WEBVTT 00:00:01.323 --> 00:00:03.417 When I was six years old, 00:00:03.441 --> 00:00:05.016 our house caught fire, 00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:06.444 and my mother died. 00:00:07.109 --> 00:00:09.404 It was a cold February night in Michigan. 00:00:09.428 --> 00:00:11.344 Our chimney had recently been fixed, 00:00:11.368 --> 00:00:14.196 so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace. 00:00:14.220 --> 00:00:16.803 My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog 00:00:16.827 --> 00:00:19.807 and coloring with a brand-new box of colored pencils, 00:00:19.831 --> 00:00:21.812 when Mom said it was time for bed. 00:00:21.836 --> 00:00:23.696 We'd planned to go up north that night 00:00:23.720 --> 00:00:25.973 for a weekend of snowmobiling and sledding, 00:00:25.997 --> 00:00:28.166 but it was already dark and snowing outside, 00:00:28.190 --> 00:00:30.780 so we decided to leave the next morning instead. 00:00:31.309 --> 00:00:34.466 We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, climbed into bed, 00:00:34.490 --> 00:00:36.574 my sister's room right next to the stairs, 00:00:36.598 --> 00:00:38.466 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 00:00:38.958 --> 00:00:41.415 Our parents tucked us in and kissed us good night 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:43.656 then left the door open just a crack, 00:00:43.680 --> 00:00:46.276 and the hallway light on, as it always was. 00:00:46.827 --> 00:00:50.194 In the middle of the night, I woke up sweating, 00:00:50.218 --> 00:00:53.107 confused because I couldn't see that hallway light. 00:00:53.131 --> 00:00:54.734 I started shouting for my parents 00:00:54.758 --> 00:00:58.055 until finally, I heard words that I'll never forget: 00:00:58.079 --> 00:00:59.892 "Dave, it's a fire!" NOTE Paragraph 00:01:00.354 --> 00:01:02.951 We later found out that our fire from earlier 00:01:02.975 --> 00:01:06.081 had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney, 00:01:06.105 --> 00:01:08.114 causing the fireplace doors to explode 00:01:08.138 --> 00:01:10.309 and fire to just pour into the living room. 00:01:10.865 --> 00:01:14.272 I remember my mom running down to my sister's room, 00:01:14.296 --> 00:01:15.891 frantically searching for her 00:01:15.915 --> 00:01:18.007 and finally finding her on the floor. 00:01:18.564 --> 00:01:20.842 I crawled after her on my hands and knees, 00:01:20.866 --> 00:01:22.758 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 00:01:23.520 --> 00:01:26.308 I remember standing next to my sister's room, 00:01:26.332 --> 00:01:28.686 trying to turn on that hallway light, 00:01:28.710 --> 00:01:30.464 but it was already on; 00:01:30.488 --> 00:01:33.471 I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick. 00:01:34.891 --> 00:01:37.963 I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin 00:01:37.987 --> 00:01:41.059 and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:43.827 --> 00:01:46.802 My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route, 00:01:46.826 --> 00:01:49.696 but it was February, and it was frozen shut. 00:01:50.257 --> 00:01:53.598 Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open, 00:01:53.622 --> 00:01:56.991 his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts. 00:01:57.853 --> 00:02:00.805 He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window 00:02:00.829 --> 00:02:02.522 and told us to shout for help. 00:02:03.061 --> 00:02:04.461 Not seeing my mom, 00:02:04.485 --> 00:02:07.514 he considered going back into the fire to find her, 00:02:07.538 --> 00:02:11.299 but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof 00:02:11.323 --> 00:02:14.199 and knowing that neither of them may make it out, 00:02:14.223 --> 00:02:16.091 he stayed with us, 00:02:16.115 --> 00:02:18.500 calling her name through the window instead. