[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.96,0:00:04.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was recently traveling\Nin the Highlands of New Guinea,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.09,0:00:06.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was talking with a man\Nwho had three wives.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.95,0:00:08.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I asked him,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.05,0:00:10.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How many wives would you like to have?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.54,0:00:11.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was this long pause,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.100,0:00:13.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought to myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.16,0:00:14.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Is he going to say five?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.77,0:00:16.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is going to say 10?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.18,0:00:18.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is he going to say 25?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.04,0:00:19.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he leaned towards me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.19,0:00:21.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he whispered, "None."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.07,0:00:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.63,0:00:28.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,86 percent of human societies\Npermit a man to have several wives:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.23,0:00:29.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,polygeny.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.29,0:00:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in the vast majority\Nof these cultures,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.33,0:00:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only about five or 10 percent of men\Nactually do have several wives.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.68,0:00:38.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having several partners\Ncan be a toothache.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.11,0:00:41.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, co-wives can\Nfight with each other,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.61,0:00:44.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes they can even poison\Neach others' children.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.57,0:00:46.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you've got to have a lot of cows,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.34,0:00:47.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of goats,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.36,0:00:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of money,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.36,0:00:49.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of land,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.36,0:00:50.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to build a harem.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.22,0:00:53.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are a pair-bonding species.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.55,0:00:57.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,97 percent of mammals do not\Npair up to rear their young;
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.11,0:00:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,human beings do.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.99,0:01:01.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not suggesting that we're not --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.17,0:01:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we're necessarily sexually\Nfaithful to our partners.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.38,0:01:07.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.24,0:01:09.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I [actually] understand\Nsome the genetics of it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.67,0:01:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some of the brain circuitry of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.50,0:01:13.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's very common around the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.56,0:01:15.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we are built to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.91,0:01:19.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How is technology changing love?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.69,0:01:22.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to say almost not at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.91,0:01:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I study the brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.29,0:01:28.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I and my colleagues have put\Nover 100 people into a brain scanner --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.04,0:01:31.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people who had just\Nfallen happily in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.29,0:01:33.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people who had just\Nbeen rejected in love
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.23,0:01:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people who are in love long-term.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.16,0:01:38.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it is possible\Nto remain "in love" long-term.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.77,0:01:40.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've long ago maintained
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.70,0:01:43.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we've evolved three distinctly\Ndifferent brain systems
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.63,0:01:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for mating and reproduction:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.49,0:01:46.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sex drive,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.67,0:01:48.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,feelings of intense romantic love
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.77,0:01:52.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and feelings of deep cosmic\Nattachment to a long-term partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.37,0:01:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And together,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.36,0:01:54.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these three brain systems --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.93,0:01:57.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with many other parts of the brain --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.44,0:02:02.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,orchestrate our sexual, our romantic\Nand our family lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.66,0:02:05.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they lie way below the cortex,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.03,0:02:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,way below the limbic system\Nwhere we feel our emotions --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.18,0:02:10.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,generate our emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.54,0:02:15.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They lie in the most primitive\Nparts of the brain linked with energy,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.32,0:02:16.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,focus,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.44,0:02:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,craving,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.44,0:02:18.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,motivation,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.44,0:02:19.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wanting
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.44,0:02:20.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and drive.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.73,0:02:21.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.88,0:02:24.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the drive to win life's greatest prize:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.51,0:02:25.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a mating partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.86,0:02:30.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They evolved over 4.4 million years ago\Namong our first ancestors,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.47,0:02:32.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're not going to change
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.16,0:02:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you sweep left of right on Tinder.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.04,0:02:36.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.29,0:02:38.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.00,0:02:43.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no question that technology\Nis changing the way we court:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.51,0:02:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,emailing, texting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.60,0:02:47.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,emojis to express your emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.59,0:02:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sexting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.80,0:02:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"liking" a photograph,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.16,0:02:51.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,selfies,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.27,0:02:55.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're seeing new rules\Nand taboos for how to court.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.16,0:02:58.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, you know --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.24,0:03:01.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is this actually\Ndramatically changing love?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.83,0:03:04.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What about the late 1940s,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.40,0:03:06.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the automobile became very popular
