WEBVTT

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「我腦裏面感覺到有一場葬禮，

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而殮葬嘅人不停行嚟行去，

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當我嘅感覺返返嚟，佢哋就坐返埋位，

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葬禮儀式好似鼓一樣敲打著。

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直至我嘅腦完全麻木，

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跟住我聽到佢哋移靈安葬我嘅遺體，

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而我嘅靈魂就好似木一樣敲碎緊，

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仲有佢哋好似之前一樣
鉛一樣沉重嘅腳步，

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而成個大嘅空間好似有一個鐘喺度響。

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天堂好似一個鐘咁，

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而人就好似耳朵，


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聽到定時響起嘅鐘聲，

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但我同寂靜屬於同一個異端，

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都係擱淺喺荒島上，孤零零喺度。

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隨著支持我嘅木板斷開，

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我不斷墜落， 墜落，

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撞到好多嘢然後跌落一個世界，

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我唔再認識事物。」

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我哋喺好多喑喻裏邊見到抑鬱症

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艾米莉 ‧ 狄金森將抑鬱症轉化為文字

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戈雅將抑鬱症轉化成油畫

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一半嘅藝術創作

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係想表達抑鬱症嘅典形狀態

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至於我， 我一直認為自己係堅強

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如果一班人被咗去集中營嘅話

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我會係其中一個可以存活落嚟嘅人

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1991 年，我經歷一連串嘅打擊

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我母親過世、一段感情結束咗

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同埋我結束咗幾年外國生活

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返返去美國

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而我經歷以上打擊都仍然係好硬淨

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但係喺 1994，三年之後

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我發覺自己幾乎對所有嘢都冇興趣

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我唔想做任何之前想做嘅嘢

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我都唔知點解會噉樣

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抑鬱嘅反面唔係快樂， 係活力

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活力就係嗰時我覺得我失去咗嘅嘢

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每日要做嘅嘢實在太多啦

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我想返屋企

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見到電話答錄機上面閃著紅色燈
我冇咁驚

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因為唔使聽到朋友留言

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我就諗︰點解我要覆返咁多人嘅電話？

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或係我應該要食午餐啦

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但我會諗， 我要將食物攞出嚟

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擺喺個碟度

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又要切、又要擺入個口度，又要吞咗去

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感覺好似耶穌行十架嘅路一樣

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而有一樣成日喺討論抑鬱症嘅時候

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會忽略嘅嘢係

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你知道抑鬱症係非常荒謬嘅一件事

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你知道當你經歷抑鬱症嘅時候

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佢係有幾咁荒謬

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你知道大部分人
會聽答錄機嘅留言同食晏

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安排好沖涼、出去屋企

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呢啲都係好簡單

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但當你仍然係喺抑鬱症嘅控制當中

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你搵唔到方法解決佢

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之後我覺得自己做嘢做得愈嚟愈少

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又諗得少、感受又愈嚟愈少

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可以話係無能

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跟著焦慮嚟勒

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如果你話俾我聽之後嗰幾個月

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我都要處於抑鬱狀態

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我會話︰只要佢十一月完，我就冇問題

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但係如果你同我講

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我呢幾個月都要極度焦慮

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我寧願割腕自殺，好過極度焦慮幾個月

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我嗰陣成日都會有一種感覺

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好似你行路突然跣襯或者拤倒

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而地下快速衝埋你度咁嘅感覺

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但係嗰種恐懼感並唔係
剩係跌落地嘅半秒鐘

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而係持續咗半年

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嗰種感覺令你一直覺得好驚

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但你又唔會知道你驚嘅係乜嘢

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就喺嗰個時候我開始諗

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活著真係太痛苦

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而唯一唔自殺嘅理由

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就係因為唔想
因為我自殺會傷害到其他人

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然後有一日，當我瞓醒

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突然間覺得我中風

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因為我喺床上完全郁唔到

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我望住個電話，諗

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「有啲唔對路， 我要打去搵人幫手」

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但我連手都遞唔到

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噉點拎起電話打呢？

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經過四個鐘頭我依煞瞓喺張床

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郁都郁唔到

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電話響，我用盡力咁攞起個電話

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嗰個係我老豆打嚟

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我話「 我遇到好大嘅麻煩，

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我哋必須諗辦法解決佢。」

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第二日我就開始治療同食藥

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而我同時諗到一個好弊嘅問題

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如果我唔係一個堅強嘅人

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可以喺集中營裏面生存嘅人

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噉我係乜？

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如果我要靠藥物

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噉藥物係咪令我做返真正嘅自己？

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定係將我變成第二個人？

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如果藥物令我變成第二個人

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噉我應該有咩感受？

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我對抗抑鬱會有兩個好處

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第一就係客觀嚟講，我會有好嘅生活

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如果當我好返

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噉之後就會有更美好嘅嘢等住我

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第二樣就係我會得到好好嘅治療

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但我好轉又復發，好轉又復發

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最後我終於明白

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我以後都要靠食藥同治潦生活

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我就諗 ，抑鬱症到底
係化學問題定精神問題呢？

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需要化學治療定係心理治療？

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我搞唔清楚

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跟住我明白到

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我哋無論呢兩個領域嘅知識
都未夠深入去解釋事物

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化學治療同心理治療都有佢哋嘅作用

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我同時發覺抑鬱症係一種

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同我哋內心深深糾纏著嘅嘢嚟

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即係話我哋冇辦法將
佢由我哋人格同個性當中分離

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我想講我哋對抑鬱症嘅治療方法
其實係唔係好好

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嗰啲治療都唔係好有效

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而且仲非常昂貴

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有好多數唔曬嘅副作用

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呢啲治療嘅禍害好大

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但慶幸嘅係我生活喺呢個年代

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而唔係五十年前

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五十年前面對抑鬱症係束手無策

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我希望五十年之後

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當人聽到我呢一刻接受過嘅治療

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會覺訝異點解會有人接受咁原始嘅科學

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抑鬱症喺感情上係一個裂口

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如果你今日同某人結婚，然後諗

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「如果我老婆過生， 我會搵另一個」

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噉樣就唔係我哋所認知嘅愛情

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如果冇預料過會失去，噉就唔叫做愛情

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預見過絕望係人變得親密嘅原動力

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人成日會撈亂三樣嘢︰

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抑鬱、哀痛同悲傷

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哀痛係好有反應

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如果你因為失去某樣嘢而非常唔開心

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半年之後你仲係覺得好難過

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但比起半年前好咗啲

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嗰種應該哀痛

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佢自己最後會慢慢消失

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如果你經歷過一場浩劫，感覺好慘

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六個月後你只能夠僅僅噉捱落去

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好可能就係浩劫發生嗰陣

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同時引起你嘅抑鬱

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噉樣嘅軌跡畀我哋了解到

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抑鬱症係一件好嚴重嘅事

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人哋覺得抑鬱症就同等於悲傷

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但係抑鬱症卻係帶著太多太多嘅悲傷

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同埋太多太多嘅哀痛

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而一切都係由小事引起

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當我開始去了解抑鬱症

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開始同一啲曾經患過嘅人傾嘅時候

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我發現嗰啲人表現上睇起嚟
有輕微嘅抑鬱

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但實際上抑鬱症令佢哋失去咗生活能力

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另一邊有批人聽起上嚟
有好嚴重嘅抑鬱

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但佢哋卻係兩次病發之間生活得好好

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跟著我開始搵出

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係乜原因畀令某啲人比另一啲更堅強

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係乜嘢機制

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令人就算有抑鬱都可以生存落嚟？

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跟著我一個又一個咁同曾經抑鬱嘅人傾

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其中一個人形容抑鬱症

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係一個慢慢死亡嘅過程

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一開頭聽到呢種講法係好事嚟

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因為佢提醒咗我

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慢慢步入死亡真係可以死亡

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呢樣嘢係好嚴肅

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抑鬱症係全世界第一大
引致失去活動能力嘅疾病

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每日都有人因為抑鬱症而離開世界

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其中一個喺我了解抑鬱症嘅時候傾嘅人

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係我一個認識多年嘅好友

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佢喺大學第一年有精神問題

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之後惡化成幾多人驚嘅抑鬱症

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佢精神好兩極化

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即係之後嘅躁狂抑鬱症

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經過多年鋰鹽治療

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佢復完得相當唔錯

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到最後醫生停咗開鋰鹽俾佢

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睇下佢可唔可以唔使藥物都得

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跟著佢又再度精神失常

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仲惡化成我見過最嚴重嘅抑鬱症

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佢坐喺佢父母間屋裏面

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手腳好硬，坐喺度唔郁

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日日都係咁

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幾年之後我問佢呢段經歷時

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佢已經係詩人同心理治療師
Maggie Robins

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佢話︰「我一直重複唱著

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Where Have All The Flowers Gone，

