OPENING SEQUENCE (NOTHING)

Welcome to China's very own knockoff talk show, Da Peng DeBeDe.

I'm now Da Peng sans opening sequence.

I'm sorry. I lost face for Chinese people. I'm really very sorry.

I'm known to have a round face. Known as a host with a big face.

This time I really lost my big face in a big way!

Even the guy who sells breakfast crepes (think hotdogs) downstairs knows me now

Everyone probably knows what happened.

My first girlfriend just sent me a text

Says she regrets dumping me all those years ago

Because she saw me on an American TV show

Aiya, I'm 'International' now!

First let us take a look at the newest episode of the American talk show

Conan's (KeNan) Tonight Show [Not Leno]

(No Translation Needed)

Err...here on behalf of the production crew I want to apologize to Mr. Conan and his team

Really too 'sorry' for this thing

Stop stop stop

Can't dance any more

Now we're copying Korean pop

China has an old saying: "If you don't fight you don't get to know each other"

I guess this counts as me having a heart to heart with an international super star

I would ask Gu Da Bai [a well known translator of English shows] to help me translate

Our program will immediately stop using this opening sequence

And sincerely apologize to my American colleague

But I'm guessing after this apology I'll have to apologize again

Because on today's show we're still going to talk smack about you

Actually this thing came as quite a shock to me as well

Yesterday a friend sent me a SMS saying KeNan has his eyes on me

I got really scared because people say wherever Kenan (a Japanese anime detective) goes people die

Then I found out it wasn't Japan's Kenan but America's Kenan

Then I studiously watched his show

Aside from wanting to express my regret to you, sir

I also want to discuss some of the content of your show with you

First, that naked dude picture that you put up

Have to say his coolness pales in comparison to Zhang Chao Yang

And judging by his looks he's obviously Korean

It's said that when two sides do battle one tries to minimize collateral damage

By doing this you might have hurt the [naked] Korean dude's feelings

He might think you're making fun of him and that's not cool

After all I'm all Chinese and I'm afraid people will think I'm like Jeremy Lin

And think I'm a quarter Korean

Also, Sister Phoenix is still in the States [looking for a husband]

You can't put me on TV and make me look bad [in her eyes]

Then you said my show is 'weird'

Although my English is not too good I can't say I agree.

I just know 'One Two Three Four Five Six'

But when I looked up 'weird' I realized it was not a good word

You describe us this way because you don't understand Chinese

American humor is not the only type of humor in this world

Also some netizens saw your show and asked why he just called our show 'DaPeng'

And didn't say the show's entire name

I guess it's because our show's name is too hard to pronounce

Since we're having an exchange here today

So why don't you repeat after me and try to say the whole name

Da Peng De Ba De

De Ba De [Colloquial term for random chatter]. Follow me

De Ba De

No no no not 'Dao Bi Dao' or 'Der Bi Der'

Various Chinese celebrities trying to pronounce 'De Ba De' correctly

China has an old saying

Disaster and fortune usually go hand in hand. Things always have two sides.

For so many years Americans have been trying to export your culture and values to the world

You might be very happy to know China has millions of netizens watching your shows and are influenced by your humor

On the other hand [after you have influenced us so much] you are always saying [of our stuff] 'Oh bullshit this is all ripped off'

From this perspective I feel we're a bit nicer

China has bought so much of your national debt

But in this show we never make fun of you running around borrowing money from everyone

Also, the captions you put up. Really doesn't even make it to the elementary school second grade level of Chinese.

Even the meaning doesn't make any sense

You should do this. Look! Look!

Of course, in order to show our respects to Conan's production crew

From now our our actor who plays the [Chinese style] zombie

His show name will be changed to Mu He Chun En [the caption Conan used]

But now that he has a show name the other sideshow characters will want their own too!

You're lucky on that show these guys didn't come out

Otherwise how would you be able to rip us off? Right?

If you try to compete with China on who has more people you'll lose for sure

Come on, try doing this!

Actually, misunderstandings all arise from lack of mutual knowledge

I can tell you're very interested in China

Brother Conan. Welcome to China!