WEBVTT 00:00:01.323 --> 00:00:03.441 When I was six years old, 00:00:03.441 --> 00:00:05.160 our house caught fire 00:00:05.160 --> 00:00:06.444 and my mother died. 00:00:07.276 --> 00:00:09.475 It was a cold, February night in Michigan. 00:00:09.594 --> 00:00:11.533 Our chimney had recently been fixed, 00:00:11.533 --> 00:00:14.110 so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace. 00:00:14.324 --> 00:00:16.930 My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog 00:00:16.930 --> 00:00:19.887 and coloring with a brand new box of colored pencils 00:00:19.887 --> 00:00:21.571 when Mom said it was time for bed. 00:00:21.836 --> 00:00:25.076 We'd planned to go up north that night for a weekend of snowmobiling 00:00:25.076 --> 00:00:26.226 and sledding, 00:00:26.226 --> 00:00:28.344 but it was already dark and snowing outside, 00:00:28.344 --> 00:00:30.931 so we decided to leave the next morning instead. 00:00:31.357 --> 00:00:32.536 We went upstairs, 00:00:32.536 --> 00:00:33.536 brushed our teeth, 00:00:33.536 --> 00:00:34.681 climbed into bed -- 00:00:34.681 --> 00:00:36.698 my sister's room right next to the stairs 00:00:36.698 --> 00:00:38.618 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 00:00:39.077 --> 00:00:41.514 Our parents tucked us in and kissed us goodnight, 00:00:41.514 --> 00:00:43.716 then left the door open just a crack 00:00:43.716 --> 00:00:45.119 and the hallway light on, 00:00:45.119 --> 00:00:46.489 as it always was. 00:00:46.947 --> 00:00:50.218 In the middle of the night I woke up sweating, 00:00:50.218 --> 00:00:52.976 confused because I couldn't see that hallway light. 00:00:53.225 --> 00:00:54.800 I started shouting for my parents 00:00:54.800 --> 00:00:58.101 until finally I heard words that I'll never forget: 00:00:58.101 --> 00:01:00.215 "Dave, it's a fire." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:00.478 --> 00:01:03.017 We later found out that our fire from earlier 00:01:03.017 --> 00:01:06.195 had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney 00:01:06.195 --> 00:01:08.138 causing the fireplace doors to explode 00:01:08.138 --> 00:01:10.436 and fire to just pour into the living room. 00:01:10.980 --> 00:01:14.296 I remember my mom running down to my sister's room, 00:01:14.296 --> 00:01:16.055 frantically searching for her 00:01:16.055 --> 00:01:18.111 and finally finding her on the floor. 00:01:18.700 --> 00:01:20.935 I crawled after her on my hands and knees, 00:01:20.935 --> 00:01:22.998 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 00:01:23.770 --> 00:01:26.332 I remember standing next to my sister's room, 00:01:26.332 --> 00:01:28.779 trying to turn on that hallway light, 00:01:28.779 --> 00:01:30.648 but it was already on, 00:01:30.648 --> 00:01:33.803 I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick. 00:01:34.891 --> 00:01:38.233 I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin 00:01:38.233 --> 00:01:41.059 and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs. 00:01:43.827 --> 00:01:47.083 My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route, 00:01:47.083 --> 00:01:49.696 but it was February and it was frozen shut. 00:01:50.431 --> 00:01:53.725 Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open, 00:01:53.725 --> 00:01:56.990 his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts. 00:01:57.935 --> 00:02:00.829 He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window 00:02:00.829 --> 00:02:02.735 and told us to shout for help. 00:02:03.148 --> 00:02:04.711 Not seeing my mom, 00:02:04.711 --> 00:02:07.621 he considered going back into the fire to find her, 00:02:07.621 --> 00:02:11.323 but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof, 00:02:11.323 --> 00:02:14.314 and knowing that neither of them may make it out, 00:02:14.314 --> 00:02:16.224 he stayed with us, 00:02:16.224 --> 00:02:18.721 calling her name through the window instead. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:21.319 After a few minutes, 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.962 a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire, 00:02:24.962 --> 00:02:26.338 drove onto our lawn, 00:02:26.338 --> 00:02:27.920 climbed onto the roof of his car 00:02:27.920 --> 00:02:29.869 and told us to jump into his arms. 00:02:30.392 --> 00:02:31.760 We'd never seen him before, 00:02:31.760 --> 00:02:33.430 and even though he saved our lives, 00:02:33.430 --> 00:02:34.922 we never saw him again. 