1
00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:15,208
We usually think of conflict as something
that happens between people.

2
00:00:16,527 --> 00:00:21,177
After all, who's there
when things go wrong?

3
00:00:21,773 --> 00:00:22,823
People.

4
00:00:23,378 --> 00:00:26,868
And people can be very annoying.

5
00:00:26,868 --> 00:00:28,918
(Laughter)

6
00:00:28,948 --> 00:00:34,688
But they're really just the part
of the story that's easiest to see.

7
00:00:36,338 --> 00:00:40,868
In almost 30 years of working
with employees at every level,

8
00:00:40,886 --> 00:00:44,796
from warehouse associates
and service reps to CEOs,

9
00:00:44,806 --> 00:00:48,244
I've seen over and over what happens

10
00:00:48,264 --> 00:00:55,224
when we hold the mistaken belief
that conflict would not exist

11
00:00:55,257 --> 00:01:02,067
if those annoying people
would just get themselves together

12
00:01:04,102 --> 00:01:05,562
and work things out.

13
00:01:07,221 --> 00:01:10,701
Unfortunately, when we operate
out of that belief,

14
00:01:10,724 --> 00:01:15,144
we tend to say and do things
that cause conflict to persist

15
00:01:15,756 --> 00:01:18,306
and to create even more damage

16
00:01:18,313 --> 00:01:21,323
to both organizations
and the people in them.

17
00:01:22,407 --> 00:01:23,617
And that's true

18
00:01:23,619 --> 00:01:28,399
whether we're talking about businesses
or non-profits, schools, even families,

19
00:01:28,399 --> 00:01:30,519
and entire societies.

20
00:01:31,587 --> 00:01:34,487
If we want to solve conflict,

21
00:01:35,106 --> 00:01:36,826
we've got to do some digging.

22
00:01:36,848 --> 00:01:42,508
We have to look at the structures
that lie underneath the conflict,

23
00:01:42,523 --> 00:01:44,773
and I am going to give you an example

24
00:01:44,803 --> 00:01:49,763
and then five steps that you can take
to fix conflict wherever you are.

25
00:01:49,783 --> 00:01:53,369
So, a couple of years ago,

26
00:01:53,369 --> 00:01:57,809
a CEO brought me in
to work with two senior executives.

27
00:01:57,844 --> 00:02:00,024
I'll call them Amy and Bill.

28
00:02:00,650 --> 00:02:04,210
And they were locked
in a serious conflict.

29
00:02:04,447 --> 00:02:09,947
And the CEO described it to me
as a communication problem,

30
00:02:09,981 --> 00:02:13,221
and it looked something like this.

31
00:02:14,636 --> 00:02:20,346
Now, I interviewed Amy and Bill,
and they told me a different story.

32
00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:27,950
From their description, the conflict
actually looked more like this.

33
00:02:29,348 --> 00:02:32,138
They didn't see it
as a communication problem.

34
00:02:32,162 --> 00:02:38,912
They saw it as differences
in departmental opinions

35
00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:41,933
about how the work
should be done in the company,

36
00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:46,759
based on their beliefs
about each other's functional roles.

37
00:02:47,153 --> 00:02:52,213
But then I interviewed
Bill and Amy's team members

38
00:02:52,258 --> 00:02:54,640
and other people in the organization.

39
00:02:54,660 --> 00:03:01,250
And it turned out that the situation
really looked like this.

40
00:03:01,763 --> 00:03:08,703
You can see that underneath what looked
sort of like a person-to-person-conflict

41
00:03:08,733 --> 00:03:10,807
or a departmental conflict,

42
00:03:10,826 --> 00:03:13,536
we have these deeply embedded structures,

43
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:16,461
including everything from company history

44
00:03:16,489 --> 00:03:20,549
and cultural norms
to work processes and procedures.

45
00:03:24,715 --> 00:03:30,995
It seems unrealistic to blame individuals

46
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:37,476
and to treat them as if they
have sole responsibility for conflict,

47
00:03:37,496 --> 00:03:42,928
when as you can see, they're really only
the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

48
00:03:44,272 --> 00:03:47,682
And it also seems unrealistic to think

49
00:03:47,689 --> 00:03:51,709
that we can come up with simplistic,
interpersonal solutions

50
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:55,955
like sending Amy and Bill off
to communication training

51
00:03:55,975 --> 00:03:58,855
or even to anger management classes.

