Right
I'm back from the parent-teacher meeting
Get down here pronto
Your mother after a parent-teacher meeting
Three hours I was at the place,
the hall was freezing
and not a cup of tea in sight.
They need to limit it
to three minutes maximum per day.
Some of the other parents are talking
the ears off the teachers.
So what do the teachers
actually say about me?
Your math teacher said
that you're doing okay.
That's good
Okay, Oisín, you should be top of that class
Mum, just I'm not that good at maths
You're just not applying yourself
I spoke to Mr O'Donovan and
he says you're doing the bare minimum to get by
I got a B at Christmas
Well b or not, he's got you figured out, Mister
You are coasting in there
You have so much potential, brains to burn
You need to knuckle down laziness
Coasting, coasting, coasting
My Oisín could work for NASA
I don't want you sitting beside Barry anymore
We're sitting there I can see you there now,
tricking away
Now I spoke to Mrs Flynn,
your business teacher,
and she said you're working hard
and you should be fine in the exams
To be honest I don't think,
she knew who you were
Mum!
okay you just don't believe any of the nice stuff
and all the mean stuff
Mrs Gotham says you need to apply yourself more
she has it in for me
she does have it in for me
she has kicked me out of the class three times last week
what did Mr Gary say
I don't rate him as a teacher
yeah Mom what's he saying
he's not up to the task
what did he say
he's too laid back
mum
I mean he's trying to be friends with all the students
what did he say
he said you're doing well
Mr Doyle the vice principal now
there is a man with a head for discipline
he's a maniac
what did my art teacher say
oh I didn't go to her
what why not
the queue was a mile long, she just talks and talks
that's my best subject
I saw that new English teacher of yours, Mrs O'Neill
most of the fathers are very keen to speak to her
although I didn't think she was dressed appropriately at all
her guidance cancer says
that based on your marks from her assessment
that you should consider doing something with your hands
like carpentry or weaving
what
I actually got the smell of alcohol of her
Mr Rooney wanted to know
if you'd like to join the chess club so I said you would
what
if you'd like to join the debating Club
no
if you'd like to join the choir
I said you would
have more interested in Taekwondo
and I said no
oh
I spoke to your music and Drama teacher
what
and it had to be said
oh no no
you should have been playing the role of Oliver in the school play
you have a beautiful voice
that Jeffrey fella doesn't have a note in his head
and he's completely flat-footed
Cooking With Your Parents
help me in the kitchen, I am up to my eyes
oh do I have to
yes you do have to
use exact measurement, Oisín,
follow the recipe to the letter
well how much should we add
a handful of them what a heaped teaspoon
a dog a scoop a pinch a ow a dash
they're not measurements
what are you cooking
fish
I hate fish
you'll eat it
putting pizza in the oven is not cooking
pot noodle is not cooking
Dairy dunkers is not cooking
cornflakes from the packet is not cooking
now clean as you go
Mom I'm hungry
if you're hungry, have something small
there's no nourishment in that at all
to sustain you if you're hungry have an apple
don't eat straight from the shopping bags
Jesus Christ let's sit in the cupboard for a minute
don't eat the ham straight from the package
don't eat straight from the fridge, put it on a plate
those penguins are for Christmas
it's July
put them back in the freezer
clean as you go
chicken can be lethal, you need to cook it until it's black
all knives are sharp
perfect with this side of the knife washing
clean as you go
a watched pot never boils
it's boiled is it
don't scratch my non-stick pan
would you like to do the Sterling, Oisín
yeah
I'm not five mom
would you like to lick the spoon
yeah I ain't going to leave yet to do that yourself
okay yeah goodbye
no you're you're doing it too slow watch you know
no no no don't just do it yourself
your father's cooking dinner tomorrow night
where are you going with the microwave
the boots of the car the only way I can get them to cook a decent meat
Going To Dinner With Your Parents
would you like to try some of my wine
oh yeah
yeah no just a sip
okay there you go that's too much
well I didn't I hadn't even tried it yet
[Music]
duck is very fatty chicken can be very tasteless
Falafel can be very dry
I can cook a lasagna myself
I might have a look and see what other people have ordered
but no Mom don't
I'm just looking at what you've ordered there
yes the carbonara is it okay that looks lovely
yes that is very heavy for me now
I wouldn't I wouldn't want that
that is a beautiful soul seller
beautiful candle holder glassware sterling silver
I'll bet yeah very hard to clean them
I bet they can't put it in the dishwasher at
Water please
okay is there a Steelers party
tap yeah it tastes the same
can I please get the Bolognese
there's a lot of onion in that isn't it
that would run right through it
how's school
uh yeah it's it's good uh actually
uh Mr O'Neill yeah yeah
Mr O'Neill was saying yesterday that
the shoulders
yeah so uh Mr Neil was saying that the clap
so what was Mr O'me saying there nothing
God you have the word to throw to a dog
God I think that's correct that's definitely Court
it was a screw top model