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令我個腦剩係得呢首歌。

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我唱著呢首歌去掩蓋心入邊把聲，

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嗰把聲就係

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『你係冇用嘅，
你對世界嚟講可有可無。

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你根本唔配活喺呢個世界上。』

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呢個時候我開始諗住自殺。」

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你有抑鬱嘅時候唔會諗

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你戴咗一塊灰色面紗

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唔會覺得自己係透過負面情緒去睇嘢

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你只會認為一塊
代表快樂嘅面紗被人攞走咗

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你覺得宜家先係睇到真實嘅世界

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同樣係人格分裂嘅病人

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內心覺得有嘢需要驅趕嘅一類病人

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比較容易治療

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但抑鬱類型嘅病人就難啲

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因為病人相信佢哋睇到真實世界

NOTE Paragraph

00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:33.197
但真實世界卻係講緊大話

00:10:33.987 --> 00:10:35.985
我成日聽到呢句說話

00:10:35.985 --> 00:10:38.360
「但真實世界卻係講緊大話」

00:10:38.360 --> 00:10:40.813
當我同抑鬱嘅人傾計嘅時候

00:10:40.813 --> 00:10:43.495
我發現佢哋有好多幻覺

00:10:43.495 --> 00:10:45.162
佢哋會話「冇人愛我」

00:10:45.162 --> 00:10:46.153
然後你同佢講

00:10:46.153 --> 00:10:49.335
「我愛你，你老婆愛你，
你媽咪愛你。」

00:10:49.335 --> 00:10:52.928
你可以好快咁應返佢哋大部分人

00:10:52.928 --> 00:10:55.190
但係抑鬱症嘅人會話

00:10:55.190 --> 00:10:59.185
「無論我哋點樣努力，
我哋最後都會死。」

00:10:59.185 --> 00:11:00.191
或者佢哋會話

00:11:00.191 --> 00:11:03.024
「兩個人之間唔會有真正嘅溝通。

00:11:03.024 --> 00:11:05.600
每個人只會畀自己嘅身體困住。」

00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:07.339
你只可以回答

00:11:07.339 --> 00:11:11.040
「冇錯，但我覺得我哋宜家應該諗，

00:11:11.040 --> 00:11:12.498
我哋早餐食啲乜。」

00:11:12.498 --> 00:11:14.649
（笑聲）

00:11:14.649 --> 00:11:17.498
好多時佢哋表逹嘅並唔係一種病，

00:11:17.498 --> 00:11:19.234
而係佢哋睇嘢嘅角度

00:11:19.234 --> 00:11:21.891
而佢哋會覺得好特別嘅嘢會係

00:11:21.891 --> 00:11:24.825
我哋大部分人都一早知道嘅問題

00:11:24.825 --> 00:11:27.115
呢啲問題唔會好令我哋分心

00:11:27.115 --> 00:11:29.274
我幾鐘意一個調查

00:11:29.274 --> 00:11:32.874
一班抑鬱症病人同一班冇抑鬱嘅人

00:11:32.874 --> 00:11:35.478
需要分別玩電子遊戲一粒鐘

00:11:35.478 --> 00:11:37.291
當佢哋玩完

00:11:37.291 --> 00:11:38.942
佢哋要回答佢哋覺得喺遊戲裏面

00:11:38.942 --> 00:11:40.806
殺咗幾多隻怪獸

00:11:40.806 --> 00:11:45.098
抑鬱症嗰班人通常講到
10% 之內誤差嘅數字

00:11:45.098 --> 00:11:46.547
至於冇抑鬱症嘅人

00:11:46.547 --> 00:11:47.592
佢哋估嘅數字

00:11:47.592 --> 00:11:53.494
係佢哋真正殺咗數目嘅 15-20 倍

00:11:53.494 --> 00:11:55.945
（笑聲）

NOTE Paragraph

00:11:55.945 --> 00:11:59.011
好多人會話，當我決定寫我嘅抑鬱症

00:11:59.011 --> 00:12:03.920
係一個非常困難嘅決定

00:12:03.920 --> 00:12:04.904
佢哋問︰

00:12:04.904 --> 00:12:06.104
「人哋同你傾計嘅時候會唔會唔同？」

00:12:06.104 --> 00:12:09.410
我話︰「係，
人哋同我傾計會有唔同。」

00:12:09.410 --> 00:12:12.880
佢哋會同我講佢哋抑鬱症嘅經驗

00:12:12.880 --> 00:12:14.715
可能係佢哋家姐、細妹

00:12:14.715 --> 00:12:16.489
可能係佢哋嘅朋友

00:12:16.489 --> 00:12:18.781
宜家唔同啦因為我知道

00:12:18.781 --> 00:12:23.532
抑鬱症每個家庭都曾經有過

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:23.539 --> 00:12:27.067
前幾年我去咗個研討會

