0:00:00.827,0:00:03.888
I was recently traveling[br]in the Highlands of New Guinea,

0:00:03.912,0:00:06.406
and I was talking with a man[br]who had three wives.

0:00:06.905,0:00:09.994
I asked him, "How many wives[br]would you like to have?"

0:00:10.340,0:00:11.774
And there was this long pause,

0:00:11.798,0:00:12.993
and I thought to myself,

0:00:13.017,0:00:14.568
"Is he going to say five?

0:00:14.592,0:00:16.019
Is he going to say 10?

0:00:16.043,0:00:17.885
Is he going to say 25?"

0:00:17.909,0:00:19.071
And he leaned towards me

0:00:19.095,0:00:20.605
and he whispered, "None."

0:00:20.629,0:00:22.809
(Laughter)

0:00:23.514,0:00:27.889
Eighty-six percent of human societies[br]permit a man to have several wives:

0:00:27.913,0:00:29.064
polygeny.

0:00:29.088,0:00:31.197
But in the vast majority[br]of these cultures,

0:00:31.221,0:00:35.519
only about five or ten percent of men[br]actually do have several wives.

0:00:35.543,0:00:37.890
Having several partners[br]can be a toothache.

0:00:37.914,0:00:41.034
In fact, co-wives can[br]fight with each other,

0:00:41.058,0:00:43.995
sometimes they can even poison[br]each other's children.

0:00:44.455,0:00:47.106
And you've got to have[br]a lot of cows, a lot of goats,

0:00:47.130,0:00:49.095
a lot of money, a lot of land,

0:00:49.119,0:00:50.655
in order to build a harem.

0:00:51.017,0:00:53.392
We are a pair-bonding species.

0:00:53.416,0:00:56.954
Ninety-seven percent of mammals[br]do not pair up to rear their young;

0:00:56.978,0:00:58.806
human beings do.

0:00:58.830,0:01:00.980
I'm not suggesting that we're not --

0:01:01.004,0:01:04.151
that we're necessarily[br]sexually faithful to our partners.

0:01:04.175,0:01:06.923
I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,

0:01:06.947,0:01:09.382
I understand, actually,[br]some of the genetics of it,

0:01:09.406,0:01:11.254
and some of the brain circuitry of it.

0:01:11.278,0:01:13.221
It's very common around the world,

0:01:13.245,0:01:15.182
but we are built to love.

0:01:15.716,0:01:19.032
How is technology changing love?

0:01:19.515,0:01:21.987
I'm going to say almost not at all.

0:01:22.744,0:01:24.098
I study the brain.

0:01:24.122,0:01:27.852
I and my colleagues have put[br]over 100 people into a brain scanner --

0:01:27.876,0:01:30.883
people who had just[br]fallen happily in love,

0:01:30.907,0:01:32.938
people who had just been rejected in love

0:01:32.962,0:01:34.835
and people who are in love long-term.

0:01:34.859,0:01:38.046
And it is possible[br]to remain "in love" long-term.

0:01:38.543,0:01:40.449
And I've long ago maintained

0:01:40.473,0:01:43.498
that we've evolved three distinctly[br]different brain systems

0:01:43.522,0:01:45.359
for mating and reproduction:

0:01:45.383,0:01:46.535
sex drive,

0:01:46.559,0:01:48.495
feelings of intense romantic love

0:01:48.519,0:01:52.265
and feelings of deep cosmic[br]attachment to a long-term partner.

0:01:52.289,0:01:54.725
And together, these three brain systems --

0:01:54.749,0:01:57.237
with many other parts of the brain --

0:01:57.261,0:02:02.387
orchestrate our sexual,[br]our romantic and our family lives.

0:02:02.411,0:02:04.804
But they lie way below the cortex,

0:02:04.828,0:02:09.049
way below the limbic system[br]where we feel our emotions,

0:02:09.073,0:02:10.360
generate our emotions.