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:21.295 After a few minutes, 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.787 a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire, 00:02:24.811 --> 00:02:26.120 drove onto our lawn, 00:02:26.144 --> 00:02:27.737 climbed onto the roof of his car 00:02:27.761 --> 00:02:30.201 and told us to jump into his arms. 00:02:30.225 --> 00:02:31.629 We'd never seen him before, 00:02:31.653 --> 00:02:33.353 and even though he saved our lives, 00:02:33.377 --> 00:02:34.842 we never saw him again. 00:02:35.269 --> 00:02:37.289 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 00:02:37.313 --> 00:02:40.337 while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom, 00:02:40.361 --> 00:02:42.980 reaching his arms and hands through the window 00:02:43.004 --> 00:02:44.393 and into the fire, 00:02:44.417 --> 00:02:47.468 calling her name over and over. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:48.797 --> 00:02:51.349 He said later that when the fire department arrived, 00:02:51.373 --> 00:02:54.797 they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered 00:02:54.821 --> 00:02:56.611 and burst into flames. 00:02:56.635 --> 00:02:59.526 It took the fire department longer to find my mom. 00:02:59.550 --> 00:03:03.406 She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time, 00:03:03.430 --> 00:03:06.152 pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg. 00:03:06.707 --> 00:03:09.364 We think she went back to look for our dog, 00:03:09.388 --> 00:03:12.988 but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late. 00:03:13.012 --> 00:03:15.030 She died on the way to the hospital. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:17.455 --> 00:03:19.318 Dad was in critical condition, 00:03:19.342 --> 00:03:23.168 with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body. 00:03:23.533 --> 00:03:25.498 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 00:03:25.522 --> 00:03:27.594 unable to attend Mom's funeral 00:03:27.618 --> 00:03:31.523 and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries. 00:03:32.269 --> 00:03:35.298 My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street, 00:03:35.322 --> 00:03:38.809 but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours, 00:03:38.833 --> 00:03:41.552 just staring at the remains of our burnt home. 00:03:42.194 --> 00:03:43.885 After a few days, it became evident 00:03:43.909 --> 00:03:47.259 that we would need to go and stay with some different family friends. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:48.643 --> 00:03:50.941 The next few years were tough. 00:03:51.321 --> 00:03:53.365 As a single father of two young girls, 00:03:53.389 --> 00:03:55.364 Dad did his very best to provide for us 00:03:55.388 --> 00:03:58.706 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 00:03:59.722 --> 00:04:02.749 We began to move on in this new reality. 00:04:02.773 --> 00:04:06.117 Dad bought a new house down the street, without a fireplace, 00:04:06.141 --> 00:04:07.603 and eventually remarried. 00:04:08.006 --> 00:04:10.102 My sister and I excelled in school. 00:04:10.126 --> 00:04:11.285 I was a cheerleader, 00:04:11.309 --> 00:04:13.694 and she rode horses and played in the band. 00:04:14.122 --> 00:04:18.007 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me. 00:04:19.286 --> 00:04:20.778 I would dream of fire, 00:04:20.802 --> 00:04:23.616 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 00:04:23.640 --> 00:04:25.907 I remember, and even now I can feel, 00:04:25.931 --> 00:04:28.747 the sheer panic and the pressure in my chest. 00:04:29.453 --> 00:04:33.726 Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it, 00:04:33.750 --> 00:04:35.857 trying to save the people inside. 00:04:37.284 --> 00:04:40.314 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 00:04:40.338 --> 00:04:43.085 tears running down my face and sobbing. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:46.719 --> 00:04:48.572 When I was 15, 00:04:48.596 --> 00:04:50.692 a friend of mine and a very talented artist, 00:04:50.716 --> 00:04:53.207 painted two abstract portraits for me. 00:04:53.231 --> 00:04:54.741 One was done in black and white 00:04:54.765 --> 00:04:58.129 and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room, 00:04:58.153 --> 00:05:00.076 shadows surrounding her. 00:05:00.100 --> 00:05:02.566 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 00:05:02.590 --> 00:05:04.512 the girl was in the center of the page, 00:05:04.536 --> 00:05:06.370 arms open and outstretched, 00:05:06.394 --> 00:05:08.928 clearly full of joy and happiness. 