00:12:27.067 --> 00:12:28.757
喺嗰個為期三日嘅研討會入面

00:12:28.757 --> 00:12:29.820
其中一日，係星期五嚟

00:12:29.820 --> 00:12:32.711
其中一個參加者將我拉到一旁
然後佢同我講︰

00:12:32.711 --> 00:12:38.886
「我有抑鬱症，呢個病令我覺得尷尬，

00:12:38.886 --> 00:12:40.988
但係我一路有食藥。

00:12:40.988 --> 00:12:43.936
我剩係想問下你你點樣睇？」

00:12:43.936 --> 00:12:46.770
所以我就盡我所能答佢

00:12:46.770 --> 00:12:48.490
佢跟住話︰ 「你知嗎？

00:12:48.490 --> 00:12:51.281
我老公永遠唔會明白架。

00:12:51.281 --> 00:12:53.854
呢樣嘢對佢完全冇意義。

00:12:53.854 --> 00:12:56.721
所以， 呢個係我哋嘅秘密。」

00:12:56.721 --> 00:12:58.507
我答 ︰「冇問題。」

00:12:58.507 --> 00:13:00.616
跟著喺研討會嘅最後一日

00:13:00.616 --> 00:13:02.636
佢丈夫又拉埋我一邊

00:13:02.636 --> 00:13:03.660
（笑聲）

00:13:03.660 --> 00:13:06.134
佢話 ︰「我老婆
如果知道我有抑鬱症嘅話，

00:13:06.134 --> 00:13:08.275
絕對唔會覺得我係一個男人。

00:13:08.275 --> 00:13:14.119
我有療程，有食藥。
我想知道你點諗？」

00:13:14.119 --> 00:13:16.817
佢哋兩夫妻將佢哋同一款藥

00:13:16.817 --> 00:13:19.582
收埋喺同一間睡房嘅唔同地方

00:13:19.582 --> 00:13:21.107
（笑聲）

00:13:21.107 --> 00:13:24.118
我諗佢哋溝通唔係好好

00:13:24.118 --> 00:13:26.116
導致一啲問題出現

00:13:26.116 --> 00:13:29.507
（笑聲）

00:13:30.637 --> 00:13:36.152
同時我都因為佢哋互相提防而覺得辛苦

00:13:36.152 --> 00:13:38.026
抑鬱症令人好攰

00:13:38.026 --> 00:13:40.794
佢用咗你好多時間同精力

00:13:40.794 --> 00:13:45.038
唔理抑鬱症只會令抑鬱症惡化

NOTE Paragraph

00:13:45.038 --> 00:13:48.752
然後我開始諗抑鬱症患者康復嘅方法

00:13:48.752 --> 00:13:51.167
我會由傳統治療開始

00:13:51.167 --> 00:13:53.539
我知道只有少數治療
至可以對患者有幫助

00:13:53.539 --> 00:13:55.348
好明顯係某幾種方法

00:13:55.348 --> 00:13:56.992
有藥物治療

00:13:56.992 --> 00:13:58.468
有一啲心理治療

00:13:58.468 --> 00:14:00.913
仲可能有電痙攣療法

00:14:00.913 --> 00:14:03.588
但其他方法都係冇用

00:14:03.588 --> 00:14:05.420
我發現咗一樣嘢

00:14:05.420 --> 00:14:07.172
如果你有腦癌

00:14:07.172 --> 00:14:11.674
而每朝倒立廿分鐘會令你感覺好啲

00:14:11.674 --> 00:14:13.153
可能真係會畀你感覺好啲啦

00:14:13.153 --> 00:14:14.741
但係你嘅腦癌從來都冇消失過

00:14:14.741 --> 00:14:17.030
你最終都有可能死於腦癌

00:14:17.030 --> 00:14:19.542
但如果你有抑鬱症

00:14:19.542 --> 00:14:21.647
每日倒立廿分鐘

00:14:21.647 --> 00:14:24.131
會畀你感覺好一啲， 噉就真係有效啦

00:14:24.131 --> 00:14:26.491
因為抑鬱症係你認知上出現咗問題

00:14:26.491 --> 00:14:30.940
你感覺好啲就代表咗你唔再係抑鬱

00:14:30.940 --> 00:14:35.893
所以我開始接受其他唔同嘅治療

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:35.893 --> 00:14:38.272
然後我收到好多患者寄嚟嘅信

00:14:38.272 --> 00:14:40.788
講有咩方法對佢哋奏效

00:14:40.788 --> 00:14:44.469
就好似今日噉就有人喺後台
問我藥物方面嘅嘢

00:14:44.469 --> 00:14:48.417
一個女士曾經寫過一封我係最鐘意嘅

00:14:48.417 --> 00:14:51.478
佢話佢曾經嘗試過治療、藥物

00:14:51.478 --> 00:14:52.985
所有嘅嘢都試過曬

00:14:52.985 --> 00:14:55.822
最後佢搵到一種方法，想我同大家分享

00:14:55.822 --> 00:14:59.634
就係用毛冷整唔同嘅小飾物

00:14:59.634 --> 00:15:02.633
（笑聲）

00:15:02.633 --> 00:15:04.333
佢仲送咗啲佢整嘅作品

00:15:04.333 --> 00:15:06.157
（笑聲）

00:15:06.157 --> 00:15:08.555
不過我宜家冇帶著佢哋

00:15:09.845 --> 00:15:12.240
我叫佢睇一睇

00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:15.078
心理醫學診斷同統計手冊裡面

00:15:15.078 --> 00:15:16.448
有關強迫症嘅部分

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:16.448 --> 00:15:19.536
當我搵其他治療嘅時候

