[Dr. Drennan] "Wow...you must be smart!"

That's what people say to me when the

conversation comes around, and they

find out what I do for a living. So, I am

a professor of Chemistry and Biology in

the Massachusetts Institute of Technology

known as M.I.T. They say, "Wow...M.I.T.,

wow...professor...You must be smart!"

Sometimes they say that and they walk

away. Other times they say that looking

at me, waiting for me to respond, either

in the affirmative, or deny the fact that

maybe I am smart. But what they don't

realize is that, asking me if I am smart,

is a really complicated question for me

to answer.

So, think about what it is to be smart.

There's....usually when you ask someone,

they'll come up with characteristics of a

smart person. They'll say, "Hmm...good

problems solver." or "A lot of knowledge

on a particular topic." , "Able to take

information and see things in that

information that other people might

miss. " "Success in a field." All of

these are characteristics of a smart

person. All of those are characteristics

of me. But there are also other

characteristics not really normally

associated with a smart person, such as,

"Having been in a remedial class in

school."--Having had to repeat a grade.

Those are things that are also true about

me. So smart, but learning disabled. That

was a term that my elementary school

teachers used for me. So what is Learning

Disability? What is being Learning Disabled?

When you think about that, you learn

differently. If there is a bunch of

information, you may see it in a different

way. You may make connections between

that information that other people miss.

So there's definitely parallels...I just

described two things: one for smart and

one for Learning Disabled, that were the

same.

So...I was a pretty odd kid, I have to say.

My parents were older when I was born, and

I was an only child, and my parents really

didn't know all that much about raising

children, to be honest with you. We would

talk about politics at the dinner table

when I was 5 years old. I worked on my

first political campaign when I was 6.

So when I started first grade, I was

discussing with my first grade teacher

what I thought about International Trade

Agreements, and they decided that, "Wow...

she must be a smart kid!"- so they put me

in the top reading group. Then I went

down, maybe I'd be more comfortable in

the second from top, and then when I hit

rock bottom, and still was below what the

other kids in this bottom reading group

were able to do, it was time to talk to my

parents and say, "She seems smart, but,

she can't learn to read." So somewhere

between first and second grade, I was

diagnosed as being Dyslexic. And my

parents were pulled aside, and said, "You

know, you should prepare yourself. Her

Dyslexia is so severe, that she is probably

not going to be able to graduate from high

school. But--my parents got me extra

tutoring, and the second time through

sixth grade, I learned to read. So the way

that I read--I don't know how normal

people read, but I don't think I read like

that. So what I did the second time through

sixth grade is, I memorized the shapes of

words, and I memorized what words looked

like that shape, and then what that word

sounds like, and what that word means. It

took a ~lot~ of time to memorize the shapes

of all of the words that you might encounter

in a book. But once I had done that,

I could read. So, after I finished sixth

grade the second time, my father retired,

he was older, and we moved to a

different state, and I started in another

school. I had been in the remedial class

in sixth grade, and then I was mainstreamed

in seventh grade. All of a sudden, I

started doing really well, and I went to

the top of the class. I had an English

teacher that said I was one of her best

students ever. English...me! Best students.

And so then the kids started teasing me

about being smart. From the bottom to

the very top, teased on one end, teased on

the other end. I feel like that's what

Dyslexia is all about. Whatever you do,

you're just going to be teased.

I wasn't supposed to graduate from high

school, but I did. I did it in three years,

so I got back on track and I went to

college. I didn't want anyone to know

about my Dyslexia in college. I didn't

want the professors to know, I was

embarrassed. I didn't want that letter of

recommendation that said, "Oh, she's

really good, for a Dyslexic person. "

I wanted the letter that said, "She's

really good." I thought, okay...I'm

going to make mistakes on the test, I'm

not going to get extra time, I won't have

time to correct my mistakes, sometimes I

won't have time to finish the test, but I

am going to learn the material that much

better than everyone else. So, if my

Dyslexia costs me five points, I'll know

five points more worth of material than

everybody else. I'll just be better at it,

I'll know it better, and that will allow

me to compensate. You know, that worked

actually, quite well. I went to Vassar

College, it's a small school. The faculty

get to know the students, they knew who

knew the material. They knew who were

cramming for the test and just trying to

get a good grade, and they knew who was

really interested in learning. This worked

very well. I discovered that I loved

science, I loved chemistry, I loved

biology, and I want to be a teacher and

professor. So...I want to go to grad

school. But there is a problem going to

grad school, and that is that there is a

standardized test that was between me and

my dreams. No matter how much better I

felt like I'd learned those vocabulary

words that no one will ever use...ever...

