WEBVTT 00:00:03.034 --> 00:00:06.541 I grew up with my identical twin, 00:00:06.541 --> 00:00:09.708 who was an incredibly loving brother. 00:00:09.708 --> 00:00:14.115 Now, one thing about being a twin is that it makes you an expert 00:00:14.115 --> 00:00:16.730 at spotting favoritism. 00:00:16.730 --> 00:00:22.500 If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions. 00:00:22.500 --> 00:00:26.920 And clearly, I wasn't starving. 00:00:26.929 --> 00:00:28.955 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:28.955 --> 00:00:34.403 When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind, 00:00:34.403 --> 00:00:40.283 and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind. 00:00:40.283 --> 00:00:46.340 I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology, 00:00:46.340 --> 00:00:50.760 and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say, 00:00:50.768 --> 00:00:55.304 "Oh, a psychologist. So not a real doctor," 00:00:55.304 --> 00:00:58.781 as if it should say that on my card. 00:00:58.781 --> 00:01:03.372 (Laughter) 00:01:03.372 --> 00:01:08.935 This favoritism we show the body over the mind, I see it everywhere. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:09.535 --> 00:01:11.409 I recently was at a friend's house, 00:01:11.409 --> 00:01:14.209 and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed. 00:01:14.209 --> 00:01:17.982 He was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth, 00:01:17.982 --> 00:01:21.661 when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell. 00:01:21.661 --> 00:01:24.397 He cried for a minute, but then he got back up, 00:01:24.397 --> 00:01:31.543 got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut. 00:01:31.543 --> 00:01:35.392 Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces, 00:01:35.392 --> 00:01:39.590 but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected, 00:01:39.590 --> 00:01:43.425 and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day. 00:01:43.425 --> 00:01:46.369 We all know how to maintain our physical health 00:01:46.369 --> 00:01:48.908 and how to practice dental hygiene, right? 00:01:48.908 --> 00:01:52.998 We've known it since we were five years old. 00:01:52.998 --> 00:01:57.646 But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? 00:01:57.646 --> 00:01:59.778 Well, nothing. 00:01:59.778 --> 00:02:03.568 What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? 00:02:04.621 --> 00:02:06.257 Nothing. 00:02:06.767 --> 00:02:11.239 How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth 00:02:11.239 --> 00:02:14.385 than we do our minds. 00:02:14.385 --> 00:02:18.682 Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us 00:02:18.682 --> 00:02:21.393 than our psychological health? NOTE Paragraph 00:02:21.393 --> 00:02:26.719 We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, 00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:31.483 injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. 00:02:31.483 --> 00:02:34.055 And they can also get worse if we ignore them, 00:02:34.055 --> 00:02:37.285 and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. 00:02:37.285 --> 00:02:41.371 And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques 00:02:41.371 --> 00:02:45.740 we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, 00:02:45.740 --> 00:02:47.132 we don't. 00:02:47.132 --> 00:02:50.434 It doesn't even occur to us that we should. 00:02:50.434 --> 00:02:54.947 "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head." 00:02:54.947 --> 00:02:58.215 Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: 00:02:58.215 --> 00:03:01.479 "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg." 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:03.448 (Laughter) 00:03:03.448 --> 00:03:09.101 It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health. 00:03:09.101 --> 00:03:12.197 It's time we made them more equal, 00:03:12.197 --> 00:03:15.063 more like twins. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:15.063 --> 00:03:18.709 Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. 00:03:18.709 --> 00:03:21.897 So he's not a real doctor, either. 00:03:21.897 --> 00:03:23.649 (Laughter) 00:03:23.649 --> 00:03:25.704 We didn't study together, though. 00:03:25.704 --> 00:03:29.845 In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life 00:03:29.845 --> 00:03:32.831 is move across the Atlantic to New York City 00:03:32.831 --> 00:03:35.817 to get my doctorate in psychology. 