00:15:19.536 --> 00:15:22.444
我對佢哋了解深咗

00:15:22.444 --> 00:15:25.347
我曾經去過塞內加爾
一個部落嘅驅邪儀式

00:15:25.347 --> 00:15:27.360
儀式入面有好多公羊嘅血

00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:29.422
我唔喺度描述啦

00:15:29.422 --> 00:15:33.192
但幾年後我喺盧旺達參與另一項計畫

00:15:33.192 --> 00:15:35.976
我要同人講我喺塞內加爾嘅經歷

00:15:35.976 --> 00:15:37.736
佢話︰「嗰度係西非，你知嗎？

00:15:37.736 --> 00:15:39.556
我哋係喺東非，

00:15:39.556 --> 00:15:41.390
我哋嘅儀式同佢哋嘅
喺幾方面都有好大分別，

00:15:41.390 --> 00:15:45.693
但同時都有一啲相同嘅地方。

00:15:45.693 --> 00:15:46.703
我話係呀

00:15:46.703 --> 00:15:49.695
佢話佢哋同西方心理健康人員
有唔少麻煩

00:15:49.695 --> 00:15:52.452
尤其係嗰啲喺種族屠殺之後嚟嘅人

00:15:52.452 --> 00:15:54.779
我問︰「佢哋帶俾你咩麻煩？」

00:15:54.779 --> 00:15:58.995
佢話︰「佢哋做啲嘢真係好好，

00:15:58.995 --> 00:16:00.874
佢哋不但止冇帶病人曬太陽，

00:16:00.874 --> 00:16:02.574
令病人感覺好啲，

00:16:02.574 --> 00:16:03.574
佢哋仲冇打鼓或者播音樂，

00:16:03.574 --> 00:16:05.668
令病人嘅血活起上嚟。

00:16:05.668 --> 00:16:07.510
佢哋冇帶動成個社群，

00:16:07.510 --> 00:16:09.285
佢哋冇將抑鬱症

00:16:09.285 --> 00:16:10.718
講成係一種入侵性嘅惡靈。

00:16:10.718 --> 00:16:15.999
佢哋反而將病人逐個帶入黑房，

00:16:15.999 --> 00:16:17.320
由佢哋自己講返


00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:19.550
佢哋經歷過痛苦嘅嘢。」

00:16:19.550 --> 00:16:25.010
（笑聲）
（掌聲）

00:16:25.010 --> 00:16:27.372
佢話 ︰「 我哋只好請佢哋離開國家。」

00:16:27.372 --> 00:16:30.429
（笑聲）

NOTE Paragraph

00:16:30.429 --> 00:16:32.873
宜家講下其他另類療法

00:16:32.873 --> 00:16:34.908
介紹一下 Frank Russakoff

00:16:34.908 --> 00:16:37.961
Frank Russakoff 有好嚴重嘅抑鬱症

00:16:37.961 --> 00:16:40.846
應該話我係從來未喺
任何一個男人身上見過嘅

00:16:40.846 --> 00:16:42.869
佢成日抑鬱

00:16:42.869 --> 00:16:45.010
當我見佢嘅時候

00:16:45.010 --> 00:16:48.168
佢每個月都要接受電擊治療

00:16:48.168 --> 00:16:50.743
治療完之後嘅一個禮拜佢會覺得迷茫

00:16:50.743 --> 00:16:52.546
之後第二個禮拜又會好返

00:16:52.546 --> 00:16:54.246
跟著又會抑鬱

00:16:54.246 --> 00:16:56.931
噉樣嘅話佢又要去接受電擊治療

00:16:56.931 --> 00:16:58.346
當我見到佢，佢同我講

00:16:58.346 --> 00:17:00.898
「我已經忍受唔到噉樣過日子，

00:17:00.898 --> 00:17:02.405
我唔可以再繼續噉樣落去。

00:17:02.405 --> 00:17:06.249
假如情況冇好轉，我知道點樣解決佢。」

00:17:06.249 --> 00:17:07.544
佢又同我講︰「但係，

00:17:07.544 --> 00:17:10.857
我聽過麻省總醫院有個療法叫做

00:17:10.857 --> 00:17:13.623
扣帶回切開術， 係一種腦科手術，

00:17:13.623 --> 00:17:15.754
我諗我可以試試。」

00:17:15.754 --> 00:17:17.708
我記得當時我好開心

00:17:17.708 --> 00:17:21.239
因為一個人已經經歷過咁多

00:17:21.239 --> 00:17:24.088
慘痛經歷、咁多唔同嘅治療

00:17:24.088 --> 00:17:27.210
但佢內心仲抱著一絲嘅樂觀

00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:29.760
佢願意再試多次

00:17:29.760 --> 00:17:33.990
佢做咗個好成功嘅手術

00:17:33.990 --> 00:17:35.474
宜家仲係我朋友

00:17:35.474 --> 00:17:38.966
