0:00:01.084,0:00:02.794
Like many of us,

0:00:02.818,0:00:05.190
I've had several careers in my life,

0:00:05.214,0:00:07.365
and although they've been varied,

0:00:07.389,0:00:11.276
my first job set the foundation[br]for all of them.

0:00:11.300,0:00:15.313
I was a home-birth midwife[br]throughout my 20s.

0:00:15.623,0:00:20.747
Delivering babies taught me[br]valuable and sometimes surprising things,

0:00:20.771,0:00:23.541
like how to start a car at 2am.

0:00:23.565,0:00:25.363
when it's 10 degrees below zero.

0:00:25.387,0:00:26.388
(Laughter)

0:00:26.412,0:00:30.747
Or how to revive a father[br]who's fainted at the sight of blood.

0:00:30.771,0:00:31.822
(Laughter)

0:00:31.846,0:00:34.292
Or how to cut the umbilical cord just so,

0:00:34.316,0:00:36.537
to make a beautiful belly button.

0:00:36.561,0:00:40.346
But those aren't the things[br]that stuck with me or guided me

0:00:40.370,0:00:44.354
when I stopped being a midwife[br]and started other jobs.

0:00:44.378,0:00:48.471
What stuck with me was this bedrock belief

0:00:48.495,0:00:53.507
that each one of us comes into this world[br]with a unique worth.

0:00:54.282,0:00:57.653
When I looked into the face of a newborn,

0:00:58.192,0:01:01.885
I caught a glimpse of that worthiness,

0:01:01.909,0:01:04.751
that sense of unapologetic selfhood,

0:01:04.775,0:01:06.951
that unique spark.

0:01:08.586,0:01:12.343
I use the word "soul"[br]to describe that spark,

0:01:12.367,0:01:17.006
because it's the only word in English[br]that comes close to naming

0:01:17.030,0:01:19.742
what each baby brought into the room.

0:01:20.623,0:01:25.291
Every newborn was as singular[br]as a snowflake,

0:01:25.315,0:01:28.686
a matchless mash-up of biology

0:01:28.710,0:01:31.374
and ancestry and mystery.

0:01:31.914,0:01:34.031
And then that baby grows up,

0:01:34.055,0:01:36.170
and in order to fit into the family,

0:01:36.194,0:01:38.235
to conform to the culture,

0:01:38.259,0:01:40.529
to the community, to the gender,

0:01:41.174,0:01:44.116
that little one begins to cover its soul,

0:01:44.140,0:01:45.654
layer by layer.

0:01:46.197,0:01:47.911
We're born this way,

0:01:48.405,0:01:49.563
but --

0:01:49.587,0:01:51.179
(Laughter)

0:01:51.203,0:01:54.192
But as we grow, a lot[br]of things happen to us

0:01:54.640,0:01:56.050
that make us ...

0:01:57.815,0:02:02.959
want to hide our soulful[br]eccentricities and authenticity.

0:02:02.983,0:02:04.350
We've all done this.

0:02:04.374,0:02:07.213
Everyone in this room is a former baby --

0:02:07.237,0:02:08.259
(Laughter)

0:02:08.283,0:02:10.768
with a distinctive birthright.

0:02:11.560,0:02:16.776
But as adults, we spend so much[br]of our time uncomfortable in our own skin,

0:02:16.800,0:02:20.778
like we have ADD:[br]authenticity deficit disorder.

0:02:21.449,0:02:23.057
But not those babies --

0:02:23.081,0:02:24.323
not yet.

0:02:24.347,0:02:26.125
Their message to me was:

0:02:26.453,0:02:28.704
uncover your soul

0:02:28.728,0:02:31.921
and look for that soul-spark

0:02:31.945,0:02:33.155
in everyone else.

0:02:33.179,0:02:34.402
It's still there.

0:02:35.172,0:02:37.934
And here's what I learned[br]from laboring women.

0:02:38.414,0:02:41.414
Their message was about staying open,

0:02:41.438,0:02:43.665
even when things are painful.

0:02:44.584,0:02:47.012
A woman's cervix normally looks like this.

0:02:47.036,0:02:49.186
It's a tight little muscle

0:02:49.210,0:02:50.837
at the base of the uterus.

0:02:51.243,0:02:54.628
And during labor,[br]it has to stretch from this

0:02:55.576,0:02:56.958
to this.

