line their clothing.

834
00:37:55,753 --> 00:37:58,345
That's a good sound
business solution, isn't?

835
00:37:58,473 --> 00:37:59,297
That's the kind
of answer you get

836
00:37:59,369 --> 00:38:01,523
from a conservative
American businessman,

837
00:38:01,538 --> 00:38:02,946
who's gonna say:
"Yeah, let them read it.

838
00:38:03,007 --> 00:38:03,765
When they get
finished reading it,

839
00:38:03,801 --> 00:38:06,008
they can use it to plug up
the holes in them piano crates

840
00:38:06,035 --> 00:38:07,752
they all seem
to like to live in."

841
00:38:08,016 --> 00:38:09,347
A good sound, practical,

842
00:38:09,598 --> 00:38:14,712
conservative American
business solution.

843
00:38:14,944 --> 00:38:17,094
I got an idea about homelessness.
You know what we oughta do?

844
00:38:17,577 --> 00:38:19,675
Change the name of it.
Change the name.

845
00:38:19,731 --> 00:38:21,034
It's not homelessness.

846
00:38:21,261 --> 00:38:22,385
It's houselessness!

847
00:38:22,677 --> 00:38:24,279
It's houses these people need.

848
00:38:24,703 --> 00:38:26,397
A home is an abstract idea.

849
00:38:26,505 --> 00:38:27,502
A home is a setting.

850
00:38:27,565 --> 00:38:28,537
It's a state of mind.

851
00:38:28,752 --> 00:38:29,833
These people need houses,

852
00:38:30,013 --> 00:38:31,904
physical, tangible structures.

853
00:38:31,953 --> 00:38:33,753
They need low-cost housing!

854
00:38:33,835 --> 00:38:34,784
But where you
gonna to put it?

855
00:38:35,204 --> 00:38:36,630
That's fine, but
where you gonna put it?

856
00:38:36,717 --> 00:38:37,222
Where are you gonna put it?

857
00:38:37,231 --> 00:38:40,866
Nobody wants you to build low
cost housing near their house.

858
00:38:41,117 --> 00:38:42,298
People don't
want it near them.

859
00:38:42,507 --> 00:38:43,430
We got something
in this country.

860
00:38:43,471 --> 00:38:44,944
You've heard of it,
it's called "nimby",

861
00:38:45,028 --> 00:38:48,085
N-l-M-B-Y,
"Not In My Back Yard!"

862
00:38:48,820 --> 00:38:51,453
People don't want anything,
any kind of social help

863
00:38:51,547 --> 00:38:53,090
located anywhere near them.

864
00:38:53,185 --> 00:38:54,936
You try to open up
a halfway house,

865
00:38:55,173 --> 00:38:57,994
try to open up a drug rehab
or an alcohol rehab center,

866
00:38:58,049 --> 00:38:59,537
try to do a homeless
shelter somewhere,

867
00:38:59,605 --> 00:39:01,829
try to open up a little home
for some retarded people

868
00:39:01,957 --> 00:39:03,451
who want to work their
way into the community,

869
00:39:03,542 --> 00:39:05,804
people say: "Not
in my back yard!"

870
00:39:06,095 --> 00:39:07,581
People don't want
anything near them,

871
00:39:08,125 --> 00:39:10,838
especially if it might
help somebody else.

872
00:39:11,188 --> 00:39:13,419
Part of the great American
spirit of generosity

873
00:39:13,527 --> 00:39:14,254
we hear about.

874
00:39:14,286 --> 00:39:14,746
<i>Prrrr.</i>

875
00:39:15,247 --> 00:39:15,744
<i>Prrrr.</i>

876
00:39:16,300 --> 00:39:18,261
Great generous
American spirit!

877
00:39:18,761 --> 00:39:20,644
You can ask an
indian about that!

878
00:39:20,897 --> 00:39:21,733
Ask an Indian about...

879
00:39:21,767 --> 00:39:23,119
if you can find one.

880
00:39:23,739 --> 00:39:25,038
You got to locate
the Indian first.

881
00:39:25,109 --> 00:39:27,379
We've made him just
a little difficult to find.

882
00:39:27,578 --> 00:39:28,565
Or if you need current data,

883
00:39:28,784 --> 00:39:30,764
select a black family
at random and ask them

884
00:39:30,871 --> 00:39:32,997
how generous
America has been to them.

885
00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:34,627
People don't want
anything near them,

886
00:39:34,916 --> 00:39:36,546
even if it's something
they believe in,

887
00:39:36,861 --> 00:39:39,191
something they think
society needs, like prisons.

888
00:39:39,317 --> 00:39:40,747
Everybody wants
more prisons, right?

889
00:39:40,826 --> 00:39:43,918
Everybody wants more prisons.
People say: "Build more prisons!"

890
00:39:44,855 --> 00:39:46,073
"But not here."

891
00:39:47,329 --> 00:39:48,272
Well, why not? What's wrong?

892
00:39:48,475 --> 00:39:49,148
What's the problem?

893
00:39:49,469 --> 00:39:51,136
What's wrong with having a
prison in your neighborhood?

894
00:39:51,270 --> 00:39:52,189
It seems to me
like it would make it

895
00:39:52,220 --> 00:39:54,161
a pretty crime free
area, don't you think?

896
00:39:54,737 --> 00:39:56,750
You think a lot of crack heads,
and pimps, and hookers,

897
00:39:56,872 --> 00:39:57,897
and thieves are
gonna be hanging around

898
00:39:57,966 --> 00:39:59,096
in front of a fucking prison?

899
00:39:59,932 --> 00:40:00,367
Bullshit!

900
00:40:00,459 --> 00:40:01,836
They ain't coming
anywhere near them!

901
00:40:02,286 --> 00:40:03,145
What's wrong
with these people?

902
00:40:03,215 --> 00:40:05,163
All the criminals are
locked up behind the walls.

903
00:40:05,207 --> 00:40:06,401
And if a couple
of them do break out,

904
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:07,282
what do you think
they're going to do?