00:05:09.570 --> 00:05:11.402 He knew my past, 00:05:11.426 --> 00:05:14.428 and he knew that I was conflicted and confused, 00:05:14.452 --> 00:05:16.261 but he had also seen my potential 00:05:16.285 --> 00:05:18.700 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 00:05:19.300 --> 00:05:22.310 After a few years, I realized that these two portraits 00:05:22.334 --> 00:05:25.377 showed two completely different paths before me: 00:05:25.401 --> 00:05:26.604 a life of fear 00:05:26.628 --> 00:05:29.457 or the promise and potential for recovery. 00:05:30.041 --> 00:05:33.090 I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting, 00:05:33.114 --> 00:05:35.302 but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me 00:05:35.326 --> 00:05:39.819 or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness. 00:05:40.433 --> 00:05:42.593 So outwardly, I moved on with life -- 00:05:42.617 --> 00:05:45.056 graduated high school, went to college -- 00:05:45.080 --> 00:05:46.786 while inwardly, 00:05:46.810 --> 00:05:49.915 I continued to bounce between the highest of highs 00:05:49.939 --> 00:05:51.674 and the lowest of lows, 00:05:51.698 --> 00:05:54.534 like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:56.006 --> 00:06:00.018 In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend. 00:06:00.042 --> 00:06:02.383 We spent our first week on the island of Roatán, 00:06:02.407 --> 00:06:03.787 off the coast of Honduras. 00:06:03.811 --> 00:06:06.148 After a few days there, my friend and I realized 00:06:06.172 --> 00:06:09.578 that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer. 00:06:09.993 --> 00:06:12.676 Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before, 00:06:12.700 --> 00:06:15.346 so one night, we decided to go see a show. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:16.948 --> 00:06:20.244 We watched, mesmerized, 00:06:20.268 --> 00:06:23.902 as he and two friends lit these props on fire, 00:06:23.926 --> 00:06:25.097 threw them in the air 00:06:25.121 --> 00:06:27.326 and spun them around their bodies. 00:06:29.463 --> 00:06:32.566 Their moves were deliberate and controlled, 00:06:32.590 --> 00:06:36.109 yet still graceful and flowing to the music. 00:06:38.784 --> 00:06:41.111 I was completely entranced. 00:06:41.523 --> 00:06:44.932 The next day, he offered to teach us how to fire dance, or "spin" -- 00:06:44.956 --> 00:06:46.620 without fire, of course. 00:06:46.644 --> 00:06:48.951 He showed us the difference between a fire staff, 00:06:48.975 --> 00:06:52.754 which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, 00:06:52.778 --> 00:06:56.856 and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops. 00:06:58.042 --> 00:07:00.516 After that first time spinning poi, 00:07:00.540 --> 00:07:04.285 I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning 00:07:04.309 --> 00:07:07.337 in the hopes that maybe one day, 00:07:07.361 --> 00:07:10.968 I might be brave enough to try it with fire. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:14.249 Now, I can guess what people might be thinking: 00:07:14.273 --> 00:07:17.657 How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction? 