0:00:00.963,0:00:04.087 I was recently traveling[br]in the Highlands of New Guinea, 0:00:04.087,0:00:06.719 and I was talking with a man[br]who had three wives. 0:00:06.953,0:00:08.051 And I asked him, 0:00:08.051,0:00:10.300 "How many wives would you like to have?" 0:00:10.539,0:00:11.996 And there was this long pause, 0:00:11.996,0:00:13.158 and I thought to myself, 0:00:13.158,0:00:14.769 "Is he going to say five? 0:00:14.769,0:00:16.179 Is going to say 10? 0:00:16.179,0:00:18.044 Is he going to say 25?" 0:00:18.044,0:00:19.189 And he leaned towards me 0:00:19.189,0:00:21.073 and he whispered, "None." 0:00:21.073,0:00:22.439 (Laughter) 0:00:23.626,0:00:28.232 86 percent of human societies[br]permit a man to have several wives: 0:00:28.232,0:00:29.286 polygeny. 0:00:29.286,0:00:31.332 But in the vast majority[br]of these cultures, 0:00:31.332,0:00:35.355 only about five or 10 percent of men[br]actually do have several wives. 0:00:35.678,0:00:38.109 Having several partners[br]can be a toothache. 0:00:38.109,0:00:41.613 In fact, co-wives can[br]fight with each other, 0:00:41.613,0:00:44.574 sometimes they can even poison[br]each others' children. 0:00:44.574,0:00:46.341 And you've got to have a lot of cows, 0:00:46.341,0:00:47.356 a lot of goats, 0:00:47.356,0:00:48.358 a lot of money, 0:00:48.358,0:00:49.361 a lot of land, 0:00:49.361,0:00:50.927 in order to build a harem. 0:00:51.215,0:00:53.551 We are a pair-bonding species. 0:00:53.551,0:00:57.112 97 percent of mammals do not[br]pair up to rear their young; 0:00:57.112,0:00:58.994 human beings do. 0:00:58.994,0:01:01.167 I'm not suggesting that we're not -- 0:01:01.167,0:01:04.376 that we're necessarily sexually[br]faithful to our partners. 0:01:04.376,0:01:07.245 I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures, 0:01:07.245,0:01:09.669 I [actually] understand[br]some the genetics of it, 0:01:09.669,0:01:11.497 and some of the brain circuitry of it. 0:01:11.497,0:01:13.562 It's very common around the world, 0:01:13.562,0:01:15.499 but we are built to love. 0:01:15.907,0:01:19.386 How is technology changing love? 0:01:19.690,0:01:22.309 I'm going to say almost not at all. 0:01:22.911,0:01:24.288 I study the brain. 0:01:24.288,0:01:28.041 I and my colleagues have put[br]over 100 people into a brain scanner -- 0:01:28.041,0:01:31.287 people who had just[br]fallen happily in love, 0:01:31.287,0:01:33.234 people who had just[br]been rejected in love 0:01:33.234,0:01:35.160 and people who are in love long-term. 0:01:35.160,0:01:38.176 And it is possible[br]to remain "in love" long-term. 0:01:38.774,0:01:40.703 And I've long ago maintained 0:01:40.703,0:01:43.628 that we've evolved three distinctly[br]different brain systems 0:01:43.628,0:01:45.488 for mating and reproduction: 0:01:45.488,0:01:46.674 sex drive, 0:01:46.674,0:01:48.767 feelings of intense romantic love 0:01:48.767,0:01:52.369 and feelings of deep cosmic[br]attachment to a long-term partner. 0:01:52.369,0:01:53.365 And together, 0:01:53.365,0:01:54.934 these three brain systems -- 0:01:54.934,0:01:57.445 with many other parts of the brain -- 0:01:57.445,0:02:02.665 orchestrate our sexual, our romantic[br]and our family lives. 0:02:02.665,0:02:05.034 But they lie way below the cortex, 0:02:05.034,0:02:09.185 way below the limbic system[br]where we feel our emotions -- 0:02:09.185,0:02:10.541 generate our emotions. 0:02:10.541,0:02:15.319 They lie in the most primitive[br]parts of the brain linked with energy, 0:02:15.319,0:02:16.440 focus, 0:02:16.440,0:02:17.440 craving, 0:02:17.440,0:02:18.439 motivation, 0:02:18.439,0:02:19.442 wanting 0:02:19.442,0:02:20.733 and drive. 