0:00:01.323,0:00:03.441 When I was six years old, 0:00:03.441,0:00:05.160 our house caught fire 0:00:05.160,0:00:06.444 and my mother died. 0:00:07.276,0:00:09.475 It was a cold, February night in Michigan. 0:00:09.594,0:00:11.533 Our chimney had recently been fixed, 0:00:11.533,0:00:14.110 so we had a warm fire[br]going in the fireplace. 0:00:14.324,0:00:16.930 My younger sister and I[br]were sitting next to our dog 0:00:16.930,0:00:19.887 and coloring with a brand new[br]box of colored pencils 0:00:19.887,0:00:21.571 when Mom said it was time for bed. 0:00:21.836,0:00:25.076 We'd planned to go up north that night[br]for a weekend of snowmobiling 0:00:25.076,0:00:26.226 and sledding, 0:00:26.226,0:00:28.344 but it was already dark[br]and snowing outside, 0:00:28.344,0:00:30.931 so we decided to leave[br]the next morning instead. 0:00:31.357,0:00:32.536 We went upstairs, 0:00:32.536,0:00:33.536 brushed our teeth, 0:00:33.536,0:00:34.681 climbed into bed -- 0:00:34.681,0:00:36.698 my sister's room right next to the stairs 0:00:36.698,0:00:38.618 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 0:00:39.077,0:00:41.514 Our parents tucked us in[br]and kissed us goodnight, 0:00:41.514,0:00:43.716 then left the door open just a crack 0:00:43.716,0:00:45.119 and the hallway light on, 0:00:45.119,0:00:46.489 as it always was. 0:00:46.947,0:00:50.218 In the middle of the night[br]I woke up sweating, 0:00:50.218,0:00:52.976 confused because I couldn't[br]see that hallway light. 0:00:53.225,0:00:54.800 I started shouting for my parents 0:00:54.800,0:00:58.101 until finally I heard words[br]that I'll never forget: 0:00:58.101,0:01:00.215 "Dave, it's a fire." 0:01:00.478,0:01:03.017 We later found out[br]that our fire from earlier 0:01:03.017,0:01:06.195 had burned through an unrepaired[br]crack in the chimney 0:01:06.195,0:01:08.138 causing the fireplace doors to explode 0:01:08.138,0:01:10.436 and fire to just pour[br]into the living room. 0:01:10.980,0:01:14.296 I remember my mom[br]running down to my sister's room, 0:01:14.296,0:01:16.055 frantically searching for her 0:01:16.055,0:01:18.111 and finally finding her on the floor. 0:01:18.700,0:01:20.935 I crawled after her on my hands and knees, 0:01:20.935,0:01:22.998 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 0:01:23.770,0:01:26.332 I remember standing[br]next to my sister's room, 0:01:26.332,0:01:28.779 trying to turn on that hallway light, 0:01:28.779,0:01:30.648 but it was already on, 0:01:30.648,0:01:33.803 I just couldn't see it because[br]the smoke was so thick. 0:01:34.891,0:01:38.233 I remember feeling the heat[br]of the fire on my skin 0:01:38.233,0:01:41.059 and hearing the sound of it[br]as it climbed up the stairs. 0:01:43.827,0:01:47.083 My dad ran down to my bedroom window[br]as an escape route, 0:01:47.083,0:01:49.696 but it was February[br]and it was frozen shut. 0:01:50.431,0:01:53.725 Eventually, he broke the window[br]and pried it open, 0:01:53.725,0:01:56.990 his arms and hands covered[br]in glass and cuts. 0:01:57.935,0:02:00.829 He lifted my sister and me[br]onto an awning under the window 0:02:00.829,0:02:02.735 and told us to shout for help. 0:02:03.148,0:02:04.711 Not seeing my mom, 0:02:04.711,0:02:07.621 he considered going back[br]into the fire to find her, 0:02:07.621,0:02:11.323 but after looking at my sister and me[br]huddled together on that roof, 0:02:11.323,0:02:14.314 and knowing that neither of them[br]may make it out, 0:02:14.314,0:02:16.224 he stayed with us, 0:02:16.224,0:02:18.721 calling her name[br]through the window instead. 0:02:20.120,0:02:21.319 After a few minutes, 0:02:21.319,0:02:24.962 a man driving down the street[br]saw the smoke and fire, 0:02:24.962,0:02:26.338 drove onto our lawn, 0:02:26.338,0:02:27.920 climbed onto the roof of his car 0:02:27.920,0:02:29.869 and told us to jump into his arms. 0:02:30.392,0:02:31.760 We'd never seen him before, 0:02:31.760,0:02:33.430 and even though he saved our lives, 0:02:33.430,0:02:34.922 we never saw him again. 