00:07:18.039 --> 00:07:20.355 And honestly, I don't know. 00:07:20.797 --> 00:07:24.445 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano 00:07:24.469 --> 00:07:25.780 while growing up, 00:07:25.804 --> 00:07:28.920 these activities were very structured and prescribed, 00:07:28.944 --> 00:07:32.689 whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation 00:07:32.713 --> 00:07:34.467 but with a focus on fire, 00:07:34.491 --> 00:07:37.800 this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:38.543 --> 00:07:40.229 After that first time practicing, 00:07:40.253 --> 00:07:43.151 my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi 00:07:43.175 --> 00:07:45.894 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 00:07:45.918 --> 00:07:48.319 We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire, 00:07:48.343 --> 00:07:50.426 we just used it for the practice part. 00:07:50.450 --> 00:07:52.310 But after returning home to Michigan, 00:07:52.334 --> 00:07:55.887 we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi. 00:07:55.911 --> 00:07:57.443 And after a few months, 00:07:57.467 --> 00:08:00.263 we decided that we were ready to light them on fire. 00:08:00.908 --> 00:08:03.396 We bundled up in cotton layers, 00:08:03.420 --> 00:08:04.986 got a fire extinguisher, 00:08:05.010 --> 00:08:06.405 wet a towel for safety, 00:08:06.429 --> 00:08:07.810 prepared our fuel, 00:08:07.834 --> 00:08:11.691 gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five 00:08:11.715 --> 00:08:13.974 and lit those poi on fire. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:15.684 --> 00:08:18.482 It was terrifying. 00:08:19.101 --> 00:08:21.286 Half of my brain was freaking out 00:08:21.310 --> 00:08:24.358 and thinking, "OK, wait -- maybe we need to think about this. 00:08:24.382 --> 00:08:26.291 We should probably stop." 00:08:26.315 --> 00:08:28.790 The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head 00:08:28.814 --> 00:08:29.991 was incredibly loud 00:08:30.015 --> 00:08:32.277 and brought me right back to my childhood. 00:08:32.939 --> 00:08:35.565 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 00:08:37.617 --> 00:08:41.240 The other half of my brain, the creative half, was thinking, 00:08:41.264 --> 00:08:44.690 "I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer." NOTE Paragraph 00:08:45.601 --> 00:08:46.983 For anyone who spins, 00:08:47.007 --> 00:08:48.455 there's a level of adrenaline 00:08:48.479 --> 00:08:50.925 or that rush of fire dancing. 00:08:50.949 --> 00:08:54.501 But as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire, 00:08:54.525 --> 00:08:57.817 I also felt an immense sense of empowerment 00:08:57.841 --> 00:09:01.402 at being able to control and manipulate fire. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:02.456 --> 00:09:05.585 I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief. 00:09:06.356 --> 00:09:07.927 It was not easy. 00:09:07.951 --> 00:09:11.190 There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad," 00:09:11.214 --> 00:09:12.795 and that was exactly it. 00:09:12.819 --> 00:09:15.040 I was in control of my sadness. 00:09:15.064 --> 00:09:18.083 I knew what it would bring to me, and I knew what to expect, 00:09:18.107 --> 00:09:20.288 but I also knew deep down that eventually, 00:09:20.312 --> 00:09:24.532 I had to do that really hard work of trying to heal from my past. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:25.268 --> 00:09:27.594 So I kept practicing. 00:09:27.618 --> 00:09:30.633 I took a plastic grocery bag, cut it into strips, 00:09:30.657 --> 00:09:32.368 tied it to the ends of those poi 00:09:32.392 --> 00:09:36.542 and used it to replicate the sound of the fire as it went past my head. 00:09:36.980 --> 00:09:38.941 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:42.051 At some point, something shifted. 00:09:42.075 --> 00:09:44.202 My perspective on fire dancing changed 00:09:44.226 --> 00:09:46.792 from something that I was apprehensive about 00:09:46.816 --> 00:09:50.044 to something that brought me a sort of peace. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:51.818 --> 00:09:53.167 Without realizing it, 00:09:53.191 --> 00:09:56.026 I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy, 00:09:56.050 --> 00:09:57.720 an actual type of psychotherapy 00:09:57.744 --> 00:10:02.103 where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma 00:10:02.127 --> 00:10:03.589 or scare you. 00:10:03.613 --> 00:10:06.825 I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way 00:10:06.849 --> 00:10:09.981 and had transformed what it meant to me. 00:10:10.676 --> 00:10:12.162 My nightmares slowed down 00:10:12.186 --> 00:10:15.193 and now, years later, have stopped almost completely. 