905
00:40:07,362 --> 00:40:09,008
Hang around,

906
00:40:09,993 --> 00:40:11,851
check real estate trends?

907
00:40:12,168 --> 00:40:14,877
Bullshit!
They're fucking gone!

908
00:40:15,372 --> 00:40:16,863
That's the whole idea
of breaking out of prison,

909
00:40:16,927 --> 00:40:19,377
is to get the fuck as far
away as you possibly can!

910
00:40:20,963 --> 00:40:22,936
"Not in my back yard!"

911
00:40:23,590 --> 00:40:25,673
People don't want
anything near them.

912
00:40:26,611 --> 00:40:28,139
Except military bases.

913
00:40:28,735 --> 00:40:30,456
They don't mind that,
do they? They like that!

914
00:40:30,610 --> 00:40:32,094
Give them an army base,
give them a navy base.

915
00:40:32,177 --> 00:40:33,834
Makes them happy.
Why? Jobs!

916
00:40:34,153 --> 00:40:35,933
Jobs! Self interest.

917
00:40:36,051 --> 00:40:38,014
Even if the base is loaded
with nuclear weapons,

918
00:40:38,088 --> 00:40:38,840
they don't give a fuck!

919
00:40:39,740 --> 00:40:40,279
They say: "Well,

920
00:40:40,390 --> 00:40:42,399
I'll take a little
radiation if I can get a job."

921
00:40:43,426 --> 00:40:45,347
Working people have
been fucked over so long

922
00:40:45,397 --> 00:40:47,317
in this country those
are the kind of decisions

923
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:48,264
they're left to make!

924
00:40:48,727 --> 00:40:51,560
I got just the place
for low cost housing.

925
00:40:51,634 --> 00:40:53,305
I have solved this problem!

926
00:40:53,664 --> 00:40:56,149
I know where we can build
housing for the homeless.

927
00:40:56,585 --> 00:40:58,010
Golf courses!

928
00:40:59,110 --> 00:40:59,967
Perfect!

929
00:41:00,562 --> 00:41:02,082
Golf courses!

930
00:41:03,625 --> 00:41:04,954
Just what we need.

931
00:41:06,455 --> 00:41:07,783
Just what we need.

932
00:41:08,214 --> 00:41:10,977
Plenty of good land,
in nice neighborhoods,

933
00:41:11,511 --> 00:41:13,322
land that is
currently being wasted

934
00:41:13,405 --> 00:41:15,477
on a meaningless,
mindless activity

935
00:41:16,222 --> 00:41:20,709
engaged in...
engaged in primarily by white,

936
00:41:21,002 --> 00:41:22,774
well-to-do, male businessmen

937
00:41:22,852 --> 00:41:24,652
who use the game to get
together to make deals

938
00:41:24,742 --> 00:41:25,779
to carve this country up

939
00:41:25,930 --> 00:41:27,521
a little finer
among themselves.

940
00:41:27,589 --> 00:41:28,915
I am getting tired,

941
00:41:29,505 --> 00:41:32,251
really getting tired

942
00:41:32,837 --> 00:41:35,317
of these golfing cocksuckers

943
00:41:36,326 --> 00:41:37,911
in their green pants

944
00:41:38,070 --> 00:41:39,535
and their yellow pants

945
00:41:39,552 --> 00:41:40,754
and their orange pants

946
00:41:40,792 --> 00:41:42,243
and their precious little hats

947
00:41:42,575 --> 00:41:44,063
and their cute
little golf carts.

948
00:41:44,331 --> 00:41:47,421
It is time to reclaim the
golf courses from the wealthy

949
00:41:47,519 --> 00:41:48,683
and turn them over
to the homeless.

950
00:41:48,755 --> 00:41:51,040
Golf is an arrogant,
elitist game,

951
00:41:51,125 --> 00:41:53,364
and it takes up
entirely too much room

952
00:41:53,454 --> 00:41:54,582
in this country,

953
00:41:54,813 --> 00:41:57,862
too much room
in this country!

954
00:42:05,576 --> 00:42:09,274
It is... It is
an arrogant game

955
00:42:09,382 --> 00:42:11,253
on it's very design alone.

956
00:42:11,409 --> 00:42:13,840
Just the design of the
game speaks of arrogance.

957
00:42:13,907 --> 00:42:15,631
Think of how big
a golf course is.

958
00:42:16,231 --> 00:42:17,985
The ball is that fucking big.

959
00:42:18,850 --> 00:42:21,823
What do these pinheaded pricks
need with all that land?

960
00:42:22,150 --> 00:42:25,076
There are over 17,000
golf courses in America.

961
00:42:25,180 --> 00:42:27,669
They average over
150 acres apiece.

962
00:42:27,699 --> 00:42:29,251
That's 3 million plus acres.

963
00:42:29,417 --> 00:42:31,293
4,820 square miles.

964
00:42:31,355 --> 00:42:32,376
You could build
two Rhode Islands

965
00:42:32,494 --> 00:42:33,811
and a Delaware
for the homeless

966
00:42:34,409 --> 00:42:36,121
on the land currently
being wasted in this

967
00:42:36,169 --> 00:42:39,189
meaningless, mindless,
arrogant, elitist, racist,

968
00:42:39,241 --> 00:42:40,023
there's another thing.

969
00:42:40,176 --> 00:42:41,973
The only blacks you
will find in country clubs

970
00:42:42,086 --> 00:42:43,218
are carrying trays.

971
00:42:43,385 --> 00:42:46,155
And a boring game!
Boring game,

972
00:42:46,242 --> 00:42:47,412
for boring people.

973
00:42:47,704 --> 00:42:49,026
Did you ever watch
golf on television?

974
00:42:49,069 --> 00:42:51,222
It's like watching flies fuck.

975
00:42:54,025 --> 00:42:56,654
And... and a mindless
game, mindless!

