WEBVTT 00:00:03.034 --> 00:00:06.541 I grew up with my identical twin, 00:00:06.541 --> 00:00:09.708 who was an incredibly loving brother. 00:00:09.708 --> 00:00:13.555 Now one thing about being a twin is that it makes you an expert 00:00:13.555 --> 00:00:16.730 at spotting favoritism. 00:00:16.730 --> 00:00:22.500 If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions. 00:00:22.500 --> 00:00:26.920 And clearly, I wasn't starving. 00:00:26.929 --> 00:00:29.235 (Laughter) 00:00:29.235 --> 00:00:34.403 When I became a psychologist, I began to notice a favoritism of different kind, 00:00:34.403 --> 00:00:40.283 and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind. 00:00:40.283 --> 00:00:46.340 I spent nine years at university earning my Doctorate in Psychology, 00:00:46.340 --> 00:00:50.760 and I can't tell you how many people looked at my business card and said, 00:00:50.868 --> 00:00:55.304 "Oh, a psychologist, so not a real doctor", 00:00:55.304 --> 00:00:59.301 as I it should say that on my card. 00:00:59.301 --> 00:01:03.372 (Laughter) 00:01:03.372 --> 00:01:07.895 This is the favoritism we show the body over the mind. 00:01:07.895 --> 00:01:10.083 I see it everywhere. 00:01:10.083 --> 00:01:12.729 I recently was at a friend's house, 00:01:12.729 --> 00:01:14.559 and a five-year-old was getting ready for bed. 00:01:14.559 --> 00:01:17.982 He was standing on a stool by the sink and brushing his teeth, 00:01:17.982 --> 00:01:21.661 when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell. 00:01:21.661 --> 00:01:24.397 He cried for a minute, but then he got back up, 00:01:24.397 --> 00:01:28.743 got back on the stool and reach out for a box of band-aids 00:01:28.743 --> 00:01:31.573 to put one on his cut. 00:01:31.573 --> 00:01:35.392 Now this kid could barely tie his shoe laces, 00:01:35.392 --> 00:01:39.590 but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected, 00:01:39.590 --> 00:01:43.425 and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day. 00:01:43.425 --> 00:01:46.369 We all know have to maintain our physical health 00:01:46.369 --> 00:01:49.658 and have to practice dental hygiene, right ? 00:01:49.658 --> 00:01:52.998 We know it since we were five-years-old. 00:01:52.998 --> 00:01:58.056 But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? 00:01:58.056 --> 00:02:00.178 Well, nothing. 00:02:00.178 --> 00:02:03.568 What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? 00:02:03.571 --> 00:02:06.967 Nothing. 00:02:06.967 --> 00:02:10.199 How is it? We spend more time taking care of our teeth 00:02:10.199 --> 00:02:14.385 than we do our minds. 00:02:14.385 --> 00:02:17.912 Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us 00:02:17.912 --> 00:02:21.393 than our psychological health? 00:02:21.393 --> 00:02:24.207 You know we sustain psychological injuries 00:02:24.207 --> 00:02:27.409 even more often than we do physical ones, 00:02:27.409 --> 00:02:31.483 injuries like failure or rejections, or loneliness. 00:02:31.483 --> 00:02:34.055 And they can also get worse if we ignore them, 00:02:34.055 --> 00:02:37.465 and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. 00:02:37.465 --> 00:02:41.371 And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques 00:02:41.371 --> 00:02:46.060 we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries . 00:02:46.060 --> 00:02:48.062 We don't. 00:02:48.062 --> 00:02:50.764 It doesn't even occur to us that we should. 00:02:50.764 --> 00:02:55.517 Oh, your feeling depressed, just shake it off, it's all in your head. 00:02:55.517 --> 00:02:58.555 Can you imagine say that to somebody who broken a leg, 00:02:58.555 --> 00:03:01.479 "Just walk it off, it's all in your leg." 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:03.448 (Laughter) 00:03:03.448 --> 00:03:09.101 It is the time we close the gap between our physical and our psychological health. 00:03:09.101 --> 00:03:12.197 It's time we make them more equal. 00:03:12.197 --> 00:03:15.293 More like twins. 00:03:15.293 --> 00:03:18.389 Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. 00:03:18.389 --> 00:03:21.897 So he's not a real doctor, either. 00:03:21.897 --> 00:03:23.919 (Laughter) 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:25.704 We didn't study together though. 00:03:25.704 --> 00:03:29.845 In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life 00:03:29.845 --> 00:03:35.165 is move across Atlantic to New York City to get my doctorate in psychology. 