0:02:20.733,0:02:21.875 In this case, 0:02:21.875,0:02:24.507 the drive to win life's greatest prize: 0:02:24.507,0:02:25.861 a mating partner. 0:02:25.861,0:02:30.472 They evolved over 4.4 million years ago[br]among our first ancestors, 0:02:30.472,0:02:32.164 and they're not going to change 0:02:32.164,0:02:35.041 if you sweep left of right on Tinder. 0:02:35.041,0:02:36.291 (Laughter) 0:02:36.291,0:02:38.270 (Applause) 0:02:39.000,0:02:43.511 There's no question that technology[br]is changing the way we court: 0:02:43.511,0:02:45.596 emailing, texting, 0:02:45.596,0:02:47.594 emojis to express your emotions, 0:02:47.594,0:02:48.802 sexting, 0:02:48.802,0:02:50.159 "liking" a photograph, 0:02:50.159,0:02:51.268 selfies, 0:02:51.268,0:02:55.380 we're seeing new rules[br]and taboos for how to court. 0:02:56.158,0:02:58.242 But, you know -- 0:02:58.242,0:03:01.337 is this actually[br]dramatically changing love? 0:03:01.834,0:03:04.399 What about the late 1940s, 0:03:04.399,0:03:06.983 when the automobile became very popular 0:03:06.983,0:03:09.352 and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms? 0:03:09.352,0:03:10.704 (Laughter) 0:03:11.117,0:03:15.768 How about the introduction[br]of the birth control pill? 0:03:15.768,0:03:21.196 Unchained from the great[br]threat of pregnancy and social ruin, 0:03:21.196,0:03:25.581 women could finally express[br]their primitive and primal sexuality. 0:03:25.867,0:03:28.907 Even dating sites are not changing love. 0:03:28.907,0:03:31.387 I'm chief scientific advisor to Match.com, 0:03:31.387,0:03:33.117 I've been it for 11 years. 0:03:33.117,0:03:34.167 I keep telling them -- 0:03:34.167,0:03:35.361 and they agree with me -- 0:03:35.361,0:03:36.911 that these are not dating sites, 0:03:36.911,0:03:38.950 they are introducing sites. 0:03:39.224,0:03:41.640 When you sit down in a bar, 0:03:41.640,0:03:43.198 in a coffee house, 0:03:43.198,0:03:44.646 on a park bench, 0:03:44.646,0:03:49.615 your ancient brain snaps into action[br]like a sleeping cat awakened, 0:03:49.615,0:03:50.859 and you smile, 0:03:50.859,0:03:51.939 and laugh, 0:03:51.939,0:03:53.294 and listen 0:03:53.294,0:03:58.218 and parade the way our ancestors[br]did 100,000 years ago. 0:03:58.218,0:03:59.218 (Laughter) 0:03:59.218,0:04:00.797 We can give you various people -- 0:04:00.797,0:04:02.233 all the dating sites can -- 0:04:02.233,0:04:06.229 but the only real algorithm[br]is your own human brain. 0:04:06.229,0:04:08.801 Technology is not going to change that. 0:04:09.169,0:04:13.638 Technology is also not going to change[br]who you choose to love. 0:04:13.836,0:04:16.652 I study the biology of personality, 0:04:16.652,0:04:17.887 and I've come to believe 0:04:17.887,0:04:22.193 that we've evolved four very broad[br]styles of thinking and behaving, 0:04:22.193,0:04:23.393 linked with the dopamine, 0:04:23.393,0:04:24.385 serotonin, 0:04:24.385,0:04:26.509 testosterone and estrogen systems. 0:04:26.509,0:04:30.615 So I created a questionnaire[br]directly from brain science 0:04:30.615,0:04:31.970 to measure the degree 0:04:31.970,0:04:33.871 to which you express the traits -- 0:04:33.871,0:04:35.648 the constellation of traits -- 0:04:35.648,0:04:38.769 linked with each[br]of these four brain systems. 