WEBVTT 00:00:03.034 --> 00:00:08.864 I grew up with my identical twin. He was incredibly loving brother. 00:00:08.864 --> 00:00:13.555 now, one thing about being a twin is makes you an expert 00:00:13.555 --> 00:00:17.130 at spotting favoritism. 00:00:17.130 --> 00:00:22.500 if his cookie even slightly bigger than my cookie, I have questions, 00:00:22.500 --> 00:00:26.920 and clearly I wasn't starving. 00:00:26.929 --> 00:00:29.235 (laughing) 00:00:29.235 --> 00:00:33.803 When I became Psycologist, I began to notice the favoritism of different kind. 00:00:33.803 --> 00:00:40.283 and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind. 00:00:40.283 --> 00:00:46.340 I spend nine years at University earning my Doctorate in Psychology. 00:00:46.340 --> 00:00:50.760 and I can't tell you how many people looked at my Business card and say, 00:00:50.868 --> 00:00:55.304 Oh, a Psychologist, so not a real Doctor. 00:00:55.304 --> 00:00:59.454 as I such say that on my card. 00:00:59.501 --> 00:01:03.372 (laughing) 00:01:03.372 --> 00:01:07.895 This favoritism we show the body over the mind. 00:01:07.895 --> 00:01:10.083 I see it everywhere. 00:01:10.083 --> 00:01:12.729 I Recently was at a friend's house, 00:01:12.729 --> 00:01:14.559 and a five year old was getting ready for bed. 00:01:14.559 --> 00:01:17.982 He was standing on a stool by the sink and brushing his teeth, 00:01:17.982 --> 00:01:21.661 when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell. 00:01:21.661 --> 00:01:24.397 He cried for a minute, but he got back up, 00:01:24.397 --> 00:01:28.743 got back on the stool and reach out for a box of bandage 00:01:28.743 --> 00:01:31.573 to put one on his cut. 00:01:31.573 --> 00:01:35.392 Now this kid could barely tie his shoe laces, 00:01:35.392 --> 00:01:39.590 but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected, 00:01:39.590 --> 00:01:43.425 and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day. 00:01:43.425 --> 00:01:47.419 we all know have to maintain our physical health 00:01:47.419 --> 00:01:49.658 and have to practice dental hygiene, right ? 00:01:49.658 --> 00:01:52.998 We know it since we were five years old. 00:01:52.998 --> 00:01:58.056 but what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? 00:01:58.056 --> 00:02:00.178 well, nothing. 00:02:00.178 --> 00:02:03.568 What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? 00:02:03.671 --> 00:02:06.967 Nothing. 00:02:06.967 --> 00:02:10.199 How is it? We spend more time 00:02:10.199 --> 00:02:14.385 taking care our teeth than we do our minds. 00:02:14.385 --> 00:02:17.912 why is it our physical health is so much 00:02:17.912 --> 00:02:21.913 important to us than our psychological health . 00:02:21.913 --> 00:02:25.513 You know we sustain psychological injuries 00:02:25.547 --> 00:02:28.579 even more often than we do physical ones, 00:02:28.579 --> 00:02:31.483 Injuries like failure or rejections, or loneliness, 00:02:31.483 --> 00:02:34.055 and they can also get worse if we ignore them. 00:02:34.055 --> 00:02:37.465 and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. 00:02:37.465 --> 00:02:42.257 and yet, even though there are Scientifically proven techniques 00:02:42.281 --> 00:02:46.650 we could use to treat these kind of psychological injuries . 00:02:46.650 --> 00:02:50.966 We don't.It doesn't even occur to us we should. 00:02:50.966 --> 00:02:55.517 Oh, your feeling depressed, just shake it off, it's all in your head. 00:02:55.517 --> 00:02:58.555 can you imagine say that to somebody who broken a leg, 00:02:58.555 --> 00:03:01.759 just walk it off, it's all in your leg. 00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:04.008 (laughing) 00:03:04.008 --> 00:03:09.208 It's the time we close the gap between our physical and our psychological health. 