00:02:35.451 --> 00:02:37.452 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 00:02:37.452 --> 00:02:40.423 while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom, 00:02:40.423 --> 00:02:43.153 reaching his arms and hands through the window 00:02:43.153 --> 00:02:44.622 and into the fire, 00:02:44.622 --> 00:02:47.468 calling her name over and over. 00:02:48.797 --> 00:02:51.444 He said later that when the fire department arrived, 00:02:51.444 --> 00:02:54.807 they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered 00:02:54.807 --> 00:02:56.473 and burst into flames. 00:02:56.810 --> 00:02:59.291 It took the fire department longer to find my mom. 00:02:59.655 --> 00:03:03.430 She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time, 00:03:03.430 --> 00:03:06.394 pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg. 00:03:06.807 --> 00:03:09.552 We think she went back to look for our dog, 00:03:09.552 --> 00:03:12.821 but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late. 00:03:13.096 --> 00:03:15.030 She died on the way to the hospital. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:17.559 --> 00:03:19.491 Dad was in critical condition 00:03:19.491 --> 00:03:23.257 with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body. 00:03:23.620 --> 00:03:25.552 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 00:03:25.552 --> 00:03:27.618 unable to attend Mom's funeral 00:03:27.618 --> 00:03:31.523 and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries. 00:03:32.340 --> 00:03:35.465 My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street, 00:03:35.465 --> 00:03:38.934 but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours 00:03:38.934 --> 00:03:41.552 just staring at the remains of our burnt home. 00:03:42.424 --> 00:03:45.221 After a few days it became evident that we would need to go 00:03:45.221 --> 00:03:47.341 and stay with some different family friends. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:48.858 --> 00:03:50.842 The next few years were tough. 00:03:51.472 --> 00:03:53.539 As a single father of two young girls, 00:03:53.539 --> 00:03:55.627 Dad did his very best to provide for us 00:03:55.627 --> 00:03:58.622 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 00:03:59.763 --> 00:04:02.555 We began to move on in this new reality. 00:04:02.900 --> 00:04:04.902 Dad bought a new house down the street -- 00:04:04.902 --> 00:04:06.254 without a fireplace -- 00:04:06.254 --> 00:04:07.716 and eventually remarried. 00:04:08.141 --> 00:04:10.162 My sister and I excelled in school. 00:04:10.323 --> 00:04:11.409 I was a cheerleader 00:04:11.409 --> 00:04:13.694 and she rode horses and played in the band. 00:04:14.178 --> 00:04:17.964 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me. 00:04:19.343 --> 00:04:20.961 I would dream of fire, 00:04:20.961 --> 00:04:23.511 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 00:04:23.778 --> 00:04:27.056 I remember and even now I can feel the sheer panic 00:04:27.056 --> 00:04:28.843 and the pressure in my chest. 00:04:29.548 --> 00:04:33.980 Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it, 00:04:33.980 --> 00:04:36.087 trying to save the people inside. 00:04:37.371 --> 00:04:40.338 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 00:04:40.338 --> 00:04:42.060 tears running down my face 00:04:42.060 --> 00:04:43.530 and sobbing. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:46.880 --> 00:04:48.689 When I was 15, 00:04:48.689 --> 00:04:49.692 a friend of mine, 00:04:49.692 --> 00:04:50.976 and a very talented artist, 00:04:50.976 --> 00:04:53.163 painted two abstract portraits for me. 00:04:53.398 --> 00:04:54.892 One was done in black and white 00:04:54.892 --> 00:04:58.237 and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room, 00:04:58.237 --> 00:04:59.879 shadows surrounding her. 00:05:00.180 --> 00:05:02.746 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 00:05:02.746 --> 00:05:04.639 the girl was in the center of the page, 00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:06.449 arms open and outstretched, 00:05:06.449 --> 00:05:09.178 clearly full of joy and happiness. 