[Water rushing]
BLITZØ: Heeeello, hello, hello Stolas.
You have- AH!
You haven't been answering my texts, and I sent you a bunch of funny shit.
So what gives?
- I was hoping my lack of "ha ha’s" in response to the photos you sent
would be an indicator I didn’t want to talk right now.
- Oh come on, Stolas, we just had a rough night.
[Suggestively] 'Sides, you always want to hear from me.
- [Sighs] Blitz. What is it you want?
- I wanna feel like I’m earning my way to earth.
Kay? So get your tight, feathered ass out of that lawn chair
and into the bedroom so I can-
fuck it.
- [Sarcastically] Wow. Poetry.
I’m sure such a statement would have had me swooning by now.
- Uhhh, I- sh- Yeah, sure that wa- okay, that was a shitty way for me to say it-
But you usually like it when I talk all dirty, and fucky, and shit.
[Bird caws]
- Come on, we don’t do words. We do sex.
- As shocking as this might seem, Blitz-
I don’t think I’m in the mood to "do sex" with you.
In fact, I don’t think I’m even in the mood to do words with you!
So how about you respect that.
- Oh come on, Stolas. You can’t mean that.
You always love seeing this.
- Seeing you right now is hard!
I don’t want to feel worse than I already do.
It’s bad enough I got an invite to this anti-Blitzo party-
an honorary invite for being your freshest ex.
- Anti-Blitzo party, who the fuck’s behind this?!
- Oh, it’s entirely immature.
I’d never indulge this nonsense, it’s silly.
- Real silly. Real fucking classy.
- Kind of them to invite me, though.
It might be rude not to make an appearance.
BLITZØ: Verosika!?
Of course that fucking bitch.
- I will say, it’s rather concerning you have an entire party devoted to hating you though, Blitz.
- Oh please, everyone hates me for shitty reasons.
In the end, everyone’s just bitter they couldn’t tie this ass down.
I’m too much imp to simp.
- You really think that’s the reason?
- Yessir, they couldn’t handle that I moved on.
- Oh!
So you’re used to being the one who crushes others’ feelings, hm?
- If by [impersonating Stolas] "crushes others' feelings" you mean-
ends shit before it gets serious, then bingo.
I’m doing everyone a favor because relationships are boooring.
[Bird sqeak]
- Oh yes, very boring.
So what are you doing here then?
- Uh, I- waiting for you to realize how good an angry fuck would be right now!
- Get out!
Right now.
- What?
- I’m tired of this.
I’m uncomfortable with how you’re speaking to me now.
- Oh come on, Stolas.
You can’t tell me this isn’t a fantasy of yours.
You want me to show your rich, prince-y ass what a real fuckin' is.
- Stop it!
- Ha! I’m right, aren’t I?
You get off to getting plowed by people you look down on.
- I don’t look down on you!
How many times do I ha- When have I ever!?
You speak just like that vile Striker friend of yours.
The one who tried to kill me and you couldn’t be bothered to come help me.
Remember him?
- Hey look- I do not sound like- I- and I didn’t know he was capable-
I- I stopped him the first time, [bird chirp] didn’t I?
- The first time?
- Yeah, the- oh. Oops.
I- uh- no, who said tha- I.
- You knew someone was trying to assassinate me?
- I, I- I stopped him!
And I- I really didn’t think you could actually get hurt-
you’re immortal and shit! You’re a fucking prince!
If me and my team could kick that guy’s ass that easily-
then I’m sure you’d have no problem.
I suppose you are right, silly me.
It’s not an imp’s place to protect a Goetia is it?
- Aaand there it is. Took ya long enough!
- That’s all you were waiting for wasn’t it?
For me to play into this idea you have of me that I’m this prince-
who thinks he’s so much better than you.
Well, I don’t!
Why would I allow everyone to see how much I like you?
How I’ve tried so fucking hard to spend time with you, to support you?
You don’t owe me those things, but you can’t just ignore all that!
- You know, Stolas...
I’ve spent the entirety of this morning listening to love ballads,
and that was still the-
GAYEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY!
- Do you feel any kind of remorse for what you do?
Have you ever even apologized once in your life?