0:02:56.982,0:02:58.245
Ouch!

0:02:58.269,0:03:00.875
If you fight against that pain,

0:03:01.343,0:03:03.027
you just create more pain,

0:03:03.051,0:03:05.807
and you block what wants to be born.

0:03:06.482,0:03:10.320
I'll never forget the magic[br]that would happen

0:03:10.344,0:03:12.987
when a woman stopped resisting the pain

0:03:14.185,0:03:15.472
and opened.

0:03:15.496,0:03:18.663
It was as if the forces[br]of the universe took notice

0:03:19.211,0:03:21.306
and sent in a wave of help.

0:03:21.973,0:03:23.895
I never forgot that message,

0:03:23.919,0:03:27.939
and now, when difficult[br]or painful things happen to me

0:03:27.963,0:03:29.502
in my life or my work,

0:03:29.909,0:03:32.537
of course at first I resist them,

0:03:32.561,0:03:35.785
but then I remember[br]what I learned from the mothers:

0:03:35.809,0:03:37.142
stay open.

0:03:37.508,0:03:38.937
Stay curious.

0:03:38.961,0:03:41.666
Ask the pain what it's come to deliver.

0:03:42.017,0:03:44.475
Something new wants to be born.

0:03:45.311,0:03:47.609
And there was one more big soulful lesson,

0:03:47.633,0:03:50.427
and that one I learned[br]from Albert Einstein.

0:03:50.769,0:03:52.725
He wasn't at any of the births, but --

0:03:52.749,0:03:53.781
(Laughter)

0:03:53.805,0:03:56.447
It was a lesson about time.

0:03:57.732,0:04:01.885
At the end of his life,[br]Albert Einstein concluded

0:04:01.909,0:04:06.059
that our normal, hamster-wheel[br]experience of life

0:04:06.083,0:04:07.430
is an illusion.

0:04:07.843,0:04:10.236
We run round and round, faster and faster,

0:04:10.260,0:04:11.883
trying to get somewhere.

0:04:12.455,0:04:14.439
And all the while,

0:04:15.218,0:04:18.647
underneath surface time[br]is this whole other dimension

0:04:19.288,0:04:23.987
where the past and the present[br]and the future merge

0:04:24.367,0:04:26.940
and become deep time.

0:04:27.414,0:04:30.109
And there's nowhere to get to.

0:04:30.716,0:04:35.065
Albert Einstein called[br]this state, this dimension,

0:04:35.089,0:04:36.750
"only being."

0:04:36.774,0:04:38.730
And he said when he experienced it,

0:04:38.754,0:04:41.061
he knew sacred awe.

0:04:41.818,0:04:43.467
When I was delivering babies,

0:04:43.491,0:04:45.386
I was forced off the hamster wheel.

0:04:45.410,0:04:49.189
Sometimes I had to sit for days,[br]hours and hours,

0:04:49.213,0:04:51.799
just breathing with the parents;

0:04:51.823,0:04:53.159
just being.

0:04:53.659,0:04:56.615
And I got a big dose of sacred awe.

0:04:57.156,0:05:01.810
So those are the three lessons[br]I took with me from midwifery.

0:05:02.253,0:05:04.698
One: uncover your soul.

0:05:05.376,0:05:11.544
Two: when things get difficult[br]or painful, try to stay open.

0:05:11.568,0:05:15.501
And three: every now and then,[br]step off your hamster wheel

0:05:15.928,0:05:17.550
into deep time.

0:05:18.946,0:05:22.133
Those lessons have served me[br]throughout my life,

0:05:22.855,0:05:25.314
but they really served me recently,

0:05:25.338,0:05:29.926
when I took on the most[br]important job of my life thus far.

0:05:30.572,0:05:34.938
Two years ago, my younger sister[br]came out of remission

0:05:34.962,0:05:37.321
from a rare blood cancer,

0:05:37.719,0:05:42.042
and the only treatment left for her[br]was a bone marrow transplant.

0:05:42.708,0:05:45.797
And against the odds,[br]we found a match for her,

0:05:45.821,0:05:47.731
who turned out to be me.

0:05:48.794,0:05:51.573
I come from a family of four girls,

0:05:52.075,0:05:58.488
and when my sisters found out that[br]I was my sister's perfect genetic match,

0:05:58.512,0:06:00.842
their reaction was, "Really? You?"

