[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.83,0:00:03.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was recently traveling\Nin the Highlands of New Guinea,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.91,0:00:06.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was talking with a man\Nwho had three wives.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.90,0:00:09.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I asked him, "How many wives\Nwould you like to have?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.34,0:00:11.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was this long pause,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.80,0:00:12.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought to myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.02,0:00:14.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Is he going to say five?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.59,0:00:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is he going to say 10?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.04,0:00:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is he going to say 25?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.91,0:00:19.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he leaned towards me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.10,0:00:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he whispered, "None."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.63,0:00:22.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.51,0:00:27.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eighty-six percent of human societies\Npermit a man to have several wives:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.91,0:00:29.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,polygyny.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.09,0:00:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in the vast majority\Nof these cultures,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.22,0:00:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only about five or ten percent of men\Nactually do have several wives.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.54,0:00:37.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having several partners\Ncan be a toothache.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.91,0:00:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, co-wives can\Nfight with each other,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.06,0:00:43.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes they can even poison\Neach other's children.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.46,0:00:47.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you've got to have\Na lot of cows, a lot of goats,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.13,0:00:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of money, a lot of land,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.12,0:00:50.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to build a harem.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.02,0:00:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are a pair-bonding species.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.42,0:00:56.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ninety-seven percent of mammals\Ndo not pair up to rear their young;
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.98,0:00:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,human beings do.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.83,0:01:00.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not suggesting that we're not --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.00,0:01:04.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we're necessarily\Nsexually faithful to our partners.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.18,0:01:06.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.95,0:01:09.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand, actually,\Nsome of the genetics of it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.41,0:01:11.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some of the brain circuitry of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.28,0:01:13.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's very common around the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.24,0:01:15.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we are built to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.72,0:01:19.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How is technology changing love?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.52,0:01:21.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to say almost not at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.74,0:01:24.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I study the brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.12,0:01:27.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I and my colleagues have put\Nover 100 people into a brain scanner --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.88,0:01:30.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people who had just\Nfallen happily in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.91,0:01:32.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people who had just been rejected in love
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.96,0:01:34.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people who are in love long-term.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.86,0:01:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it is possible\Nto remain "in love" long-term.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.54,0:01:40.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've long ago maintained
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.47,0:01:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we've evolved three distinctly\Ndifferent brain systems
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.52,0:01:45.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for mating and reproduction:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.38,0:01:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sex drive,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.56,0:01:48.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,feelings of intense romantic love
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.52,0:01:52.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and feelings of deep cosmic\Nattachment to a long-term partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.29,0:01:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And together, these three brain systems --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.75,0:01:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with many other parts of the brain --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.26,0:02:02.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,orchestrate our sexual,\Nour romantic and our family lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.41,0:02:04.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they lie way below the cortex,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.83,0:02:09.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,way below the limbic system\Nwhere we feel our emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.07,0:02:10.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,generate our emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.38,0:02:15.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They lie in the most primitive parts\Nof the brain, linked with energy,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.22,0:02:20.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,focus, craving, motivation,\Nwanting and drive.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.50,0:02:21.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.68,0:02:24.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the drive to win life's greatest prize:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.24,0:02:25.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a mating partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.69,0:02:30.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They evolved over 4.4 million years ago\Namong our first ancestors,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.23,0:02:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're not going to change\Nif you swipe left or right on Tinder.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.72,0:02:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.29,0:02:38.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.76,0:02:43.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no question that technology\Nis changing the way we court:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.40,0:02:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,emailing, texting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.35,0:02:47.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,emojis to express your emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.35,0:02:48.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sexting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.64,0:02:51.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"liking" a photograph, selfies ...