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.98,0:03:09.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.35,0:03:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.12,0:03:15.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How about the introduction\Nof the birth control pill?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.77,0:03:21.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unchained from the great\Nthreat of pregnancy and social ruin,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.20,0:03:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,women could finally express\Ntheir primitive and primal sexuality.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.87,0:03:28.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even dating sites are not changing love.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.91,0:03:31.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm chief scientific advisor to Match.com,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.39,0:03:33.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been it for 11 years.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.12,0:03:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I keep telling them --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.17,0:03:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they agree with me --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.36,0:03:36.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that these are not dating sites,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.91,0:03:38.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are introducing sites.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.22,0:03:41.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you sit down in a bar,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.64,0:03:43.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a coffee house,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.20,0:03:44.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a park bench,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.65,0:03:49.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your ancient brain snaps into action\Nlike a sleeping cat awakened,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.62,0:03:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you smile,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.86,0:03:51.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and laugh,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.94,0:03:53.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and listen
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.29,0:03:58.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and parade the way our ancestors\Ndid 100,000 years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.22,0:03:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.22,0:04:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can give you various people --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.80,0:04:02.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the dating sites can --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.23,0:04:06.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the only real algorithm\Nis your own human brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.23,0:04:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technology is not going to change that.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.17,0:04:13.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technology is also not going to change\Nwho you choose to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.84,0:04:16.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I study the biology of personality,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.65,0:04:17.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've come to believe
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.89,0:04:22.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we've evolved four very broad\Nstyles of thinking and behaving,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.19,0:04:23.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linked with the dopamine,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.39,0:04:24.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,serotonin,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.38,0:04:26.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,testosterone and estrogen systems.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.51,0:04:30.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I created a questionnaire\Ndirectly from brain science
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.62,0:04:31.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to measure the degree
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.97,0:04:33.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to which you express the traits --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.87,0:04:35.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the constellation of traits --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.65,0:04:38.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linked with each\Nof these four brain systems.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.14,0:04:44.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I then put that questionnaire\Non various match dating sites
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.42,0:04:46.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in 40 countries,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.08,0:04:50.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,14 million or more people\Nhave now taken the questionnaire,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.24,0:04:54.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've been able to watch\Nwho's naturally drawn to whom.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.63,0:04:56.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as it turns out,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.16,0:04:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those who were very expressive\Nof the dopamine system --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.81,0:05:01.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they tend to be curious, creative,\Nspontaneous, energetic,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.88,0:05:05.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would imagine there's an awful lot\Nof people like that in this room --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.27,0:05:07.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're drawn to people like themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.24,0:05:10.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Curious creative people need\Npeople like themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.77,0:05:13.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People who are very expressive\Nof the seratonin system
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.31,0:05:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tend to be traditional, conventional,\Nthey follow the rules,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.12,0:05:18.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they respect authority,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.05,0:05:19.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they tend to be religious --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.39,0:05:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,religiosity is in the serotonin system --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.58,0:05:24.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and traditional people\Ngo for traditional people.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.04,0:05:26.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In that way,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.17,0:05:27.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,similarity attracts.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.60,0:05:28.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the other two cases,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.80,0:05:29.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,opposites attract.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.93,0:05:32.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People very expressive\Nof the testosterone system
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.25,0:05:36.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tend to be analytical,\Nlogical, direct, decisive,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.05,0:05:37.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they go for their opposite:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.55,0:05:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they go for somebody who's high estrogen,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.88,0:05:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who's got\Nvery good verbal skills,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.14,0:05:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people skills,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.50,0:05:45.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who's very intuitive
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.07,0:05:48.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who's very nurturing\Nand emotionally expressive.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.64,0:05:51.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have natural patterns of mate choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.71,0:05:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Modern technology is not going\Nto change who we choose to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.57,0:06:00.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But technology is producing\None modern trend
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.24,0:06:01.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I find particularly important.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.30,0:06:06.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's associated with the concept\Nof paradox of choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.53,0:06:08.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Millions of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.06,0:06:10.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we lived in little hunting\Nand gathering groups.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.30,0:06:15.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You didn't have the opportunity to choose\Nbetween 1,000 people on a dating site.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.37,0:06:18.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I've been studying this recently