00:03:35.817 --> 00:03:38.803 We were apart then for the first time in our lives, 00:03:38.803 --> 00:03:42.295 and the separation was brutal for both of us. 00:03:42.295 --> 00:03:45.464 But while he remained among family and friends, 00:03:45.464 --> 00:03:48.680 I was alone in a new country. 00:03:48.680 --> 00:03:50.146 We missed each other terribly, 00:03:50.146 --> 00:03:53.473 but international phone calls were really expensive then 00:03:53.473 --> 00:03:57.799 and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week. 00:03:57.799 --> 00:04:00.403 When our birthday rolled around, 00:04:00.403 --> 00:04:02.840 it was the first we wouldn't be spending together. 00:04:02.840 --> 00:04:07.291 We decide to splurge, and that week we would talk for 10 minutes. 00:04:07.291 --> 00:04:11.209 I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call -- 00:04:11.209 --> 00:04:17.692 and waiting and waiting, but the phone didn't ring. 00:04:17.692 --> 00:04:20.167 Given the time difference, I assumed, 00:04:20.167 --> 00:04:22.808 "Ok, he's out with friends, he will call later." 00:04:22.808 --> 00:04:24.853 There were no cell phones then. 00:04:24.853 --> 00:04:27.038 But he didn't. 00:04:27.038 --> 00:04:32.023 And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months, 00:04:32.023 --> 00:04:35.833 he no longer missed me the way I missed him. 00:04:35.833 --> 00:04:37.709 I knew he would call in the morning, 00:04:37.709 --> 00:04:44.585 but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life. 00:04:44.585 --> 00:04:46.862 I woke up the next morning. 00:04:46.862 --> 00:04:51.137 I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook 00:04:51.137 --> 00:04:54.613 when pacing the day before. 00:04:54.613 --> 00:04:56.476 I stumbled out off bed, 00:04:56.476 --> 00:04:59.633 I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later, 00:04:59.633 --> 00:05:03.606 and it was my brother, and, boy, was he pissed. 00:05:03.606 --> 00:05:05.528 (Laughter) 00:05:05.528 --> 00:05:08.968 It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well. 00:05:08.968 --> 00:05:11.560 Now I tried to explain what happened, but he said, 00:05:11.560 --> 00:05:14.588 "I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you, 00:05:14.588 --> 00:05:19.399 why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?" 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:23.544 He was right. Why didn't I call him? 00:05:23.544 --> 00:05:26.587 I didn't have an answer then, but I do today, 00:05:26.587 --> 00:05:31.642 and it's a simple one: loneliness. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:31.642 --> 00:05:35.926 Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, 00:05:35.926 --> 00:05:39.883 one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. 00:05:39.883 --> 00:05:45.522 It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. 00:05:45.522 --> 00:05:48.352 It make us really afraid to reach out, 00:05:48.352 --> 00:05:51.802 because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache 00:05:51.802 --> 00:05:56.274 when your heart is already aching more than you can stand? 00:05:56.274 --> 00:05:59.538 I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, 00:05:59.538 --> 00:06:04.039 but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. 00:06:04.039 --> 00:06:08.694 But loneliness is defined purely subjectively. 00:06:08.694 --> 00:06:11.539 It depends solely on whether you feel 00:06:11.539 --> 00:06:15.114 emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. 00:06:15.114 --> 00:06:16.899 And I did. 00:06:16.899 --> 00:06:23.363 There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying. 00:06:23.363 --> 00:06:27.515 Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you. 00:06:27.515 --> 00:06:28.933 I'm not kidding. 00:06:28.933 --> 00:06:32.667 Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death 00:06:32.667 --> 00:06:36.658 by 14 percent. 00:06:36.658 --> 00:06:40.681 Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol. 00:06:40.681 --> 00:06:44.557 It even suppress the functioning of your immune system, 00:06:44.557 --> 00:06:48.808 making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases. 00:06:48.808 --> 00:06:52.369 In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together, 00:06:52.369 --> 00:06:55.990 chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk 00:06:55.990 --> 00:07:00.381 for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking. 00:07:00.381 --> 00:07:05.033 Now cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you." 00:07:05.033 --> 00:07:07.405 But loneliness doesn't. 00:07:07.405 --> 00:07:11.907 And that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health, 00:07:11.907 --> 00:07:15.310 that we practice emotional hygiene. 