00:03:35.165 --> 00:03:39.393 We were apart then, for the first time in our lives, 00:03:39.393 --> 00:03:42.295 and the separation was brutal for both of us. 00:03:42.295 --> 00:03:46.284 But while he remained among family and friends, 00:03:46.284 --> 00:03:48.680 I was alone in a new country. We miss each other terribly . 00:03:48.680 --> 00:03:51.076 We missed each other terribly, 00:03:51.076 --> 00:03:53.473 but international phone calls were really expensive then 00:03:53.473 --> 00:03:57.799 and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week. 00:03:57.799 --> 00:04:00.403 When our birthday rolled around, 00:04:00.403 --> 00:04:03.140 and it was the first we wouldn't be spending together. 00:04:03.140 --> 00:04:05.161 We decide to splurge, and that week, 00:04:05.161 --> 00:04:08.207 we decided to talk for ten minutes. 00:04:08.207 --> 00:04:10.829 I spend morning passing around my room, waiting for him to call. 00:04:10.829 --> 00:04:17.692 And waiting, and waiting, but the phone didn't ring. 00:04:17.692 --> 00:04:20.167 Given the time difference, I assumed, 00:04:20.167 --> 00:04:22.808 "Ok, he 's out with friends, he will call later." 00:04:22.808 --> 00:04:26.083 There were no cell phones then. 00:04:26.083 --> 00:04:29.358 But he didn't. 00:04:29.358 --> 00:04:32.633 And I began to realize, after being away for over 10 months, 00:04:32.633 --> 00:04:36.173 he no longer missed me the way I missed him. 00:04:36.173 --> 00:04:38.499 I knew he would call in the morning, 00:04:38.499 --> 00:04:44.585 but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life. 00:04:44.585 --> 00:04:46.862 I woke up the next morning. 00:04:46.862 --> 00:04:52.057 I glanced down the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook 00:04:52.067 --> 00:04:54.893 when pacing the day before. 00:04:54.893 --> 00:04:57.506 I stumbled out off bed, 00:04:57.506 --> 00:05:00.223 I put the phone back on the receiver, and it ringed a second later, 00:05:00.223 --> 00:05:03.823 and it was my brother. and boy he was pissed. 00:05:03.856 --> 00:05:05.528 (Laughter) 00:05:05.528 --> 00:05:08.968 It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well. 00:05:08.968 --> 00:05:11.560 Now I tried to explain what happened, but he said, 00:05:11.560 --> 00:05:14.650 "I don't understand, if you saw I wasn't calling you, 00:05:14.718 --> 00:05:19.399 Why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?" 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:23.544 He was right. Why didn't I call him? 00:05:23.544 --> 00:05:26.654 I didn't have answer then, but I do today, 00:05:26.707 --> 00:05:31.642 and it's simple one: loneliness 00:05:31.642 --> 00:05:35.926 Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, 00:05:35.926 --> 00:05:39.883 one that distort our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. 00:05:39.883 --> 00:05:43.915 It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. 00:05:45.812 --> 00:05:48.352 It make us really afraid to reach out, 00:05:48.352 --> 00:05:51.802 because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache 00:05:51.802 --> 00:05:56.274 when your heart is already aching more than you can stand? 00:05:56.274 --> 00:05:59.538 I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, 00:05:59.538 --> 00:06:04.039 but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. 00:06:04.039 --> 00:06:09.544 But loneliness is defined purely subjectively. 00:06:09.544 --> 00:06:11.539 It depends solely on whether you feel 00:06:11.539 --> 00:06:15.114 emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. 00:06:15.114 --> 00:06:17.899 And I did. 00:06:17.899 --> 00:06:23.363 There is a lot research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying. 00:06:23.363 --> 00:06:27.865 Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you. 00:06:27.865 --> 00:06:29.193 I am not kidding. 00:06:29.193 --> 00:06:32.667 Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death 00:06:32.667 --> 00:06:36.658 by 14 percent,14 percent. 00:06:36.658 --> 00:06:40.681 Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol, 00:06:40.681 --> 00:06:45.207 It even suppress the functioning of your immune system, 00:06:45.207 --> 00:06:49.108 making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases. 00:06:49.108 --> 00:06:53.139 In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together, 00:06:53.139 --> 00:06:55.990 chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk 00:06:55.990 --> 00:07:00.991 for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking. 00:07:00.991 --> 00:07:05.061 Now cigarette packs come with warning saying, "This will kill you." 00:07:05.103 --> 00:07:07.405 But loneliness doesn't. 00:07:07.405 --> 00:07:11.907 And that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health, 00:07:11.907 --> 00:07:15.310 that we practice emotional hygiene . 