0:06:00.866,0:06:02.249
(Laughter)

0:06:02.273,0:06:04.429
"A perfect match for her?"

0:06:04.453,0:06:06.983
Which is pretty typical for siblings.

0:06:07.488,0:06:10.197
In a sibling society,[br]there's lots of things.

0:06:10.221,0:06:14.418
There's love and there's friendship[br]and there's protection.

0:06:14.442,0:06:16.098
But there's also jealousy

0:06:16.603,0:06:17.887
and competition

0:06:18.600,0:06:21.033
and rejection and attack.

0:06:21.867,0:06:27.805
In siblinghood, that's where we start[br]assembling many of those first layers

0:06:27.829,0:06:29.316
that cover our soul.

0:06:30.106,0:06:33.109
When I discovered I was my sister's match,

0:06:33.133,0:06:34.850
I went into research mode.

0:06:35.194,0:06:36.784
And I discovered that

0:06:38.028,0:06:40.762
the premise of transplants[br]is pretty straightforward.

0:06:40.786,0:06:44.046
You destroy all the bone marrow[br]in the cancer patient

0:06:44.070,0:06:46.806
with massive doses of chemotherapy,

0:06:47.293,0:06:49.703
and then you replace that marrow

0:06:49.727,0:06:53.567
with several million healthy[br]marrow cells from a donor.

0:06:53.937,0:06:55.743
And then you do everything you can

0:06:55.767,0:07:00.052
to make sure that those new cells[br]engraft in the patient.

0:07:00.076,0:07:04.974
I also learned that bone marrow[br]transplants are fraught with danger.

0:07:05.468,0:07:10.308
If my sister made it[br]through the near-lethal chemotherapy,

0:07:10.734,0:07:13.918
she still would face other challenges.

0:07:13.942,0:07:16.252
My cells

0:07:16.863,0:07:19.370
might attack her body.

0:07:19.843,0:07:22.822
And her body might reject my cells.

0:07:22.846,0:07:25.291
They call this rejection or attack,

0:07:25.315,0:07:26.941
and both could kill her.

0:07:27.583,0:07:29.575
Rejection. Attack.

0:07:30.091,0:07:32.282
Those words had a familiar ring

0:07:32.306,0:07:34.779
in the context of being siblings.

0:07:35.843,0:07:38.652
My sister and I had[br]a long history of love,

0:07:38.676,0:07:41.968
but we also had a long history[br]of rejection and attack,

0:07:42.487,0:07:46.484
from minor misunderstandings[br]to bigger betrayals.

0:07:47.172,0:07:49.306
We didn't have[br]the kind of the relationship

0:07:49.330,0:07:51.455
where we talked about the deeper stuff;

0:07:51.887,0:07:56.567
but, like many siblings and like people[br]in all kinds of relationships,

0:07:56.987,0:07:59.941
we were hesitant to tell our truths,

0:07:59.965,0:08:02.843
to reveal our wounds,

0:08:02.867,0:08:04.718
to admit our wrongdoings.

0:08:05.180,0:08:10.071
But when I learned about[br]the dangers of rejection or attack,

0:08:10.095,0:08:12.399
I thought, it's time to change this.

0:08:13.073,0:08:17.889
What if we left the bone marrow[br]transplant up to the doctors,

0:08:17.913,0:08:23.722
but did something that we later came[br]to call our "soul marrow transplant?"

0:08:24.205,0:08:28.191
What if we faced any pain[br]we had caused each other,

0:08:28.215,0:08:30.922
and instead of rejection or attack,

0:08:31.454,0:08:32.770
could we listen?

0:08:33.272,0:08:34.698
Could we forgive?

0:08:35.116,0:08:36.556
Could we merge?

0:08:36.580,0:08:40.051
Would that teach our cells to do the same?

0:08:41.431,0:08:46.244
To woo my skeptical sister,[br]I turned to my parents' holy text:

0:08:46.268,0:08:47.869
the New Yorker Magazine.

0:08:47.893,0:08:49.809
(Laughter)

0:08:49.833,0:08:53.404
I sent her a cartoon from its pages

0:08:53.428,0:08:57.053
as a way of explaining[br]why we should visit a therapist

0:08:57.077,0:09:02.443
before having my bone marrow harvested[br]and transplanted into her body.