0:02:10.384,0:02:15.199
They lie in the most primitive parts[br]of the brain, linked with energy,

0:02:15.223,0:02:20.479
focus, craving, motivation,[br]wanting and drive.

0:02:20.503,0:02:21.656
In this case,

0:02:21.680,0:02:24.211
the drive to win life's greatest prize:

0:02:24.235,0:02:25.669
a mating partner.

0:02:25.693,0:02:30.210
They evolved over 4.4 million years ago[br]among our first ancestors,

0:02:30.234,0:02:34.696
and they're not going to change[br]if you swipe left or right on Tinder.

0:02:34.720,0:02:36.267
(Laughter)

0:02:36.291,0:02:38.737
(Applause)

0:02:38.761,0:02:43.376
There's no question that technology[br]is changing the way we court:

0:02:43.400,0:02:45.324
emailing, texting,

0:02:45.348,0:02:47.323
emojis to express your emotions,

0:02:47.347,0:02:48.611
sexting,

0:02:48.635,0:02:51.071
"liking" a photograph, selfies ...

0:02:51.095,0:02:55.207
We're seeing new rules[br]and taboos for how to court.

0:02:55.936,0:02:57.923
But, you know --

0:02:57.947,0:03:01.091
is this actually[br]dramatically changing love?

0:03:01.730,0:03:04.094
What about the late 1940s,

0:03:04.118,0:03:06.679
when the automobile became very popular

0:03:06.703,0:03:09.049
and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?

0:03:09.073,0:03:10.791
(Laughter)

0:03:10.815,0:03:15.053
How about the introduction[br]of the birth control pill?

0:03:15.491,0:03:20.788
Unchained from the great threat[br]of pregnancy and social ruin,

0:03:20.812,0:03:25.236
women could finally express[br]their primitive and primal sexuality.

0:03:25.724,0:03:28.741
Even dating sites are not changing love.

0:03:28.765,0:03:31.323
I'm Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com,

0:03:31.347,0:03:33.027
I've been it for 11 years.

0:03:33.051,0:03:35.055
I keep telling them[br]and they agree with me,

0:03:35.079,0:03:36.618
that these are not dating sites,

0:03:36.642,0:03:38.655
they are introducing sites.

0:03:39.017,0:03:41.280
When you sit down in a bar,

0:03:41.304,0:03:42.888
in a coffee house,

0:03:42.912,0:03:44.268
on a park bench,

0:03:44.292,0:03:49.297
your ancient brain snaps into action[br]like a sleeping cat awakened,

0:03:49.321,0:03:50.620
and you smile

0:03:50.644,0:03:51.802
and laugh

0:03:51.826,0:03:53.008
and listen

0:03:53.032,0:03:57.905
and parade the way our ancestors[br]did 100,000 years ago.

0:03:58.424,0:04:00.377
We can give you various people --

0:04:00.401,0:04:01.966
all the dating sites can --

0:04:01.990,0:04:05.903
but the only real algorithm[br]is your own human brain.

0:04:05.927,0:04:08.499
Technology is not going to change that.

0:04:09.041,0:04:13.685
Technology is also not going to change[br]who you choose to love.

0:04:13.709,0:04:16.405
I study the biology of personality,

0:04:16.429,0:04:17.641
and I've come to believe

0:04:17.665,0:04:21.948
that we've evolved four very broad[br]styles of thinking and behaving,

0:04:21.972,0:04:23.802
linked with the dopamine, serotonin,

0:04:23.826,0:04:26.004
testosterone and estrogen systems.

0:04:26.358,0:04:30.511
So I created a questionnaire[br]directly from brain science

0:04:30.535,0:04:33.677
to measure the degree to which[br]you express the traits --

0:04:33.701,0:04:35.455
the constellation of traits --

0:04:35.479,0:04:38.487
linked with each[br]of these four brain systems.

0:04:38.829,0:04:43.697
I then put that questionnaire[br]on various dating sites

0:04:43.721,0:04:45.363
in 40 countries.

