1 00:00:00,349 --> 00:00:07,178 OPENING SEQUENCE (NOTHING) 2 00:00:12,122 --> 00:00:17,509 Welcome to China's very own knockoff talk show, Da Peng DeBeDe. 3 00:00:17,602 --> 00:00:20,288 I'm now Da Peng sans opening sequence. 4 00:00:20,426 --> 00:00:23,314 I'm sorry. I lost face for Chinese people. I'm really very sorry. 5 00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:26,600 I'm known to have a round face. Known as a host with a big face. 6 00:00:26,925 --> 00:00:29,538 This time I really lost my big face in a big way! 7 00:00:29,903 --> 00:00:32,825 Even the guy who sells breakfast crepes (think hotdogs) downstairs knows me now 8 00:00:33,248 --> 00:00:35,740 Everyone probably knows what happened. 9 00:00:35,978 --> 00:00:38,055 My first girlfriend just sent me a text 10 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,194 Says she regrets dumping me all those years ago 11 00:00:40,194 --> 00:00:42,708 Because she saw me on an American TV show 12 00:00:44,186 --> 00:00:46,202 Aiya, I'm 'International' now! 13 00:00:46,445 --> 00:00:49,357 First let us take a look at the newest episode of the American talk show 14 00:00:49,457 --> 00:00:51,888 Conan's (KeNan) Tonight Show [Not Leno] 15 00:00:52,235 --> 00:00:54,143 (No Translation Needed) 16 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:11,923 Err...here on behalf of the production crew I want to apologize to Mr. Conan and his team 17 00:03:11,923 --> 00:03:14,052 Really too 'sorry' for this thing 18 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,880 Stop stop stop 19 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,000 Can't dance any more 20 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,040 Now we're copying Korean pop 21 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,360 China has an old saying: "If you don't fight you don't get to know each other" 22 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,960 I guess this counts as me having a heart to heart with an international super star 23 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,600 I would ask Gu Da Bai [a well known translator of English shows] to help me translate 24 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:38,000 Our program will immediately stop using this opening sequence 25 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:42,160 And sincerely apologize to my American colleague 26 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,920 But I'm guessing after this apology I'll have to apologize again 27 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,120 Because on today's show we're still going to talk smack about you 28 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,680 Actually this thing came as quite a shock to me as well 29 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,400 Yesterday a friend sent me a SMS saying KeNan has his eyes on me 30 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:59,280 I got really scared because people say wherever Kenan (a Japanese anime detective) goes people die 31 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,200 Then I found out it wasn't Japan's Kenan but America's Kenan 32 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,400 Then I studiously watched his show 33 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,360 Aside from wanting to express my regret to you, sir 34 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,680 I also want to discuss some of the content of your show with you 35 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:17,640 First, that naked dude picture that you put up 36 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,800 Have to say his coolness pales in comparison to Zhang Chao Yang 37 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,560 And judging by his looks he's obviously Korean 38 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,640 It's said that when two sides do battle one tries to minimize collateral damage 39 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,440 By doing this you might have hurt the [naked] Korean dude's feelings 40 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,960 He might think you're making fun of him and that's not cool 41 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,120 After all I'm all Chinese and I'm afraid people will think I'm like Jeremy Lin 42 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:40,120 And think I'm a quarter Korean 43 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:44,320 Also, Sister Phoenix is still in the States [looking for a husband] 44 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,280 You can't put me on TV and make me look bad [in her eyes] 45 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:51,800 Then you said my show is 'weird' 46 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,240 Although my English is not too good I can't say I agree. 47 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,400 I just know 'One Two Three Four Five Six' 48 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,720 But when I looked up 'weird' I realized it was not a good word 49 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,920 You describe us this way because you don't understand Chinese 50 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,160 American humor is not the only type of humor in this world 51 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:13,000 Also some netizens saw your show and asked why he just called our show 'DaPeng' 52 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,320 And didn't say the show's entire name 53 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,320 I guess it's because our show's name is too hard to pronounce 54 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,000 Since we're having an exchange here today 55 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,320 So why don't you repeat after me and try to say the whole name 56 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,000 Da Peng De Ba De 57 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,800 De Ba De [Colloquial term for random chatter]. Follow me 58 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,720 De Ba De 59 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,778 No no no not 'Dao Bi Dao' or 'Der Bi Der' 60 00:05:34,843 --> 00:05:42,543 Various Chinese celebrities trying to pronounce 'De Ba De' correctly 61 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,960 China has an old saying 62 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,520 Disaster and fortune usually go hand in hand. Things always have two sides. 63 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:54,000 For so many years Americans have been trying to export your culture and values to the world 64 00:05:54,000 --> 00:06:01,080 You might be very happy to know China has millions of netizens watching your shows and are influenced by your humor 65 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:06,960 On the other hand [after you have influenced us so much] you are always saying [of our stuff] 'Oh bullshit this is all ripped off' 66 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,360 From this perspective I feel we're a bit nicer 67 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:13,080 China has bought so much of your national debt 68 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,840 But in this show we never make fun of you running around borrowing money from everyone 69 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:22,880 Also, the captions you put up. Really doesn't even make it to the elementary school second grade level of Chinese. 70 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,440 Even the meaning doesn't make any sense 71 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:28,105 You should do this. Look! Look! 72 00:06:28,105 --> 00:06:32,040 Of course, in order to show our respects to Conan's production crew 73 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,320 From now our our actor who plays the [Chinese style] zombie 74 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:39,880 His show name will be changed to Mu He Chun En [the caption Conan used] 75 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:46,280 But now that he has a show name the other sideshow characters will want their own too! 76 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,442 You're lucky on that show these guys didn't come out 77 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,582 Otherwise how would you be able to rip us off? Right? 78 00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:53,683 If you try to compete with China on who has more people you'll lose for sure 79 00:06:53,683 --> 00:06:55,480 Come on, try doing this! 80 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,800 Actually, misunderstandings all arise from lack of mutual knowledge 81 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,880 I can tell you're very interested in China 82 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:05,231 Brother Conan. Welcome to China!