is yours hot enough there
yeah
mine's stone cold, I might have mine reheated
just steam coming off
yeah okay
excuse me what no I could have these reheated
food this is lovely now
it just needs a touch of salt
oh shoot slow down pat
enjoy it's not a race manners Oisín
chew your food don't woof
masticate
well now that was a bit disappointing
I would say for the price of it
yeah
I think I'll have to say something
no mum
just saying something new
there's your check
everything okay
yep great lovely thank you very much
no problem
now I have a voucher here
Holidays With Your Parents
the food is way far too soft
I want all alarms set for 6 a.m six
Oisín, we need to be at the airport at least two hours before the flight
at least three hours for five hours
16 hours before the flight
I'm not leaving anything to chance
I want to be there and I want to be settled
are we getting a taxi
taxi yeah Bushy
when that's millionaires don't go around telling people around holidays
why not we might get burgled
now unplug the TV disconnect the internet
defrost the freezer cut the grass water the plants
take in the garden furniture turn on the radio
pull the blinds leave a light on upstairs
why so people think somebody's home
someone who never leaves a one room
we need to empty the fridge before we go,
but don't let anything go to waste
right each of the bit of bread that's left there
we didn't finish those yogurts eat up Oisín
finish the gherk gherkins
don't touch those crisps they're for guests
leave a note for the Milkman
last time we came back to 16 liters
and still sitting out in the sun
right the cheese it was
mum, can we visit the football stadium
I don't we have a lot to get through, Oisín,
there are 17 churches on that street alone
and they all have Fresco
no no why can't I just stay home I'm old enough
not after what your brother did two years ago
the floors were destroyed
the begonias never recovered
all the toilets were blocked
I found spaghetti in the porch
I found your father's shoes halfway down the road
I'm not Daniel okay
they found family photos in the neighbor's Back Garden
I'm only remembering this now
is that everything
yeah
right God the stress I'm not right God the stress I'm not
yeah oh neither am I
Isolating With Your Parents
Mom why are you calling me from upstairs
I have I have I have
what the Rona
I have it what you call it
I came out of the shower and I coughed
so do not come near me
now I'm going to be self-isolating in my room
oh okay
now you're gonna have to run the house
until I'm in the clear pet
okay
are you able to do that
yeah
now are you capable of that
well yes Mom
are you sure now
Mom I think I can manage
well it's it's not an easy thing to do now
it's a difficult thing to run a household
okay I think I'll manage right
right okay God the house will come down around us
now you'll have to Hoover the downstairs
dust will build up if you don't stay on top of it
all right final dude where is it
what
the Hoover where is it
sliced he doesn't even know where the Hoover is
just tell me where it is
it's under the stairs
that's all you have to say
now you need to get right in under the bowl there right here
yeah I know Mom
get the cloth right in there
what
are you scrubbing it properly then
you're not showing me show me the
show me the bowl there
if you still see dirt there
I'm hanging up
which part do I put the powder in
in the drawer
yeah which part
are you doing a pre-wash
I don't know
the left is for fabric softener
okay do I put that in
that's only for towels Oisín
okay
the rice is for a pre-wash
and the middle bit is for detergent
where do I put the washing powder
I don't use powder we use capsules
to put them directly in the drum
right fine when you say that in the first place
you just put it straight in the middle
stop it, Oisín, now that's a dishwasher tablet
so you dust on top of the picture frames
yes
show me
there
now show me the top of the picture frame there now
all right fine
now they're Infinity
I thought so
filled up absolutely filthy there
now did you clean the windows
yeah but I can't get rid of the streaks
what did you use
I used the window cleaner but
oh no this video ah
Something's Happened to close
what do you mean
they're smaller now
Jesus that's my good cards again
what temperature did you put them on
on as for 80 degrees
80 degrees how did you get it to go that high in the first place
now that you've polished the Lampshades I need
Mother of God can I not get a minute's piece
I haven't sat down all day
I am up to hideo because you'd want the patience of a saint
now have you coughed since this morning
no I haven't
do you have a temperature
no
a tightness of the chest difficulty breathing
no
any loss of smell or taste
no
are you feeling tired loss of energy
no
well then there is nothing wrong with your young lady
so get out of that bed and get down here this instant
oh you are so annoying
Learning To Drive With Your Parents
okay he's he's he's
easy I'm not rushing
you're rushing now
there's no need to rush mom
expect the unexpected
handbrake again
sorry
that was nice you can't put your arms across me
there is no need to shout
no no no
here's a learner try for now here's a learner driver now
watch out for the learner driver
he's like yourself and he's panicking
he's panicky he's very panicky
keeps under the speed limit
mum I'm I'm going 15.
are you 15.