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.32,0:06:21.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I actually think there's some\Nsort of sweet spot in the brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.41,0:06:22.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't know what it is,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.75,0:06:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there's apparently,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.85,0:06:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from reading a lot of the data --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.58,0:06:29.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can embrace about\Nfive to nine alternatives,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.86,0:06:30.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and after that,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.98,0:06:34.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you get into what academics\Ncall "cognitive overload,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.18,0:06:35.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't choose any.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.41,0:06:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I've come to think that due\Nto this cognitive overload,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.48,0:06:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're ushering in a new form of courtship
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.90,0:06:44.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I call, "slow love."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.32,0:06:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I arrived at this during\Nmy work with Match.com.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.54,0:06:51.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every year for the last six years,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.25,0:06:53.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we've done a study called\N"Singles in America."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.02,0:06:55.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't poll the Match population,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.85,0:06:57.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we poll the American population.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.84,0:07:00.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We use 5,000 plus people,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.92,0:07:04.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a representative sample of Americans\Nbased on the US census.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.72,0:07:07.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got data now on over 30,000 people
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.70,0:07:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and every single year,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.15,0:07:12.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see some of the same patterns.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.64,0:07:15.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every single year when I ask the question,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.54,0:07:18.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over 50 percent of people\Nwho have had a one-night stand --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.30,0:07:21.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not necessarily last year\Nbut in their lives --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.01,0:07:23.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50 percent have had\Na friends with benefits
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.31,0:07:24.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during the course of their lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.91,0:07:28.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and over 50 percent have lived\Nwith a person long-term
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.48,0:07:29.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before marrying.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.05,0:07:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Americans think that this is reckless.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.23,0:07:35.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have doubted that for a long time;
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.11,0:07:37.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the patterns are too strong,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.13,0:07:39.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's got to be some\NDarwinian explanation --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.81,0:07:42.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not that many people are crazy --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.23,0:07:46.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I stumbled then on a statistic\Nthat really came home to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.43,0:07:49.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a very interesting academic article
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.05,0:07:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which I found that 67 percent\Nof singles in America today
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.08,0:07:56.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are living long-term with somebody,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.52,0:08:00.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have not yet married because\Nthey are terrified of divorce.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.63,0:08:04.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're terrified of the social,\Nlegal, emotional,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.24,0:08:06.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,economic consequences of divorce.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.97,0:08:10.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I came to realize that I don't think\Nthat this is recklessness,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.89,0:08:12.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that it's caution.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.04,0:08:17.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Today's singles want to know every\Nsingle thing about a partner
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.90,0:08:19.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before they wed.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.73,0:08:21.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You learn a lot between the sheets:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.68,0:08:24.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not only about how somebody makes love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.15,0:08:25.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but whether they're kind,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.59,0:08:26.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether they can listen,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.90,0:08:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at my age,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.91,0:08:29.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether they've got a sense of humor.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.71,0:08:31.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.49,0:08:35.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in an age where we\Nhave too many choices,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.41,0:08:38.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we have very little fear\Nof pregnancy and disease,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.69,0:08:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we've got no feeling of shame\Nfor sex before marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.42,0:08:46.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think people are taking\Ntheir time to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.56,0:08:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And actually what's happening is --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.28,0:08:52.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what we're seeing is a real expansion\Nof the precommitment stage
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.52,0:08:54.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before you tie the knot.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.28,0:08:57.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where marriage used to be\Nthe beginning of a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.03,0:08:58.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now it's the finale.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.68,0:09:01.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the human brain --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.68,0:09:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.43,0:09:05.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The human brain always triumphs,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.27,0:09:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and indeed in the United States today,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.10,0:09:10.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,86 percent of Americans\Nwill marry by age 49,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.76,0:09:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even in cultures around the world\Nwhere they're not marrying as often,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.24,0:09:17.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are settling down eventually\Nwith a long-term partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.70,0:09:19.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it began to occur to me --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.82,0:09:24.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during this long extension\Nof the precommitment stage,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.08,0:09:27.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you can get rid of bad\Nrelationships before you marry,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.20,0:09:29.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe we're going to see\Nmore happy marriages.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.99,0:09:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I did a study of 1100\Nmarried people in America --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.04,0:09:36.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not on Match.com, of course --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.72,0:09:38.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I asked them a lot of questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.86,0:09:40.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one of the questions was,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.39,0:09:45.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Would you re-marry the person\Nyou're currently married to?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.03,0:09:47.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And 81 percent said, "yes."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.82,0:09:50.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.14,0:09:55.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the greatest change in modern\Nromance and family life