976
00:42:56,829 --> 00:42:58,463
Think of the
intellect it must take

977
00:42:58,687 --> 00:43:00,643
to draw pleasure
from this activity,

978
00:43:01,282 --> 00:43:03,248
hitting a ball
with a crooked stick

979
00:43:04,385 --> 00:43:07,000
and then walking after it.

980
00:43:08,462 --> 00:43:11,439
And then hitting it again!

981
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:12,826
I say pick it up, asshole!

982
00:43:12,876 --> 00:43:14,371
You're lucky you
found the fucking thing!

983
00:43:15,279 --> 00:43:16,899
Put it in your pocket
and go the fuck home.

984
00:43:16,943 --> 00:43:18,973
You're a winner.
You're a winner!

985
00:43:19,089 --> 00:43:19,885
You found it!

986
00:43:19,949 --> 00:43:20,633
No!

987
00:43:24,390 --> 00:43:25,119
Never happen.

988
00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:27,049
No!

989
00:43:27,719 --> 00:43:28,937
No chance of that happening.

990
00:43:29,254 --> 00:43:32,425
Dorko in the plaid knickers
is going to hit it again

991
00:43:32,592 --> 00:43:33,715
and walk some more.

992
00:43:34,058 --> 00:43:36,978
Let these rich cock suckers
play miniature golf.

993
00:43:38,079 --> 00:43:41,102
Let them fuck with a windmill
for an hour and a half or so.

994
00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:44,109
See if there's any real
skill among these people.

995
00:43:44,842 --> 00:43:46,980
Now, I know there are
some people who play golf

996
00:43:47,246 --> 00:43:48,746
who don't consider
themselves rich.

997
00:43:49,092 --> 00:43:50,305
Fuck them!

998
00:43:51,376 --> 00:43:52,809
And shame on them

999
00:43:53,302 --> 00:43:56,539
for engaging in an
arrogant, elitist pastime.

1000
00:43:56,945 --> 00:43:58,282
Hey, here's another place

1001
00:43:58,355 --> 00:43:59,959
we could put some
low-cost housing:

1002
00:44:00,749 --> 00:44:02,030
Cemeteries!

1003
00:44:03,165 --> 00:44:05,659
There's another idea
whose time has passed.

1004
00:44:05,945 --> 00:44:09,137
Saving all the dead people at
for one part of town?

1005
00:44:09,658 --> 00:44:11,680
What the hell kind of a
medieval, superstitious,

1006
00:44:11,721 --> 00:44:13,290
religious bullshit
idea is that?

1007
00:44:13,679 --> 00:44:14,975
Plow these motherfuckers up.

1008
00:44:15,043 --> 00:44:16,792
Plow them into the streams
and rivers of America.

1009
00:44:16,843 --> 00:44:18,994
We need that
phosphorous for farming!

1010
00:44:19,931 --> 00:44:21,440
If we're going to recycle,

1011
00:44:21,515 --> 00:44:23,451
let's get serious!

1012
00:44:25,209 --> 00:44:25,641
Thank you.

1013
00:44:31,111 --> 00:44:31,594
Thank you.

1014
00:44:32,706 --> 00:44:33,758
I appreciate it!

1015
00:44:35,437 --> 00:44:36,914
I appreciate that.

1016
00:44:37,416 --> 00:44:38,417
Good, I'll have a little sip of this.

1017
00:44:38,452 --> 00:44:41,409
The water, I assume, is still
safe to drink in New York, huh?

1018
00:44:41,516 --> 00:44:43,899
<i>No!</i>

1019
00:44:45,553 --> 00:44:46,244
Actually...

1020
00:44:46,649 --> 00:44:47,819
Actually, I gotta be fair with you.

1021
00:44:47,889 --> 00:44:49,236
I'm only setting
you up a little bit,

1022
00:44:49,269 --> 00:44:49,800
it's just that...

1023
00:44:49,924 --> 00:44:50,992
...another trick question,

1024
00:44:51,143 --> 00:44:51,762
but it's just a set up,

1025
00:44:51,836 --> 00:44:53,030
'cause I don't really
care about the water,

1026
00:44:53,031 --> 00:44:53,984
to tell you the truth.

1027
00:44:54,053 --> 00:44:56,104
I just love to hear the
answer to that question.

1028
00:44:56,728 --> 00:44:58,201
I ask that question
everywhere I go.

1029
00:44:58,557 --> 00:44:59,202
Everywhere I go, I say:

1030
00:44:59,225 --> 00:45:00,343
How's the water?

1031
00:45:00,359 --> 00:45:02,178
Haven't gotten a
positive answer yet.

1032
00:45:02,545 --> 00:45:03,424
Not one.

1033
00:45:03,528 --> 00:45:05,027
Last year I was in 40 states,

1034
00:45:05,289 --> 00:45:06,266
a hundred cities.

1035
00:45:06,592 --> 00:45:08,614
Not one audience was
able to say to me:

1036
00:45:08,624 --> 00:45:11,795
"Yes! Enjoy some of
our fine local water!"

1037
00:45:12,875 --> 00:45:14,615
"It is pure, and it is good!"

1038
00:45:15,739 --> 00:45:16,160
Of course, I know,

1039
00:45:16,204 --> 00:45:18,224
a lot of people don't
talk that way anymore

1040
00:45:18,534 --> 00:45:21,362
but nobody trusts
their local water supply!

1041
00:45:21,617 --> 00:45:22,293
Nobody.

1042
00:45:22,548 --> 00:45:23,582
And that amuses me.

1043
00:45:23,959 --> 00:45:24,930
I like that.

1044
00:45:25,344 --> 00:45:26,674
I admit I'm a bit perverted,

1045
00:45:27,488 --> 00:45:29,059
but it amuses me
that no one

1046
00:45:29,093 --> 00:45:31,966
can really trust
the water anymore.

1047
00:45:32,409 --> 00:45:33,811
And the thing I like
about it the most,

1048
00:45:33,844 --> 00:45:35,121
is that it means

1049
00:45:35,399 --> 00:45:38,142
the system is
beginning to collapse

1050
00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:42,004
and everything is
slowly breaking down.