when you're going into a roundabouting
you have to be very very careful now
now, Oisín, what are you doing
oh God those cars all over the place now
watch off left left left right
left right left right and left oh
God almighty we're still alive
you don't need fifth gear
that's for race car drivers
I'm just third gear is all you need
one two and three keep it simple
it will try the three-point turn here
okay
you need to bring the car to a stop
touching it you're airing the ass out of the car oh
[ __ ] oh God this is a dodgy area
no do the central locking
camera Watch the daffodence watch the Duffy
you're going into the daffodils there
now this game arrangement such a friend
such a friend from school
no Mom I'm not stopping
he's learning, how to drive
don't mind him now
Parents On The First Day Back To School
just you're doing your own thing okay School easy
you should have had everything ready to go last night
not helping
fix that taco
mom it's too big for me
it'll fit you next year
you cannot wear them
what are their shoes
well they look like Runners to me
geez it's the wish of that bag the price of that booklet
the price of that uniform the price of that class trip
voluntary contribution my eye
what are you looking for
a pen
he doesn't even have a pen
who do you have for history this year
Mr Flanagan
oh Jesus
who bought these
that nothing but sugar
and I'm making a porridge
what no please
here check that no more
can I send money for lunch
I'll make you sandwiches
there's nothing wrong with Jam
sandwiches with lettuce and cheese
sandwiches gherkins and Branston sauce
don't sit beside Barry this year
why
why you know why
I said besides James Weiss didn't he get all Ace
but he's a knob
he he's boring
that's not what you said now
that coat isn't warm enough put that on
what I'm not wearing that
oh she no I'll drop you
down well no psycho
are you embarrassed of your mother
yeah obviously
put that coat back on and the helmet
Parents When You Get Dumped
right what has you in such foul humor
nothing you are moping about the place
with a face on you like I don't know what
you're fine
right off of that there now
and you had to tell me what's wrong
there's nothing wrong okay
Oisín Robert Flanagan
a mother always knows when something's wrong
yeah I got dumped
what
I got dumped
what you mean
by my girlfriend
a girlfriend you never told me you had a girlfriend
yeah well I don't have one anymore do I
well that's probably for the best given it's an exam year pet
it's her loss girls like that
you are a diamond
there are plenty more trout in the Shannon
you're a catch, Oisín, any girl would be lucky to have you
I've always thought you look like a young Prince William
mum, you're making a worse just leave me alone
there you probably weren't in love with her
okay
the only way to get over sadness is distraction
so busy busy busy busy busy busy
mum
you should come down to the garden center with me
and I will get you to pick out a plant for yourself
oh wow that sounds terrific
but that's all these kids cheers
you don't understand she was perfect
well I knew a girl from college, bridamine
her beautiful beautiful girl I tell you
she had the boys like that
but last I heard twice divorced a son that won't talk to her
and on top of that she looks dreadful now
what if I never find anyone who's good again
mark my words, Oisín, in a few years time
they would be knocking down my door
queuing up outside beating them off with sticks
have your pick of the bunch
there are plenty of young ladies out there still
yeah like who
well Mrs O'Toole's daughter always had a soft spot for you
she's my cousin
third cousin
we're a small island nation
right now, Oisín, there's no perfect time to talk about this
but if you're going to be having girlfriends
we need to be talking about being careful
what
you need to be careful
oh no no no no no
we're not talking about
sit down there young man
sit back down there
Parents When You Have Your Friends Over
can Barry come over
as long as he takes his shoes off
last time you drag dog dirt all over the house
yeah okay
and clean up this place it's an absolute State
it's like a bomb hitter the place is a tip i
t's like a pigsty cowshed Chicken Coop
have we been burgled
I'm sure Barry's house is clean
we were living in our own filth here
how's the mother grad right
and the father Grand
is he thinking a cut on the Hedge this weekend with us
don't know
well it's just eyes on my side there
now so boom
right I'm gone I'm gone
God the smell of fish in here
bye love put your shoes back up
oh Shane's getting late now so
you know I think Barry's parents will be wondering
where he is it's getting quite late there
now oh Barry you're still here
we'll have to start charging your rent now Barry
okay Barry we'll be having our dinner soon so uh
okay I'll stay in here
would you like to join us for dinner Barry
suppose so
right should I chicken Barry
no
do you like peas Barry
no
do you like potatoes Barry
no
do you like cabbage Berry
no
do you like fish fingers Barry
no
do you like carbohydrates Barry
no
what do you like Barry
nuggets
right I'll check the Deep Freeze
will you see if there's any Magnums in there
rush I'm going to bed now all right
all right good night
good night Barry good night
better get out of my house
for Christ's sake uh, Oisín, it's five past eight oh
Parents When You're Sick
Mom I think I'm sick
you're going to school
right let's have a look at you here
Jesus
I know
you're not going to school are you mad
right I'll get the fix now
rub this on your chest your back your cheeks
your ears and the soles of your feet
now the steam is good for you
it's burning my face
just another 25 more minutes pet
what are you doing to the 7-0
it's useless unless it's flat
Jesus
just one more Spoonful
no mum please it's disgusting
cod liver oil is a cureall
cider vinegar is a cure gargling
salted water is a cure-all
cinnamon tumeric garlic ginger onion is
a cure puke
it's your stomach
actually you're at me
Oisín, are you warm enough
yes
I'll get another hot water
no I already have three
do you know what you're missing in school
no
because we don't want you falling behind
love will you try some chicken soup
no thanks
I've made your favorite Bolognese
no mum
well you have to eat something love