52
00:03:58,884 --> 00:04:02,755
No, we have to excavate
what's under the conflict

53
00:04:02,765 --> 00:04:05,015
and bring it out into the open

54
00:04:05,039 --> 00:04:08,459
so that we can analyze, understand,


55
00:04:08,459 --> 00:04:13,989
and begin to resolve the human conflict
that's building on the top.

56
00:04:14,419 --> 00:04:19,339
And now, I am going to give you five steps
so you can do just that wherever you are.

57
00:04:20,255 --> 00:04:21,391
Step one:

58
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:28,521
We need to rule out
the unfortunate possibility

59
00:04:28,521 --> 00:04:34,171
that a single dysfunctional individual
is actually the source of conflict.

60
00:04:34,715 --> 00:04:36,685
I don't mean somebody who makes mistakes.

61
00:04:36,715 --> 00:04:39,395
I mean someone who's really a danger.

62
00:04:39,997 --> 00:04:44,437
In organizations, a common example of this
is someone who's a bully.

63
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,040
Bullies don't have the self-awareness


64
00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:49,840
to recognize when
they're hurting other people,

65
00:04:49,853 --> 00:04:54,504
and it's very hard for them to give up
whatever kinds of nasty behavior

66
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:57,224
they believe has worked
for them in the past.

67
00:04:57,250 --> 00:05:01,590
A second common example
of the kind of dysfunctional person

68
00:05:01,616 --> 00:05:04,706
who can truly be the source of conflict

69
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,711
is someone who's an incompetent.

70
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,711
They create a lot of mess.

71
00:05:13,298 --> 00:05:16,818
They sometimes fake their way into a job,

72
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:22,237
and in other cases, you may have seen
people promoted beyond their capability.

73
00:05:23,452 --> 00:05:26,742
Now, the lucky thing
about workplace conflict

74
00:05:26,768 --> 00:05:30,758
is that it's completely
legitimate and appropriate

75
00:05:30,778 --> 00:05:34,265
to screen out dysfunctional individuals

76
00:05:34,587 --> 00:05:38,407
or to deal with them
through a combination of coaching,

77
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,590
counseling, and corrective action.

78
00:05:40,597 --> 00:05:45,437
So once you have dealt with
or screened out your dysfunctional person,

79
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:47,717
you can go on to step two.

80
00:05:48,573 --> 00:05:51,983
And that's asking the right people
the right questions.

81
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:55,930
You might think that you should start
with the folks who are in control,

82
00:05:55,954 --> 00:05:58,684
the people who have power and status,

83
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:03,375
but it doesn't work because they're not
close enough to the real action.

84
00:06:03,971 --> 00:06:10,661
Instead, you need to interview the people
who are experiencing events on the ground.

85
00:06:11,114 --> 00:06:14,654
And you need a full range
of their opinions

86
00:06:14,683 --> 00:06:19,413
because even though they'll try
to give you their honest opinion,

87
00:06:19,871 --> 00:06:23,541
each one by its very nature is incomplete

88
00:06:24,177 --> 00:06:27,747
because they're bounded
by their individual experiences

89
00:06:27,747 --> 00:06:29,267
and their perceptions.

90
00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:34,168
So you need a broad range of views,
and that permits you,

91
00:06:34,168 --> 00:06:36,131
when you have the full picture,

92
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:40,850
to start to see the patterns
and dynamics operating underneath.

93
00:06:42,127 --> 00:06:44,577
And what kind of questions can you ask?

94
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,871
Here are some that I like to use:

95
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,530
Can you tell me what goes right here?

96
00:06:52,994 --> 00:06:58,104
What's the thing that whenever
it happens, it makes you nuts?

97
00:06:59,159 --> 00:07:03,159
Is there something that would help you
do your job better?

98
00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:10,337
Why do you stay if it sounds like
there are so many problems here?

99
00:07:12,285 --> 00:07:14,035
So let me recap:

100
00:07:15,397 --> 00:07:18,427
We rule out the dysfunctional individual,

101
00:07:18,959 --> 00:07:21,749
and then we ask the right people
the right questions,

102
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,420
and that lets us go on to step three.

103
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:30,017
And that's making sure
that everyone is aligned,

104
00:07:30,029 --> 00:07:34,270
that they have a consistent understanding
of what the goals are,

105
00:07:34,290 --> 00:07:36,570
who's responsible for which decisions,

106
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,141
and who does what to whom.

107
00:07:40,125 --> 00:07:42,075
You would be amazed at

108
00:07:42,092 --> 00:07:47,462
how many sincere, well-meaning people
can have deep disagreements

109
00:07:47,471 --> 00:07:49,262
about goals and means,


110
00:07:49,282 --> 00:07:54,212
including fairly obvious things
like who has budget authority

111
00:07:54,246 --> 00:07:57,556
and who has responsibility
for which decisions

112
00:07:57,571 --> 00:08:00,591
and who can take credit for success.

