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Mwaka 2014 ulikua ,mkubwa kwangu.

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Ulishawahi kuwa na hio,

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kama tu mwaka mkubwa, kama mwaka bango?

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Kwangu, ulienda hivi:

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Oktoba 3, nilipoteza ujauzito wangu wa
pili.

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Halfu Oktoba 3, baba yangu alifariki kwa
saratani.

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Halafu tena Novemba 25,
mme wangu Aaron alifariki

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baada ya miaka mitatu
ya hatua ya nne ya glioblastoma,

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ambalo ni neno la mbwembwe
la saratani ya ubongo.

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Hivyo, nina vichekesho.

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(Kicheko)

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Watu wanapenda kunialika sehemu kila mara.

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Maingiano kibao.

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Kawaida, ninapoongelea
hiki kipindi cha maisha yangu,

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majibu ninayopata kimsingi ni:

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(Mhemo)

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"Siwezi -- siwezi kufikiria."

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Lakini ninafikiri unaweza.

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Ninafikiri unaweza.

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Na ninafikiri kua unatakiwa

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kwa sababu, siku moja,
itakutokea wewe.

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Labda sio hizi hasara kabisa
kwenye namna hii maalum au kwa kazi hii,

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ila nimesema, nina vichekesho

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na utafiti nilioona
utakushangaza:

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kila mtu unaempenda ana
nafasi asilimia 100 ya kufa.

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(Kicheko)

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Na ndio maana ukaja TED.

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(Kicheko)

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(Makofi)

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Tangu hasara yote ilivyonitokea,

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nimefanya kazi kuongelea kuhusu kifo na
hasara,

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sio yangu tu,
kwa sababu ni rahisi kukumbuka,

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lakini hasara na mikasa
ambayo watu wengine wamepitia.

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Ni sehemu, naweza kusema.

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(Kicheko)

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Ni sehemu ndogo, na natamani
ningekua na hela nyingi, lakini ...

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(Kicheko)

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Nimeandika vitabu vya kuinua kweli,

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nikaendesha podikasti ya kuinua sana,
nikaanzaisha shirika lisilo la serikali.

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Ninajaribu tu kufanya ninachoweza

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kufanya watu wengi zaidi wafarijike
kwenye hali zilizo ngumu,

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na majonzi ni magumu sana.

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Ni magumu sana, haswa
kama ni majonzi ya mtu mwingine.

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Basi sehemu ya hio kazi ni hili kundi
nililoanzisha na rafiki yangu Moe,

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ambae pia ni mjane;

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tunaliita Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali.

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(Kicheko)

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Na ni ukweli, tuna kadi za uwanachama

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na tisheti.

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Na pale mtu wako akifariki,
mmeo, mke, mchumba,

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hatujali kabisa kama ulikua kwenye ndoa,

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marafiki zako na familia yako
watakua tu wanaangalia

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kwa marafiki wa marafiki
wa marafiki wa marafiki

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mpaka wapate mtu
ambae amepitia hali inayofanana,

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halafu watawasukuma
mje pamoja

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ili muongee miongoni mwenu na msiwe
na masikitiko kwa watu wengine.

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(Kicheko)

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Basi ndicho tunachofanya.

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Ni mfululizo tu wa makundi madogo,

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ambapo wanaume, wanawake, mashoga, wa
kawaida, wanandoa, wenye wenza,

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wanaweza kuongelea kuhusu mtu wao
aliyekufa,

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na kusema vile vitu

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ambavyo mtu mwingine kwenye maisha yao
hayuko tayari kuvisikia bado.

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Eneo kubwa la mazungumzo.

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Kama, "Mme wangu alikufa wiki mbili
zilizopita,

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siwezi kuacha kufikiria kuhusu
ngono, ni kawaida?"

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Ndio.

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"Je kama ni mmoja wa
Property Brothers?"

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Kawaida kidogo, ila nitaikubali.

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(Kicheko)

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Vitu kama, "Ona, nikiwa hadharani na
nikaona wazee wanashikana mikono,

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wenzi ambao ni wazi wamekua
pamoja kwa miongo,

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halafu ninawaangalia na kuwaza

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vitu vyote ambavyo wamepitia
pamoja,

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vitu vizuri na vitu vibaya,

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ugomvi waliokuanao
kuhusu nani wa kutoa taka ...

