[Dr. Drennan] "Wow...you must be smart!"
That's what people say to me when the
conversation comes around, and they
find out what I do for a living. So, I am
a professor of Chemistry and Biology in
the Massachusetts Institute of Technology
known as M.I.T. They say, "Wow...M.I.T.,
wow...professor...You must be smart!"
Sometimes they say that and they walk
away. Other times they say that looking
at me, waiting for me to respond, either
in the affirmative, or deny the fact that
maybe I am smart. But what they don't
realize is that, asking me if I am smart,
is a really complicated question for me
to answer.
So, think about what it is to be smart.
There's....usually when you ask someone,
they'll come up with characteristics of a
smart person. They'll say, "Hmm...good
problems solver." or "A lot of knowledge
on a particular topic." , "Able to take
information and see things in that
information that other people might
miss. " "Success in a field." All of
these are characteristics of a smart
person. All of those are characteristics
of me. But there are also other
characteristics not really normally
associated with a smart person, such as,
"Having been in a remedial class in
school."--Having had to repeat a grade.
Those are things that are also true about
me. So smart, but learning disabled. That
was a term that my elementary school
teachers used for me. So what is Learning
Disability? What is being Learning Disabled?
When you think about that, you learn
differently. If there is a bunch of
information, you may see it in a different
way. You may make connections between
that information that other people miss.
So there's definitely parallels...I just
described two things: one for smart and
one for Learning Disabled, that were the
same.
So...I was a pretty odd kid, I have to say.
My parents were older when I was born, and
I was an only child, and my parents really
didn't know all that much about raising
children, to be honest with you. We would
talk about politics at the dinner table
when I was 5 years old. I worked on my
first political campaign when I was 6.
So when I started first grade, I was
discussing with my first grade teacher
what I thought about International Trade
Agreements, and they decided that, "Wow...
she must be a smart kid!"- so they put me
in the top reading group. Then I went
down, maybe I'd be more comfortable in
the second from top, and then when I hit
rock bottom, and still was below what the
other kids in this bottom reading group
were able to do, it was time to talk to my
parents and say, "She seems smart, but,
she can't learn to read." So somewhere
between first and second grade, I was
diagnosed as being Dyslexic. And my
parents were pulled aside, and said, "You
know, you should prepare yourself. Her
Dyslexia is so severe, that she is probably
not going to be able to graduate from high
school. But--my parents got me extra
tutoring, and the second time through
sixth grade, I learned to read. So the way
that I read--I don't know how normal
people read, but I don't think I read like
that. So what I did the second time through
sixth grade is, I memorized the shapes of
words, and I memorized what words looked
like that shape, and then what that word
sounds like, and what that word means. It
took a ~lot~ of time to memorize the shapes
of all of the words that you might encounter
in a book. But once I had done that,
I could read. So, after I finished sixth
grade the second time, my father retired,
he was older, and we moved to a
different state, and I started in another
school. I had been in the remedial class
in sixth grade, and then I was mainstreamed
in seventh grade. All of a sudden, I
started doing really well, and I went to
the top of the class. I had an English
teacher that said I was one of her best
students ever. English...me! Best students.
And so then the kids started teasing me
about being smart. From the bottom to
the very top, teased on one end, teased on
the other end. I feel like that's what
Dyslexia is all about. Whatever you do,
you're just going to be teased.
I wasn't supposed to graduate from high
school, but I did. I did it in three years,
so I got back on track and I went to
college. I didn't want anyone to know
about my Dyslexia in college. I didn't
want the professors to know, I was
embarrassed. I didn't want that letter of
recommendation that said, "Oh, she's
really good, for a Dyslexic person. "
I wanted the letter that said, "She's
really good." I thought, okay...I'm
going to make mistakes on the test, I'm
not going to get extra time, I won't have
time to correct my mistakes, sometimes I
won't have time to finish the test, but I
am going to learn the material that much
better than everyone else. So, if my
Dyslexia costs me five points, I'll know
five points more worth of material than
everybody else. I'll just be better at it,
I'll know it better, and that will allow
me to compensate. You know, that worked
actually, quite well. I went to Vassar
College, it's a small school. The faculty
get to know the students, they knew who
knew the material. They knew who were
cramming for the test and just trying to
get a good grade, and they knew who was
really interested in learning. This worked
very well. I discovered that I loved
science, I loved chemistry, I loved
biology, and I want to be a teacher and
professor. So...I want to go to grad
school. But there is a problem going to
grad school, and that is that there is a
standardized test that was between me and
my dreams. No matter how much better I
felt like I'd learned those vocabulary
words that no one will ever use...ever...