- OH, you think I can’t apologize? [Sniffles]
For what?! You want me to be like-
Oh sorry, this entire time I assumed the worst because I was convinced a prince-
could never love someone like me and I've let my self hatred stop me from apologizing to anyone-
I could ever care about!
- [Bird chirps] Well, yes. That.
- Weeell, fuck you!
I can sorry the fuck outta people!
Just you watch!
I sorried Fizz so hard he cried!
And I can sorry more people, everyone but you!
Cause I don’t owe you dick! [Door slams]
Everyone but you.
BLITZØ: I can totally apologize to the people I’ve fucked with.
I mean how many could there possibly be?
[Pen squeaking]
[Knocking]
- MARTHA: Yeas? Oh.
It’s you.
- Heeeyyy Martha,
look, I know we killed you in the past, but I just wanted to say no hard feelings-
and offer this.
- Yeah, that’s fuckin’ right.
[Pen squeaks]
[Magical whoosh]
[Pen squeaks]
[Wheel squeaking]
[Magical whoosh]
[Applause]
[Alarm blaring]
[Magical whoosh]
BLITZØ: Alright, and now onto the exes.
Who are aaall in one place. [Sighs] Yaaay.
BLITZØ: Hey buddy, you know where 666 South Maple avenue might be?
- Down that way, demon dude! Sick costume, bruh.
- Hey, Happy Halloween!
Oh, looks like you missed some makeup there.
BLITZØ: Thaaanks!
It’s my face.
[Engine revs]
[Party sounds and crowd talking]
[Screaming and glass shattering]
-The one day a year the spirits can rise amongst the living
and it’s spent celebrating mutual pettiness.
- Uh, what?
- Oh! Nothing! [Chuckling] I was talking to myself.
- Cool, man, I wish I was you.
- Hellooo, freshest ex!
Stolas!!
How’re you doing baby, you holding up okay?
- Oh, I’m fine. I felt it rude not to stop by.
I don’t get invited out much, but I really shouldn’t stay long.
- Well I’m glad you could make it, honey. [Cups clinking]
- Well this certainly beats the last earth party I attended on Hallows Eve.
- All hail the demon prince, Stolas.
- I was told there would be cake? [Blood splatters]
- Speaking of cake, you wanna slice it?
STOLAS: Ohhh..eugh.
- I like to start at the neck.
Or the dick.
- Eeuughh.
- You're right.
Nobody wants his dick anyway.
[Psycho-esque music] [Verosika grunting]
- I- I think I’m content without slicing any of it.
- Well live it up baby, you are with friends here.
Fuck Blitzo in the fucking ass! [Crowd cheering]
[Verosika shrieks]
[Manaical laughter]
BLITZØ: W-o-ow. Have I fucked this many people?
Christ on a stick, I should start keeping count.
Sorry for the comment I made at your sister’s wedding.
Though she did deserve it, she’s a whore.
Sorry for fucking your mom, though I thought it was your dad.
[Dishes clattering]
UNICORN: Heeey!
- He did it.
- Way to go Dennis. You fucking suck.
- Yeah, you suck Dennis!
[Maniacal laughing]
VEROSIKA: Now-
- Oh shit.
- It’s time to hear from the special, new guest of honor of the night-
Stolaaassss!
Get up here, and say a few words!
- Oh, no. No, no, no. No, I’m not really, um, heheh.
Uh, I really shouldn’t I-
VEROSIKA: Tell us all about your experience with Blitzo.
That cock sucking motherfucker!
C’mon baby, speak from your heart.
We all here know how you feel.
- Um. Ohh, ahahaha, um.