1051
00:45:42,543 --> 00:45:44,586
I enjoy chaos and disorder.

1052
00:45:45,243 --> 00:45:47,420
Not just because they
help me professionally.

1053
00:45:48,442 --> 00:45:48,899
No.

1054
00:45:49,895 --> 00:45:51,149
They're also my hobby.

1055
00:45:51,863 --> 00:45:53,544
You see, I'm an entropy fan.

1056
00:45:54,225 --> 00:45:55,248
I'm an entropy fan.

1057
00:45:55,345 --> 00:45:57,149
When I first heard of entropy
in high school science,

1058
00:45:57,230 --> 00:45:58,838
I was attracted
to it immediately.

1059
00:45:59,251 --> 00:46:00,781
When they told
me that in nature

1060
00:46:01,024 --> 00:46:02,642
all systems are
breaking down,

1061
00:46:02,687 --> 00:46:04,145
I thought "What a good thing!"

1062
00:46:04,617 --> 00:46:05,626
What a good thing!

1063
00:46:05,664 --> 00:46:06,621
Perhaps I can make some

1064
00:46:06,675 --> 00:46:09,011
small contribution
in this area myself.

1065
00:46:09,817 --> 00:46:11,467
And, of course,
it's not just in nature.

1066
00:46:11,773 --> 00:46:14,788
In this country, the
whole social structure,

1067
00:46:15,333 --> 00:46:17,235
just beginning to collapse.

1068
00:46:17,291 --> 00:46:18,211
You watch.

1069
00:46:18,448 --> 00:46:19,809
Just beginning now

1070
00:46:19,968 --> 00:46:21,956
to come apart at the
edges and the seams.

1071
00:46:22,111 --> 00:46:23,563
And the thing
I like about that

1072
00:46:23,851 --> 00:46:25,300
is that it means it
makes the news

1073
00:46:25,337 --> 00:46:26,935
on television
more interesting.

1074
00:46:27,108 --> 00:46:28,719
Makes the television
news more exciting!

1075
00:46:28,854 --> 00:46:29,819
Makes it more fun!

1076
00:46:29,852 --> 00:46:32,008
I watch television news for
one thing and one thing only:

1077
00:46:32,055 --> 00:46:32,907
Entertainment!

1078
00:46:33,037 --> 00:46:35,203
That's all I want from
the news, entertainment!

1079
00:46:35,306 --> 00:46:36,449
You know my favorite
thing on television?

1080
00:46:36,469 --> 00:46:37,497
Bad news!

1081
00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:40,077
Bad news and disasters and
accidents and catastrophes.

1082
00:46:40,189 --> 00:46:41,778
I'm want to see some
explosions and fires.

1083
00:46:41,843 --> 00:46:44,596
I want to see shit blown up
and bodies flying around!

1084
00:46:45,242 --> 00:46:46,930
I'm not interested
in the budget!

1085
00:46:47,036 --> 00:46:49,066
I don't care about
tax negotiations!

1086
00:46:49,115 --> 00:46:51,579
I don't want to know what
country the fucking Pope is in!

1087
00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:54,180
But you show me a
hospital that's on fire

1088
00:46:54,281 --> 00:46:55,836
and people on crutches
are jumping off the roof,

1089
00:46:55,874 --> 00:46:57,544
and I'm a happy guy!

1090
00:46:57,869 --> 00:46:59,922
I'm a happy guy!

1091
00:47:01,322 --> 00:47:02,949
I'm a happy guy!

1092
00:47:03,559 --> 00:47:05,740
I want to see a
paint factory blowing up.

1093
00:47:05,781 --> 00:47:07,940
I want to see an
oil refinery explode.

1094
00:47:08,089 --> 00:47:11,508
I want to see a tornado
hit a church on Sunday!

1095
00:47:12,439 --> 00:47:13,654
I want to see people...

1096
00:47:13,687 --> 00:47:14,658
I wanna know
that some guy

1097
00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:15,555
ran into the K-mart

1098
00:47:15,569 --> 00:47:17,858
with an automatic weapon
firing at the clerks.

1099
00:47:18,771 --> 00:47:20,120
I want to see
thousands of people

1100
00:47:20,172 --> 00:47:21,923
in the street
killing policemen.

1101
00:47:22,032 --> 00:47:23,593
I want to hear about
a nuclear meltdown.

1102
00:47:23,767 --> 00:47:25,207
I want to know
the stock market

1103
00:47:25,269 --> 00:47:27,023
dropped 2,000
points in one day.

1104
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:29,977
I want to see people
under pressure.

1105
00:47:30,096 --> 00:47:32,651
Sirens, flames, smoke,
bodies, graves being filled,

1106
00:47:32,679 --> 00:47:34,354
parents weeping,
exciting shit!

1107
00:47:34,369 --> 00:47:35,421
My kind of TV.

1108
00:47:35,499 --> 00:47:36,859
I just want some
entertainment.

1109
00:47:36,921 --> 00:47:38,615
It's just the
kind of guy I am.

1110
00:47:38,757 --> 00:47:40,251
It's the kind of guy I am.

1111
00:47:40,481 --> 00:47:41,355
You know what
I love the most?

1112
00:47:41,376 --> 00:47:43,808
When big chunks of
concrete and fiery wood

1113
00:47:43,867 --> 00:47:44,740
are falling out of the sky

1114
00:47:44,837 --> 00:47:46,637
and people are running around
trying to get out of the way.

1115
00:47:47,792 --> 00:47:48,687
Exciting shit!

1116
00:47:48,689 --> 00:47:50,267
That's why
I watch auto racing.

1117
00:47:50,487 --> 00:47:52,137
It's the only reason
I watch auto racing.

1118
00:47:52,227 --> 00:47:54,306
I'm waiting for
some accidents, man!