could ever wear his ice cream
right yeah yeah where's ice ice cream
okay if you're too sick for school
you're too sick for computer games
to watch television to be on the phone
to listen to headphones
you're never too sick to read a book
oh Oisín you needn't be worried about school
because I had your cousin go in there
and get the homework for you
so that's all sorted out
mum
are there any more Mars ice creams
yes yes
will you make it to the toilet in time love
I leave the Basin just here okay
yeah
are you going to be sick
are you going to be sick now
because if you are going to be sick
there's a base in there now okay
all right so I'll leave it here now
it's to your right
f*ck off
Doomdah
please it's disgusting
cod liver oil
wow
it's like pure fish I hate fish
Playing Computer Games With Your Parents
ing it's a beautiful day outside
what are you doing cooped up in here
get on fire you are wasting the day
the day is gone you are like a vampire in here
Jesus are you afraid someone might see you
are you under witness protection or something
turn off that game station and go outside
yeah I'm in the middle of a match
you could play your football out in the fresh air
it's not football it's MMA
Museum of Modern Art to stay there
I need someone to help me
with hedge clippings in the garden
five minutes okay
you said five minutes an hour ago
no it's just about to type
I will tap you out
God Almighty I'm exhausted
I am five hours six hours 12 18 72 hours in that Garden
got as well for some reason
I sit in their backside playing computer
yeah well no one's stopping you playing
ah ABS you're allergic to have fun
which way you hold it now
which one am I
Conor McGregor
is that Conor McGregor
yes just press Start
I'd find it hard to get a job with them now
just please start
how do I shoot there's no guns
I thought it's like running around with a gun
earlier it was a different game
what did I do there it didn't do anything
that's me
am I the one on the right here
no that's me
how do I get out of this Carson cage
am I right that one there
that's the referee
where am I can't see anything
gotcha oh gotcha again oh geez I kicked [ __ ]
did I kick it you see
all right Jesus I punched your phone fast
oh I've been knocked out
that was my character God
should I win yeah
Jesus
the size of that belt
how are you supposed to keep a pair of trousers up
with that thing right how was it around
Shopping With Your Parents
the waist it won't stop it
shut up people are looking like
no one is looking
this one's pretty cool
there is no heat in there the wind will go right through
it's like a plastic bag you'll freeze
you'll catch your day he'll catch pneumonia it's wafer thin
I tell you you won't look cool you look cold
that was not funny I look ridiculous
I'm gonna get bullied
anyone who bullies it over a coat, Oisín, is not your friend
oh I look like a giant snot
you do not it brings out your eyes
what about this one, mum?
is it on sale no then put it back
this one's really warm
does it have a hood no put it back
oh this one's warm Anda has a hood
is it machine washable
no oh oh Shane how are you getting on in there
I'm fine
does it fit you all right
just go away
look come out and show me
I'm not coming out
all right will you come out and show your mother
no Mom wait
so I'm coming in
did you not come in here
oh sorry no there's nobody in
here I I thought you were my son
what's going on
when I ask you to come out you come out
a leather jacket, Oisín, you're not James Dean
Clark Gabe Steve McQueen Marlon Brandon Humphrey Bogart John Wayne Lionel Richie
boom this is the one Barry has it's really cool
Barry has a cool Crush because Barry's dad lives in Portugal
don't repeat that
it's polyester put us back 100
well it's itchy
the itcher it is the higher the quality
the moment you look like a tent
oh there's a tear great we might get a discount
right let's have a look at you no don't you look great
no I'm after spending 135 Euro on your, OIsín
you could give me a smile
uh giant snow
oh isn't that your friend Barry
will he come here to me for a second pet
Staycation With Your Parents
yeah great news
we're going on holidays
Spain we can go
no not Spain, Oisín, there's a pandemic
we're going on a staycation
in Ireland
yes Ireland, Oisín
now Maureen has given us the lender
of a holiday home in Don Bowie
oh no
I don't really have there's not much internet up there
so bring plenty of books
oh no no
please it's gonna be boring
it's been nice
there's nothing to do
there is plenty to do for someone with a bit of imagination
like what
like walks beautiful scenery old churches and walks
clearly said walks
you can't even drink the water in dunbu we can't
ah don't be ridiculous
the water is fine you just need to
run the tap for 20 to 15 minutes before
house is freezing the heating doesn't work
there is plenty of turf for that fire plenty of turf
and the septic tank should be fixed by the time we get there I'm told
oh no more
now there is a key under the mat because many break-ins there
it wouldn't be anything happening in don't Bowie at all
pack your togs
why
because of the beach
there's no beaches
sharp rocks that gradually gets smaller towards the shore
rip the foot off yeah I know the water is freezing
I'm not getting in look at
it's either stay here and Lounge about the house
or come with me
stay here
I have spent many is a nice summer
in Dumb Bowie as a little girl
right and I loved it
you also used to think Mansion oranges were a treat mom
times change okay
this might be the last holiday we spend as a family now
tell Pat 's Erie down the road in Glendale Mick
and we only Spanish when the wind is blowing West
so pack your bags and stop complaining
Hey
Hey Barry
Barry
hey it's finally in the parking
yes we are packing for our holidays tomorrow
where you go
we're going to do don't bore
and don't porn don't Bowie
don't Bowie yes
oh yeah gray colorful yeah monkey very cool
no it's a family holiday
oh what time are we leaving
Barry's mother has something else planned for them
no
but the house has to be cleaned from top to bottom
for the last two days of the holidays
yeah yeah no problem
we'll leave it the same condition as we found it
exactly
a dump
Studying With Your Parents