0:04:45.969,0:04:49.859
Fourteen million or more people[br]have now taken the questionnaire,

0:04:49.883,0:04:53.808
and I've been able to watch[br]who's naturally drawn to whom.

0:04:54.462,0:04:55.973
And as it turns out,

0:04:55.997,0:04:58.566
those who were very expressive[br]of the dopamine system

0:04:58.590,0:05:01.725
tend to be curious, creative,[br]spontaneous, energetic --

0:05:01.749,0:05:05.200
I would imagine there's an awful lot[br]of people like that in this room --

0:05:05.224,0:05:07.152
they're drawn to people like themselves.

0:05:07.176,0:05:10.559
Curious, creative people[br]need people like themselves.

0:05:10.583,0:05:13.221
People who are very expressive[br]of the serotonin system

0:05:13.245,0:05:16.124
tend to be traditional, conventional,[br]they follow the rules,

0:05:16.148,0:05:18.026
they respect authority,

0:05:18.050,0:05:21.436
they tend to be religious -- religiosity[br]is in the serotonin system --

0:05:21.460,0:05:24.797
and traditional people[br]go for traditional people.

0:05:24.821,0:05:27.485
In that way, similarity attracts.

0:05:27.509,0:05:29.731
In the other two cases, opposites attract.

0:05:29.755,0:05:32.052
People very expressive[br]of the testosterone system

0:05:32.076,0:05:35.999
tend to be analytical,[br]logical, direct, decisive,

0:05:36.023,0:05:37.505
and they go for their opposite:

0:05:37.529,0:05:39.782
they go for somebody who's high estrogen,

0:05:39.806,0:05:42.048
somebody who's got very good verbal skills

0:05:42.072,0:05:43.314
and people skills,

0:05:43.338,0:05:44.786
who's very intuitive

0:05:44.810,0:05:48.123
and who's very nurturing[br]and emotionally expressive.

0:05:48.519,0:05:51.091
We have natural patterns of mate choice.

0:05:51.468,0:05:56.524
Modern technology is not going[br]to change who we choose to love.

0:05:57.488,0:06:00.041
But technology is producing[br]one modern trend

0:06:00.065,0:06:01.801
that I find particularly important.

0:06:02.151,0:06:05.839
It's associated with the concept[br]of paradox of choice.

0:06:06.372,0:06:07.826
For millions of years,

0:06:07.850,0:06:10.117
we lived in little hunting[br]and gathering groups.

0:06:10.141,0:06:12.667
You didn't have the opportunity to choose

0:06:12.691,0:06:15.801
between 1,000 people on a dating site.

0:06:16.261,0:06:18.318
In fact, I've been studying this recently,

0:06:18.342,0:06:21.497
and I actually think there's some[br]sort of sweet spot in the brain;

0:06:21.521,0:06:25.472
I don't know what it is, but apparently,[br]from reading a lot of the data,

0:06:25.496,0:06:30.647
we can embrace about five[br]to nine alternatives, and after that,

0:06:30.671,0:06:33.891
you get into what academics[br]call "cognitive overload,"

0:06:33.915,0:06:35.716
and you don't choose any.

0:06:36.175,0:06:39.321
So I've come to think that due[br]to this cognitive overload,

0:06:39.345,0:06:42.656
we're ushering in a new form of courtship

0:06:42.680,0:06:44.625
that I call "slow love."

0:06:45.219,0:06:48.766
I arrived at this during[br]my work with Match.com.

0:06:49.400,0:06:51.081
Every year for the last six years,

0:06:51.105,0:06:53.798
we've done a study called[br]"Singles in America."

0:06:53.822,0:06:55.630
We don't poll the Match population,

0:06:55.654,0:06:57.614
we poll the American population.

0:06:57.638,0:07:00.607
We use 5,000-plus people,

0:07:00.631,0:07:04.528
a representative sample of Americans[br]based on the US census.

0:07:04.552,0:07:07.444
We've got data now on over 30,000 people,

0:07:07.468,0:07:09.935
and every single year,

0:07:09.959,0:07:12.485
I see some of the same patterns.