00:03:09.271 --> 00:03:14.351 It's time we make them more equal. More like twins. 00:03:14.364 --> 00:03:18.389 Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. 00:03:18.389 --> 00:03:22.637 so he's not a real Doctor either. 00:03:22.637 --> 00:03:24.469 (laughing) 00:03:24.469 --> 00:03:27.884 We didn't study together though. 00:03:27.884 --> 00:03:31.425 In fact, the hardest thing I ever done in my life 00:03:31.425 --> 00:03:35.165 is move cross Atlantic to New York city to get my doctorate in psychology. 00:03:35.165 --> 00:03:39.393 we were apart then,for the first time in our life, and the seperation 00:03:39.393 --> 00:03:43.245 was brutal for both of us. But well , 00:03:43.245 --> 00:03:46.284 He remained among the family and friends. 00:03:46.284 --> 00:03:50.659 I was alone in a new country. We miss each other terribly . 00:03:50.659 --> 00:03:53.473 But international telephone was really expensive then. 00:03:53.473 --> 00:03:57.799 and we could only afford speak for 5 minutes a week. 00:03:57.799 --> 00:04:00.403 When our birthday rolled around, 00:04:00.403 --> 00:04:03.140 and it was first we would spending together. 00:04:03.140 --> 00:04:05.161 we decide to splurging, 00:04:05.161 --> 00:04:08.207 that week we decided to talk ten minutes. 00:04:08.207 --> 00:04:10.829 I spend morning, passing around my room. 00:04:10.829 --> 00:04:17.692 Waiting for him to call , and waiting, and waiting, but the phone didn't ring. 00:04:17.692 --> 00:04:20.577 given the time difference, I assume 00:04:20.577 --> 00:04:22.808 ok, he 's out with friend, he will call later . 00:04:22.808 --> 00:04:26.996 There were no cell phones then. but he didn't. 00:04:26.996 --> 00:04:32.633 and I began to realize, after being away for over ten Month, 00:04:32.633 --> 00:04:36.173 he no longer miss me the way I missed him. 00:04:36.173 --> 00:04:40.842 and I knew he would call in the morning, but that night was the 00:04:40.842 --> 00:04:45.882 saddest and longest night in my life. I woke up the next morning. 00:04:46.067 --> 00:04:52.057 I runs down the phone ,and I realized I had kicked it off the hook 00:04:52.067 --> 00:04:55.383 when passing the day before. 00:04:55.383 --> 00:04:57.506 I stumped off bed, I put phone 00:04:57.506 --> 00:05:00.223 back on the receiver,and it ringed a second later, 00:05:00.223 --> 00:05:03.823 and it was my brother. and boy he was pissed. 00:05:03.856 --> 00:05:05.528 (laughing) 00:05:05.528 --> 00:05:08.968 It was the saddest and longest night in his life as well. 00:05:08.968 --> 00:05:11.560 I tried to explain what happened, but he said 00:05:11.560 --> 00:05:14.650 I don't understand, if you're sorry I wasn't calling you, 00:05:14.718 --> 00:05:19.399 Why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me. 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:23.544 he was right. Why din't I call him? 00:05:23.544 --> 00:05:26.654 I din't have answer then. but I do today, 00:05:26.707 --> 00:05:31.642 and it's simple one. Loneliness. 00:05:31.642 --> 00:05:35.926 Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound. 00:05:35.926 --> 00:05:39.883 one that distort our obsessions 00:05:39.883 --> 00:05:43.915 and scramble our thinking, and it makes us believe 00:05:43.915 --> 00:05:47.402 those around us care much less than they actually do. 00:05:47.402 --> 00:05:51.164 It make us really afraid to reach out. Because why set yourself up 00:05:51.164 --> 00:05:53.434 for rejection and heart ache, when your heart is already aching 00:05:53.434 --> 00:05:56.268 more than you can stand. 