1119
00:47:54,929 --> 00:47:56,984
I want to see
some cars on fire!

1120
00:47:57,510 --> 00:47:59,489
I don't care about a
bunch of redneck jack-offs

1121
00:47:59,572 --> 00:48:01,718
driving 500 miles in a circle!

1122
00:48:02,204 --> 00:48:03,826
500 miles in a circle?

1123
00:48:04,290 --> 00:48:06,310
Children can do that,
for Christ's sakes!

1124
00:48:06,567 --> 00:48:07,549
Doesn't impress me!

1125
00:48:07,637 --> 00:48:09,542
I want to see some schmuck
with his hair on fire

1126
00:48:09,572 --> 00:48:11,388
running around,
punching his own head

1127
00:48:11,772 --> 00:48:12,902
trying to put it out!

1128
00:48:13,795 --> 00:48:17,089
I want to see
the pits explode!

1129
00:48:17,867 --> 00:48:20,493
I wanna see a car doing a
200 mile-an-hour cartwheel!

1130
00:48:21,004 --> 00:48:22,877
Hey, where else
besides auto racing

1131
00:48:22,950 --> 00:48:24,930
am I going to see
a 23-car collision

1132
00:48:24,959 --> 00:48:26,375
and not be in
the son of a bitch?

1133
00:48:27,953 --> 00:48:29,544
And if a car flies
out of control,

1134
00:48:29,965 --> 00:48:30,707
lands on the stands

1135
00:48:30,793 --> 00:48:32,513
and kills fifty
spectators, fine!

1136
00:48:32,569 --> 00:48:33,282
Fuck them!

1137
00:48:33,985 --> 00:48:34,779
Serves them right.

1138
00:48:34,909 --> 00:48:35,628
They paid to get in.

1139
00:48:35,655 --> 00:48:37,454
Let them take their
chances with everybody else.

1140
00:48:38,309 --> 00:48:40,283
Just means more
fun for me!

1141
00:48:40,583 --> 00:48:41,844
More fun for me!

1142
00:48:42,652 --> 00:48:43,814
Hey, at least I admit it.

1143
00:48:43,956 --> 00:48:44,959
At least I admit it.

1144
00:48:45,105 --> 00:48:46,479
Most people won't admit
to those feelings.

1145
00:48:46,641 --> 00:48:48,053
Most people see something
like that on television

1146
00:48:48,070 --> 00:48:50,020
and say: "Oh, isn't that awful!"
"Isn't that too bad?"

1147
00:48:50,059 --> 00:48:51,601
<i>Brrr! Lying asshole!</i>

1148
00:48:52,461 --> 00:48:53,749
Lying asshole!

1149
00:48:56,757 --> 00:48:58,111
You love it and you know it!

1150
00:48:58,193 --> 00:48:59,679
Explosions are fun!

1151
00:48:59,906 --> 00:49:02,466
And hey! The closer the
explosion is to your house,

1152
00:49:02,570 --> 00:49:03,742
the more fun it is!

1153
00:49:04,112 --> 00:49:04,908
Did you ever notice that?

1154
00:49:04,973 --> 00:49:05,976
Sometimes you have the TV on

1155
00:49:06,083 --> 00:49:07,089
and you're working
around the house,

1156
00:49:07,187 --> 00:49:08,557
some guy comes on
television and says

1157
00:49:08,811 --> 00:49:11,442
"Six thousand people were
killed on an explosion today!"

1158
00:49:11,663 --> 00:49:12,815
You say: "Where, where?"

1159
00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:14,188
He says: "In Pakistan!"

1160
00:49:14,452 --> 00:49:16,108
You say "Oh, fuck Pakistan!

1161
00:49:16,805 --> 00:49:19,027
Too far away to be any fun!

1162
00:49:19,607 --> 00:49:21,063
But if he says it
happened in your hometown,

1163
00:49:21,105 --> 00:49:22,563
you'll say "Wow! Hot shit!

1164
00:49:22,641 --> 00:49:24,865
Come on, Dave, let's
go look at the bodies!

1165
00:49:25,289 --> 00:49:27,207
Let's go look at the bodies.

1166
00:49:27,264 --> 00:49:28,754
I love bad news!

1167
00:49:28,999 --> 00:49:30,296
I love bad news!

1168
00:49:30,373 --> 00:49:32,297
Hey, the more
bad news there is,

1169
00:49:32,384 --> 00:49:34,232
the faster this
system collapses.

1170
00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:35,515
Fine by me!

1171
00:49:36,206 --> 00:49:37,258
Fine by me!

1172
00:49:37,620 --> 00:49:38,848
Don't bother my ass!

1173
00:49:39,431 --> 00:49:40,558
Don't bother my ass none!

1174
00:49:41,024 --> 00:49:42,865
I'm glad the water sucks!

1175
00:49:42,866 --> 00:49:43,933
I'm glad it sucks!

1176
00:49:43,980 --> 00:49:44,919
You know what I do about it?

1177
00:49:45,076 --> 00:49:46,261
I drink it!

1178
00:49:51,318 --> 00:49:52,123
Unless,

1179
00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:54,062
unless it really smells.

1180
00:49:54,776 --> 00:49:56,895
If it really smells
a lot, like sulphur,

1181
00:49:57,258 --> 00:49:59,574
then I might buy a soda,

1182
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:01,939
but it's got to be a soda

1183
00:50:02,152 --> 00:50:04,019
loaded with
chemical additives.

1184
00:50:04,633 --> 00:50:05,960
I like a lot of
chemical additives

1185
00:50:05,996 --> 00:50:07,332
in the things I
eat and drink.

1186
00:50:07,643 --> 00:50:08,616
See, I'm not one
of these people

1187
00:50:08,704 --> 00:50:10,392
who's worried
about everything.

1188
00:50:10,646 --> 00:50:11,900
You got these
people around you?

1189
00:50:12,034 --> 00:50:13,120
Country's full of them now.