00:07:15.310 --> 00:07:18.282 Because you can't treat a psychological wound 00:07:18.282 --> 00:07:21.512 if you don't even know you're injured. 00:07:22.153 --> 00:07:26.224 Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound that distorts our perceptions 00:07:26.224 --> 00:07:28.412 and misleads us. 00:07:28.412 --> 00:07:32.128 Failure does that as well. 00:07:32.128 --> 00:07:36.110 I once visited a day care center, where I saw three toddlers 00:07:36.110 --> 00:07:39.384 play with identical plastic toys: 00:07:39.384 --> 00:07:43.904 you had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out. 00:07:43.905 --> 00:07:49.255 One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it, 00:07:49.255 --> 00:07:53.427 and then she just sat back and looked at the box, with her lower lip trembling. 00:07:53.427 --> 00:07:56.104 The little boy next to her watched this happen, 00:07:56.104 --> 00:08:02.034 then turned to his box and and burst into tears without even touching it. 00:08:02.034 --> 00:08:06.437 Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of 00:08:06.437 --> 00:08:09.775 until she slid the little red button 00:08:09.775 --> 00:08:11.832 and the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight. 00:08:11.832 --> 00:08:13.925 So three toddlers with identical plastic toys, 00:08:13.925 --> 00:08:18.227 but very different reactions to failure. 00:08:18.227 --> 00:08:22.278 The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button, 00:08:22.278 --> 00:08:25.590 the only thing that prevented them from succeeding 00:08:25.590 --> 00:08:30.700 was their mind tricked them into believing they could not. 00:08:30.700 --> 00:08:33.970 Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time. 00:08:33.970 --> 00:08:40.409 In fact we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered 00:08:40.409 --> 00:08:44.645 whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks. 00:08:44.645 --> 00:08:46.984 Are you aware how your mind reacts to failure? 00:08:46.984 --> 00:08:48.273 You need to be. 00:08:48.273 --> 00:08:53.074 Because if your mind tries to convince you that you're incapable of something 00:08:53.074 --> 00:08:55.953 and you believe it, then like those two toddlers, 00:08:55.953 --> 00:09:00.551 You'll begin to feel helpless, you will stop try it too soon, 00:09:00.551 --> 00:09:02.699 or you won't even try it at all. then you will be even more convinced 00:09:02.699 --> 00:09:04.457 And then you'll be even more convinced that you can't succeed. 00:09:04.457 --> 00:09:08.585 You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential. 00:09:08.585 --> 00:09:12.259 Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure 00:09:12.259 --> 00:09:15.889 convinced them they couldn't succeed, and they believed it. 00:09:15.893 --> 00:09:21.966 Once we become to convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind. 00:09:21.966 --> 00:09:26.276 I learn that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother. 00:09:26.291 --> 00:09:29.620 We were driving with friends down a dark road at night, 00:09:29.620 --> 00:09:31.982 when a police car stopped us. 00:09:31.982 --> 00:09:34.344 There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects. 00:09:34.344 --> 00:09:36.047 The officer approached the car, 00:09:36.047 --> 00:09:39.308 and he shined his flash light on the driver, 00:09:39.308 --> 00:09:41.461 and then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me. 00:09:41.461 --> 00:09:44.774 And his eyes opened wide and he said, 00:09:44.774 --> 00:09:46.977 "Where have I seen your face before?" 00:09:46.977 --> 00:09:50.885 (Laughter) 00:09:50.885 --> 00:09:53.796 And I said, "In the front seat." 00:09:53.796 --> 00:09:56.307 (Laughter) 00:09:56.307 --> 00:09:58.813 But that made no sense to him whatsoever. 00:09:58.813 --> 00:10:01.137 So now he thought I was on drugs. 00:10:01.137 --> 00:10:02.451 (Laughter) 00:10:02.451 --> 00:10:05.225 So he dragged me out of the car, he searches me, 00:10:05.225 --> 00:10:06.800 he marches me over to the police car, 00:10:06.800 --> 00:10:11.695 and only when he verified that I don't have a police record 00:10:11.695 --> 00:10:14.931 could I show him that I had a twin in the front seat. 00:10:14.931 --> 00:10:17.648 But even we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face 00:10:17.648 --> 00:10:20.244 you should see by the by look on his face, that he was was convinced 00:10:20.244 --> 00:10:22.655 that I was getting away with something. 