00:05:56.268 --> 00:05:59.538 I was in the grip of real loneliness back then, 00:05:59.538 --> 00:06:02.800 but I was surrounded by people all day, 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:05.409 so it never occurred to me. 00:06:05.409 --> 00:06:09.544 but loneliness, it defined purely , subjectively, 00:06:09.544 --> 00:06:14.116 it depands solely On whether you feel emotionally or socially 00:06:14.116 --> 00:06:17.899 disconnected from those around you. and I did. 00:06:17.899 --> 00:06:21.229 There's a lot research on loneliness 00:06:21.233 --> 00:06:23.863 and all of it is horifying 00:06:23.863 --> 00:06:28.455 Loneliness won't just leave you miserable, it will kill you. 00:06:28.455 --> 00:06:29.763 I am not kidding. 00:06:29.763 --> 00:06:32.667 Chronic loneliness increase your lively hood early death 00:06:32.667 --> 00:06:36.658 by 14 percent,14 percent. 00:06:36.658 --> 00:06:40.681 Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high chlosteroral, 00:06:40.681 --> 00:06:45.207 It even suppress the functioning of your immune system, 00:06:45.207 --> 00:06:49.108 make you vulnerable for all kinds of illness and diseases. 00:06:49.108 --> 00:06:53.139 in fact, Scientist concluded that taken together, 00:06:53.139 --> 00:06:55.990 Chronic loneliness poses a significant risk 00:06:55.990 --> 00:07:00.991 for your longterm health and longevity than a cigaret smoking. 00:07:00.991 --> 00:07:05.061 Now cigaret pass the warnings saying this will kill you, 00:07:05.103 --> 00:07:09.400 but the loneliness doesn't. and that 's why it's so important 00:07:09.400 --> 00:07:15.310 we prioritize our psychological health. we practice the emotional hygiene . 00:07:15.310 --> 00:07:19.229 Because you can't treat a psychological wound 00:07:19.252 --> 00:07:22.532 if you don't even know you are injured. 00:07:22.543 --> 00:07:26.484 Loneliness isn't the only psycological wound 00:07:26.484 --> 00:07:29.592 that distorted our perception that misleads us. 00:07:29.592 --> 00:07:32.128 Failure does that as well. 00:07:32.128 --> 00:07:36.110 I once visited daycare center where I saw three toddlers 00:07:36.110 --> 00:07:39.384 play with identical plastic toys, 00:07:39.384 --> 00:07:43.904 you have to slide the red button, a cute dog would pop out. 00:07:43.905 --> 00:07:49.255 one little girl try pulling the purple button, then pushing it, 00:07:49.255 --> 00:07:53.427 then she just sat back and looked at box with her lower lip trembling. 00:07:53.427 --> 00:07:57.667 The little boy next to her, watches this happen, and then turn to 00:07:57.744 --> 00:08:02.034 his box, and bust it out without even touching it. 00:08:02.034 --> 00:08:06.437 mean while, another little girl tried everything she could think of 00:08:06.437 --> 00:08:09.775 until she slid the little red button 00:08:09.775 --> 00:08:12.782 and the cute dog pops out, and she squealed with delight. 00:08:12.782 --> 00:08:15.485 so three toddlers with identical plastic toys 00:08:15.485 --> 00:08:18.227 but very different reactions to failure. 00:08:18.227 --> 00:08:22.278 The first two toddlers was perfectly capable of sliding the red button, 00:08:22.278 --> 00:08:26.790 the only thing that prevent them from 00:08:26.790 --> 00:08:31.930 succeeding was their mind tricked them into believe they could not. 00:08:31.930 --> 00:08:34.970 Now, adults get tricked this way as well all the time. 00:08:34.970 --> 00:08:40.409 In fact we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets tricked 00:08:40.409 --> 00:08:44.645 whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks, are you aware 00:08:44.645 --> 00:08:48.523 how your mind reacts to failure? you need to be. 00:08:48.523 --> 00:08:53.074 Because if your mind tries to convince you that you are incapable of something 00:08:53.074 --> 00:08:57.143 and you believe it, like those two toddlers, 00:08:57.143 --> 00:09:00.551 You begin to feel helpless, you stop try it too soon or 00:09:00.551 --> 00:09:03.493 You won't even try it at all. then you will be even more convinced 00:09:03.493 --> 00:09:06.996 that you can't succeed. You see, that's why so many people 00:09:06.996 --> 00:09:09.865 function below their actual potential. 