0:04:39.139,0:04:44.415 I then put that questionnaire[br]on various match dating sites 0:04:44.415,0:04:46.081 in 40 countries, 0:04:46.081,0:04:50.239 14 million or more people[br]have now taken the questionnaire, 0:04:50.239,0:04:54.164 and I've been able to watch[br]who's naturally drawn to whom. 0:04:54.629,0:04:56.163 And as it turns out, 0:04:56.163,0:04:58.806 those who were very expressive[br]of the dopamine system -- 0:04:58.806,0:05:01.885 they tend to be curious, creative,[br]spontaneous, energetic, 0:05:01.885,0:05:05.270 I would imagine there's an awful lot[br]of people like that in this room -- 0:05:05.270,0:05:07.241 they're drawn to people like themselves. 0:05:07.241,0:05:10.506 Curious creative people need[br]people like themselves. 0:05:10.766,0:05:13.312 People who are very expressive[br]of the seratonin system 0:05:13.312,0:05:16.118 tend to be traditional, conventional,[br]they follow the rules, 0:05:16.118,0:05:18.050 they respect authority, 0:05:18.050,0:05:19.386 they tend to be religious -- 0:05:19.386,0:05:21.584 religiosity is in the serotonin system -- 0:05:21.584,0:05:24.702 and traditional people[br]go for traditional people. 0:05:25.040,0:05:26.170 In that way, 0:05:26.170,0:05:27.604 similarity attracts. 0:05:27.604,0:05:28.796 In the other two cases, 0:05:28.796,0:05:29.927 opposites attract. 0:05:29.927,0:05:32.247 People very expressive[br]of the testosterone system 0:05:32.247,0:05:36.047 tend to be analytical,[br]logical, direct, decisive, 0:05:36.047,0:05:37.552 and they go for their opposite: 0:05:37.552,0:05:39.878 they go for somebody who's high estrogen, 0:05:39.878,0:05:42.143 somebody who's got[br]very good verbal skills, 0:05:42.143,0:05:43.495 and people skills, 0:05:43.495,0:05:45.071 who's very intuitive 0:05:45.071,0:05:48.382 and who's very nurturing[br]and emotionally expressive. 0:05:48.639,0:05:51.301 We have natural patterns of mate choice. 0:05:51.707,0:05:56.763 Modern technology is not going[br]to change who we choose to love. 0:05:57.568,0:06:00.237 But technology is producing[br]one modern trend 0:06:00.237,0:06:01.973 that I find particularly important. 0:06:02.295,0:06:06.226 It's associated with the concept[br]of paradox of choice. 0:06:06.531,0:06:08.063 Millions of years, 0:06:08.063,0:06:10.301 we lived in little hunting[br]and gathering groups. 0:06:10.301,0:06:15.876 You didn't have the opportunity to choose[br]between 1,000 people on a dating site. 0:06:16.366,0:06:18.317 In fact, I've been studying this recently 0:06:18.317,0:06:21.410 and I actually think there's some[br]sort of sweet spot in the brain, 0:06:21.410,0:06:22.753 and I don't know what it is, 0:06:22.753,0:06:23.848 but there's apparently, 0:06:23.848,0:06:25.577 from reading a lot of the data -- 0:06:25.577,0:06:29.858 we can embrace about[br]five to nine alternatives, 0:06:29.858,0:06:30.982 and after that, 0:06:30.982,0:06:34.180 you get into what academics[br]call "cognitive overload," 0:06:34.180,0:06:35.981 and you don't choose any. 0:06:36.406,0:06:39.481 So I've come to think that due[br]to this cognitive overload, 0:06:39.481,0:06:42.904 we're ushering in a new form of courtship 0:06:42.904,0:06:44.961 that I call, "slow love." 0:06:45.315,0:06:48.862 I arrived at this during[br]my work with Match.com. 0:06:49.543,0:06:51.247 Every year for the last six years, 0:06:51.247,0:06:53.672 we've done a study called[br]"Singles in America." 0:06:54.021,0:06:55.852 We don't poll the Match population, 0:06:55.852,0:06:57.835 we poll the American population. 0:06:57.835,0:07:00.921 We use 5,000 plus people, 0:07:00.921,0:07:04.720 a representative sample of Americans[br]based on the US census. 