1190
00:50:13,230 --> 00:50:14,827
People walking
around all day long,

1191
00:50:15,019 --> 00:50:18,275
every minute of the day,
worried about everything!

1192
00:50:18,993 --> 00:50:19,756
Worried about the air,

1193
00:50:19,774 --> 00:50:20,566
worried about the water,

1194
00:50:20,590 --> 00:50:21,608
worried about the soil.

1195
00:50:22,088 --> 00:50:23,963
Worried about
insecticides, pesticides,

1196
00:50:24,003 --> 00:50:25,740
food additives, carcinogens.

1197
00:50:26,022 --> 00:50:27,198
Worried about radon gas,

1198
00:50:27,266 --> 00:50:28,455
worried about asbestos.

1199
00:50:28,696 --> 00:50:31,210
Worried about saving
endangered species.

1200
00:50:31,916 --> 00:50:33,790
Let me tell you about
endangered species, all right?

1201
00:50:34,730 --> 00:50:38,393
Saving endangered species is
just one more arrogant attempt

1202
00:50:38,434 --> 00:50:40,913
by humans to control nature.

1203
00:50:41,103 --> 00:50:42,493
It is arrogant meddling.

1204
00:50:42,548 --> 00:50:44,234
It's what got us in
trouble in the first place.

1205
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:45,888
Doesn't anybody
understand that?

1206
00:50:46,008 --> 00:50:47,605
Interfering with nature.

1207
00:50:47,974 --> 00:50:49,823
Over 90 percent...
Over,

1208
00:50:49,873 --> 00:50:52,111
way over, 90 percent
of all the species

1209
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,498
that have ever
lived on this planet,

1210
00:50:54,579 --> 00:50:56,955
<i>ever lived, are gone! Whoosh.</i>

1211
00:50:57,783 --> 00:50:58,571
They're extinct.

1212
00:50:59,526 --> 00:51:01,592
We didn't kill them all.

1213
00:51:02,634 --> 00:51:04,747
They just disappeared.

1214
00:51:04,966 --> 00:51:06,899
That's what nature does.

1215
00:51:07,201 --> 00:51:10,587
They disappear these days
at the rate of 25 a day,

1216
00:51:10,633 --> 00:51:12,586
and I mean regardless
of our behavior.

1217
00:51:12,719 --> 00:51:14,577
Irrespective of how
we act on this planet,

1218
00:51:14,745 --> 00:51:16,482
25 species that
were here today,

1219
00:51:16,943 --> 00:51:18,181
will be gone tomorrow.

1220
00:51:18,663 --> 00:51:20,637
Let them go gracefully.

1221
00:51:21,163 --> 00:51:23,056
Leave nature alone.

1222
00:51:23,226 --> 00:51:24,893
Haven't we done enough?

1223
00:51:25,296 --> 00:51:26,869
We're so self important!

1224
00:51:27,134 --> 00:51:28,258
So self important!

1225
00:51:28,351 --> 00:51:30,082
Everybody's going to
save something now.

1226
00:51:30,473 --> 00:51:31,664
Save the trees,

1227
00:51:31,720 --> 00:51:32,606
save the bees,

1228
00:51:32,708 --> 00:51:33,826
save the whales,

1229
00:51:33,843 --> 00:51:35,217
save those snails.

1230
00:51:36,476 --> 00:51:38,043
And the greatest
arrogance of all,

1231
00:51:38,093 --> 00:51:39,583
save the planet!

1232
00:51:39,832 --> 00:51:40,478
What?

1233
00:51:40,550 --> 00:51:42,326
Are these fucking
people kidding me?

1234
00:51:43,258 --> 00:51:44,000
Save the planet?

1235
00:51:44,050 --> 00:51:46,040
We don't know how to
take care of ourselves yet.

1236
00:51:46,350 --> 00:51:48,153
We haven't learned how
to care to one another.

1237
00:51:48,216 --> 00:51:50,506
We're going to save
the fucking planet?

1238
00:51:50,996 --> 00:51:52,918
I'm getting
tired of that shit.

1239
00:51:53,533 --> 00:51:55,113
Tired of that shit!

1240
00:51:55,713 --> 00:51:56,556
Tired!

1241
00:51:57,996 --> 00:52:00,057
I'm tired of
fucking Earth Day.

1242
00:52:00,230 --> 00:52:03,141
I'm tired of these self
righteous environmentalists,

1243
00:52:03,185 --> 00:52:05,687
these white,
bourgeois, liberals

1244
00:52:05,723 --> 00:52:07,233
who think the only thing
wrong with this country

1245
00:52:07,321 --> 00:52:09,194
is there aren't
enough bicycle paths.

1246
00:52:10,086 --> 00:52:13,056
People trying to make the
world safe for their Volvos.

1247
00:52:13,183 --> 00:52:14,019
Besides,

1248
00:52:14,294 --> 00:52:16,743
environmentalists don't
give a shit about the planet!

1249
00:52:16,796 --> 00:52:18,559
They don't care
about the planet!

1250
00:52:18,612 --> 00:52:20,205
Not in the
abstract, they don't.

1251
00:52:20,393 --> 00:52:21,624
Not in the
abstract, they don't.

1252
00:52:21,734 --> 00:52:22,596
Do you know what
they're interested in?

1253
00:52:22,622 --> 00:52:24,756
A clean place to live,

1254
00:52:24,983 --> 00:52:26,950
their own habitat.

1255
00:52:27,110 --> 00:52:28,541
They're worried that
some day in the future

1256
00:52:28,574 --> 00:52:30,964
they might be
personally inconvenienced.

1257
00:52:31,124 --> 00:52:34,397
Narrow, unenlightened self
interest, doesn't impress me.

1258
00:52:34,430 --> 00:52:37,649
Besides there's nothing
wrong with the planet.

1259
00:52:37,886 --> 00:52:39,138
Nothing wrong
with the planet.

1260
00:52:39,158 --> 00:52:40,483
The planet is fine!