00:09:09.865 --> 00:09:13.349 because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure 00:09:13.349 --> 00:09:15.889 convinced them they couldn't succeed, 00:09:15.893 --> 00:09:17.483 and they believe it. 00:09:17.483 --> 00:09:20.016 once we become to convinced of something, 00:09:20.016 --> 00:09:22.626 it's very difficult to change our mind. 00:09:22.626 --> 00:09:24.626 I learn that lesson the hard way. 00:09:24.626 --> 00:09:26.291 When I was a teenager with my brother 00:09:26.291 --> 00:09:30.510 We were driving with a friend down a dark road at night, 00:09:30.510 --> 00:09:33.776 when the police car stopped us. they had a robbery in the area, 00:09:33.776 --> 00:09:36.707 they were looking for suspect. The officer approach the car, 00:09:36.707 --> 00:09:40.368 and shooting the flash light on the driver, and my brother in 00:09:40.368 --> 00:09:44.969 the front seat, and then me, his eyes open wide, 00:09:44.969 --> 00:09:46.977 and he said where I seeing your face before, 00:09:46.977 --> 00:09:50.885 (laughing) 00:09:50.885 --> 00:09:53.796 and I said in the front seat. 00:09:53.796 --> 00:09:57.157 (laughing) 00:09:57.157 --> 00:10:00.233 but that made no sense to him what so ever. 00:10:00.233 --> 00:10:03.309 so he thought I was in drugs. 00:10:03.309 --> 00:10:06.385 So he dragged me out of the car, he searched me, he marches me 00:10:06.385 --> 00:10:10.887 to the police car, Only when he verified I don't have a police record. 00:10:11.126 --> 00:10:14.931 and I show him I had a twin in the front seat, 00:10:14.931 --> 00:10:17.648 but even we were driving away, you could see 00:10:17.648 --> 00:10:20.244 by the look on his face, He was convinced 00:10:20.244 --> 00:10:23.385 I was getting away with something. 00:10:23.625 --> 00:10:27.935 Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced, 00:10:27.939 --> 00:10:32.090 so it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated 00:10:32.090 --> 00:10:33.031 after you failed. 00:10:33.031 --> 00:10:36.362 But you can not allow yourself to be convinced 00:10:36.362 --> 00:10:38.082 that you can't succeed. 00:10:38.082 --> 00:10:40.382 You have to fight this feeling of helplessness 00:10:40.382 --> 00:10:42.393 You have to gain control over the situation, 00:10:42.393 --> 00:10:47.621 and you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins. 00:10:48.971 --> 00:10:53.191 Our minds and our feelings, they are not the trust worthing 00:10:53.191 --> 00:10:56.366 friends we thought they were, They are more like a 00:10:56.366 --> 00:11:00.126 really moody friend. Totally support one minute, 00:11:00.126 --> 00:11:03.206 and really unpleasant the next. 00:11:03.206 --> 00:11:08.313 I once work with this woman who has twenty years marriage 00:11:08.313 --> 00:11:11.626 end extremely ugly divorce was finally ready for her first date, 00:11:11.626 --> 00:11:16.018 She has met this guy online, he seems nice and he seems successful, 00:11:16.018 --> 00:11:19.693 and most importantly, he seems really into her. 00:11:19.693 --> 00:11:22.664 She was really excited,and she bought new dress, and 00:11:22.664 --> 00:11:26.697 they met at upscale New York city bar for a drink, 00:11:26.697 --> 00:11:30.238 10 minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, 