00:05:09.570 --> 00:05:11.549 He knew my past 00:05:11.549 --> 00:05:14.494 and he knew that I was conflicted and confused, 00:05:14.494 --> 00:05:16.410 but he'd also seen my potential 00:05:16.410 --> 00:05:18.700 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 00:05:19.468 --> 00:05:20.474 After a few years, 00:05:20.474 --> 00:05:22.398 I realized that these two portraits 00:05:22.398 --> 00:05:25.250 showed two completely different paths before me. 00:05:25.500 --> 00:05:26.732 A life of fear 00:05:26.732 --> 00:05:29.457 or the promise and potential for recovery. 00:05:30.233 --> 00:05:33.280 I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting, 00:05:33.280 --> 00:05:35.601 but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me 00:05:35.601 --> 00:05:39.742 or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness. 00:05:40.420 --> 00:05:41.621 So outwardly, 00:05:41.621 --> 00:05:42.809 I moved on with life -- 00:05:42.809 --> 00:05:43.935 graduated high school, 00:05:43.935 --> 00:05:45.210 went to college -- 00:05:45.210 --> 00:05:46.976 while inwardly, 00:05:46.976 --> 00:05:49.939 I continued to bounce between the highest of highs 00:05:49.939 --> 00:05:51.825 and the lowest of lows, 00:05:51.825 --> 00:05:54.534 like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:56.117 --> 00:05:59.861 In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend. 00:06:00.152 --> 00:06:02.533 We spent our first weekend on the island of Roatán, 00:06:02.533 --> 00:06:03.788 off the coast of Honduras. 00:06:03.907 --> 00:06:05.052 After a few days there, 00:06:05.052 --> 00:06:06.301 my friend and I realized 00:06:06.301 --> 00:06:09.707 that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer. 00:06:10.166 --> 00:06:12.845 Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before, 00:06:12.845 --> 00:06:15.346 so one night we decided to go see a show. 00:06:17.179 --> 00:06:20.451 We watched, mesmerized, 00:06:20.451 --> 00:06:23.926 as he and two friends lit these props on fire, 00:06:23.926 --> 00:06:25.121 threw them in the air 00:06:25.121 --> 00:06:27.540 and spun them around their bodies. 00:06:29.741 --> 00:06:32.758 Their moves were deliberate and controlled 00:06:32.758 --> 00:06:36.277 yet still graceful and flowing to the music. 00:06:38.919 --> 00:06:41.132 I was completely entranced. 00:06:41.593 --> 00:06:44.286 The next day he offered to teach us how to fire dance, 00:06:44.286 --> 00:06:45.290 or spin -- 00:06:45.290 --> 00:06:46.713 without fire, of course. 00:06:46.713 --> 00:06:49.280 He showed us the difference between a fire staff 00:06:49.280 --> 00:06:52.778 which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, 00:06:52.778 --> 00:06:56.856 and fire poi which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:58.042 --> 00:07:00.600 After that first time spinning poi, 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:04.379 I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning 00:07:04.379 --> 00:07:07.361 in the hopes that maybe one day 00:07:07.361 --> 00:07:10.968 I might be brave enough to try it with fire. 00:07:11.942 --> 00:07:14.385 Now, I can guess what people might be thinking. 00:07:14.385 --> 00:07:17.622 How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction? 00:07:18.191 --> 00:07:20.398 And honestly, I don't know. 00:07:20.956 --> 00:07:24.509 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano 00:07:24.509 --> 00:07:25.871 while growing up, 00:07:25.871 --> 00:07:29.010 these activities were very structured and prescribed, 00:07:29.010 --> 00:07:32.860 whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation 00:07:32.860 --> 00:07:34.373 but with a focus on fire -- 00:07:34.373 --> 00:07:38.270 this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life. 00:07:38.663 --> 00:07:40.454 After that first time practicing, 00:07:40.454 --> 00:07:43.342 my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi 00:07:43.342 --> 00:07:45.806 