[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.03,0:00:06.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grew up with my identical twin,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.54,0:00:09.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who was an incredibly loving brother.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.71,0:00:14.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, one thing about being a twin \Nis that it makes you an expert
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.12,0:00:16.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at spotting favoritism.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.73,0:00:22.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If his cookie was even slightly bigger \Nthan my cookie, I had questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.50,0:00:26.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And clearly, I wasn't starving.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.93,0:00:28.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.96,0:00:34.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I became a psychologist, I began to\Nnotice favoritism of a different kind,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.40,0:00:40.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is how much more we\Nvalue the body than we do the mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.28,0:00:46.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent nine years at university earning\Nmy doctorate in psychology,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.34,0:00:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can't tell you how many people \Nlook at my business card and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.77,0:00:55.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, a psychologist. \NSo not a real doctor,"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.30,0:00:58.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if it should say that on my card.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.78,0:01:03.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.37,0:01:08.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This favoritism we show the body \Nover the mind, I see it everywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.54,0:01:11.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I recently was at a friend's house,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.41,0:01:14.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and their five-year-old\Nwas getting ready for bed.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.21,0:01:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was standing on a stool \Nby the sink brushing his teeth,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.98,0:01:21.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when he slipped, and scratched his leg \Non the stool when he fell.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.66,0:01:24.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He cried for a minute, \Nbut then he got back up,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.40,0:01:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,got back on the stool, and reached out for\Na box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.54,0:01:35.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this kid could barely \Ntie his shoelaces,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.39,0:01:39.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but he knew you have to cover a cut,\Nso it doesn't become infected,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.59,0:01:43.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you have to care for\Nyour teeth by brushing twice a day.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.42,0:01:46.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all know how to maintain\Nour physical health
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.37,0:01:48.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.91,0:01:52.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've known it since\Nwe were five years old.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.100,0:01:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what do we know about maintaining\Nour psychological health?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.65,0:01:59.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.78,0:02:03.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do we teach our children\Nabout emotional hygiene?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.62,0:02:06.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.77,0:02:11.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How is it that we spend more time\Ntaking care of our teeth
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.24,0:02:14.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than we do our minds.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.38,0:02:18.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why is it that our physical health is\Nso much more important to us
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.68,0:02:21.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than our psychological health?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.39,0:02:26.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We sustain psychological injuries\Neven more often than we do physical ones,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.72,0:02:31.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,injuries like failure\Nor rejection or loneliness.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.48,0:02:34.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they can also get\Nworse if we ignore them,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.06,0:02:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they can impact our lives\Nin dramatic ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.28,0:02:41.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, even though there are \Nscientifically proven techniques
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.37,0:02:45.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we could use to treat these\Nkinds of psychological injuries,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.74,0:02:47.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.13,0:02:50.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't even occur to us \Nthat we should.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.43,0:02:54.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, you're feeling depressed?\NJust shake it off; it's all in your head."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.95,0:02:58.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can you imagine saying that\Nto somebody with a broken leg:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.22,0:03:01.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, just walk it off;\Nit's all in your leg."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.48,0:03:03.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.45,0:03:09.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is time we closed the gap between\Nour physical and our psychological health.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.10,0:03:12.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's time we made them more equal, \N
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.20,0:03:15.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more like twins.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.06,0:03:18.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speaking of which, \Nmy brother is also a psychologist.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.71,0:03:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he's not a real doctor, either.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.90,0:03:23.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.65,0:03:25.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We didn't study together, though.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.70,0:03:29.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, the hardest thing \NI've ever done in my life
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.84,0:03:32.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is move across the Atlantic \Nto New York City
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.83,0:03:35.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to get my doctorate in psychology.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.82,0:03:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We were apart then\Nfor the first time in our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.80,0:03:42.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the separation was \Nbrutal for both of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.30,0:03:45.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But while he remained among\Nfamily and friends,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.46,0:03:48.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was alone in a new country.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.68,0:03:50.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We missed each other terribly,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.15,0:03:53.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but international phone calls were\Nreally expensive then
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.47,0:03:57.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we could only afford to speak\Nfor five minutes a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.80,0:04:00.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When our birthday rolled around,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.40,0:04:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was the first we wouldn't\Nbe spending together.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.84,0:04:07.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We decide to splurge, and that week\Nwe would talk for 10 minutes.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.29,0:04:11.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent the morning pacing around my room,\Nwaiting for him to call --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.21,0:04:17.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and waiting and waiting, \Nbut the phone didn't ring.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.69,0:04:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Given the time difference, I assumed,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.17,0:04:22.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ok, he's out with friends, \Nhe will call later."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.81,0:04:24.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There were no cell phones then.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.85,0:04:27.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.04,0:04:32.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I began to realize that after \Nbeing away for over 10 months,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.02,0:04:35.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he no longer missed me \Nthe way I missed him.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.83,0:04:37.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew he would call in the morning,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.71,0:04:44.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that night was one of the\Nsaddest and longest nights of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.58,0:04:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I woke up the next morning.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.86,0:04:51.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I glanced down at the phone, and \NI realized I had kicked it off the hook