佢有一個好老婆同兩個可愛嘅細路

00:17:38.966 --> 00:17:41.915
佢手術之後嘅聖誕節寫咗封信俾我

00:17:41.915 --> 00:17:43.104
佢話︰

00:17:43.104 --> 00:17:45.511
「我老豆今年寄咗我兩份禮物，

00:17:45.511 --> 00:17:48.113
第一份係 The Sharper Image 牌嘅
可捲動式 CD 架，

00:17:48.113 --> 00:17:49.534
但我唔需要佢。

00:17:49.534 --> 00:17:51.631
不過我知道佢送嚟係想

00:17:51.631 --> 00:17:53.359
慶祝我可以獨立生活、

00:17:53.359 --> 00:17:55.406
有自己鐘意嘅工。

00:17:55.406 --> 00:17:58.557
另一份禮物係我婆婆嘅相，

00:17:58.557 --> 00:18:00.795
我婆婆死於自殺。

00:18:00.795 --> 00:18:03.730
當我拆禮物，我就喊咗出嚟，

00:18:03.730 --> 00:18:05.610
然後我媽咪過嚟同我講︰

00:18:05.610 --> 00:18:08.925
『你係咪未見過婆婆而喊？』

00:18:08.925 --> 00:18:13.013
我答︰『婆婆同我都有同樣嘅病。』

00:18:13.013 --> 00:18:15.594
我喊係因為我寫俾你。

00:18:15.594 --> 00:18:19.189
我唔係傷心， 而係我個腦太多嘢啦。

00:18:19.189 --> 00:18:21.410
我覺得自己會自殺，

00:18:21.410 --> 00:18:24.863
但父母同醫生支持我。

00:18:24.863 --> 00:18:29.536
我做咗手術，我仲生存，我好感激。

00:18:29.536 --> 00:18:31.791
雖然有時感覺唔係活喺一個啱嘅年代，

00:18:31.791 --> 00:18:34.800
我哋確實活喺一個啱嘅年代。」

NOTE Paragraph

00:18:35.670 --> 00:18:37.567
我驚訝抑鬱症竟然

00:18:37.567 --> 00:18:42.832
被認為係一種現代、西方、中產嘅嘢

00:18:42.832 --> 00:18:44.981
於是我就睇下抑鬱症

00:18:44.981 --> 00:18:46.984
喺其他唔同地方係點發生

00:18:46.984 --> 00:18:50.893
我最感到興趣嘅係低下階層嘅抑鬱情況

00:18:50.893 --> 00:18:55.254
所以我搵出針對窮人嘅抑鬱有乜係做咗

00:18:55.254 --> 00:18:59.972
我發現大多數有抑鬱症嘅窮人
都冇接受過治療

00:18:59.972 --> 00:19:02.888
抑鬱症係基因易受損嘅結果

00:19:02.888 --> 00:19:06.046
呢種基因按理會喺
成個人口裡面平均分布

00:19:06.046 --> 00:19:11.779
而發病情況，尤其窮人會相對嚴重

00:19:11.779 --> 00:19:14.204
但實情係如果你有一個美好嘅生活

00:19:14.204 --> 00:19:16.344
但一直覺得自己好淒慘

00:19:16.344 --> 00:19:18.314
同埋問︰「點解我會有咁嘅感覺？

00:19:18.314 --> 00:19:19.963
我應該有抑鬱啦。」

00:19:19.963 --> 00:19:21.936
然後你去搵治療

00:19:21.936 --> 00:19:24.029
但係如果你有一個好慘嘅人生

00:19:24.029 --> 00:19:25.896
而你一直都覺得好慘

00:19:25.896 --> 00:19:28.722
你慘嘅感覺同你慘嘅生活呼應

00:19:28.722 --> 00:19:32.216
你唔會諗呢個病可以醫得好

00:19:32.229 --> 00:19:35.365
換句話講，我哋抑鬱國家
入面嘅貧窮人口

00:19:35.365 --> 00:19:38.278
爆發咗一種流行病叫做抑鬱症

00:19:38.278 --> 00:19:40.790
但冇人提過佢、冇人會醫過佢

00:19:40.790 --> 00:19:42.846
冇人重視過佢

00:19:42.846 --> 00:19:45.046
可以話係社會悲劇

00:19:45.046 --> 00:19:46.534
所以我搵咗一個學者

00:19:46.534 --> 00:19:50.111
佢進行梗一個
關於華盛頓外圍貧民區嘅研究

00:19:50.111 --> 00:19:53.089
佢揀咗求診嘅女性做對象

00:19:53.089 --> 00:19:54.770
呢啲女性係因為其他病至求診

00:19:54.770 --> 00:19:56.452
但後來都發現到有抑鬱

00:19:56.452 --> 00:19:58.384
於是班人得到六星期嘅試驗性治療

00:19:58.384 --> 00:20:00.463
Lolly 係其中一個參加嘅人

00:20:00.463 --> 00:20:07.520
佢第一日入嚟就話佢係七個細路嘅母親

00:20:07.520 --> 00:20:10.568
佢以前有做嘢，但佢宜家要放棄份工

00:20:10.568 --> 00:20:12.958
「因為我出唔到間屋。