0:07:04.720,0:07:07.698 We've got data now on over 30,000 people 0:07:07.698,0:07:10.150 and every single year, 0:07:10.150,0:07:12.636 I see some of the same patterns. 0:07:12.636,0:07:15.537 Every single year when I ask the question, 0:07:15.537,0:07:18.295 over 50 percent of people[br]who have had a one-night stand -- 0:07:18.295,0:07:21.013 not necessarily last year[br]but in their lives -- 0:07:21.013,0:07:23.309 50 percent have had[br]a friends with benefits 0:07:23.309,0:07:24.914 during the course of their lives, 0:07:24.914,0:07:28.485 and over 50 percent have lived[br]with a person long-term 0:07:28.485,0:07:29.826 before marrying. 0:07:30.050,0:07:32.227 Americans think that this is reckless. 0:07:32.227,0:07:35.106 I have doubted that for a long time; 0:07:35.106,0:07:37.126 the patterns are too strong, 0:07:37.126,0:07:39.806 there's got to be some[br]Darwinian explanation -- 0:07:39.806,0:07:42.232 not that many people are crazy -- 0:07:42.232,0:07:46.027 and so I stumbled then on a statistic[br]that really came home to me. 0:07:46.426,0:07:49.048 It was a very interesting academic article 0:07:49.048,0:07:54.084 in which I found that 67 percent[br]of singles in America today 0:07:54.084,0:07:56.521 who are living long-term with somebody, 0:07:56.521,0:08:00.631 have not yet married because[br]they are terrified of divorce. 0:08:00.631,0:08:04.235 They're terrified of the social,[br]legal, emotional, 0:08:04.235,0:08:06.973 economic consequences of divorce. 0:08:06.973,0:08:10.893 So I came to realize that I don't think[br]that this is recklessness, 0:08:10.893,0:08:12.778 I think that it's caution. 0:08:13.037,0:08:17.901 Today's singles want to know every[br]single thing about a partner 0:08:17.901,0:08:19.732 before they wed. 0:08:19.732,0:08:21.684 You learn a lot between the sheets: 0:08:21.684,0:08:24.146 not only about how somebody makes love, 0:08:24.146,0:08:25.587 but whether they're kind, 0:08:25.587,0:08:26.905 whether they can listen, 0:08:26.905,0:08:27.906 and at my age, 0:08:27.906,0:08:29.707 whether they've got a sense of humor. 0:08:29.707,0:08:31.109 (Laughter) 0:08:31.492,0:08:35.409 And in an age where we[br]have too many choices, 0:08:35.409,0:08:38.694 and we have very little fear[br]of pregnancy and disease, 0:08:38.694,0:08:42.421 and we've got no feeling of shame[br]for sex before marriage, 0:08:42.425,0:08:46.266 I think people are taking[br]their time to love. 0:08:46.559,0:08:48.283 And actually what's happening is -- 0:08:48.283,0:08:52.521 what we're seeing is a real expansion[br]of the precommitment stage 0:08:52.521,0:08:54.281 before you tie the knot. 0:08:54.281,0:08:57.030 Where marriage used to be[br]the beginning of a relationship, 0:08:57.030,0:08:58.965 now it's the finale. 0:08:59.675,0:09:01.681 But the human brain -- 0:09:01.681,0:09:02.978 (Laughter) 0:09:03.433,0:09:05.270 The human brain always triumphs, 0:09:05.270,0:09:07.105 and indeed in the United States today, 0:09:07.105,0:09:10.763 86 percent of Americans[br]will marry by age 49, 0:09:10.763,0:09:14.239 and even in cultures around the world[br]where they're not marrying as often, 0:09:14.239,0:09:17.697 they are settling down eventually[br]with a long-term partner. 0:09:17.697,0:09:19.821 So it began to occur to me -- 0:09:19.821,0:09:24.078 during this long extension[br]of the precommitment stage, 0:09:24.078,0:09:27.204 if you can get rid of bad[br]relationships before you marry, 0:09:27.204,0:09:29.651 maybe we're going to see[br]more happy marriages. 