0:09:02.467,0:09:03.712
Here it is.

0:09:03.736,0:09:07.850
"I have never forgiven him for that thing[br]I made up in my head."

0:09:07.874,0:09:10.281
(Laughter)

0:09:10.305,0:09:12.251
I told my sister

0:09:12.950,0:09:15.787
we had probably been doing the same thing,

0:09:15.811,0:09:21.531
carting around made-up stories[br]in our heads that kept us separate.

0:09:22.184,0:09:25.076
And I told her that after the transplant,

0:09:25.100,0:09:27.694
all of the blood flowing in her veins

0:09:27.718,0:09:29.199
would be my blood,

0:09:29.223,0:09:31.643
made from my marrow cells,

0:09:32.301,0:09:36.530
and that inside the nucleus[br]of each of those cells

0:09:36.554,0:09:38.820
is a complete set of my DNA.

0:09:39.351,0:09:42.731
"I will be swimming around in you[br]for the rest of your life,"

0:09:42.755,0:09:45.514
I told my slightly horrified sister.

0:09:45.538,0:09:47.718
(Laughter)

0:09:47.742,0:09:50.830
"I think we better clean up[br]our relationship."

0:09:52.168,0:09:55.488
A health crisis makes people[br]do all sorts of risky things,

0:09:55.512,0:09:59.053
like quitting a job[br]or jumping out of an airplane

0:09:59.603,0:10:01.594
and, in the case of my sister,

0:10:01.618,0:10:05.352
saying "yes" to several therapy sessions,

0:10:05.723,0:10:09.414
during which we got down to the marrow.

0:10:11.588,0:10:15.981
We looked at and released years of stories

0:10:16.005,0:10:18.086
and assumptions about each other

0:10:18.110,0:10:20.188
and blame and shame

0:10:20.212,0:10:23.750
until all that was left was love.

0:10:26.175,0:10:30.363
People have said I was brave[br]to undergo the bone marrow harvest,

0:10:30.387,0:10:31.657
but I don't think so.

0:10:32.100,0:10:34.190
What felt brave to me

0:10:34.214,0:10:37.399
was that other kind[br]of harvest and transplant,

0:10:37.423,0:10:39.319
the soul marrow transplant,

0:10:39.772,0:10:43.750
getting emotionally naked[br]with another human being,

0:10:43.774,0:10:47.243
putting aside pride and defensiveness,

0:10:47.267,0:10:48.903
lifting the layers

0:10:49.559,0:10:53.650
and sharing with each other[br]our vulnerable souls.

0:10:54.416,0:10:57.215
I called on those midwife lessons:

0:10:57.239,0:10:58.865
uncover your soul.

0:10:59.963,0:11:02.604
Open to what's scary and painful.

0:11:02.628,0:11:04.484
Look for the sacred awe.

0:11:05.872,0:11:09.137
Here I am with my marrow cells[br]after the harvest.

0:11:09.161,0:11:11.061
That's they call it -- "harvest,"

0:11:11.085,0:11:14.285
like it's some kind of bucolic[br]farm-to-table event --

0:11:14.309,0:11:15.467
(Laughter)

0:11:15.491,0:11:17.983
Which I can assure you it is not.

0:11:19.522,0:11:22.857
And here is my brave, brave sister

0:11:22.881,0:11:24.577
receiving my cells.

0:11:25.768,0:11:29.706
After the transplant, we began to spend[br]more and more time together.

0:11:30.289,0:11:32.568
It was as if we were little girls again.

0:11:33.537,0:11:36.505
The past and the present merged.

0:11:36.529,0:11:38.735
We entered deep time.

0:11:39.331,0:11:43.607
I left the hamster wheel of work and life

0:11:43.631,0:11:45.293
to join my sister

0:11:45.992,0:11:47.989
on that lonely island

0:11:48.444,0:11:50.220
of illness and healing.

0:11:50.948,0:11:52.791
We spent months together --

0:11:52.815,0:11:54.577
in the isolation unit,

0:11:54.601,0:11:56.959
in the hospital and in her home.

0:11:58.411,0:12:00.100
Our fast-paced society

0:12:00.124,0:12:05.284
does not support or even value[br]this kind of work.

0:12:05.308,0:12:08.941
We see it as a disruption[br]of real life and important work.