I knew that I couldn't do as well. I needed
more time, I couldn't compete on a
standardized timed test like that. So I
said, okay, I'm going to let people know
I'm Dyslexic, and take the extra time.
I'll never forget that day. I was in
college, I had been working at a summer
camp in the summers in the Pocono
Mountains. I had found a local college
that was offering these G.R.E. exams,
and there was a professor paid extra
money to proctor me. I was the only one
with a disability, I was the only one in
the room. I had the extra time.
I remember he came in, and he was trying
to be so nice to me. He said, "Cheer up.
There's some university that might take
you. You never know! It's possible." He's
like, "You know, there are no statistics
for people like you." And you know, I had
been embarrassed by my Dyslexia, but I
had never had really thought that it was
like, people like ~me~. Somehow, this one
thing about me just completely defined
my entire existence, that I was Dyslexic,
and that's all I was. I think...I don't
know if I said anything to him...I'm sure
I was polite, I'm always very polite. But
I remember thinking at the time, someone
will accept me, and it's going to be a
really good school, and I'll show you.
So, I did get into a good school. I went
to the University of Michigan, and I had a
wonderful adviser there, the late Martha
Ludwig. She really took me under her wing
and mentored me, and helped me reach my
full ability. I was pushing...I was like,
I want to do this, I don't want Dyslexia
to define me. I want to keep going, not
supposed to graduate from high school...
HA, I'll go to college! HA, I'll go to grad
school. I'm just going to keep going. But
you know, I always felt like there was
going to be this kind of "Dyslexia ceiling".
It's like, okay...you got that far. You got
into Grad school, but, eh...now you are
done. I didn't have a lot of confidence
and I had a really huge imposter syndrome
going on, waiting for everyone to figure
out I really didn't belong there. Somehow,
I really shouldn't have even graduated from
high school. But Martha saw in me
tremendous potential. She mentored me,
and with a collaborator, Rowena Matthews,
I had these two female professors who
really helped work with me, and gave me
tremendous opportunities. Like the
opportunity to talk about my research in
an international meeting. At that meeting,
there was another female professor in the
audience, JoAnn Stubbe. And she saw me
and said, "That's somebody we'd like to
hire on the faculty at M.I.T." So, I didn't
apply, because, what am I? Crazy?
Professor at M.I.T.? No...that would not
work out. I didn't apply, but I was
recruited, invited to come and give a
talk. Okay, I said, how fun is this? I'm
talking at M.I.T.! And then they offered
me a job, and my jaw hit the bottom.
I was like, "What do you mean?" and they
were like, you know, "We are offering
you a position at M.I.T." So I took it,
and I thought, "Okay, this is going to be
really fun for a few years. I'm going to
have the time of my life doing research,
until they figure out what a crazy mistake
they made and kick me out." But, somehow,
I was able to fool them for a long enough
to get tenure and then be promoted to a
full professor, so they can't fire me now.
They can figure it out...too late... tenure.
Awesome thing! Really awesome.
So, I was at M.I.T. with these really
smart people. My research: I really think
it was an advantage to be Dyslexic in some
of the research I'm doing.
I'm just going to tell you briefly about
my research to see how Dyslexia, I think,
was an advantage for me to be able to do
well in this area.
My research is about visualizing tiny
molecules, like protein molecules. If you
think about visualizing things--this is my
daughter, Samantha. And if I want to
visualize her moving around and doing a
dance, I can take out my cell phone and
take a picture of her. That's pretty easy.
But inside my daughter, and inside all
living creatures there are cells, and those
cells are much smaller, but still, you can
get a microscope. If you get a good
quality microscope, you can visualize
those cells moving around. But inside
cells, there are proteins, or enzymes, that
are carrying out the life functions of the
cell. If you want to see those proteins,
moving around, that's a lot harder. There
isn't such a thing--like a microscope, and
you have to use biophysical methods, one of
which is X-ray crystallography, what I do.
You need to get these images of these
protein molecules moving by taking
snapshots using this biophysical method.
