WEBVTT

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We usually think of conflict as something
that happens between people.

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After all, who's there
when things go wrong?

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People.

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And people can be very annoying.

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(Laughter)

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But they're really just the part
of the story that's easiest to see.

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In almost 30 years of working
with employees at every level,

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from warehouse associates
and service reps to CEOs,

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I've seen over and over what happens

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when we hold the mistaken belief
that conflict would not exist

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if those annoying people
would just get themselves together

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and work things out.

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Unfortunately, when we operate
out of that belief,

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we tend to say and do things
that cause conflict to persist

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and to create even more damage

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to both organizations
and the people in them.

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And that's true

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whether we're talking about businesses
or non-profits, schools, even families,

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and entire societies.

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If we want to solve conflict,

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we've got to do some digging.

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We have to look at the structures
that lie underneath the conflict,

NOTE Paragraph

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and I am going to give you an example

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and then five steps that you can take
to fix conflict wherever you are.

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So, a couple of years ago,

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a CEO brought me in
to work with two senior executives.

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I'll call them Amy and Bill.

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And they were locked
in a serious conflict.

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And the CEO described it to me
as a communication problem,

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and it looked something like this.

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Now, I interviewed Amy and Bill,
and they told me a different story.

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From their description, the conflict
actually looked more like this.

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They didn't see it
as a communication problem.

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They saw it as differences
in departmental opinions

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about how the work
should be done in the company,

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based on their beliefs
about each other's functional roles.

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But then I interviewed
Bill and Amy's team members

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and other people in the organization.

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And it turned out that the situation
really looked like this.

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You can see that underneath what looked
sort of like a person-to-person-conflict

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or a departmental conflict,

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we have these deeply embedded structures,

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including everything from company history

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and cultural norms
to work processes and procedures.

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It seems unrealistic to blame individuals

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and to treat them as if they
have sole responsibility for conflict,

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when as you can see, they're really only
the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

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And it also seems unrealistic to think

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that we can come up with simplistic,
interpersonal solutions

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like sending Amy and Bill off
to communication training

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or even to anger management classes.

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No, we have to excavate
what's under the conflict

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and bring it out into the open

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so that we can analyze, understand,


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and begin to resolve the human conflict
that's building on the top.

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And now, I am going to give you five steps
so you can do just that wherever you are.

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Step one:

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We need to rule out
the unfortunate possibility

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that a single dysfunctional individual
is actually the source of conflict.

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I don't mean somebody who makes mistakes.

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I mean someone who's really a danger.

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In organizations, a common example of this
is someone who's a bully.

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Bullies don't have the self-awareness


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to recognize when
they're hurting other people,

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and it's very hard for them to give up
whatever kinds of nasty behavior

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they believe has worked
for them in the past.

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A second common example
of the kind of dysfunctional person

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who can truly be the source of conflict

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is someone who's an incompetent.

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They create a lot of mess.

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They sometimes fake their way into a job,

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and in other cases, you may have seen
people promoted beyond their capability.

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Now, the lucky thing
about workplace conflict

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is that it's completely
legitimate and appropriate

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to screen out dysfunctional individuals

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or to deal with them
through a combination of coaching,

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counseling, and corrective action.

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So once you have dealt with
or screened out your dysfunctional person,

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you can go on to step two.

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And that's asking the right people
the right questions.

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You might think that you should start
with the folks who are in control,

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the people who have power and status,

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but it doesn't work because they're not
close enough to the real action.

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Instead, you need to interview the people
who are experiencing events on the ground.

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And you need a full range
of their opinions

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because even though they'll try
to give you their honest opinion,

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each one by its very nature is incomplete

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because they're bounded
by their individual experiences

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and their perceptions.

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So you need a broad range of views,
and that permits you,

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when you have the full picture,

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to start to see the patterns
and dynamics operating underneath.

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And what kind of questions can you ask?

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Here are some that I like to use:

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Can you tell me what goes right here?

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What's the thing that whenever
it happens, it makes you nuts?

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Is there something that would help you
do your job better?

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Why do you stay if it sounds like
there are so many problems here?

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So let me recap:

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We rule out the dysfunctional individual,

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and then we ask the right people
the right questions,

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and that lets us go on to step three.

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And that's making sure
that everyone is aligned,

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that they have a consistent understanding
of what the goals are,

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who's responsible for which decisions,

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and who does what to whom.

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You would be amazed at

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how many sincere, well-meaning people
can have deep disagreements

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about goals and means,


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including fairly obvious things
like who has budget authority

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and who has responsibility
for which decisions

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and who can take credit for success.