0:07:12.509,0:07:15.288
Every single year when I ask the question,

0:07:15.312,0:07:18.075
over 50 percent of people[br]have had a one-night stand --

0:07:18.099,0:07:20.766
not necessarily last year,[br]but in their lives --

0:07:20.790,0:07:23.063
50 percent have had[br]a friends with benefits

0:07:23.087,0:07:24.694
during the course of their lives,

0:07:24.718,0:07:28.286
and over 50 percent have lived[br]with a person long-term

0:07:28.310,0:07:29.746
before marrying.

0:07:29.770,0:07:31.972
Americans think that this is reckless.

0:07:31.996,0:07:34.915
I have doubted that for a long time;

0:07:34.939,0:07:36.831
the patterns are too strong.

0:07:36.855,0:07:39.583
There's got to be some[br]Darwinian explanation --

0:07:39.607,0:07:41.933
Not that many people are crazy.

0:07:41.957,0:07:45.845
And I stumbled, then, on a statistic[br]that really came home to me.

0:07:46.267,0:07:48.866
It was a very interesting academic article

0:07:48.890,0:07:53.903
in which I found that 67 percent[br]of singles in America today

0:07:53.927,0:07:56.341
who are living long-term with somebody,

0:07:56.365,0:08:00.452
have not yet married because[br]they are terrified of divorce.

0:08:00.476,0:08:02.332
They're terrified of the social,

0:08:02.356,0:08:03.889
legal, emotional,

0:08:03.913,0:08:06.782
economic consequences of divorce.

0:08:06.806,0:08:10.564
So I came to realize that I don't think[br]this is recklessness;

0:08:10.588,0:08:12.264
I think it's caution.

0:08:12.791,0:08:17.813
Today's singles want to know[br]every single thing about a partner

0:08:17.837,0:08:19.466
before they wed.

0:08:19.490,0:08:21.419
You learn a lot between the sheets,

0:08:21.443,0:08:23.955
not only about how somebody makes love,

0:08:23.979,0:08:25.349
but whether they're kind,

0:08:25.373,0:08:26.715
whether they can listen

0:08:26.739,0:08:27.911
and at my age,

0:08:27.935,0:08:29.713
whether they've got a sense of humor.

0:08:29.737,0:08:31.140
(Laughter)

0:08:31.164,0:08:34.618
And in an age where we have[br]too many choices,

0:08:35.075,0:08:38.337
we have very little fear[br]of pregnancy and disease

0:08:38.361,0:08:42.069
and we've got no feeling of shame[br]for sex before marriage,

0:08:42.093,0:08:45.791
I think people are taking[br]their time to love.

0:08:46.408,0:08:48.059
And actually, what's happening is,

0:08:48.083,0:08:51.944
what we're seeing is a real expansion[br]of the precommitment stage

0:08:51.968,0:08:53.704
before you tie the knot.

0:08:54.034,0:08:56.760
Where marriage used to be[br]the beginning of a relationship,

0:08:56.784,0:08:58.453
now it's the finale.

0:08:59.413,0:09:01.153
But the human brain --

0:09:01.177,0:09:03.186
(Laughter)

0:09:03.210,0:09:05.024
The human brain always triumphs,

0:09:05.048,0:09:06.943
and indeed, in the United States today,

0:09:06.967,0:09:10.465
86 percent of Americans[br]will marry by age 49.

0:09:10.489,0:09:14.035
And even in cultures around the world[br]where they're not marrying as often,

0:09:14.059,0:09:17.334
they are settling down eventually[br]with a long-term partner.

0:09:17.358,0:09:19.193
So it began to occur to me:

0:09:19.217,0:09:23.784
during this long extension[br]of the precommitment stage,

0:09:23.808,0:09:26.981
if you can get rid of bad[br]relationships before you marry,

0:09:27.005,0:09:29.452
maybe we're going to see[br]more happy marriages.