0:02:35.451,0:02:37.452 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 0:02:37.452,0:02:40.423 while Dad continued to wait[br]on the roof for my mom, 0:02:40.423,0:02:43.153 reaching his arms and hands[br]through the window 0:02:43.153,0:02:44.622 and into the fire, 0:02:44.622,0:02:47.468 calling her name over and over. 0:02:48.797,0:02:51.444 He said later that when the fire[br]department arrived, 0:02:51.444,0:02:54.807 they carried him down the ladder[br]just as a lower-level window shattered 0:02:54.807,0:02:56.473 and burst into flames. 0:02:56.810,0:02:59.291 It took the fire department[br]longer to find my mom. 0:02:59.655,0:03:03.430 She'd been on the floor[br]of my bedroom the entire time, 0:03:03.430,0:03:06.394 pinned down by a dresser[br]that had fallen on her leg. 0:03:06.807,0:03:09.552 We think she went back[br]to look for our dog, 0:03:09.552,0:03:12.821 but by the time the fire department[br]reached them it was too late. 0:03:13.096,0:03:15.030 She died on the way to the hospital. 0:03:17.559,0:03:19.491 Dad was in critical condition 0:03:19.491,0:03:23.257 with smoke inhalation and burns[br]and cuts over a third of his body. 0:03:23.620,0:03:25.552 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 0:03:25.552,0:03:27.618 unable to attend Mom's funeral 0:03:27.618,0:03:31.523 and undergoing multiple,[br]excruciating skin graft surgeries. 0:03:32.340,0:03:35.465 My sister and I stayed[br]with a neighbor across the street, 0:03:35.465,0:03:38.934 but we would sit in front[br]of their living room window for hours 0:03:38.934,0:03:41.552 just staring at the remains[br]of our burnt home. 0:03:42.424,0:03:45.221 After a few days it became evident[br]that we would need to go 0:03:45.221,0:03:47.341 and stay with some[br]different family friends. 0:03:48.858,0:03:50.842 The next few years were tough. 0:03:51.472,0:03:53.539 As a single father of two young girls, 0:03:53.539,0:03:55.627 Dad did his very best to provide for us 0:03:55.627,0:03:58.622 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 0:03:59.763,0:04:02.555 We began to move on in this new reality. 0:04:02.900,0:04:04.902 Dad bought a new house[br]down the street -- 0:04:04.902,0:04:06.254 without a fireplace -- 0:04:06.254,0:04:07.716 and eventually remarried. 0:04:08.141,0:04:10.162 My sister and I excelled in school. 0:04:10.323,0:04:11.409 I was a cheerleader 0:04:11.409,0:04:13.694 and she rode horses[br]and played in the band. 0:04:14.178,0:04:17.964 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching[br]nightmares that haunted me. 0:04:19.343,0:04:20.961 I would dream of fire, 0:04:20.961,0:04:23.511 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 0:04:23.778,0:04:27.056 I remember and even now[br]I can feel the sheer panic 0:04:27.056,0:04:28.843 and the pressure in my chest. 0:04:29.548,0:04:33.980 Or worse were the dreams where[br]I was outside the fire watching it, 0:04:33.980,0:04:36.087 trying to save the people inside. 0:04:37.371,0:04:40.338 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 0:04:40.338,0:04:42.060 tears running down my face 0:04:42.060,0:04:43.530 and sobbing. 0:04:46.880,0:04:48.689 When I was 15, 0:04:48.689,0:04:49.692 a friend of mine, 0:04:49.692,0:04:50.976 and a very talented artist, 0:04:50.976,0:04:53.163 painted two abstract portraits for me. 0:04:53.398,0:04:54.892 One was done in black and white 0:04:54.892,0:04:58.237 and depicted a scared girl[br]cowering in the corner of a room, 0:04:58.237,0:04:59.879 shadows surrounding her. 0:05:00.180,0:05:02.746 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 0:05:02.746,0:05:04.639 the girl was in the center of the page, 0:05:04.639,0:05:06.449 arms open and outstretched, 0:05:06.449,0:05:09.178 clearly full of joy and happiness. 