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nakuta tu moyo umejawa na hasira."

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(Kicheko)

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Na huo mfano ni wa pekee kwangu.

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Mazungumzo mengi ambayo
tunakuwa nayo kwenye kundi

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yanaweza na yanakaa miongoni mwetu,

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lakini kuna vitu tunavyoviongelea

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ambavyo duniani --
dunia ambayo iko karibu na majonzi

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ila bado haijapigwa na majonzi

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inaweza kweli kunufaika kusikia.

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Na kama huwezi kusema,

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ninavutiwa/uwezo tu wa
masomo yabbsiyo ya kisayansi,

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nilienda kwenye
Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali

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na kusema, "Habari, marafiki, unakumbuka
mtu wako alivyokufa?" Walikumbuka.

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"Unakumbuka vitu vyote watu
walikuambia?"

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"Ah, ndio."

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"Ni vipi ulivyovichukia zaidi?"

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Nilipata maoni mengi, majibu mengi,
watu wanasema vitu vingi,

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lakini viwili vilisimama juu haraka sana.

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"Kusonga mbele."

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Sasa, tangu 2014,

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nitakuambia nilifunga ndoa tena na
mwanaume mzuri kweli aitwae Matthew,

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tuna watoto wanne
kwenye familia yetu iliyochanganyika,

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tuniashi kwenye viunga
vya Minneapolis, Minnesota, Marekani.

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Tuna mbwa aliyeokolewa.

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(Kicheko)

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ninaendesha gari la familia,

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kama la aina ambayo milango inafunguka
bila hata kuigusa.

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(Kicheko)

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Kama, "mezhure" yoyte, maisha ni mazuri.

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Sijawahi pia kusema "mezhure,"
sijawahi hata mara moja kuisema hivyo.

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(Kicheko)

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Sijui hata imetokea wapi.

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(Kicheko)

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Sijawahi kusikia mtu yeyote
akiisema hivyo.

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Inaonekana kama inapaswa kusemwa hivyo,

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na ndio sababu lugha ya Kiingereza
ni mbovu, basi ...

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(Kicheko)

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Ninavutiwa sana na mtu
ambae anaiongea

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kuongezea kwenye lugha
inayoeleweka -- kazi nzuri.

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(Kicheko)

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Lakini, kwa vyovote vile ...

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(Kicheko)

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Kwa vyovyote vile, maisha ni mazuri
sana sana, lakini "sijasonga mbele."

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Sijasonga mbele,
na siupendi kabisa huo msemo,

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na ninaelewa kwanini wengine hawaupendi.

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Kwa sababu unachosema

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ni kua maisha na kifo cha Aaron
na upendo ni wakati tu

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ambao nauweza kuuacha nyuma yangu --
na kua napaswa kufanya hivyo.

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Na ninapoongelea kuhusu Aaron,
ninaingia kirahisi kwenye hali halisi,

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na nimewaza kweli kua hio inanifanya
wa ajabu.

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Halafu nikagundua kua kila mtu anafanya
hivyo.

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Na sio kwa sababu tuna kana
au kwa sababu tunasahau,

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ni kwa sababu watu
tunaowapenda, tuliowapoteza,

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bado ni halisi kwetu sisi.

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Basi, ninaposema, "Oh, Aaron ni ..."

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Ni kwa sababu Aaron bado yupo.

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Na sio kwa namna
alivyokua kabla.

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iliyokua bora zaidi,

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na sio namna ambayo watu wa kanisani
wanavyojaribu kuniambia anavyokua.

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ni kua tu amezimika,

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na hivyo yupo sasa kwangu.

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Hapa,

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yupo hapa kwenye kazi ninayofanya,

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kwenye mtoto tulionae pamoja,

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kwenye hawa watoto wengine watatu
ninaolea,

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ambao hawajawahi kunuona,
ambao hawana DNA yake,

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lakini wapo kwenye maisha yangu tu
kwa sababu nilikuwa na Aaron

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na kwa sababu nilimpoteza Aaron.

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Yupo nami kwenye ndoa yangu na Matthew,

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kwa sababu maisha na upendo na kifo cha
Aaron

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vimenifanya kua mtu ambae
Matthew angetaka kuoa.

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Hivyo sijasonga mbele kutoka kwa Aaron,

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nimesonga mbele na yeye.