113
00:08:01,182 --> 00:08:03,974
An example: At one of my client's,

114
00:08:04,004 --> 00:08:09,014
a senior leader assigned
overlapping responsibility

115
00:08:09,043 --> 00:08:12,353
for the same turf
to two different executives.

116
00:08:12,891 --> 00:08:15,948
These two execs and their teams

117
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:20,588
fought for an entire year
over who got to call which shots

118
00:08:20,621 --> 00:08:25,331
and who was going to take the blame
for declining performance results.

119
00:08:25,355 --> 00:08:28,325
The human resources group came in,

120
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,621
tried to facilitate a truce,
encourage a better behavior.

121
00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:34,993
But until the senior leader left

122
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,535
and the overlapping assignments
came fully to light

123
00:08:39,192 --> 00:08:41,272
and were completely redefined,

124
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,542
there was no change.

125
00:08:43,893 --> 00:08:46,453
Because it's very hard to think

126
00:08:46,477 --> 00:08:51,067
that just a little good behavior,
pleasantness, trying harder

127
00:08:51,086 --> 00:08:52,906
is going to make a difference

128
00:08:52,912 --> 00:08:57,172
when you have two different sets of feet
standing in the same space.

129
00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:08,166
The fourth step is to find allies
at all levels in the organization

130
00:09:08,529 --> 00:09:10,909
to help you implement the change.

131
00:09:11,138 --> 00:09:14,668
Because even if you've ruled out
the dysfunctional individuals,

132
00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:17,695
and you've asked the right people
the right questions,

133
00:09:17,735 --> 00:09:21,234
and you've aligned
around the goals and the means,

134
00:09:21,264 --> 00:09:23,664
if you don't have a critical mass
of participation,

135
00:09:23,674 --> 00:09:25,978
nothing substantial is going to happen.

136
00:09:26,529 --> 00:09:28,235
At one of my client's,

137
00:09:28,265 --> 00:09:33,145
there was a persistent conflict
in the executive team itself.

138
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:37,917
I was facilitating a group
of mid-level managers,

139
00:09:37,929 --> 00:09:40,769
and these people really needed
to get their work done.

140
00:09:40,899 --> 00:09:47,081
So they were willing to work on
concrete, practical solutions together

141
00:09:47,121 --> 00:09:49,081
in ways that their bosses were not.

142
00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:54,070
Over time, we were able to build bridges
across the various departments.

143
00:09:54,313 --> 00:09:58,273
These allies communicated
the concepts down to their teams,

144
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:02,843
and eventually, they were able
to start managing up

145
00:10:02,883 --> 00:10:06,931
in ways that created
better performance, better productivity,

146
00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:11,831
and definitely better behavior
even within the executive team.

147
00:10:12,790 --> 00:10:14,270
And the fifth step:

148
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:19,803
Teach new habits for managing differences.

149
00:10:19,829 --> 00:10:23,759
I've talked about
the problems with structures

150
00:10:23,792 --> 00:10:27,162
and how you have to recognize them
and what their impact can be.

151
00:10:27,186 --> 00:10:29,336
But from time to time,

152
00:10:29,368 --> 00:10:33,538
people do have significant
interpersonal communication problems.

153
00:10:33,563 --> 00:10:37,833
So it only makes sense to teach
some new techniques and habits

154
00:10:38,135 --> 00:10:44,125
that can help people
deal with the strong feelings

155
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:48,130
and the stressful thinking
that conflict brings with it.

156
00:10:48,446 --> 00:10:52,836
Here are just a few of the habits
I teach my clients.

157
00:10:53,878 --> 00:10:56,788
The first one is called
"lizard listening."

158
00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:03,270
I remind clients that our amygdala,
our ancient lizard brain,

159
00:11:03,290 --> 00:11:10,220
interprets emotional cues
as if they were present physical danger

160
00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:13,638
even before we have a chance
to assess what's going on

161
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:16,420
or interpret them logically.

162
00:11:16,577 --> 00:11:20,787
I encourage them to reconsider
what they've just said

163
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:25,304
or are planning to say
to their counterpart in conflict,

164
00:11:25,323 --> 00:11:28,433
and to think about what will happen

165
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:33,115
when that counterpart
filters the conversation

166
00:11:33,137 --> 00:11:35,027
through their lizard brain,

167
00:11:36,664 --> 00:11:43,414
what misconceptions could come up -
inaccurate, negative beliefs -

168
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:47,937
what could be misconstrued -
even perfectly good intentions -

169
00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:51,230
are there ways to reframe those negatives

170
00:11:51,819 --> 00:11:58,079
so that the next conversation
can be more persuasive and more positive?