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.10,0:02:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're seeing new rules\Nand taboos for how to court.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.94,0:02:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, you know --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.95,0:03:01.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is this actually\Ndramatically changing love?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.73,0:03:04.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What about the late 1940s,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.12,0:03:06.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the automobile became very popular
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.70,0:03:09.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.07,0:03:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.82,0:03:15.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How about the introduction\Nof the birth control pill?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.49,0:03:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unchained from the great threat\Nof pregnancy and social ruin,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.81,0:03:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,women could finally express\Ntheir primitive and primal sexuality.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.72,0:03:28.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even dating sites are not changing love.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.76,0:03:31.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.35,0:03:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been it for 11 years.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.05,0:03:35.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I keep telling them\Nand they agree with me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.08,0:03:36.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that these are not dating sites,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.64,0:03:38.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are introducing sites.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.02,0:03:41.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you sit down in a bar,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.30,0:03:42.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a coffee house,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.91,0:03:44.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a park bench,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.29,0:03:49.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your ancient brain snaps into action\Nlike a sleeping cat awakened,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.32,0:03:50.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you smile
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.64,0:03:51.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and laugh
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.83,0:03:53.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and listen
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.03,0:03:57.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and parade the way our ancestors\Ndid 100,000 years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.42,0:04:00.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can give you various people --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.40,0:04:01.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the dating sites can --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.99,0:04:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the only real algorithm\Nis your own human brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.93,0:04:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technology is not going to change that.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.04,0:04:13.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technology is also not going to change\Nwho you choose to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.71,0:04:16.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I study the biology of personality,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.43,0:04:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've come to believe
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.66,0:04:21.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we've evolved four very broad\Nstyles of thinking and behaving,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.97,0:04:23.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linked with the dopamine, serotonin,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.83,0:04:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,testosterone and estrogen systems.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.36,0:04:30.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I created a questionnaire\Ndirectly from brain science
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.54,0:04:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to measure the degree to which\Nyou express the traits --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.70,0:04:35.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the constellation of traits --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.48,0:04:38.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linked with each\Nof these four brain systems.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.83,0:04:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I then put that questionnaire\Non various dating sites
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.72,0:04:45.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in 40 countries.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.97,0:04:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fourteen million or more people\Nhave now taken the questionnaire,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.88,0:04:53.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've been able to watch\Nwho's naturally drawn to whom.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.46,0:04:55.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as it turns out,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.100,0:04:58.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those who were very expressive\Nof the dopamine system
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.59,0:05:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tend to be curious, creative,\Nspontaneous, energetic --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.75,0:05:05.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would imagine there's an awful lot\Nof people like that in this room --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.22,0:05:07.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're drawn to people like themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.18,0:05:10.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Curious, creative people\Nneed people like themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.58,0:05:13.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People who are very expressive\Nof the serotonin system
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.24,0:05:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tend to be traditional, conventional,\Nthey follow the rules,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.15,0:05:18.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they respect authority,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.05,0:05:21.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they tend to be religious -- religiosity\Nis in the serotonin system --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.46,0:05:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and traditional people\Ngo for traditional people.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.82,0:05:27.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In that way, similarity attracts.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.51,0:05:29.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the other two cases, opposites attract.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.76,0:05:32.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People very expressive\Nof the testosterone system
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.08,0:05:35.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tend to be analytical,\Nlogical, direct, decisive,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.02,0:05:37.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they go for their opposite:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.53,0:05:39.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they go for somebody who's high estrogen,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.81,0:05:42.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who's got very good verbal skills
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.07,0:05:43.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people skills,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.34,0:05:44.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who's very intuitive
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.81,0:05:48.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who's very nurturing\Nand emotionally expressive.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.52,0:05:51.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have natural patterns of mate choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.47,0:05:56.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Modern technology is not going\Nto change who we choose to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.49,0:06:00.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But technology is producing\None modern trend
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.06,0:06:01.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I find particularly important.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.15,0:06:05.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's associated with the concept\Nof paradox of choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.37,0:06:07.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For millions of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.85,0:06:10.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we lived in little hunting\Nand gathering groups.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.14,0:06:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You didn't have the opportunity to choose