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(Makofi)

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Tulisambaza majivu ya Aaron
kwenye mto aupendao huko Minnesota,

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na pale begi lilipokua tupu --

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kwa sababu ukiwa umechomwa,
unatoshea kwenye mfuko wa plastiki --

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kulikua na majibu bado
yamebaki kwenye vidole vyangu.

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Na ningeingiza tu mikono yangu kwenye
maji na kuisuuza,

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lakini badala lake, nililamba mikono
yangu,

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kwa sababu niliogopa kupoteza zaidi
ya nilichopoteza zaidi,

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na nilitamani sana kuhakikisha kua
atakua ni sehemu yangu daima.

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Lakini bila shaka atakua.

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Kwa sababu unapomuona mtu wako
akijijaza na sumu kwa miaka mitatu,

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ili tu aweze kuishi
zaidi kidogo na wewe,

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hilo linakaa na wewe.

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Unapomuangalia akififia kutoka kwenye
mtu mwenye afya siku mliokutana

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kuwa sifuri, hiyo inakaa na wewe.

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Unapomuangalia mwanao,
amba hata bado hana miaka miwili,

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akienda kitandani kwa baba yake
siku ya mwisho ya maisha yake,

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kama vile anajua kinachofuata
masaa machache,

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na kusema, "Nakupenda. Nimemaliza.
Kwaheri."

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Hiyo inakaa na wewe.

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Kama tu unapopenda,
hatimae, unapopenda kweli

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mtu anaekuelewa na kukuona

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na unaona pia, "Mungu wangu,
nimekua nikikosea mda wote huu.

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Upendo sio mashindano au
kipindi cha televisheni -- ni ukimya sana,

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ni huu uzi usioonekana wa utulivu
unatuunganisha wawili

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hata kama kila kitu kina vurugu,

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vitu vinapoenda vibaya,
hata kama akiondoka."

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Hio inakaa na wewe.

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Tulikua tunafanya hivi --

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mikono yangu ilikua na
baridi na yeye ana joto,

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nilichukua mikono yangu ya barafu
na kuisukuma ndani ya shati lake ...

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kuikandamiza kwenye mwili wake mkali.

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(Kicheko)

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Na alikua hapendi kabisa,

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(Kicheko)

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lakini alinipenda,

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na alivyokufa,
nililala kitandani na Aaron

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na nikaweka mikono yangu chini yake

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na nikahisi joto lake.

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Na sikuweza hata kusema kama
mikono yangu ilikua na baridi,

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lakini ninaweza kuwaambia

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kua nilijua ilikua mara ya mwisho
ningeweza kufanya hivyo.

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Na hio kumbukumbu
itakua ya kusikitisha daima.

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Hio kumbukumbu itauma daima.

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Hata kama nikiwa na miaka 600
na ni hologramu tu.

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(Kicheko)

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Kama tu kumbukumbu ya kukutana nae
itanifanya nicheke daima.

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Maombolezo hayatokei kwenye huu
utupu,

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yanatokea pamoja na na ikichanganyika
na hisia zote hizi nyingine.

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Hivyo, nikakutana na Matthew, mme wangu wa
sasa --

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ambae hapendi hicho cheo,

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(Kicheko)

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lakini ni sawa kabisa.

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(Kicheko)

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Nilikutana na Matthew, na ...

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kulikua na hii pumzi ya wazi ya faraja
kati ya watu wanaonipenda,

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kama, "Imekwisha!

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Ameweza.

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Amepata mwisho mzuri,
tunaweza kurudi nyumbani sasa.

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Na tumefanya vizuri."

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Na hio hadithi inafaa hata
hata kwangu,

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na nikawaza labda nimeipata
hio pia, lakini haikua hivyo.

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Nilipata sura nyingine.

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Na ni sura nzuri sana --
nakupenda, mpenzi --

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ni sura nzuri sana.

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Tena haswahaswa mwanzoni,
ilikua kama ulimwengu mbadala,

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au moja ya vile vitabu ya zamani vya
"chagua shani yako" vya miaka ya 80

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ambapo kuna mistari miwili sambamba.

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Nikafungua moyo wangu kwa
Matthew,

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na ubongo wangu ukawa,
"Ungependa kumfikiria Aaron?