0:05:09.570,0:05:11.549 He knew my past 0:05:11.549,0:05:14.494 and he knew that I was[br]conflicted and confused, 0:05:14.494,0:05:16.410 but he'd also seen my potential 0:05:16.410,0:05:18.700 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 0:05:19.468,0:05:20.474 After a few years, 0:05:20.474,0:05:22.398 I realized that these two portraits 0:05:22.398,0:05:25.250 showed two completely different[br]paths before me. 0:05:25.500,0:05:26.732 A life of fear 0:05:26.732,0:05:29.457 or the promise and potential for recovery. 0:05:30.233,0:05:33.280 I had always been drawn[br]to that brighter, more colorful painting, 0:05:33.280,0:05:35.601 but I wasn't quite sure[br]what it meant for me 0:05:35.601,0:05:39.742 or how to transform my current mentality[br]into that kind of joy and happiness. 0:05:40.420,0:05:41.621 So outwardly, 0:05:41.621,0:05:42.809 I moved on with life -- 0:05:42.809,0:05:43.935 graduated high school, 0:05:43.935,0:05:45.210 went to college -- 0:05:45.210,0:05:46.976 while inwardly, 0:05:46.976,0:05:49.939 I continued to bounce[br]between the highest of highs 0:05:49.939,0:05:51.825 and the lowest of lows, 0:05:51.825,0:05:54.534 like a Ping-Pong ball[br]between those two portraits. 0:05:56.117,0:05:59.861 In 2004, I went backpacking[br]through Central America with a friend. 0:06:00.152,0:06:02.533 We spent our first weekend[br]on the island of Roatán, 0:06:02.533,0:06:03.788 off the coast of Honduras. 0:06:03.907,0:06:05.052 After a few days there, 0:06:05.052,0:06:06.301 my friend and I realized 0:06:06.301,0:06:09.707 that one of our new local friends[br]was a fire dancer. 0:06:10.166,0:06:12.845 Neither of us had ever seen[br]fire dancing before, 0:06:12.845,0:06:15.346 so one night we decided to go see a show. 0:06:17.179,0:06:20.451 We watched, mesmerized, 0:06:20.451,0:06:23.926 as he and two friends lit[br]these props on fire, 0:06:23.926,0:06:25.121 threw them in the air 0:06:25.121,0:06:27.540 and spun them around their bodies. 0:06:29.741,0:06:32.758 Their moves were deliberate and controlled 0:06:32.758,0:06:36.277 yet still graceful[br]and flowing to the music. 0:06:38.919,0:06:41.132 I was completely entranced. 0:06:41.593,0:06:44.286 The next day he offered[br]to teach us how to fire dance, 0:06:44.286,0:06:45.290 or spin -- 0:06:45.290,0:06:46.713 without fire, of course. 0:06:46.713,0:06:49.280 He showed us the difference[br]between a fire staff 0:06:49.280,0:06:52.778 which is a long piece of wood[br]or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, 0:06:52.778,0:06:56.856 and fire poi which are Kevlar wicks[br]with chains and finger loops. 0:06:58.042,0:07:00.600 After that first time spinning poi, 0:07:00.600,0:07:04.379 I knew that this was a hobby[br]that I wanted to continue learning 0:07:04.379,0:07:07.361 in the hopes that maybe one day 0:07:07.361,0:07:10.968 I might be brave enough[br]to try it with fire. 0:07:11.942,0:07:14.385 Now, I can guess what[br]people might be thinking. 0:07:14.385,0:07:17.622 How was I not terrified[br]and running in the opposite direction? 