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.69,0:06:15.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between 1,000 people on a dating site.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.26,0:06:18.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I've been studying this recently,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.34,0:06:21.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I actually think there's some\Nsort of sweet spot in the brain;
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.52,0:06:25.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what it is, but apparently,\Nfrom reading a lot of the data,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.50,0:06:30.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can embrace about five\Nto nine alternatives, and after that,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.67,0:06:33.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you get into what academics\Ncall "cognitive overload,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.92,0:06:35.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't choose any.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.18,0:06:39.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I've come to think that due\Nto this cognitive overload,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.34,0:06:42.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're ushering in a new form of courtship
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.68,0:06:44.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I call "slow love."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.22,0:06:48.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I arrived at this during\Nmy work with Match.com.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.40,0:06:51.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every year for the last six years,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.10,0:06:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we've done a study called\N"Singles in America."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.82,0:06:55.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't poll the Match population,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.65,0:06:57.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we poll the American population.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.64,0:07:00.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We use 5,000-plus people,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.63,0:07:04.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a representative sample of Americans\Nbased on the US census.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.55,0:07:07.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got data now on over 30,000 people,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.47,0:07:09.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and every single year,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.96,0:07:12.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see some of the same patterns.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.51,0:07:15.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every single year when I ask the question,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.31,0:07:18.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over 50 percent of people\Nhave had a one-night stand --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.10,0:07:20.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not necessarily last year,\Nbut in their lives --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.79,0:07:23.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50 percent have had\Na friends with benefits
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.09,0:07:24.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during the course of their lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.72,0:07:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and over 50 percent have lived\Nwith a person long-term
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.31,0:07:29.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before marrying.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.77,0:07:31.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Americans think that this is reckless.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.100,0:07:34.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have doubted that for a long time;
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.94,0:07:36.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the patterns are too strong.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.86,0:07:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's got to be some\NDarwinian explanation --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.61,0:07:41.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not that many people are crazy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.96,0:07:45.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I stumbled, then, on a statistic\Nthat really came home to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.27,0:07:48.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a very interesting academic article
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.89,0:07:53.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which I found that 67 percent\Nof singles in America today
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.93,0:07:56.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are living long-term with somebody,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.36,0:08:00.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have not yet married because\Nthey are terrified of divorce.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.48,0:08:02.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're terrified of the social,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.36,0:08:03.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,legal, emotional,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.91,0:08:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,economic consequences of divorce.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.81,0:08:10.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I came to realize that I don't think\Nthis is recklessness;
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.59,0:08:12.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think it's caution.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.79,0:08:17.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Today's singles want to know\Nevery single thing about a partner
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.84,0:08:19.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before they wed.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.49,0:08:21.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You learn a lot between the sheets,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.44,0:08:23.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not only about how somebody makes love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.98,0:08:25.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but whether they're kind,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.37,0:08:26.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether they can listen
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.74,0:08:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at my age,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.94,0:08:29.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether they've got a sense of humor.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.74,0:08:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.16,0:08:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in an age where we have\Ntoo many choices,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.08,0:08:38.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have very little fear\Nof pregnancy and disease
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.36,0:08:42.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we've got no feeling of shame\Nfor sex before marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.09,0:08:45.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think people are taking\Ntheir time to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.41,0:08:48.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And actually, what's happening is,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.08,0:08:51.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what we're seeing is a real expansion\Nof the precommitment stage
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.97,0:08:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before you tie the knot.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.03,0:08:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where marriage used to be\Nthe beginning of a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.78,0:08:58.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now it's the finale.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.41,0:09:01.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the human brain --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.18,0:09:03.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.21,0:09:05.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The human brain always triumphs,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.05,0:09:06.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and indeed, in the United States today,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.97,0:09:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,86 percent of Americans\Nwill marry by age 49.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.49,0:09:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even in cultures around the world\Nwhere they're not marrying as often,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.06,0:09:17.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are settling down eventually\Nwith a long-term partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.36,0:09:19.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it began to occur to me:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.22,0:09:23.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during this long extension\Nof the precommitment stage,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.81,0:09:26.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you can get rid of bad\Nrelationships before you marry,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.00,0:09:29.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe we're going to see\Nmore happy marriages.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.84,0:09:34.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I did a study of 1,100\Nmarried people in America --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.74,0:09:36.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not on Match.com, of course --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.49,0:09:38.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I asked them a lot of questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.63,0:09:40.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But one of the questions was,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.16,0:09:44.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Would you re-marry the person\Nyou're currently married to?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.76,0:09:47.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And 81 percent said, "Yes."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.61,0:09:55.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, the greatest change\Nin modern romance and family life