[Guitar strumming]
♪ I let you get too close. ♪
♪ I let it go too far. ♪
♪ Now I know, now I know, now I know exactly ♪
♪ what you aaare. ♪
[Verosika and Tex together] - ♪ Na na na, na na, na ♪
♪ A motherfucker. ♪
♪ Na na na, na na, na ♪
♪ A motherfucker. ♪
- ♪ I don’t think you meant to hurt me, ♪
♪ cause I don’t think it meant a thing at all. ♪
[All together] - ♪ At all, at all, at all. ♪
♪ At all, at all, at all. ♪
STOLAS: ♪ At all, at all, to you. ♪
- ♪ Na na na, na na, na ♪
♪ The motherfucker. ♪
♪ Na na na, na na, na ♪
♪ The motherfucker. ♪
♪ I let it go too long. ♪
♪ I let you go too deep. ♪
♪ Now I know, now I know, now I know there’s ♪
♪ one thing I can’t keep but, ♪
♪ I, I keep on waiting! ♪
♪ Waiting to want you less than I do. ♪
♪ And I do, oh I do, yes I still do ♪
♪ want you. ♪
♪ But maybe it’s all on me! ♪
♪ For missing every sign and every glance and ♪
♪ every turn. ♪
[Verosika and Tex together] - ♪ No, no, no he’s a motherfucker. ♪
- ♪ Maybe there’s something here for us to glean, ♪
♪ for you to teach and me to try and learn. ♪
- ♪ No, no, no he’s a motherfucker. ♪
♪ Cause I am not a thief, but you were mine to earn. ♪
♪ What if I came on too strong? What if I read this all wrong? ♪
♪ What if we just don’t belong? ♪
♪ All this what if, what if, what if, ♪
♪ what if, what if, what if, ♪
♪ why, why, why, ♪
♪ why why why, makes me ♪
♪ burn! ♪
♪ Oh I don’t think you meant to hurt me. ♪
♪ Cause I don’t think it meant a thing at all! ♪
- [Spoken] ♪ Well did it? ♪
- ♪ No, not at all. ♪ - [Spoken] Didn't mean a goddamn thing.
[All together] - ♪ At all, at all, at all ♪
BAND: ♪ Didn't mean a, Didn't mean a, ♪
- ♪ At all, at all, at all ♪
- ♪ Didn't mean a, Didn't mean a, ♪
- ♪ At all, at all to you. ♪
[All together] - ♪ Na na na, na na, na. ♪
♪ The motherfucker. ♪
♪ Na na na, na na, na. ♪
♪ The motherfucker. ♪
♪ Na na na, na na, na. ♪
STOLAS: [Whispered] The motherfucker. ♪♪
- Thank you for your time.
[Cheering]
VEROSIKA: Alrighty bitches, let’s get wild!
[Sighs]
[Glugging]
- Hey.
- Blitz?!
[Drunkenly] What are you doing here?
You’re lucky everyone is drunk or you would be murdered right now.
- Ah, no, it’s good I’m in a disguise.
- Wow.
I’ve never seen you throw 'em back like this.
- Came just to judge me, is that it?
- No, I just-
this was the final stop on the apology tour I’ve been on today.
- Oh, yes, I recall.
Everyone but me is getting your cheap apologies tonight, hm?
Well, you certainly have your work cut out for you.
- Look, how I acted this morning…
it was fucked, okay?
- This morning?
Ughhh, why did you show up there? Why’d you show up here?
- You already asked that, but look, I-I just really need to…
to talk to you, to- to explain.
- Oh?
- [Sighs] I’ve always been real shit at sorries, kay?
They’re for pussies and no one fuckin’ deserves them anyway,
but I [sighs] felt like maybe you actually needed one.
[Sarcastically] - Oooooh lucky meeeeee!
- Oh shit. Okay, what I mean is,
I said sorry a lot today and, honestly,
didn’t really mean any of it.
Because the only one I wanted to say it to...
Was you, Stol's.
I just, [sigh] this whole thing we had going-
I’m- I mean you’re a fucking prince.
How could you ever actually care for an imp?
Me.
How could anybody?
- Blitz.
There is a crowd full of people here,
who cared so much,
they throw an entire fucking party about hating you,
every year!
Do you know how much you have to care to do something as stupid as that?
- Stolas, you are better off without me. Kay?
You deserve so mu-
I don’t even know why you would want to be with me.
- You wanna know what I want?
I want to know what it’s like,
to not be alone.
I want to be someone’s someone.
I want to feel wanted.
But like, in a romantic way, like I’m standing out in the rain
at a train station and someone is shouting:
“Harriet! Don’t get on that train, it’s going to London and I cannot be without you!”
- Oh Stolas, that’s... a rom-com.
- Oh fuck you.