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.14,0:04:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when pacing the day before.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.61,0:04:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stumbled out off bed,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.48,0:04:59.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I put the phone back on the receiver,\Nand it rang a second later,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.63,0:05:03.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was my brother,\Nand, boy, was he pissed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.61,0:05:05.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.53,0:05:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was the saddest and longest \Nnight of his life as well.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.97,0:05:11.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I tried to explain what\Nhappened, but he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.56,0:05:14.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't understand. \NIf you saw I wasn't calling you,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.59,0:05:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why didn't you just pick up \Nthe phone and call me?"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.40,0:05:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was right. Why didn't I call him?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.54,0:05:26.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't have an answer then,\Nbut I do today,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.59,0:05:31.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's a simple one: loneliness.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.64,0:05:35.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Loneliness creates a\Ndeep psychological wound,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.93,0:05:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one that distorts our perceptions\Nand scrambles our thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.88,0:05:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes us believe that those around us\Ncare much less than they actually do.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.52,0:05:48.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It make us really afraid to reach out,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.35,0:05:51.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because why set yourself up\Nfor rejection and heartache
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.80,0:05:56.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when your heart is already aching\Nmore than you can stand?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.27,0:05:59.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in the grips of real \Nloneliness back then,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.54,0:06:04.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I was surrounded by people all day,\Nso it never occurred to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.04,0:06:08.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But loneliness is defined \Npurely subjectively.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.69,0:06:11.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It depends solely on whether you feel
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.54,0:06:15.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,emotionally or socially disconnected\Nfrom those around you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.11,0:06:16.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.90,0:06:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is a lot of research on loneliness,\Nand all of it is horrifying.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.36,0:06:27.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Loneliness won't just make you\Nmiserable, it will kill you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.52,0:06:28.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not kidding.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.93,0:06:32.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Chronic loneliness increases your \Nlikelihood of an early death
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.67,0:06:36.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by 14 percent.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.66,0:06:40.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Loneliness causes high blood pressure,\Nhigh cholesterol.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.68,0:06:44.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It even suppress the functioning\Nof your immune system,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.56,0:06:48.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,making you vulnerable to all kinds \Nof illnesses and diseases.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.81,0:06:52.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, scientists have concluded \Nthat taken together,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.37,0:06:55.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,chronic loneliness poses as \Nsignificant a risk\N
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.99,0:07:00.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for your longterm health and \Nlongevity as cigarette smoking.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.38,0:07:05.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now cigarette packs come with warnings\Nsaying, "This could kill you."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.03,0:07:07.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But loneliness doesn't.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.40,0:07:11.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's why it's so important that\Nwe prioritize our psychological health,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.91,0:07:15.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we practice emotional hygiene.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.31,0:07:18.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because you can't treat \Na psychological wound
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.28,0:07:21.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you don't even know you're injured.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.15,0:07:24.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Loneliness isn't the only \Npsychological wound
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.94,0:07:28.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that distorts our perceptions \Nand misleads us.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.41,0:07:31.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Failure does that as well.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.82,0:07:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I once visited a day care center,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.00,0:07:39.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I saw three toddlers\Nplay with identical plastic toys.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.20,0:07:43.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You had to slide the red button,\Nand a cute doggie would pop out.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.90,0:07:48.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One little girl tried pulling the\Npurple button, then pushing it,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.56,0:07:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then she just sat back and looked \Nat the box, with her lower lip trembling.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.92,0:07:56.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The little boy next to her \Nwatched this happen,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.10,0:08:01.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then turned to his box and and burst \Ninto tears without even touching it.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.36,0:08:04.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meanwhile, another little girl tried \Neverything she could think of
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.61,0:08:06.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until she slid the red button,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.42,0:08:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the cute doggie popped out,\Nand she squealed with delight.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.53,0:08:13.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So three toddlers with \Nidentical plastic toys,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.92,0:08:17.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but with very different \Nreactions to failure.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.96,0:08:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first two toddlers were perfectly\Ncapable of sliding a red button.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.28,0:08:25.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only thing that prevented\Nthem from succeeding
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.59,0:08:29.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was that their mind tricked them\Ninto believing they could not.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.92,0:08:33.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, adults get tricked this way \Nas well, all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.97,0:08:40.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, we all have a default set of \Nfeelings and beliefs that gets triggered