I knew that I couldn't do as well. I needed

more time, I couldn't compete on a

standardized timed test like that. So I

said, okay, I'm going to let people know

I'm Dyslexic, and take the extra time.

I'll never forget that day. I was in

college, I had been working at a summer

camp in the summers in the Pocono

Mountains. I had found a local college

that was offering these G.R.E. exams,

and there was a professor paid extra

money to proctor me. I was the only one

with a disability, I was the only one in

the room. I had the extra time.

I remember he came in, and he was trying

to be so nice to me. He said, "Cheer up.

There's some university that might take

you. You never know! It's possible." He's

like, "You know, there are no statistics

for people like you." And you know, I had

been embarrassed by my Dyslexia, but I

had never had really thought that it was

like, people like ~me~. Somehow, this one

thing about me just completely defined

my entire existence, that I was Dyslexic,

and that's all I was. I think...I don't

know if I said anything to him...I'm sure

I was polite, I'm always very polite. But

I remember thinking at the time, someone

will accept me, and it's going to be a

really good school, and I'll show you.

So, I did get into a good school. I went

to the University of Michigan, and I had a

wonderful adviser there, the late Martha

Ludwig. She really took me under her wing

and mentored me, and helped me reach my

full ability. I was pushing...I was like,

I want to do this, I don't want Dyslexia

to define me. I want to keep going, not

supposed to graduate from high school...

HA, I'll go to college! HA, I'll go to grad

school. I'm just going to keep going. But

you know, I always felt like there was

going to be this kind of "Dyslexia ceiling".

It's like, okay...you got that far. You got

into Grad school, but, eh...now you are

done. I didn't have a lot of confidence

and I had a really huge imposter syndrome

going on, waiting for everyone to figure

out I really didn't belong there. Somehow,

I really shouldn't have even graduated from

high school. But Martha saw in me

tremendous potential. She mentored me,

and with a collaborator, Rowena Matthews,

I had these two female professors who

really helped work with me, and gave me

tremendous opportunities. Like the

opportunity to talk about my research in

an international meeting. At that meeting,

there was another female professor in the

audience, JoAnn Stubbe. And she saw me

and said, "That's somebody we'd like to

hire on the faculty at M.I.T." So, I didn't

apply, because, what am I? Crazy?

Professor at M.I.T.? No...that would not

work out. I didn't apply, but I was

recruited, invited to come and give a

talk. Okay, I said, how fun is this? I'm

talking at M.I.T.! And then they offered

me a job, and my jaw hit the bottom.

I was like, "What do you mean?" and they

were like, you know, "We are offering

you a position at M.I.T." So I took it,

and I thought, "Okay, this is going to be

really fun for a few years. I'm going to

have the time of my life doing research,

until they figure out what a crazy mistake

they made and kick me out." But, somehow,

I was able to fool them for a long enough

to get tenure and then be promoted to a

full professor, so they can't fire me now.

They can figure it out...too late... tenure.

Awesome thing! Really awesome.

So, I was at M.I.T. with these really

smart people. My research: I really think

it was an advantage to be Dyslexic in some

of the research I'm doing.

I'm just going to tell you briefly about

my research to see how Dyslexia, I think,

was an advantage for me to be able to do

well in this area.

My research is about visualizing tiny

molecules, like protein molecules. If you

think about visualizing things--this is my

daughter, Samantha. And if I want to

visualize her moving around and doing a

dance, I can take out my cell phone and

take a picture of her. That's pretty easy.

But inside my daughter, and inside all

living creatures there are cells, and those

cells are much smaller, but still, you can

get a microscope. If you get a good

quality microscope, you can visualize

those cells moving around. But inside

cells, there are proteins, or enzymes, that

are carrying out the life functions of the

cell. If you want to see those proteins,

moving around, that's a lot harder. There

isn't such a thing--like a microscope, and

you have to use biophysical methods, one of

which is X-ray crystallography, what I do.

You need to get these images of these

protein molecules moving by taking

snapshots using this biophysical method.