0:09:29.838,0:09:34.713
So I did a study of 1,100[br]married people in America --

0:09:34.737,0:09:36.464
not on Match.com, of course --

0:09:36.488,0:09:38.604
and I asked them a lot of questions.

0:09:38.628,0:09:40.135
But one of the questions was,

0:09:40.159,0:09:44.731
"Would you re-marry the person[br]you're currently married to?"

0:09:44.755,0:09:47.620
And 81 percent said, "Yes."

0:09:48.613,0:09:55.092
In fact, the greatest change[br]in modern romance and family life

0:09:55.116,0:09:56.516
is not technology.

0:09:57.070,0:09:58.564
It's not even slow love.

0:09:59.047,0:10:01.998
It's actually women[br]piling into the job market

0:10:02.022,0:10:03.445
in cultures around the world.

0:10:03.767,0:10:04.996
For millions of years,

0:10:05.020,0:10:07.990
our ancestors lived[br]in little hunting and gathering groups.

0:10:08.014,0:10:10.919
Women commuted to work[br]to gather their fruits and vegetables.

0:10:10.943,0:10:14.453
They came home with 60 to 80[br]percent of the evening meal.

0:10:14.477,0:10:17.170
The double-income family was the rule.

0:10:17.194,0:10:21.135
And women were regarded[br]as just as economically, socially

0:10:21.159,0:10:24.274
and sexually powerful as men.

0:10:24.298,0:10:27.400
Then the environment changed[br]some 10,000 years ago,

0:10:27.424,0:10:29.653
we began to settle down on the farm

0:10:29.677,0:10:32.868
and both men and women[br]became obliged, really,

0:10:32.892,0:10:34.464
to marry the right person,

0:10:34.488,0:10:35.918
from the right background,

0:10:35.942,0:10:37.245
from the right religion

0:10:37.269,0:10:40.807
and from the right kin[br]and social and political connections.

0:10:40.831,0:10:42.425
Men's jobs became more important:

0:10:42.449,0:10:45.186
they had to move the rocks,[br]fell the trees, plow the land.

0:10:45.210,0:10:48.134
They brought the produce[br]to local markets, and came home

0:10:48.158,0:10:49.672
with the equivalent of money.

0:10:49.696,0:10:51.242
Along with this,

0:10:51.266,0:10:54.243
we see a rise of a host of beliefs:

0:10:54.267,0:10:56.449
the belief of virginity at marriage,

0:10:56.473,0:10:59.416
arranged marriages --[br]strictly arranged marriages --

0:10:59.440,0:11:01.967
the belief that the man[br]is the head of the household,

0:11:01.991,0:11:04.230
that the wife's place is in the home

0:11:04.254,0:11:05.407
and most important,

0:11:05.431,0:11:08.562
honor thy husband,[br]and 'til death do us part.

0:11:08.586,0:11:10.308
These are gone.

0:11:10.332,0:11:12.881
They are going, and in many places,

0:11:12.905,0:11:14.293
they are gone.

0:11:14.317,0:11:17.740
We are right now in a marriage revolution.

0:11:17.764,0:11:22.479
We are shedding 10,000 years[br]of our farming tradition

0:11:22.503,0:11:28.129
and moving forward towards egalitarian[br]relationships between the sexes --

0:11:28.153,0:11:32.968
something I regard as highly compatible[br]with the ancient human spirit.

0:11:33.562,0:11:35.264
I'm not a Pollyanna;

0:11:35.288,0:11:37.049
there's a great deal to cry about.

0:11:37.073,0:11:38.819
I've studied divorce in 80 cultures,

0:11:38.843,0:11:40.979
I've studied, as I say,[br]adultery in many --

0:11:41.003,0:11:42.819
there's a whole pile of problems.

0:11:42.843,0:11:46.035
As William Butler Yeats,[br]the poet, once said,

0:11:46.059,0:11:48.524
"Love is the crooked thing."

0:11:49.131,0:11:51.921
I would add, "Nobody gets out alive."

