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In my past life as a soccer coach,

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once you won a national championship,

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everyone wants to come play for you.

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Really not true.

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Once you paid them
$ 25,000 a year in scholarships,

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everybody wants 
to come play for you.

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And parents would always
come to me and they'd say:

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"Okay, my son or my daughter
wants to come play at your university,

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what is it that we have to do?

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You know, what are you looking for?"

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And being the Socratic
professor that I am,

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I say, well, what does
your son or daughter do?

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What do they do really well
that we'd be interested in?

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And typically their answers are,
well, they've got great vision.

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They're really good.

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They can see the entire field.

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Or, my daughter is the fastest player,
there's nobody that can beat her.

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Or, my son's got a great left-footer.

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Really great in the air
and can hit every ball.

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I'm like: "Yeah, not bad;

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but to be quite honest with you,

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those are the last things
I'm looking for.

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The most important thing?

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Self-confidence."

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Without that skill, and I use
the word skill intentionally,

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without that skill, we are
useless as a soccer player.

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Because when you lose sight
or belief in yourself,

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we're done for.

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I use the definition 
of self-confidence

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to be the ability or the belief

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to believe in yourself,
to accomplish any task,

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no matter the odds,
no matter the difficulty,

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no matter the adversity.

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The belief that you can
accomplished it, self-confidence.

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Some of you are saying,
"Great, I don't have it. I'm so shy.

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I'll never do that, bla, bla, bla."

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And you start to drag
all the way down here.

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But, I use the word skill

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because

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I believe it can be trained.

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And I'll show you a couple
of ways in which we do.

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Hopefully I won't run out of time.

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I don't use any slides

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because my speech always goes
here, or here, or here.

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So we'll see which way we get to.

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The easiest way
to build self-confidence:

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there's no magic button.

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I can't say: "Hey, this plane
is going down,

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who can fly?

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Put your hand up."

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"I can, I'm confident!"

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(Laughter)

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Repetition, repetition, repetition.

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Right?

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What does Malcom Gladwell call it,
the 10,000-hour rule?

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There's no magic button.

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I recruited a goalie from Colombia,
South America one year.

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Big, tall 6'3" man.

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You know, he had hands like stone.

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I thought he was like Flipper.

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Everytime I threw him the ball,
down, onto the ground.

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I was like, oh my god,
we're in trouble.

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Simple solution: get to the wall,

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kick a ball against
the wall and catch it.

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kick the ball against
the wall and catch it.

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His goal was 350 a day
for eight months.

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He came back,
his hands were calloused,

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the moisture on his hands
were literally gone,

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he is now playing in Europe.

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Magic? No.

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Repetition, repetition, repetition.

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The problem is, we expect
to be self-confident

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but we can't be unless the skill,

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or the task we're doing,

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is not novel, is not new to us.

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We want to be in a situation

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where we have so
much pressure in that

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and what I mean, cause
pressure builds diamonds,

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we want to be in a situation where

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"hey, I've done this
a thousand times".

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I did my speech,

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and I practiced in front of a mirror:
bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla.

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Hey I'm sounding good.

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And then I went
in front of my kids, and my wife.

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I said, oh gosh, 
I got a little nervous.

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Then I'd get in front of Glenn Gould,

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Oh my goodness,
I am a little more nervous!

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By the time I get to the ACG,

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where 2,500 people,
can't say anymore, right?

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Twenty-five hundred people,

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where twenty-five hundred
people are there,

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I won't have a single
ounce of nervousness

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because of my ability to practice.

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Right?

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Over, and over, and over, again.

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The problem with repetition is:

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how many of us bail
after the first bit of failure?

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How many of us bail after
the first bit of adversity?

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Edison was on that video,

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and it depends who you ask,

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there's anywhere from 1,000

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to 10,000 tries
to build that light bulb.

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1,000 to 10,000.

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J.K Rowling should be on that video.

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Do you know how many publishers
she took her Harry Potter book to?

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I believe the number was 12 or 13...

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I am pretty confident but
after two or three noes

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I'd be like: "damn it!".

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After six or seven, 
I'm like: "maybe not!"

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Definitely after nine or ten

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I'd be looking to be a soccer coach

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or something else besides an author.

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(Laughter)

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Right?

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I mean, twelve times somebody said no.