1261
00:52:40,990 --> 00:52:42,894
The people are fucked!

1262
00:52:43,530 --> 00:52:45,861
Difference, difference!

1263
00:52:45,886 --> 00:52:47,453
The planet is fine.

1264
00:52:48,140 --> 00:52:49,339
Compared to the people,

1265
00:52:49,550 --> 00:52:51,168
the planet is doing great!

1266
00:52:51,222 --> 00:52:53,050
Been here four and
a half billion years!

1267
00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:54,386
Did you ever think
about the arithmetic?

1268
00:52:54,433 --> 00:52:57,400
Planet has been here
four and a half billion years.

1269
00:52:57,548 --> 00:52:59,513
We've been here, what?
A hundred thousand?

1270
00:52:59,610 --> 00:53:01,656
Maybe two hundred thousand...

1271
00:53:01,856 --> 00:53:03,777
And we've only been
engaged in heavy industry

1272
00:53:03,819 --> 00:53:05,646
for a little over
two hundred years.

1273
00:53:05,766 --> 00:53:08,681
Two hundred years
versus four and a half billion!

1274
00:53:08,790 --> 00:53:10,061
And we have the conceit

1275
00:53:10,386 --> 00:53:12,407
to think that
somehow we're a threat?

1276
00:53:12,596 --> 00:53:14,030
That somehow we're
gonna put in jeopardy

1277
00:53:14,084 --> 00:53:16,293
this beautiful little
blue-green ball

1278
00:53:16,354 --> 00:53:18,281
that's just a-floating
around the sun?

1279
00:53:18,343 --> 00:53:21,304
The planet has been
through a lot worse than us.

1280
00:53:21,422 --> 00:53:24,149
Been through all kinds
of things worse than us.

1281
00:53:24,430 --> 00:53:27,324
Been through earthquakes,
volcanoes, plate tectonics,

1282
00:53:27,367 --> 00:53:29,560
continental drifts,
solar flares, sun spots,

1283
00:53:29,641 --> 00:53:32,275
magnetic storms, the magnetic
reversal of the poles,

1284
00:53:32,633 --> 00:53:34,854
hundreds of thousands
of years of bombardment

1285
00:53:34,930 --> 00:53:36,879
by comets and
asteroids and meteors,

1286
00:53:36,910 --> 00:53:39,555
worldwide floods,
tidal waves, worldwide fires,

1287
00:53:39,630 --> 00:53:42,393
erosion, cosmic rays,
recurring ice ages,

1288
00:53:42,476 --> 00:53:45,566
and we think
some plastic bags

1289
00:53:46,450 --> 00:53:48,264
and some
alluminum cans

1290
00:53:48,836 --> 00:53:50,796
are going to
make a difference?

1291
00:53:52,015 --> 00:53:53,100
The planet...

1292
00:53:54,150 --> 00:53:55,226
The planet...

1293
00:53:58,456 --> 00:54:01,265
The planet isn't
going anywhere!

1294
00:54:01,790 --> 00:54:03,397
We are!

1295
00:54:04,088 --> 00:54:05,630
We're going away.

1296
00:54:06,093 --> 00:54:07,609
Pack your shit, folks,

1297
00:54:08,708 --> 00:54:10,233
we're going away.

1298
00:54:10,428 --> 00:54:12,148
And we won't leave
much of a trace, either

1299
00:54:12,233 --> 00:54:13,461
Thank God for that!

1300
00:54:13,803 --> 00:54:15,837
Maybe a little
styrofoam, maybe.

1301
00:54:16,408 --> 00:54:17,657
Little styrofoam.

1302
00:54:17,934 --> 00:54:20,096
Planet will be here
and we'll be long gone.

1303
00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:22,088
Just another failed mutation!

1304
00:54:22,221 --> 00:54:24,794
Just another close-end
biological mistake,

1305
00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:26,690
an evolutionary cul-de-sac.

1306
00:54:26,785 --> 00:54:30,537
The planet will shake us off
like a bad case of fleas...

1307
00:54:31,288 --> 00:54:33,820
A surface nuisance.

1308
00:54:36,630 --> 00:54:38,290
You wanna know how
the planet's doing?

1309
00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:40,274
Ask those people at Pompeii,

1310
00:54:40,314 --> 00:54:41,782
who are frozen
into position...

1311
00:54:42,710 --> 00:54:44,192
from volcanic ash

1312
00:54:44,674 --> 00:54:46,510
how the planet's doing.

1313
00:54:47,378 --> 00:54:48,396
Wanna know if
the planet's alright?

1314
00:54:48,420 --> 00:54:50,362
Ask those people at
Mexico City or Armenia

1315
00:54:50,409 --> 00:54:51,497
or a hundred other places

1316
00:54:51,846 --> 00:54:54,160
buried under thousands of
tons of earthquake rubble

1317
00:54:54,470 --> 00:54:58,810
if they feel like a threat
to the planet this week?

1318
00:54:59,540 --> 00:55:01,330
How about those people
in Kilauea, Hawaii,

1319
00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:03,774
who build their homes right
next to an active volcano

1320
00:55:04,373 --> 00:55:07,304
and then wonder why they
have lava in the living room?

1321
00:55:10,874 --> 00:55:13,298
The planet will be
here for a long,

1322
00:55:13,353 --> 00:55:16,663
long, long time
after we're gone,

1323
00:55:16,900 --> 00:55:18,242
and will heal itself,

1324
00:55:18,410 --> 00:55:21,170
it will cleanse itself,
cause that's what it does.

1325
00:55:21,271 --> 00:55:23,357
It's a self-correcting system.

1326
00:55:23,550 --> 00:55:25,000
The air and the
water will recover.

1327
00:55:25,130 --> 00:55:26,348
The earth will be renewed.

1328
00:55:26,420 --> 00:55:29,112
And if it's true, that
plastic is not degradable,

1329
00:55:29,244 --> 00:55:30,762
well, the planet will simply

1330
00:55:30,791 --> 00:55:33,258
incorporate plastic
into a new paradigm:

1331
00:55:33,432 --> 00:55:35,097
The Earth plus plastic!