0:11:51.945,0:11:53.040
(Laughter)

0:11:53.064,0:11:54.531
We all have problems.

0:11:54.925,0:11:58.529
But in fact, I think the poet[br]Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.

0:11:58.553,0:12:03.552
He said, "The dark, uneasy world[br]of family life --

0:12:03.576,0:12:08.094
where the greatest can fail,[br]and the humblest succeed."

0:12:08.779,0:12:10.666
But I will leave you with this:

0:12:10.690,0:12:13.418
love and attachment will prevail,

0:12:13.442,0:12:15.975
technology cannot change it.

0:12:15.999,0:12:17.837
And I will conclude by saying

0:12:17.861,0:12:23.107
any understanding of human relationships[br]must take into account

0:12:23.131,0:12:27.356
one the most powerful determinants[br]of human behavior:

0:12:27.380,0:12:28.598
the unquenchable,

0:12:29.217,0:12:30.382
adaptable

0:12:30.789,0:12:33.795
and primordial human drive to love.

0:12:33.819,0:12:34.971
Thank you.

0:12:34.995,0:12:38.017
(Applause)

0:12:39.915,0:12:42.296
Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you[br]so much for that, Helen.

0:12:42.320,0:12:44.629
As you know, there's another[br]speaker here with us

0:12:44.653,0:12:46.203
that works in your same field.

0:12:46.227,0:12:48.658
She comes at it[br]from a different perspective.

0:12:48.682,0:12:53.319
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist[br]who works with couples.

0:12:53.749,0:12:55.042
You study data,

0:12:55.066,0:12:57.566
Esther studies the stories[br]the couples tell her

0:12:57.590,0:12:59.618
when they come to her for help.

0:12:59.642,0:13:01.366
Let's have her join us on the stage.

0:13:01.390,0:13:02.541
Esther?

0:13:02.565,0:13:05.696
(Applause)

0:13:10.249,0:13:11.495
So Esther,

0:13:11.519,0:13:13.791
when you were watching Helen's talk,

0:13:13.815,0:13:15.021
was there any part of it

0:13:15.045,0:13:17.812
that resonated with you[br]through the lens of your own work

0:13:17.836,0:13:19.421
that you'd like to comment on?

0:13:20.062,0:13:23.641
Esther Perel: It's interesting,[br]because on the one hand,

0:13:23.665,0:13:27.494
the need for love[br]is ubiquitous and universal.

0:13:27.965,0:13:29.929
But the way we love --

0:13:29.953,0:13:31.483
the meaning we make out of it --

0:13:31.507,0:13:33.832
the rules that govern[br]our relationships, I think,

0:13:33.856,0:13:35.883
are changing fundamentally.

0:13:35.907,0:13:38.807
We come from a model that, until now,

0:13:38.831,0:13:42.294
was primarily regulated[br]around duty and obligation,

0:13:42.318,0:13:44.715
the needs of the collective and loyalty.

0:13:44.739,0:13:45.919
And we have shifted it

0:13:45.943,0:13:50.273
to a model of free choice[br]and individual rights,

0:13:50.297,0:13:53.373
and self-fulfillment and happiness.

0:13:53.397,0:13:55.717
And so, that was[br]the first thing I thought,

0:13:55.741,0:13:57.509
that the need doesn't change,

0:13:57.533,0:14:01.341
but the context and the way[br]we regulate these relationships

0:14:01.365,0:14:02.643
changes a lot.

0:14:02.667,0:14:04.507
On the paradox of choice --

0:14:06.682,0:14:09.009
you know, on the one hand[br]we relish the novelty

0:14:09.033,0:14:10.625
and the playfulness, I think,

0:14:10.649,0:14:13.360
to be able to have so many options.

0:14:13.384,0:14:14.745
And at the same time,

0:14:14.769,0:14:17.183
as you talk about this cognitive overload,

0:14:17.207,0:14:20.655
I see many, many people who ...