0:12:09.426,0:12:13.654
We worry about the emotional drain[br]and the financial cost --

0:12:13.678,0:12:17.253
and, yes, there is a financial cost.

0:12:17.277,0:12:18.951
But I was paid

0:12:19.590,0:12:24.457
in the kind of currency our culture[br]seems to have forgotten all about.

0:12:25.132,0:12:27.271
I was paid in love.

0:12:27.629,0:12:29.374
I was paid in soul.

0:12:29.398,0:12:31.568
I was paid in my sister.

0:12:32.792,0:12:37.984
My sister said the year after transplant[br]was the best year of her life,

0:12:38.008,0:12:39.257
which was surprising.

0:12:39.281,0:12:41.729
She suffered so much.

0:12:42.364,0:12:45.596
But she said life never tasted as sweet,

0:12:46.004,0:12:48.748
and that because of the soul-baring

0:12:48.772,0:12:51.318
and the truth-telling[br]we had done with each other,

0:12:51.721,0:12:55.537
she became more unapologetically herself

0:12:55.561,0:12:56.952
with everyone.

0:12:56.976,0:12:59.944
She said things[br]she'd always needed to say.

0:12:59.968,0:13:02.756
She did things she always wanted to do.

0:13:03.263,0:13:05.222
The same happened for me.

0:13:05.246,0:13:10.595
I became braver about being authentic[br]with the people in my life.

0:13:11.917,0:13:13.610
I said my truths,

0:13:13.634,0:13:18.229
but more important than that,[br]I sought the truth of others.

0:13:19.713,0:13:23.097
It wasn't until[br]the final chapter of this story

0:13:23.121,0:13:26.570
that I realized just how well[br]midwifery had trained me.

0:13:27.214,0:13:30.129
After that best year of my sister's life,

0:13:30.153,0:13:32.154
the cancer came roaring back,

0:13:32.702,0:13:35.974
and this time there was nothing more[br]the doctors could do.

0:13:35.998,0:13:38.664
They gave her just[br]a couple of months to live.

0:13:40.196,0:13:42.573
The night before my sister died,

0:13:43.163,0:13:45.871
I sat by her bedside.

0:13:45.895,0:13:48.178
She was so small and thin.

0:13:48.766,0:13:51.289
I could see the blood pulsing in her neck.

0:13:51.869,0:13:55.414
It was my blood, her blood, our blood.

0:13:56.462,0:13:59.314
When she died, part of me would die, too.

0:14:00.687,0:14:05.359
I tried to make sense of it all,

0:14:05.383,0:14:07.513
how becoming one with each other

0:14:08.008,0:14:10.017
had made us more ourselves,

0:14:10.041,0:14:11.548
our soul selves,

0:14:12.249,0:14:17.442
and how by facing and opening[br]to the pain of our past,

0:14:17.466,0:14:19.965
we'd finally been delivered to each other,

0:14:20.651,0:14:22.901
and how by stepping out of time,

0:14:22.925,0:14:25.333
we would now be connected forever.

0:14:26.980,0:14:29.910
My sister left me with so many things,

0:14:30.365,0:14:33.085
and I'm going to leave you now[br]with just one of them.

0:14:33.565,0:14:37.795
You don't have to wait[br]for a life-or-death situation

0:14:38.497,0:14:41.616
to clean up the relationships[br]that matter to you,

0:14:41.640,0:14:44.263
to offer the marrow of your soul

0:14:45.157,0:14:47.345
and to seek it in another.

0:14:48.297,0:14:50.215
We can all do this.

0:14:50.239,0:14:55.082
We can be like a new kind[br]of first responder,

0:14:55.106,0:14:59.309
like the one to take[br]the first courageous step

0:14:59.906,0:15:01.658
toward the other,

0:15:01.682,0:15:04.927
and to do something or try to do something

0:15:04.951,0:15:08.073
other than rejection or attack.

0:15:08.545,0:15:10.711
We can do this with our siblings

0:15:10.735,0:15:12.137
and our mates

0:15:12.161,0:15:14.417
and our friends and our colleagues.

0:15:14.441,0:15:17.069
We can do this with the disconnection

0:15:17.093,0:15:19.843
and the discord all around us.

0:15:20.410,0:15:24.076
We can do this for the soul of the world.

0:15:24.629,0:15:25.820
Thank you.

0:15:25.844,0:15:31.840
(Applause)