00:11:30.238 --> 00:11:34.638 I'm not interested and walks out. 00:11:34.638 --> 00:11:39.512 Rejection is extremely painful. the woman was so hurt, 00:11:39.512 --> 00:11:43.167 she could't move. All she could do is call her friend, 00:11:43.167 --> 00:11:47.709 here's what friend says, well, what you expect, 00:11:47.709 --> 00:11:50.722 you have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say, 00:11:50.722 --> 00:11:53.213 why would a handsome successful man like that 00:11:53.213 --> 00:11:57.800 ever go out with a looser like you. 00:11:57.800 --> 00:12:01.744 shocking why a friend would be so cruel. 00:12:01.744 --> 00:12:06.607 but it would be much less shocking if I told you it wan't a friend 00:12:06.607 --> 00:12:10.032 who said that, It was the woman said to herself. 00:12:10.032 --> 00:12:12.520 and that's something we all do. 00:12:12.520 --> 00:12:15.667 Especially up to a rejection, We all start to thinking of 00:12:15.667 --> 00:12:18.341 all our faults and all our shortcomings what we wish we were, 00:12:18.341 --> 00:12:21.699 what we wish we were to be called ourself's names, 00:12:21.699 --> 00:12:23.809 Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it. 00:12:23.839 --> 00:12:28.419 It's interesting we do, because our self esteem is already hurting. 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:33.360 why would we want to go and damage it even further. 00:12:33.360 --> 00:12:35.741 Why? we wouldn't get physical injury worse on purpose . 00:12:35.741 --> 00:12:37.679 We wouldn't get cut on your arm and decide, 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:41.409 oh, I know, I am going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it. 00:12:41.409 --> 00:12:44.943 But we do that with our psychological injury all the time. 00:12:44.943 --> 00:12:49.403 Why? Because poor emotional hygiene. Because we don't priotize our 00:12:49.403 --> 00:12:53.110 Psychological health. We know from dozens of studies, 00:12:53.110 --> 00:12:56.053 When your self-esteem is lower, 00:12:56.056 --> 00:12:59.236 you are more vulnerable, distress and 00:12:59.236 --> 00:13:01.756 to anxiety that failures and rejections hurt more, 00:13:01.756 --> 00:13:04.935 and it takes longer to recover from them. 00:13:04.935 --> 00:13:08.265 So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing is to revive 00:13:08.265 --> 00:13:12.554 yourself's esteem, not join fight club and beat it into a perk. 00:13:12.554 --> 00:13:17.054 when you are in a emotional pain, 00:13:17.059 --> 00:13:21.572 treat yourself with same compassion you expected to make truly good friend . 00:13:24.132 --> 00:13:28.042 We have to catch our un-healthy psychological habits and change them. 00:13:28.128 --> 00:13:33.108 One of un-healthiest most common is called Rumination. 00:13:33.108 --> 00:13:37.823 To ruminate, means to chew over. It's when your boss's yells at you, 00:13:37.860 --> 00:13:42.231 or your professor makes you feel stupid, In class, you have big fight 00:13:42.231 --> 00:13:47.321 with your friend, and you just can't replay the scene in your head for days, 00:13:47.438 --> 00:13:51.757 sometimes for weeks then. Now ruminating about upsetting event in this way 00:13:51.757 --> 00:13:55.865 can easily become habit, and it's very costly one. 00:13:55.865 --> 00:14:00.242 Because by spending so much time focus on upsetting, negative thoughts, 00:14:00.242 --> 00:14:04.552 You are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing 00:14:04.580 --> 00:14:08.689 clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders and even cardiac vescular 00:14:08.689 --> 00:14:14.239 Cardio vesicular disease. The problem is the urge to ruminate can feel 00:14:14.239 --> 00:14:18.429 really strong, really important, so it's a difficult habit to stop. 00:14:18.429 --> 00:14:22.841 I know this for a fact. because little over a year ago, 00:14:22.841 --> 00:14:25.510 I developed the habit myself. 