0:14:22.391,0:14:26.497
who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt

0:14:26.521,0:14:29.070
that comes with this massa of choice,

0:14:29.094,0:14:31.353
creating a case of "FOMO"

0:14:31.377,0:14:33.019
and then leading us --

0:14:33.043,0:14:36.358
FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,[br]or fear of missing out --

0:14:36.382,0:14:39.340
it's like, "How do I know[br]I have found 'the one' --

0:14:39.364,0:14:40.536
the right one?"

0:14:40.560,0:14:44.243
So we've created what I call[br]this thing of "stable ambiguity."

0:14:44.600,0:14:48.305
Stable ambiguity is when[br]you are too afraid to be alone,

0:14:48.329,0:14:52.364
but also not really willing[br]to engage in intimacy-building.

0:14:52.388,0:14:57.682
It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong[br]the uncertainty of a relationship

0:14:57.706,0:15:00.313
but also the uncertainty of the breakup.

0:15:00.337,0:15:03.319
So, here on the internet[br]you have three major ones.

0:15:03.343,0:15:05.664
One is icing and simmering,

0:15:05.688,0:15:08.563
which are great stalling tactics

0:15:08.587,0:15:11.064
that offer a kind of holding pattern

0:15:11.088,0:15:14.882
that emphasizes the undefined[br]nature of a relationship,

0:15:14.906,0:15:19.013
but at the same time gives you[br]enough of a comforting consistency

0:15:19.037,0:15:21.794
and enough freedom[br]of the undefined boundaries.

0:15:21.818,0:15:23.644
(Laughter)

0:15:24.070,0:15:25.240
Yeah?

0:15:25.264,0:15:26.812
And then comes ghosting.

0:15:26.836,0:15:28.808
And ghosting is, basically,

0:15:28.832,0:15:33.352
you disappear from this massa[br]of texts on the spot,

0:15:33.376,0:15:37.161
and you don't have to deal with[br]the pain that you inflict on another,

0:15:37.185,0:15:39.783
because you're making it[br]invisible even to yourself.

0:15:39.807,0:15:40.994
(Laughter)

0:15:41.018,0:15:42.176
Yeah?

0:15:42.200,0:15:46.937
So I was thinking -- these words came up[br]for me as I was listening to you,

0:15:46.961,0:15:52.124
like how a vocabulary[br]also creates a reality,

0:15:52.148,0:15:53.703
and at the same time,

0:15:53.727,0:15:55.411
that's my question to you:

0:15:55.435,0:15:58.375
Do you think when the context changes,

0:15:58.399,0:16:02.039
it still means that the nature[br]of love remains the same?

0:16:02.063,0:16:06.161
You study the brain and I study[br]people's relationships and stories,

0:16:06.185,0:16:10.171
so I think it's everything you say, plus.

0:16:10.691,0:16:14.593
But I don't always know the degree[br]to which a changing context ...

0:16:15.451,0:16:17.981
Does it at some point begin to change --

0:16:18.005,0:16:20.618
If the meaning changes,[br]does it change the need,

0:16:20.642,0:16:23.105
or is the need clear[br]of the entire context?

0:16:23.797,0:16:25.217
HF: Wow! Well --

0:16:25.241,0:16:27.672
(Laughter)

0:16:27.696,0:16:30.871
(Applause)

0:16:30.895,0:16:33.863
Well, I've got three points here, right?

0:16:34.736,0:16:36.562
First of all, to your first one:

0:16:36.586,0:16:40.179
there's no question that we've changed,[br]that we now want a person to love,

0:16:40.203,0:16:43.048
and for thousands of years,[br]we had to marry the right person

0:16:43.072,0:16:45.343
from the right background[br]and right connection.

0:16:45.367,0:16:48.718
And in fact, in my studies[br]of 5,000 people every year,

0:16:48.742,0:16:50.868
I ask them, "What are you looking for?"