1332
00:55:36,646 --> 00:55:39,565
The Earth doesn't share our
prejudice towards plastic!

1333
00:55:39,733 --> 00:55:40,949
Plastic came out of the Earth.

1334
00:55:40,992 --> 00:55:42,194
The earth probably
sees plastic

1335
00:55:42,237 --> 00:55:43,825
as just another one
of its children.

1336
00:55:44,383 --> 00:55:46,096
Could be the only reason
the earth allowed us

1337
00:55:46,136 --> 00:55:47,984
to be spawned from it
in the first place.

1338
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:50,114
It wanted plastic for itself.

1339
00:55:51,563 --> 00:55:52,948
Didn't know how to make it.

1340
00:55:53,164 --> 00:55:54,249
Needed us.

1341
00:55:55,090 --> 00:55:56,841
Could be the answer
to our age-old

1342
00:55:56,873 --> 00:56:00,018
philosophical question:
"Why are we here?"

1343
00:56:00,745 --> 00:56:04,230
Plastic, assholes!

1344
00:56:05,552 --> 00:56:06,030
So...

1345
00:56:07,485 --> 00:56:11,296
So... the plastic is here,
our job is done.

1346
00:56:11,341 --> 00:56:12,791
We can be phased out now,

1347
00:56:12,970 --> 00:56:14,998
And I think that's really
started already, don't you?

1348
00:56:15,123 --> 00:56:16,762
I mean to be fair,
the planet probably

1349
00:56:16,832 --> 00:56:18,512
sees us as a mild threat.

1350
00:56:18,584 --> 00:56:19,973
Something to be dealt with.

1351
00:56:20,283 --> 00:56:22,420
And I'm sure the planet
will defend itself.

1352
00:56:22,516 --> 00:56:25,681
In the... In the manner of a
large organism like a beehive

1353
00:56:25,740 --> 00:56:27,566
or an ant colony can
muster a defense,

1354
00:56:27,614 --> 00:56:29,373
I'm sure the planet
will think of something.

1355
00:56:29,423 --> 00:56:31,190
What would you do
if you were the planet

1356
00:56:31,273 --> 00:56:32,393
trying to defend against this

1357
00:56:32,596 --> 00:56:34,456
pesky, troublesome species?

1358
00:56:34,522 --> 00:56:35,160
Let's see.

1359
00:56:35,353 --> 00:56:37,320
What might... Hum! Viruses!

1360
00:56:37,486 --> 00:56:38,678
Viruses may be good.

1361
00:56:38,713 --> 00:56:40,938
They seem
vulnerable to viruses.

1362
00:56:41,145 --> 00:56:42,769
And viruses are tricky,

1363
00:56:42,866 --> 00:56:44,725
always mutating and
forming new strains

1364
00:56:44,792 --> 00:56:46,589
whenever a vaccine
is developed.

1365
00:56:46,853 --> 00:56:49,345
Perhaps this first
virus could be one

1366
00:56:50,032 --> 00:56:52,510
that... that compromises
the immune system

1367
00:56:52,588 --> 00:56:53,233
of these creatures.

1368
00:56:53,333 --> 00:56:54,963
Perhaps a human
immunodeficiency virus,

1369
00:56:55,019 --> 00:56:56,230
making them
vulnerable to all sorts

1370
00:56:56,310 --> 00:56:57,570
of other diseases
and infections

1371
00:56:57,613 --> 00:56:58,483
that might come along.

1372
00:56:58,668 --> 00:57:00,734
And maybe it could
be spread sexually,

1373
00:57:01,144 --> 00:57:02,208
making them
a little reluctant

1374
00:57:02,276 --> 00:57:03,938
to engage in the
act of reproduction.

1375
00:57:04,818 --> 00:57:06,222
Well, that's a poetic note.

1376
00:57:06,683 --> 00:57:07,562
And it's a start.

1377
00:57:08,053 --> 00:57:09,613
And I can dream, can't I?

1378
00:57:10,064 --> 00:57:11,581
So I don't worry
about the little things,

1379
00:57:11,695 --> 00:57:14,279
bees, trees, whales, snails.

1380
00:57:14,863 --> 00:57:16,748
I think we're part
of a greater wisdom

1381
00:57:17,228 --> 00:57:18,882
than we will
ever understand,

1382
00:57:19,443 --> 00:57:20,469
a higher order.

1383
00:57:20,522 --> 00:57:21,397
Call it what you want.

1384
00:57:21,831 --> 00:57:22,643
Know what I call it?

1385
00:57:23,145 --> 00:57:24,458
The big electron.

1386
00:57:25,595 --> 00:57:26,833
The big electron.

1387
00:57:33,185 --> 00:57:34,014
It doesn't punish.

1388
00:57:34,383 --> 00:57:35,388
It doesn't reward.

1389
00:57:35,805 --> 00:57:37,222
It doesn't judge at all.

1390
00:57:37,348 --> 00:57:38,234
It just is

1391
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:39,638
and so are we,

1392
00:57:39,754 --> 00:57:40,756
for a little while.

1393
00:57:41,444 --> 00:57:43,652
Thanks for being here with me
for a little while tonight.

1394
00:57:45,881 --> 00:57:46,482
Thank you.

1395
00:57:47,083 --> 00:57:48,068
Thank you very much.

1396
00:57:48,893 --> 00:57:49,624
Thank you.

1397
00:57:55,710 --> 00:57:56,419
Thank you.

1398
00:57:57,861 --> 00:57:59,270
Thank you, New York City!

1399
00:58:00,017 --> 00:58:01,530
Take care of yourself!

1400
00:58:02,409 --> 00:58:03,877
Take care of yourself,

1401
00:58:04,230 --> 00:58:06,309
and take care of somebody else!

1402
00:58:06,354 --> 00:58:07,354
Thank you, good night!