00:10:22.655 --> 00:10:26.669 Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced. 00:10:26.669 --> 00:10:32.741 So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail. 00:10:32.741 --> 00:10:36.642 But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced that you can't succeed. 00:10:36.642 --> 00:10:40.382 You have to fight feelings of helplessness. 00:10:40.382 --> 00:10:42.393 You have to gain control over the situation. 00:10:42.393 --> 00:10:47.621 And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins. 00:10:48.191 --> 00:10:50.916 Our minds and our feelings, 00:10:50.916 --> 00:10:53.641 they are not the trustworthy friends we thought they were. 00:10:53.641 --> 00:10:56.366 They are more like a really moody friend, 00:10:56.366 --> 00:11:02.266 who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next. 00:11:02.266 --> 00:11:08.313 I once worked with this woman who after 20 years marriage 00:11:08.313 --> 00:11:11.626 and an extremely ugly divorce, was finally ready for her first date. 00:11:11.626 --> 00:11:16.018 She has met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful, 00:11:16.018 --> 00:11:19.693 and most importantly, he seemed really into her. 00:11:19.693 --> 00:11:22.664 So she was really excited, and she bought new dress, 00:11:22.664 --> 00:11:26.697 and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink. 00:11:26.697 --> 00:11:30.238 Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, 00:11:30.238 --> 00:11:33.428 "I'm not interested." and walks out. 00:11:33.428 --> 00:11:39.512 Rejection is extremely painful. 00:11:39.512 --> 00:11:43.167 The woman was so hurt, she could't move. All she could do is call a friend, 00:11:43.167 --> 00:11:47.709 here's what friend said, "Well, what do you expect? 00:11:47.709 --> 00:11:50.722 you have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say, 00:11:50.722 --> 00:11:55.573 why would a handsome, successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you?" 00:11:56.840 --> 00:12:01.744 Shocking that a friend could be so cruel. 00:12:01.744 --> 00:12:06.607 But it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn't a friend who said that. 00:12:06.607 --> 00:12:09.612 It's what the woman said to herself. 00:12:09.612 --> 00:12:12.520 And that's something we all do. 00:12:12.520 --> 00:12:15.667 Especially after a rejection, we all start thinking of our faults and all our shortcomings, 00:12:15.667 --> 00:12:18.341 what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't, 00:12:18.341 --> 00:12:21.699 we call ourselves names. 00:12:21.699 --> 00:12:23.809 Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it. 00:12:23.839 --> 00:12:28.419 And it's interesting we do, because our self esteem is already hurting. 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:32.380 Why would we want to go and damage it even further? 00:12:32.380 --> 00:12:35.741 We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose. 00:12:35.741 --> 00:12:39.590 You wouldn't get cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know! 00:12:39.590 --> 00:12:41.409 I am going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it." 00:12:41.409 --> 00:12:44.943 But we do that with psychological injuries all the time. 00:12:44.943 --> 00:12:47.665 Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene. Because we don't priotize our 00:12:47.665 --> 00:12:50.387 Because we don't prioritize our psychological health. 00:12:50.387 --> 00:12:53.110 We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower, 00:12:53.110 --> 00:12:56.053 you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety. 00:12:56.056 --> 00:12:59.236 That failures and rejections hurt more 00:12:59.236 --> 00:13:04.266 and it takes longer to recover from them. 00:13:04.266 --> 00:13:08.265 So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing 00:13:08.265 --> 00:13:12.554 is to revive your self-esteem, not join fight fight-club and beat it into a pulp. 00:13:12.554 --> 00:13:17.054 When you're in emotional pain, 00:13:17.059 --> 00:13:21.572 treat yourself with same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend . 00:13:23.122 --> 00:13:28.042 We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them. 00:13:28.128 --> 00:13:33.108 One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. 