0:09:29.989,0:09:35.040 So I did a study of 1100[br]married people in America -- 0:09:35.040,0:09:36.720 not on Match.com, of course -- 0:09:36.720,0:09:38.859 and I asked them a lot of questions, 0:09:38.859,0:09:40.389 but one of the questions was, 0:09:40.389,0:09:45.029 "Would you re-marry the person[br]you're currently married to?" 0:09:45.029,0:09:47.894 And 81 percent said, "yes." 0:09:48.820,0:09:50.139 In fact, 0:09:50.139,0:09:55.339 the greatest change in modern[br]romance and family life 0:09:55.339,0:09:57.292 is not technology -- 0:09:57.292,0:09:59.354 it's not even slow love -- 0:09:59.354,0:10:03.519 it's actually women piling into the job[br]market in cultures around the world. 0:10:03.886,0:10:05.239 For millions of years, 0:10:05.239,0:10:08.070 our ancestors lived in little[br]hunting and gathering groups. 0:10:08.070,0:10:11.076 Women commuted to work[br]to gather their fruits and vegetables. 0:10:11.076,0:10:14.679 They came home with 60 to 80[br]percent of the evening meal. 0:10:14.679,0:10:17.249 The double-income family was the rule. 0:10:17.451,0:10:20.344 And women were regarded as just[br]as economically, 0:10:20.344,0:10:21.339 socially 0:10:21.339,0:10:24.306 and sexually powerful as men. 0:10:24.521,0:10:27.646 Then the environment changed[br]some 10,000 years ago, 0:10:27.646,0:10:29.898 we began to settle down on the farm, 0:10:29.898,0:10:31.536 and both men and women, 0:10:31.536,0:10:33.111 they became obliged, really 0:10:33.111,0:10:34.706 to marry the right person, 0:10:34.706,0:10:36.159 from the right background, 0:10:36.159,0:10:37.485 from the right religion 0:10:37.485,0:10:41.046 and from the right kin and social[br]and political connections. 0:10:41.046,0:10:42.616 Men's jobs became more important: 0:10:42.616,0:10:45.383 they have to move the rocks,[br]fell the trees, plow the land. 0:10:45.383,0:10:47.475 They brought the produce[br]off to local markets 0:10:47.475,0:10:49.599 and came home with[br]the equivalent of money. 0:10:49.879,0:10:51.425 And along with this, 0:10:51.425,0:10:54.425 we see a rise of a host of beliefs. 0:10:54.425,0:10:56.671 The belief of virginity at marriage, 0:10:56.671,0:10:57.867 arragned marriages -- 0:10:57.867,0:10:59.679 strictly arranged marriages -- 0:10:59.679,0:11:02.240 the belief that the man[br]is the head of the household, 0:11:02.240,0:11:04.502 that the wife's place is in the home, 0:11:04.502,0:11:05.678 and most important: 0:11:05.678,0:11:07.062 honor thy husband, 0:11:07.062,0:11:08.799 and 'til death do us part. 0:11:08.799,0:11:10.641 These are gone. 0:11:10.641,0:11:11.730 They are going, 0:11:11.730,0:11:13.069 and in many places, 0:11:13.069,0:11:14.619 they are gone. 0:11:14.619,0:11:17.554 We are right now in a marriage revolution. 0:11:17.963,0:11:22.639 We are shedding 10,000 years[br]of our farming tradition 0:11:22.639,0:11:28.288 and moving forward towards egalitarian[br]relationships between the sexes, 0:11:28.288,0:11:33.103 something that I regard as highly[br]compatible with the ancient human spirit. 0:11:33.745,0:11:35.582 I'm not a Pollyanna; 0:11:35.582,0:11:37.288 there's a great deal to cry about. 0:11:37.288,0:11:39.080 I studied divorce in 80 cultures, 0:11:39.080,0:11:41.210 I studied, as I say, adultery in many -- 0:11:41.210,0:11:42.939 there's a whole pile of problems. 0:11:42.939,0:11:44.852 As William Butler Yates, 0:11:44.852,0:11:46.412 the poet once said, 0:11:46.412,0:11:49.386 "Love is the crooked thing." 0:11:49.386,0:11:50.389 I would add, 0:11:50.389,0:11:52.203 "Nobody gets out alive." 