mom can you do my French questions with me
the oral is tomorrow tomorrow
right let me get my glasses there
so just read the question
yeah just just read the questions
what
je m'appelle Oisín Flanagan
there what we live in Dublin
we are on the border see Dublin
football is
you haven't practiced in months
sitting up there in the computer all the time
who cares just the eye care
I choose the money I paid for those lessons
what sister you don't have a sister
it's for the vocabulary
move it's not good to tell lies, Oisín you can get cut out
Doritos is your more coke say that don't think it does feed you save green beans and broccoli
don't open the dictionary
no it's there's no time
I don't it doesn't matter what you're saying
and Doritos my mayor a professor
a montpair a engineer h
e's actually an engineer now
he's more of a diagnostic consultant for ventilation systems
I don't know those words okay and the exam is tomorrow
why do you have to leave everything to the last minute
the amount of money I spent sending you to France
you've done dama you've done sweet
diddly squash bugger all less than nothing my grand pair a Quattro vant we dance
your grandfather is dead or she know he's dead
I have to show that I know numbers though Jesus
if I could do the exam for you, Oisín, it's your future
it sounds like you don't even know what you're saying
you've just learned off a set of phrases and you're regurgitating
well I'm not actually trying to learn French
I'm just trying to pass the exam
Teaching Computers To Parents
oh god I've broken it Oisín what have I done now
nothing it's fine
I have had it with this cursed machine
let's sit down there now and show me how to use this
what I have to do my homework
I can only take a second
what should you do there now
I didn't do anything
well you did you did something
there there
well I just moved the mouse across the screen
there it is again
it's the mouse double click double click
okay
you have to do it faster
faster yeah
okay let's let me do it
let's take this
I want you to show me how to do it I don't want you to do it for me
you just type in your email address
right okay
nasty oh yeah n ope
oh look I've got some email from a prince ragaba from Nigeria
oh you're jealous huh
no I'm he's just trying to rob you
he's a prince he's
oh well I don't think that's actually a prince stuck in an airport
and he needs help now
where's my credit card details
it keeps offering me cookies
I got an email from the bank of Europe
asking me to reconfirm my credit card details
I am an hour trying to get this bloody printer to work
and it just refuses to do anything alternative now
oh God what's this now it's just the terms and conditions
the application may ask for your permission to access
you don't have to read
a moment it's just Gmail it says please read the terms and conditions before
yeah but nobody 14 pages long you don't nobody
oh I've clicked out of it what's this now
history oh that could be interesting
might be something on the Renaissance
oh no you can't don't don't open up
you can open the history folder
it could it could break the computer
I thought you said you couldn't break
oh Jesus Christ so she what what's the stuff now
Doomdah
Watching TV When Your Parents Walk In
oh God turn this off now turn this off
they use the remote pornography
it's not it's a TV show
where they could have fooled me I'm home
if that's that show that the average people
normal people
I'm I've heard all about it on the radio to pray
no it's not you always just come in at the worst part
well I've heard the worst part goes on for four minutes and 42 seconds
what
Mary White timed it
I'm always not about that
I don't care what it's about
anything that has to rely on that sort of Filth has nothing to offer
like I've never even seen it
I bet Barry's mother doesn't let him watch
I think she does
actually I very much doubt that
if she does you're not watching it and that is final
fine
would you not get yourself a nice book
apparently there's a great novel by an Irish author it is Sally Rooney
uh no thanks
it's supposed to be brilliant
oh hello Barry
what have I told you about letting yourself in
sorry the door was unlocked
so does your mother know you watch the show
yeah everybody's watching it
you see everyone
we are not watching us here in 23 crime for crevices
fine okay come on Barry
okay
where are you going I didn't come down the last shower now
you're going to watch it on your phone
you know what else I can watch my phone if I wanted to
actual pornography
okay
oh God and Mikey it's still on
Jesus Christ and e
why anyone wants to watch this smush is beyond me
is he wearing a necklace
Connor for God's sake that is no way to treat you one t
hat boy's mother has her head screwed on
oh we do not just stay together
God you're perfect for each other
where's the dinner
oh sorry
hey you're watching us
no I was looking for the Antiques Road
you're on the last episode
oh God I hope there's a second season
what I'm an emotional
are you wearing a necklace
it's a chain
Watching TV With Your Parents
what you doing
I'm watching a movie
move over there
good luck it's my spot
oh I haven't sat down all day
I was trying to watch a movie
is it suitable is it suitable
yeah it's suitable and Oscar
right God it's very violent
you've got that shocking nudity
oh she turned that off
what more makes a shampoo add what
oh why do we have so many remote controls
yeah this is for the television
yeah this for the DVD player that's the satellite
and that's the house phone
there's no need to be smart
you know I did repack them here now
absolutely the flourishing flourishing
behind the carpet cleaners in here the other week
now they did a fierce good job absolute excellence
is this the one now
yeah yeah
it's too loud no mum that's a channel you change your channel
the other one go back all right go back
no go oh oh go oh what's this
antique no no she's a beautiful race
you run out there and make a scope of tea like a good lad
that's too strong did you put any milk
did you spell the pot that's too sweet put it in a proper Cup
who's that Antonio Banderas
I thought you said this was meant to be good
oscari backside oh Jesus it's almost nine
turn over to the news there
what no mum please
will you go on to the news