0:07:18.191,0:07:20.398 And honestly, I don't know. 0:07:20.956,0:07:24.509 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader[br]and doing gymnastics and piano 0:07:24.509,0:07:25.871 while growing up, 0:07:25.871,0:07:29.010 these activities were[br]very structured and prescribed, 0:07:29.010,0:07:32.860 whereas this type of flow art[br]seemed like a form of meditation 0:07:32.860,0:07:34.373 but with a focus on fire -- 0:07:34.373,0:07:38.270 this thing that scared me[br]so deeply for my entire life. 0:07:38.663,0:07:40.454 After that first time practicing, 0:07:40.454,0:07:43.342 my friend and I cobbled together[br]our own sets of homemade poi 0:07:43.342,0:07:45.806 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 0:07:46.053,0:07:48.399 We did not light shoelaces[br]and socks on fire, 0:07:48.399,0:07:50.414 we just used it for the practice part. 0:07:50.584,0:07:52.365 But after returning home to Michigan, 0:07:52.365,0:07:55.703 we decided to buy[br]our own sets of actual fire poi. 0:07:56.067,0:07:57.467 And after a few months, 0:07:57.467,0:08:00.263 we decided that we were ready[br]to light them on fire. 0:08:00.988,0:08:03.499 We bundled up in cotton layers, 0:08:03.499,0:08:05.120 got a fire extinguisher, 0:08:05.120,0:08:06.429 wet a towel for safety, 0:08:06.429,0:08:07.834 prepared our fuel, 0:08:07.834,0:08:11.893 gave each other a very energetic[br]pep talk and high five, 0:08:11.893,0:08:14.140 and lit those poi on fire. 0:08:15.684,0:08:18.306 It was terrifying. 0:08:19.172,0:08:21.310 Half of my brain was freaking out 0:08:21.310,0:08:22.983 and thinking, OK, wait, 0:08:22.983,0:08:24.609 maybe we need to think about this. 0:08:24.609,0:08:26.093 We should probably stop. 0:08:26.374,0:08:28.923 The sound of the fire[br]as it whooshed by my head 0:08:28.923,0:08:30.129 was incredibly loud 0:08:30.129,0:08:32.543 and brought me right back to my childhood. 0:08:32.939,0:08:35.339 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 0:08:37.665,0:08:39.530 The other half of my brain, 0:08:39.530,0:08:41.364 the creative half was thinking, 0:08:41.364,0:08:42.855 I can't believe it; 0:08:42.855,0:08:44.690 I'm a fire dancer. 0:08:45.656,0:08:47.164 For anyone who spins, 0:08:47.164,0:08:48.718 there's a level of adrenaline 0:08:48.718,0:08:50.949 or that rush of fire dancing, 0:08:50.949,0:08:54.632 but as someone whose life[br]had been so greatly impacted by fire, 0:08:54.632,0:08:58.048 I also felt an immense sense[br]of empowerment 0:08:58.048,0:09:01.402 at being able to control[br]and manipulate fire. 0:09:02.584,0:09:05.608 I made a conscious decision[br]to step out of my grief. 0:09:06.404,0:09:07.772 It was not easy. 0:09:08.052,0:09:11.314 There's a Nirvana lyric that says[br]"I miss the comfort of being sad," 0:09:11.314,0:09:12.763 and that was exactly it. 0:09:12.918,0:09:14.841 I was in control of my sadness. 0:09:15.096,0:09:16.645 I knew what it would bring to me 0:09:16.645,0:09:18.218 and I knew what to expect, 0:09:18.218,0:09:19.551 but I also knew deep down 0:09:19.551,0:09:22.282 that eventually I had to do[br]that really hard work 0:09:22.282,0:09:24.532 of trying to heal from my past. 0:09:25.363,0:09:27.482 So I kept practicing. 0:09:27.753,0:09:29.209 I took a plastic grocery bag, 0:09:29.209,0:09:30.732 cut it into strips, 0:09:30.732,0:09:32.471 tied it to the ends of those poi 0:09:32.471,0:09:35.082 and used it to replicate[br]the sound of the fire 0:09:35.082,0:09:36.732 as it went past my head. 0:09:37.131,0:09:39.511 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 0:09:39.806,0:09:42.211 At some point, something shifted. 0:09:42.211,0:09:44.451 My perspective on fire dancing changed 0:09:44.451,0:09:47.040 from something that I was[br]apprehensive about 0:09:47.040,0:09:50.268 to something that brought[br]me a sort of peace. 0:09:51.866,0:09:53.238 Without realizing it, 0:09:53.238,0:09:56.145 I had initiated my own form[br]of exposure therapy. 0:09:56.145,0:09:57.744 An actual type of psychotherapy 0:09:57.744,0:10:02.127 where you deliberately expose yourself[br]to things that have caused you trauma 0:10:02.127,0:10:03.536 or scare you. 0:10:03.766,0:10:06.849 I'd exposed myself to fire[br]in this very unique way 0:10:06.849,0:10:09.981 and had transformed what it meant to me. 0:10:10.800,0:10:12.354 My nightmares slowed down 0:10:12.354,0:10:15.361 and now years later have stopped[br]almost completely. 