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An example: At one of my client's,

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a senior leader assigned
overlapping responsibility

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for the same turf
to two different executives.

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These two execs and their teams

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fought for an entire year
over who got to call which shots

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and who was going to take the blame
for declining performance results.

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The human resources group came in,

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tried to facilitate a truce,
encourage a better behavior.

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But until the senior leader left

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and the overlapping assignments
came fully to light

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and were completely redefined,

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there was no change.

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Because it's very hard to think

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that just a little good behavior,
pleasantness, trying harder

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is going to make a difference

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when you have two different sets of feet
standing in the same space.

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The fourth step is to find allies
at all levels in the organization

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to help you implement the change.

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Because even if you've ruled out
the dysfunctional individuals,

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and you've asked the right people
the right questions,

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and you've aligned
around the goals and the means,

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if you don't have a critical mass
of participation,

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nothing substantial is going to happen.

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At one of my client's,

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there was a persistent conflict
in the executive team itself.

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I was facilitating a group
of mid-level managers,

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and these people really needed
to get their work done.

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So they were willing to work on
concrete, practical solutions together

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in ways that their bosses were not.

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Over time, we were able to build bridges
across the various departments.

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These allies communicated
the concepts down to their teams,

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and eventually, they were able
to start managing up

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in ways that created
better performance, better productivity,

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and definitely better behavior
even within the executive team.

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And the fifth step:

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Teach new habits for managing differences.

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I've talked about
the problems with structures

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and how you have to recognize them
and what their impact can be.

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But from time to time,

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people do have significant
interpersonal communication problems.

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So it only makes sense to teach
some new techniques and habits

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that can help people
deal with the strong feelings

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and the stressful thinking
that conflict brings with it.

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Here are just a few of the habits
I teach my clients.

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The first one is called
"lizard listening."

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I remind clients that our amygdala,
our ancient lizard brain,

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interprets emotional cues
as if they were present physical danger

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even before we have a chance
to assess what's going on

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or interpret them logically.

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I encourage them to reconsider
what they've just said

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or are planning to say
to their counterpart in conflict,

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and to think about what will happen

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when that counterpart
filters the conversation

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through their lizard brain,

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what misconceptions could come up -
inaccurate, negative beliefs -

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what could be misconstrued -
even perfectly good intentions -

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are there ways to reframe those negatives

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so that the next conversation
can be more persuasive and more positive?

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Then we have the evil-logic check.

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When somebody bothers us,
we tend to think of them as a bad person.

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So when clients complain
about the bad people they work with,

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I ask them specifically
if they think their counterpart is evil.

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And that's the word I use
because it's so strong.

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No, no, they have to step back.

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"She's not really evil;
she's just annoying."

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So then I press a little bit further,

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and I ask, Why would a smart person
do such a stupid thing?

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This leading question
helps people reconsider

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what's really going on
with that annoying person.

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And sometimes,

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in addition to the alternative
explanations for what they meant,

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they can even develop some compassion
for the annoying person's situation

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because after all, when we
label behavior as bad and stupid,

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it is usually coming from some form
of pressure, fear, or threat.

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And then my favorite
are these elephant cards.

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Sometimes, there is something important
and true that needs to be said,

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but it's too uncomfortable.

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Most of us don't want to be the one
to put someone on the spot.

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We don't like to say something
that sounds unkind.

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It can feel like a real risk to put
undiscussable subjects on the table.

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I distribute these elephant cards
at my facilitations.

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When there's something
important going unsaid,

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anybody in the room
can play an elephant card.

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I have clients who are doing
this years later.

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The very act of playing the card

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raises the possibility with other people
who understand the significance

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that you can discuss topics

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which previously
would have been impermissible.

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Okay.

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So, we have ruled out
dysfunctional individuals,

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we've asked the right people
the right questions,

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we've ensured that we have alignment,

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we've looked for allies to help us
implement the change,

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and we've taught some specific techniques,

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so people feel that they have a better way
to communicate with each other.

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Now, let me tell you: Working through
these five steps, it's not easy.

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It takes courage and commitment.

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It takes a little humor,

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and it takes a heap of effort
to get traction on persistent conflict.

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But if we are ever going to help
our schools, our workplaces,

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and our civic organizations
function better,

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if we want to help people make
the real contribution that they can,

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we have to uncover and understand

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what's truly underneath
any conflict in any situation.

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Then we can help people
work together successfully

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for everyone's benefit wherever we are.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)