171
00:11:59,878 --> 00:12:02,398
Then we have the evil-logic check.

172
00:12:04,115 --> 00:12:08,815
When somebody bothers us,
we tend to think of them as a bad person.

173
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:14,809
So when clients complain
about the bad people they work with,

174
00:12:14,832 --> 00:12:19,652
I ask them specifically
if they think their counterpart is evil.

175
00:12:19,665 --> 00:12:23,265
And that's the word I use
because it's so strong.

176
00:12:23,295 --> 00:12:25,215
No, no, they have to step back.

177
00:12:25,270 --> 00:12:28,040
"She's not really evil;
she's just annoying."

178
00:12:28,684 --> 00:12:31,304
So then I press a little bit further,

179
00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:37,095
and I ask, Why would a smart person
do such a stupid thing?

180
00:12:37,497 --> 00:12:42,467
This leading question
helps people reconsider

181
00:12:42,907 --> 00:12:46,923
what's really going on
with that annoying person.

182
00:12:46,949 --> 00:12:48,426
And sometimes,

183
00:12:48,436 --> 00:12:52,956
in addition to the alternative
explanations for what they meant,

184
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:58,142
they can even develop some compassion
for the annoying person's situation

185
00:12:58,172 --> 00:13:03,111
because after all, when we
label behavior as bad and stupid,

186
00:13:03,121 --> 00:13:09,731
it is usually coming from some form
of pressure, fear, or threat.

187
00:13:11,828 --> 00:13:14,738
And then my favorite
are these elephant cards.

188
00:13:16,645 --> 00:13:23,485
Sometimes, there is something important
and true that needs to be said,

189
00:13:24,105 --> 00:13:26,074
but it's too uncomfortable.

190
00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:31,315
Most of us don't want to be the one
to put someone on the spot.

191
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:36,060
We don't like to say something
that sounds unkind.

192
00:13:36,287 --> 00:13:42,367
It can feel like a real risk to put
undiscussable subjects on the table.

193
00:13:44,670 --> 00:13:48,510
I distribute these elephant cards
at my facilitations.

194
00:13:48,859 --> 00:13:52,969
When there's something
important going unsaid,

195
00:13:53,230 --> 00:13:56,160
anybody in the room
can play an elephant card.

196
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,623
I have clients who are doing
this years later.

197
00:13:58,643 --> 00:14:02,323
The very act of playing the card

198
00:14:03,223 --> 00:14:07,865
raises the possibility with other people
who understand the significance

199
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,420
that you can discuss topics

200
00:14:10,445 --> 00:14:13,975
which previously
would have been impermissible.

201
00:14:15,127 --> 00:14:16,277
Okay.

202
00:14:17,470 --> 00:14:24,430
So, we have ruled out
dysfunctional individuals,

203
00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:28,498
we've asked the right people
the right questions,

204
00:14:28,775 --> 00:14:31,255
we've ensured that we have alignment,

205
00:14:32,904 --> 00:14:36,774
we've looked for allies to help us
implement the change,

206
00:14:36,852 --> 00:14:39,352
and we've taught some specific techniques,

207
00:14:39,371 --> 00:14:44,741
so people feel that they have a better way
to communicate with each other.

208
00:14:45,792 --> 00:14:52,002
Now, let me tell you: Working through
these five steps, it's not easy.

209
00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:55,339
It takes courage and commitment.

210
00:14:55,888 --> 00:14:57,238
It takes a little humor,

211
00:14:57,265 --> 00:15:02,415
and it takes a heap of effort
to get traction on persistent conflict.

212
00:15:02,817 --> 00:15:09,787
But if we are ever going to help
our schools, our workplaces,

213
00:15:10,288 --> 00:15:13,358
and our civic organizations
function better,

214
00:15:14,552 --> 00:15:20,232
if we want to help people make
the real contribution that they can,

215
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:24,416
we have to uncover and understand

216
00:15:24,775 --> 00:15:30,805
what's truly underneath
any conflict in any situation.

217
00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:36,521
Then we can help people
work together successfully

218
00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:39,665
for everyone's benefit wherever we are.

219
00:15:40,451 --> 00:15:41,501
Thank you.

220
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:43,141
(Applause)