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.41,0:08:43.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whenever we encounter \Nfrustrations and setbacks.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.58,0:08:46.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you aware of how \Nyour mind reacts to failure?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.70,0:08:48.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.03,0:08:52.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because if your mind tries to convince you\Nyou're incapable of something
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.31,0:08:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you believe it,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.96,0:08:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then like those two toddlers,\Nyou'll begin to feel helpless
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.26,0:09:00.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you'll stop trying too soon,\Nor you won't even try at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.86,0:09:03.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you'll be even more \Nconvinced you can't succeed.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.97,0:09:08.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, that's why so many people\Nfunction below their actual potential.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.58,0:09:12.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because somewhere along the way, \Nsometimes a single failure
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.26,0:09:15.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,convinced them that they couldn't \Nsucceed, and they believed it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.89,0:09:21.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Once we become convinced of something,\Nit's very difficult to change our mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.97,0:09:26.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I learned that lesson the hard way\Nwhen I was a teenager with my brother.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.03,0:09:29.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We were driving with friends \Ndown a dark road at night,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.39,0:09:30.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when a police car stopped us.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.93,0:09:34.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There had been a robbery in the area\Nand they were looking for suspects.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.34,0:09:38.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The officer approached the car, and he\Nshined his flashlight on the driver,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.29,0:09:42.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then on my brother in the front seat,\Nand then on me.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.57,0:09:44.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And his eyes opened wide and he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.77,0:09:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Where have I seen your face before?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.98,0:09:50.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.08,0:09:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "In the front seat."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.80,0:09:56.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.31,0:09:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that made no sense\Nto him whatsoever.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.81,0:10:01.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now he thought I was on drugs.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.14,0:10:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.27,0:10:04.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he drags me out of the car,\Nhe searches me,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.80,0:10:06.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he marches me over to the police car,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.80,0:10:09.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and only when he verified\NI didn't have a police record,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.76,0:10:14.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could I show him \NI had a twin in the front seat.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.23,0:10:17.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But even as we were driving away, \Nyou could see by the look on his face
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.65,0:10:22.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he was convinced that I was\Ngetting away with something.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.66,0:10:26.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our mind is hard to change \Nonce we become convinced.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.67,0:10:31.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it might be very natural to feel\Ndemoralized and defeated after you fail.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.43,0:10:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you cannot allow yourself to become \Nconvinced you can't succeed.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.24,0:10:38.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to fight \Nfeelings of helplessness.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.83,0:10:42.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to gain control\Nover the situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.39,0:10:46.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you have to break this kind of \Nnegative cycle before it begins.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.19,0:10:50.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our minds and our feelings,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.54,0:10:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're not the trustworthy friends\Nwe thought they were.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.64,0:10:56.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are more like a really moody friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.37,0:11:01.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who can be totally supportive one minute,\Nand really unpleasant the next.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.81,0:11:03.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I once worked with this woman
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.69,0:11:07.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who after 20 years marriage\Nand an extremely ugly divorce,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.97,0:11:10.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was finally ready for her first date.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.33,0:11:14.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She had met this guy online, and he\Nseemed nice and he seemed successful,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.96,0:11:18.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most importantly, \Nhe seemed really into her.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.51,0:11:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So she was very excited, \Nshe bought a new dress,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.58,0:11:25.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they met at an upscale\NNew York City bar for a drink.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.67,0:11:29.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ten minutes into the date, \Nthe man stands up and says,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.24,0:11:33.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm not interested," and walks out.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.32,0:11:37.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rejection is extremely painful.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.57,0:11:42.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. \NAll she could do was call a friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.02,0:11:46.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's what the friend said:\N"Well, what do you expect?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.75,0:11:50.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have big hips,\Nyou have nothing interesting to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.22,0:11:52.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why would a handsome, \Nsuccessful man like that
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.85,0:11:56.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ever go out with a loser like you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.93,0:12:00.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shocking, right, that a friend \Ncould be so cruel?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.02,0:12:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it would be much less shocking
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.68,0:12:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I told you it wasn't \Nthe friend who said that.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.56,0:12:08.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's what the woman said to herself.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.51,0:12:13.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's something we all do, \Nespecially after a rejection.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.01,0:12:16.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all start thinking of all our faults\Nand all our shortcomings,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.56,0:12:18.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what we wish we were, \Nwhat we wish we weren't,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.79,0:12:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we call ourselves names.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.17,0:12:23.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.53,0:12:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's interesting that we do, because\Nour self-esteem is already hurting.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.38,0:12:31.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would we want to go \Nand damage it even further?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.34,0:12:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We wouldn't make a physical injury \Nworse on purpose.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.98,0:12:36.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You wouldn't get a cut on your arm \Nand decide, "Oh, I know!