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Kama zamani, sasa, mbeleni,
ingia tu huko," na nilifanya hivyo.

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Na ghafla,
hiyo mistari miwili ilifunguka kwa pamoja,

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na kupendana na Matthew kumenisaidia
sana kugundua ukubwa

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wa nilichopoteza Aaron alivyofariki.

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Na ilivyo muhimu,

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ilinisaidia kugundua kua upendo wangu
kwa Aaron

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na maombolezo yangu kwa Aaron,

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na upendo wangu kwa Matthew,
sio nguvu za kupishana.

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Ni sehemu tu za uzi mmoja

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Ni vitu sawa sawa.

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Wazazi wangu wangesemaje?

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Mimi sio wa pekee.

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(Kicheko)

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Walikua na watoto wanne,
walikua kama ... wa kweli.

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(Kicheko)

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Lakini mimi sio, mimi sio wa pekee.

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Ninajua hilo, ninajua vizuri

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kua siku nzima, kila siku
duniani kote,

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vitu vibaya vinatokea.

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Kila mara.

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Kama nilivyosema, mtu mcheshi.

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Lakini vitu vibaya vinatokea,

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watu wanapata hasara za kina na mbaya
kila siku.

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Na kama sehemu ya kazi yangu,

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hii podikasti ya ajabu niliyonayo,

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kuna mda ninaongea na watu

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kuhusu kitu kibaya
kilichowahi kuwatokea.

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Na saa nyingine, hio ni
kupotelewa na mpendwa,

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mara nyingine siku, wiki miaka
au miongo iliyopita.

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Na hawa watu ninaowahoji,

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hawajajifungia wenyewe
kwenye hii hasara

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na kuifanya sehemu kuu ya maisha yao.

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Wameishi, dunia zao
zimeendelea kuzunguka.

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Lakini wanaongea na mimi,
mgeni kabisa,

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kuhusu mtu wanaempenda aliyekufa,

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kwa sababu hivi ndivyo vitu tunavyopitia

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vinavyotuonyesha na kutufanya
kama tu wale wenye furaha.

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Na kama ilivyo ya kudumu.

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Baadae baada ya kupata kadi yako
ya mwisho ya huruma

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au pishi la moto la mwisho.

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Kama, hatuangalii watu
wanaotuzunguka

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wakipitia furaha na maajabu ya maisha
na kuwaambia "wasonge mbele", ndio?

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Hatutumi kadi ambazo zinasema
"Hongera kwa mtoto mzuri,"

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halafu, miaka mitano baadae, tunawaza, 
"Sherehe nyingine ya kuzaliwa? Acha hizo."

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(Kicheko)

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Ndio, tunaelewa, ana miaka mitano.

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(Kicheko)

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Wow.

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(Kicheko)

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Lakini maombolezo ni moja ya vile vitu,

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kama kupenda au kuwa na mtoto
au kuangalia "The Wire" kwenye HBO,

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ambapo hauelewi
mpaka upate, mpaka ufanye.

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Na punde unavyofanya,
punde ni mpenzi wako au mtoto wako,

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punde ni maombolezo yako
na uko mstari wa mbele kwenye msiba,

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unaelewa.

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Unaelewa unachopitia sio
sehemu ya mda,

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sio mfupa kua utajirudi,

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lakini kua umeguswa na kitu kikali.

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Kitu kisichotibika.

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Hakiui, lakini saa nyingine
yanakua kama yanaweza.

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Na kama hatuwezi kuzuia miongoni mwetu,

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nini tunaweza kufanya?

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Nini tunaweza kufanya zaidi ya
kukumbushiana

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kua vitu vingine havirekebishiki,

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na sio kila kidonda kinapaswa kupona.

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Tunahitajiana kukumbuka,

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kusaidiana kukumbuka,

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kua maombolezo ni hisia ya mambo mengi.

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Kua unaweza na utakua na huzuni, na
furaha; utaomboleza na kupenda

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kwenye mwaka au wiki au pumzi hio hio.

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Tunahitaji kukumbuka kua mtu anaeomboleza
ataenda kucheka na kutabasamu tena.

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Wakibahatika,
wanaweza hata kupenda tena.

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Lakini ndio, hakika
wataenda kusonga mbele.

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Lakini hiyo haimaanishi kua
wameendelea mbele.

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Asanteni.

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(Makofi)