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.12,0:09:56.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not technology.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.07,0:09:58.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not even slow love.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.05,0:10:01.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's actually women\Npiling into the job market
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.02,0:10:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in cultures around the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.77,0:10:04.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For millions of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.02,0:10:07.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our ancestors lived\Nin little hunting and gathering groups.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.01,0:10:10.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Women commuted to work\Nto gather their fruits and vegetables.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.94,0:10:14.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They came home with 60 to 80\Npercent of the evening meal.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.48,0:10:17.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The double-income family was the rule.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.19,0:10:21.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And women were regarded\Nas just as economically, socially
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.16,0:10:24.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sexually powerful as men.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.30,0:10:27.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then the environment changed\Nsome 10,000 years ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.42,0:10:29.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we began to settle down on the farm
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.68,0:10:32.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and both men and women\Nbecame obliged, really,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.89,0:10:34.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to marry the right person,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.49,0:10:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the right background,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.94,0:10:37.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the right religion
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.27,0:10:40.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and from the right kin\Nand social and political connections.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.83,0:10:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Men's jobs became more important:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.45,0:10:45.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they had to move the rocks,\Nfell the trees, plow the land.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.21,0:10:48.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They brought the produce\Nto local markets, and came home
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.16,0:10:49.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the equivalent of money.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.70,0:10:51.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Along with this,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.27,0:10:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we see a rise of a host of beliefs:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.27,0:10:56.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the belief of virginity at marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.47,0:10:59.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,arranged marriages --\Nstrictly arranged marriages --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.44,0:11:01.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the belief that the man\Nis the head of the household,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.99,0:11:04.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the wife's place is in the home
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.25,0:11:05.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most important,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.43,0:11:08.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,honor thy husband,\Nand 'til death do us part.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.59,0:11:10.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.33,0:11:12.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are going, and in many places,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.90,0:11:14.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.32,0:11:17.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are right now in a marriage revolution.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.76,0:11:22.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are shedding 10,000 years\Nof our farming tradition
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.50,0:11:28.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and moving forward towards egalitarian\Nrelationships between the sexes --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.15,0:11:32.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something I regard as highly compatible\Nwith the ancient human spirit.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.56,0:11:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not a Pollyanna;
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.29,0:11:37.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a great deal to cry about.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.07,0:11:38.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've studied divorce in 80 cultures,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.84,0:11:40.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've studied, as I say,\Nadultery in many --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.00,0:11:42.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a whole pile of problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.84,0:11:46.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As William Butler Yeats,\Nthe poet, once said,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.06,0:11:48.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is the crooked thing."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.13,0:11:51.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would add, "Nobody gets out alive."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.94,0:11:53.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.06,0:11:54.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.92,0:11:58.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in fact, I think the poet\NRandall Jarrell really sums it up best.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.55,0:12:03.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, "The dark, uneasy world\Nof family life --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.58,0:12:08.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where the greatest can fail,\Nand the humblest succeed."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.78,0:12:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I will leave you with this:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.69,0:12:13.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love and attachment will prevail,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.44,0:12:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,technology cannot change it.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.100,0:12:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I will conclude by saying
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.86,0:12:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any understanding of human relationships\Nmust take into account
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.13,0:12:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one the most powerful determinants\Nof human behavior:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.38,0:12:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the unquenchable,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.22,0:12:30.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,adaptable
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.79,0:12:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and primordial human drive to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.82,0:12:34.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.100,0:12:38.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.92,0:12:42.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you\Nso much for that, Helen.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.32,0:12:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you know, there's another\Nspeaker here with us