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But, practice, practice, practice,
and do not accept failure.

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Maybe it shouldn't be repetition,

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maybe the answer 
should be persistence.

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Because we all repeat something but
very few of us really will persist.

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So that's one way 
to build self-confidence.

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Get out there.

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Do what you want to do
and do not accept no.

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The other one is self-talk.

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We all have a self-talk tape
that plays in our head.

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Anybody go shopping and
put on a pair of pants this week?

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If you're a woman,

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the first thing that always comes:

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"damn I look fat in these pants!."

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And if you're a man,
it's the opposite:

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"Oh god, I got no muscle,
I'm so flabby!"

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Right? We all have this tape
that plays in our head.

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As a student,
if they asked me the question,

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it was like: "Oh, gee please professor
don't pick me, I don't know the answer."

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I'd look down.

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Right?

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If you're in the b...when I,
let me tell you something,

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and the VP of business adminis.
here, I shouldn't repeat this,

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but when they hired me
as an Athletics director,

139
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I sat in an architect's meeting,

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and I am as dumb as a post

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when it comes to anything to do
with numbers and angles.

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And they are like:

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the fundibulator valve

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of the architectural, uh,

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what do you think doctor Joseph?

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Uh, let me look into that for you
and get back to you.

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(Laughter)

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Right?

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I was in a, oh god god, please don't
ask me, please don't ask me.

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We all have this negative
self-talk that goes in our head.

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Guess what?

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There's enough people that 
are telling us we can't do it.

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That we're not good enough.

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Why do we want to tell ourselves that?

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We know for a fact that
thoughts influence actions.

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We saw it there with the video
Sheldon, Dr. Levy showed.

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We know that our
thoughts influence actions,

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why do we want to say that
negative self-talk to ourselves?

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We need to get 
our own self-affirmations.

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Muhammad Ali, what was
his self-affirmation?

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I am the greatest!

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Who else is going to tell you?

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There need to be quiet
moments in your bedroom,

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quiet moments when
you're brushing your teeth.

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That we need to reaffirm:

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"I am the captain of my ship
and the master of my fate!"

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That is my affirmation.

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I came from a school
of one thousand people,

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I lived in a town of one thousand
people for fifteen years;

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there's no reason that I should be
in charge of an Athletics department,

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building maple leaf gardens.

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But I am the captain of my ship
and the master of my fate.

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If I don't say it, 
if I don't believe it,

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no one else will.

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How do you build self-confidence?

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Get away from the people
who will tear you down.

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There's enough of that.

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Muhammad Ali, I am the greatest!
There is no one better than me.

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There's a difference between
hubris, and ego, and false pride.

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It's just reminding yourself
in quiet silent moments,

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I put it down on a list,

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it's right beside my mirror,

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right?

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about all the things that
make me who I am.

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Because I make enough mistakes,

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and the newspapers will recognize it,

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and people around me
will recognize it;

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and they'll tear me down,

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and pretty soon 
I'll begin to believe it.

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There was a time when
my confidence was really low.

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There was a time when I took this job

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when I came from Iowa,

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I don't know if I could do it.

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I had to bring out
my self-confidence letter.

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A letter I wrote to myself
when I was feeling good.

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Ivan, congratulations on
getting your PhD before 40.

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00:07:36,132 --> 00:07:40,584
Congra...I am 40, under.

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(Laughter)

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Congratulations on winning
a national championship.

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Good job on raising three good kids
and marrying the right woman.

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I wrote a letter to myself,

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00:07:49,938 --> 00:07:51,787
it was my own brag sheet.

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My own letter about
the things I was proud of.

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Because there are moments,

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and we'll all experience them
in our career, in our lives,

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00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:02,507
in our job hunting, 
in our relationships;

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00:08:02,507 --> 00:08:04,517
when we are not feeling good about

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00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:06,160
who, and what, and where we are.

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And I had to bring out that letter
and read it time and time again,

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for a period of about two weeks,
to weather me through that storm.

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It was important.

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Stop the self-talk,
the negative self-talk.

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00:08:19,789 --> 00:08:22,930
If you watch you'll see some athletes
that have a little bandage,

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or a little brand around them.

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00:08:25,288 --> 00:08:27,051
Lance Armstrong is a perfect one.