That is the research my lab does. We want
to watch protein molecules shake, rattle,
and roll and carry out their function.
Let me just tell you a little bit about the
technique of crystallography. Jenny
Glusker compared crystallography to a
light microscope. In a light microscope,
you have visible light shining through your
amoeba, planararian, whatever you are
looking at. The light is diffracted, and
there is a lens which can combine the
diffracted light waves, and give you an
enlarged image. If you want to look at
something small like a protein molecule,
you can't use visible light, you have to
use x-rays. You can't just have one copy
of your molecule, you need to have
thousands of copies of your molecule
lined up in a regularly repeating pattern
or a crystal. So you shine x-rays through
your crystal, the x-rays are diffracted,
but now there is no such thing as a lens
which can combine diffracted x-rays.
The crystallographer and her computer need
to do that. We collect data that tells us
on a piece of film or a detector, tells us
about those x-rays. You get a spot on the
piece of film when the x-ray hits. Then,
we have to mathematically combine the
information about the waves, and you get
what is known as an electron density map.
This is a map in three dimensions that say
electrons are here, which means your atoms
are here. Into that, you have to put atoms
to build the structure of your molecule.
Proteins are made up of twenty different
amino acids, and those are shown here.
You know your protein has those amino
acids, and you know the order of the amino
acids in your protein, and then you get
electron density that looks like this.
This is one slice of electron density.
You have to figure out which side chain
goes in which piece of electron density.
This is just the perfect technique for me
because of the way I learned how to read.
There was the shape of a word, and I
figured what word went into that shape.
This is the same thing, but it's infinitely
easier, there's a lot of different words!
There are only 20 amino-acids. This is not
bad at all. There was a shape, and I just
had to figure out what amino acid went
into that shape, and build protein
molecules. So here is a piece of electron
density, here is the amino acid that fits
in. Here is another piece of electron
density, here is the maino acid that fits
into that piece. There is only 20
possibilities. This is not so bad. Now...
these maps, you might say...that
looks pretty straightforward, every one
could probably do that. But this is really
good quality data, and a lot of times what
we get is not very good, and the maps
don't look that good. But I am very good at
recognizing patterns that other people
don't see, and seeing things in that
density that other people miss. Sometimes
my students will be working on this part
of the structure, and they are trying to
build it ~this~ way, and build it ~that~
way, and they can't figure out what is
going on and I walk by and go, "Oh, like
that..." They try it and they look at me,
and they are like, "How on earth did you
see that?" It's because I have these years
of experience looking at patterns. It's the
way that I read, it's what I do. So I am
able to see those shapes. Sometimes...
we had a discovery early on that got me
tenured at M.I.T., and I found out later
that other people had been stuck. There
was this one part of the protein, one
part of the map, it was a very flexible
region. The electron density was terrible.
No one else could trace it. They couldn't
finish solving the structure, they couldn't
figure out what was going on. But I was
able to do it. I did it myself early on in
the lab, and I built it and it was right.
We got the first structure, and we got the
credit. I really do believe there are
things that you see differently when you
are Dyslexic that can be a huge advantage
in certain areas. This "visualizing", this
ability to see shapes and patterns
definitely is true for me.
What kind of advice can I give going out?
I feel like one thing, "Don't listen to
what anyone tells you , you can or can
not do." --Not graduate from high school...
I think that's maybe why I am a professor.
I'm like..."I'm going to stay in school...
FOREVER!" No one really knows what
someone is capable of. Even that person
doesn't know what they are capable of.
The only way you figure out what you are
capable of is to try it! You can't be
afraid to fall on your face and fail. If
you are doing anything that's important
or significant, it's going to be hard!
There is going to be failure. The key to
success is just going, "Well, that didn't
go well...Let's try that again!" You pick
yourself up and you go right back at it.
If you do that, and you just do what you
love to do, and find things that are cool
and interesting and fun. And only work
for nice people. Life is hard enough. You
really don't want to work for people who
are not nice. Get yourself a group of
people that you really like that you can
support each other...People who will have
your back. If you don't have that support
group, look for it. You know, I could work
for a lot of different people, but I
picked someone that I knew would be a good
mentor toward me. That was really key. If
you have nice people surrounding, and you
just go for it...it's amazing. There is no
Dyslexia ceiling, it doesn't exist unless
you create it in your own mind.
Thank you very much.