0:11:52.203,0:11:53.199 (Laughter) 0:11:53.199,0:11:54.718 We all have problems. 0:11:55.099,0:11:56.099 But in fact,[br] 0:11:56.099,0:11:58.713 I think the poet Randall Jerrell[br]really sums it up best. 0:11:58.713,0:12:03.751 He said, "The dark, uneasy[br]world of family life -- 0:12:03.751,0:12:08.453 where the greatest can fail[br]and the humblest succeed." 0:12:08.891,0:12:10.935 But I will leave you with this: 0:12:10.935,0:12:13.625 love and attachment will prevail, 0:12:13.625,0:12:16.103 technology cannot change it. 0:12:16.103,0:12:17.861 And I will conclude by saying 0:12:17.861,0:12:21.422 that any understanding[br]of human relationships 0:12:21.422,0:12:23.431 must take into account 0:12:23.431,0:12:27.611 one the most powerful[br]determinants of human behavior: 0:12:27.611,0:12:29.504 the unquenchable, 0:12:29.504,0:12:31.218 adaptable, 0:12:31.218,0:12:34.034 and primordial human drive to love. 0:12:34.034,0:12:35.209 Thank you. 0:12:35.209,0:12:38.231 (Applause) 0:12:40.074,0:12:42.528 Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you[br]so much for that, Helen. 0:12:42.528,0:12:44.864 As you know, there's[br]another speaker here with us 0:12:44.864,0:12:46.477 that works in your same field. 0:12:46.822,0:12:49.191 She comes at it[br]from a different perspective. 0:12:49.191,0:12:53.478 Esther Perel is a psychotherapist[br]who works with couples. 0:12:53.837,0:12:55.153 You study data, 0:12:55.153,0:12:57.791 Esther studies the stories[br]the couples tell her 0:12:57.791,0:12:59.523 when they come to her for help. 0:12:59.754,0:13:01.478 Let's have her join us on the stage. 0:13:01.478,0:13:02.484 Esther? 0:13:02.970,0:13:04.453 (Applause) 0:13:10.503,0:13:11.861 So Esther, 0:13:11.861,0:13:14.101 when you were watching Helen's talk, 0:13:14.101,0:13:16.746 was there any part of it[br]that sort of resonated with you 0:13:16.746,0:13:18.332 through the lens of your own work 0:13:18.332,0:13:19.994 that you'd like the comment on? 0:13:20.396,0:13:23.840 EP: So it's interesting because[br]on the one hand, 0:13:23.840,0:13:28.179 the need for love[br]is ubiquitous and universal, 0:13:28.179,0:13:30.132 but the way we love -- 0:13:30.132,0:13:31.686 the meaning we make out of it -- 0:13:31.686,0:13:33.832 the rules that govern our relationships 0:13:33.832,0:13:35.809 I think are changing fundamentally. 0:13:36.049,0:13:37.839 We come from a model 0:13:37.839,0:13:42.318 that until now was primarily regulated[br]around duty and obligation, 0:13:42.318,0:13:43.897 and the needs for the collective, 0:13:43.897,0:13:44.969 and loyalty. 0:13:44.969,0:13:47.869 And we have shifted it[br]to a model of free choice 0:13:47.869,0:13:51.104 and individual rights, 0:13:51.104,0:13:53.707 and self-fulfillment and happiness. 0:13:53.707,0:13:55.927 And so that was the first thing I thought, 0:13:55.927,0:13:58.016 is that the need doesn't change, 0:13:58.016,0:14:02.502 but the context and the way we regulate[br]these relationships changes a lot. 0:14:02.764,0:14:05.784 On the paradox of choice -- 0:14:05.784,0:14:07.333 so you know, 0:14:07.333,0:14:09.299 on the one hand we relish the novelty 0:14:09.299,0:14:11.039 and the playfulness I think, 0:14:11.039,0:14:13.591 to be able to have so many options. 0:14:13.591,0:14:15.034 And at the same time, 0:14:15.034,0:14:17.471 as you talk about this cognitive overload, 0:14:17.471,0:14:22.677 I see many, many people who ... 