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What's his self-affirmation?

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00:08:29,289 --> 00:08:32,875
Livestrong isn't a brand,
it was to remind him of who he was.

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Live strong.
Then it became a brand.

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He would move that from
one arm to the next arm,

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when doubt and fear
came into his mind.

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Live strong, put it on there, let's go.

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We'll all have it, we place it.

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Two ways to build self-confidence.

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I'm worried about my time

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00:08:50,961 --> 00:08:52,296
I'm gonna tell you of one way

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you can build
self-confidence in others.

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We are coaches and educators,

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we are teachers, we are people

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who will create value in the world;

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and in doing that, we are critical
by the nature of what we do.

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I am a coach, 
I want you to score a goal.

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The ball went over high.
"Dang it!" The ball went high!

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"Thank you coach, I know that.
Feedback tells me that."

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00:09:12,058 --> 00:09:13,013
So what do we do?

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I need you to put your elbow here,

236
00:09:15,098 --> 00:09:16,369
I need you to put
your knee over the ball,

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I need you to follow through.

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Boom. Land. Great.

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Notice, I never made it
as a professional.

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(Laughter)

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What can we do?

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We fix mistakes.

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When I'm fixing that mistake:

244
00:09:26,211 --> 00:09:27,282
"Johnny, this is terrible,

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00:09:27,308 --> 00:09:29,631
you need to bend your knee,
you need to do this, this."

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00:09:29,631 --> 00:09:32,675
What have I done to Johnny's
self-confidence?

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00:09:32,675 --> 00:09:35,011
Bend your knee,
then do this, then do this.

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00:09:35,011 --> 00:09:37,695
Next thing you know, 
Johnny's crushed.

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Ignore what Johnny does wrong

250
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:43,560
and find Bob or Sally 
or Freda over here.

251
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:47,110
Great goal Freda, I love how
you kept your knee low,

252
00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:50,122
you followed through,
and you landed like this.

253
00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:51,740
Great job!

254
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:52,950
Johnny: "Oh?"

255
00:09:52,950 --> 00:09:55,767
Great! Johnny's not demoralized.

256
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:57,404
His confidence isn't shot,

257
00:09:57,404 --> 00:10:00,334
and what I've done is,
I've built up Freda's.

258
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:03,903
Imagine how we could change
the way we parented kids.

259
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:04,434
Instead of:

260
00:10:04,460 --> 00:10:06,560
"get that glass off the counter,
what's wrong with you?"

261
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:07,717
(Laughter)

262
00:10:07,717 --> 00:10:09,888
If we catch the mother, good.

263
00:10:09,888 --> 00:10:12,144
Great job! Great job.

264
00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:14,400
Thank you Alice for taking
your glass to the counter.

265
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,658
It sounds simple but
we forget about it.

266
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,537
Or as educators,
or as somebody as a team,

267
00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:20,934
if we manage to praise

268
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,300
the positive behaviour that
we wanted to reinforce.

269
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,493
We forget it.
It sounds so simple.

270
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:29,139
Catch them when they're good.

271
00:10:29,139 --> 00:10:31,689
We forget it. It's simple.

272
00:10:31,689 --> 00:10:32,414
Here's what they did.

273
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:33,952
There was a study
in Kansas that did this.

274
00:10:33,952 --> 00:10:35,744
They did video, and we all do video.

275
00:10:35,744 --> 00:10:38,500
And we show the video of them
doing the run of the play:

276
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,792
"Um, this goal happened because
the basket wasn't protected,

277
00:10:41,792 --> 00:10:43,127
we didn't rotate here, right?

278
00:10:43,127 --> 00:10:45,597
We needed to do this
and then cover the slot."

279
00:10:45,597 --> 00:10:48,030
And, if that's the baseline,

280
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:51,179
improvement of the Kansas
State team went like this.

281
00:10:51,811 --> 00:10:54,387
Then, they said they ignored all of that

282
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,539
and they just showed them
the times they did it right.

283
00:10:57,539 --> 00:10:59,318
The times they did it perfect.

284
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:01,497
That presented no goals,
spoke to the same points,

285
00:11:01,497 --> 00:11:04,785
improvement went like that.

286
00:11:04,785 --> 00:11:07,516
It changed and revolutionized
the way we as coaches

287
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:09,418
interact with our student athletes.