00:20:12.958 --> 00:20:15.186
我同細路冇嘢講。

00:20:15.186 --> 00:20:17.953
朝早， 我唔可以等住佢哋走，

00:20:17.953 --> 00:20:20.943
我只好返上床用被遮住個頭。

00:20:20.943 --> 00:20:22.589
三點鐘當小朋友返到屋企，

00:20:22.589 --> 00:20:24.390
我覺得時間過得好快。

00:20:24.390 --> 00:20:26.630
佢仲話︰ 「我一直有食開 Tylenol，

00:20:26.630 --> 00:20:29.389
任何可以畀我瞓耐啲嘅藥物。

00:20:29.389 --> 00:20:33.159
我丈夫一直話我又蠢又醜，

00:20:33.159 --> 00:20:36.664
我希望痛楚可以停止。」

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00:20:36.664 --> 00:20:39.304
佢就係噉帶咗入嚟呢個試驗性嘅治療

00:20:39.304 --> 00:20:41.612
六個月後我再同佢傾

00:20:41.612 --> 00:20:47.679
佢已經喺一間美國海軍嘅托兒所度做

00:20:47.679 --> 00:20:49.824
佢離開有暴力傾向嘅丈夫

00:20:49.824 --> 00:20:51.646
佢話畀我知

00:20:51.646 --> 00:20:54.275
佢啲細路比以前仲開心咗添

00:20:54.275 --> 00:20:57.442
佢間新屋入面整咗一間房專門俾男仔

00:20:57.442 --> 00:20:58.860
仲有一間房專門俾女仔

00:20:58.860 --> 00:21:01.399
「但係夜晚細路都去晒我張床，

00:21:01.399 --> 00:21:04.011
我哋一齊做功課同埋其他嘢。

00:21:04.011 --> 00:21:05.684
其中一個小朋友話想做牧師，

00:21:05.684 --> 00:21:07.384
另一個想做消防員。

00:21:07.384 --> 00:21:10.350
有個女話想做律師。

00:21:10.350 --> 00:21:14.905
佢哋唔似以前噉喊，同埋冇再打交。

00:21:14.913 --> 00:21:18.693
我宜家需要嘅就只係我小朋友。

00:21:18.693 --> 00:21:20.605
事情一直喺度改變梗，

00:21:20.605 --> 00:21:23.498
我著衫、我對事物嘅感覺，

00:21:23.498 --> 00:21:25.798
仲有我平時嘅態度都有唔同。

00:21:25.798 --> 00:21:29.485
我可以行出門口而唔覺得驚。

00:21:29.485 --> 00:21:32.894
我唔覺得以前唔好嘅感覺會返返嚟。

00:21:32.894 --> 00:21:35.929
如果唔係 Miranda 醫生，

00:21:35.929 --> 00:21:39.546
我可能仲要匿喺屋企用被襟著個頭。

00:21:39.546 --> 00:21:41.895
如果我仲活著嘅話，

00:21:41.895 --> 00:21:45.627
我會問上帝派一隻天使嚟，

00:21:45.627 --> 00:21:48.107
令佢可以聽到我嘅禱告。」

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00:21:50.349 --> 00:21:53.312
佢嘅經驗令我非常感動

00:21:53.312 --> 00:21:55.851
我決定將佢嘅經歷寫落嚟

00:21:55.851 --> 00:21:57.230
唔只寫入我喺寫梗嘅一本書

00:21:57.230 --> 00:21:58.541
仲會寫喺專欄裡面

00:21:58.541 --> 00:22:02.882
同埋紐約時代雜誌邀請我
寫關於窮人嘅抑鬱症

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00:22:02.882 --> 00:22:04.494
我就寫咗我遇過真實嘅故事

00:22:04.494 --> 00:22:06.090
但編輯打嚟話︰

00:22:06.090 --> 00:22:08.320
「我哋登唔到噉樣嘅文章。」

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00:22:08.320 --> 00:22:09.550
我話點解唔得？

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00:22:09.550 --> 00:22:12.185
佢話個故事太牽強啦

00:22:12.185 --> 00:22:15.633
「呢啲人係社會嘅最底層，

00:22:15.633 --> 00:22:17.767
佢哋接受咗幾個月治療之後，

00:22:17.767 --> 00:22:19.969
就可以去摩根史坦利返工？

00:22:19.969 --> 00:22:21.823
簡直難以置信。」

00:22:21.823 --> 00:22:24.028
佢話︰「我從來未聽過噉樣嘅嘢。」

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00:22:24.028 --> 00:22:26.562
我話你冇聽過就代表咗