0:14:22.677,0:14:26.775 who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt 0:14:26.775,0:14:29.285 that comes with this [matter] of choice, 0:14:29.285,0:14:31.697 creating a case of "FOMO" 0:14:31.697,0:14:33.258 and then leading us -- 0:14:33.258,0:14:36.675 FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,[br]or fear of missing out -- 0:14:36.675,0:14:39.640 it's like, "How do I know[br]I have found the one -- 0:14:39.640,0:14:40.770 the right one?" 0:14:40.770,0:14:44.453 So we've created what I call[br]this thing of "stable ambiguity." 0:14:44.799,0:14:48.578 Stable ambiguity is when[br]you are too afraid to be alone, 0:14:48.578,0:14:52.586 but also not really willing[br]to engage in intimacy-building. 0:14:52.586,0:14:57.857 It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong[br]the uncertainty of a relationship 0:14:57.857,0:15:00.487 but also the uncertainty of the breakup. 0:15:00.487,0:15:03.590 So here on the Internet[br]you have three major ones. 0:15:03.590,0:15:06.094 One is icing and simmering, 0:15:06.094,0:15:08.706 which are great stalling tactics 0:15:08.706,0:15:11.206 that offer a kind of holding pattern 0:15:11.206,0:15:15.265 that emphasizes the undefined[br]nature of a relationship, 0:15:15.265,0:15:19.395 but at the same time gives you[br]enough of a comforting consistency 0:15:19.395,0:15:22.010 and enough freedom[br]of the undefined boundaries. 0:15:22.418,0:15:24.268 (Laugther) 0:15:24.268,0:15:25.344 Yeah? 0:15:25.344,0:15:27.098 And then comes ghosting. 0:15:27.098,0:15:29.039 And ghosting is basically, 0:15:29.039,0:15:33.671 you know, you disappear from[br]this [matter] of texts on the spot, 0:15:33.671,0:15:37.479 and you don't have to deal with the pain[br]that you inflict on another 0:15:37.479,0:15:40.217 because you're making it[br]invisible even to yourself. 0:15:40.217,0:15:41.215 (Laughter) 0:15:41.215,0:15:42.223 Yeah? 0:15:42.223,0:15:43.909 So I was thinking -- 0:15:43.909,0:15:47.279 these words came up for me[br]as I was listening to you -- 0:15:47.279,0:15:52.212 like how a vocabulary[br]creates also a reality, 0:15:52.212,0:15:53.997 and at the same time, 0:15:53.997,0:15:55.704 that's my question to you. 0:15:55.704,0:15:58.751 Do you think when the context changes, 0:15:58.751,0:16:02.414 it still means that the nature[br]of love remains the same? 0:16:02.414,0:16:06.648 You study the brain and I study[br]people's relationships and stories, 0:16:06.648,0:16:10.826 so I think it's everything you say, plus. 0:16:10.826,0:16:12.326 But I don't always know 0:16:12.326,0:16:15.538 the degree to which a changing context -- 0:16:15.538,0:16:18.250 does it at some point begin to change -- 0:16:18.250,0:16:19.459 if the meaning changes, 0:16:19.459,0:16:20.881 does it change the need, 0:16:20.881,0:16:23.596 or is the need clear[br]of the entire context? 0:16:23.797,0:16:24.966 HF: Wow. 0:16:24.966,0:16:26.056 Well -- 0:16:26.056,0:16:27.696 (Laughter) 0:16:27.696,0:16:29.713 (Applause) 0:16:31.245,0:16:34.213 Well, I've got three points here, right? 0:16:34.871,0:16:36.586 Well first of all to your first one: 0:16:36.586,0:16:38.442 there's no question that we've changed, 0:16:38.442,0:16:39.984 that we now want a personal love 0:16:39.984,0:16:42.981 and that for thousands of years[br]we had to marry the right person 0:16:42.981,0:16:45.387 from the right background[br]and the right connection. 