my living room my rules my house my rules my TV my rules
shooting and Killing
Jesus would you have a song
or something
oh God there's the rain there's the Rain
Jesus give me a hand with clothes get out here
When Parents Cook Christmas Dinner
Christmas is upon us so I want all hands on deck
you're fine
there was too much for me to do last year
so this year I am keeping it simple
right I am just doing the turkey and ham
the roast potatoes carrots cauliflower
cheese parsnips Beef Wellington mashed potato potato
cracker flat potatoes potato potato
cheesy potato chips
Auntie Rose is vegan now
oh that woman has to be difficult
oh and the O'Connor cousins only eat like spaghetti and pizza
they will eat what is pot in front of them
it won't fish it won't fit in the oven the turkey
it's a monstrosity of thing it's like an ostrich
why did you get such a big one there was so much left over last year
well I don't want to get cut out
well we were eating turkey leftovers in June
turkey curry turkey soup turkey meatballs
yes the turkey roulette we still have some left
good man I need more room in the fridge
will you finish off those eggs drink the rest of that milk
polish off those gherkins finish off that mayonnaise
this dinner will be the death of me
why'd you go to so much effort if you find it so stressful
well maybe you'd prefer some slices of toast and Nutella
yeah a wood
your wood my eye
apparently you can cook the ham in Coca-Cola
God that sounds disgusting
no I'm doing mine Insider
I need to get the Christmas cake done
boom nobody ever eats the Christmas cake
that is not the point
it has to be done anyway
I want you to extend the mahogany table
oh well we actually get to eat in the dining room do we
I know it is a beautiful table I want to show it off
now covers look at that plastic tablecloth there
what I don't want it getting wrecked
well at least something has sunk in
or shouldn't we need 18 bags of sultanas
how many puddings are we making eight or nine
hey why do we need so many puddings
I like to keep a few around for emergencies
break glass for pudding Brandy
Oisín will you get the Brandy out for me there
Oisín, the Brandy thank you thank you specialize
Jesus stop watching did we use that much last year
come on can Barry come for Christmas dinner with us
Oisín, Christmas is a family time
oh no mum please please
well I'm sure Barry wants to spend Christmas with his own family now
would you like to come with us on a walk on Christmas Day Barry
you can go on the walk and we'll stay here and mind the house
God almighty this dinner will be the death of me
well I know it's a lot of work mum,
but when it's all done you could just sit back
you know and enjoy Christmas
I haven't enjoyed Christmas since 1972 Washington
now get the Brandy
well we don't need many more puddings
it's not for the puddings right
When Parents Drag You Places
Oisín we're visiting breed of Meine
can I just stay at home
not on your own
why do I have to come she's your friend or mine
you're to be sociable
the only thing you guys talking about is people who are dead
we do know shouldn't I hear Mina Walsh died
oh she did
she did
do you know who else died Phelan Corcoran
he didn't
but he wasn't wearing Sheila McKenna she's not you know what a sergeant Lincoln shouldn't look
well oh just a matter of time
yeah yeah yeah
he didn't
she did
did you hear
no oh
well you're stuck
go away
sure this is it
would you like a cup of tea, Oisín?
uh no thanks
you have like a fizzy drink
yes
yeah actually I think I have some tonic water in the fridge
Oisín, you must be very popular with the ladies
I'd say of your pick of the bunch
oh no there's to be no girlfriends until after the exams
until he's 21 36 52.
oh she's very good at maths, Oisín
very music big into the drama
Oisín's very good at the French
is he now say it is a French first Arrow
Shin come on to to Pal there uh
oh brilliant
I've got some prawns steaming in the kitchen grief
I hate prawns
you'll eat that I'm allergic and I'm eating
oh boy it's polite all
that meal is delicious
we have to have you again some time
on now absolutely
right here we go oh [ __ ] okay
safe home
now I cannot stand that woman
uh she's not that bad mom
how much money did she give you
When Parents Give You A Lift
where's Barry
he's coming
it's 25 past eight, Oisín, we said a quarter past
yeah okay he said he'd be here
it's been late every day this week
he's not getting a lift to school next week
I can tell you that
all right fine I don't care
and his mother is none too quick to return the offer
Mighty what's that smell is that a clean shirt
yes
right
Hey Barry
nice but you almost took the door off the hinges
okay now does everyone have the seat belt on
you've moved one off five okay
leave it and then polish Barry
Mom can I go out on Friday night
don't talk to me when I'm driving, Oisín
I get distracted
oh are the McDonald's getting the job done on the house
they need to cut that grass
that skirt is a far too short
they've painted that house in awful
those daffodils are still going
God that's a dreadful gaze they've put in
I forgot my lunch again
yeah those salad sandwiches will go to waste
can I get a 10 for the canteen
you can have a fiver
a Fiverr is not enough
it's enough when it's spent on proper food
not on spicy wedges or Mr Slurpees
what
this man cannot drive a car no education
I'm not letting him in I'm not letting him in
now I'm not letting you in
have none is a word to throw to a dog both of them
there their heads glued in the phones
let's go over the verb etra again
no
warm just sweet to a
the cheek of him she's blocking the entire Lane
I can't go forward there's a yellow box
is that man waving at me at the back form
he's giving you the finger
well I feel very sorry for that man's wife
change the radio station I'm listening to the news
mommy listen to the news at breakfast
it's the same news it doesn't change
I'll put on my CD
here we go I can
put on the news here
no
I'll drop you to the door
no no move here's fine [ __ ] you to the door
no no put your seatbelt back down
When Parents Have Visitors
well don't slam the door Jesus Christ
the visitors will be here in eight hours
I need all hands on deck, Oisín
will you go into the control room there