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 00:07:46.053 --> 00:07:48.399 We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire, 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:50.414 we just used it for the practice part. 00:07:50.584 --> 00:07:52.365 But after returning home to Michigan, 00:07:52.365 --> 00:07:55.703 we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:56.067 --> 00:07:57.467 And after a few months, 00:07:57.467 --> 00:08:00.263 we decided that we were ready to light them on fire. 00:08:00.988 --> 00:08:03.499 We bundled up in cotton layers, 00:08:03.499 --> 00:08:05.120 got a fire extinguisher, 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:06.429 wet a towel for safety, 00:08:06.429 --> 00:08:07.834 prepared our fuel, 00:08:07.834 --> 00:08:11.893 gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five, 00:08:11.893 --> 00:08:14.140 and lit those poi on fire. 00:08:15.684 --> 00:08:18.306 It was terrifying. 00:08:19.172 --> 00:08:21.310 Half of my brain was freaking out 00:08:21.310 --> 00:08:22.983 and thinking, OK, wait, 00:08:22.983 --> 00:08:24.609 maybe we need to think about this. 00:08:24.609 --> 00:08:26.093 We should probably stop. 00:08:26.374 --> 00:08:28.923 The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head 00:08:28.923 --> 00:08:30.129 was incredibly loud 00:08:30.129 --> 00:08:32.543 and brought me right back to my childhood. 00:08:32.939 --> 00:08:35.339 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 00:08:37.665 --> 00:08:39.530 The other half of my brain, 00:08:39.530 --> 00:08:41.364 the creative half was thinking, 00:08:41.364 --> 00:08:42.855 I can't believe it; 00:08:42.855 --> 00:08:44.690 I'm a fire dancer. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:45.656 --> 00:08:47.164 For anyone who spins, 00:08:47.164 --> 00:08:48.718 there's a level of adrenaline 00:08:48.718 --> 00:08:50.949 or that rush of fire dancing, 00:08:50.949 --> 00:08:54.632 but as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire, 00:08:54.632 --> 00:08:58.048 I also felt an immense sense of empowerment 00:08:58.048 --> 00:09:01.402 at being able to control and manipulate fire. 00:09:02.584 --> 00:09:05.608 I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief. 00:09:06.404 --> 00:09:07.772 It was not easy. 00:09:08.052 --> 00:09:11.314 There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad," 00:09:11.314 --> 00:09:12.763 and that was exactly it. 00:09:12.918 --> 00:09:14.841 I was in control of my sadness. 00:09:15.096 --> 00:09:16.645 I knew what it would bring to me 00:09:16.645 --> 00:09:18.218 and I knew what to expect, 00:09:18.218 --> 00:09:19.551 but I also knew deep down 00:09:19.551 --> 00:09:22.282 that eventually I had to do that really hard work 00:09:22.282 --> 00:09:24.532 of trying to heal from my past. 00:09:25.363 --> 00:09:27.482 So I kept practicing. 00:09:27.753 --> 00:09:29.209 I took a plastic grocery bag, 00:09:29.209 --> 00:09:30.732 cut it into strips, 00:09:30.732 --> 00:09:32.471 tied it to the ends of those poi 00:09:32.471 --> 00:09:35.082 and used it to replicate the sound of the fire 00:09:35.082 --> 00:09:36.732 as it went past my head. 00:09:37.131 --> 00:09:39.511 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 00:09:39.806 --> 00:09:42.211 At some point, something shifted. 00:09:42.211 --> 00:09:44.451 My perspective on fire dancing changed 00:09:44.451 --> 00:09:47.040 from something that I was apprehensive about 00:09:47.040 --> 00:09:50.268 to something that brought me a sort of peace. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:51.866 --> 00:09:53.238 Without realizing it, 00:09:53.238 --> 00:09:56.145 I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy. 00:09:56.145 --> 00:09:57.744 An actual type of psychotherapy 00:09:57.744 --> 00:10:02.127 where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma 00:10:02.127 --> 00:10:03.536 or scare you. 00:10:03.766 --> 00:10:06.849 I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way 00:10:06.849 --> 00:10:09.981 and had transformed what it meant to me. 00:10:10.800 --> 00:10:12.354 My nightmares slowed down 00:10:12.354 --> 00:10:15.361 and now years later have stopped almost completely. 