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.34,0:09:57.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not technology --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.29,0:09:59.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's not even slow love --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.35,0:10:03.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's actually women piling into the job\Nmarket in cultures around the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.89,0:10:05.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For millions of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.24,0:10:08.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our ancestors lived in little\Nhunting and gathering groups.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.07,0:10:11.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Women commuted to work\Nto gather their fruits and vegetables.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.08,0:10:14.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They came home with 60 to 80\Npercent of the evening meal.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.68,0:10:17.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The double-income family was the rule.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.45,0:10:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And women were regarded as just\Nas economically,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.34,0:10:21.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,socially
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.34,0:10:24.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sexually powerful as men.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.52,0:10:27.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then the environment changed\Nsome 10,000 years ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.65,0:10:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we began to settle down on the farm,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.90,0:10:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and both men and women,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.54,0:10:33.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they became obliged, really
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.11,0:10:34.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to marry the right person,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.71,0:10:36.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the right background,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.16,0:10:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the right religion
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.48,0:10:41.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and from the right kin and social\Nand political connections.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.05,0:10:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Men's jobs became more important:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.62,0:10:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they have to move the rocks,\Nfell the trees, plow the land.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.38,0:10:47.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They brought the produce\Noff to local markets
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.48,0:10:49.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and came home with\Nthe equivalent of money.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.88,0:10:51.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And along with this,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.42,0:10:54.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we see a rise of a host of beliefs.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.42,0:10:56.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The belief of virginity at marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.67,0:10:57.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,arragned marriages --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.87,0:10:59.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,strictly arranged marriages --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.68,0:11:02.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the belief that the man\Nis the head of the household,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.24,0:11:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the wife's place is in the home,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.50,0:11:05.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most important:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.68,0:11:07.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,honor thy husband,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.06,0:11:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and 'til death do us part.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.80,0:11:10.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.64,0:11:11.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are going,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.73,0:11:13.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in many places,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.07,0:11:14.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.62,0:11:17.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are right now in a marriage revolution.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.96,0:11:22.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are shedding 10,000 years\Nof our farming tradition
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.64,0:11:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and moving forward towards egalitarian\Nrelationships between the sexes,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.29,0:11:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something that I regard as highly\Ncompatible with the ancient human spirit.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.74,0:11:35.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not a Pollyanna;
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.58,0:11:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a great deal to cry about.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.29,0:11:39.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I studied divorce in 80 cultures,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.08,0:11:41.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I studied, as I say, adultery in many --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.21,0:11:42.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a whole pile of problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.94,0:11:44.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As William Butler Yates,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.85,0:11:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the poet once said,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.41,0:11:49.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is the crooked thing."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.39,0:11:50.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would add,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.39,0:11:52.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Nobody gets out alive."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.20,0:11:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.20,0:11:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.10,0:11:56.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in fact,\N
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.10,0:11:58.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think the poet Randall Jerrell\Nreally sums it up best.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.71,0:12:03.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, "The dark, uneasy\Nworld of family life --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.75,0:12:08.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where the greatest can fail\Nand the humblest succeed."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.89,0:12:10.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I will leave you with this:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.94,0:12:13.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love and attachment will prevail,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.62,0:12:16.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,technology cannot change it.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.10,0:12:17.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I will conclude by saying
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.86,0:12:21.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that any understanding\Nof human relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.42,0:12:23.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,must take into account
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.43,0:12:27.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one the most powerful\Ndeterminants of human behavior:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.61,0:12:29.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the unquenchable,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.50,0:12:31.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,adaptable,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.22,0:12:34.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and primordial human drive to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.03,0:12:35.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.21,0:12:38.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.07,0:12:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you\Nso much for that, Helen.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.53,0:12:44.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you know, there's\Nanother speaker here with us