and give it your sister's junk where's herself
she should have to get rid of it
I don't have time to argue with you
okay I am up to my eyes I am flattered
I'm fit to collapse I am up to high dough
so just go and do it
oh I've just cleaned the toilet so nobody go in there
well the visitors aren't coming for like six hours
where are we ready to go
if you need to go go next door to the caverns
I'm not going to the cabinets to take a dump
or she need to pump the cushions yes
or she needs your dust behind the TV
yes
you need to weed the garden
yes
watching to Jehovah under the couch
nobody's gonna look under the couch mum
why are we cleaning so much
because I don't want to think that we live like animals
this is how we live
God on my chance did you clean your room
No One's Gonna Be in my room mum
but they'll close the door Jesus Christ
they went in there they could get wheels disease
don't eat them they're for guests
or shouldn't go in there and
fill up the mountain Brown
will you good ladder knock those glasses
the good glasses not that Cutlery the good Cuttery
not those plates they're too good
oh I'm after forgetting the effing cream
but she really come in here yeah boss
what
what you want you call me in
I'm busy
here now Jesus Christ you can't be annoying me now
just call me oh God my mind is that
damn Jesus they're early
go in there and talk to them
I don't know
look I need to get ready
all right I'll be down in an hour
don't worry about it
oh [ __ ] take the chicken out of the other
medium yeah it's in there too long
did it take it off about 10
get in there and see if we need more wine
Mary wants to know if we have any tonic water
cannot stand that one
bye-bye never again
When Parents Ruin Your Summer
okay it's games off now no games
I have more so weak
and you haven't left that seat
you are to be up out of the house
and I want your occupied
I will not hover a piece of last summer
where you moped about the house doing sweet fa
I have brochures worse
the tennis club are doing a three-week camp in July
no
there's speech and drama in the community center
orienteering in the Pine Forest
a science camp arts and crafts Pottery
tree shaping astronomy bug snorkeling
nude still life Rock
how did that get in there now
that's the least two weeks left to fill in Moon
Barry said that there's a really good thing
intense like a mixed martial arts course
oh no move I haven't told you but
what about French College Lord knows you need the help
yeah I'm meant to be on my holidays
that's basically School
you could volunteer in the local community
there is a great sense of satisfactions
how about I use this time to teach you how to play chess
how to sew flower arranging cross stitching
use the washing machine teach how to drive
never again
we could do a virtual online class together
no I'm on my holidays I don't want to learn anything
The Devil Makes work for Idle Hands
stop referring to yourself in the third person mom
well you could come help me in the garden
what would I get if I did it
gardening is its own reward
for every four hours you do gardening
you can have five minutes on the game
what's a terrible deal
you will need something to use up your free time
well me and Barry were thinking about joining a band
oh lovely
and the father he used to play the bassoon in the rathfarnum concert
no more a real band Lego guitars and drums
not under my roof
or you and Barry could go on bicycles along the canal
and then maybe stop for a picnic
I'm not trying to woo Barry in the 19th century
right Oisín, I have tried everything
so we're going to learn a tick tock dance together
well no no no
no I'll do I'll do the gardening I'll do the gardening
outside in the fresh air
When Your Parents Get A New Phone
yeah what are you doing exactly, Oisín
what
I need your help I got a new iPhone
that's an Android
what
it's an Android it's not an iPhone
I don't care what it is I can't get the thing working
just turn it on
I haven't finished reading the manual yet
I haven't filled out the warranty yet
this phone is to last me five years 10 years 15 75 years
play your cards right I'll leave it for you in my will
I just want the phone calls and the text messages
okay so just the basics
okay just WhatsApp
no Jesus no I don't want any of that waste time of those applications
but WhatsApp is text messages
okay so what was your password on your last phone
yes right yes I I've written it down somewhere
here now yes um yes like it's gonna be again
um password one one
no
try clean as you go odd caps
no try my name
no nothing
try my my maiden name there
my maiden name
uh yeah um uh Oisín my maiden name
I just need to put in your Google password
oh yeah I don't know what it is
now put in your banking password
Facebook passwords
oh I can't remember
Microsoft password
no Oisín I can't it's gone after me it's I've broken it
oh Jesus I'm pressing this one here now
what's that
why those two this volume
well they're very close together
yeah you just press this and you put in your PIN
that's ridiculous absolutely ridiculous
now it keeps going off on me now why does it do that
the screen just times it goes to sleep
well we're gonna turn that off because
it doesn't give me a second before it's gone again
you really just like it's intense there it's gone again
it's because you haven't used it for 10 seconds
to seconds you can't do anything in 10 seconds
camera on this is marvelous isn't it
it's a great shots you should get them printed
what are these now
they're notifications
right and and what you
just you press them and then they'll open
you press into them right
okay yeah yeah okay
let's put in your PIN
oh I don't know what that is now
When Your Parents Go Away
you know I'm going away for the weekend
yeah yeah tell me like a hundred times
yes I'm going away with my friend Geraldine
yeah yeah
did you thank her for the jumper
yes I did
you did okay and remember what I said pet
yeah don't open the door to anyone right okay
I am leaving you 20 Euro for pizza
oh great
there are conditions I want you to Hoover the whole stairs
and land it you have to clear out the garage the shed
clean out the other varnish the doors
sand down the garden furniture
fine I don't want it you can keep it
what
there are 15 cans of lager in that cabinet