0:16:50.892,0:16:53.650
And every single year,[br]over 97 percent say --

0:16:53.674,0:16:54.884
EP: And this grows --

0:16:54.908,0:16:56.068
HF: Well, no.

0:16:56.092,0:16:59.415
The basic thing is[br]over 97 percent of people

0:16:59.439,0:17:01.530
want somebody that respects them,

0:17:01.554,0:17:03.842
somebody they can trust and confide in,

0:17:03.866,0:17:05.522
somebody who makes them laugh,

0:17:05.546,0:17:07.428
somebody who makes enough time for them

0:17:07.452,0:17:11.449
and somebody who they find[br]physically attractive.

0:17:11.473,0:17:12.756
That never changes.

0:17:12.780,0:17:15.958
And there's certainly -- you know,[br]there's two parts --

0:17:15.982,0:17:17.562
EP: But you know how I call that?

0:17:17.586,0:17:19.836
That's not what people used to say --

0:17:19.860,0:17:21.090
HF: That's exactly right.

0:17:21.114,0:17:24.413
EP: They said they wanted somebody[br]with whom they have companionship,

0:17:24.437,0:17:25.728
economic support, children.

0:17:25.752,0:17:28.338
We went from a production economy[br]to a service economy.

0:17:28.362,0:17:29.371
(Laughter)

0:17:29.395,0:17:32.376
We did it in the larger culture[br]and we're doing it in marriage.

0:17:32.400,0:17:33.948
HF: Right, no question about it.

0:17:33.972,0:17:37.882
But it's interesting, the millennials[br]actually want to be very good parents,

0:17:37.906,0:17:42.026
whereas the generation above them[br]wants to have a very fine marriage

0:17:42.050,0:17:44.272
but is not as focused[br]on being a good parent.

0:17:44.296,0:17:46.379
You see all of these nuances.

0:17:46.403,0:17:48.959
There's two basic parts of personality:

0:17:48.983,0:17:52.558
there's your culture -- everything you[br]grew up to do and believe and say --

0:17:52.582,0:17:53.981
and there's your temperament.

0:17:54.005,0:17:56.832
Basically, what I've been talking[br]about is your temperament.

0:17:56.856,0:18:00.174
And that temperament is certainly[br]going to change with changing times

0:18:00.198,0:18:01.499
and changing beliefs.

0:18:01.891,0:18:05.038
And in terms of the paradox of choice,

0:18:05.062,0:18:07.469
there's no question about it[br]that this is a pickle.

0:18:07.493,0:18:10.357
There were millions of years[br]where you found that sweet boy

0:18:10.381,0:18:12.106
at the other side of the water hole,

0:18:12.130,0:18:13.281
and you went for it.

0:18:13.305,0:18:14.456
EP: Yes, but you --

0:18:14.480,0:18:16.227
HF: I do want to say one more thing.

0:18:16.251,0:18:18.868
The bottom line is, in hunting[br]and gathering societies,

0:18:18.892,0:18:22.490
they tended to have two or three partners[br]during the course of their lives.

0:18:22.514,0:18:23.672
They weren't square!

0:18:23.696,0:18:25.352
And I'm not suggesting that we do,

0:18:25.376,0:18:29.352
but the bottom line is,[br]we've always had alternatives.

0:18:29.376,0:18:30.855
Mankind is always --

0:18:30.879,0:18:34.071
in fact, the brain is well-built[br]to what we call "equilibrate,"

0:18:34.095,0:18:35.246
to try and decide:

0:18:35.270,0:18:37.704
Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?

0:18:37.728,0:18:39.276
What are the opportunities here?

0:18:39.300,0:18:40.602
How do I handle this there?

0:18:40.626,0:18:43.587
And so I think we're seeing[br]another play-out of that now.

0:18:44.052,0:18:45.675
KS: Well, thank you both so much.

0:18:45.699,0:18:48.905
I think you're going to have[br]a million dinner partners for tonight!

0:18:48.929,0:18:50.908
(Applause)

0:18:50.932,0:18:52.113
Thank you, thank you.