00:22:26.562 --> 00:22:29.402
呢單係一單「新」聞

00:22:29.402 --> 00:22:37.316
（笑聲）
（掌聲）

00:22:37.317 --> 00:22:39.811
我仲話呢個係一間新聞雜誌社嚟架

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00:22:39.811 --> 00:22:41.493
噉傾咗一輪之後

00:22:41.493 --> 00:22:43.094
佢哋同意刊登我嘅文章

00:22:43.094 --> 00:22:47.029
但我諗好多佢哋講嘅嘢都係好怪

00:22:47.029 --> 00:22:48.274
同埋有偏見

00:22:48.274 --> 00:22:54.046
佢哋覺得如果我哋去醫班窮人

00:22:54.046 --> 00:22:57.046
就係剝削梗佢哋

00:22:57.046 --> 00:22:58.667
原因係我哋會改變佢哋

00:22:58.667 --> 00:23:02.500
呢啲虛偽嘅道德情操似乎無處不在

00:23:02.500 --> 00:23:06.563
佢哋覺得抑鬱症嘅治療
藥物以至其他嘢

00:23:06.563 --> 00:23:09.332
都係人工合成嘅、唔係自然嘅

00:23:09.332 --> 00:23:12.163
而我覺得佢哋係非常之誤導

00:23:12.163 --> 00:23:15.695
人隻牙脫落係正常不過嘅事

00:23:15.695 --> 00:23:19.025
但唔會因為噉有人反對用牙膏

00:23:19.025 --> 00:23:21.073
至少我圈子裏面嘅人冇

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00:23:21.073 --> 00:23:23.315
然後有人會話

00:23:23.315 --> 00:23:25.840
抑鬱症唔係每個人都一定會經歷嘅嘢？

00:23:25.840 --> 00:23:27.581
我哋唔係進化到有抑鬱症架咩？

00:23:27.581 --> 00:23:29.488
抑鬱症唔通唔係我哋性格嘅一部分？

00:23:29.488 --> 00:23:32.234
噉我就會話，情緒係可以改嘅

00:23:32.234 --> 00:23:37.403
能夠有傷痛、恐懼、快樂、舒適

00:23:37.405 --> 00:23:39.208
以及其他唔同嘅情緒

00:23:39.208 --> 00:23:41.272
其實係非常珍貴嘅

00:23:41.272 --> 00:23:46.349
抑鬱症係由於情緒系統崩潰

00:23:46.349 --> 00:23:48.048
係壞嘅轉變

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00:23:48.048 --> 00:23:49.620
有啲人走嚟同我講︰

00:23:49.620 --> 00:23:54.478
「如果我再撐多年，
我應該會走出抑鬱症。」

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00:23:54.478 --> 00:23:56.767
我一直同佢哋講︰
「你可以走得返出嚟，

00:23:56.767 --> 00:23:59.476
但你永遠唔會再係年輕。

00:23:59.476 --> 00:24:04.026
人生短暫， 
但你成年都喺度講想放棄。

00:24:04.026 --> 00:24:05.520
諗下啦。」

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00:24:05.520 --> 00:24:08.726
英文入面關於抑鬱嘅字真係好少

00:24:08.726 --> 00:24:10.474
其他語言都係噉

00:24:10.474 --> 00:24:12.692
我哋用同一個字︰depression

00:24:12.692 --> 00:24:14.497
去形容一個細路

00:24:14.497 --> 00:24:16.399
喺佢生日嗰日遇到落雨時嘅感覺

00:24:16.399 --> 00:24:21.237
同一個字會形容一個人自殺前嘅心情

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00:24:21.237 --> 00:24:22.191
有啲人同我講︰

00:24:22.191 --> 00:24:24.296
「抑鬱係唔係平時傷心嘅延續？」

00:24:24.296 --> 00:24:29.670
我話︰「可以係延續嘅，
抑鬱係有傷心嘅延續。」

00:24:29.670 --> 00:24:31.597
打個比喻

00:24:31.597 --> 00:24:35.284
你間屋出面道圍欄有一個好細嘅鏽跡

00:24:35.284 --> 00:24:38.007
你可以磨佢然後再上漆

00:24:38.007 --> 00:24:40.654
但如果你唔理間屋一百年

00:24:40.654 --> 00:24:44.802
成個欄就會生鏽到剩返一堆橙色嘅鏽屑

00:24:44.802 --> 00:24:51.359
就係開頭小小嘅生鏽我哋要去解決

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00:24:51.739 --> 00:24:53.977
所以宜家啲人話