and I have counted though
aren't you supposed to be gone
wait look I'm going I'm going right Oisín
I'm taking the internet
what why
now it's not up for discussion
what am I gonna do
well you can read a book
remember the black bin goes out on the Monday
yeah
and the Greenville on the Fridays
yes
make sure they take the brown bin with the green bin
right
because last time they didn't take their mint to take that I don't want that brown bit yes all right thank you okay okay okay rush I'm okay yes
remember to water the plants
yeah I know yeah
give them plenty of water
yeah well I will
but don't overwater them
what
for emergencies I'm leaving you my credit card
just an emergency
okay
it's what I can't hear you
I'm not shouting out my PIN number
it's just been everyone here
you don't have to chase this two of us
just tell me normally
I just spare key hidden in the garden place
where
between the acacia and the agapanthus
I don't know what those plans are
but when one has variegated leaves
oh that's Geraldine there right okay nice okay good boy
yeah goodbye
look after yourself now
okay and and and remember if I said now
okay don't answer the door to oh okay
okay good luck right
okay goodbye oh and and don't forget
yes okay goodbye
and no part no
goodbye mum
just go Jesus Christ
I forgot my keys
hello there Oisín um I forgot my keys there now
I'm not supposed to answer the door to anyone
When Your Parents Make You Do Gardening
I need your help in the garden
oh no you promised Oisín
right a small help yeah
they were the conditions
I'm going to the Disco
fine look we'll be done in five minutes
we'll be done in 20 minutes 14 hours
what let's start with the Hedge grab the garden shears
we're not just use the electric one
God no
oh yeah of course now
that would just make the job go quickly
far too dangerous far too dangerous
I'm not spending the next 24 hours in a e
yeah it would be more fun than gardening
I will give you five euro an hour
five euro
well I had to spend 400 Euro in all the garden center stuff
that's supposed to make me feel better is it
knowing that you spend more on the garden
than you do on me
I spend enough on you mister
right yeah can we listen to a podcast
no
can we listen to music
no
can we listen to the radio
no
you can listen to the birds Oisín Nature's music
how's going on everyone
if you're here to save him Barry
you can wait another two hours
Oisín could you give me the whole pet
what does it say the whole of
sorry the I need a hoe
you need you need a hoe
yes
you need a hoe
yes I need a hoe
well I go get you a hoe
yes could you get me a hoe please
oh that's anaconda's cash that's what that is
oh where'd you pick it up
they're nice first they're weeds
well I think there's the welfares
they're weeds pull them up
why do they look nice
they may look nice the bees might like them
but they're weeds pull them up
a moment's filthy inside
there's nothing wrong with that glove it's brand new
what is the point of a glove that's dirty on the inside
whether two of you now are a great help
there's a b well now
they are more afraid of you than they have a bastard get away no do
you see them there they are the delphiniums right
and beside them is the azaleas
and here we have I think it's the Montana titilatus
what
Montana titilatus
maybe we could take a break
and have some ice creams
oh yeah
you haven't done anything
baby Magnums you know they're limited
no we don't have any magnets need the frozen peas
I'll get them right that's it now
does it look great
yeah
no you should be very proud of yourself
you did terrific work
yeah it wasn't as bad as I thought
yeah and it'll be great now for
when the gardeners come in tomorrow
what
we've given them a great head start here
why don't you just get the gardeners to do all this
except 25 Euro an hour and the whole day
When Your Parents Won't Let You Decorate The Tree
rotate rotate stop that side's a bit patchy your
mom it's all the same
no I preferred it the other way
rotate rotate
I don't know why your father insists on
getting a monstrosity of a tree every year
it's far too big where does he think it's going
a shopping center
the car is destroyed pine needles everywhere
AC Euro that fella in the tree place is a crook
is this the right box
but he saw your father coming anyway
mom is this the Box
none shed my eye
mom
Joe I'd say he's declaring only half that money
Mom
I have a right mind to go back down to him
Mom
there is no need that's the round boxes right
now I leave you to decorate it off
okay okay great yeah
I'm getting on with the pudding here
now okay I'd start with the lights
oh yeah yeah okay okay yeah
from the bottom now not the top
okay
not the multicolored ones yeah
do you want to do this
no Oisín I don't want the flashing
Mom
it's like a disco I thought you were leaving it to me
right I'm gone I'm Gone
the good decorations I need to go in the front
so the people can see them from the road
so put them put that one there there now
and that that jangly one there
put that to the front there
I don't have time to use the plum pudding here
don't group the large Barbers
red then goes then red then
be careful with my porcelain Santa
you put two Barbers right beside each other
that one is very expensive
and then you have it hidden down below
here don't Clump the acorns in like that
that glass angel cost me seven pounds in 1995
wow I'm far too busy to be doing this
now well then go
I got this one when we were holidaying in Prague
which has been a very exciting holiday
Mom it's finished
yes nice job but we've done that all by yourself now have I
guess I should I would be very proud of that
now it is absolutely perfect I wouldn't change a thing
I would not change it I put those baubles up a bit maybe
and I bring the lights down
and I move that angel over here to the center
somewhere the ribbons don't go with the candy canes
and I completely change these words
hey Barry
I won't even ask you how you got in
you put another Christmas tree
yes save yourself
it's a bit big
wonderfully observed thank you
mine's already up
is it
yeah
well done Pat
so since last year
needs more Brandy
this is Flanagan pudding
delicious
get out of that kitchen
show me what you've touched up
Outro
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