1
00:00:01,285 --> 00:00:02,379
I don't know if you've noticed,

2
00:00:02,379 --> 00:00:04,051
but there's been a spate of books

3
00:00:04,051 --> 00:00:05,926
that have come out lately

4
00:00:05,926 --> 00:00:08,068
contemplating or speculating

5
00:00:08,068 --> 00:00:12,479
on the cognition and emotional life of dogs.

6
00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:15,350
Do they think, do they feel, and if so, how?

7
00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:17,290
So this afternoon, in my limited time,

8
00:00:17,290 --> 00:00:19,985
I wanted to take the guesswork out of a lot of that

9
00:00:19,985 --> 00:00:22,481
by introducing you to two dogs,

10
00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:27,305
both of whom have taken the command "speak"

11
00:00:27,305 --> 00:00:31,266
quite literally.

12
00:00:31,266 --> 00:00:34,026
The first dog is the first to go,

13
00:00:34,026 --> 00:00:38,275
and he is contemplating an aspect

14
00:00:38,275 --> 00:00:40,431
of his relationship to his owner,

15
00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:45,431
and the title is "A dog on his master."

16
00:00:45,431 --> 00:00:47,411
"As young as I look,

17
00:00:47,411 --> 00:00:50,361
I am growing older faster than he.

18
00:00:50,361 --> 00:00:54,386
Seven to one is the ratio they tend to say.

19
00:00:54,386 --> 00:00:57,971
Whatever the number, I will pass him one day

20
00:00:57,971 --> 00:00:59,839
and take the lead,

21
00:00:59,839 --> 00:01:02,760
the way I do on our walks in the woods,

22
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,258
and if this ever manages to cross his mind,

23
00:01:06,258 --> 00:01:08,564
it would be the sweetest shadow

24
00:01:08,564 --> 00:01:13,616
I have ever cast on snow or grass."

25
00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:16,195
(Applause)

26
00:01:16,195 --> 00:01:19,001
Thank you.

27
00:01:19,001 --> 00:01:22,140
And our next dog

28
00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:25,661
speaks in something called the revenant,

29
00:01:25,661 --> 00:01:27,692
which means a spirit that comes back

30
00:01:27,692 --> 00:01:31,458
to visit you.

31
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:35,326
"I am the dog you put to sleep,

32
00:01:35,326 --> 00:01:38,778
as you like to call the needle of oblivion,

33
00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:41,680
come back to tell you this simple thing:

34
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,304
I never liked you."

35
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,914
(Laughter)

36
00:01:45,914 --> 00:01:47,808
"When I licked your face,

37
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,701
I thought of biting off your nose.

38
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,680
When I watched you toweling yourself dry,

39
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,788
I wanted to leap and unman you with a snap.

40
00:01:57,788 --> 00:01:59,970
I resented the way you moved,

41
00:01:59,970 --> 00:02:01,856
your lack of animal grace,

42
00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:04,401
the way you would sit in a chair to eat,

43
00:02:04,401 --> 00:02:08,703
a napkin on your lap, a knife in your hand.

44
00:02:08,703 --> 00:02:10,161
I would have run away

45
00:02:10,161 --> 00:02:11,911
but I was too weak,

46
00:02:11,911 --> 00:02:13,547
a trick you taught me

47
00:02:13,547 --> 00:02:16,612
while I was learning to sit and heel

48
00:02:16,612 --> 00:02:18,745
and, greatest of insults,

49
00:02:18,745 --> 00:02:22,923
shake hands without a hand.

50
00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:26,427
I admit the site of the leash would excite me,

51
00:02:26,427 --> 00:02:29,094
but only because it meant I was about to smell things

52
00:02:29,094 --> 00:02:34,063
you had never touched.

53
00:02:34,063 --> 00:02:35,999
You do not want to believe this,

54
00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:38,365
but I have no reason to lie:

55
00:02:38,365 --> 00:02:42,449
I hated the car, hated the rubber toys,

56
00:02:42,449 --> 00:02:47,235
disliked your friends, and worse, your relatives.

57
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:51,183
The jingling of my tags drove me mad.

58
00:02:51,183 --> 00:02:54,430
You always scratched me in the wrong place."

59
00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:56,432
(Laughter)

60
00:02:56,432 --> 00:02:59,210
"All I ever wanted from you was food and water

61
00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:01,402
in my bowls.

62
00:03:01,402 --> 00:03:03,475
While you slept, I watched you breathe

63
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,805
as the moon rose in the sky.

64
00:03:05,805 --> 00:03:07,422
It took all of my strength

65
00:03:07,422 --> 00:03:10,478
not to raise my head and howl.

66
00:03:10,478 --> 00:03:12,978
Now, I am free of the collar,

67
00:03:12,978 --> 00:03:15,488
free of the yellow raincoat,

68
00:03:15,488 --> 00:03:17,366
monogrammed sweater,

69
00:03:17,366 --> 00:03:20,396
the absurdity of your lawn,

70
00:03:20,396 --> 00:03:23,139
and that is all you need to know about this place

71
00:03:23,139 --> 00:03:26,240
except what you already supposed

72
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,642
and are glad it did not happen sooner,

73
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:31,883
that everyone here can read and write,

74
00:03:31,883 --> 00:03:35,233
the dogs in poetry,

75
00:03:35,233 --> 00:03:38,240
the cats and all the others

76
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,630
in prose."

77
00:03:40,630 --> 00:03:42,330
Thank you.

78
00:03:42,330 --> 00:03:45,628
(Applause)