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.91,0:12:40.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to take a knife and see\Nhow much deeper I can make it."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.52,0:12:43.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we do that with psychological\Ninjuries all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.97,0:12:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.66,0:12:50.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because we don't prioritize \Nour psychological health.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.39,0:12:54.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We know from dozens of studies\Nthat when your self-esteem is lower,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.25,0:12:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are more vulnerable to \Nstress and to anxiety,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.92,0:13:03.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that failures and rejections hurt more\Nand it takes longer to recover from them.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.15,0:13:06.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when you get rejected, \Nthe first thing you should be doing
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.32,0:13:12.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to revive your self-esteem, not \Njoin Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.55,0:13:15.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you're in emotional pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.46,0:13:21.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,treat yourself with the same compassion \Nyou would expect from a truly good friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.12,0:13:27.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to catch our unhealthy \Npsychological habits and change them.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.56,0:13:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of unhealthiest and most common\Nis called rumination.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.23,0:13:34.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To ruminate means to chew over.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.99,0:13:39.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's when your boss yells at you, or your \Nprofessor makes you feel stupid in class,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.36,0:13:41.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or you have big fight with a friend
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.55,0:13:45.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you just can't stop replaying\Nthe scene in your head for days,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.97,0:13:47.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes for weeks on end.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.94,0:13:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ruminating about upsetting events\Nin this way can easily become a habit,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.64,0:13:55.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's a very costly one.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.73,0:13:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because by spending so much time focused\Non upsetting and negative thoughts,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.92,0:14:02.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are actually putting yourself\Nat significant risk
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.89,0:14:07.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for developing clinical depression, \Nalcoholism, eating disorders,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.43,0:14:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even cardiovascular disease.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.15,0:14:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is the urge to ruminate can\Nfeel really strong and really important,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.02,0:14:18.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so it's a difficult habit to stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.43,0:14:21.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know this for a fact, \Nbecause a little over a year ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.80,0:14:24.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I developed the habit myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.35,0:14:30.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, my twin brother was diagnosed\Nwith stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.83,0:14:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His cancer was extremly aggressive.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.13,0:14:36.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He had visible tumors all over his body.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.90,0:14:41.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he had to start\Na harsh course of chemotherapy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.84,0:14:46.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I couldn't stop thinking about \Nwhat he was going through.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.50,0:14:49.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't stop thinking about \Nhow much he was suffering,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.73,0:14:54.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though he never complained, not once.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:54.33,0:14:56.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He had this incredibly positive attitude.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.75,0:15:00.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His psychological health was amazing.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.38,0:15:04.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was physically healthy, \Nbut psychologically I was a mess.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.52,0:15:06.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I knew what to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.75,0:15:10.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Studies tell us that even a two-minute\Ndistraction is sufficient
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.91,0:15:13.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to break the urge to ruminate\Nin that moment.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.97,0:15:17.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so each time I had a worrying, \Nupsetting, negative thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.46,0:15:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I forced myself to concentrate on\Nsomething else until the urge passed.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.26,0:15:26.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And within one week, \Nmy whole outlook changed
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.60,0:15:30.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and became more positive \Nand more hopeful.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.57,0:15:35.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,\Nmy brother had a CAT scan,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.62,0:15:39.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was by his side when \Nhe got the results.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.26,0:15:42.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All the tumors were gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.50,0:15:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He still had three more rounds \Nof chemotherapy to go,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.11,0:15:47.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we knew he would recover.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.73,0:15:51.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This picture was taken two weeks ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.76,0:15:56.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By taking action when you're lonely,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:56.85,0:16:00.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by changing your responses to failure,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.22,0:16:03.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by protecting your self-esteem,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.16,0:16:05.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by battling negative thinking,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.19,0:16:07.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you won't just heal your\Npsychological wounds,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:07.89,0:16:11.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will build emotional resilience,\Nyou will thrive.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.87,0:16:16.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A hundred years ago, \Npeople began practicing personal hygiene,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.79,0:16:21.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and life expectancy rates rose \Nby over 50 percent
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.12,0:16:23.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in just a matter of decades.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.58,0:16:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe our quality of life\Ncould rise just as dramatically
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.92,0:16:31.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we all began practicing \Nemotional hygiene.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.57,0:16:33.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can you imagine what\Nthe world would be like
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.76,0:16:37.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if everyone was psychologically healthier?\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:37.09,0:16:40.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If there were less loneliness \Nand less depression?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.38,0:16:43.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If people knew how to overcome failure?\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.22,0:16:46.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they felt better about themselves\Nand more empowered?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.27,0:16:49.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they were happier and more fulfilled?\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:49.52,0:16:53.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can, because that's the world\NI want to live in,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.83,0:16:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's the world my brother\Nwants to live in as well.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.42,0:17:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you just become informed\Nand change a few simple habits,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.50,0:17:06.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well, that's the world we can all live in.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.38,0:17:08.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.29,0:17:11.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)