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.65,0:12:46.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that works in your same field.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.23,0:12:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She comes at it\Nfrom a different perspective.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.68,0:12:53.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther Perel is a psychotherapist\Nwho works with couples.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.75,0:12:55.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You study data,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.07,0:12:57.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther studies the stories\Nthe couples tell her
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.59,0:12:59.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they come to her for help.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.64,0:13:01.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's have her join us on the stage.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.39,0:13:02.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.56,0:13:05.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.25,0:13:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So Esther,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.52,0:13:13.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you were watching Helen's talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.82,0:13:15.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was there any part of it
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.04,0:13:17.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that resonated with you\Nthrough the lens of your own work
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.84,0:13:19.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you'd like to comment on?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.06,0:13:23.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Esther Perel: It's interesting,\Nbecause on the one hand,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.66,0:13:27.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the need for love\Nis ubiquitous and universal.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.96,0:13:29.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the way we love --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.95,0:13:31.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the meaning we make out of it --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.51,0:13:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rules that govern\Nour relationships, I think,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.86,0:13:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are changing fundamentally.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.91,0:13:38.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We come from a model that, until now,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.83,0:13:42.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was primarily regulated\Naround duty and obligation,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.32,0:13:44.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the needs of the collective and loyalty.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.74,0:13:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we have shifted it
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.94,0:13:50.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to a model of free choice\Nand individual rights,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.30,0:13:53.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and self-fulfillment and happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.40,0:13:55.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, that was\Nthe first thing I thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.74,0:13:57.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the need doesn't change,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.53,0:14:01.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the context and the way\Nwe regulate these relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.36,0:14:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,changes a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.67,0:14:04.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the paradox of choice --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.68,0:14:09.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, on the one hand\Nwe relish the novelty
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.03,0:14:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the playfulness, I think,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.65,0:14:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be able to have so many options.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.38,0:14:14.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the same time,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.77,0:14:17.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as you talk about this cognitive overload,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.21,0:14:20.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see many, many people who ...
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.39,0:14:26.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.52,0:14:29.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that comes with this massa of choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.09,0:14:31.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,creating a case of "FOMO"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.38,0:14:33.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then leading us --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.04,0:14:36.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,\Nor fear of missing out --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.38,0:14:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's like, "How do I know\NI have found 'the one' --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.36,0:14:40.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the right one?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.56,0:14:44.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we've created what I call\Nthis thing of "stable ambiguity."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.60,0:14:48.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Stable ambiguity is when\Nyou are too afraid to be alone
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.33,0:14:52.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but also not really willing\Nto engage in intimacy-building.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.39,0:14:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong\Nthe uncertainty of a relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.71,0:15:00.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but also the uncertainty of the breakup.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.34,0:15:03.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, here on the internet\Nyou have three major ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.34,0:15:05.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One is icing and simmering,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.69,0:15:08.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which are great stalling tactics
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.59,0:15:11.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that offer a kind of holding pattern
Dialogue: 0,0:15:11.09,0:15:14.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that emphasizes the undefined\Nnature of a relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.91,0:15:19.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but at the same time gives you\Nenough of a comforting consistency
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.04,0:15:21.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and enough freedom\Nof the undefined boundaries.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:21.82,0:15:23.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.07,0:15:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.26,0:15:26.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then comes ghosting.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.84,0:15:28.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ghosting is, basically,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:28.83,0:15:33.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you disappear from this massa\Nof texts on the spot,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.38,0:15:37.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't have to deal with\Nthe pain that you inflict on another,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.18,0:15:39.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you're making it\Ninvisible even to yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.81,0:15:40.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.02,0:15:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.20,0:15:46.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was thinking -- these words came up\Nfor me as I was listening to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.96,0:15:52.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like how a vocabulary\Nalso creates a reality,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:52.15,0:15:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at the same time,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.73,0:15:55.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's my question to you:
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.44,0:15:58.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you think when the context changes,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.40,0:16:02.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it still means that the nature\Nof love remains the same?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.06,0:16:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You study the brain and I study\Npeople's relationships and stories,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.18,0:16:10.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I think it's everything you say, plus.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.69,0:16:14.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I don't always know the degree\Nto which a changing context ...