00:07:15.310 --> 00:07:18.282 Because you can't treat a psychological wound 00:07:18.282 --> 00:07:21.512 if you don't even know you're injured. 00:07:22.153 --> 00:07:24.944 Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound 00:07:24.944 --> 00:07:28.412 that distorts our perceptions and misleads us. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:28.412 --> 00:07:31.818 Failure does that as well. 00:07:31.818 --> 00:07:34.000 I once visited a day care center, 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:39.204 where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys. 00:07:39.204 --> 00:07:43.904 You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out. 00:07:43.905 --> 00:07:48.555 One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it, 00:07:48.555 --> 00:07:52.917 and then she just sat back and looked at the box, with her lower lip trembling. 00:07:52.917 --> 00:07:56.104 The little boy next to her watched this happen, 00:07:56.104 --> 00:08:01.364 then turned to his box and and burst into tears without even touching it. 00:08:01.364 --> 00:08:04.607 Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of 00:08:04.607 --> 00:08:06.415 until she slid the red button, 00:08:06.415 --> 00:08:10.532 the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight. 00:08:10.532 --> 00:08:13.925 So three toddlers with identical plastic toys, 00:08:13.925 --> 00:08:17.957 but with very different reactions to failure. 00:08:17.957 --> 00:08:22.278 The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button. 00:08:22.278 --> 00:08:25.590 The only thing that prevented them from succeeding 00:08:25.590 --> 00:08:29.920 was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not. 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.970 Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time. 00:08:33.970 --> 00:08:40.409 In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered 00:08:40.409 --> 00:08:43.585 whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:43.585 --> 00:08:46.704 Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? 00:08:46.704 --> 00:08:48.033 You need to be. 00:08:48.033 --> 00:08:52.314 Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something 00:08:52.314 --> 00:08:53.963 and you believe it, 00:08:53.963 --> 00:08:57.261 then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless 00:08:57.261 --> 00:09:00.859 and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all. 00:09:00.859 --> 00:09:03.967 And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed. 00:09:03.967 --> 00:09:08.585 You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential. 00:09:08.585 --> 00:09:12.259 Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure 00:09:12.259 --> 00:09:15.889 convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:15.893 --> 00:09:21.966 Once we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind. 00:09:21.966 --> 00:09:26.031 I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother. 00:09:26.031 --> 00:09:29.390 We were driving with friends down a dark road at night, 00:09:29.390 --> 00:09:30.932 when a police car stopped us. 00:09:30.932 --> 00:09:34.344 There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects. 00:09:34.344 --> 00:09:38.287 The officer approached the car, and he shined his flashlight on the driver, 00:09:38.287 --> 00:09:42.571 then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me. 00:09:42.571 --> 00:09:44.774 And his eyes opened wide and he said, 00:09:44.774 --> 00:09:46.977 "Where have I seen your face before?" 00:09:46.977 --> 00:09:50.075 (Laughter) 00:09:50.075 --> 00:09:53.796 And I said, "In the front seat." 00:09:53.796 --> 00:09:56.307 (Laughter) 00:09:56.307 --> 00:09:58.813 But that made no sense to him whatsoever. 00:09:58.813 --> 00:10:01.137 So now he thought I was on drugs. 00:10:01.137 --> 00:10:02.271 (Laughter) 00:10:02.271 --> 00:10:04.795 So he drags me out of the car, he searches me, 00:10:04.795 --> 00:10:06.800 he marches me over to the police car, 00:10:06.800 --> 00:10:09.765 and only when he verified I didn't have a police record, 00:10:09.765 --> 00:10:14.231 could I show him I had a twin in the front seat. 00:10:14.231 --> 00:10:17.648 But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face 00:10:17.648 --> 00:10:22.654 he was convinced that I was getting away with something. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:22.655 --> 00:10:26.669 Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced. 00:10:26.669 --> 00:10:31.431 So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail. 00:10:31.431 --> 00:10:36.242 But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed. 00:10:36.242 --> 00:10:38.832 You have to fight feelings of helplessness. 00:10:38.832 --> 00:10:42.393 You have to gain control over the situation. 00:10:42.393 --> 00:10:46.901 And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins. 00:10:48.191 --> 00:10:50.536 Our minds and our feelings, 00:10:50.536 --> 00:10:53.641 they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were. 00:10:53.641 --> 00:10:56.366 They are more like a really moody friend, 00:10:56.366 --> 00:11:01.811 who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next. 00:11:01.811 --> 00:11:03.686 I once worked with this woman 00:11:03.686 --> 00:11:07.973 who after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce, 00:11:07.973 --> 00:11:10.326 was finally ready for her first date. 00:11:10.326 --> 00:11:14.958 She had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful, 00:11:14.958 --> 00:11:18.513 and most importantly, he seemed really into her. 00:11:18.513 --> 00:11:21.584 So she was very excited, she bought a new dress, 00:11:21.584 --> 00:11:25.667 and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink. 00:11:25.667 --> 00:11:29.238 Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, 00:11:29.238 --> 00:11:33.318 "I'm not interested," and walks out. 00:11:33.318 --> 00:11:37.572 Rejection is extremely painful. 00:11:37.572 --> 00:11:42.017 The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend. 00:11:42.017 --> 00:11:46.749 Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect? 00:11:46.749 --> 00:11:50.222 You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say, 00:11:50.222 --> 00:11:52.846 why would a handsome, successful man like that 00:11:52.846 --> 00:11:56.930 ever go out with a loser like you?" 00:11:56.930 --> 00:12:00.025 Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel? 00:12:00.025 --> 00:12:02.680 But it would be much less shocking 00:12:02.680 --> 00:12:05.557 if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that. 00:12:05.557 --> 00:12:08.512 It's what the woman said to herself. 00:12:08.512 --> 00:12:13.010 And that's something we all do, especially after a rejection. 00:12:13.010 --> 00:12:16.557 We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings, 00:12:16.557 --> 00:12:18.791 what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't, 00:12:18.791 --> 00:12:20.169 we call ourselves names. 00:12:20.169 --> 00:12:23.529 Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it. 00:12:23.529 --> 00:12:28.380 And it's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting. 00:12:28.380 --> 00:12:31.340 Why would we want to go and damage it even further? 00:12:31.340 --> 00:12:33.981 We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose. 00:12:33.981 --> 00:12:36.910 You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know! 00:12:36.910 --> 00:12:40.519 I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it." NOTE Paragraph 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:43.973 But we do that with psychological injuries all the time. 00:12:43.973 --> 00:12:47.665 Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene. 00:12:47.665 --> 00:12:50.387 Because we don't prioritize our psychological health. 00:12:50.387 --> 00:12:54.250 We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower, 00:12:54.250 --> 00:12:57.923 you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety, 00:12:57.923 --> 00:13:03.146 that failures and rejections hurt more and it takes longer to recover from them. 00:13:03.146 --> 00:13:06.325 So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing 00:13:06.325 --> 00:13:12.554 is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp. 00:13:12.554 --> 00:13:15.459 When you're in emotional pain, 00:13:15.459 --> 00:13:21.572 treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend. 00:13:23.122 --> 00:13:27.558 We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them. 00:13:27.558 --> 00:13:32.228 One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. 