00:24:53.977 --> 00:24:56.708
「你食咗開心丸， 你會開心嗎？」

00:24:56.708 --> 00:24:58.174
對於我嚟講冇

00:24:58.594 --> 00:25:01.416
我唔會因為食晏而覺得傷心

00:25:01.416 --> 00:25:04.252
我唔會因為我嗰電話答錄機而傷心

00:25:04.252 --> 00:25:07.097
我唔會因為沖涼而傷心

00:25:07.097 --> 00:25:09.951
我諗我感受到更多

00:25:09.951 --> 00:25:12.381
因為我唔會冇嘢走去傷心

00:25:12.381 --> 00:25:16.728
我可以因為工作上嘅失望而傷心

00:25:16.728 --> 00:25:21.105
或者因為轉壞嘅關係，又或者全球暖化

00:25:21.114 --> 00:25:23.839
呢啲嘢都係我宜家傷心嘅

00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:26.573
然後我同自己講，噉又點？

00:25:26.573 --> 00:25:30.214
有更好生活嘅人，甚至有更嚴重抑鬱

00:25:30.214 --> 00:25:31.688
係點樣走出嚟架呢？

00:25:31.688 --> 00:25:34.485
對抗逆境個心理機制又係點架呢？

00:25:34.485 --> 00:25:39.519
我慢慢總結出否定過往有抑鬱嘅人

00:25:39.519 --> 00:25:41.517
話自己好耐以前曾經抑鬱

00:25:41.517 --> 00:25:44.634
但唔想諗返轉頭，唔再面對佢

00:25:44.634 --> 00:25:46.386
只係想過好嘅生活

00:25:46.386 --> 00:25:47.505
非常諷刺地

00:25:47.505 --> 00:25:51.043
呢啲人卻係畀佢哋擁有嘅嘢控制咗

00:25:51.043 --> 00:25:53.607
唔正視抑鬱症只會令得情況更加嚴重

00:25:53.607 --> 00:25:56.887
當你避佢，佢反而惡化

00:25:56.887 --> 00:26:04.117
表現比較好嘅人反而會
接受佢哋有抑鬱症

00:26:04.117 --> 00:26:08.228
肯面對抑鬱嘅人就會更堅強

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00:26:08.228 --> 00:26:10.003
所以 Frank Russakoff 同我講︰

00:26:10.003 --> 00:26:11.519
「如果我可以再嚟一次，

00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:13.369
我唔會揀呢條路，

00:26:13.369 --> 00:26:15.056
我反而會揀一個唔尋常嘅方式。

00:26:15.056 --> 00:26:17.130
我好感激我經歷過嘅嘢。

00:26:17.130 --> 00:26:20.940
我好開心我留過院四十次。

00:26:20.940 --> 00:26:23.543
我留院學識咗乜係愛。

00:26:23.543 --> 00:26:30.773
我同父母、醫生嘅關係
係以後都係最珍惜嘅。」

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00:26:30.773 --> 00:26:32.698
而 Maggie Robbins 話︰

00:26:32.698 --> 00:26:35.687
「我以前喺一個愛滋病嘅診所做義工。

00:26:35.687 --> 00:26:38.701
我工作嘅時候，我會唔停咁講嘢。

00:26:38.701 --> 00:26:41.734
我對著嘅人冇乜反應，

00:26:41.734 --> 00:26:45.251
所以我就覺得佢哋唔係好友善。」

00:26:45.251 --> 00:26:46.542
（笑聲）

00:26:46.542 --> 00:26:48.184
「但我之後發覺，

00:26:48.184 --> 00:26:52.471
佢哋除咗頭五分鐘嘅傾計之外，

00:26:52.471 --> 00:26:54.748
就唔想做其他嘢。

00:26:54.755 --> 00:26:57.633
好似我冇愛滋病、唔使死，

00:26:57.633 --> 00:27:02.416
但又可以接受到嗰啲人一樣，

00:27:02.416 --> 00:27:05.996
我哋嘅需求正正係我哋最大嘅本錢。

00:27:05.996 --> 00:27:11.005
我學識點樣放開我想要嘅嘢。」

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00:27:12.090 --> 00:27:16.031
重視抑鬱症唔擔保抑鬱症唔會復發

00:27:16.045 --> 00:27:22.926
但會令復發嘅心理準備
同復發本身都更容易去接受

00:27:22.926 --> 00:27:26.219
個意義唔係在於去搵抑鬱症嘅意義

00:27:26.219 --> 00:27:29.164
或者覺得自己嘅抑鬱症好有意義

00:27:29.171 --> 00:27:31.682
而係當抑鬱症再嚟嘅時候

00:27:31.682 --> 00:27:33.306
雖然好似好弊

00:27:33.306 --> 00:27:37.017
但我會從中學到嘢

00:27:37.547 --> 00:27:41.791
由以前嘅抑鬱學到情緒可以有幾大

00:27:41.791 --> 00:27:44.861
而又點樣可以比事實更加真實

00:27:44.861 --> 00:27:50.720
經歷過之後，令我情緒正面嘅時候

00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:54.222
我識得更加集中同投入咁感受正面情緒

00:27:54.222 --> 00:27:59.149
抑鬱症嘅相反唔係快樂，係活力

00:27:59.149 --> 00:28:02.044
而這些日子我的生命充滿活力,

00:28:02.044 --> 00:28:04.882
就算傷心嘅時候都係

00:28:04.882 --> 00:28:08.076
我腦入面感受到嗰場葬禮

00:28:08.076 --> 00:28:12.093
我同一個巨人坐喺世界嘅邊緣

00:28:12.093 --> 00:28:16.172
我發現自己內心嘅一啲嘢

00:28:16.173 --> 00:28:18.306
以前我要呼喚內心

00:28:18.306 --> 00:28:19.992
但直到廿年前嘅一日

00:28:19.992 --> 00:28:21.742
地獄好似派咗使者嚟

00:28:21.742 --> 00:28:23.592
之後我明白到所有嘢

00:28:23.592 --> 00:28:25.930
我唔使再呼喚自己

00:28:28.470 --> 00:28:33.018
當我唔鐘意抑鬱、唔想再抑鬱嘅時候

00:28:33.018 --> 00:28:35.756
我搵到一個愛上抑鬱症嘅方法

00:28:35.756 --> 00:28:40.551
我愛佢係因為佢令我去尋同埋堅持快樂

00:28:40.551 --> 00:28:44.038
我愛佢因為我決定每日…

00:28:44.038 --> 00:28:45.578
有時因為玩

00:28:45.578 --> 00:28:48.276
有時因為喺嗰刻特登唱反調

00:28:48.276 --> 00:28:50.854
去擁抱生存嘅理由

00:28:50.854 --> 00:28:54.977
呢樣嘢可喜可賀，亦係一份榮譽

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00:28:54.977 --> 00:28:56.110
多謝

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00:28:56.110 --> 00:29:02.256
（掌聲）