That is the research my lab does. We want

to watch protein molecules shake, rattle,

and roll and carry out their function.

Let me just tell you a little bit about the

technique of crystallography. Jenny

Glusker compared crystallography to a

light microscope. In a light microscope,

you have visible light shining through your

amoeba, planararian, whatever you are

looking at. The light is diffracted, and

there is a lens which can combine the

diffracted light waves, and give you an

enlarged image. If you want to look at

something small like a protein molecule,

you can't use visible light, you have to

use x-rays. You can't just have one copy

of your molecule, you need to have

thousands of copies of your molecule

lined up in a regularly repeating pattern

or a crystal. So you shine x-rays through

your crystal, the x-rays are diffracted,

but now there is no such thing as a lens

which can combine diffracted x-rays.

The crystallographer and her computer need

to do that. We collect data that tells us

on a piece of film or a detector, tells us

about those x-rays. You get a spot on the

piece of film when the x-ray hits. Then,

we have to mathematically combine the

information about the waves, and you get

what is known as an electron density map.

This is a map in three dimensions that say

electrons are here, which means your atoms

are here. Into that, you have to put atoms

to build the structure of your molecule.

Proteins are made up of twenty different

amino acids, and those are shown here.

You know your protein has those amino

acids, and you know the order of the amino

acids in your protein, and then you get

electron density that looks like this.

This is one slice of electron density.

You have to figure out which side chain

goes in which piece of electron density.

This is just the perfect technique for me

because of the way I learned how to read.

There was the shape of a word, and I

figured what word went into that shape.

This is the same thing, but it's infinitely

easier, there's a lot of different words!

There are only 20 amino-acids. This is not

bad at all. There was a shape, and I just

had to figure out what amino acid went

into that shape, and build protein

molecules. So here is a piece of electron

density, here is the amino acid that fits

in. Here is another piece of electron

density, here is the maino acid that fits

into that piece. There is only 20

possibilities. This is not so bad. Now...

these maps, you might say...that

looks pretty straightforward, every one

could probably do that. But this is really

good quality data, and a lot of times what

we get is not very good, and the maps

don't look that good. But I am very good at

recognizing patterns that other people

don't see, and seeing things in that

density that other people miss. Sometimes

my students will be working on this part

of the structure, and they are trying to

build it ~this~ way, and build it ~that~

way, and they can't figure out what is

going on and I walk by and go, "Oh, like

that..." They try it and they look at me,

and they are like, "How on earth did you

see that?" It's because I have these years

of experience looking at patterns. It's the

way that I read, it's what I do. So I am

able to see those shapes. Sometimes...

we had a discovery early on that got me

tenured at M.I.T., and I found out later

that other people had been stuck. There

was this one part of the protein, one

part of the map, it was a very flexible

region. The electron density was terrible.

No one else could trace it. They couldn't

finish solving the structure, they couldn't

figure out what was going on. But I was

able to do it. I did it myself early on in

the lab, and I built it and it was right.

We got the first structure, and we got the

credit. I really do believe there are

things that you see differently when you

are Dyslexic that can be a huge advantage

in certain areas. This "visualizing", this

ability to see shapes and patterns

definitely is true for me.

What kind of advice can I give going out?

I feel like one thing, "Don't listen to

what anyone tells you , you can or can

not do." --Not graduate from high school...

I think that's maybe why I am a professor.

I'm like..."I'm going to stay in school...

FOREVER!" No one really knows what

someone is capable of. Even that person

doesn't know what they are capable of.

The only way you figure out what you are

capable of is to try it! You can't be

afraid to fall on your face and fail. If

you are doing anything that's important

or significant, it's going to be hard!

There is going to be failure. The key to

success is just going, "Well, that didn't

go well...Let's try that again!" You pick

yourself up and you go right back at it.

If you do that, and you just do what you

love to do, and find things that are cool

and interesting and fun. And only work

for nice people. Life is hard enough. You

really don't want to work for people who

are not nice. Get yourself a group of

people that you really like that you can

support each other...People who will have

your back. If you don't have that support

group, look for it. You know, I could work

for a lot of different people, but I

picked someone that I knew would be a good

mentor toward me. That was really key. If

you have nice people surrounding, and you

just go for it...it's amazing. There is no

Dyslexia ceiling, it doesn't exist unless

you create it in your own mind.

Thank you very much.