00:14:25.510 --> 00:14:28.369 You see my twin brother was diagnosed 00:14:28.369 --> 00:14:31.870 with stage III Non-Hodgkin's lymphomaďź 00:14:31.870 --> 00:14:33.983 his cancer was extremly aggressive , 00:14:33.983 --> 00:14:36.904 He has invisible tumors all over his body. 00:14:36.904 --> 00:14:41.835 and he has to start harsh douse of Chemo-Therapy, 00:14:41.835 --> 00:14:45.357 and I couldn't stop thinking about what he is going through, 00:14:45.364 --> 00:14:50.054 I could't stop thinking how much he is suffering. Even though 00:14:50.222 --> 00:14:55.072 he never complained not once. 00:14:55.072 --> 00:14:58.920 He has this incredible positive attitude. 00:14:58.920 --> 00:15:02.584 His psychological health is amazing. I was physically healthy, 00:15:02.584 --> 00:15:06.748 but Psychologically i was a mass. but I knew what to do. 00:15:06.748 --> 00:15:11.758 Studies tell us, even a two minutes distraction is sufficient to break the 00:15:11.920 --> 00:15:15.330 break the urge to Ruminate in that moment. 00:15:15.388 --> 00:15:19.155 So each time i had worrying and upsetting 00:15:19.155 --> 00:15:22.257 negative thought, I force myself to concentrate on something else 00:15:22.257 --> 00:15:25.833 until the urge passed, and within one week, 00:15:25.833 --> 00:15:30.703 My whole outlook changed, and became more positive and more helpful. 00:15:31.719 --> 00:15:36.649 Nine weeks after he started Chemo-Therapy, my brother had Cat-scan, 00:15:36.744 --> 00:15:39.880 I was by his side when he got back his results. 00:15:39.880 --> 00:15:44.993 All the tumors were gone. He still has three more Rounds Chemo-Therapy to go. 00:15:44.993 --> 00:15:47.731 But we knew he would recover. 00:15:47.731 --> 00:15:52.489 this picture was taken two weeks ago. 00:15:54.019 --> 00:15:56.847 By taking action when you lonely, 00:15:56.847 --> 00:16:00.225 by changing your response to failure, 00:16:00.225 --> 00:16:03.157 by protecting yourself esteem, 00:16:03.157 --> 00:16:05.649 by battling negative thinking, 00:16:05.649 --> 00:16:08.957 You won't just heal your psychological wound, 00:16:08.957 --> 00:16:12.174 you will bulid your emotional resilience, you will thrive. 00:16:12.174 --> 00:16:16.794 You know hundred years ago, People began practicing personal Hygiene, 00:16:16.794 --> 00:16:22.759 and life expectancy rates rose by over fifty percent in 00:16:22.759 --> 00:16:27.467 just matter of decades. I believe our quality of life 00:16:27.467 --> 00:16:29.962 could rise just as dramatically if 00:16:29.962 --> 00:16:32.979 we all begin practicing emotional Hygiene. 00:16:32.979 --> 00:16:36.589 Can you imaging, can you imaging what the world would be like 00:16:36.589 --> 00:16:39.148 if everyone was psychologically healthier, 00:16:39.148 --> 00:16:43.443 if there were less loneliness, and less depression. 00:16:43.443 --> 00:16:46.934 If people knew how to overcome failure,if they feel better 00:16:46.934 --> 00:16:49.494 about themselves, and more empowered, 00:16:49.494 --> 00:16:53.490 if they were happier, and more fulfilled, I can, because 00:16:53.490 --> 00:16:57.553 That's the world I want live in, and that's the world 00:16:57.553 --> 00:17:02.523 my brother wants to live in as well. If you just become informed, 00:17:02.549 --> 00:17:06.540 and change a few simple habits, well 00:17:06.540 --> 00:17:09.631 and that's the world we all can live in. 00:17:09.631 --> 00:17:13.351 Thank you very much.