00:13:33.108 --> 00:13:36.149 To ruminate means to chew over. It's when your boss's yells at you, 00:13:36.149 --> 00:13:39.190 It's when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class, 00:13:39.190 --> 00:13:42.231 you have big fight with your friend 00:13:42.231 --> 00:13:47.321 and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days, 00:13:47.438 --> 00:13:51.757 sometimes for weeks on end. 00:13:51.757 --> 00:13:53.785 Now ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, 00:13:53.785 --> 00:13:55.733 and it's a very costly one. 00:13:55.733 --> 00:14:00.242 Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts, 00:14:00.242 --> 00:14:04.552 you are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing 00:14:04.580 --> 00:14:08.689 clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders and even cardiac vesicular disease. 00:14:08.689 --> 00:14:14.239 The problem is the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, 00:14:14.239 --> 00:14:18.429 so it's a difficult habit to stop. 00:14:18.429 --> 00:14:22.841 I know this for a fact, because little over a year ago, 00:14:22.841 --> 00:14:25.060 I developed the habit myself. 00:14:25.060 --> 00:14:28.369 You see my twin brother was diagnosed with stage III 00:14:28.369 --> 00:14:30.820 with stage III Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 00:14:30.820 --> 00:14:33.983 His cancer was extremly aggressive , 00:14:33.983 --> 00:14:36.904 he had invisible tumors all over his body. 00:14:36.904 --> 00:14:41.835 And he had to start a harsh douse of chemotherapy. 00:14:41.835 --> 00:14:45.357 And I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through, 00:14:45.364 --> 00:14:50.054 I could't stop thinking how much he was suffering, 00:14:50.222 --> 00:14:54.332 even though he never complained, not once. 00:14:54.332 --> 00:14:58.920 He had this incredibly positive attitude. 00:14:58.920 --> 00:15:01.529 His psychological health was amazing. I was physically healthy, 00:15:01.529 --> 00:15:04.138 I was physically healthy, but psychologically, I was a mess. 00:15:04.138 --> 00:15:06.748 But I knew what to do. 00:15:06.748 --> 00:15:11.758 Studies tell us that even a two minutes distraction is sufficient 00:15:11.920 --> 00:15:15.330 to break the urge to ruminate in that moment. 00:15:15.388 --> 00:15:19.155 So each time I had worrying, upsetting negative thought, 00:15:19.155 --> 00:15:22.257 I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed. 00:15:22.257 --> 00:15:25.833 And within one week, my whole outlook changed 00:15:25.833 --> 00:15:30.703 and became more positive and more helpful. 00:15:31.719 --> 00:15:36.649 Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had Cat-scan, 00:15:36.744 --> 00:15:39.880 I was by his side when he got back his results. 00:15:39.880 --> 00:15:44.993 All the tumors were gone. He still has three more Rounds Chemo-Therapy to go. 00:15:44.993 --> 00:15:47.731 But we knew he would recover. 00:15:47.731 --> 00:15:52.489 this picture was taken two weeks ago. 00:15:54.019 --> 00:15:56.847 By taking action when you lonely, 00:15:56.847 --> 00:16:00.225 by changing your response to failure, 00:16:00.225 --> 00:16:03.157 by protecting yourself esteem, 00:16:03.157 --> 00:16:05.649 by battling negative thinking, 00:16:05.649 --> 00:16:08.957 You won't just heal your psychological wound, 00:16:08.957 --> 00:16:12.174 you will bulid your emotional resilience, you will thrive. 00:16:12.174 --> 00:16:16.794 You know hundred years ago, People began practicing personal Hygiene, 00:16:16.794 --> 00:16:22.759 and life expectancy rates rose by over fifty percent in 00:16:22.759 --> 00:16:27.467 just matter of decades. I believe our quality of life 00:16:27.467 --> 00:16:29.962 could rise just as dramatically if 00:16:29.962 --> 00:16:32.979 we all begin practicing emotional Hygiene. 00:16:32.979 --> 00:16:36.589 Can you imaging, can you imaging what the world would be like 00:16:36.589 --> 00:16:39.148 if everyone was psychologically healthier, 00:16:39.148 --> 00:16:43.443 if there were less loneliness, and less depression. 00:16:43.443 --> 00:16:46.934 If people knew how to overcome failure,if they feel better 00:16:46.934 --> 00:16:49.494 about themselves, and more empowered, 00:16:49.494 --> 00:16:53.490 if they were happier, and more fulfilled, I can, because 00:16:53.490 --> 00:16:57.553 That's the world I want live in, and that's the world 00:16:57.553 --> 00:17:02.523 my brother wants to live in as well. If you just become informed, 00:17:02.549 --> 00:17:06.540 and change a few simple habits, well 00:17:06.540 --> 00:17:09.631 and that's the world we all can live in. 00:17:09.631 --> 00:17:13.351 Thank you very much.