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.86,0:12:46.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that works in your same field.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.82,0:12:49.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She comes at it\Nfrom a different perspective.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.19,0:12:53.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther Perel is a psychotherapist\Nwho works with couples.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.84,0:12:55.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You study data,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.15,0:12:57.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther studies the stories\Nthe couples tell her
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.79,0:12:59.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they come to her for help.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.75,0:13:01.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's have her join us on the stage.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.48,0:13:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.97,0:13:04.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.50,0:13:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So Esther,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.86,0:13:14.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you were watching Helen's talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.10,0:13:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was there any part of it\Nthat sort of resonated with you
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.75,0:13:18.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through the lens of your own work
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.33,0:13:19.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you'd like the comment on?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.40,0:13:23.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: So it's interesting because\Non the one hand,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.84,0:13:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the need for love\Nis ubiquitous and universal,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.18,0:13:30.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the way we love --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.13,0:13:31.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the meaning we make out of it --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.69,0:13:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rules that govern our relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.83,0:13:35.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think are changing fundamentally.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.05,0:13:37.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We come from a model
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.84,0:13:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that until now was primarily regulated\Naround duty and obligation,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.32,0:13:43.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the needs for the collective,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.90,0:13:44.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and loyalty.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.97,0:13:47.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we have shifted it\Nto a model of free choice
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.87,0:13:51.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and individual rights,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.10,0:13:53.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and self-fulfillment and happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.71,0:13:55.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so that was the first thing I thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.93,0:13:58.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that the need doesn't change,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.02,0:14:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the context and the way we regulate\Nthese relationships changes a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.76,0:14:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the paradox of choice --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.78,0:14:07.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.33,0:14:09.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the one hand we relish the novelty
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.30,0:14:11.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the playfulness I think,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.04,0:14:13.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be able to have so many options.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.59,0:14:15.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the same time,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.03,0:14:17.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as you talk about this cognitive overload,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.47,0:14:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see many, many people who ...
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.68,0:14:26.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.78,0:14:29.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that comes with this [matter] of choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.28,0:14:31.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,creating a case of "FOMO"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.70,0:14:33.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then leading us --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.26,0:14:36.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,\Nor fear of missing out --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.68,0:14:39.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's like, "How do I know\NI have found the one --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.64,0:14:40.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the right one?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.77,0:14:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we've created what I call\Nthis thing of "stable ambiguity."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.80,0:14:48.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Stable ambiguity is when\Nyou are too afraid to be alone,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.58,0:14:52.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but also not really willing\Nto engage in intimacy-building.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.59,0:14:57.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong\Nthe uncertainty of a relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.86,0:15:00.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but also the uncertainty of the breakup.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.49,0:15:03.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here on the Internet\Nyou have three major ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.59,0:15:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One is icing and simmering,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.09,0:15:08.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which are great stalling tactics
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.71,0:15:11.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that offer a kind of holding pattern
Dialogue: 0,0:15:11.21,0:15:15.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that emphasizes the undefined\Nnature of a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.26,0:15:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but at the same time gives you\Nenough of a comforting consistency
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.40,0:15:22.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and enough freedom\Nof the undefined boundaries.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.42,0:15:24.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laugther)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.27,0:15:25.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.34,0:15:27.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then comes ghosting.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.10,0:15:29.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ghosting is basically,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.04,0:15:33.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, you disappear from\Nthis [matter] of texts on the spot,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.67,0:15:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't have to deal with the pain\Nthat you inflict on another
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.48,0:15:40.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you're making it\Ninvisible even to yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.22,0:15:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.22,0:15:42.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.22,0:15:43.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was thinking --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.91,0:15:47.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these words came up for me\Nas I was listening to you --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.28,0:15:52.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like how a vocabulary\Ncreates also a reality,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:52.21,0:15:53.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at the same time,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.100,0:15:55.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's my question to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.70,0:15:58.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you think when the context changes,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.75,0:16:02.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it still means that the nature\Nof love remains the same?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.41,0:16:06.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You study the brain and I study\Npeople's relationships and stories,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.65,0:16:10.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I think it's everything you say, plus.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.83,0:16:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I don't always know