0:16:45.387,0:16:46.394 And in fact, 0:16:46.394,0:16:48.959 in my studies of 5,000 people every year, 0:16:48.959,0:16:51.070 I ask them, "What are you looking for?" 0:16:51.070,0:16:54.017 And every single year[br]over 97 percent say -- 0:16:54.017,0:16:55.354 EP: And this grows -- 0:16:55.354,0:16:56.352 HF: Well, no. 0:16:56.352,0:16:59.499 The basic thing is[br]over 97 percent of people 0:16:59.499,0:17:01.736 want somebody that respects them, 0:17:01.736,0:17:04.190 somebody that they[br]can trust and confide in, 0:17:04.190,0:17:05.960 somebody who makes them laugh, 0:17:05.960,0:17:07.832 somebody who makes enough time for them 0:17:07.832,0:17:11.374 and somebody who they find[br]physically attractive. 0:17:11.656,0:17:13.031 That never changes. 0:17:13.031,0:17:14.891 And there's certainly -- 0:17:14.891,0:17:16.270 you know there's two parts -- 0:17:16.270,0:17:17.873 EP: But you know how I call that? 0:17:17.873,0:17:20.146 It's like, that's not[br]what people used to say -- 0:17:20.146,0:17:21.399 HF: That's exactly right. 0:17:21.399,0:17:24.193 EP: They wanted somebody[br]with whom they have companionship, 0:17:24.193,0:17:25.576 economic support, children -- 0:17:25.576,0:17:28.267 we went from a production economy[br]to a service economy -- 0:17:28.267,0:17:29.274 (Laugther) 0:17:29.274,0:17:32.221 We did it in the larger culture[br]and we're doing it in marriage. 0:17:32.221,0:17:33.798 HF: There's no question about it, 0:17:33.798,0:17:34.808 but it's interesting, 0:17:34.808,0:17:37.765 millennials actually want[br]to be very good parents, 0:17:37.765,0:17:42.177 whereas the generation above them[br]wants to have a very fine marriage 0:17:42.177,0:17:44.855 but is not as focused[br]on being a good parent. 0:17:44.855,0:17:46.594 You see all of these nuances. 0:17:46.594,0:17:49.173 There's two basic parts of personality: 0:17:49.173,0:17:50.267 there's your culture -- 0:17:50.267,0:17:52.690 everything you grew up to do[br]and believe and say -- 0:17:52.690,0:17:54.083 and there's your temperament. 0:17:54.083,0:17:57.032 And basically what I've been[br]talking about is your temperament. 0:17:57.032,0:18:00.273 And that temperament is certainly[br]going to change with changing times 0:18:00.273,0:18:02.123 and changing beliefs. 0:18:02.123,0:18:05.166 And in terms of the paradox of choice, 0:18:05.166,0:18:06.562 there's no question about it, 0:18:06.562,0:18:07.721 that this is a pickle. 0:18:07.721,0:18:09.058 There were millions of years 0:18:09.058,0:18:12.173 where you found that sweet boy[br]at the other side of the water hole 0:18:12.173,0:18:13.196 and you went for it. 0:18:13.196,0:18:14.203 EP: Yes, but -- 0:18:14.203,0:18:16.365 HF: I do want to say one more thing. 0:18:16.365,0:18:18.920 The bottom line is in hunting[br]and gathering societies, 0:18:18.920,0:18:22.436 they tended to have two or three[br]partners during the course of their lives. 0:18:22.436,0:18:23.769 I mean they weren't square. 0:18:23.769,0:18:25.391 And I'm not suggesting that we do, 0:18:25.391,0:18:29.631 but bottom line is we've[br]always had alternatives. 0:18:29.631,0:18:31.204 Mankind is always -- 0:18:31.204,0:18:32.961 in fact the brain is well-built 0:18:32.961,0:18:34.304 to what we call equilibrate, 0:18:34.304,0:18:35.356 to try and decide: 0:18:35.356,0:18:36.489 do I come, do I stay? 0:18:36.489,0:18:38.061 Do I go, do I stay? 0:18:38.061,0:18:39.585 What are the opportunities here? 0:18:39.585,0:18:40.880 How do I handle this there? 0:18:40.880,0:18:44.171 And so I think we're seeing[br]another play out of that now. 0:18:44.171,0:18:45.767 KS: Well, thank you both so much. 0:18:45.767,0:18:49.050 [I think you're going to have] [br]a million dinner partners for tonight. 0:18:49.050,0:18:50.861 (Applause) 0:18:50.861,0:18:52.042 Thank you, thank you.