00:13:32.228 --> 00:13:34.989 To ruminate means to chew over. 00:13:34.989 --> 00:13:39.360 It's when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class, 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:41.551 or you have big fight with a friend 00:13:41.551 --> 00:13:45.968 and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days, 00:13:45.968 --> 00:13:47.937 sometimes for weeks on end. 00:13:47.937 --> 00:13:53.645 Ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, 00:13:53.645 --> 00:13:55.733 and it's a very costly one. 00:13:55.733 --> 00:13:59.922 Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts, 00:13:59.922 --> 00:14:02.894 you are actually putting yourself at significant risk 00:14:02.894 --> 00:14:07.426 for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, 00:14:07.426 --> 00:14:10.149 and even cardiovascular disease. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:10.149 --> 00:14:16.019 The problem is the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, 00:14:16.019 --> 00:14:18.429 so it's a difficult habit to stop. 00:14:18.429 --> 00:14:21.801 I know this for a fact, because a little over a year ago, 00:14:21.801 --> 00:14:24.350 I developed the habit myself. 00:14:24.350 --> 00:14:30.829 You see, my twin brother was diagnosed with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 00:14:30.829 --> 00:14:33.133 His cancer was extremly aggressive. 00:14:33.133 --> 00:14:36.904 He had visible tumors all over his body. 00:14:36.904 --> 00:14:41.835 And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy. 00:14:41.835 --> 00:14:46.497 And I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through. 00:14:46.497 --> 00:14:49.732 I couldn't stop thinking about how much he was suffering, 00:14:49.732 --> 00:14:54.332 even though he never complained, not once. 00:14:54.332 --> 00:14:56.750 He had this incredibly positive attitude. 00:14:56.750 --> 00:15:00.379 His psychological health was amazing. 00:15:00.379 --> 00:15:04.518 I was physically healthy, but psychologically I was a mess. 00:15:04.518 --> 00:15:06.748 But I knew what to do. 00:15:06.748 --> 00:15:10.910 Studies tell us that even a two-minute distraction is sufficient 00:15:10.910 --> 00:15:13.968 to break the urge to ruminate in that moment. 00:15:13.968 --> 00:15:17.465 And so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought, 00:15:17.465 --> 00:15:22.257 I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed. 00:15:22.257 --> 00:15:26.603 And within one week, my whole outlook changed 00:15:26.603 --> 00:15:30.113 and became more positive and more hopeful. 00:15:31.569 --> 00:15:35.624 Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan, 00:15:35.624 --> 00:15:39.260 and I was by his side when he got the results. 00:15:39.260 --> 00:15:42.497 All the tumors were gone. 00:15:42.497 --> 00:15:45.114 He still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go, 00:15:45.114 --> 00:15:47.731 but we knew he would recover. 00:15:47.731 --> 00:15:51.979 This picture was taken two weeks ago. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:56.847 By taking action when you're lonely, 00:15:56.847 --> 00:16:00.225 by changing your responses to failure, 00:16:00.225 --> 00:16:03.157 by protecting your self-esteem, 00:16:03.157 --> 00:16:05.189 by battling negative thinking, 00:16:05.189 --> 00:16:07.887 you won't just heal your psychological wounds, 00:16:07.887 --> 00:16:11.569 you will bulid emotional resilience, you will thrive. 00:16:12.871 --> 00:16:16.794 A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, 00:16:16.794 --> 00:16:21.119 and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent 00:16:21.119 --> 00:16:23.577 in just a matter of decades. 00:16:23.577 --> 00:16:27.922 I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically 00:16:27.922 --> 00:16:31.569 if we all began practicing emotional hygiene. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:31.569 --> 00:16:33.762 Can you imagine what the world would be like 00:16:33.762 --> 00:16:37.088 if everyone was psychologically healthier? 00:16:37.088 --> 00:16:40.383 If there were less loneliness and less depression? 00:16:40.383 --> 00:16:43.224 If people knew how to overcome failure? 00:16:43.224 --> 00:16:46.274 If they felt better about themselves and more empowered? 00:16:46.274 --> 00:16:49.520 If they were happier and more fulfilled? 00:16:49.520 --> 00:16:53.833 I can, because that's the world I want to live in, 00:16:53.833 --> 00:16:58.419 and that's the world my brother wants to live in as well. 00:16:58.419 --> 00:17:02.500 And if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, 00:17:02.500 --> 00:17:06.382 well, that's the world we can all live in. NOTE Paragraph 00:17:06.382 --> 00:17:08.294 Thank you very much. NOTE Paragraph 00:17:08.294 --> 00:17:11.267 (Applause)