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.33,0:16:15.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the degree to which a changing context --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.54,0:16:18.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,does it at some point begin to change --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.25,0:16:19.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if the meaning changes,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.46,0:16:20.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,does it change the need,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.88,0:16:23.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or is the need clear\Nof the entire context?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.80,0:16:24.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: Wow.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.97,0:16:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.06,0:16:27.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.70,0:16:29.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.24,0:16:34.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, I've got three points here, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.87,0:16:36.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well first of all to your first one:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:36.59,0:16:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's no question that we've changed,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.44,0:16:39.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we now want a personal love
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.98,0:16:42.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that for thousands of years\Nwe had to marry the right person
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.98,0:16:45.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the right background\Nand the right connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.39,0:16:46.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in fact,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.39,0:16:48.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my studies of 5,000 people every year,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.96,0:16:51.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ask them, "What are you looking for?"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:51.07,0:16:54.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And every single year\Nover 97 percent say --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:54.02,0:16:55.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: And this grows --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.35,0:16:56.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: Well, no.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.35,0:16:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The basic thing is\Nover 97 percent of people
Dialogue: 0,0:16:59.50,0:17:01.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,want somebody that respects them,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:01.74,0:17:04.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody that they\Ncan trust and confide in,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.19,0:17:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who makes them laugh,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.96,0:17:07.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who makes enough time for them
Dialogue: 0,0:17:07.83,0:17:11.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and somebody who they find\Nphysically attractive.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.66,0:17:13.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That never changes.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.03,0:17:14.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's certainly --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.89,0:17:16.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know there's two parts --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.27,0:17:17.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: But you know how I call that?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.87,0:17:20.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like, that's not\Nwhat people used to say --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.15,0:17:21.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: That's exactly right.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:21.40,0:17:24.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: They wanted somebody\Nwith whom they have companionship,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.19,0:17:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,economic support, children --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.58,0:17:28.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we went from a production economy\Nto a service economy --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.27,0:17:29.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laugther)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.27,0:17:32.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We did it in the larger culture\Nand we're doing it in marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.22,0:17:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: There's no question about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.80,0:17:34.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's interesting,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:34.81,0:17:37.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,millennials actually want\Nto be very good parents,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:37.76,0:17:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whereas the generation above them\Nwants to have a very fine marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.18,0:17:44.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is not as focused\Non being a good parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.86,0:17:46.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see all of these nuances.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.59,0:17:49.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's two basic parts of personality:
Dialogue: 0,0:17:49.17,0:17:50.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's your culture --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.27,0:17:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything you grew up to do\Nand believe and say --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.69,0:17:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there's your temperament.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:54.08,0:17:57.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And basically what I've been\Ntalking about is your temperament.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.03,0:18:00.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that temperament is certainly\Ngoing to change with changing times
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.27,0:18:02.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and changing beliefs.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:02.12,0:18:05.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in terms of the paradox of choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.17,0:18:06.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's no question about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.56,0:18:07.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that this is a pickle.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:07.72,0:18:09.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There were millions of years
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.06,0:18:12.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you found that sweet boy\Nat the other side of the water hole
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.17,0:18:13.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you went for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.20,0:18:14.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: Yes, but --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.20,0:18:16.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: I do want to say one more thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.36,0:18:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottom line is in hunting\Nand gathering societies,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.92,0:18:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they tended to have two or three\Npartners during the course of their lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.44,0:18:23.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean they weren't square.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.77,0:18:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not suggesting that we do,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.39,0:18:29.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but bottom line is we've\Nalways had alternatives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:29.63,0:18:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mankind is always --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.20,0:18:32.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in fact the brain is well-built
Dialogue: 0,0:18:32.96,0:18:34.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to what we call equilibrate,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:34.30,0:18:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to try and decide:
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.36,0:18:36.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do I come, do I stay?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.49,0:18:38.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do I go, do I stay?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:38.06,0:18:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the opportunities here?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:39.58,0:18:40.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do I handle this there?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.88,0:18:44.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I think we're seeing\Nanother play out of that now.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.17,0:18:45.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,KS: Well, thank you both so much.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:45.77,0:18:49.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[I think you're going to have] \Na million dinner partners for tonight.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:49.05,0:18:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.86,0:18:52.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, thank you.