0:10:16.163,0:10:20.135 I started fire dancing not just for myself[br]but at events and performances. 0:10:20.437,0:10:24.075 I started a fire troop with friends[br]while living in Dubai, 0:10:24.075,0:10:27.626 created beautiful art with my sister[br]who became a photographer, 0:10:27.626,0:10:30.411 taught children how to spin[br]at birthday parties, 0:10:30.411,0:10:32.585 performed onstage and at festivals 0:10:32.585,0:10:35.685 and even taught my own children[br]the basics of spinning. 0:10:37.154,0:10:38.271 And that's not to say 0:10:38.271,0:10:41.069 that I don't still have[br]an apprehension to fire in general. 0:10:41.433,0:10:43.830 I can practice a move a million times, 0:10:43.830,0:10:45.437 but then when I try it with fire, 0:10:45.437,0:10:48.774 I feel that familiar panic[br]and tightening in my chest. 0:10:49.673,0:10:53.072 I'm still apprehensive about living[br]in a two-story house 0:10:53.072,0:10:54.933 or having a fireplace. 0:10:55.774,0:10:57.947 Every night before I go to sleep, 0:10:57.947,0:11:00.958 I clear a path between[br]my kids' bedroom doors, 0:11:00.958,0:11:01.959 our bedroom door 0:11:01.959,0:11:03.140 and all the exit doors 0:11:03.140,0:11:04.766 in case we need to leave quickly. 0:11:05.030,0:11:07.075 And it's taken me[br]a long time to get onboard 0:11:07.075,0:11:09.896 with the idea of closing[br]bedroom doors at night 0:11:09.896,0:11:11.508 to slow down a fire, 0:11:11.508,0:11:15.239 because I'd always thought if I closed[br]my kids' bedroom doors, 0:11:15.239,0:11:18.430 I might not be able to hear them[br]like my mom heard me. 0:11:19.104,0:11:21.630 And of course this is my story; 0:11:21.630,0:11:23.689 I can't say that I have the answer 0:11:23.689,0:11:25.831 for someone with a different[br]kind of trauma. 0:11:26.117,0:11:28.081 If the situation had been reversed 0:11:28.081,0:11:30.011 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 0:11:30.011,0:11:32.823 I'm not sure that fire dancing[br]would be the answer 0:11:32.823,0:11:35.893 or if I'd even have the capacity[br]to get near fire again. 0:11:36.225,0:11:38.870 But what I can say from my own experience 0:11:38.870,0:11:42.345 is that after experiencing[br]a trauma or hardship, 0:11:42.345,0:11:44.682 you have a choice between two paths: 0:11:44.682,0:11:49.190 one path will lead you to a life[br]of fear and cowering in the darkness 0:11:49.190,0:11:51.794 like that black-and-white painting[br]I described earlier. 0:11:52.000,0:11:53.408 You might move on with life, 0:11:53.408,0:11:57.527 but at the same time you're still clinging[br]to that sadness that brings you comfort. 0:11:57.927,0:11:58.993 The other path -- 0:11:58.993,0:12:00.855 stepping out of grief -- 0:12:00.855,0:12:03.147 will not change or undo anything. 0:12:04.008,0:12:05.354 It will be hard. 0:12:05.621,0:12:07.365 It will always be hard, 0:12:07.365,0:12:12.536 with high mountains[br]and deep, dark valleys, 0:12:12.536,0:12:16.286 but this path looks forward[br]and moves forward. 0:12:16.858,0:12:18.832 When I learned to dance with fire, 0:12:18.832,0:12:22.235 I learned to reconcile[br]the traumatic part of my life 0:12:22.235,0:12:25.620 with the totality of my life[br]as it was still unfolding. 0:12:26.821,0:12:29.149 Fire became more than just trauma 0:12:29.149,0:12:31.188 but beauty and art as well: 0:12:31.188,0:12:32.670 everything, all at once, 0:12:32.670,0:12:34.179 just like life, 0:12:34.179,0:12:36.365 flickering and smoldering 0:12:36.365,0:12:38.662 and burning and dazzling. 0:12:40.305,0:12:43.345 And somehow in the middle of it, 0:12:43.345,0:12:44.985 finding a way to dance ... 0:12:44.985,0:12:46.098 me. 0:12:46.448,0:12:47.738 Thank you.