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.45,0:16:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does it at some point begin to change --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.00,0:16:20.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the meaning changes,\Ndoes it change the need,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.64,0:16:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or is the need clear\Nof the entire context?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.80,0:16:25.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: Wow! Well --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:25.24,0:16:27.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.70,0:16:30.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.90,0:16:33.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, I've got three points here, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.74,0:16:36.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First of all, to your first one:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:36.59,0:16:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's no question that we've changed,\Nthat we now want a person to love,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.20,0:16:43.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for thousands of years,\Nwe had to marry the right person
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.07,0:16:45.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the right background\Nand right kin connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.50,0:16:48.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in fact, in my studies\Nof 5,000 people every year,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.74,0:16:50.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ask them, "What are you looking for?"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.89,0:16:53.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And every single year,\Nover 97 percent say --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.67,0:16:54.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: The list grows --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:54.91,0:16:56.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: Well, no.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.09,0:16:59.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The basic thing is\Nover 97 percent of people
Dialogue: 0,0:16:59.44,0:17:01.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,want somebody that respects them,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:01.55,0:17:03.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody they can trust and confide in,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.87,0:17:05.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who makes them laugh,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.55,0:17:07.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who makes enough time for them
Dialogue: 0,0:17:07.45,0:17:11.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and somebody who they find\Nphysically attractive.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.47,0:17:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That never changes.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.78,0:17:15.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's certainly -- you know,\Nthere's two parts --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.98,0:17:17.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: But you know how I call that?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.59,0:17:19.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not what people used to say --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.86,0:17:21.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: That's exactly right.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:21.11,0:17:24.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: They said they wanted somebody\Nwith whom they have companionship,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.44,0:17:25.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,economic support, children.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.75,0:17:28.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We went from a production economy\Nto a service economy.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.36,0:17:29.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.40,0:17:32.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We did it in the larger culture,\Nand we're doing it in marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.40,0:17:33.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: Right, no question about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.97,0:17:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's interesting, the millennials\Nactually want to be very good parents,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:37.91,0:17:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whereas the generation above them\Nwants to have a very fine marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.05,0:17:44.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is not as focused\Non being a good parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.30,0:17:46.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see all of these nuances.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.40,0:17:48.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's two basic parts of personality:
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.98,0:17:52.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's your culture -- everything you\Ngrew up to do and believe and say --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.58,0:17:53.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there's your temperament.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:54.00,0:17:56.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, what I've been talking\Nabout is your temperament.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.86,0:18:00.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that temperament is certainly\Ngoing to change with changing times
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.20,0:18:01.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and changing beliefs.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:01.89,0:18:05.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in terms of the paradox of choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.06,0:18:07.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's no question about it\Nthat this is a pickle.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:07.49,0:18:10.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There were millions of years\Nwhere you found that sweet boy
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.38,0:18:12.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the other side of the water hole,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.13,0:18:13.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you went for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.30,0:18:14.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EP: Yes, but you --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.48,0:18:16.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HF: I do want to say one more thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.25,0:18:18.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottom line is, in hunting\Nand gathering societies,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.89,0:18:22.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they tended to have two or three partners\Nduring the course of their lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.51,0:18:23.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They weren't square!
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.70,0:18:25.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not suggesting that we do,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.38,0:18:29.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the bottom line is,\Nwe've always had alternatives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:29.38,0:18:30.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mankind is always --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:30.88,0:18:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in fact, the brain is well-built\Nto what we call "equilibrate,"
Dialogue: 0,0:18:34.10,0:18:35.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to try and decide:
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.27,0:18:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:37.73,0:18:39.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the opportunities here?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:39.30,0:18:40.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do I handle this there?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.63,0:18:43.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I think we're seeing\Nanother play-out of that now.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.05,0:18:45.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,KS: Well, thank you both so much.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:45.70,0:18:48.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you're going to have\Na million dinner partners for tonight!
Dialogue: 0,0:18:48.93,0:18:50.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.93,0:18:52.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, thank you.