00:10:16.163 --> 00:10:20.135 I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances. 00:10:20.437 --> 00:10:24.075 I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai, 00:10:24.075 --> 00:10:27.626 created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer, 00:10:27.626 --> 00:10:30.411 taught children how to spin at birthday parties, 00:10:30.411 --> 00:10:32.585 performed onstage and at festivals 00:10:32.585 --> 00:10:35.685 and even taught my own children the basics of spinning. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:37.154 --> 00:10:38.271 And that's not to say 00:10:38.271 --> 00:10:41.069 that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general. 00:10:41.433 --> 00:10:43.830 I can practice a move a million times, 00:10:43.830 --> 00:10:45.437 but then when I try it with fire, 00:10:45.437 --> 00:10:48.774 I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest. 00:10:49.673 --> 00:10:53.072 I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house 00:10:53.072 --> 00:10:54.933 or having a fireplace. 00:10:55.774 --> 00:10:57.947 Every night before I go to sleep, 00:10:57.947 --> 00:11:00.958 I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors, 00:11:00.958 --> 00:11:01.959 our bedroom door 00:11:01.959 --> 00:11:03.140 and all the exit doors 00:11:03.140 --> 00:11:04.766 in case we need to leave quickly. 00:11:05.030 --> 00:11:07.075 And it's taken me a long time to get onboard 00:11:07.075 --> 00:11:09.896 with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night 00:11:09.896 --> 00:11:11.508 to slow down a fire, 00:11:11.508 --> 00:11:15.239 because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors, 00:11:15.239 --> 00:11:18.430 I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:19.104 --> 00:11:21.630 And of course this is my story; 00:11:21.630 --> 00:11:23.689 I can't say that I have the answer 00:11:23.689 --> 00:11:25.831 for someone with a different kind of trauma. 00:11:26.117 --> 00:11:28.081 If the situation had been reversed 00:11:28.081 --> 00:11:30.011 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 00:11:30.011 --> 00:11:32.823 I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer 00:11:32.823 --> 00:11:35.893 or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again. 00:11:36.225 --> 00:11:38.870 But what I can say from my own experience 00:11:38.870 --> 00:11:42.345 is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship, 00:11:42.345 --> 00:11:44.682 you have a choice between two paths: 00:11:44.682 --> 00:11:49.190 one path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness 00:11:49.190 --> 00:11:51.794 like that black-and-white painting I described earlier. 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:53.408 You might move on with life, 00:11:53.408 --> 00:11:57.527 but at the same time you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort. 00:11:57.927 --> 00:11:58.993 The other path -- 00:11:58.993 --> 00:12:00.855 stepping out of grief -- 00:12:00.855 --> 00:12:03.147 will not change or undo anything. 00:12:04.008 --> 00:12:05.354 It will be hard. 00:12:05.621 --> 00:12:07.365 It will always be hard, 00:12:07.365 --> 00:12:12.536 with high mountains and deep, dark valleys, 00:12:12.536 --> 00:12:16.286 but this path looks forward and moves forward. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:16.858 --> 00:12:18.832 When I learned to dance with fire, 00:12:18.832 --> 00:12:22.235 I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life 00:12:22.235 --> 00:12:25.620 with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding. 00:12:26.821 --> 00:12:29.149 Fire became more than just trauma 00:12:29.149 --> 00:12:31.188 but beauty and art as well: 00:12:31.188 --> 00:12:32.670 everything, all at once, 00:12:32.670 --> 00:12:34.179 just like life, 00:12:34.179 --> 00:12:36.365 flickering and smoldering 00:12:36.365 --> 00:12:38.662 and burning and dazzling. 00:12:40.305 --> 00:12:43.345 And somehow in the middle of it, 00:12:43.345 --> 00:12:44.985 finding a way to dance ... 00:12:44.985 --> 00:12:46.098 me. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:46.448 --> 00:12:47.738 Thank you.