288
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,612
We can apply that to the business world,

289
00:11:11,612 --> 00:11:13,532
we can apply that
to our student group works,

290
00:11:13,532 --> 00:11:15,280
we can apply that
to our management teams.

291
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:19,620
Easily: catch them when they are good.

292
00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:21,606
Last and certainly not least.

293
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:24,158
My son is really good at this.

294
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:26,849
Self-confident people interpret feedback

295
00:11:26,849 --> 00:11:29,636
the way they choose to.

296
00:11:29,636 --> 00:11:33,538
I ask my son who is
by the far a terrible, terrible athlete,

297
00:11:33,538 --> 00:11:34,462
gets it from his dad.

298
00:11:34,462 --> 00:11:35,796
(Laughter)

299
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:36,990
The game's...

300
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:37,975
How's the game?

301
00:11:37,975 --> 00:11:41,003
Oh great! I scored three goals,
I got two assists.

302
00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:43,606
I'm like: "I did not see him 
touch the puck!"

303
00:11:43,606 --> 00:11:46,191
But he has his own perception

304
00:11:46,191 --> 00:11:48,010
of how he did!

305
00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:49,267
(Laughter)

306
00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:50,563
I love it!

307
00:11:50,563 --> 00:11:51,459
(Laughter)

308
00:11:51,459 --> 00:11:53,727
Right? I'm the...I'm that guy!

309
00:11:53,727 --> 00:11:55,405
I'm like: "I remember when I was taking

310
00:11:55,405 --> 00:11:58,122
when I met my wife, 
it was in the commons.

311
00:11:58,122 --> 00:12:00,254
"Paulie, would you like 
to go to the movies?

312
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:02,003
Ladies? Tingly, tingly, tingle."

313
00:12:02,003 --> 00:12:03,868
(Laughter)

314
00:12:04,798 --> 00:12:07,384
And she goes: "Ah, no."

315
00:12:08,804 --> 00:12:10,079
I asked her again.

316
00:12:10,079 --> 00:12:12,361
Cause I think that she just
hasn't seen me in the right light.

317
00:12:12,361 --> 00:12:13,387
(Laughter)

318
00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:15,096
Maybe, that's not the wrong shirt on.

319
00:12:15,096 --> 00:12:15,589
Right?

320
00:12:15,589 --> 00:12:18,603
Cause I'm interpreting that
the way I want to interpret it.

321
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:20,684
Finally I asked her out again.

322
00:12:20,684 --> 00:12:23,732
She gave me this one comment, right?
Or, she sent it to her friend.

323
00:12:23,732 --> 00:12:25,015
Cause that's the way 
you did it back then.

324
00:12:25,015 --> 00:12:27,261
"She wouldn't date you unless

325
00:12:27,261 --> 00:12:28,991
there was the last person on Earth,

326
00:12:28,991 --> 00:12:30,314
hell was freezing over,

327
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:32,990
there was a small chance
we had to save the planet Earth.

328
00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:34,689
Some people, it's like, 
there's no chance.

329
00:12:34,689 --> 00:12:36,676
I'm like: "You're saying
there's a chance."

330
00:12:36,676 --> 00:12:38,023
(Laughter)

331
00:12:38,023 --> 00:12:39,492
Right?

332
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:42,425
Because that's how 
I'm gonna interpret it.

333
00:12:42,425 --> 00:12:45,610
If I could give you
one thing to take from this,

334
00:12:45,610 --> 00:12:48,145
it is: no one will believe in you

335
00:12:48,145 --> 00:12:49,520
unless you do.

336
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,312
Listen to the words of that video,

337
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,325
here's to the crazy ones,

338
00:12:53,325 --> 00:12:55,645
the misfits, the rebels,

339
00:12:55,645 --> 00:12:57,366
the troublemakers,

340
00:12:57,366 --> 00:13:00,462
the round pegs in the square holes.

341
00:13:00,462 --> 00:13:03,028
We're supposed to be different, folks.

342
00:13:03,028 --> 00:13:05,269
And when people look at us,

343
00:13:05,269 --> 00:13:07,330
believe in yourself.

344
00:13:07,330 --> 00:13:08,247
Thank you.

345
00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:12,247
(Applause)