00:10:16.015 --> 00:10:20.341 I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances. 00:10:20.365 --> 00:10:23.951 I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai, 00:10:23.975 --> 00:10:27.602 created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer, 00:10:27.626 --> 00:10:30.387 taught children how to spin at birthday parties, 00:10:30.411 --> 00:10:32.518 performed onstage and at festivals 00:10:32.542 --> 00:10:35.642 and even taught my own children the basics of spinning. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:37.097 --> 00:10:38.247 And that's not to say 00:10:38.271 --> 00:10:41.312 that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general. 00:10:41.336 --> 00:10:43.780 I can practice a move a million times, 00:10:43.804 --> 00:10:45.413 but then when I try it with fire, 00:10:45.437 --> 00:10:48.917 I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest. 00:10:49.568 --> 00:10:52.967 I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house 00:10:52.991 --> 00:10:55.117 or having a fireplace. 00:10:55.774 --> 00:10:57.923 Every night before I go to sleep, 00:10:57.947 --> 00:11:00.886 I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors, 00:11:00.910 --> 00:11:02.061 our bedroom door 00:11:02.085 --> 00:11:03.247 and all the exit doors, 00:11:03.271 --> 00:11:04.859 in case we need to leave quickly. 00:11:04.883 --> 00:11:06.282 And it's taken me a long time 00:11:06.306 --> 00:11:09.872 to get on board with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night 00:11:09.896 --> 00:11:11.619 to slow down a fire, 00:11:11.643 --> 00:11:15.215 because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors, 00:11:15.239 --> 00:11:18.031 I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:19.104 --> 00:11:21.533 And of course, this is my story. 00:11:21.557 --> 00:11:23.665 I can't say that I have the answer 00:11:23.689 --> 00:11:26.093 for someone with a different kind of trauma. 00:11:26.117 --> 00:11:27.867 If the situation had been reversed, 00:11:27.891 --> 00:11:29.987 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 00:11:30.011 --> 00:11:32.567 I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer, 00:11:32.591 --> 00:11:35.647 or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again. 00:11:36.130 --> 00:11:38.664 But what I can say from my own experience 00:11:38.688 --> 00:11:42.255 is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship, 00:11:42.279 --> 00:11:44.591 you have a choice between two paths. 00:11:44.615 --> 00:11:49.088 One path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness, 00:11:49.112 --> 00:11:51.899 like that black-and-white painting I described earlier. 00:11:51.923 --> 00:11:54.294 You might move on with life, but at the same time, 00:11:54.318 --> 00:11:57.432 you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort. 00:11:57.915 --> 00:12:00.748 The other path, stepping out of grief, 00:12:00.772 --> 00:12:03.136 will not change or undo anything. 00:12:03.960 --> 00:12:05.442 It will be hard. 00:12:05.466 --> 00:12:07.187 It will always be hard, 00:12:07.211 --> 00:12:11.766 with high mountains and deep, dark valleys. 00:12:12.512 --> 00:12:16.134 But this path looks forward and moves forward. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:16.627 --> 00:12:18.715 When I learned to dance with fire, 00:12:18.739 --> 00:12:22.119 I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life 00:12:22.143 --> 00:12:25.682 with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding. 00:12:26.738 --> 00:12:28.929 Fire became more than just trauma 00:12:28.953 --> 00:12:30.896 but beauty and art as well, 00:12:30.920 --> 00:12:34.260 everything, all at once, just like life, 00:12:34.284 --> 00:12:36.272 flickering and smoldering 00:12:36.296 --> 00:12:38.662 and burning and dazzling, 00:12:40.193 --> 00:12:44.937 and somehow, in the middle of it, finding a way to dance ... 00:12:44.961 --> 00:12:46.225 me. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:46.249 --> 00:12:47.539 Thank you.