The point is, I just…
want someone to care if I stay or go.
I want someone to want me.
To want to see me. To hold me.
Look at me and think: "Well you’re the only one I want.
I desire to hold you and talk to you, never let you feel so…"
You! Why are you here?
I don’t want you here, go home please!
Let me not feel so sad.
[Sobbing]
[Deep breath]
- Hey.
- Oh, heh. Hello.
- Great song earlier.
You have great pipes.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, he sings fantastic, we’re talking here.
- Well, I just wanted to see if maybe, I don't know,
you’d wanna... dance?
- You want to dance…
with me?
- Yeah.
- Okay!
[Stolas giggling]
- Hey Ver.
- So. An apology tour, huh?
You got a lot of balls coming here, Blitzo.
- Yeah, I know, everyone here hates me.
- Yep. That’s the point.
Dumbass.
- So what, you’re waiting for your sorry?
- Oh fuck you, you little prick.
- Well I’m sorry, for always telling it like it is sister.
What, I’m just being honest!
I’m sorry for dumping ya!
Sorry for not falling head over heels for you!
Or that guy! Or fucking Dennis!
Or- or anyone at this-
stupid-
fucking-
party!
- Ha, oh you are so fucking shitty!
Do you hear yourself?
- Everyone’s shitty! Hello!? We live in hell!
Why am I all of a sudden the bad guy just for sucking at relationships?
- Are you expecting... sympathy?
[Baby voice] Awww poor Bwitz, finawwy having to own
that his actions affect other peoples fee fees.
[Regular voice] Bitch, please.
How do you think I felt?
When the fun guy I was dating decided to just-
bail on me because I made the shitty mistake of saying
I love...
Ugh!
It was the most embarrassing feeling.
To be vulnerable for once and,
you really just...
know how to send a message in the shittiest fucking way.
The worst part is you still make me feel like a bad person for being angry at you now.
But hosting this party for everyone else you’ve dicked over?
At least I can help others cope with the shit you did. - [Imp crying]
- What? No snarky come back?
- No.
You’re right.
I actually am, you know?
Sorry.
I- I don’t wanna be this way.
Not forever.
- Hmph. Looks like Stolas is having a good time.
BLITZØ: Yeah, well he needs it.
[Stolas laughing]
[Moaning]
- Oh, a really good time.
- Oh that
BIRD-
STEALING-
COCK BAG!
[Growling] - Hooold it Blitz.
You know, if you wanna change, it just starts with saying:
“Good for him, hope he gets laid.”
Heh, here have some cake, fuckwad.
[Synth music]
VEROSIKA: ♪ Ever since you went away. ♪
♪ I’ve been haunted. Haunted. ♪
♪ I always get whatever I want. ♪
♪ And I wanted. I wanted you. ♪
♪ So now I’m drawing circles in the sand, ♪
♪ try'na to understand ♪
♪ how you do the things you do. ♪
♪ Baby I’m not over it, ♪
♪ but I’m over you. ♪
♪ I’m over you, you, you. ♪
♪ Baby I’m not over it, ♪
♪ but I’m over you. ♪
♪ I’m over you, you you. ♪♪
[People chattering]
[Radio clicking on]
[Verosika singing on radio] ♪ Sometimes it still hurts a bit, ♪
♪ sometimes I’m so full of shit, ♪
♪ but this much is true. ♪
[Drawn out car honking]
♪ Baby I’m not over it, ♪
♪ I’m over you. ♪
[Echoing] ♪ I'm over you ♪
♪ I thought that I could stomp you out ♪
♪ like a fire, ♪
♪ like a flame. ♪
♪ It’s done but now I'm covered in ashes, ♪
♪ and I still feel the same. ♪
♪ I guess if I get rid of every sign of what we ever did ♪
♪ there’d be no one left to blame! ♪
♪ Ohhh. ♪
♪ Baby I’m not over it, ♪
♪ I’m over you, ♪
♪ I’m over you. ♪
♪ Yeah, I try to look ahead, sometimes I look back instead. ♪
♪ Think I always knew, ohhhh. ♪
♪ Baby I’ll get over it, ♪
♪ I got over you. ♪
[Echoing] ♪ I got over you. ♪♪